tv The Daily Show Comedy Central December 14, 2023 11:00pm-11:30pm PST
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oh, that is absolutely revolting. oh, yeah. he is so good though. yes. the way he just cuts of his arm. if you like james franco, we really should watch "rise of the planet of the apes." well, he's a genius, you know. he was in graduate programs at yale, columbia, and nyu all at the same time. - whoopty-do. that doesn't make you a genius. well, that doesn't make you stupid. well, yeah it does, actually. it makes you real stupid. oh, stupider like you. - no, like you. - like you. you're the stupid one. you're the stupid one. dwight: you. you're the stupid one. [cheers and applause] >> from new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that invented news! this is "the daily show," with your host, kal penn! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪
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>> kal: welcome to "the daily show," i'm kal penn! is my last night as guest hosts and it's also the last "daily show" of the year, which means it's gift time! [cheers and applause] everyone look under your seats... you got the person behind you a view of your buttcrack, merry christmas pureed we've got a great show for you tonight, let's get into the headlines! [cheers and applause] we will kick things off with the big news out of washington, d.c., or house republicans just ended this year's session with a very special christmas gift for joe biden. >> this morning, house republicans are pushing ahead with an impeachment inquiry into president biden despite finding no evidence of wrongdoing in nearly a year of investigations. the inquiry is focused on allegations that the president abused his power to enrich his family and whether he made decisions while vice president to boost his son hunter's businesses.
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>> during a heated floor debate, democrats accused republicans of acting on behalf of twice-impeached former president donald trump ahead of next year's election. >> welcome to the donald trump revenge show. >> even some republicans openly admit they've seen no hard evidence. >> i'm going to just follow the facts where they are. and the fact haven't taken me to that point where i can say that the president is guilty of anything. >> with a presidential election less than a year away, several republicans seem to safe the quiet part out loud. >> what are you hoping to gain from an impeachment inquiry? >> all i can say is donald j. trump 2024, baby. because this has been i think the most transparent political -- congressional investigation since -- as i've been in congress. [laughter] >> kal: man! i hate when i slip up and say the thing i totally mean! republicans have been searching for a year already and so far it seems like biden's only crime is
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having a messed up son, which would be a terrible precedent to set. i don't want to see tom hanks go to jail. to be fair, we can't say for sure whether biden ever did anything shady with his son's business dealings. her story has changed over time, but we do know that republicans don't actually give a shit about people profiting off the presidency, because donald trump was the president! he had so many scams going on, running the country was basically his side hustle. republicans just want a headline that says "biden impeached." they don't care if it's legitimate. it's like how i told the art department to make this magazine cover of me winning "sexiest bitch of all time" in enormous b-17 quarterly magazine. you don't have to speculate about whether this is politically motivated because you have a g.o.p. congressman counting, chanting up trump 2024. at this whole thing is such a piece of theater, i'm surprised
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lauren boebert is not a crowd giving someone a handy. it seems like an impeachment is just something that's going to happen to like every president now, which is not at all how it's supposed to be. there should be an extremely high bar for impeachment, at that doesn't mean hunter being extremely high at a bar. let's move on because i don't want to give the impression that congress is completely distracted by this impeachment stuff. in fact, the same day they were dealing with that, they still found time to tackle one of the biggest issues facing the country today. >> schoolkids are going to have another drink option in their cafeterias very soon. the house just passed a bill allowing schools to serve whole milk. several regulations have limited what kind of milk kids could have since 2012. the whole milk for healthy kids act give kids the options of whole or reduced and low-fat milk's. >> the nutrients in whole milk, like protein, calcium, and vitamin d, provide the fuel santa needs to travel the whole globe in one night.
