maybe that's not the best one. keep reading. - it was. maybe it wasn't. "oh, thank god. i had a horrible nightmare that i was stuck in america with gabe." oh! [laughter] no, that's not the one i was thinking of. keep going. "i know what it smells like, but i didn't roll in anything. it's from listening to all of gabe's bull [bleep]."." [laughter] "isn't this the perfect romantic getaway, erin? sitting on a desert island in dog costumes? i'm gabe, and i'm a weirdo." [laughs] that's pretty good. "gabe's mom. hmm. gabe's mom? wait, tall woman, looks like gabe? yeah, i banged her." yeah[laughter] go. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america... it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your hosts, leslie jones and jordan klepper! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> leslie: yes! hi, everybody! i am leslie jones. >> jordan: and i'm jordan klepper. [together] and this is "the daily show!" [laughter] [cheers and applause] >> jordan: oh, man. we worked on that all day. >> leslie: all day. and completely forgot to prepare the rest of the show. >> jordan: so we are just winging it from here on out. but it is going to be a great show... [together] so let's get into the headlines! >> jordan: i'm loving this! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> leslie: all right. let's begin with the big story out of washington, d.c. one of the rising young stars of the republican party is not rising anymore. >> we begin with that shocking turn by embattled new york congressman george santos saying he will not run for re-election.

that announcement follows the release of the house ethics committee report just hours ago, concluding there is substantial evidence santos violated federal criminal laws. >> this report could potentially change the calculation on capitol hill, saying that he fraudulently exploited every aspect of his house candidacy for his own personal financial profit. >> they say that santos blatantly stole from his campaign, spending campaign funds, according to this report, on things like botox, lavish trips to atlantic city, on onlyfans, on designer goods. i mean, really, everything under the sun. >> leslie: no! what? our george? >> jordan: no! our star volleyball player? george! >> leslie: not the man who prevented 9/11? >> jordan: no, no. leslie, i hate to say it, but this man is really making me start to distrust politicians. leslie, can you believe this? >> leslie: i can't believe it but it is true. santos got caught spending campaign money on botox and onlyfans.

and this is on top of him stealing credit cards, wire fraud, and identity theft. when he goes to jail, and they ask him, "what are you in for?" he's going to be like, "everything!" and i don't even get some of this spending! how do you spend money on "lavish trips to atlantic city?" have you been to atlantic city? [laughter and applause] a lavish trip there just means you don't go home with bed bugs. and he's spending money on onlyfans? i feel sorry for his campaign manager. "mr. santos, should we buy some more bumper stickers?" "no! i need this to jack off!" >> jordan: yeah, i mean, here is what i think. why is he spending money on botox? he's the youngest member

of congress by a thousand years and you don't get botox. just stand next to mitch mcconnell. >> leslie: exactly! he doesn't need botox, but the rest of them old-ass congressmen do. we should at least get chuck schumer some more titties. some new titties. >> leslie: [laughs] whatever he wants, he gets it. >> jordan: let's consider the case settled. moving onto international news. yesterday, president biden met with chinese president xi jinping, and it sounds like the results were mixed. >> now to the high-stakes summit between president biden and china's president xi. >> the leaders of the world's two greatest superpowers had not even spoken in a year. now lowering the temperature, agreeing, president biden says, to pick up the phone when the other one calls. >> there was another headline out of the meeting that i think a lot of americans will be happy to hear. >> just a week after washington's national zoo said farewell to those three giant pandas, president xi teased that

china will send more pandas to the u.s., calling them envoys of friendship. >> new fallout this morning from president biden's meeting with the man he called a dictator. >> well, look, he's a dictator in the sense that he is a guy who runs a country that is a communist country that's based on a form of government totally different than ours. >> the chinese foreign minister quickly responding, calling the remark extremely wrong and irresponsible political manipulation. >> jordan: now, i understand why china is mad. but in biden's defense, "dictator" is actually the least offensive thing i've heard an 80-year-old man call a chinese dude. and some people wish biden was more diplomatic to a guest, but let's be honest, a week from now, everyone in america is going to talk shit about every single person who comes over for thanksgiving. and if i can call my cousin a pill-popping drama queen, then biden can call a dictator a dictator.

