in order not to get into such a relationship, you first need to have internal support, you did not have such support, unfortunately, i was very, very focused on some external stimuli in my life, including achieving, on forming some very prosperous successful image, including i really wanted to look like an ideal wife, an ideal woman. and

to satisfy my husband in everything, to please, almost to serve, i had such an attitude that i should look as successful as possible in this, that's why i didn't ask for help for a very long time, i just tried to become better, to improve, maybe change my clothes, which he was unhappy with, maybe talk differently, because he thought that i looked vulgar in speech, for example,

then at the beginning of your meetings you want to return, you want to somehow prove to him that you are worthy of attention, that you love him, if he cooled off, then, probably, the reason is in me, i thought, i tried to meet all his requests for aesthetics, beautiful, i wanted to be that woman from his dreams, and where did such an idea come from you were about the fact that you need to be such an ideal wife, as you said, convenient, yes, sew on handles too. so that it would be convenient to carry all sorts of things, all sorts of beliefs, did you come into the relationship with this belief? i came into the relationship with the desire to become completely different from what i was before, i wanted to escape from some failures in my career, from those opinions that i had formed for myself not in my favor, negative ones, i wanted to hide in marriage, i wanted to hide in...

bombing, when he you from under the ground it gets to you when he suddenly needs to court you and flowers, gifts, and some luxurious trips, everything that any woman can dream of, he is in such an idealized so-called love light, he appears and becomes the only important one, as if everything... eh, pales in comparison with this man,

that is, he creates a certain image, not even an image, but a space where you strive to get, which you then strive to deserve, as if for... close the need to be, to be important, yes, this is about importance, about uniqueness, about uniqueness, if there is no feeling of inner confidence that you simply exist, and you deserve respect and love by birthright, and this is inseparable from you, then such a character becomes very tempting, because he gives you what is not inside you, so you need to develop self-worth.

she should become ideal at your expense, and not at the expense of another, is this what you mean? of course, it's a question of responsibility, you are right in drawing conclusions, as for me, i i shifted responsibility for many areas of my life to a man because it seemed to me that i couldn’t cope on my own, in financial terms he was handling all our cash flows, he was doing a great job, as it seemed to me, and i felt like... in general, i was useless and i handed over, delegated what seemed to me to be beyond the man’s power, it turns out that he became , therefore, the owner of the keys to my life, i gave him everything and when i suddenly needed them, he took the position of a

full-fledged owner, here i am, taking care of your life, in quotes, yes, i, therefore, have the right to order, to impose veda. i am your master, even so, in the new season on the first, your collective farm is good, and you will try to make him rich, a millionaire, and you have hardly aged, it will be hard, probably out of habit in the village, nothing we will get used to, and in our village your hanky-panky can end badly, vadim, partork, are you sure, he is a womanizer, my marinka and i almost ran away just before the wedding, because of him, and if in you again... i fucking, it is yours, what do you want with it, throw it away if you want, wear it if you want, hide it if you want, he pestered you again yesterday, don't disgrace the family, kirill, i want to give you some advice, as an experienced womanizer, don't pester a woman if she doesn't want it herself, you're ruining your life and hers, what

will happen to you now, what will they do to you, these are not just words, if necessary, i'll kill you, i wouldn't throw around such words, if you kick, i'll put you in jail, for which we'll always find an article, i won't survive if you... you cheat on me, i can't live without you, premiere, tomorrow after the program time, i can't live without you, i i will wait, the legendary multi-part film based on the novel by yulian semenov, tas is authorized to declare, next weekend on the first. you are watching the lab triggers podcast, with you today sergey nasebyan and tatyana krasnovskaya, we have a special edition today, in which we talk about abusive relationships and life after them. how to determine where this is a healthy position, and where it is already worth stopping and showing attention, too persistent

courtship and inattention to refusals, this is probably the very first most important flag, because not paying attention to refusals. with his attention and does not respect your right to refuse and your opinion, roughly speaking, then this means that he is not inclined to respect a woman with her choice in principle, how can a woman be deceived in this, it may seem to her that he has flared up with feelings for her so much that he

doesn’t give a damn about the whole world, that’s why he is trying to achieve her, she may think that really... she is the one he needs, but there is such humor in this: this man doesn’t care which woman to achieve, for him this is a goal, like a rabbit in a dog race automatically moves on a stick to motivate dogs to run, approximately the same goal and target any woman for such a man, how to understand that you are important to him, and not, and not you are not the goal? i, of course, do not understand this too well, but i will appeal to my experience. the man with whom you are in closeness, must respect your opinion. pay attention to what is acceptable to you, to what you

