isn't that kind of the point? [music playing] [music - bruce springsteen, "rosalita"] rosalita, jump a little higher. se orita, come sit by my fire. i just want to be your lover, ain't no liar. rosalita, you're my stone desire. in america... it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, michelle wolf! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> michelle welcome. welcome. [cheers and applause] welcome to "the daily show." i'm michelle wolf. [cheering] and i'm back here at "the daily show" after six years away! mostly because the show has a new h.r. person, so i'm allowed back in the building again. [applause] we've got all the headlines today, all the major headlines. everything everyone's talking about. everything that happened this weekend, we're going to talk about it right here, right now. you guys, i'm so excited because

we're covering all the stories that are important to us as people and humans. so let's get into the headlines! [applause] all right, the first thing on everyone's mind. let's kick things off with our old friend #metoo remember her? a new york law that extended the deadline for sexual assault lawsuits last weekend was the deadline and boy, did the lawsuits come rolling in. speak of the mayor of new york is accused of sexually assaulting a woman 30 years ago. the woman alleges she was sexually assaulted by defendant eric adams in 1993. the woman found her claim just before the minute expiration of new york's adult survivors act. the temporary law signed last year by governor kathy hochul

allows adult sexual misconduct accusers to file lawsuits that previously would've been barred by the statute of limitations. in the past week, jamie foxx, guns n' roses front man axl rose and sean "diddy" combs. foxx and rose denied the allegations. combs denied, then settled. >> michelle: look, obviously a lawsuit is not proof of anything but diddy did settle quickly quickly. one day later he was signing that check like "i strongly deny any allegations against me." 30 million, there you go. also please don't kill me. i know, your list is long. i will go with the end. all these lawsuits popped up over the weekend just before the deadline so congrats, creeps.

if you didn't get a lawsuit this weekend, you're in the clear! go grab a titty! you earned it! grab two. both handfuls. both handfuls. get in there. i'm back for a reason, guys. isn't sexual aeadline for rape ? and right after thanksgiving too. it makes it feel like the greasiest black friday email ever. "act fast! you only have two hours to get justice for the worst day of your life! file a lawsuit today and receive a free tote!" let's move on to some news. for the sureties and the fatty's, which is something i can't say anymore thanks to a new law passed in new york city. >> a new law that bans his termination on a person's weight and height.

mayor adams signed the legislation six months ago. adding height and weight to characteristics protected by discrete nation when it comes to housing and jobs. other issues, age, race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, also characteristics protected by law. >> michelle: that's right. new york city is banning determination based on height and weight so congrats on yo momma finally being able to rent that apartment! [applause] in all seriousness, this morning and compliance with this law, coney island officially removed those signs that say you must be this tall to ride the roller coaster. shortly after, 50 short kings ks died. they fell right out. it was a field trip. i laughed at that joke for so long when we were writing it. just a bunch of little people

falling out -- too long? more? it's just too bad there's no good way to share this news that the people that it's meant to protect. like hey, john. good news you can't discriminate based on height or weight anymore. "why are you telling me that?" "uhh, no reason. just spreading the news, little guy. i mean big guy. i mean... guy." guy. international news, very important international news. a scandal out of great britain. apparently there's a law that's been on the books since medieval times that some areas of the country. if you die you don't have a will, all your shit goes to this guy. yeah, that's right, wrong hand. this guy. [laughter] it's backwards. the king of inland get your

stuff. your house, your books, soccer trophies. i'm sorry, whatever you call them. sounds bad but it's not a scandal. great britain is stealing from english people instead of africans? i call that progress. guys. who left that trevor joke here? come on, that joke was for trevor. a new study found exposure to cosmic radiation could cause astronauts to suffer erectile dysfunction, even after they return to earth. which explains why neil armstrong's second sentence on the moon was "i swear this never happens." they say what causes this is cosmic rays but what if it's just the awe-inspiring exterior to being in space? after that you're having sex

with someone in your life, i've seen the cosmos following performing like a glittering sea of infinity. sorry if your vagina just doesn't do it for me anymore." or to be inclusive. "i've seen the cosmos fall away before me like a glittering sea of infinity. so sorry if your butthole doesn't do it for me." [applause] we care. here at "the daily show," we care. for more on the space race, we go live to nasa headquarters with our very own michael kosta. [cheers and applause] michael, this is some shocking news. >> michael: it's devastating, michelle. it's why i've made the difficult decision to not to be an astronaut. and it's too bad. because i was just a couple of

youtube videos away from learning math. >> michelle: but michael, space travel is one of humanity's second greatest technological accomplishment. after the japanese toilet. isn't planting the flag on the moon worth a little bit of a limpdick? >> michael: unfortunately, no. the fact is, space-dick is a life-or-death issue for our planet. see, if science fiction has taught us anything, it's that most of the time you spend in space, you're having sex with hot aliens. that's how we prove to them that humanity is worth saving. but what if an alien queen takes me to the bedroom and i can't perform? earth gets vaporized, just because i couldn't blast off into milky way. we can't take that risk.

