and i can't seem to find the column for shipping costs. - i made the most brilliant retaliation video. it is so awesome. - i don't get it. - yeah, i mean, the count has a very distinct voice. - yeah. "i vant to count to ten." - but oscar is an accountant, and the count counts numbers. - you're an accountant too, so it doesn't... - why didn't you do oscar the grouch? - that would have been funny. - that would have been funny. - but the count is purple, and oscar wears purple. - oh, oh, i was just watching that. did you do that, man? "oscar. i am the count." nailed him. nailed him. good work, cookie monster. - thank you. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america... it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show," with your host, leslie jones! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> leslie: yes! [laughs] welcome to "the daily show!" i'm your host, leslie jones, and i'm back for day two! [applause] that's right, you can't get rid of me, no matter how many of those healthy snacks you put in my dressing room. [laughter] and tonight is gonna be the best show ever, because i'm going to be interviewing steve kornacki! [cheers and applause] oh, my god! i love him! do you think he'll like my dress? okay, okay! do i need to put on glasses so i can seem smart? i want to be smart. how many states are there? because he's going to ask me how

many states there are. steve kornacki is going to ask me -- how many are there? samiti tell me! 50, 51? okay, you know what? deep breath. deep breath, okay? we are all going to be calm. deep breath. now let's get these headlines! [applause] ♪ ♪ let's kick things off with the supreme court. mm, child... they make rules for everyone else to live by. what we are allowed to say, what we can do with our bodies, how gay our cakes can be. [laughter] but it turns out they've had no rules for themselves until now. >> let's turn now to an historic move by the supreme court, the nine justices adopting a formal code of conduct for the first time in the court's history. >> this morning, a formal code of conduct now in place after a steady drip of stories on some of the justices' undisclosed trips, private jet rides, and other perks. this 14-page document signed by

all nine justices now laying out how they should avoid the appearance of impropriety, when to recuse from a case, and reaffirming the existing rules around gifts. public pressure to do something has been mounting in recent months after reporting about justice clarence thomas in particular, and years' worth of unreported luxury vacations paid for by a top conservative megadonor, something thomas said he believed he didn't need to report at the time. [laughter] >> leslie: are you kidding me? you're going to pretend you didn't know the stuff you did was wrong until now? having good judgment is the entire point of being a judge. [laughter and applause] okay? you are supposed to weigh everything and make a smart decision! that's why there's a bitch with a scale outside your office!

just ask her! [laughter] but now they finally have some ethics rules, which is so embarrassing. the supreme court went to thousands years without needing an ethics code until these corrupt bastards came along. [applause] it's like how tide pods had to add "do not eat" labels after all them tiktoker's started dying! [laughter] you know it, here's what really pisses me off, though. the ethics code isn't even enforceable, so it's not going to work! if you want to hold people accountable, you got to be able to fire them, okay? [cheers and applause] now, i used to work at ups. [laughter] and i did a good job, because i could get fired. if i couldn't get fired, do you know how many things i would have did to them packages?

[laughter] do you know how many of my ex-boyfriends would have got a horse's head? [laughter] let's move on to the congress. on a normal day, congress is the place where america's representatives gather together for a respectful debate about the issues. but today, one senator wanted all the smoke. >> the intense level of frustration being seen in the senate, check out this nasty exchange involving oklahoma republican markwayne mullin, teamsters leader shawn o'brien, and then bernie sanders trying to play peacemaker. >> you tweeted at me one, two, three, four, five times. and let me read what the last one said. "quit the tough guy act in these senate hearings. you know where to find me, any place, any time, cowboy." sir, this is a time, this is a place. if you wanna run your mouth, we can be two consenting adults. we can finish it here. >> okay. that's fine. perfect. >> you want to do it now?

>> i'd love to do it right now. >> well, stand your butt up, then. >> you stand your butt up, big guy. >> hold on. stop it. hold on. no, no, sit down. sit down. you're a united states senator. sit down. >> act like it. [applause] >> leslie: back off, bernie! bernie, shut up! they was about to fight! i want to see that! but, you know what? i knew this dude was trouble from the time i heard his name, "markwayne," all one word. his parents didn't even love him enough to pick one single name for him! they just shoved two names together and called it a day. "calm down, markwayne," isn't some shit i want to hear on c-span. it's what you hear when you watch an episode of "cops." [laughter] more importantly, is that what america has come to? people fighting in the senate?

