i'm really sorry, dwight. answer me this, though. what? was it worth it? was it worth it, temp? no. really? i'm really sorry, dwight. the fire guy! the fire guy! ♪ joe mccarthy richard nixon studebaker television ♪ ♪ north korea south korea marilyn monroe ♪ ♪ ryan started the fire ♪ okay, rule five, safety first, i.e. don't burn the building down, okay? that should be a no-brainer. oh, look... ryan is book smart. and i am street smart. and book smart. i'll give you the rest of the ten tomorrow. >> it is the show that invented news. this is the daily show, with your host, michelle wolf. ♪ ♪

[applause] [cheers and applause] >> michelle: welcome to "the daily show," i'm michelle wolf. [cheers and applause] yes, despite the advice of my friends and comedy central's standards department, i am back for another night! touchy touchy. we've got a great show for you tonight. so let's get into headlines! ♪ ♪ let's kick things off with fox news, the white b.e.t. every once in a while i check in with fox just to see which race/pronoun/m&m should i be scared of now? let me guess, the brown one. i was surprised to find

something different from jesse watters, fox news anchor in the last face you see before blacking out at sigma kappa. those are going to get worse, okay? i turned on the news, i thought he was going to be talking about what was going on in the world and all he was doing was meandering through the world's most boring thanksgiving. he talked about it for like half of his show. >> i made a to-do list. i crossed everything off and now i cannot see how much i accomplished. i should have had a hard copy. i should have organized the list geographically based on where i was going instead of haphazardly. i bit off more than i can chew. i wake up, drink ounces of water, drank my green juice, pot of coffee, hopped in the car with my list in my hand. but i couldn't even make it to the second errand without having to go to the bathroom.

60 >> michelle: stop it. what is this story? get this out of the way. it is not a slow news week. you are sitting here talking about an incredible amount of liquid you've just ingested and how you are surprised and made you go to the bathroom. 60 ounces of water is a huge amount of water. when you had a green juice and a coffee. you are sloshing around out there like a human waterbed. i kept watching, thinking it has to get to a point. there is so much to say. he has to have something to say. we are going to keep this running and we will check back in. you will suffer how i suffered. let's move onto something lighthearted. abortion!

you guys remember how donald trump killed roe v. wade right after he killed ruth bader ginsburg? well now, trump is making the confusing and strategic decision to run as a "moderate" on abortion. yeah, trump. a moderate. on abortion. it's like the kool-aid man suddenly caring about walls. it's too late! the damage is done, ya big red bitch! don't let anyone tell you abortion is not popular in this country. even the man who killed them is acting like he supports them. what happened to roe vs. wade? obama lost it. but we're gonna bring back roe we're gonna bring back wade. i talked to both of them, they're on board. i love to make deals. wow.

[applause] i cannot believe i just won an award for the best trump impression ever. it smells terrible. before we move on, let's check in with a guy who looks like roofie magazine's man of the year. >> jesse: so i checked to see what time the carwash closes. it says 5:00 pm. i think, great, i'm only 15 minutes away. so i get there at 4:45, but when i get there, there's a big orange cone blocking the lane. >> michelle: the car wash closed early on thanksgiving. how is this news? this is not even news for your family. there is so much to talk about. let's move on to climate news.

this weekend the uae hosts the annual united nations climate conference, where countries from all over the world pretend to care about the climate crisis. they are planning to use the conference to make new oil and gas deals. that might sound scandalous, but this is what they have always done. it is like giving handjobs at jesus camp. it's fun because you know you shouldn't. let's see if evil david schwimmer is done yet with the neverending story. >> jesse: and i'm making fun of him, i was thinking, are you kidding me? you're getting rice pudding and the waiter says, sorry, we've sold out of the rice pudding. rice pudding is popular, i never thought it was. isn't rice pudding just like

rice inside of pudding? >> michelle: why is he still going? does the bus explode if he ends the story? [applause] while he explores the mystery that is rice pudding, we move on to business news. red lobster, the restaurant, not my vagina, had a promotion that got out of control. again, the restaurant, not my vagina. they offered endless shrimp for twenty dollars, thinking surely, people are not going to eat that much shrimp, and instead, they lost eleven million dollars. they expected people to order something else and they were like no, just more shrimp.

