jim." nice. what are you doing? shh. don't be scared. [machine whines] it works. [laughs] [machine whining] oh, no. [machine whining] captioning by courtney at captionmax www.captionmax.com >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america... it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, michelle wolf! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> michelle: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm michelle wolf. it's my final night of the show. [audience reacts sadly] yeah, no more show for me. and i just wanna say, you were a worthy adversary, linda from hr. touchy, touchy! we've got a great show for you tonight. so let's get into the headlines! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ let's kick things off with elon musk, the guy who's having an apartheid with his own face. he's been on a non-apology apology tour following the fallout from his antisemitic tweets. and like a tesla, it's blowing up in his face. >> elon musk, the world's wealthiest man, has a message for companies who don't want to advertise on x, and i can't repeat it on morning television or else this will be my last day. >> what this advertising boycott is going to do, it's going to kill the company.

>> and you think that -- >> and the whole world will know that those advertisers killed the company. if somebody's going to try to blackmail me with advertising? blackmail me with money? go [bleep] yourself. >> but -- >> go [bleep] yourself. is that clear? i hope it is. >> michelle: oh, it's clear. it's clear that elon has accomplished something incredible: he's made people root for advertisers. that's crazy! anyone could build an electric car, but only a true genius could lose a coolness battle to mucinex. you are not a victim, elon. it is not blackmailed to advertise on twitter. they don't want anything from you, they just don't like you!

and you should be used to this by now. if you don't donate money to the kkk, the kkk isn't like, "ah, so it's blackmail, is it?" no, it's not, you just suck! also, blackmail is the kkk's least favorite type of mail. [laughs] do you know why i feel so bad for elon, s either of us could feel. this guy swears it so badly he doesn't want to be liked but it is so obvious to everyone that he really wants to be liked. he wants to be liked so badly, he bought a company that is all about likes. he is the poster child for money doesn't buy happiness. you can see it in his recently purchased face. and his jacket from burlington divorce factory. let's move on to some major international news. france has just decided to ban smoking on beaches, in forests, and near schools.

seriously, france, what are you doing to your people here? they are having a tough year as it is. first, they raise the retirement age all the way 32. now they're not allowed to light up a firestick in a forest? come on. what's next? no more mimes in boxes? no more being racist to muslims? no more bringing a baguette home to your son and him going, "bonjour, papa!" will it even be france anymore? shout out. you can't get sad about that! come on, guys! we are having a celebration h here! these french jokes were brought to you by: stereotypes. stereotypes. they're usually true! huh-huh! [cheers and applause]

all right, let's move on to some sad news. you know, it's never easy when someone dies. although, when that person has made so many other people die, it kinda takes the sting out of it. >> breaking overnight, former secretary of state henry kissinger passes away. his influence profound, yet controversial, guiding presidents through vietnam, the cold war, and 9/11. >> some called him a war criminal for his role in bombing cambodia, and widening the war in vietnam. >> cambodia. 40,000 people. that was carpet bombing. >> kissinger encouraged the argentina dirty war in 1976, was the architect behind the illegal and murderous bombings of cambodia and laos, supported augusto pinochet's brutal military coup in chile, and turned a blind eye to alleged genocide in bangladesh. >> michelle: and ladies, please remember, all those things are red flags! but yes, henry kissinger is dead. which just goes to show that if

have zero morals, you will lead a long, stress-free life. he committed massacres and lived to be 100! while the rest of us over here are dying at 47 because we can't stop stressing over the time we waved to a person who is actually waving to somebody behind us. [applause] but look, no matter how you feel about henry kissinger, ya gotta agree that he is one of america's greatest war criminals. the question is: is he america's greatest war criminal? so, to have that debate, let's turn to ronny chieng and michael kosta. [cheers and applause] thank you, guys. what do you think? >> oh, there's no question, michelle. henry kissinger is the goat of war criminals. you know the last few weeks in high school where you skim 40 years of terrible american history in, like, two days?