i want in! lindsey graham, i want you in the ring! [cheers and applause] bring your weird-ass so i can beat your ass! mitch! mitch! mitch! oh, somebody already hit him. [laughter] all right, finally, it's almost thanksgiving, that time of the year you've got to listen to all your worst relatives complaining about things that they just don't understand. and, this year, the complaining started early. >> macy's has been drawn into the culture wars, facing backlash this morning over its annual thanksgiving day parade. nearly 20,000 people have signed a petition blasting the upcoming event as a "non-binary and transgender extravaganza." they're upset that two non-binary broadway stars are scheduled to perform, including alex newell, who just won a

tony award. the group behind the petition claims macy's does not have the best interests of children in mind. >> leslie: what? wait a minute, sorry, did i miss something? did we solve world hunger? is war over? is the homeless crisis done? 'cause a stranger's genitals in a parade is literally the last saying someone should be worrying about right now. [applause] when it comes to parades, the only thing you're allowed to complain about is the traffic! y'all do so much complaining, that's why your turkey taste like burnt asshole, because you're focusing on the wrong thing. put the internet down and pick up a turkey baster! whose even watching the parade nowadays? did you not finish all of netflix? to be honest, for a long time, i

didn't think the macy's day parade was even a real thing. i thought it was just a make-a-wish thing for al roker. [laughter] for more on the macy's thanksgiving day parade, let's go live to macy's in herald square with dulce sloan! a dulce! [applause] >> hello, it's me! >> leslie: what do you make about the people complaining about this? >> i mean, i think they need to figure out what they want. there are so obsessed with gender roles and who's got what genitals. do we want to make the balloons anatomically correct? do they need to see clifford's big red dog coming down the street? what about spongebob? what's in them square pants? and can we talk about the fact

how he's a kitchen sponge in the sea? that's always bothered me. we have to get that figured out before rethink about his dick. parades are gay, all right connect to the core. you have color, costumes, choreography, tony's, and charlie brown is serving the face! and everyone is happy! only gay people can do that, all right? all parades are gay pride parades! [cheers and applause] >> leslie: well, you know, not every parade is gay. what about the klan march? >> still pretty gay, ms. leslie! [laughter] think about it! that marching is choreography. [laughter] those robes, that the costume. and, once again, ponies! >> leslie: [laughs] >> now, they are not serving

face, because, you know... no... [laughter] you know, not everyone can. face, face, face. [cheers and applause] >> leslie: okay, dulce, let me ask you something. what type of parade would make you happy? >> i thought you'd never ask! picture this. morris chestnut, leading a troop of morris chestnuts, dancing under a balloon of morris chestnut! and rounding up the back is an oiled up morris chestnut roasting over an open dulce! [cheers and applause] >> leslie: how can we make that happen, girl? >> girl, i'll start a gofundme! come on! >> leslie: give it up for dulce sloan! [cheers and applause] when we come back, we'll find out the newest way to get a hug, so don't go away. [applause]

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weird. and now it's easier than ever for them to get it. oneone of those booming busines? professional cuddling. >> christie is actually a professional cuddler, and josh is a client. >> a lot of times people are just looking for someone to spend some time with. >> as one who goes through life avoiding human contact, i wasn't thrilled about someone who made a living from touching other people. >> i have to admit, it does sound a bit scammy. it sounds like you're ripping off people have never heard of a body pillow. >> it's not just about the physical act of cuddling. the body pillow cannot talk to you, right? >> i would see the fact that my pillows can't talk back to me as an asset. >> i totally understand that, but we have a code of conduct. we talk a lot about consent. >> how does one become a cuddlist? do you need a degree or is it a fake certification like a sandwich artist? >> it's time to be skeptical, but when you have nurturing touch that is very much wanted,

your level of oxytocin increases in your body and you are flooded with this wonderful, feel-good love hormone. touch deprivation is linked to a lot of things. it can be linked to impulsiveness, anxiety, stress, and low job performance. troy? >> that's amazing. that's fascinating. what? >> it seems like you might be a good candidate for professional cuddling. >> i'm fine. >> how do you deal with stress and anxiety? >> i deal with it like most normal humans do. ♪ ♪ [laughter] ♪ ♪ >> i think there are probably healthier ways you can deal with your anxiety. >> okay.

well, my self-therapy is free and only requires a nearby abandoned warehouse, whereas these cuddle sessions can cost anywhere from $80 to $150. he would pay for that? >> have been a cuddled client for about two years now. >> will kind of responses do you get from people when you tell them you're a cuddled client? >> "why would you do that?" "is it safe?" "is there sex involved?" >> i thought that. are you desperate, are you horny, are you single? if so -- >> none of the above. >> so you are in a relationship? >> i am. >> so what was your partner's reaction? >> my partner said, is there something lacking here? and the answer was absolutely not. it was more about self-care. >> what are the benefits other than getting rid of all that extra money in your bank account? >> i wanted to be cared for. >> why cuddling when there are so many other obvious ways to

