yo in the fillings, doesn't it? okay, anyway, welcome. [scratching tones] - ♪ well, it's a mess, what a mess ♪ ♪ what you gonna do? ♪ ♪ you're gonna take out your suck it ♪ ♪ and you suck it ♪ ♪ suck it ♪ ♪ yeah, take out your suck it ♪ ♪ and you suck it ♪ - ♪ suck it ♪ - ♪ yeah ♪ - ♪ yeah ♪ - ♪ suck it ♪ - ♪ suck it ♪ - ♪ yeah ♪ ♪ take out the suck it and we'll ♪ - ♪ suck it ♪ - ♪ yeah ♪ - ♪ yeah ♪ - ♪ suck it ♪ ♪ take out my suck it and we'll suck it ♪ ♪ yeah ♪ - teddy! - yeah. captioning by ryan at captionmax www.captionmax.com ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central, and america's only source for news... this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: thank you! welcome to "the daily show!" my name is jon stewart! now, where was i? i am excited to be back! [cheers and applause] i'm very excited. it's good to see everyone, it is good to see you guys. why am i back? you may be asking yourself, it is a very reasonable question.

i have committed a lot of crimes. from what i understand, talk show hosts are granted immunity. it doesn't make a lot of sense but take it up with the founders. i don't know. we have so much we are going to talk about this year. obviously, elections. maybe we will talk about china, maybe we will talk about ai. maybe something a bit lighter, like israel-palestine... who knows! but first, the super bowl was yesterday! [cheers and applause] a gentleman in a crowd is delighted that kansas city won. it was sadly, a lose-lose for real america. the kansas city chiefs are world champions which means the decades long plot in which travis and taylor brainwash america into getting routine vaccinations is complete. but it was really kind of a no won for conservatives. if the chiefs lost... who wins? the people's communist republic

of gay pelosistan. it is almost like the right is politicizing every aspect of american life ruins everything. but now that it is over, nine months till the election, people! [cheers and applause] and the exciting part is, we already know our candidates! it is... drum roll please! these [bleep] guys! that's why tonight we're debuting our election coverage: "indecision 2024: american de-mock-racy." it's a homophone. we didn't change the sound of the word but we added a k which makes it wittier. how about: "indecision 2024: electile dysfunction"!

we changed the one letter. are you disappointed yet? so, joe biden and donald trump. and by the way, this weekend, the big news was the special counsel report on joe biden's handling of classified information. >> the special counsel's report offers gating details of what it calls has diminished faculties and faulty memory, writing, "if charged, mr. biden will likely present himself to the jury as he did during his interview with our office as a sympathetic, well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory." >> jon: "where did i park those documents?" this guy couldn't remember stuff during his deposition! do you understand what this means? he had no ability to recall very

basic things under questioning. the footage of the president unable to recall simple facts must have been brutal to watch. >> james webb. >> i don't remember the names. don't remember the name. >> i don't ever remember buying something for myself. >> can you recall that? >> i mean, i don't remember that. as good as my memory is, i don't remember that. >> so you don't remember saying you have one of the best memories in the world? >> i don't remember that. [cheers and applause] >> jon: oh, i'm sorry, that was the wrong footage. that is the high-functioning candidate from nine years ago, unable to recall if he has a good memory. i am sorry. here's the actual footage. >> who created trump international realty? >> i don't remember >> i don't remember. i don't remember the email.

>> i'm just saying, i don't remember this. i just don't seem to recall anything about this. >> jon: he actually seemed to seemed [bleep] upset about it. "i don't know!" it turns out that the leading cause of early-onset dementia is being deposed. back to president biden. biden was not about to take the special counsel's characterizations lying down -- although, chances are, he was lying down. but the point is this. to the press conference, that man! >> my memory is fine. take a look at what i have done since i became president. nobody thought we could pass any of the things i got past. how did that happen? i got this country back on its feet. >> i did not say that. >> mr. president -- >> let me answer your question. >> many american people have been watching and they have expressed concerns about your age.

>> that is your judgment! that is your judgment! >> jon: boom! he took them to the house! he was all over it! joe biden taking names! kicking ass! press conference over! you didn't mess up! no, no. wait. hold on. hold on, sir. no! you killed this! take the w! what are you doing? do not -- oh, -- allow me to present to you a one-man show about what joe biden's advisors were doing when he turned around and went back to the podium. the show is called... "no! do not go back!" please! but he went back. >> i'm of the view, as you know, that the conduct of the response

in gaza, in the gaza strip has been, um... over the top. >> jon: garbanzo... garment... gaza. by the way, the response in gaza has been... "over-the-top?" i like how biden describes israel's incessant bombing of civilians the same way my mother talks about the super bowl halftime show. "it was a little much. did they need to be on roller skates?"

