i remember this moment, when we had this waiting room, our fourth season, i dug up somewhere this bubble tape, a large skein, no one had thought about it then, i just had this roll, so i go out and i just gave out these things to everyone who participated with me, they say, damn, this is anti-stress, in the end the editor comes in, invites someone, starts laughing, because we’re all sitting there and clicking this thing, this it was very funny, that's the song that made you fall in love with this future of yours brought her to her profession? what kind of cancer do you have? maybe my choice will seem strange, but as a child i listened to a lot of music and songs, it’s not a strange choice, it’s a wonderful choice, he turned 80 this year, he will probably be very pleased to know what he has, and what a fox you have, i’ve been singing since childhood, and of course, it all started from the family and... i loved to sing

cossack songs in two voices, he and i sang there , we got started, and somehow from this i think that i have a yes a small piece of what that's how it is let's here's my favorite i'm always her i sang with my grandmother the kingdom of heaven, so she sang the second voice and i was the first in the garden by the valley, i picked roses and picked.

native culture. in the finale of our podcast today, i, as the host, will be pleased to offer you to perform a song with which we wish everyone who participates in the project will also have a voice, 7.0 happy moments every day, let them be exciting, well... the language of feelings, so it’s great that we survived this, it’s great that future participants and mentors have so many exciting moments ahead, may they there will be a lot, dear friends, today in the podcast of the melody of my life, together with radion gazmanov, raisa dmitrenko, sergei volchkov, elizaveta ragda and anastasia speredonova, which is also important.

again moments of excitement, inspiration of happiness, we lived together, i’m not really afraid of this word, when we were all united together, the voice project, let this voice last as long as our dear tv viewers want, that is, forever, so today we wish 7.0 happy moments with this work. late hours from above the ground, gulturbin snatch of sleep. behind outside the window lies a night landscape with white clouds, the moon flies above it. secret movement in the endless sky, i see the reflection of your face.

listen to music, watch the voice project on channel one.

i am not there, where your footprints have not been traced on the sand, where the white bird is in drag, where the white bird is circling in anguish, foaming. and you, i am only there, where the sound trembles, the desired pier, and where your eyes are guards, and where

your eyes are swifts, gliding towards the lady, intently. i’m not there, where you are the hair won’t become foggy. white day, where the pine trees are from amber tears, where pine trees from amber tears, caring olya will wipe away, i am only there, where you sometimes

look at the door with hope, and like a child created, and how... like a child created here, you sculpt a snow woman, i am not there, where the parachot, night a break to prague, where i understand the vault of heaven, where i understand the heavens that have been lost without you. i am only there where i am not, around you, unknown, you know, not a day without you, you know, not a day can be lived without you,

hello, dear viewers, as always, you are watching the triggers podcast, its leading psychologist tatyana is with you krasnovskaya, psychologist psychotherapist sergei nasebyan our guest nicole. hello, good evening. please tell us what you came to us with? you know, i have such a problem, i’ve probably had it since adolescence, from the age of 12 in adolescence i developed a disease called anorexia,

later doctors diagnosed me with this, anorexia nervosa, and the disease either appears, then disappears, then there is, it does not depend on any pro... events in my life, that is, suddenly it is not there, suddenly it resumes again, it has some kind of periodicity no, so that it could be tracked, and i learned to cope with it as best i could, learned to live, but my question is, why did i have such an image formed in my head that i try to approach all the time, that is, this is a certain weight, a certain kind, in a different image, when i gain weight or... when i try, yes, if you can call it that, to live like ordinary people, with more or less acceptable nutrition, why don’t i like this image, why so i i look so, well, important that it affects my whole life, that is, i’m in a normal

i don’t want to be a normal person, to exist, to act, to achieve something, only being in such a small weight, yeah. in the person for whom i strive, i , well, do something, i have more strength, more energy, more aspirations, desires, yeah, in general, help, if possible. how do you achieve such a low weight? this is physical exercise, and this dietary restriction is quite strict. have you always played sports? sports, yes, but to what extent dietary restrictions? depending on what stage are you at now, and if you eat normally, well, as far as i understand, yes, it’s normal, but am i the only one who eats? twice a day, well, usually these are some kind of salads, some kind of, i don’t

know, there’s meat, vegetables, everything is there at the right time, of course, nothing harmful, nothing fatty, but when this next peak occurs, and i i leave, and once every 3 days, once every 5 days, it happens that once every 10 days, you don’t want to eat or you just don’t eat, i don’t eat on purpose, that is, you feel hungry, but... well, after the third i haven't felt hungry for days now and i just don’t even think about whether there was food today or not, i can drink coffee, well , preferably with some kind of vegetable milk, maybe one energy drink a day, and then it’s with ice, something like that, this is where all my food ends, how old are you, 37, 37. are you married? no, you were in a relationship, are you in a relationship now? and i’ve been in