refuse, in accordance with your no, and yes build communication with you, well, to a certain extent you describe the ideal man, then it turns out that the key message that you are saying now, and i actually like it, is that the search for the ideal man, as well as ideal women, is just a direct path, including into abusive relationships, right? there are no ideal men, no ideal women, there are conflicts, there are conflicts, there is disagreement, there are situations that need to be sorted out, which can be resolved even at the level of a family psychologist, if you are already in some kind of long-term stable relationship, that is, you do not need to be afraid of conflicts, there is no need for conflicts be afraid, you are absolutely right, yes, it is in conflicts that interests are very often defended, if suddenly you did not have time to outline your... boundaries at the entrance to the relationship, then it makes sense to still talk to the person and, perhaps

, even in an aggressive form, if you are already in a conflict, but to communicate that you are unhappy, that you would like other options for resolving the situation, that you have a different opinion, this makes sense, that is, a red flag is when there is a fear of defending your position, a fear of defending my position was... so thorny, because i had a rather strict family, in which, probably, little attention was paid to self-expression, namely in revealing an individual opinion, that is, i could not declare my rights, and what, well, so the antonym or what would we put, well, let's say, diametrically opposite to the position of the victim, about whom you are talking, self-sufficient. person, a person who has healthy personal boundaries, good self-esteem, i

recently learned the difference between the words self-worth and self-esteem, because self-esteem is when you evaluate yourself against someone, against a person, their achievements, and you need a yardstick to evaluate yourself , it turns out that you are constantly in some kind of neurosis.

well, let them do it, what's the difference, the main thing is to understand yourself, i

realized for myself that i cannot measure myself against these people and their opinions about me and some not about you, people think about themselves like that, i think that you need to allow yourself to live a full life, and living a full life means knowing about your needs, it means knowing about that, what would you like, you didn't want to tell your partner about it.

from childhood, then - then in adulthood a person enters into a relationship and chooses such a monster, which attracts precisely these traits, negative ones. and what was in your story, what led to such a development of events in

childhood parental relationships? hand on heart, i will say that it was not easy in childhood. i had a very specific relationship with my mother, with my grandmother, they were the ones who raised me and my older sister, and i really, in the image of my parents, i found myself a man, a critic , an aggressive manipulator, a gaslighter, this is when they tell you that no, this did not happen, it seemed to you, and you ... begin to doubt yourself, or maybe i really am some kind of fool or i have some distortions, perceptions, i believe, as i do to a person, he seems to be loved and wishes me well, or maybe he opens my eyes to the true state of affairs, you begin to doubt yourself, the worst thing about abuse is when you begin to doubt yourself, in adequacy, in adequacy in its own,

naturally, it was a man who had many other parallel relationships, you knew about it, i with... let's say, at first i didn't think that it was even possible, because it seemed like there were very tender, strong relationships and many common interests, at some point i just began to understand that yes , he communicates, i threw some tantrums, finding correspondence, and then i just, let's say , gave up, because i was already planning to get out of the relationship, and i realized that my attention should be concentrated exclusively on me, on my processes, and i clearly do not feel well, and i... i was just going to deal with my psyche from a psychologist, that is, you went to a psychologist specifically while being in a relationship, i went to a psychologist while being in a relationship, specifically because i felt terrible, i suffered, i constantly had some kind of mood swings, nervous breakdowns because of the situation with the young

man, i wonder, did he support you in the fact that you went to a psychologist, moreover, he not only... supported me, he pointed out to me that i needed help, i should, i i need to get treatment, there is clearly something wrong with me, i am some kind of hysteric, everything is unhealthy with me, i need help, the most paradoxical thing is that the person, as if driving me to some kind of hysterics with all these tricks, his dirty, suggesting to me that there is something wrong with me, i am completely inadequate, pointed out to me that... i have a problem, this is the funniest thing and probably the most painful so far, as for me, having entered psychotherapy, i am already thanking that day this person who pointed out to me that i should do something psyche, because it was a brilliant

solution, how quickly in therapy, did you come to the understanding that you were in an abusive relationship? in fact, quite quickly, somewhere in half a year, maybe a little more, i collected the picture fragment by fragment, and it was hard for me to admit it to myself, because i felt, naturally, some kind of stupid, i felt deceived by myself, i was ashamed that i got into this at all, and it was scary to admit it. because something needs to be done now, some actions are needed to undertake, responsibility, again, yes, to take responsibility, yes for your life, and yes, it was very difficult. to start taking action, you are watching the triggers podcast, and today we are discussing the tools that will allow you to get out of an abusive relationship or

