i wouldn't even call them friends. they come over here, eat my pie, dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen. god, i'm going to have to work with them forever, aren't i? just take it easy. nice and easy. aw! classic, right? [grunts] ooh! i'm all right. - you all right? - yeah. skinned knee. yep. ah. aw. ooh, a little ice on that, maybe. yeah. that does not feel good. ok. my serve. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america... it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, kal penn! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> kal: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm kal penn. i'm back again! [cheers and applause] and yo, what a day it's been for new york! the knicks and the giants won! and i only saw one dude masturbating on the subway! so we did it, new york! but we've got a great show for you tonight. so let's get into headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] we begin with donald trump, former president and current courtroom sketch model. one of the most serious charges against him involves his attempt to steal the 2020 election, and with less than a year to go before he attempts to steal the next election, things in the case are starting to move quickly. >> happening now, breaking news. the united states supreme court just agreed to weigh in for the first time on donald trump's historic criminal prosecution.

>> this afternoon, special counsel jack smith filed a brief urging the supreme court to rule on whether the former president is immune from federal prosecution for his actions while he was in the white house. smith is trying to keep the election subversion trial, scheduled for next march, on track and is hoping to avoid the delays that are coming as trim steam fights is issue of immunity trump's lawyers are claiming through lower courts. that his actions around the 2020 election results were part of his official presidential duties at the time. >> kal: so trump thinks stealing the election was part of his job? i mean, look, see what you want about the guy but it is pretty ballsy when your defense is both "i didn't do anything" and also "i was allowed to do it." like, what a paradox! trump is what i like to call a schroedinger's [bleep]. but look, if the constitution allows a president to overturn the constitution,

then what's the point of the constitution? the whole thing might as well end with "or do whatever, man, i don't give a [bleep]." any by the way, even if the supreme court rules for trump, he should realize that this ruling would apply to any president, which means joe biden would have total immunity to do anything he wants. stealing quarters from behind little kid's ears left and right. getting their noses. never giving them back. or hey, maybe he'll just arrest trump and send him to guantanamo! right? [cheers and applause] no! no! we don't want any president to have absolute power! that was a test and you all failed! all right, maybe just this once. no! no! you failed again! it's not funny. now, one person who won't be defending trump in front of the supreme court is his former lawyer, rudy giuliani, seen here watching porn on full volume.

and that's because rudy's busy with his own legal problems. >> this morning, rudy giuliani is back in court, face to face with the two georgia election workers whose lives were nearly ruined by his repeated falsehoods and conspiracy theories about them after the 2020 election. giuliani telling me after court yesterday he stands by all of it. >> do you regret what you did to ruby freeman? >> of course i don't regret. i told the truth. they were engaged in changing votes. >> there's no proof of that. >> oh, you're damn right there is. stay tuned. >> ruby freeman and her daughter wandrea shaye moss served as election workers in georgia in 2020. but when donald trump claimed baselessly that the vote count was rigged, giuliani accused them of bringing in suitcases stuffed with fake biden votes and other skullduggery. >> i really felt someone would tell him, like, "no, sir, you don't know what you're talking about." >> yesterday, during opening

statements, giuliani's lawyers said that up to $43 million in damages the workers are seeking will, quote, "be the end of him." >> kal: the end of rudy giuliani? oh, no. that sounds... awesome! [cheers and applause] the end of rudy giuliani is like a best-case scenario. why does rudy's lawyer threatening the jury with a good time? he is like, you really want to see my client broke and sobbing like a little bitch? you want to see him crying so hard, he pees his pants? the pee gets all over the floor? is that what you want? then he slips on his pee and he is rolling on the floor covered in pee. donald trump tries to help him up and he slips on the pee and they both flied out the door on rudy's pee right onto two chef's caring cake? is that funny to you? look, i might feel more sympathy for rudy if during his defamation trial, he wasn't outside the courthouse doing

