duer mifflin, this is pam. hold, please. dunder mifflin, this is-- okay, sorry. michael was standing at my desk and i needed to be busy or who knows what would've happened. so thank you. [beep] hey, what's that word we made up for when you have a thing stuck in your shoe? anyway, i have a thing stuck in my shoe. [beep] hey, i have a chance to sneak out of here early, and i'm not messing this up so i'll see you tomorrow. [beep] calling from my cell phone. i don't know if you guys figured out who did that to michael's carpet yet, but i have a theory that it involves an interdepartmental conspiracy-- everybody in the office. we need to talk. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america... it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, michelle wolf! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> michelle: welcome, welcome to "the daily show!" welcome, welcome to "the daily show!" i'm michelle wolf. and i'm back again! [cheers and applause] yes, yes, apparently, for every hostage freed in the middle east, i get to host one extra night. i don't know how my agent somehow sneaked that into the ceasefire deal. but here we are. we've got a great show for you tonight. so let's get into headlines! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ let's begin with our friend, george santos, the it's pat of congress. i'm sorry, but what is he? is he a man, a woman, asian, latino, latina, several children stacked on top of each other? an old woman from the future? but one thing we know for sure: he'll be a congressman for at least a few more hours. >> the clock is now ticking on the brief, tumultuous congressional career of new york republican george santos.

>> the house could vote as early as tomorrow on whether to expel the embattled republican after an investigation found evidence of flagrant ethics violations. but he is not going down quietly. >> i have colleagues who are more worried about getting drunk every night with the next lobbyist that they're going to screw and pretend like none of us know what's going on. this [bleep] happens every single week. where are the ethics investigations in that? within the ranks of the united states congress, there's felons galore. there's people with all sorts of scheisty backgrounds, and all of a sudden, george santos is the mary magdalene of united states congress. >> michelle: yes. the mary magdalene of congress! this is just like george santos. "you know which biblical sinner i am? the hot one."

but let's make one thing very clear. if any republican is mary magdalene, it is ron desantis. i mean, what those hooker boots, come on. he's clearly working the streets at night. he's like, "i'll suck ya dick if you teach me how to smile normal." [applause] okay, where was i? oh, yeah. george santos. he's about to be just the sixth person in history to get thrown out of congress. and he thinks it's unfair because everyone else is corrupt too, which -- yeah, definitely! we know the government is corrupt and all these guys are doing the same thing you do. the differences, they're doing it way better than you. it is so easy to figure out your crimes. it's not even fun. it's like doing an escape room and a gazebo. and the thing is, i do believe you, george! i do believe that congressmen are getting drunk, sleeping with

lobbyists, and profiting as much as possible at the expense of the people. we all know that already. what we don't know are the specifics. tell us who, what, where, which orifice. [cheers and applause] we need you, george! snitch, snitch, my sweater-vested friend! in fact, we will make a deal with you right now. you can stay in congress if you are our inside guide. our little congressional tmz. i will even move to your district to vote for you. where is his district? it is long island? i will tell people to move to your district. and just by the way, if you want to survive this expulsion vote, maybe try -- just try to take one photo where you don't look like you were caught while committing a crime. look at this guy. [laughs] he looks like he was rifling

through nancy pelosi's purse while she was in the bathroom. or like he's saying, "don't mind me, just duct taping a knife under this chair for no reason." that's the look i give when someone in a second floor window sees me peeing in an alley. that's the kind of photo they tape up next to the sephora register. this i can't come back. he keeps licking the tester is. but let's move onto the big news out of the 2024 election. >> our 2024 lead -- come on, guys. cue the music. you know i love the election music. ♪ ♪ thank you. that's like elvis costello to me. >> michelle: hold on! come on! come on, tapper! is this really what news is right now? are you trying to be relatable? i don't want relatable. i want reliable! if i want relatable shit, i'll go on tiktok. who gets a guy that's like, "what's up, fam? i'm gonna give you the lowdown on why bin laden is a milf."