that's all him, baby. vietnam, cambodia, chile. shall i continue? pakistan, east timor. this dude was doing massacres in countries that americans didn't even know were countries! he was putting them on the map, and then carpet bombing them off the map. he's like a genocidal carmen sandiego. >> can i get a chance to hack over here? ronny, you are clowning yourself. sure, kissinger is in the conversation, but this debate starts and ends with dick cheney. his prime years were fire. afghanistan, iraq, guantanamo. the man shot his friend in the face. and it was one of the nicest things he's ever done! >> michelle: that's a good point. ronny, maybe this is a tie. >> to quote a great man, go [bleep] yourself, michael! sure, dick cheney lied about wmds, but my boy kissinger was using wmds. plus, he was in the game for over 60 years! dick cheney had, what, five good

seasons? maybe? >> exactly! kissinger stayed in the game to juice his stats. when you look at the season splits, cheney's numbers were better. not to mention, kissinger came in after vietnam started! he was chasing wars the way durant chases rings. anyone can just join a super team. but cheney built his wars from the ground up! he carried george w. bush on his back! also, how can kissinger be the war crimes go it when he won the nobel peace prize, you [bleep] idiot? >> that's what makes him the goat, you [bleep] moron. do you know how good a war criminal you have to be to win a peace prize for wars you escalated? the dude has got the numbers and the hardware. count the rings, bitch. >> michelle: okay, okay. let me throw this out to you guys. andrew jackson? >> that's a good point, good point. >> he did the numbers.

>> look, michelle, you do have to adjust for that era. but credit where credit is due. he was massacring people back when you had to do it with muskets and carrier pigeons. we'll never know what kind of records he could've set if he had had drones and google maps. >> look, we can throw around hypotheticals all day, but the bottom line is, andrew jackson wasn't an international player the way kissinger was. jackson only put up decent numbers at home. he wasn't strong on the road. >> ronny, just because you speak loudly doesn't make it more true, all right? look, look. i think we can all agree, no matter who the goat is, what is important to remember is, kissinger's passing really puts things into perspective. listen, everyone, if there's a war criminal in your life, tell them how you feel about them now. because you never know when they're going to unexpectedly die of being 100 years old. >> michelle: i couldn't agree more. michael kosta and ronny chieng, everyone! [cheers and applause]

when we come back, we'll talk about things that have been falling out of my vagina. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] the first time you made a sale online with godaddy was also the first time you heard of a town named dinosaur, colorado. we just got an order from dinosaur, colorado. start an easy to build, powerful website for free with a partner that always puts you first. start for free at godaddy.com

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let's talk about childbirth. it's hopefully the last time you touch your mom's vagina. and i learned about childbirth first-hand because i recently had a baby. [cheers and applause] i don't know, she was just here, i don't know. you can't have it all, can you? now, i chose to have a home birth, because i wanted to ruin my couch. and it turns out i was pretty lucky, because whenever i talk to women who gave birth in hospitals, it's almost always a horror story. "the labor was painful, the doctors were rude, the nurse pooped on the table and blamed it on me." but there's a reason why hospital childbirth leads to all these horror stories. and it's something i want to talk about, so lay back and put your feet in the stirrups for tonight's "long story short." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] childbirth is the is the number one reason why people go to the hospital in the u.s. it sends more americans to the

hospital than allergic reactions and "i don't know how this got stuck up my butt". that is a light bulb, just you know. and every year, the health care system makes $50 billion from childbirth. and yeah, half of that is just from nick cannon. but it is still a booming industry. why is childbirth so expensive? because, like everything in america, health care is a business and hospitals look at our uterus like it is an atm. >> delivering moms are increasingly being charged sky-high prices for absolutely every service they're supplied provided to them and the baby. >> and those bills aren't just high. in many cases, they're bloated. >> every time you walk into the hospital, they look at everything that happens to you and say, can i bill for that? it's because they can. they can charge more. nobody is asking questions. and so they do and they get away with it. >> dr. marguerite duane delivered naturally just 12 minutes after arriving at the hospital and only stayed one night. >> i noticed i had been charged

