i'm sorry, what was the question? so i know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty, but after some more thought, i'm very pleased to be able to offer you this job. [laughing] great. i'm so glad. we're all very excited you're gonna be joining us. it'll be nice to have another mba around here. i'm excited too. okay. bye. who was that? nobody. you and i are done. what?! new york city, the only city in america... it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, sarah silverman! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> sarah: welcome to "the daily show!" i am sarah silverman. back by popular demand. [cheers and applause] popular is my nana's name. i'm kidding. she is dead. but it was her stripper name. we've got a great show for you tonight, so let's get right into headlines. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's kick things off with the reason most of the people in this audience couldn't sleep well last night: a new "new york times" poll shows joe biden getting trounced by donald trump in almost every single swing state. don't panic. it is still too early to say that biden will definitely lose. he could absolutely die in his sleep instead. i am just saying.

this is really scary for liberals. and i mean actually scary, not they took "hamilton" off disney+ scary. you know what, i am going to be honest. i like a scary poll number. puts a little fire under your tuchus. this is a wake-up call to joe biden. no, for real, joe, wake up. and what makes these poll numbers particularly shocking to many people is that the man biden is losing to is currently on trial in every jurisdiction in america. in fact, today in new york, former president donald trump actually took the stand to defend against accusations his company committed fraud. and things went just about as well as you'd expect. >> within minutes, a battle unfolded. he threatened to excuse the former presidents. the judge told defense attorneys

" i beseech you to control him if you can. if you can't, i will," and the judge said, "i will excuse him >> when asked, trump's answer was, no, i was dealing with china, russia, and keeping our country safe. the new york attorney general's lead lawyer then reminded him, he was not president in 2021. >> sarah: honestly, i get what he is confused. i also get confused because it feels like he was president for a 1,000 years. i cannot even remember who was president before trump. was it rutherford b. hayes or something? i mean, of course, trump isn't focused. he's got 17 other court cases he's dealing with. he doesn't even know what he is in court for. he's probably on the stand like, "is this the insurrection one or the mushroom dick porn star one?" and by the way, if i had donald trump under oath, i wouldn't be wasting time asking

about financial statements. this is my chance to find the answers to every question i've had about him. is there a melania clone? is there a pee tape? if you had to do a sophie's choice with one of your adult sons, would it be both? let's move on, because as you know, ever since war broke out in the middle east, hate crimes have been on the rise here in america. luckily, some of the people committing these hate crimes are not the brightest candles in the menorah. >> a woman faces charges after confessing to a crash targeting the indianapolis jewish community. impd arrested ruba almaghtheh late friday night. police say she drove into a building and told officers she thought it was an "israel school" and that she did it on purpose. >> in fact, the building belongs to the black hebrew israelites, which is designated by the anti-defamation league as an anti-semitic hate group that believes jews are satanic. >> sarah: aww! she meant to crash into a

building full of jews but ended up crashing into a building full of people who hate jews. what a meet-cute! coming soon: "the enemy of my enemy is... my lover?" for real, though, hate crimes are bad enough, but what makes this even worse is that she's perpetuating the stereotype that women are bad drivers. this woman's troubles are just beginning. wait until she meets her public defender, joel rabinowitz. is he jewey looking? and finally, let's move on to washington, d.c., where the new speaker of the house just keeps getting weirder and weirder. >> speaker of the house mike johnson admitted he and his son used software to monitor if the other was watching porn. >> my accountability partner is jack, my son, right? and so he's 17, so he and i get a report of all the things that are on our phones or all of our devices once a week.