more defamation. like, does he get that every time you do a crime, it is its own thing? this guy is committing defamation like he's got the unlimited plan. your crimes don't roll over to next month, rudy. and finally, let's move on to one of the only courses on my cases that does not involve donald trump. and this one comes out of the state of texas, where sentencing someone to hard labor has taken on a new meaning. >> this morning, a new twist in a texas woman's legal battle to get an abortion in her home state. the texas supreme court last night ruled against kate cox after she sought an emergency medical exception to the state's abortion ban. doctors say her 20 week fetus has a severe abnormality and little chance of survival and they say continuing the pregnancy could put her health at risk, possibly preventing her from getting pregnant ever again. for attorneys say the decision left her with no choice but to seek medical care

in another state. >> kal: this case is what legal experts refer to as bullshit. [cheers and applause] i mean, come on. texas' abortion laws are so restrictive, this woman had to flee the state, like some sort of senator. controversial opinion in 2023, a court shouldn't get to decide whether a woman can get a medical procedure. [cheers and applause] if they are going to come with and they should also get to rule on a man's right to pass a kidney stone. " "sorry, brian, god has a plan for that rock." for more on the texas supreme court decision, we turn to grace kuhlenschmidt. [cheers and applause] grace, it's just chaos down there in texas right now. courts are saying doctors should just buy decide what abortions are medically necessary but when

the doctors decide, the court overruled them and courts over all those courts. it's like no one is in charge of the decision. >> i know, right? but here's a crazy idea. when it comes to deciding whether a woman can have an abortion, what if we gave that decision to just one person? what if this one person is the person who knows what's best for each woman better than anyone else? >> kal: i see where you're going with this! >> and that person should be the golden bachelor. >> kal: oh. that's not where i thought you were going. why should the golden bachelor decide every women's abortion? >> it makes sense. his whole thing is making tough choices about who stays and who goes. >> kal: right, but i thought you were gonna say, like, the woman. >> which woman? like, beyonce? i mean, she is from texas. but i don't know, she seems so distracted with her tour. she's not responding to any of my texts. >> kal: you have beyonce's

number? >> no, but i've been guessing. one of these days, i'm gonna get it right. >> kal: grace, i'm sorry, but i really don't think this is a good idea. >> uh, are you mansplaining abortion to me, kal? how dare you? it's my body and it's my right to decide which man gets to tell me what to do with it. and i want that man to be the golden bachelor. >> kal: okay, okay! but it doesn't even matter. the republicans in charge of these states don't care who chooses, because they don't want anybody to choose. they're prosecuting all abortions. >> prosecute, shmosh-emute. there's an easy solution here. any woman who needs an abortion just needs to get elected president. because presidents have total immunity! #freetrump! >> kal: how is a woman who needs an abortion supposed to become president? >> simple. we distract the men. butter them up, listen to them

play guitar or whatever. then, we turn them against each other. while they're busy fighting on the beach, the ladies roll in and vote her into the oval office. [cheers and applause] >> kal: are you describing the plot of the "barbie" movie? >> it worked, kal. by the way, you're so good at guitar. >> kal: we're both gay, grace. >> oh, yeah. [laughs] sometimes i forget. >> kal: okay, so she becomes president and her first act is, what, getting an abortion? >> yeah, she goes into the situation room, because what a sticky situation this is! then the super secret service rolls in and it's outta there. >> kal: grace, this sounds way too complicated. isn't the simplest and best solution to just leave the decision up to the woman who's pregnant? >> man, you're so dumb, kal. i'm gonna text beyonce right now to tell her how dumb you sound.

i'm going to try starting with the letter three. i've never done that one before. >> kal: grace kuhlenschmidt, everybody. [cheers and applause] when we come back, we'll find out who's going to win the republican nomination. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] this holiday season on apple tv+. my husband is an amazing dad. i just wish our lives were...