relationships many times, at the moment i have a very good friend who supports me, well, friend, friend, yeah, who’s around you anyway? my mom, but we live separately, here is my comrade, and comrade, okay, let’s do this, the last time i had, well... it’s called an attack of anorexia, that is, now it’s going on, it ’s going on now, how long ago, since july of this year, that is since july of this year you have been in an anorexic crisis, so, yeah, now you are 37, how much do you weigh now, what is your height, how to understand, my height is meter 75, at the moment i keep my weight 50 kg, 50, you were there weight fluctuations, how significant were they? when it started in july in july i weighed about

seventy seventy and i have a big one muscle mass, due to this it’s even difficult to say that i weigh 70, but at the same time, well , that is, i look 60, due to muscle i weigh more, yeah, now i’m trying to keep 50, there are deviations, but i try to negotiate, what was your lowest weight? the lowest weight for all periods was 43 kg, yeah, and if you are in such good shape, in general you feel good at seventy, right? well, at seventy, i really don’t like myself, well, what’s my weight, when are you happy with yourself, now i it seems like just now, but so what, i like you too, but where’s the problem? but the problem is... that the people close to me are very worried about me, they are afraid that i might

leave further, although i know that, well, there is a border that cannot be crossed, if you imagine that they are sitting there now behind, as in such programs with the audience, who sits there and worries about you, my mother and well, the closest relatives, perhaps, well , who is this aunt, uncle, who is this aunt, uncle, my nephews, so they all gathered there behind and they are worried about you, yes, uh-huh, okay, applaud them, let them worry, your friend is worried about you, well, he is worried in his own way, of course, but he is even more worried that my mother puts a lot of pressure on me, this is where we are coming to the causes of anorexia, okay, let's leave this situation a little now, in july you weighed 70, so how much for these six? there july, august , september, october, november, yes, in 5 months you lost 20 kg, lost 20 kg, and you, well

, for some time already weighed 50, in what period of time did you lose 20 kg, i think this months three, three months, how did you feel during these three months, losing weight so quickly, well, not to say that i felt somehow uneasy, but i don’t see any problems for you yet, huh? and it turns out that you were losing weight, losing weight, losing weight, you were losing weight with the help of sports and nutrition, yes, yeah, okay, but there are some health problems, that’s why we are now i... i just want to start worrying for you, i haven’t succeeded yet, no, at the moment there are no problems with my health, well, the only thing is that i feel very cold, there in the pool it takes me a long time to get used to the water, but it’s not such a problem, that is, if it weren’t for the anxiety of that audience, which seems to be behind you, then in general everything is fine, everything is fine, you have enough strength, you you feel good, you have no

health problems, you look great, and your self-esteem has increased. so cool, but could you tell us about the history of how anorexia was formed? i can’t complain directly about my childhood, and i don’t want to, but my childhood was not easy, yeah, when i was 5-6 years old, my father passed away very suddenly, he died of leukemia, yeah, but my mother turned out to be dead. situation at that time, and decided that she needed to receive additional education, improve her qualifications, and that it would probably be quite difficult for me and her in this regime, she gave me to her mother, that is, to my grandparents, and somewhere before the first year of university i lived with them completely,

my mother came periodically, these were often weekends... she spent some time with me, but the relationship was quite complicated, because we couldn’t spend time together for a long time, and because my mother had a lot of her own problems, every time she came, that is , at first it was a scandal that was quite serious, i didn’t always understand, what is the reason, i did something wrong, that is, you know that feeling of a holiday every friday, but at the same time, uh-huh. you move away from the door because you’re scared, well, that is, first you need to survive what will happen, so my mother often spent time with her friends, that is, i felt that i missed her, at school i didn’t have such a large number of friends, it’s not that i kind of suffered from it, i just lived, and well, i’m not a particularly talkative person, that is,

i was comfortable in this, but i understood that i was somewhere it’s somehow... very, very hard inside, i started smoking early, and you know, when i smoked, i always, well, that is, i did n’t smoke because it was fashionable then or something else, i liked it, that i inhale, it seems like such a bitter smoke, yes, but when i exhale, i feel better, that is, i often stood on the balcony and then i exhaled, and it turned out that i was exhaling everything that was holding me inside, yeah, although i really wanted to live with my mother, yeah. but every time she told me that this was not yet possible, i asked the question directly: did you want to live with your mother or did you not want to live with your grandmother? i wanted to live with my mother, yeah, go on, i loved my grandmother madly and love, probably still, although she is no longer with us, my relationship with my grandmother became more complicated over time, because