[applause] leslie, am i wrong about this? >> leslie: no, you are not wrong about this. i sure wish he had the balls to say it to him in person. you know? if you are going to call me a bitch, call me a bitch to my face. >> jordan: i have that on a throw pillow. >> leslie: now, what we should be talking about is those pandas. i am so excited! they are coming back! [cheers and applause] >> jordan: yes, yes. the pandas are exciting but let's not get distracted by sideshows. the media will pay attention to the little things, not the serious issues. we need to focus on taiwan, the uighurs, climate change. >> leslie: yes, of course, of course. taiwan is very important. but them pandas, though! but did you see the pandas? did you see the video where they were all around and there's snow? oh, my god, so cute! >> jordan: they are very cute and the snow makes it even cuter but we shouldn't take our eye off the ball. >> leslie: ooh, speaking of the

ball, did you see the video of them playing with the ball? >> jordan: i mean, that is adorable. it is like a dog meets a bear! it is a panda! [laughter] it is a dog fair! [laughter] >> a little cute one. >> leslie: it is so cute! so cute! >> jordan: oh, man. what were we talking about? >> leslie: it doesn't matter. >> jordan: it doesn't seem to matter. let's move on, shall we? >> leslie: yes, let's move on. it's been two years since the taliban took over afghanistan and if you are wondering how they are running the country, just check this out this out. >> new footage out of afghanistan shows taliban security forces patrolling the streets of kabul on rollerblades. the video, which has gone viral after being uploaded to youtube, shows soldiers holding on to the side of military vehicles and training on in-line skates. >> leslie: okay, i wasn't sure before, but now it's official: the taliban are bad people. i mean, goddamn, what the hell is going on with the taliban?

are y'all making another "xanadu" movie? and you know what, i can't believe how smooth their roads are! i can't even drive down the fdr without giving my car a hysterectomy. it is just so embarrassing for america that we lost a war to a bunch of dudes that's doing the bounce! >> jordan: i will say, though, if we had to fight them again, it is good to know that all we need is a handful of loose gravel. [laughter and applause] all you need. all you need. i will say this. to be fair to the taliban, which is a phrase i never thought i'd say, this is not that much weirder than what police officers over here are doing when they're riding horses. >> leslie: that is true. whenever i see a police on a horse, i'm like, how does this work? if he arrests me, do i jump on

the back of the horse? >> jordan: yeah, or do i have to get my own horse? or does he drag me behind his horse like a western? i don't know. it's weird. the point is, leslie and i agree that we are no different than the taliban. finally, let's turn to some music news. one of rap's most beloved stars is finally releasing a new whole new direction. >> outkast's andre 3000 is releasing his first album in 17 years. but it is not what you might expect. his day boot solo album "new blue sun" centers around woodwinds. he plays flute along the album along with other instrumentalists. ♪ ♪ >> jordan: oh, you know what? this is a beautiful, fascinating experiment -- >> leslie: no! no, it is not! i'm got to say something,

jordan. this man is one of the greatest rappers of all time. we have been waiting 17 years for this [bleep] to release a new album, and it's all flute? i'm going to kill somebody! >> jordan: okay. >> leslie: this is how you know the white people are winning. y'all done turned andre 3000 into jethro tull! [applause] >> jordan: it's a fair point, leslie, but i'm sorry, i think this is brave. >> leslie: yeah, it's brave. because if you play this shit in the hood, you going to get your ass beat. >> jordan: no, don't listen to leslie, andrew 3000. >> leslie: andre! andre! >> jordan: sorry, yes, yes, andre 3000. although, this is more of an andrew 3000 project. artists have to evolve. you can't be rapping into your 50s. there are only so many words that rhyme with "sciatica."

>> leslie: i'm not saying that he can't evolve. you don't always have to stay in your lane, but try not to drive completely off the road and into a damn flute store! >> jordan: i think it's great. he's reaching a new audience. a rapper released an instrumental album. and finally i can understand the lyrics. >> leslie: what? man, you crazy. a flute can only go so hard! it's not like somebody said, be quiet. the flute is about to come on. that is my shit! >> jordan: a flute can still slap. a flute can still slap. a flute can slap. >> leslie: oh, my god. >> jordan: personally, i can't wait for the moment when a tesla pulls up next to me blasting this album at a moderate volume. all treble, no bass. >> leslie: no! no, andre! no! do not listen to him. and you know what? you owe me an apology right now. and you know what that apology should sound like? ♪ sorry, ms. leslie, i am for real ♪