for two hospital nights. i was charged for medications i didn't receive, such as oxytocin. $958 for his nursery stay. >> and he didn't spend one minute in the nursery? >> and he didn't spend one minute in the nursery. >> one woman says she was charged "$400 for motrin and a stool softener." >> michelle: $400 for a stool softener? what is this, a hotel minibar? if you don't have stool softener in your hotel minibar, you gotta go to a better hotel. and all that money doesn't even equal better care. like i said, health care is a business. and a business wants to be efficient. but childbirth isn't efficient. labor could happen at any moment, or it could take over 18 hours. it's kinda like orgasms. is this gonna be a quickie, or is someone leaving here with carpal tunnel? nobody knows! childbirth is messy and unique and complicated. and it needs the mother to walk around and stretch and bounce on a yoga ball and

go to the bathroom because maybe you are going to take a dump or maybe that is where you're going to have the baby. i'm serious! that happens a lot and it's beautiful! but the hospital would rather have us laying down with sensors attached to our bodies, because it's more efficient to monitor all of us at once from a computer screen, even though screens should be for raising our children, not birthing them. so here's what happens. now you are lying in a bed and your labor slows down so the hospital speeds up the process by pressuring us to take drugs that induce labor, even though these drugs increase the pain of childbirth and can affect the baby's heart rate. so that is adjusted in an they jam a needle of fentanyl into your spine to numb your lower body. but now you can't feel your body, which means you can't help push through contractions, and now you're slowing labor down again and your baby's heartbeat is going up and down. just like a little rave inside your uterus. and the doctors come in saying, "you're not progressing enough, the baby's heartbeat is erratic! all the shit we made you do has made everything worse! why'd you make us do that shit to you?" and that brings us to the biggest medical intervention of all: c-sections.

americans have them at and alarmingly high rate and it doesn't always have to do with the health of the mother or the baby. >> an alarming number, 1 in 3 women giving birth in america today having a c-section. but too often, c-sections are not needed. >> sometimes, doctors or hospitals may rush a c-section simply because they think labor has gone on long enough or because the maternity ward is especially busy. >> another reason for the major increase? just for the sake of convenience. >> doctors are rushed, i mean, when someone is giving birth vaginally, that can take a long time. they're in labor. it can take days. c-section, very quick. you're in and you're out. c-sections are a major surgery and they carry all the risks of surgeries. >> you have a c-section in 2018, you have a 90% chance of having a c-section the second time. but the second time, it's a more complicated surgery. and the third time, it can be like operating on a melted box of crayons. >> michelle: "melted box of crayons?" jesus! what happens the fourth time?

"we don't even need to do the surgery, it just pops out like alien!" and c-sections aren't just risky for the mother. they are risky for the baby. children born via c-section are four times more likely to develop breathing problems. if my kid is gonna have trouble breathing, i want it to be because i raised a douchebag who vapes. is that cotton candy? there has gotta be a better way to do this. and thankfully, there is! and it's not some new fangled, silicon valley birthing pod. it's one of the oldest childbirth technologies there is: midwives. a midwife is a clinician who helps you with birth either inside or outside of a hospital, and for women with uncomplicated pregnancies, midwives are a great idea! mostly because they don't do unnecessary interventions, and autonomy. can you imagine that? woman having autonomy? not in my america. let's go, brandon.

in fact, midwives used to be the norm and delivery until they got pushed out in favor of male doctors. >> in the early 1900s, physicians went on a very effective smear campaign against midwives. they would make posters showing a black granny midwife in a very poor home delivering a baby and say, "would you want this kind of person to deliver your baby?" >> joseph delee of chicago, the called midwives, relics of barbarism. >> to me, it appears brutal, midwifery, not obstetrics. it is not the forceps, but it is the man behind the forceps that counts. >> michelle: "the man behind the forceps is what counts." no, you idiot. we don't need you, your forceps, your racism, or that we are landing strip goatee you got going on. that is really the point i want to make here. the hospital doesn't just emphasize efficiency and speed over the mother's health and comfort, it emphasizes the doctor's role over the mother's. particularly when obstetrics was being created by men. and it's such a male thing to