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[cheers and applause] >> kal: hey, welcome back to "the daily show." the 2024 presidential election is upon us, and there's a surprising new constituency that might make the difference. i sat down with some of them to find out what they're thinking. we are just days away from the start of the 2024 election and there are not one, not two, but three indian-american candidates in the mix. we are already halfway of vp kamala harris. indian americans make almost half of the republican primary so i gathered a group of mostly conservative indian-american voters to find out why this race is all over this race. >> i think indian americans are very smart. they are intelligent, they are smart. >> i think we come off as a model minority. a minority that is just american enough, but just diverse enough to fit the role. >> kal: you are saying if we can't have a white president, at least we should have an indian one. >> it is in their blood.

they have to lead. >> kal: our parents push us too much. is there something in it all? >> i think the chinese are coming close to that. the chinese and filipinos, they were cart too. >> kal: you are the uncle that gets cut off. [laughter] these also think we are uniquely qualified. but which brown candidate belongs in the white house? the annoying kid in the front row for class? the stern assistant principal? or the teacher that went missing halfway through the school? >> i support nikki haley. she is coming from an immigrant parents and i support that because i'm immigrant myself >> i have joe biden and kamala harris. i personally prefer a democratic candidate that his eyes with a level head. >> you are so boring. [laughter] >> nikki haley is my first choice. it is time for a woman to be a president and it is time for an indian-american to be the president. >> a woman could be president, fine, but not kamala harris. >> not kamala harris? what disappoints and on timor? the fact that kamala is only

half indian or she is vice president? >> a little controversially, i have been looking into vivek a little bit because he is very much the opposite of what i have been voting for. he's got a rizz. >don't michael here think that vivek has rizz? >> i think so. i see vivek and i was like he is pretty hot until he opens his mouth. [laughter] not going to happen. >> kal: according to our panel, rizz is being the loudest douche in the room. >> why am i the only person on the state you can say that january 6th now does look like it was an inside job? >> kal: how well do they know what is actually coming out of the candidate's mouth? i wanted to play a game called who said that to find out. >> first up. to the people of india and two indian-americans all across the u.s., i want to wish you a happy indian independence day. who said that? you all got it right except for

the trump uncle. it was kamala. >> i remember a while back, watching an interview, it was the mayor of san francisco, he was talking about how the only reason she became d.a. was because he had an affair with her. >> kal: that was not at all the question but that is a very passionate view. [laughter] of the current vice president. you are a whatsapp group chats are way more than mine are. as much fun is that misogynist fanfiction was, i had to get our focus back on the game. america is not a racist country. just trying to figure out if he or she sounded disappointed when they said that. we've got one, two, three, four, five, six trumps and three chris christies. that is incorrect. that is a quote from nikki haley. do you agree or disagree with that quote? >> do i have to disagree. it is still prevalent to this day, no matter where you look, there is always racism.

>> every single time i write on the subway, i always get picked for extra scrutiny. they always want to check my bag. >> kal: what is in your bag? i get it, you work out, we can tell. [laughter] if you are all in agreement that racism is a problem in the country, does it make you want to vote for the person you think would do the best job at fixing that? >> no. >> kal: why not? >> there are 320 million people in the country. you are not going to have him say, okay him all of you need to do away with racism. >> kal: maybe not saying that the and murderers -- >> but to have someone completely act like america isn't racist at all, that is just as bad as being racist. >> you have all of these bloke things which are going about nowadays, things are getting out of control at this point in time. i don't care what people's feelings at this point. >> kal: thought is clear. >> i just want the job done and the job done right. >> kal: while it's amazing to imagine a world with an indian-american president, i am also not high enough to believe it will happen this time, which

is why i wanted to know who the group preferred. trump or biden? >> we've got two bidens and the rest are trumps. interesting. >> to me, it is almost like the old and very disruptive, unfiltered guy that is going to make things horrible or the old, grandpa that kind of needs a nap too often. neither of them are the greatest. >> the one thing with biden, he's not a strong leader. he should have just stayed on the beach. he should've never left the beach. >> kal: what? >> i keep seeing him in this video on youtube where he is pulling this chair like an old man on the beach. he is trying to sit down and adjust. it is ridiculous. what are you doing? >> kal: why do you keep watching this video? [laughter] so because one candidate can't handle a beach chair, we are going to elect another one who wants to put himself on a throne? trump whatever market we were deciding the election. he has also been really vocal in