even not get into one, now from this conscious, worked out, therapy position, how would you define responsibility, so that it is not some kind of slogan, because many people do not understand what we are talking about, but how would you analyze it, what does it mean to be? some people would like to cope with the decisions of issues on their own, you know, i

always say at my trainings and lectures that at any moment when you want to relieve yourself of responsibility for your life, there will always be someone who will gladly take it on, and dispose of it as he pleases, of course, yes, i hope, it is very useful, today we discussed a lot of very important points, you told me, i think that... it will be useful, because after all, it is not only women who suffer in abusive relationships, there are and men, and as you correctly noted, very often these are just children who are in abusive relationships with their parents, in fact, not all people have the opportunity to go to a psychologist, yes financially, just despite the fact that it seems that now from different irons they talk about psychologists and a bunch of opportunities to sign up for them and so on, but still let's assume that no, yes, in your opinion, there is some way to build your personality without a psychologist so as not to end up in an obligatory relationship. i'm not sure that without help specialist, you can achieve results. look, and this question

arose there, on the other side of the screen, then i will answer my own question for you. good. the thing is that everything you say, describing the result of working with a specialist, and this is essentially the development of critical thinking, which pulled you out of this relationship. i want, because i know that this question arises, since i am a psychologist. and you will be surprised, now there will be such an edifying expression, but you need to read a lot, and if you just read classical literature, it didn't help me, you know, no, it helped you, believe me, i read a lot, no, it helped you, believe me, and your speech speaks about it, and the way you operate with concepts, that's why i want to say that in addition to the fact that a psychologist helped you, it was precisely good, good erudition that helped you , but yes, yes, naturally, because it helps to rethink, you know, for example, we have a daughter, she is a second-year student at the faculty of journalism, more than once

, second-year students of the faculty of journalism have approached me, because this studying russian classical literature, and girls who are unable to digest this story fall into a depressive state, because russian literature is very adult, we don’t have this gap, there is a lot of children's literature, then there is a lot of adult literature, and in this sense, reading... the topic is being peddled everywhere, books with such content appear everywhere, there is also such a phenomenon that the abuser is usually supported by his colleagues, friends, acquaintances, and

at some point you become an outcast, you as if they squeeze out of the feeling of belonging, you can say so, you feel even more guilty because... you even dared to say that you are suffering, and you don't want to do this anymore, when this is already a process of spending, the disintegration of relations, it becomes unbearable that you become some kind of outsider, an outsider, this is the word for me, this is one of the most unpleasant feelings that i had to experience, in general, you should not be afraid of this, let's try to make a list of such a tool of the abuser, yeah. let's start with classic gaslighting, i still have to translate. gaslighting is when a person convinces you that your picture

of reality is inadequate. you imagine, fantasize, you have hallucinations, everything is not as you think, all your objections are complete nonsense, delirium, you are generally not very good in the head, secondly, there is always increased criticism and you are constantly some kind of wrong devaluation, naturally devaluation, starting from appearance, ending.

that you are not able to notice that these people have some selfish goals, or a double bottom, or maybe the male individuals you communicate with or the opposite, if it is a man, have some romantic or intimate plans for you, in general, well , here critical thinking retreats, right? well, when you already have some kind of biochemistry of the body and brain launched, you naturally believe this, and it seems, well, how can a person who cares about me so much, he cannot wish me harm, so it is for the good, yeah, yeah, yeah, something like that, but the most interesting thing of course was at the stage of identifying other people, with whom he is in a parallel relationship or possibly in a relationship, there is such a term -

triangulation, for sure...

in general, in principle, that these relationships are a fatal mistake, but the thing is that then i turned inside myself and realized that i don’t want to be outside, i don’t want to think about who this person spends time with, what kind of relationship they are in, although i wanted, of course, to get in to check, look on social networks, and so on, well, somehow find out what’s there, and then i realized that this absolutely doesn’t help me, i only start to doubt more strongly.