think that pulling the baby out is the entirety of labor, when all mothers know that's the easiest part of the whole thing! it's like pulling a piece of toast out of the toaster, and saying, "i'm the toaster!" so long story short, for women thinking about having a child, know and understand what your options are, and that this is your birth, not the hospital's, not the doctor's. look, i don't get me wrong. there are pregnancies that need medical interventions. but when the hospital needs don't align with yours, remember, you have choices. just because you're in a hospital doesn't mean you're sick. childbirth isn't a disease. it's powerful and natural, and we should give women the chance to experience that. and as a side benefit, it will free up all the hospital to figure out how this got up at my butts. [cheers and applause] when we come back, i'll talk to an expert on childbirth, dr. stuart fischbein. so don't go away.

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[cheers and applause] >> michelle: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a community-based practicing obstetrician and advocate for the midwifery model of care and human rights in childbirth. he also co-hosts the "birthing instincts" podcast, and teaches seminars on breech and twin vaginal birth around the globe. please welcome dr. stuart fischbein! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

dr. stu, it's so great to have you here. >> it's an honor to be here. and i just have to say, that last segment, you covered so much that's so true. and i, as a male physician, feel a little embarrassed. [laughter] but i walk in the footsteps of all the midwives that came before me and taught me what i didn't necessarily learn in residency. >> michelle: see, look, men can give credit to women. it's great. [laughs] [applause] thank you, thank you. you have been in this field for so long. why do you think there is so much fear around childbirth? >> because fear is the strongest emotion that you can control people with. and i think that the reason that we have so much fear in the western medical world is because the people that are practicing, the doctors, are taught to fear birth.

the medical model sees birth as a problem. the midwifery model sees birth as a normal function of a woman's body, they trust that nature has a design, and every time you intervene in that design, you will cause some ripple effect downstream. whether immediate or later. >> michelle: some disruption. it is interesting. i think we forget that we are animals, because -- particularly in birth, in my case, it was the most animal you feel. i wish more women knew that this was an option even because a lot of women, they would never even -- it has become -- it feels like people are like, this alternative, woo-woo, oh, you're very odd, you had a home birth. i don't know. maybe i am lazy. [laughs] >> no, i mean people will often -- this is an interesting thing. when we talk on the podcast, we talk about the c-section rate being too high or epidural rate being too high. we will get letters or direct messages or whatever that tell us that we are shaming somebody. we are not shaming anybody.

but they are starting to project a little bit of their own guilt on the fact that maybe things didn't go the way they wanted to. all we want to do is let people know that they have these choices and these options. and that is not something you are gtting in the medical model. maybe 15% of women need medicalized, hospital-based care. the other 85%, if the hospitals would leave them alone, can do it without much intervention at all. the problem is that hospitals won't make money doing nothing. they make money doing something. they don't know how to leave a patient alone. they just don't know how to do it. calling them patients, i just made an error. we call the clients in our world because they are not sick. it is like breathing or digestion. these are all natural functions that nature has designed. again, i want to reiterate, every time you intervene in mother nature's design, there is going to be consequences. even -- my cohost likes to say, even if when you walk in the room, when a woman is in labor and you quietly ask them, can i

get you anything or how you are doing, you are bringing them out of their primitive brain into their cognitive brain and you are slowing down the labor process. >> michelle: it would be nice if we could believe, you know, women can do it. [laughs] [applause] thank you for doing the work that you do. i really appreciate it. be sure to check out dr. stu's "birthing instincts" podcast. we will take a quick break but we will be right back after this. thank you so much! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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[cheers and applause] 's >> michelle: that's our show for tonight, and my time as guest host! but if you want to catch me, check out my latest stand-up series on netflix, "it's great to be here." and stay tuned next week, when your host is charlamagne tha god. now, here it is. your "moment of zen." >> and the only reason i am here is because you are a friend, like, what was my speaking fee? >> you are not making any -- >> first of all, i manager. >> sorry. >> it's okay. second of all, we've known each other for a long time. >> yes. >> yes. [l captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