anything to drink? no, i will drink the sauce. the moral of the story is, it is fun to eat out. this time, i am talking about my vagina. for more on this fiasco, we turn to ronny. ronny, would you describe this shrimp disaster as jumbo? >> ronny: it sure is, michelle. red lobster learned a very powerful lesson -- never underestimate how horny americans are for shrimp. remember "forrest gump?" it was about a mentally-challenged war hero whose girlfriend dies of aids, but america saw it and said, "tell me more about this bubba gump shrimp company!"

and now it's a real restaurant that's how much americans love shrimp. >> michelle: come on, ronny, give us a break. can't we just enjoy our endless shrimp?? >> ronny: no. when this country offers you something "endless" it's never actually good. it's always endless war, student loans, jesse watters rants. >> michelle: also guns. and marvel movies. >> ronny: hey, hey! marvel movies are a treasure, and each and every character in them is precious and should get my own spinoff movie. in theaters, not this streaming only. >> michelle: good luck to you, but tell me, how does red lobster recover from this loss? $11 million is a lot for a restaurant that smells. >> ronny: not when you look at the broader economy. yes, red lobster takes a short-term loss, but giving

americans endless shrimp helps other industries, like commercial fishermen, and emergency plumbers, and the company that makes that thing that goes -- chh chh chh clear! if all those companies kick some money back to red lobster, then they can keep this promotion going. it is trickle down crustacean and it will help americans eat endless shrimp forever until the ecosystem collapses. >> michelle: i guess we all win. ronny chieng, everybody. we have to take a break, but first, let's check one last time with the madame tussaud rough draft known as jesse watters. >> jesse: and i noticed the dog is all wet. and she's like, oh, this is my dog, you know, kind of wet. you know, he just swam in the pond. and i'm thinking this is kind of crazy. you're letting your dog swim in a pond that is 37 degrees and a

nature preserve. >> michelle: the top prime time news show, over 16 minutes in and we got to wet dog. i don't know why he spent so much time talking about this. i don't know if he had to vent or he had to run errands and he had never done that and he had to let the whole world know about bathrooms and stores and putting, but i will say, this is 16 minutes i was not hearing about january 6th being a field trip. you know what, fox news, keep it up, little buddy. when we come back, how to live sustainably and why it sucks. [cheers and applause]

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there was more time. pizza pizza. the first time you made a sale online with godaddy was also the first time you heard of a town named dinosaur, colorado. we just got an order from dinosaur, colorado. start an easy to build, powerful website for free with a partner that always puts you first. start for free at godaddy.com [cheers and applause] >> michelle: welcome back. we all want to live more sustainably, but what does that really mean. grace kuhlenschmidt went to find out. >> you probably think about living in a cute cottage in the woods like ted kaczynski. you don't have to venture into the wilderness. meet josh. >> i use to empty my garbage weekly. now i empty it once in 2019,

once in 2018, once in 2017. >> recently, he went further, taking his manhattan apartment off the electrical grid. >> what is your problem with electricity? did it kill your family? >> i have my solar panels that i take to the roof, but that is it. i tried to minimize my footprint. >> what is electricity. i know the basics. it is the stuff that is in the air. >> it is very complicated. >> when people think it is simple, i think, are you dumb? >> we learn to control this power through wires and batteries and things like that.

>> his typical day starts with cardio, going up 11 flights of stairs with solar panels. >> you know we are breathing out carbon right now. >> that is part of the bios biosphere. >> i will be up there. give me one second. >> connect the solar panel to the battery. >> he has also been living packaging free for a decade. americans throw away millions of tons of trash per year, but josh says there is a better way. >> i keep my garbage here in the last time i emptied this was

christmas 2019. this is my fourth year on one load of garbage. if you bring a reusable container next time. >> this isn't reusable? >> people be dealing with it 500 years. plastic does not decompose. at messes with your hormonal system, causes disease. >> you have quite the imagination. >> he uses that imagination in the kitchen. >> i just put in nutritional yeast. >> it is really fragrant. >> bon appetit. i hope you like it. i think this will be better tomorrow. >> how is he keeping himself going? >> it may look like sacrifice to