>> jordan: ♪ never meant to make leslie cry ♪ ♪ i apologize for playing the flute ♪ >> leslie: that's right! when we come back, we'll find out if new yorkers can be nice! so don't go away. >> jordan: ♪ i'm for real ♪ ♪ sorry, miss leslie ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ there's no business, like show business... ♪ ♪ like no business i know... ♪

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[cheers and applause] >> leslie: welcome back to "the daily show." the holidays are coming soon, which means it's time to open up our hearts. even for the people who don't deserve it. so i hit the streets to find out if new yorkers can get into the holiday spirit. all right. i'm out here on the streets and we are going to see if people can reach down into their heart and soul for the holidays and say something nice. i got to remember to say something nice. i got to -- it is thanksgiving time. it is time to, you know, do nice things for people, you know, goodwill to men, you know, all of that shit. there's got to be something you can say nice about mike pence.

>> oh, man. he's fit, maybe? >> leslie: he is fit? >> not really, i am trying. 's when you don't have to worry about him [bleep] a girl. unless her game is mother. >> my girl would not be into him. >> leslie: you say it is so hard and you never know if he slides up to your girl and be like, "don't believe what these hoes be saying." got to say something nice. what nice think you have to say about this man? >> let's see, he looks like he can tie a nice tie. >> leslie: he can tie a nice tie. that actually is -- >> it is pretty clean. damn, kim jong. what can you give me about putin? >> okay, well, he shaves his chest. >> leslie: he shaves his chest. >> got to give him the nice skin. >> leslie: nice skin. it's thanksgiving. goodwill. >> he is an animal lover. >> leslie: that is so good. >> he's comfortable -- >> leslie: he is comfortable in his own skin. >> body positivity. >> leslie: dude, you are killing this. what can you say nice about this

man? >> he is rich. >> leslie: that is not -- okay. >> i will say, he is intelligent. >> leslie: no, he is not. >> he is smart. >> says who? >> he's done a lot, right? with, like, technology? >> he lost money. >> we all make mistakes. >> i'm sure he has good ideas. >> exactly. >> but he doesn't do them. >> leslie: [laughs] see, david said nice things and then take them back. >> immediately. >> leslie: all right. do you know who that is? >> i know that lady. >> leslie: marjorie taylor greene. >> she more than a republican. we got to be nice. we got to be nice. what can you say about this woman that is nice? >> she seems to love her country. >> leslie: i will take it. that is on the line but i will take it. this is a season for love. we got to say nice things about people.

amy and jeff, what can you say nice about this woman? come on. dig down. it's thanksgiving. it's christmas. >> nice teeth? >> leslie: nice teeth? teeth? she has nice teeth? >> yeah. >> leslie: right, okay. she could be in the "barbie" movie. >> yeah, yeah. >> leslie: definitely could be in the "barbie" movie. >> i don't know who that is. >> leslie: you don't know who this is? >> i have no clue who that is. who is that? >> leslie: it is ivanka trump. >> oh, okay. >> she is pretty. i would say she is pretty. >> leslie: listen. >> her hair is nice. >> leslie: thank you, david. take them where we can tape them, david. the bangs aren't good, though. reach deep down. reach deep down like he does into the budget to send people to where they are not supposed to be sent. >> he is -- he is one of god's children. >> leslie: he is one of god's

children. >> that is a beautiful thing. >> leslie: i am going to disagree with you on that. i don't think god created this piece of shit. i am trying! i am trying so hard with this [bleep]! [cheers and applause] >> jordan: thank you, leslie. when we come back, taika waititi will be stopping by. don't go away. [cheers and applause] ♪just hear those sleigh bells jingling ♪ ♪ring tingle tingling too♪ ♪(ring-a-ling-a ding-dong-ding!)♪ ♪come on, it's lovely weather♪ ♪ for a sleigh ride together with you ♪ ♪ (ring-a-ling-a ding-dong-ding!) ♪ ♪outside, the snow is falling♪ ♪ and friends are calling♪ ♪"yoo hoo!"♪