ways that seem to threaten the nature of democracy, right? are any of those things are concerned? >> there is no way he will bring upon the dictatorship based upon the constitution. he might say it and it is not meant in that manner. >> so he is not going to do what he says? >> he said he will be a dictator on -- for one day. >> kal: like, if you are a dictator for one day, don't you just make yourself a dictator for the second day too? >> yes, yes. >> interim dictator. >> kal: i mean, i would. [laughter] >> kal: indians americans are part of our democracy in every way. we hold diverse views, passionate about our candidates, and look, we all have a crazy youtube uncle who dominates the conversation. god bless america, and please vote. [cheers and applause] >> kal: hey, when we come back, vir das will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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oops! wrong song. when you smell the amazing scent of gain flings... time stops. (♪♪) and you realize you're in love... steve? with a laundry detergent. (♪♪) gain flings. seriously good scent. [cheers and applause] >> kal: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a comedian and actor. he just won an international emmy for his netflix standup special, "landing." >> they are not wrong. i was raised abroad, partially. so i always felt kind of stuck. i am too indian for the west but too western for india. does that make sense to anybody? [cheers and applause] that is easy applause. i will break it down. check it out. i am not so indian that i would study to be a doctor. no. but i am indian enough that i would never use a white doctor. >> kal: please welcome vir das!

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ hey, brother. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> hi! >> kal: [laughs] clearly you have some fans here. congrats on the international emmy. >> thank you! [cheers and applause] it is on sale. >> kal: [laughs] this win was special because, based on your stand-up special, you thought at a point that your career was over. you were called a terrorist. there were criminal charges that were filed against you for the 2021 poem "two indias." i have to be honest, when i saw both of those, both the poem and the special, my only reaction was, this is a brother who loves his country and just wants to make it better through conversation and through art. but not everybody had that reaction. so talk me through that process

and what happened. >> the central theme of the special is that love is never yelled, love is felt. i don't think there is a better demonstration of love than laughter. [cheers and applause] i think, if you love someone, you want to make them laugh. if they love you, they laugh back, and that goes to your country too. i was at the center of this controversy. i was on the bbc home page and there was a big headline that said, "comedian polarizes the nation." do you know how badly you have to [bleep] up before the british say that you divided india? [cheers and applause] >> kal: [laughs] >> but what happens then, the point i'm making is, a bad day in your life turns into laughter. and i think happiness blooms when it is watched. and so you get to watch people be happy because of that.

and that turns into a gold statue someday and you kind of are reminded that comedy, this job, on its best day, can sometimes be alchemy. that is kind of nice. >> kal: that is awesome. very well said. [applause] before we let you go, i want to know about your tour. it's a 33 country tour. a, i want to know where you are going, but then, b, are there bits that don't translate in some countries, that people just don't find funny? do you have to curate it for each audience? >> no. i think because of netflix, amazon, youtube, it has become more important to be authentically indian. dave chappelle gets to take us to ohio, i don't know a damn thing about ohio but i go on that journey with him. why can't i take you to mumbai? why can't i take you to delhi? if you have never been, come over, and at the end of the diet, whether you are indian or not, you will be indian. come to my show. i'm going to be playing carnegie hall.

i think i'll be the first indian comic to do it. >> kal: right on, congrats. >> look, my shows are this big reunion. if you are not from india, you get integrated into india. if you are indian, you sometimes haven't been in a room full of indians in a really long time. do you know how many people hook up at my shows? >> kal: this is the best [bleep] ad for the show. >> i am like sema auntie with a jaw line. that is who i am. i have couples who are formed at my shows. so is it this big india celebration. it is kind of cool. >> kal: man, that is awesome. thank you so much for coming here! vir will be bringing his "mind fool" world tour to carnegie hall on january 19th with more stops in the u.s. in january and february. vir das, everyone! we're gonna take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. dude. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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(♪♪) (♪♪) >> kal: that's our show for tonight. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> take a close look at the just-released christmas card from prince william and kate and their family. there is something missing. >> wears his little finger? >> he is feisty. >> i want to zoom in. >> maybe his finger was down. >> kids do weird things. >> yeah.