>> michelle: i don't think that's how real space works. >> michael: which one of us was almost an astronaut, michelle? >> michelle: neither one of us. what are you saying? we can't go to space anymore because you want to protect your? >> michael: i'm not saying that. it's humanity's destiny to explore the galaxy and harvest its resources so we can keep building iphones. no, michelle, now is the time for us to come together as a planet and devote all of our collective scientific knowledge to keeping our astronauts rock hard. okay, whatever it takes. space viagra. paint a nipple on the moon so it looks like a boob. if nothing else works, let's try sending teenage boys up there. space conditions won't stop those boners any more than my grandma's funerals did. >> michelle: thanks, michael. michael kosta, everyone. when we come back, i find out

how white new yorkers can be, so don't go away. hi, i'm ron reagan, an unabashed atheist. and i'm alarmed, as you may be, by the intrusions of religion into our secular government. that's why i'm asking you to join the freedom from religion foundation, the nation's largest and most effective association of atheists and agnostics working to keep state and church separate,

just like our founders intended. please join the freedom from religion foundation today. ron reagan, lifelong atheist, not afraid of burning in hell. are you zillowing houses in the burbs near your parents? - well, now you can also zillow an agent... - hi. to get you that house. or... a condo in the city, where they'd have to call first. ♪

the moment movie night becomes a double feature. ♪ frito-lay. there's a snack for that! [cheers and applause] >> michelle: welcome back to "the daily show." you might be surprised to hear this, but i'm a white woman. it's true! and this week, i hit the streets to ask my fellow white women

what's the whitest woman thing they've ever done. white women get a bad rap and i am out here to ask, should we? where do you think is the most white woman thing you've done? >> maybe go get a pumpkin spice latte at starbucks. >> having a spa day. >> i bought some bell bottom yoga pants because i saw them on another white girl. >> what were they, 150? >> yeah. >> sometimes i'll walk around when i'm in a really bad mood and imagine i'm sarah jessica parker. >> i went to an indian wedding, it was amazing. after the wedding, i took it to the dry cleaners and they tried to charge me $400 for this beautiful garment. i started fighting with them trying to tell them, it's really kind of rude and racist but you're charging me this much to clean this garment. i called my indian friends. wouldn't you be so proud of me? they were hysterically laughing. we have been trying to tell them

this for 100 years and you thought you could convince the whole dry cleaning industry. >> michelle: you were trying to be the dry cleaning savior? who is your black icon? >> oprah. >> oprah. >> oprah. >> michelle obama. >> naomi watts. >> michelle: naomi watts? not just because she's a supermodel. >> naomi campbell? >> michelle: have you ever been in this situation, you are like, i've got to go. my karen is right here and i don't want to let her out. >> i have certainly felt the rage of what a karen must feel. >> i was at trader joe's and i went up to the lady. i said can i have flowers? she said i'm talking to someone, sorry. i said okay. i'll sit here until you're ready. i need you to help me pick out a bouquet. she goes, i'm talking to my friend, sorry.

that was when i was kind of like, people suck at their jobs. >> michelle: when that happened, did you see anything to her? stay go i never do this. i went to her manager and i said, she needs training. >> do you ever feel like you're about to be a karen? >> if there is an opposite of a karen, that might be me. >> michelle: what would you name the opposite of a karen? >> how about a starlet. you know what i mean? every day is a dream. no judgment. steve and i love this, i want to be a scarlet. >> men get temper-tantrumy. >> michelle: it goes their w way. >> lee speak their mind.

>> michelle: when women karen, the artist ambitious. what's the last thing that you cried to get out of? >> maybe work. maybe when i worked at starbucks. >> michelle: are white women to blame? >> i think we are a big part of the problem. 2016, the election numbers, white women were a big part of the problem. >> michelle: 2020 too. >> those numbers don't bode well for us. >> michelle: should we maybe not to be able to vote? >> no. definitely we need to vote. i'm upset when people don't vote. we fought for this. i have to remember, not everybody got to vote at the same time as white women. >> michelle: when you hear people don't vote, what do you say to them? do you have a "you should vote" pitch? >> i ask if they pay taxes. you like roads, sidewalks, do you like trash on the street? >> michelle: you might lecture a little bit? >> yeah, definitely. >> michelle: what do you think is the best part about being

white? >> i don't usually think about it. maybe because i'm from russia. >> michelle: you think maybe not having thing about being white is a good part about being white? >> certainly. >> michelle: i did it come i proved white women are not a monolith. there is a whole range. after meeting with so many white women with diverse viewpoints i realized there was one thing we all have in common. >> one or two drinks. >> i do something called madonna dance. i will dance whenever, wherever. [cheering] >> michelle: when we come back, eric andre will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [applause]

