deangelo? tefle. oh my god. are you all right? my god. erin, will you call 9-1-1 please? ok. who should i say is calling? erin. chea three. thead twa to bar. [gibberish] paunch and loud. paunch says to bartender. how's gonna da? barte says to him four tha pa. everybody tha, everybody tha, everybody tha. draw shweb. yes. draw shweb. drive safe. yeah. i get it. [sneeze] - [babble] - ok. we're going to work on walk out to a shweb. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america... it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, kal penn! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] >> kal: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm kal penn. it feels good to be back behind the desk! [cheers and applause] thank you, thank you! thank you! you know what they say about sequels. they are always better. don't fact-check that. all right. we got a great show for you tonight. zoya akhtar will be here! [cheers and applause] let's get into the headlines! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ let's kick things off with the insane sports news from this weekend. the l.a. dodgers have signed superstar shohei ohtani to the biggest contract and all of sports history, $700 million. [cheers and applause] wow, right? that is $1 for every minute it

takes to take watch one single baseball game. let me just say, it is so great that asian kids have another athlete to look up to. am i right? but let's acknowledge, it is also a lot of pressure. "dad, i got 100 of my chemistry test." "but only 80 on your fastball." go outside and practice!" but as crazy as this is, there was another sports story that might be even more shocking. >> buffalo bills head coach sean mcdermott is addressing old comments about the 9/11 terrorists being a model for teamwork. they were brought to light by an independent journalist. the report said, at a team meeting in 2019, quote, "he cited the hijackers as a group of people who were all able to get on the same page to orchestrate attacks to perfection." >> mcdermott says now that he never should have mentioned the hijackers. he says his original intent was to use the attacks to encourage the team because the events were so easily recognizable. >> kal: i think this football

coach may have taken the wrong lesson from 9/11. like, when we said never forget, we didn't mean al qaeda's teamwork. although coming to be fair, this is not something you ever expect to hear from a football team. maybe a scumbag football team like the eagles but not a respectable franchise like the bills. although, if we are giving coach mcdermott the benefit of the doubt, he didn't give the most inappropriate pep talk ever seen. huddle up, everyone, huddle up. in the second half, we're going to get out there, we are going to completely knock them out like bill cosby. seriously, i want you to go out there and end them like o.j. ended his marriage. our offense is gonna be like mass shootings in america! they'll give up on even trying to stop us! on three! clear eyes. full hearts. epstein didn't do it! [cheers and applause] let's move on to the war in

ukraine. i know. it's crazy that it didn't end even though you stopped paying attention. but the money the u.s. is sending ukraine for the war is about to end, which is why the president of ukraine is coming back to see if there's any more cash lying around. >> president zelenskyy will make another trip to the u.s. this week, as congress and the white house are at odds over funding the war-torn country. but here's the problem. congress seems to be at a stalemate over sending much-needed aid to this country. with just a few days left before the the hill wraps up for the year, democrats hope to pass a bill that would provide funding for both ukraine and israel. but republicans refuse to sign off on it because it does not include their proposals to enhance border security and stem migration. >> we're obviously deeply concerned about this. we've got a few more weeks here and then we're out of schlitz. >> kal: "we're out of schlitz?"

you're describing or funding with an old beer slogan? i'm surprised he didn't go with, "come on, congress, wazzup?" but yes, yes, military aid to ukraine and israel is being held up until republicans can also get the immigration reforms they want. and yeah, i know, looks, the border is a problem, but it didn't help the democrats' case when president zelenskyy showed up by walking in through mexico. the crazy thing is, many republicans in congress actually agree on the funding. so you would think they would chose to vote for it and move on to other important issues, like, y'all, why are you stopping ukraine from getting weapons when you could be stopping women from getting abortions? eyes on the prize, republicans. come on! that was one of the less popular one tonight. i see it. but look, let's move on from congress to set a major news about hunter biden, seen here thinking about hookers.

no presidential family member in recent memory comes with as much baggies -- i mean baggage -- as hunter. and now the law has finally caught up with him. >> breaking news overnight: hunter biden, son of the president of the united states, now indicted on nine counts related to his taxes. >> the nine count indictment: six misdemeanors and three felony charges accusing hunter biden of failing to pay $1.4 million in taxes from 2016 to 2019. special counsel david weiss insisting that during that time, biden was living an extravagant lifestyle, spending on drugs, escorts and girlfriends, luxury hotels, rental properties, exotic cars, clothing. in short, everything but his taxes. biden allegedly shelling out more than $600,000 on various women, another $397,000 on clothes and more than $187,000 on adult entertainment.