if anything objectionable comes up, your accountability partner gets an immediate notice. >> the louisiana republican installed accountability software called covenant eyes so that he and his 17 year-old son jack would abstain from going to x-rated internet sites. the website promotes itself as a way to help those with porn addictions. >> every superhero has his strengths and weaknesses. my superpower: strength. my weakness: porn. >> sarah: man, these marvel movies are really running out of ideas. why is he a superhero whose weakness is porn? what is that origin story? did his parents die masturbating to horny milfs? was he hit with a radioactive money shot? and if mike johnson doesn't want to encourage his son to masturbate, why did he name him

jack? [applause] [cheers and applause] i mean, you should meet his other kids. "tug." and his daughter "finger blast." i am sorry. there is no way this app is going to stop people from masturbating, especially 17-year-old boys. 17-year-olds don't need porn. they can jerk off to anything. his dad must be like, "he doesn't look at porn at all, he just spends all day browsing ann taylor loft." seriously, don't use an app to find out if your son is masturbating. do it the old fashioned way. see if his socks shatter like an icicle. for more on this story, we go live to the capitol and our political correspondent, michael kosta. [cheers and applause]

now, in the spirit of full transparency, i chose michael as my covenant eyes accountability buddy. which means, if i look at online porn, you will get a notification. >> who better, sarah, to trust with your most private struggles than a random co-worker you only talk to on television. although, to be clear, sarah, we could be friends. >> sarah: [laughs] michael, back to the story. doesn't this revelation ruin mike johnson's reputation as a serious speaker of the house? >> not at all, sarah. in fact, mike johnson is the kinda guy you want holding the speaker's gavel. for one, he's got two free hands, we know that. and secondly, do you know how much you can accomplish when you're not wasting all your time massaging the pig snout?

plus, this gives hymns that pent up, mere bursting energy that says "i'm a soft breeze away from exploding all over this carpet," which is helpful in a negotiating room, especially if that room has carpet. the only downside here is that johnson might not... hold on, sorry, i just got a notification from covenant eyes... sarah! >> sarah: what? >> in the middle of my report, you're searching for that kind of thing? >> sarah: no, no, this is funny. it's for thanksgiving. i was looking up a recipe for cream pie. i'm sorry, inappropriate, should not be on my phone. you were talking about the democrats? >> no, i wasn't! although, that's a good point. this gives joe biden an opportunity to contrast himself from mike johnson. he can be the politician who is into porn. he already kind of has the look, you know? he's got the slicked back hair. he drives a corvette. he is always squinting like he

just saw something he likes, but he doesn't know why. sarah, if biden can pull it off -- sorry, i am buzzing again. sarah! >> sarah: what, no. it's not porn, it's not porn! i'm in the process of moving. i need two guys to come and pack my box. >> in horizontal mode? >> sarah: listen, let's talk about the security issue here. this website is monitoring everything mike johnson looks at. that could include sensitive, classified information. >> yeah, but so what? that's the price we pay for moral rectitude. sure, russia could hack into covered in ties and get access to our nuclear codes, but i sleep a little easier at night knowing mike johnson is not seeing what is happening to our nation's stepmom's. now of course, he could take security measures -- oh, god. hold on.

sarah! seriously? >> sarah: sorry! i was genuinely curious if i could play this game without coming in 5 seconds. >> could you? >> sarah: yes. michael kosta, everybody. [cheers and applause] when we come back, we'll learn even more about mike's johnson, so don't go away. [cheers and applause] [swords clanging] [yipping]

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[cheers and applause] >> sarah: welcome back to "the daily show." just before the break, we were talking about the new speaker of the house, mike johnson, and how he uses some weird app to share porn alerts with his son. which nobody knew about, because before this guy became speaker, nobody knew anything about him so if you're wondering if there's anything else you need to know about mike johnson, he's the subject of the newest "daily show-ography." [cheers and applause] >> in the fall of 2023 come up republicans in the united states house of representatives were battling to choose a new leader. he would need to be crazy enough to win over the far right, but boring enough that he wouldn't spook the slightly less far right. and so, the party settled on mike johnson. no, wait, sorry. that's him. but who is mike johnson? no, really.

