as i'm taking it down, a woman catches me. she tells me to stop. it's her father's business. she's tiffany. i say no. we make love all night. in the morning, the cops come, and i escape in one of their uniforms. i tell her to meet me in mexico, but i go to canada. i don't trust her. besides, i like the cold. 30 years later, i get a post card. i have a son, and he's the chief of police. this is where the story gets interesting. i tell tiffany to meet me in paris by the trocadero. she's been waiting for me all these years. she's never taken another lover. i don't care. i don't show up. i go to berlin. that's where i stashed the chandelier. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america... it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, sarah silverman! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> sarah: welcome to "the daily show!" i am sarah silverman. it is a big night: the s.a.g. strike is over! [cheers and applause] that's right! which means hollywood can finally get back to what they do best: turning your children gay. but we've got a great show for you tonight. so let's get right into the big election news with "the daily show"'s "doom-ocracy 2024." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] the presidential election is less than a year away. can you even believe it? i know, i'm so excited i wish i was dead! and last night was a big night for republican candidates. first, the frontrunner donald trump took a break from speak at a rally in florida. where he made up a very touching

moment. >> every time the radical left, democrats, marxist, communist, and fascist indict me -- they indicted me! can you believe? my father and mother are looking down. son, how did that happen? we are so proud of you. how did that happen? >> sarah: um... couple quick corrections. they never said they were proud of you, and they were not looking... down. [cheers and applause] by the way, am i crazy or is donald trump's face melting and congealing all at once? i mean, it was always weird, but now it's so sweaty and golden, you know, like, how in cartoons, bugs bunny would be hungry and suddenly someone's face would turn into a chicken leg? he is right to there. i'm starving. but while trump was dealing with his daddy issues, the rest of the g.o.p. field was down the

road at a primary debate. and things got pretty fiery right off the bat. >> ramaswamy repeatedly going after nikki haley. >> do you want a leader from a different generation who's gonna put this country first or do you want dick cheney in 3 inch heels? >> yes, i'd first like to say they're 5 inch heels and i don't wear 'em unless you can run in 'em. >> when asked if they would support a ban on tiktok, the attacks quickly turned personal. >> while her own daughter was actually using the app for a long time, so you might want to take care of your family first. >> leave my daughter out of your voice. [boos] >> -- adult daughter. the next generation of americans are using it and that's actually the point. you have her supporters propping her up. that's fine. here's the truth. >> you're just scum. >> sarah: wow, that was so many petty insults. donald trump may not have been there, but i believe he was looking down at them and saying, "i am so proud of you."

[cheers and applause] to be fair, vivek ramaswamy is really annoying. i mean, i have to admit, he does have big dick energy, but it's only because he's a huge dick. i mean, nikki haley was america's top diplomat at the united nations. she literally kept her cool with the worst dictators in the world. and 8 minutes on stage with vivek and she's like, "you are [bleep] scum!" he is so insufferable. he should just lean into it. he should say, "make me president, so i can annoy our enemies for america." like, he'll have one meeting with vladimir putin, and in 20 minutes, putin will mysteriously kill himself. he'll be like, "excuse me, i must accidentally fall out window now." now, it wasn't just bickering last night, there was a lot of substance. the candidates disagreed on whether to keep giving aid to ukraine, on whether abortion should be left up to the states, and on whether

but one thing that almost all the candidates agreed on is being horny for war. >> i would be telling bibi, finish the job once and for all with these butchers, hamas. >> the first thing i said to him when it happened was i said, finish them. finish them. >> i would tell president biden with great clarity, you have to strike in iran. >> if we are going to deter china from invading taiwan, the only way we're going to do it is to make sure that they don't know whether how many nuclear submarines from the united states of america are ready to strike on them if they decide to move on taiwan. >> i am going to send troops to our southern border. if someone in the drug cartels is sneaking fentanyl across the border when i'm president, that's going to be last thing they do. we're going to shoot 'em stone-cold dead. >> if i wear heels, they're not for a fashion statement. they're for ammunition. >> sarah: your heels are ammunition? where'd you buy those things, foot glocker?