>> in 2018 alone, he spent $43,000 here at the chateau marmont, where he admits in his memoir, he partied so hard, hotel management kicked him out. special counsel david weiss says hunter tried to write off his wild spending as tax deductions, claiming a $10,000 fee for a sex club was a golf club membership and a $1,500 venmo payment to a stripper was a payment for artwork. >> kal: wow. all right, claiming a stripper as artwork is, like, the nicest compliment ever to that stripper. she's like, "am i turning you on?" and he's like, "actually... you're making me reflect on the interconnectedness of light and darkness. now i shall slip a 20 between them titties." hunter biden spent millions of dollars on drugs and acts

instead of paying his taxes and it is shocking to think of the presidential race might come down to who goes to jail first. hunter biden or donald trump. although, maybe if we are lucky, the two of them might end up in a cell together? you throw george santos in there, and i am watching that show. seriously, though, i feel bad for joe biden. people say he needs to reign hunter in but how? his old-time vocabulary doesn't even cover this kind of stuff. "son, i heard you've been smoking the jelly beans. watching the hanky-panky reels. paying birds to shake their fannies. we're almost out of schlitz." for more on the hunter biden indictment and its consequences for 2024, let's turn to michael kosta. [cheers and applause] michael, i know this story gets complicated with all the tax issues. what are the applications for 2024? >> welcome a kal, as someone

whose accountant is currently in prison for murder, i can tell you, hunter's situation is devastating. i don't think the republicans are going to survive this. >> kal: republicans? you mean democrats. >> no, i mean republicans. on the one hand, yes, these charges paint a picture of a deeply troubled, but on the other hand, these charges also paint a picture of a man who is -- and i can't stress this enough -- so [bleep] cool. >> kal: cool? what is cool about this? >> oh, great question. um, everything! the two-week benders. the sex clubs. he's like a one-man episode of "entourage"! the coolest show. the guy even got kicked out of hotels for partying too hard, which is way cooler than getting kicked out for crying too hard. see if i ever stay at that best western again. >> kal: i'm sorry, michael, but i disagree. it's not cool to spend a million dollars on drug-fueled sex parties and then try to get the irs to pay for it --

you know what, actually, as i'm saying it, it does sound pretty cool. >> right? right? and that's going to be the republican party's big problem. if voters start to think of joe as the kind of guy who can snowplow coke with hunter and the champagne room, that destroys the republican narrative. he is not sleepy joe. he is wide-eyed, energetic joe. yet, with a bunch of crazy ideas. most of them are about a train that can go to mars, but he is engaged! and that is what america wants. >> kal: i don't know, man. i don't know if people will vote for joe biden just because they think his son is cool. >> first of all, kal. i didn't say his son is cool. i said his son is [bleep] cool, which he is. aligns with the republicans don't get. hunter has lambros, porn, sweet clothes. what has trump got? golf cart, high cholesterol, indictments? indictments about documents?

boring! good luck in the election, nerd! >> kal: hang on. hunter isn't even the person running against trump. >> that's right, which is why i agree with you, kal, that he should be. people always say they like biden, but they wish you were younger. well, you got your wish, democrats. hunter biden, 2024. you don't even have to change the signs! >> kal: that sound so [bleep] cool! >> i told you! [cheers and applause] >> kal: michael kosta, everybody? when we come back, we will find when we come back, we will find out why the nutcracker is gay