who the [bleep] is he? >> many people are asking, who is mike johnson? >> who is mike johnson exactly? >> senator susan collins said "i was going to google him this morning." >> after susan collins on millions upon millions of images of dicks, she found this. >> people are curious, what does mike johnson think about any issue under the sun? i say, go pick up a bible off your shelf and read it. that is my worldview. that is what i believe. >> jesus christ. the g.o.p. had found a man so bland he will put you to sleep, but so insane, he might murder you in it. this is the "the daily show" ography of mike johnson. crazy boring. long before america knew mike johnson as in a life man with a face and hair and body po heartbeats away from the presidency, he was just a boy who had a smaller face and hair and body parts, growing up in louisiana.

in 1984, when johnson was 12, his fireman father narrowly survived an explosion. later, johnson recalled, "all i ever aspired to be was a fireman." but his parents would not let us be firemen after that. it was a life-changing moment. a person could just forbid other people from living their lives the way they wanted? that is what mike wanted to do when he grew up. soon, mike became the first member of his family to attend college, despite his bible-based upbringing, he chose notorious party school lsu, where he was definitely not in this footage. after graduating lsu law school, this generic man married his generic life partner. but don't worry. their marriage also had a crazy side. mike and kelly were but under an unusual arrangement known as coming into marriage, which essentially makes it illegal to get divorced. embarking on his legal career, mike johnson was hired by the

toughest client of all, god. as an advocate for evangelical organizations, johnson fought to close abortion clinics, denounce birth control as the taking of human life, and declared gay marriage... the dark harbinger of chaos. >> if same-sex marriage is allowed, johnson wrote, there will be nothing to stop people from marrying their pets. yes, god's plan just warrior fought to make sure a visit to the pound didn't end with a trip to pound town. it was around this time that johnson hopped on board noah's ark. specifically, a full-sized replica built by a creationist museum to teach kids that the earth is 6,000 years old and that people and dinosaurs live together. johnson represented the ark encounter in a successful fight for the right to public funding and became something of a spokesman for god's jungle cruise. >> the ark encounter is one way to bring people to this

recognition of the truth, that what we read in the bible actual historical events. >> in 2016, johnson would take part in an actual historical event of his own. getting elected to congress. is a new congressman, johnson signed a pledge to play nicely with the other representatives, even the godless. >> we all committed to mutually respect one another, to disagree in an agreeable manner. >> it was another beautiful covenant marriage. johnson has been true to his word, maintaining a perfectly innocent and simple demeanor as he championed donald trump's muslim ban, climate change as unnatural, and pushed for a nationwide don't say gay law. johnson's notable bills would ban almost all abortions after six weeks and not just to save the unborn babies. also to save social security. >> roe v. wade gave constitutional coverage to the elective killing of unborn children in america. if we had the able-bodied workers in the economy, we wouldn't be going upside down

and toppling over like this. >> finally. somebody is thinking of the able-bodied workers but men should be pumping out against their will. then came the 2020 election. as the holder of an actual law degree, albeit from lsu, johnson was uniquely qualified to craft the argument that donald trump when he was in his efforts to get the results to overturned in court, which is how johnson finally became interesting enough to earn the nickname. >> maga mike johnson. >> maga mike johnson, i kind of like that. >> yes, mike johnson finally had it all. a reputation as a lunatic among the people who knew him, but no reputation at all among anyone else. shit. did it again. and that is how crazy boring mike johnson achieved his hard won victory, to become the least experienced house speaker in 140 years. you know, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

[cheers and applause] >> sarah: all right, when we come back, joel madden will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] (♪♪) kevin! kevin? kevin? ooh, nice. kevin, where are you? kevin?!?!?.... hey, what's going on? i'm right here! i was busy cashbacking for the holidays with chase freedom unlimited. i'm gonna cashback on a gingerbread house! oooh, it's got little people inside! and a snowglobe. oh, i wished i lived in there. you know i can't believe you lost another kevin. it's a holiday tradition! that it is! earn big time with chase freedom unlimited. how do you cashback? chase. make more of what's yours.

new dove men bodywash gives you 24 hours of nourishing micromoisture. that means your skin still feels healthy and smooth now... now... ...and now too. get healthier, smoother feeling skin all day. choose duracell to make the most of holiday magic. because before you know it, they're... moody teenagers! ugh! (sfx: toy hits floor) holiday magic is fleeting. don't risk it to save a few cents. trust duracell. (duracell mnemonic) [cheers and applause] >> sarah: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an artist and entrepreneur. you know him from the band good charlotte. he's also the host of the paramount+ reality competition series, "ink master." take a look. >> i was really surprised this was d.j.'s design because it is so simple. i think that is one of d.j.'s talents is, he zeroed in on what he thought would work for me and he nailed it.