whatever, it's my last day. [laughter and applause] it doesn't deserve an applause. it was a horrible joke. but it really seems like these people only knew how to do one thing. their solution is always war. meanwhile, we need shit fixed here! do we need to convince you that, like, iran is putting potholes in the streets? like, oh, no, iran is aiming a missile at affordable health care! but look, the debate wasn't all about fighting and war. in fact, it ended with a surprising, romantic twist. >> one more fun thing and we haven't seen this before. tim scott's girlfriend, mindy, was on the stage at the end of the debate. we got to see her for the first time. the reporters asked, "is this the girlfriend?" he said yes, and they've been dating for about a year. so that mystery is over, and he took her

there you go. >> sarah: aww, so sweet! man, you look for love your whole life and you finally find it with a respectable looking woman just two months before the iowa caucus. i mean, what are the odds? [cheers and applause] he really should have just proposed right there with. just got down on one knee, like, "mindy, would you make my campaign manager of the alive? it's just too bad for tim that he had to get this non-union actor to play his girlfirend. if he waited one more day for the strike to end, he could have gotten a professional actor fake-girlfriend. honestly, why do we make tim scott have to do this? why can't a single guy be president? i mean, are they worried the oval office is gonna be full of "fight club" posters and piss bottles?

for more analysis of last nights debate, we send not one but two, two correspondence to report on it. so let's go now to desi lydic and dulce sloan. [cheers and applause] desi, you are in the spin room, and dulce, i think we sent you to the debate hall? >> [laughs] no! why would i go on and all expenses paid trip to miami and then go to the debate? girl, i am trying to live! [laughs] i was at a bar eating stone crabs doing shots off of pit bull! >> oh, my god, dulce, that is so funny. i was off a bar doing shots off of pitbull. >> sarah: are you sure it was pitbull? >> 20%? >> no, but he was bald and cuban. so daddy! >> yet, but we did just watch

the debate 5 minutes ago on double speed. so ask us anything. >> sarah: great, great. so first question to both of you: who won the debate? >> easy, ramaswamy. to be that annoying on stage for that long without getting punched in the face? that's a win. >> respectfully, i disagree. the real winner last night was ron desantis. for this serial killer to go the whole debate without turning someone into a skin suit? i am impressed. >> sarah: he is a lot of things but i do not think he's a serial killer. >> oh, so that is just him? okay. >> sarah: moving on. thoughts on tim scott and his girlfriend? >> i don't like it, sarah. going official at a presidential debate is too much pressure on a girl. i had a guy run for president once just to impress me. i was like, how about you win an actual state first? then you can take me to red lobster, dennis kucinich. >> i don't know who that is.

and look. i love seeing the sequel to "get out." but i don't care if he is a senator. any 58-year-old man who has never been married is not a catch. he's a liability. he's like one of those couches that's been left out on the curb. you know, it might look good, but he's got bedbugs are all kinds of stuff and him. you gotta think twice before you sit on him! >> sarah: okay. [cheers and applause] so what is the big take away from the night. >> honestly come before me, i was depressed by the diversity on that stage. you had all kinds of people coming together to advocate for total war. you had a black man, a south asian woman, a south asian man, a short king, and a piece of shit from new jersey. >> my take away, i'm accustomed to a president of a certain age. you know, none of these candidates were old enough for

the job. i could see them climbing stairs, riding a bike. they could probably choose solid food. that is not my president. no! when i look at a president, i want to think, ooh, are we going to have to call a priest? >> sarah: okay, final question: do you think this debate will move the needle for any of these candidates? >> no, no. >> no. definitely not. >> not at all. >> their greatest hope is to maybe get a new awful nickname from donald trump. because that would prove he knows who they are. something like: tricky-nikki-haley, or "gonna-die-alone-tim-scott." >> sarah: why even have this debate then? >> oh, because the actors were still on strike! we needed something new to watch! it was either this bullshit or "the golden bachelor." ugh! eight nobody trying to say that we weird ass man talking to those funny looking women. >> sarah: well, great coverage,

as always. desi lydic and dulce sloan when we come back, we'll look at the hottest movie of the holiday season. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] you invest in yourself... and in others. you make the commitment when times are tough... to build a life.