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if whole milk is a good option to fuel santa's extraordinary christmas eve journey, then why isn't it an option for american schoolchildren in their lunchrooms? >> kal: okay... [laughter and applause] i don't know if that's the best argument. how much energy does milk give you a santa has to stop and drink more at every house? [laughter] santa doesn't need milk, he needs one of those panera lemonades. i'm done with all the nice kids and it's only 10:30, let's give the naughty kids gifts too! this bill passed with bipartisan support but it was a particular priority for republicans, which makes sense. you can't look at this party and tell me your surprised they are obsessed with milk. by the way, our kids really out there demanding whole milk back, they are schoolkids, they want capri suns or at best
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elk-flavored vapes. but there isn't actually a good reason not to expand milk options for kids. milk is kind of disgusting. [laughter] is that weird that we drink milk as a species? it's not your mom's milk. it's not even your friend's mom. it's like a completely different animal. milk is so gross except for chocolate milk, that's really yummy. and finally, it's that time of year where everyone is headed to their office holiday parties. it's the big night where you get to see which one of your coworkers is married to a uggo. usually a holiday party as a chance for everybody to have fun together but for the boston mayor's party, it was a vip oc event only. >> mayor michelle will give hugs and gifts to the outgoing counselors during the final boston kitty council meeting of the year, but not everyone is feeling the love after the city disinvited the white counselors to a holiday party. >> seven news obtained this email sent to all the
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city council is. it is from one of the mayor's staffers and reads "i cordially invite you and a guest to the elected of color holiday party." but 15 minutes later another email went out, that staff are clarifying "i did send that to everyone by accident, i apologize if my email may have offended." >> i think we've all been in a position at one point where an email went out and there was a mistake in the recipients so there was truly just an honest mistake. >> i do find it divisive, but you know, what you going to do about it? you don't want me at a party, i'm not going to come to the party. [laughter] >> kal: i feel bad now! guys, come on, let him come to the "pahtee." this is rough. they planned a party just for the peoples of color and then accidentally invited the white people and then they uninvited them. it's a whole mess and i'll be honest, this is actually a tough one for me. i understand where they're coming from. i've been to germany parties were one of my coworkers asked me if i know her from indian
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matchmaking. and i do, but that's not the point. white friends, i know what you're thinking, but your coworkers aren't excluding from a party so that they can talk shit about you. that's what our whatsapp group is for. but be that as it may, in this case the invitations already went out to the white colleagues! come on! at that point it's too late! your only option is to say the holiday party this year will center and honor the narratives of the bipoc community and the nobody's going to want to come. for more on the fallout of the boston holiday party scandal, we go live on the scene to troy iwata! [cheers and applause] troy, don't identity-based parties like this hurt the feelings of the people they lead out? >> you know, maybe, but i wouldn't know. because i'm half japanese and jewish and gay and i look kind of white so i've never been excluded from a party in my
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life. and i never will. because that would be a hate crime. so yeah, i go to the mall. the american jewish council's annual hanukkah hobnob, the atapi byob, the kkk christmas kegger. >> kal: you go to the kkk holiday party? >> one word, open bar, that's free. >> kal: that's forwards. what's in that cup? the point is if you're going to exclude people from your holiday party, why announce a gimmick just me quietly for drinks, that's what i did on my birthday. >> kal, that is so, so, so, so sad. there's no point in having an exclusive party if everyone else doesn't know how exclusive the party is. [laughter and applause] denise, the woman who accidentally sent that email out, she did that on purpose. like "i guess you found out i'm attending a private soiree this weekend, how embarrassing." [laughter] i see what denise did!
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i love denise. >> kal: but did you still have to -- you still have to work with all those people? isn't it less awkward to just invite everybody? >> no... frankly, the only reason to invite everyone is so you can stand in the corner and talk shit about your coworkers. a party is a lot more fun if you can be like "don't look now... but keith brought his ex-wife as a date. it like we know." >> kal: he did? move on, keith -- wait, focus, focus. troy, leaving people outfield scroll to me. we go we can talk about that tonight at "the daily show" holiday party for gay and asian on camera talent. [cheers and applause] it's called the gaaoct. >> kal: but that's just going to be you and me, that's not a party. >> that's like the perfect party. we don't have to remember
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anyone's names, i don't have to make a second tray of potato skins because someone's vegan this week. and we already know who our secret santa is, i got you nothing, you have enough stuff. but, when we get tired, we can just irish exit each other. i feel that the term irish exit is offensive to irish people. >> okay, well, they are not invited. so it's just us asian, gay ha half-jews. >> kal: i'm not half jewish. >> kal, i'm really sorry, but i'm going to have to rescind your invitation. this is just a very exclusive party. >> kal: it sounds like it's just you at home alone. >> yeah. yeah, that's the ultimate party. [applause] just going to -- i'm going to order take out and i'm going to watch "the holiday." >> kal: that's fair! troy, everybody! when we come back, we will talk about prostitutes, so don't go away!