others but to me it is about joy. >> you seem full of joy. >> i do what i can, but i have to balance that with my regular life. do i have to think about every other person on the planet? >> that is how i think. >> systemic change begins with a personal change. nothing damages you more than to do something you believe is wrong. >> i will quote abraham lincoln. god bless america. he said that a lot. josh inspired me and i was ready to make a difference. this is a day and my life was zero electricity and zero waste. i wake up -- no electricity means no lights. my toxic roommate is not home so i am using her food to make my

green glow smoothie. i start with bananas, organic kale, one scoop of collagen, and then, next up, a trip to a packaging free store where you bring your own containers. i always travel with my tupperware. check it out. i am really doing this. these are oats right here. last but not least, this is flour. you can way my whole hand just to make it easier. ♪ ♪ oh, my god. i did it. >> that was only 90 minutes. >> [bleep].

you have the wrong apartment. get out of here. little did i know, since we are about to get really bad. you said you were 5% 10 minutes ago. [bleep] you. good. all good. just me here with my thoughts. that is chill. i know what to do. sadly, i did not make it. but you know what i did make? a difference. that is something they can never take away from me. [cheers and applause] >> michelle: when we come back da'vine, joy randolph will be joining me on the show. don't go away.

hi, i'm ron reagan, an unabashed atheist. and i'm alarmed, as you may be, by the intrusions of religion into our secular government. that's why i'm asking you to join the freedom from religion foundation, the nation's largest and most effective association of atheists and agnostics working to keep state and church separate, just like our founders intended. please join the freedom from religion foundation today. ron reagan, lifelong atheist, not afraid of burning in hell.

liberty mutual customized my car insurance and i saved hundreds. with the money i saved, i started a dog walking business. oh. [dog barks] no it's just a bunny! only pay for what you need. ♪liberty. liberty. liberty. liberty.♪

♪ the moment you realize staying in is the new going out. ♪ bear! frito-lay. there's a snack for that! [cheers and applause] >> michelle: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a tony-nominated actor who stars in the new film, "the holdovers." >> neither of them made it to 25. my baby wasn't even 20. >> i am so sorry. >> i took this job when curtis was small because i wanted to ensure he was going to have a good education. he flourished here. >> he was a great kid. very insightful. >> he hated you. he said you were a real .

>> like i said, sharp kid, insightful. >> michelle: please welcome da'vine joy randolph! [applause] >> thank you. >> michelle: thank you for being here. it is wonderful to see you. we went to the same high school. >> same high school. >> michelle: we were from central pennsylvania and you did this movie, you had to do a boston accent in this movie. was that hard? i am terrible at accents. awful. was it hard to get into the

boston accent, hard to get out of the boston accent? >> it helps because we were filming in boston but it was hard because the accent i am doing is a 70s boston african american dialect. i am not sounding like mark wahlberg. it is different. >> is there anything you watched to get into that? >> donna summer is from boston. i would watch a lot of her interviews because it was more to the time. >> michelle: you could have listened to mark wahlberg. you have done incredible things, gotten to work with incredible people. are there other roles, you have done serious comedy. >> i want to get into biopics.

that would be fun. i started out with singing and that would be a nice way to merge the two. >> michelle: get this lady some real women. [applause] you had to pick up smoking for this role? did you have a hard time? >> you have to pick up smoking. you have to pick up an addiction. >> michelle: you have the joy of an addiction. did you get addicted? >> i was nervous about it. i feel like i might have the addiction gene. they gave me, before we started shooting, the director sent over two big boxes of natural fake ones and it wasn't working for me. because it was fake and looked fake while doing it, so i started using american spirits

because they have different gradients of addiction. nicotine gets stronger and stronger, so i had the blue pack, which i think is the lighter of them. i wanted to hold it, because she is an avid smoker. and they were like, the cigarette is going to tell on you. they are like, she is lying, she has never smoked. puff puff, i was going. i jumped in there and i smoked my life away. >> michelle: it is so good to see you. i am happy to see all your success. [cheers and applause] >> thank you. "the holdovers" is in theaters nationwide! we're gonna take a quick break, but we'll be right back but we'll be right back after this.

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♪ ♪ ♪ >> michelle: that is our show for tonight, but here is your moment of zen. >> my producer thinks i should get a rabies shot. i just wash it off with soap. that was my thanksgiving. that was my thanksgiving. how was yours - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