>> sarah: please welcome joel madden! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ was that you? was that you getting the tattoo in that clip? >> that was me. >> sarah: what, did they edit you out screaming in pain? >> yeah, they did. i screamed for the first hour of the tattoo. >> sarah: is that true? >> then they gave me some percocet. >> sarah: well, i will say, i don't have a tattoo but my sister laura has many tattoos and she convinced my dad many years ago to get a tattoo on his ass of my stepmother's name, janice. >> great. >> sarah: he loved showing it to people. had to be like, dad, keep the

front of your pants up. >> [laughs] >> sarah: i have a quick montage of my dad being extremely stoic, getting his tattoo. >> oh, yeah. >> is it worth it? >> no! >> it is done. >> jesus christ. >> oh. [cheers and applause] >> i mean. the best part of an ass tattoo. >> sarah: what, the screaming? >> getting it and then showing it. >> sarah: yeah. so on your show, there are human canvasses that the contestants are using. >> that is what we call them. >> sarah: do you -- as you assess it and criticize it and -- do you feel bad talking shit about something that is going to be on someone's body forever? >> okay, so everyone who has ever gotten more than one tattoo

has gotten a bad tattoo. >> sarah: yes. >> for sure. but part of the competition -- no one is getting a terrible tattoo on "ink master." all of the tattoo artists are great. but we are trying to -- it is like splitting hairs sometimes. we do have to find what is wrong with the tattoos to get people off the competition, so we have to critique them. it doesn't feel great. >> sarah: right. you have your hit song 22 years ago, "lifestyles of the rich and famous," just like the robin leach show. >> just like that show. >> sarah: if you were to do that, if you in 2002 saw you now, in 2023, do you think you would be an element in that song? >> yes, i would say. uh -- well, the song was less of a

critique and more of maybe a manifestation? >> sarah: ooh. they are so with you. >> i don't know if i walk around and think of myself as rich and famous. >> sarah: right. >> but you know, there is some irony there. >> sarah: yeah, all right. let's talk about veeps, which i'm very interested in. it is a streaming service where people can see live concerts. >> vice presidents. i am kidding. >> sarah: did you say vice presidents? >> veeps. >> sarah: don't do better jokes than me, [bleep] asshole. >> actually, we have been working on this for seven years. it is a streaming platform for live concerts, and we just launched comedy. it is definitely -- it is a great platform for the future of live music is absolutely, people watch sports, they expect to be

able to watch whatever game they want. people want to see, from every tour that goes out, tickets sell out, we all know how that goes. more and more, there needs to be a place for concerts and for bands to build their live audiences, so live streaming is important to us. being a musician, we started it for the musicians. >> sarah: hot shit! you guys! [applause] the new season of "ink master" is streaming now exclusively on paramount+. we are going to take a quick break. but we will be right back. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] watch how easy it is to put on new hands free skechers slip-ins. i just step in and go. sitting? doesn't matter. i don't even have to touch them. ooo, gangsta.

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research foundation. there the nation's leading nonprofit investor in scleroderma research, aimed at seeking out therapies and hopefully a cure. if you can, please donate at the link below. and now, your "moment of zen." >> republican voters across the country are sick and tired of republicans, because they never do anything to hold this government accountable. republicans go out on the campaign trail and go on tv and do their five-minute hearing videos and post stuff on social media and say all this garbage about how they are going to fight it and stop it. i feel like many of the american people that think that republicans in congress completely fail them, i feel the same way, and i am a republican ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