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reason. america has been legalizing a lot of vices. we'd, gambling, breakfast for dinner. but one activity is still relegated to the shadows: sex work, which is weird, because it's the oldest profession in the world and americans love old stuff. just look at our presidential candidates! [laughter] but why is sex work still stigmatized in 2023? it's something i want to discuss in tonight's "long story short." [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ ever since the 1900s, sex work has been mostly illegal in the united states and none of those laws have actually stopped it, which makes sense, right? usually banning something just makes you want it more. it's like when gay marriage was banned. it's a whole reason i'm with my husband, i'm not even gay, it's just spite. of what these laws have done is stigmatize sex work as dirty and immoral, pushing it further into the shadows of society. that has made it one of the most dangerous professions in the
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country. it's even more dangerous on average than being a cop, and you wouldn't think those jobs have anything in common, right? for one, sex workers only choke you if you asked them to. [laughter] oh, yeah! but there's one place in america where things aren't quite so dire for sex workers. nevada. if nevada shows us that when you get sex work out of the shadows, it becomes something much less scandalous. a job. >> nevada, the only state were sex work is legal in some areas. >> there are about two dozen brothels across nevada were sex workers have to pay taxes and get regular std checks. >> a lot of people think that we are dirty when in all actuality, i've been tested more than probably like 95% of the human population. >> just like any other business, there are safety regulations here. there are security cameras and
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emergency buttons, which is a lot different than the outside world of prostitution. the women go through thorough back on checks. fico everybody there is licensed, legal, verified, has cleared their std and sti testing and has to jump through all the requisite hoops. >> kal: that's right, in about, all sex workers have to get background checked, std tested, they literally have to be licensed to smash. [laughter] which also happens to be my favorite james bond movie. by the way, not once has bond ever pulled out a condom, that's why they have to keep her placing him. he dies of syphilis. if this is why we should want sex were to be regulated, it keeps be 30 workers say from nearly every single job hazard except for the client to just want to talk and then end up crying for an hour. [laughter] outlook... nevada isn't perfect, they have issues with monopolies, licensing fees, they are in the desert, so sand it's all up in everything, but it has been the
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lone bright spot in america when it comes to regulating sex work. at least for now. multiple states across the country are looking to decriminalize prostitution and main just did it last summer, although its main so the prostitutes are lobsters and you don't have sex with them, you just eat them. come to think of it, i think i may have just gone to a lobster shack. anyway, there's momentum to protect sex workers. even some people who oppose prostitution say that we should leave sex workers alone and arrest clients instead. although studies have shown the producing client demand doesn't reduce the supply of sex workers. remember, it takes two to tango and three to eiffel tower. long story short, this is not an easy issue to fix and there's no agreement on how to do it. but what we do know is that sex work is not going away anytime soon, so let's find a solution that protects sex workers' safety and treats them with dignity because after giving out so many happy endings, it's about time to get one themselves. [cheers and applause] [applause]
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god's beautiful creation? you know god loves admiration. >> you're saying god is vain? >> no, not vain! god just wants to share a good thing. you see, i think it pisses god off if you walk past the color purple and not notice it. >> you're saying god wants to be loved like this in the bible? >> everything and everybody wants to be loved, especially god! that's why god be in everything. >> kal: please welcome taraji p. henson! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ hello! welcome! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> oh, my goodness! >> kal: welcome back! >> thank you! [cheers and applause]
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you're going to make me cry! >> kal: you can't cry yet! this is before you've seen "the color purple"! incredible. i had a chance to see the film early. it comes out on christmas day. it's fantastic. i'm curious what your first experience with "the color purple" was, was at the book, was that the earlier film? >> it was the first film. i was 15 and i was just trying to figure out what i wanted to do with my future and i started falling in love with acting, and you know, a little girl coming from southeast d.c., i lived in the hood. [cheers and applause] you know, i lived in the hood and sometimes when you come from places like that your dreams are stifled. but i just remember seeing all those black faces and i was like i want to do that! i want to do that and that's why representation is so important.