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(♪♪) (♪♪) (♪♪) [cheers and applause] >> kal: welcome back to "the daily show." christmas is around the corner, but this year, there's a bigger threat to the holiday than it's ever faced before. grace kuhlenschmidt has the report. ♪ ♪ >> we all know there is a war on christmas. but this year, the happiest season is facing another threat. christmas is turning gay. >> gay nutcracker, complete with a rainbow hat and trans flag. why do you think target is selling this type of merge? >> the gay nutcracker?

it doesn't make sense. why do they keep pushing this? who are there trying to appeal? >> gay nutcracker has gone too far. >> i hit the streets to warn the terror of what has coming this season. people might have to bust their own knots. >> i will tell you something and i want you to try not to lose your shit, okay? >> it is the nutcracker? >> it is the choice in clothing that is a little suspect. >> you lost your shit. >> it is progressive. >> sort of terrifying that so many people are frightened by a little wooden toy. >> the gay nutcracker. >> you are saying that looking at this, you haven't turned gay? >> not immediately. >> the gay nutcracker is better than the straight one. >> would you say this nutcracker is born this way by lady gaga? >> i couldn't answer that. >> that is a hard question. >> it is crazy they are doing this, right? they are taking this manly christmas icon, who puts nuts

and its mouth, typically dancing with sugarplum fairies, and they are making this gay? >> i've never associated the nutcracker with manliness. >> no, totally. >> is a traditionally a family thing? >> christmas has never been gay at all. it's a beautiful straight couple, a virgin at her husband who have never had acts and he is remarkably chill when she gets pregnant. >> illegal immigrants, did you forget that part? >> i did forget this part. thank you. you can't tell me that they are not sexualizing christmas. >> may be. also, christmas is full of sparkle. >> christmas is full of sparkle. oh, my god. >> however i been so blind? it is the queeriest holiday of all. how did i not see this? the twinkling lights, tinsel, working with elves? christmas is so gay. >> it is amazing. >> mrs. claus is having an affair with another woman, isn't she? >> yes. >> do you see a theme here? christmas is gay! >> i don't think christmas is

gay. >> can you help me remember some of these great lyrics for these holiday songs? >> okay. >> have yourself a merry little christmas, make the yuletide... >> have fun... >> make the yuletide... >> gay. >> christmas has always been gay! and so has the yuletide! someone need to tell the yuletide's family! >> donnelly now our... >> gay apparel. >> been there the whole time. >> maybe the problem isn't that this isn't gay but that it's not enough representation. so i made something. it is a lesbian nutcracker. i designate it header on the softball team. it even comes complete with a u-haul. also got a carabiner to be your keys. >> i love it. >> how much would you buy it for? >> easily $99.99, for sure.

>> sold! to the man next to me. 20, 40, 60, 80, $100. don we now our gay apparel. >> now that i've made the perfect lesbian nutcracker, there should be a nutcracker for everyone. even for those who want the yuletide straight. >> if you could make this nutcracker less outlandishly gay, what would you do? >> you know, getting bruce with the boys. >> so beer. maybe a chest tattoo that said "i heart pussy." >> that is ridiculous but i have seen it a lot. >> may be wearing all black? >> definitely. >> i took a survey. so this is going to be straight nutcracker, and of course, it comes complete with a draft beer from and i mug, and then tattoo that says "i heart pussy." >> yet. but how exactly do these crack nuts? >> i'm very glad you asked. let me demonstrate.

basically, you will need two, and they go total butt to butt mode. they can also go into crotch mode. and look at that. a perfectly cracked nut. oh, my god. i just turned gay. wishing you all the gayest of holidays. may you proudly smash nuts with any nutcracker of your choosing. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> kal: thank you, grace. when we come back, zoya akhtar will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] why get someone one big gift, when you could get them a bunch of mini gifts?