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this was no bear. it was like a bearsquatch! dad. what's a bearsquatch? it's a cross between a bear and a sass... it's made up. he's usually sleeping. he'll never sleep again. ♪♪ ♪ “it's love” by chris knox ♪ ♪ ♪ i need you ♪ ♪ i need you every single day ♪ ♪ and i want you ♪ ♪ ♪ i want you every single way ♪ ♪ and i need... ♪ [cheers and applause] >> leslie: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an actor and

oscar-winning filmmaker whose new movie is called "next goal wins." >> turning speed. hustle, hustle. hustle, hustle. you know what, forget about it. forget about it. hut, hut, hut! ♪ ♪ the object is to get the ball in the net. concentrate. look where you are shooting it. what the hell? don't look at me. look at the ball. ♪ ♪ [laughter] >> leslie: yes! please welcome taika waititi! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[laughs] yeah! [laughter and cheering] yes. sit next to me. yes. he is very, very -- yes, he is very silly. he is very silly. yes, boo. >> just let me take them in. let me absorb their energy and their souls. [cheers and applause] >> leslie: so damn sexy. [laughs] >> i'm ready now, i have fed. i am ready. >> leslie: [laughs] tell me about this new movie. "next goal wins," tell me about it. >> i will tell you about it. it's the true story of the worst soccer team in the world.

and this really happened. american samoa had a team and in the history of the country, they had never won a game or scored a goal. they still hold the record for the biggest international loss and that was against australia and that was 31-0. >> leslie: wow. >> so they did not let that deter them. they got a new coach, played by michael fassbender, he came in, turned them around, and you know, they gave each other a little something and they both gained something from their relationship. it is an uplifting story, rare these days. you know, where nothing bad happens to anyone and it's just a beautiful, uplifting story about an underdog sports team. >> leslie: yes! [cheers and applause] i know it is good. oh, my goodness. >> leslie: tell me -- you know i am going to bring it up. "our flag means death."

>> yes. spanish jackie! [cheers and applause] >> leslie: so do you know what beast you was creating when you made me spanish jackie? do you know the trouble you started in my house? because can't nobody talk to me now. i want 20 husbands. i have a gang of outfits. what were you thinking when you created mine? >> we need powerful people on screen. that show is so inclusive. and you know, everyone is represented. and it is, like, spot the hetero, spot the heterosexual character in that show, which is beautiful, a great thing to have. >> leslie: i would watch the show if i wasn't on it.

that is how good it is. i love the relationship of blackbeard and rhys, one of my favorite things on the show. it shows that such vulnerability and love and a tough man finding his feelings. i think it is so important. >> i'm so glad you said tough. >> leslie: to show that on screen. you know what i'm saying? tough men are supposed to have feelings too. the way you found your way to love and everything, i love everything about it. >> when you look at human beings in general, when people when tough guys say things like, you know, never let anyone get too close, not going to -- never fall in love, that is because they have a tendency to let people get too close and want to get close and are suckers for love. >> leslie: yeah. yeah. yeah. i am pretty sure you get this question all the time but i'm going to ask because you know i am crazy. do you know you fine as hell? [cheers and applause]

i mean, you are like one of those guys in high school that don't know that they are cute. >> oh, i know. >> leslie: [laughs] ahh! well, people, "next goal wins" is in theaters now everywhere on november 17th. we are going to take a break. thank you, taika. [cheers and applause] yes! taika waititi! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ travis kelce! two championship rings! seven consecutive thousand-yard seasons. you're brian halsey! zero debt, perfect payment history.

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this one looks brand new. saves me money? i'm starting to like downy. downy saves loads. popcorners! i know just the guy to talk to. what are these? say. their. name. popcorners! tight! tight! tight! yeah! are you still zillowing for the perfect house? what? no. maybe. yes. well now you can zillow a home loan and an agent, to get you that house you've been dreaming of. oh! i love this for you. [cheers and applause] >> leslie: woo!

that's our show for tonight, and my time this week as a guest host! but if you want to know what is going up with my upcoming tour dates or grab my book, "leslie [bleep] jones," check out the link below. and stay tuned next week when "the daily show" news team takes over the desk! now thank you so much for having me this week. [cheers and applause] here is your "moment of zen." >> is it true that you have a onlyfans pants and you can peel a banana with your feet? >> [laughs] i don't have one. i will indulge you this. i just discovered what onlyfans was about three weeks ago and it was brought up in a discussion in my office. >> what did you think? >> i was oblivious to the whole concept. [laughs] ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