everything, in myself, i feel bad, well , actually, it turns out that i turned inside myself, it seems to me that this is the most important thing, the situation, because... i realized that i can’t change anything, the only thing that i can influence in my life is my life itself, and this was some kind of huge, the most important, basic awareness, there was some moment when you realized, that’s it , stop, this is not safe for me, the thing is that i broke off relationships, returned from them once, i won’t even go into details, but... the situation was such that a man hit me in my most vulnerable position, hit me physically, hit me, and before that he also allowed himself to hit me,

push me, uh, but i forgave him, he apologized, fell to his knees, cried, told me that he was just not okay, he had problems with his head, and he would definitely take care of his psyche, by the way, it was... uh, the most favorite promise, top top one, and so, when he hit me already, as i already said, in my most vulnerable, most difficult state, i just sent him to hell i kicked out the cheerful letters, well, it seems to me that suzana noted a very important point here, and i just want to emphasize it a little bit... as if to emphasize that - instead of looking for a way out, you need to look for yourself, well yes , it seems to me that we should finish today, it was very useful, i am sure, i hope that people will either go online and figure out the

terms that we used here, if they remain unclear, but the most important message is, of course, to look for yourself, because a person who finds himself, finds everything else, ways of self-regulation and ways of self... values ​​and possibilities of self-love everything else. well, this was the lab triggers podcast, we talked with suzanne about whether there is life after an abusive relationship, well, and it seems to me that not only is there, it is even clear how to do it. with you were the hosts of the podcast tatyana krasnovskaya and sergey nasebyan. until next time. you can find full episodes of the triggers podcast on the channel one website. hello, this is the burn with fire podcast and i, its host denis gorelov, with a story about

the creative path of sergei aleksandrovich solovyov for his eightieth birthday. the conversation will not be quite typical for a podcast, the fact is that with sergei aleksandrovich, we were friends for more than 30 years, as far as only people with a 25-year difference can be friends with each other. because of this, the conversation will be colored with somewhat personal tones, not entirely objective, not quite usual from the outside, and once, already at the very end of aleksandrovich's life, i told him a story about my great-grandfather, one of the first russian drivers, nicknamed grandfather seryoga, he was botkin's personal driver, in pre-revolutionary times some factory owner managed to fire him. with the wording for his impossible character, i asked sergei alexandrovich if i could call him that? go ahead, he said, squinting in his usual solovyov manner, from then on he became grandfather seryoga. thus, the people's artist of the russian

federation, laureate of the ussr state prize, laureate of the lenin komsomol prize, laureate of various prizes at the venice and berlin film festivals, long-time leader of the union of graphographists of russia, grandfather seryoga. and had two passions, which, intertwined, created the main essence of his work: and firstly, he, with the exception of individual creative individuals, completely ignored older ages, he was always interested only in tender age, only people of the generation of teenagers, these are people of the age of tin, that is, from 13 to 19 years old, the age of learning about the world, awakening feelings, some timidity and audacity in ... in the primary actions of a completely desperate attitude to one's own life, in general, this is exactly what sergei aleksanovich always liked, the second direction of his interest was russian classics, classical national literature and its existence in

the modern world, it is understandable that for a person who spent all his adolescence and youth in leningrad, he became fond of public libraries and serious folios. this was a completely normal phenomenon, therefore, when tatyana drubich in the film black rose emblem of sorrow said classics, classics, nothing but classics, implying how she was tormented parents, in fact, clearly her classic. mu taught formidable husband sergei alexandrovich. one of the main tasks of the cultural space of that time was to modernize the classics. many people talked about this, but for some reason only grandfather seryozha succeeded. one of the main moves was that he actually returned the classics to their age. the fact is that classic novels were mostly written about people of fairly young years, but ...

left, was filmed, went to the screen, with a full cast, then he had a performance at the antaganka theatre, the seagull, again nina zarechnaya was played by twenty-one-year-old elena korikova, which somehow very much explained all her high-flown monologues about eagles and partridges, in the mouths of adult aunties it was something incredibly exalted. when - such speeches were made by a very young

girl in white sandals, it somehow flowed and lay on the soul, besides , solovyov was very fond of all sorts of uh cheerful effects, in the orchestra pit, they lowered rubberized fabric, poured a real pond, so that when trigoren performed by lionid alekseevich felatov - sat there to fish, then he lowered his feet into completely natural water. then approximately the same. operation he already in his old age carried out with war and peace, it so happened that in our tradition in hollywood the main characters are always taken to play very very grown-up people. sergei fyodorovich bandarchuk wanted to play pierre bezukhov to such an extent that , in fact, he was imprinted in the people's consciousness as pierre, pierre, as it turned out, was 45 years old. in fact, pierre bezu at the beginning of the novel is 19 years old, this. is still very small puppy, despite the general size of the organism,