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>> kal: hey, welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a filmmaker and screenwriter who directed and cowrote "the archies" on netflix. >> the next number is... va-va-voom. i didn't write that. >> i know. >> good evening, everyone. on a night dedicated to sir john riverdale, i'm going to perform a song i wrote for a very special girl in my life. so let's hear it and let's move it for "the archies"! >> kal: please welcome zoya akhtar! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] hello! welcome! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> wow. wow. >> kal: it's a lot of woo-ing. >> yeah. >> kal: and i know why. you are one of the top five, if

not the top director coming out of india right now, which is no small feat, given how much incredible talent there is between bollywood and streaming platforms, and independent cinema. a resume as diverse as yours, i'm curious what drew you to an adaptation of a comic like "the archies." >> netflix offered it to me. [laughter] >> kal: good reason. pretty baller response, by the way. [cheers and applause] that's great. [laughter] >> i grew up, i mean, it is crazy that something so fundamentally american was also fundamentally a part of an urban indian kid's childhood. and i grew up in the '80s, and india wasn't liberalized at the time so we didn't have access to as much stuff as we do today. and "archie" was one of the few things that everybody read, and it was our portal to this country. so everybody -- it was -- we were eight and ten, and we

just wanted this teenage life in this fictional place called riverdale, and everybody grew up thinking that is america. obviously, then we grew up and realized that is not america. [laughs] but when it came to me, it was also at a time when i thought that it would be nice to do something like a return to innocence, you know, and it was kind of beautiful that it came to india because it was so special, and they want to the industry and they needed to make it for the world. and yeah, i just couldn't say no. it was also like something to go back to, a less is more time. yeah. >> kal: it is a beautiful film. i highly recommend it. >> thank you. >> kal: one of my favorite scenes was between dilton and reggie. it is this very special scene about friendship -- i don't want to ruin the whole thing. but dilton's character is sort of scared to come out to his friends, and the friendship with reggie is codified. i guess, two questions for you on that. what made you want to write a scene like that, and part of the reason i ask that, my partner josh and i have been tracking the indian supreme court decision, obviously very disappointed by the marriage

equality decision. you know, why and how do you infuse these inclusive stories in india right now? >> stories are very important. india has a very, very vibrant lgbt community, and 2018, homosexuality was decriminalized. there has been so much change, and real, positive change with that. it will keep evolving. and part of that evolution is storytelling. and filmmaking. and somewhere, i feel, it is not just like, we are representing something, but you are putting people -- you are taking someone and putting them in someone else's shoes, you know? you are humanizing the other. you are just making people come closer. a story stays longer. i don't know, they just move you. and shift you. and i think i am lucky to be a part of that community that can affect some kind of evolution or change and represent and be there, you know, say how i feel.

[cheers and applause] how sweet is this audience? >> kal: they are very sweet. but also, that inclusivity is obviously noticed and people love it, especially when it is such a great form of -- included in such a great form of storytelling. last couple of questions, because i'm a huge bollywood fan, like you are. you've worked in all these different mediums, like, top three favorite people you would want to work with again? >> again? >> kal: i guess for the first time. >> let me just say again. i think, i will take the actors i have worked with. [cheers and applause] for sure. i'm dying to work with him again. farhan. i haven't worked with him. >> i want to put three of them in a movie. >> kal: could you do four? i'm available. >> kal: would you? this is just strictly for my paycheck. would you do a bollywood adaptation of "harold and kumar"?

>> i would love to. >> kal: you would love to? let's to make that happen! that would be really fun. >> it would be huge. >> kal: i meant it as a half-joke but if we are serious, we should talk backstage. >> we could. >> kal: i am down for this! [cheers and applause] "the archies" is streaming worldwide on netflix. zoya akhtar, everybody! we are going to take a quick break. we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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[cheers and applause] >> kal: that's our show for tonight but before we go, please consider supporting rainbow railroad. they help at risk lgbtqia+ people who face violence and depression to safety. if you can, doing at the link below. now here it is, you are "moment of zen." >> i went on to that stage a few days later, and a general who was a fantastic general actually said to me, sir, i have been on the battlefield and men have gone down in my left and right. i have stood on hills with soldiers who were killed and i believe the bravest thing i have ever seen was the night he went on to that stage hillary clinton after what happened and then that woman ask you the first question about it and i said, ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