let's try again with someone else because this is big news. it looks like some of america's most influential billionaire election modelers have just made a brand-new purchase. >> big news today in the 2024 presidential election. nikki haley picked up the endorsement of the political action network founded by the billionaire koch brothers in the republican primary. the influential group is launching a multimillion dollar ad campaign this week in all early voting states, and this gives the former south carolina governor and u.n. ambassador a major boost less than seven weeks before the iowa caucuses. >> michelle: nikki haley! shattering the glass ceiling of dark money! you go, girl! seriously, this is a big hit for her. with the backing of the koch network, she could go from losing to trump and desantis to just losing to trump! this is like giving someone a step stool to install a lightbulb. i mean, yeah, you are closer,

but you're still gonna need, like, three polish people. what do you want, guys? i got one more day here. [cheers and applause] let's do more jokes to get mad about! and don't get me wrong. i'm glad that grows old billionaire is giving money to a woman and it's not the shit on his chest. that is progress. but nikki haley -- are you picturing it? is it steaming in your mind? it is hot and it is a very cold chest. more? nikki haley, she is literally down 50 points to donald trump. she has less chance of being president than hillary clinton. yeah, i know.

it has sad. should have gone to wisconsin, hillary. it is a direct flight. you could have gone. look, republican voters have been very clear. they want donald trump. and democrat voters have been very not clear, they're just like, "i don't know, man." "do you know a guy?" maybe someone young, some 170, 79. but trump is going to be the republican nominee so it doesn't matter how much money billionaire to spend popping up all other candidates. it's all a waste of money. i almost feel bad for these guys. they're so used to being able to buy the president, and this time, they're sitting on their yacht going, "what's wrong with our money button? it's not working. i think it's stuck. charles, did you cum on the money button again?" did you splooge on the money button again?" can you believe we can say

"splooge"? the crazy thing is, i wish it would work. i wish they could buy the election. listen, in a perfect world, billionaires wouldn't influence elections. but we are clearly not an imperfect world because donald trump is winning. so billionaires, get your act together and buy this election. buy this election! buy this election! buy this election! oh, my gosh. you guys are a bunch. and finally, in business news, buybuy baby's reopening stores again after going bankrupt earlier this year. and when i heard this news, i got very excited, because i heard "buybuy baby was back" and i thought for a second that meant abortion was legal again. [laughter and applause] but unfortunately, it's just a store. so for more on the revival of buybuy baby, let's go live now to grace kuhlenschmidt. [cheers and applause] now, grace, this is great news for young parents.

like me. >> oh, is it? how about you think of someone besides yourself for once in your goddamn life? i don't know. someone with a genius idea of moving into a buybuy baby three months ago and now has nowhere to go? >> michelle: grace, have you been living in an abandoned buybuy baby? >> not initially. at first, i was just hired to come in and clean out the rat traps. but once i got in here, i realized, it's the perfect house! it's close to work, it's spacious, and baby wipes turn are basically the same thing as showering. plus, there's so many squeezey applesauces and mushed carrots, i may never have to chew food again! >> michelle: grace, sweetie, put that down! it's not snack time! >> but i'm hun-gee! and now that the store is coming back, what am i gonna do? >> michelle: i don't know, you could get an apartment, like an adult, who's not a baby. >> in america?

america, the giant carcasses of retail chains that were bled dry by private equity are just going unused. i should get here to live here before the raccoons do. plus, have you seen the housing market? low inventory, sky high-interest rates, and once you move in, there's all kinds of sharp corners and exposed outlets! it's scawy! >> michelle: i'm sorry, grace, but you had to know you couldn't live in a store forever. >> it's not just a house, it's also my income! i have a very successful onlyfans account just from living here. you have no money people idea how many people will pay a woman to do tummy time. this nation has problems. >> michelle: it certainly does. so how are you going to stop buybuy baby from moving back in? >> luckily, if there is one thing that i know, if i shut my eyes, the problem will disappear. >> michelle: grace, you have object permanence! >> no, i don't! no, i don't!

you are wrong, you are wrong! where did you go? where did you go? >> michelle: grace! we are going to talk about this later, grace! grace kuhlenschmidt, everybody. when we come back, we find out the best way to lose all your money. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] ♪ all i do is work ♪ ♪♪ ♪♪