the age difference when i already went to my first course, i... made the decision myself that i needed to return to my mother, i don’t know how it would be, i understood that it would be difficult, and i returned to her, we spent a long time building a difficult, very difficult relationship, because we didn’t know who we were as friends, well, in general, how to communicate, but how you returned to her, you just rang the doorbell, and i lived in another city, near moscow, i came and said that now we will live with you together, yeah, this is my decision, now we... live with you, yeah, but after some time our relationship still became better, she was also very i tried, now i think that we are great, well done, there were several hospitalizations during this time, who was hospitalized, me, for what reason, yes because of anorexia, yeah, but the clinic,

let’s say, they alone were not specialized at all. it’s better not to go there, the other two clinics were specialized, but to say that they revealed something to me, somehow worked with me, i can’t say that, well, they put you in the neurological clinics, yes, yeah, well it was difficult, that is, this is not a psychological treatment, it is basically pills, ivs, heaps of glucose, when you just come out after half a month with the size... we live separately with our mother, we have a fairly warm, good relationship, if it is possible to say how long you lived with your mother, if you are in the first year of they moved to her at 17, yes, yes, somewhere around 17, well

, at 18 i took the academy, well, that means 20 years, i have an assumption that these 20 years were the most difficult from the point of view of anorexia, you know, the first peak, when i was 12 years old, i didn’t quite understand that it was us now let’s go back to it, yeah, then it was, rather, it was difficult in terms of relations with your mother, not in terms of relations with the disease, that is, it was difficult with your mother, you know what a thing, your illness, like any other illness, it’s more likely probably an indicator of an imbalance, it is not the cause of the imbalance, because here you are sitting now, if you were called a sick person, but your tongue is not turning yet, despite the fact that you yourself... call this a period of crisis, perhaps from the point of view of a gastroenterologist yes or maybe be even a neurologist, you are not in remission now, on the contrary, in crisis, i don’t know

, however, i’m not a doctor, but from the point of view of an ordinary person, no matter how you look like a sick person now, today we will introduce you to a person whose work day is causing more and more interest every day, this is the circus and theater director valentin bneushev, i came to the school to become a clown, but my... the circus that i want to create does not exist. we continue our series of half-hour portrait programs and would like to introduce you to dmitry sovetsky, russian writer, who has been living in paris for about 15 years. i came. beloved woman, and after 2 days i realized that she was gone, and that i needed to start from scratch myself, i knew that my homeland is my language, this is the language in which i write, it

was such a really poor moscow bohemia , who lived on bad wine on good poetry, my 49.5 minutes of jazz are not just a program for me, an important program for me, i know that you are sitting at a table in a st. petersburg cafe, where they play programs from 49, ciao bey. matador on friday on the first, you're watching the triggers podcast is with you, its host tatyana krasnovskaya, sergey nasebyan, and we are talking with nicole about anorexia, you can stand up, yes of course, uh-huh, thank you, just so that our viewers understand, uh-huh, good and... in this context, let's just go back to the first episode, when at the age of 12 you said, you were diagnosed with anorexia neurotic,

yes, or anorexia nervosa, yes, yes, tell us how it happened, this is where you were at that moment, when it became happen, i started adolescence, and i’m a little i was scared, or perhaps even a lot, but the fact is that my parents didn’t explain to me very much what it is, what happens to girls in general, if they didn’t teach you the concept of the menstrual cycle, including, yeah , yeah, when i saw how my the body begins to change, yeah, i was scared, shocked, maybe, and i counteracted it as much as i could, that is, i didn’t like the way i was starting to look, yeah, although well, i was never fat, that is, everything was fine and you can even say that i... was so thin, so then it started - that is, as i understand it, my hips and breasts began to form, yes, yes, i

tried to wear something so that none of this would be visible, yeah, but you countered so much, yes, that is - i began to have hair face, because i didn’t like the way my cheeks appeared there, something like that, i didn’t want to grow up, i didn’t want to, not to grow up, it’s not a matter of growing up, but the point is that i didn’t want to be attractive. yes, and you realized that you were becoming attractive or felt that you were becoming attractive just like sex object? but i didn’t really like it personally, that is, yes, for some reason i decided to regulate it with food, yes, that is, to regulate, control over food, and on the part of my grandmother a very serious deception began, well, for example, i prepared.