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[cheers and applause] >> kal: i want to ask about that. the film is incredible, it's about community, it's about women, especially black women. what was the vibe like on set? >> it was so much fun! like the support that we gave each other, this is my first time really singing like this and, you know, it's not something that i'm very confident in. i am more confident in my acting than singing, singing a something i can do, i studied musical theater in college but you know, when i became pregnant a kind of turned my back on the music industry because it seemed a little dark to me. [laughter] and they don't have a union, was protecting the artist! so i packed my baby up and i moved west because i felt more secure with acting. and i think i made the right choice. [cheers and applause] but you know, we supported each other. this was fantasia barrino and danielle brooks' first studio film, so where they felt like they were inadequate, i hope their hands as far as being the
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first feature film, and for me, the singing. so they held my hand. and it was just beautiful. the sisterhood and the come lottery that we had on the set is why you feel it so much coming through the screen, because we really had a good time. >> kal: blitz, your director also to ask about. feel like a lot of times when you see communities of color in film, especially something as a period piece especially if it's through the lens of someone who is not from that community, you often end up just really focusing on victimhood -- >> on the trauma, yeah. >> kal: and this was such a celebratory, beautiful film, especially when you are on screen singing, you bring so much joy with every frame. talk me through what it was like making those choices and then what the director's vision was because that was very affecting. >> absolutely, and when he started explaining his radical reimagining of it, i was like oh, my god, i have to be a part of this. this is literally who we are. you know, the trauma is there, absolutely, but we fight, we have imagination and when he
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said -- you know, people who have been through trauma have often been labeled as domicile and, you know, looking for help, but that couldn't be farthest from the truth because what happens is the use imagination and they imagine themselves in better situations and better circumstances. when he explained that to me, i was like i'm in, i'm in. i want to do this. [applause] >> kal: yeah. last question i want to ask you, a little bit of a fellow actor nerd question. what was it like working with oprah and steven spielberg on this? >> i didn't see much of steven spielberg but what i will -- i find this funny, my entire career on, never knew stephen, never met him. i would owe is go "hold my phone and it steven spielberg calls, tell him i will call him after this take" and finally he ca called! but i will never forget the first shot that we -- the first
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scene that we shot was the very last scene of the film and that's everybody around that big oak tree, and i remember that day, oprah was there inevitably like oh god, oprah is here, you better be on your best behavior. and so after they yelled "it's a picture wrap for the day," we did the electric slide with oprah winfrey. >> kal: oh, that's awesome! that's awesome! >> not many people can say that! >> kal: is there video of this? >> i'm sure someone has it out there. you and thank you, "the color purple" is in theaters on christmas day! taraji p. henson, everybody! we are going to take a quick break but we will be right back. thank you so much! >> thank you so, so much! [cheers and applause] the first time you connected your godaddy website and your store was also the first time you realized...
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guest host and if you're looking for the perfect holiday graft -- gift -- then you can pick up a copy of my book or audiobook "you can't be serious" wherever books are sold. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> hoisting heavy sacks of gifts up and down the chimney is no easy task, it is calcium that keeps santa strong and sturdy as he dashes from rooftop to rooftop. if you see, it's not just the magic of the season that helps santa deliver presents worldwide. it's also the fortifying nutrients whole m - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪
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