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>> michelle: welcome back to "the daily show." if there's one thing that we americans love, it's going deeper into debt. we'll put anything on the credit card, whether it's the latest iphone we just gotta have, or that new kidney transplant that we really, seriously gotta have. and american banks are happy to lend us money however we want, including one type of loan that you might have seen advertised on tv. >> homeowners in need of cash can take out a special loan called a reverse mortgage. it lets homeowners borrow money against the value of their home and only repay when they die or sell the home. critics argue that reverse mortgages can quickly bury people under debt, forcing them out of their homes and their children out of inheritance, and some lenders have even been fined for deceiving customers. but that hasn't stopped lenders from targeting elderly homeowners with ads featuring celebrities like tom selleck. >> this isn't my first rodeo.

and let me tell you something, i wouldn't be here if i thought reverse mortgages took advantage of any american senior. >> michelle: that's right, a reverse mortgage. you just sign over your house to tom selleck in exchange for money, and something something, everyone wins! it's not a scam. it's not. if it was a scam, why would they advertise it nonstop to elderly people? now, of course, there's always going to be some companies that are going to sell reverse mortgages in bad faith. luckily, there's a new company with a celebrity that you can really trust. >> hi. i am michelle wolf. with anyone walking down a country road, i'm here to sell you a reverse mortgage. >> it is time to consider a reverse mortgage. >> most people think reverse mortgages are a financial scam to trick people out of their homes. with agg, our homes are different. agg gives you legal ownership of a horse. most reverse mortgages and with

you losing your house. or dying and losing your house or dying and losing your house and settling your kids with debt. public reverse mortgages, you will not have time to worry about any of that. because he will also have a horse. a full grown, often problematic chorus. i'm talking emotional issues, severe dietary restrictions. some of them literally wanted for crimes. you will be spending so much time on the horse, you won't even notice all the debt you take on. when you die -- most likely because the horse killed you -- you will be your kids will be left with all that debt. don't worry, you'll also be left with the debt. thanks to agg's policies, you won't be able to sell or kill the horse. they will be so mad at you, they won't even be sad you are gone. that is why a reverse mortgage horse isn't just great for your anxiety. it is a gift to your children. i am not doing this commercial because i need the money. i'm doing it because i want the money. you can trust us. we are a bank. when have we ever let you down? i know what you are thinking. any answer is yes.

you are going to see a lot of horse penis. >> if you are 62 and older and have no financial or horse knowledge, call a agg today. reverse mortgage horse. it is just as bad as a reverse mortgage, but with a horse. don't forget to ask about our home equity beavers. [cheers and applause] >> michelle: when we come back, mehdi hasan will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] the first time you connected your godaddy website and your store was also the first time you realized... well, we can do anything. cheesecake cookies? the chookie!

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>> michelle: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight hosts "the mehdi hasan show" on msnbc, he's the author of "the new york times" bestselling "win every argument." please welcome mehdi hasan! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ mehdi, it is great to have you here. thanks for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> michelle: great, great. your book, "win every argument." is this the perfect gift to give to one person in a couple? >> i am an author. >> michelle: [laughs] >> i am here to plug a book. i want every one of the audience to buy the book. i want everyone at home to buy the book but i beg you not to buy the book for your partner or to use on your partner. it is a disclaimer i have at the very start of the book.

i can barely win an argument with my wife. i argue for a living. it has been a long time since i've won an argument at home. this book, it is for everyone everywhere except couples. >> michelle: okay. i am still going to get it for me. [laughs] obviously, there is a lot of debate, a lot of discussion on -- it is a tense time in the world. and in particular, there's been a lot of censorship around the palestinian voices and people who are even pushing against what israel's actions in gaza. you know, real censorship, too. on meta platforms, being prohibited from saying anything, i don't know, satirical news programs. so how are you supposed to argue or debate or even advocate for a people if you are not allowed to speak on it? >> it's a great question. one of the reasons i wrote the book was because we have not just a lot of censorship right now in the world, in our societies, in the press, but