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like this less humble, humble abode. that's what i'm talking about carl. intuit credit karma. download the money app where your hard work pays off. [cheers and applause] >> michelle: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an actor and comedian who is currently on tour. he also co-authored a new book about the making of "the eric andre show" called "dumb ideas." please welcome eric andre! [cheers and applause] >> eric: what is up? yes! they are hopped up. >> michelle: eric, big fan. >> eric: i'm a big fan of you. >> michelle: thank you. >> eric: your whole lifestyle. your spanish lifestyle.

>> michelle: i have a very international lifestyle, i do. and you would like to be an international body as well? >> eric: you'vegot to get me over there. >> michelle: yeah, yeah. we both would love to leave america. [laughter] >> eric: it's very scary here. every day is halloween. >> michelle: yeah. you do pranks? >> eric: i do pranks. >> michelle: did you feel like writing this book was a prank on yourself? >> eric: yeah. i'm not a book writer. not a book reader. the last book i read was "where's waldo?" >> michelle: did you find him? >> eric: and i never found him. that's why i stopped. it's a lot of work. it's a tremendous amount of work. >> michelle: you like to transform yourself for your roles. >> eric: i got head to toe filipino plastic surgery. yeah, i completely changed my race and nationality.

>> michelle: a picture of which filipino you'd like to look like? >> eric: i showed manny pacquiao. >> michelle: i was trying to remember the filipino boxer. i couldn't. >> eric: you teed it up for me. no, that was good. [laughter] yes, i got gaunt one season. i tried to look like mcconaughey. that was bad. and then i got as big and plump. i wanted to look like red fox drowned. and then i got shredded. i got ripped like dwayne "the rock" johnson for one season, and then it all went to shit. i went to portugal after i got ripped which took me half a year and i drank my weight in wine. it all went back. now i look like a beautiful female anytime. bellowing breasts.

d cup. pendulous orangutan breasts. >> michelle: you really paint a picture. i can see why you are an auteur. >> michelle: did you enjoy? >> eric: getting fat is the best i was eating melted ice cream, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and pizza. it's awesome. it's fun at first. you're like wow, it's crazy. i look gnarly. then you get really depressed. i also got rid of all my body hair that season. >> michelle: you could really see it all. >> eric: i waxed my pubic hair, shaved my head. the previous season, i didn't brush my hair all year and i didn't wear deodorant the whole time, and i grew out my fingernails like freddy krueger. i was trying to do the opposite of what i did the previous season. >> michelle: how long did your finger nails get? >> eric: they got pretty bad. my girlfriend at the time was

not happy. >> michelle: what about all the back scratches you could give her? >> eric: not a lot of back scratches. intimacy was difficult. >> michelle: i have trouble opening cans of soda with nails. i imagine intimacy is also -- >> eric: intimacy is a challenge. it's not easy. and i stunk that year. i didn't wash my outfit, my wardrobe. i was running circles sweating into it. i didn't wash it. i didn't wear deodorant a whole year. i was tough to date. yeah, i was gnarly. i was oscar the grouch. >> michelle: that sounds like a lot. >> eric: [laughs] it's kind of unnecessary too you can't smell me through the television. just to freak out the guests. >> michelle: that's a really good point. can't smell you through the television. >> eric: not yet. soon, very soon.

>> michelle: did the guests gag when they smelled you? >> eric: yeah. i interviewed amber rose and she came out and hugged me and she goes "you need to wash yourself." it was repulsive. it was repulsive. it was bad. >> michelle: [laughs] yeah, and she has worked at strip clubs. >> eric: yeah, she has smelled many a body odor. that tickled her. tickled her nostrils. >> michelle: this is -- >> eric: have we started filming? is this a rehearsal and then i come back tomorrow? [cheering] thank you. >> michelle: i think we're filming. as we keep going, i remember how much i am terrible at interviews. >> eric: what are you talking about? you're great. you're very confident. why are you so confident? >> michelle: why am i so

confident? oh, well, my big dick. keep rolling over it with the legs of this chair. [laughter] when it's that long, you lose feeling, right? am i right? am i right? [cheering] "dumb ideas" is available now and tickets for "the eric andre show live" are available at ericandretour.com we're gonna take a quick break. >> eric: on hulu, december 1st. thank you. thank you. >> michelle: you (♪♪)

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