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like "the exorcist," or "scream," or the 2020 election. and now, a new trailer just dropped for a horror reboot that puts an old classic in modern times. >> this winter, two evil will be born. >> let this woman give birth to the devil's woman give birth to the devil's son! [speaking latin] give them the a taste of hell! [screaming] [baby crying] >> hey all, satan! hale, satan! >> knock, knock. congrats. welcome, baby. beelzebub. before we go any further, who do i talk to about insurance? >> leave us, woman, for we have just birthed the son of satan!

>> okay, sure, but do you have health insurance because we don't even know if your plan is going to cover this. like, do you have a ppo or hmo or epo? >> i speak in tongues and i have no idea what you are talking about. >> [laughs] i get that a lot. all right, if you are not paying with insurance, let's see, the fee is going to be $35,215. >> jesus christ. [baby crying] >> shut that baby up. let me look at the bill. >> 9800 for the ob room come within the pharmacy chargers are here, here, and here, and we charge you for holding the baby. that is actually something we do. >> 6800 for imaging? come on. now who is being evil? >> you are so bad. until one a few days, this antichrist is property of dan joseph's ophthalmic hospital excuse me. oh look at those teeth. >> paramount pictures presents...

"rosemary's co-pay." >> this is why i wanted to knock up a lady in toronto. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> sarah: when we come back, judd apatow will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] travis kelce! two championship rings! seven consecutive thousand-yard seasons. you're brian halsey! zero debt, perfect payment history. i worship you man. you do? it's all the experian smart money™ debit card. it has a digital checking account that can build credit without the debt. i use mine for everything! -me too! -no way! ah man.

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"the daily show." my guest tonight is an emmy-winning writer, director, and producer. his latest movie is called "please don't destroy: the treasure of foggy mountain." >> if you don't start acting like we normally do, like regular friends, i guess, i am going to -- >> don't do that. don't do that. >> i don't want to do it. >> you don't have to! >> so much worse than i thought it was! >> there is no other way i can prove my point. >> oh, my god! >> buddy. >> we are losing, dude. >> what are you talking about? >> john, can we just talk? i feel like maybe -- >> oh, my god! >> sarah: please welcome judd apatow! ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] >> sarah: hello, interviewee. >> good to be here with you. >> sarah: so the strike is over. what have been doing the last 191 days? >> i was exercising and eating and then i decided to eat without the exercise. i want to get ozempic, and i want to take it and prove that you can gain weight on it. [laughs] i was binging, right? you are home all the time. you watch all the shows and you binge and then i thought to myself, these are all terrible. we don't deserve a raise. >> sarah: stop it! >> like, it is not strong enough. it is not strong enough. >> sarah: listen, you directors take the first thing that is thrown at you. >> [laughs] that is all we deserve. >> sarah: listen, so

"please don't destroy," this is a comedy group -- >> i am only here because of the strike. >> sarah: oh, i know. wiggle [laughs] because the strike, you get the lame guest, you don't get the star. nobody wants the producer. nobody wants darrell zanuck on the show. >> sarah: who is that? >> exactly. [laughter] >> it is a very, very funny movie with the guys from saturday night life. >> sarah: what is it about? >> okay, there is guys, there is a treasure -- the plot doesn't matter, sarah. it is just funny. it is funny. that is all. [cheers and applause] >> sarah: i saw the trailer and i thought it looked kind of "gooniesish." >> it is what we all need. pure silly. >> sarah: oh, boy. and these guys, these kids, i mean, they met in college, and what were you doing in college?