at the end of the novel he is 24, in the last scene 26 , maximum, and accordingly andrei balkonsky at the beginning of 23, at the time of death 27, these are all very young people who make a huge number of life mistakes, as is typical for young people, some stupid marriages, some ridiculous duels, card losses, the devil knows what a bow is on the side and ... and through this they gradually mature, grow, learn to beat the enemy on communications, and not with a flag under the sky of arsterlitz, and exactly at that moment when they are already a truly large class, ready to resist, napoleon makes a big mistake, on the twelfth night the neman was unexpectedly crossed by bonaparte's troops, who were accepted here by all the heroes of ivan nikolaevich, solovyov - at some point he was just walking near the house,

met the artistic director of the maly theater yuri myfodovich solomin, who was walking with a dog that once played in his film moscow my love, he immediately asked what solovyov could offer for the little one. solovyov said that he had come up with a staging of the war and peace for 9 hours straight, the performance lasted from 11 am to 10 pm, counting three long intermissions. solomin was terribly pleased , he said, hand it over, well... something terrible happened at that moment, a grandiose reconstruction of the bolshoi theater was underway with jackhammers, with the rearrangement of the stage all over the world, the small one was moving with it along the foundation, and from the terrible shaking in the large one - the walls of the small one began to crack, and repairs were needed, at that moment nothing new could be staged in the small one , and solovyov staged the nine-hour war and peace - at his place, in fact, in geek workshop, and it was a really long performance, and pierre, there played

twenty-two-year-old lesha smirnov, in the future, literally a year later, the director of the main series of 2018 garden ring, all the others were also students, lesha was on stage in a frock coat, glasses, and sneakers, solovyov , when he saw him like that at a rehearsal , said: "oh, that's how you play, you don't need anything else, everyone else was dressed in authentic era at the moment when..." somewhere at the end of the third act, after almost 6 hours of continuous viewing, the audience began to lose attention, nodding off, sergei alexandrovich would not be sergei alexandrovich if... he had not undertaken some kind of demarche, exactly at that moment two footmen in levreys with their eyes blindfolded with black rags came out on stage, carried out lakhan with hot water, elena bezukhova threw off her robe and , absolutely naked, began to take a bath, and by the way, i will note, after all, this was not an academic theater, but an ordinary rehearsal

hall in gika, and to the back, uh, the very the last third row, it was separated by three meters, probably, it is clear that the audience woke up instantly, actually, after that alexey staged his series, i think that solovyov's science was very useful to him , if you can hold the audience's attention in a continuous performance for 9 hours, you will stage an eight-episode series somehow. at first, after graduating from geek, solovyov turns out, somehow the audience was not particularly shocked. if his diploma work, family happiness according to chekhov was absolutely wonderful, charming, then later staged by yegor boluchev and others, even with mikhail aleksanovich ulyanov, but the picture received good press, the picture received the favor of the upper classes and the complete indifference of the public, no one

wanted to watch either yegor bolychev or others. solovyov staged the stationmaster with nikita mikhalkov in the role of minin, the prince threw snowballs at the stationmaster's daughter dunyasha, performed by solovyov's future wife maryana kushnirova, mitya's mother, again the production in general turned out well, everything it was good, but people didn't go to see the film. at that time, the soviet people were completely overfed with classics from the school curriculum. we have a very special issue, we are talking about the new peace prize in the name of ivan nikolaevich tolstoy. the first world war would not have happened... if tolstoy had lived, by the way, on the initiative of the russian emperor nicholas ii, the first peace conference was convened in the bastard, and this was connected with the appearance of the first weapons of mass destruction in the form of machine guns, well, one of the first peacemakers was of course christ, the idea faith is the idea of ​​peace, so to speak, not war. you don't fight with god,

the devils fight with god. there is such a view, unfortunately, yes, that history is a continuous conflict, there is no escape from it, it is precisely a question of education, responsibility. yes, how can peace prizes preserve peace? this is one of the channels , one of the instruments for the emergence of truly people whose responsible opinion will be significant in the global space. podcast lab tomorrow on the first. we will talk about yulian semenov. he is famous primarily for the fact that, that his hero stirletz became a cult character of russian literature. and i will ask you to stay, flew out. up like a meteor, is friends with everyone, everyone loves him, lets him go abroad, what are you, writers hated him, he was incredibly charming, with all his stories, fights, with boxing, it was not

worth offending, bullying, attacking, somehow aggressively behaving towards yulian semyonov, he could easily fight, guys, he really loved to experience, for example, to come there in a military uniform. i won. this is a podcast burn with fire and me, his host denis gorelov, with a story about the creative path of sergei solovyov, people's artist of russia. and then solovyov pulled out a completely lucky ticket. quite by chance, he decided to help design the script, a big one.