of course, foreign conflicts, domestic politics. we have a former president who threatens the network i work for, threatens the free press every day. i think, on the conflict you mentioned, i am someone who has a show on television. sometimes i'm on social media saying, what about the media? i'm like, i am the media. maybe i can do something different. i do a show on msnbc, i do a show on peacock. and my thing is, i will try to platform as many voices as possible. so on my show, we have israeli government officials. we have on people who lost people to hamas on october 7th in that horrific attack. we have had ordinary palestinians from on the ground in gaza. and my worry is that we rightly as a media humanize those victims of a conflict on october the 7th, as we should because what happened on october the 7th is horrific. but we don't always, as a media, especially in united states and the west, also humanize the palestinian people. i try to get people from all walks of life. palestinian analysts, journalists, doctors, real people. i think if you dehumanize any people -- we see that in america right now. rising anti-semitism, rising

islamophobia. if you dehumanize a people, you end up with what happened in vermont over the weekend. three young men of palestinian descent shot in what is being looked as a possible hate crime. a 6-year-old boy, stabbed to death 26 times in front of his mother in what is being charged as a hate crime. dehumanization is a thing we all have to avoid. even in the most toughest and heated of debates. >> michelle: yeah, because obviously we are all people. it is important -- >> not obvious to everyone, sadly. >> michelle: you are correct. sadly, it's not obvious. i want to talk a little bit more about what is going on in the middle east. one of the things i've been wondering about, if leaders of hamas are in the four seasons in qatar, and israel wants to rid the world of hamas -- and as much as i love a four seasons -- why the constant bombardment of gaza and why not go to them? >> [laughs] i have to say, i don't know

if you saw the four seasons that put out a tweet saying, "we have no guests here who are part of hamas." look, twitter has very few roles left under elon musk but preventing a prominent hotel chain from getting droned is a pretty good use of twitter. >> michelle: [laughs] >> i don't think there are military solutions to political problems. i am someone who covered afghanistan for 20 years when we went in with righteous rage. the victims of horrific crime. we did not think about what is going to happen the day after. we didn't think about, what is a long-term plan. we didn't think of people will welcome us. 20 years later, we left with our tail between our legs, loads of people dead and the taliban still run afghanistan. let's be careful before we decide that the solution is that we can drop a bomb or fire a bullet. this is a political problem. it's a problem of occupation. it's a problem of injustice. it's a problem that goes back decades. you cannot resolve it with dropping 6,000 pounds of bombs or whatever it is in the space of a few weeks. i just want to say one important point on this, people, in times

like this, we get into our teams, we take up sides. everyone is in a polarized moment arguing. at a time like this, the number one bias we should have is not political or religious. it should be humanitarian. it should be human. [applause] what is happening at gaza right now -- i don't care if whether you're muslim, christian, jewish, whatever. the u.n. is saying it's the most dangerous place in the world to be a child. the pope is calling it terrorism. his word, not my word. i don't know if he is going to get canceled for that. he probably will be in the next "scream" movie. it is really, really bad. >> michelle: i don't know, with a hat like that. >> maybe. maybe. giving them ideas. it is so bad right now. people are talking about the brink of famine, dysentery, disease. countless deaths. let us first be biased as human beings before we are biased as israelis, palestinians, muslims, jews, christians, americans. to me, that is it. [applause] >> michelle: i 100% agree. i think this is the moment to be

completely human and realize that we should be able to talk with our mouths instead of bombing with our bombs. >> and if you need a book to help you talk with your mouth... [cheers and applause] >> michelle: "win every argument." >> [laughs] i am shameless. >> michelle: no one is going to sell it but you. >> no married couples. >> michelle: "win every argument" is available now. "the mehdhi hasan show" airs sundays on msnbc. we will take a quick break but we will be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ hi, i'm ron reagan, an unabashed atheist. and i'm alarmed, as you may be, by the intrusions of religion into our secular government.

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the moses west foundation. these cutti cutting-edge technoy provide a central water access to all. if you can, please donate at the link below. now here it is. your "moment of zen." >> what do you make of four kevin mccarthy having to go down to an ailing donald trump, who he said was in bed, depressed, and not eating? so his kevin had to go down with a bucket of kentucky fried chicken? at mar-a-lago? what the hell, kevin? >> they are really worried, >> they are really worried, trump is not eating, said captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