>> i went to usc. i went to the usc cinema school. >> sarah: no applause. >> [laughs] [cheers and applause] >> sarah: usually, someone claps but no, nothing for you. >> zero. i was not good. i was very young. i was 17 when i got there. everyone was much smarter than me, they loved movies more than me, so all of my little films were the worst ever. matt reeves, the guy who did "the that man" was in my class and his stuff looked amazing in my step was embarrassing. so then, i'm not that into it. i win "the dating game." >> sarah: weight kind must stop, what? >> i addition for "the dating game," as you do and i win a game to acapulco but when you had to go was during finals and so i had to decide whether or not to get an education or go to acapulco. >> sarah: acapulco? [cheers and applause] >> [laughs] >> sarah: oh, my gosh. >> there you go.

there i am. weight. let's go back. look what i did! >> sarah: fresh-faced, new skin there is a picture -- >> with the ladies. >> sarah: why are there two ladies? she gets to bring a friend for creepy reasons? >> we call it -- i think it is "chaperone." just chaperone. nothing. >> sarah: oh, chaperone. then it was right. [laughter] kevin nealon was on "the dating game." >> many people. steve martin, peter herman. they were all. farrah fawcett. >> sarah: really? >> yes! >> sarah: sorry. >> [laughs] sarah is going to go on a youtube search and find all of this later. he went out of the strike is over, what are you going to do? what is your plan? >> i started working on a book because i didn't know how long it will last so i'm putting out a book called "comedy nerd," which is a scrapbook of all of my photos and memorabilia. >> sarah: you have so much

stuff. >> i brought some stuff because i don't know what to put in the book because i literally have half a million voters in my phone. so i thought i would show you and you can tell me if it is book-where they. >> sarah: this is so fun. [cheers and applause] >> here we go. the first -- look who it is! >> sarah: oh, my god! [cheers and applause] judd -- >> do you remember when that is? >> sarah: i have zero recollection. i know it is larry sanders. >> the first time i was ever allowed to direct was the larry sanders show, i directed you. my first scene was you. [cheers and applause] what is interesting is you look exactly the same now and i look like bernie sanders. [laughter] what else would i bring? i brought more. >> sarah: so fun. >> this was garry shandling's journals, what i did the documentary about garry shandling, i was able to read his journals. >> sarah: take this and plant it right into your heart.

give what you didn't get. that is -- that is awesome. give what you didn't get. [cheers and applause] >> love more. >> sarah: love more. >> but on the flip side, he had a big corkboard with all of these jokes, some of which i don't think he ever tried, for obvious reasons. but this is one joke i just thought it was weird that i found on his corkboard. it says, "where were you on 9 9/11? what year? i have had 28 bad 9/11s. [laughter] i don't think he ever tried it. but it was on a corkboard. >> sarah: that is a great one. >> sarah: what else do we have? this is one of my first jobs ever. that is me in the green shorts. that is paul simon come alive in central park, pregame show for hbo, with dennis miller right there. [applause] >> sarah: okay. the audience doesn't know --

>> but it had one of the first jokes i wrote for someone else which made me very proud, dennis said, "paul simon is going to be here pretty soon with the 38 musicians from around the world it took to replace art." [laughter] >> sarah: that is a great joke. >> that is solid. >> sarah: judd apatow, everybody."please don't destroye treasure of foggy mountain" will be streaming exclusively on peacock november 17th. we're gonna take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [alarm ringing]

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[cheers and applause] >> sarah: we have come to the end of the show tonight! and you can catch me on "the sarah silverman podcast" with new episodes every thursday, and listen to my comedy album "someone you love," on max or you could get the album words on streaming or whatever the [bleep]. stay tuned next week when your host is the amazing leslie jones. go sparks! now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> think of it. empty insane asylums. that is a bad word. people say, please don't use those words, sir. why? because it is so nasty. well, that is true. now an insane asylum, "silence of the lambs" -- anybody ever hear of hannibal lector? he was a nice fellow but that is what is coming into our country what is coming into our country right now. captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