deal with your emotions? >> like what? [laughter] why don't you come observe a session? >> okay. >> [exhaling] >> how long does this normally go? [laughter] >> it's just going to go for about an hour, quietly, sil silently. [laughter] i need quiet. >> i'm not even here. [tranquil music] >> hi. it's me again. so, just to confirm, there's nothing sexual have been here? >> would you like to sit down

and ask some questions? >> absolutely. i would really enjoy that. thank you so much for that, this up close vip splash zone. could you explain how you can participate in something so intimate without wanting to take it a step further? >> the most important thing is, if at any point she is uncomfortable, that she will let me know. and if i'm on comfortable, i will let her know. >> so how do we break down the stigma and negative connotations for all those closed minded o oafs? >> i think we normalize it by talking about it. and to let people know that there's something they may not have considered. >> you could try a cuddle session. >> okay. all right, we will just -- >> no, no. this is my session. you should book a session. >> okay. >> i needed a moment before i

willingly spooned a stranger. i do see their benefits and i've been stressed. we have climate change, race relations, people drinking orange juice with pulp. just eat an orange! but it doesn't mean i have intimacy issues. okay, maybe there is stuff i need to work on. bernadette does seem at peace. and what's going happen, i get a well needed nap? >> get out of my house! >> it was cuddle time. >> this is amazing. is it going to cost extra if i, like, open up the floodgates a little bit? >> not at all. >> [crying] dad! why? why did you let me quit piano lessons? >> the cuddlists were right. i felt transformed and my hormones are flying high. i was a new man ready to embrace the world through cuddles.

[laughter] [cheers and applause] >> leslie: thank you, troy! when we come back, steve kornacki will be joining me on the show, so don't go away! [applause] every day, thousands of kids may miss school because they lack access to clean clothes. but with this cycle, whirlpool is helping end that cycle. because care counts by whirlpool is putting washers and dryers in schools. learn more at whirlpool.com. are you still zillowing for the perfect house? what? no. maybe. yes. well now you can zillow a home loan and an agent, to get you that house you've been dreaming of.

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he has gotten me through every election. he is the king of the khakis, and he has an apartment in my heart. [laughter] i have never met him in person until this moment, so i am so excited to welcome and finally see, live and in person, right here, for real, steve kornacki! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> great to meet you. >> leslie: oh, my god! ♪ ♪ [sustained applause] oh, my god! [laughs] okay, so -- >> it's great to meet you. >> leslie: you, too! it's so crazy we've n never met before! i'm pretty sure you know i'm totally obsessed with you. >> i've seen some clips.

>> leslie: would you like to see the big clip they made of our love? >> let's take a look. >> steve kornacki is the sexiest nerd on tv. when he would grab the thing and be like, "no!" and mark on the board, i was like, oh, god. keep solving the problems, mr. kornacki! >> is that a 7? is that a 7, steve? >> when you pulled that calculator out i was like, what? you're going to tell me the exact answer? your khakis and year gap shirt and your regular [bleep] tie, dude, and your two-tone belt? you belong to us! [laughter] >> leslie: oh, my god! [laughs] i am so embarrassed, but not really. when you are standing at that big board, and you've got that

damn calculator, how do you keep all your facts straight? >> fortunately we've got great technology now. it's amazing. as you say, i've been an election nerd for a lot of my life, and what was possible on an election night, say, 25 years ago, is a fraction of what's possible now. there's so much information loaded into that board, there's so much we can do with it, any given county, any given state, any given congressional district, demographic information. we are able to show what's happening in real-time with a depth and a sophistication. it just wasn't possible before. [laughter] >> leslie: that was such a sophisticated answer. [laughter] i did something kind of goofy. okay, so... okay. [laughter] i just -- you know, i got you a little present. [cheers and applause]

it's a calculator! i put your name on the back. it's pretty long. we can figure those things out. >> maybe look for it this next election! >> leslie: oh, my god! if you use my calculator, i'm going to lose that! [laughs] okay, let me ask you one more important question. now, i heard that you didn't know who taylor swift was. which, i don't care. [laughter] but do you know who beyonce is? >> yes. >> leslie: okay, good. whew, i was going to have to divorce you, steve! you are awesome. be sure to watch steve kornacki do his thing on nbc and msnbc, and we are going to take a break, but we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> thank you very much. >> thank you very much. >> leslie: i'm so glad we

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walter don't, no, ahhhh. ahhhhh! you're lucky you're so cute. only pay for what you need. ♪liberty. liberty. liberty. liberty.♪ >> leslie: that's our show for tonight, but here it is, our "moment of zen." >> i'm sorry. you will have your time. >> can i respond? >> no, you can't. this is a hearing, and god knows the american people have enough contempt for congress. let's not -- >> i don't ♪ ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