"whatever happened to music? using that song and people will love it but with the abs and the twirling... "and the hits kept coming. >> initially, the president of mexico, sisi, did not want to open up the gate to allow humanitarian material to get in. >> jon: now, geography buffs might have noticed that gaza and mexico do not share a border. that biden was referring to sisi, the president of egypt, not mexico. unless it was even worse than that and he thinks the president of mexico is named, "si, si!" so joe biden had a big press conference to dispel the notion that he may have lost a step, and politically speaking, lost three to four steps.

but don't worry, because they don't need to the press conference. the super bowl was on sunday and the president was offered a chance as per tradition to do an interview where millions and millions of people could see him competently and clearly lay out his 2024 agenda. or he could just turn that down and do what this is. >> the biden-harris campaign joined tiktok over the weekend. the first video was released during the super bowl, and it shows president biden answering questions related to the big game. >> game or half-time show? >> game. >> jason kelce or travis kelce? >> mama kelce. i understand she makes great chocolate chip cookies. [laughter and applause] >> jon: fire everyone. everyone. how do you go on tiktok and end up looking older?

so yes, everyone spent the entire weekend talking about whether the democratic choice is mentally up to the challenge of the world's most demanding job. so what was his opponent saying this weekend? >> we have to win in november or we are not going to have pennsylvania. they're going to change the name of pennsylvania. >> jon: i can't believe i have lived in new jersey this long and have been mispronouncing "pennsylvania!" apparently the emphasis is at the end of the line! yes, it should be noted, while concerns over any president's fitness and acuity are legitimate, especially those at an advanced age, biden's opponent also seems to live at

the villages. so the question then becomes, what the [bleep] are we doing here, people? [cheers and applause] that's a nice "indecision 2024" title. "yeah." let me tell you something. [cheers and applause] biden has lost a step but trump regularly says things at rallies that would warrant a wellness check. >> all i know about magnets is this, give me a glass of water, let me drop it on the magnets, that's the end of the magnets. >> jon: i am not a scientist. i am pretty sure water is not the end of magnets. i think he may be thinking of cotton candy. pretty easy to mix those up. it's probably why the front of his refrigerator is so messy. it is sticky. but look. these two candidates -- you have

been very kind with your enthusiasm. these two candidates are similarly challenged and it is not crazy to think that the oldest people in the history of the country to every run for president might have some of these challenges. democrats will say that any criticism like this, especially of biden, is unfair, because you just don't know biden like they know biden. >> president biden, who i've been around numerous times just in as last year is sharp, he's focused, he is bright. >> he is sharp, intensely probing, and detail-oriented, and focused. >> this is a man who is sharp, who is on top of his game, who knows what's going on. >> he's smart, he's on his game. >> i was in almost every meeting with the president and the president was in front of and on top of it all. coordinating and directing leaders who are in charge of america's national security. not to mention our allies around the globe.

>> jon: did any one film that? [laughter and applause] because if you are telling us behind the scenes, he is sharp and full of energy and on top of it and really in control and leading, you should film that. that would be good to show two people instead of a tiktok where he goes "chocolate chip cookie." we see he is in charge. you see "hello, cookie." of course, when it comes to republicans, they have a different strategy for their 77-year-old candidate. >> well, first of all, donald trump is not an old man. >> jon: he is an old man! he is objectively an old man! on a human scale, trump is objectively old.

if he was a tortoise, i'd tell him as a tortoise at 77, oh, young man, go off and enjoy college! but he is not a tortoise! that's not being ageist! that is being human lifespan-ist. one thing we know for certain is this. we have two candidates who are chronologically outside the norm of anyone who has run for the presidency in this country in the history of this country. they are the oldest people ever to run for president, breaking by only four years the record that they set! the last time they ran! they are at the age, they are objectively old. they are at the age, there are no more age-related milestones to hit! they've got the aarp card, they've got social security, they've got the movie discounts. there is no -- wait until you

hit 88, you get to drink and drive. no! the only thing left to them is a today show smokers shout out you know what? i think we've got a new name for our election coverage. "indecision 2024: antiques roadshow." chehere's what i'm saying. we are not suggesting that either man is vibrant, productive, marketable, but they are both stretching the limits of being able to handle the toughest job in the world. what is crazy is thinking that we are the ones, as voters, who must silence concerns and criticisms. it is the candidates' job to assuage concerns, not the voters' job not to mention them. and of course, i am not trying to be cruel. i don't want to have to do this on my first day. come over here.

look at me. look what time hath wrought. [applause] give the kids a treat of the lunar surface, here. look at this. i am 20 years younger than these [bleep]. this. look at this. they wish. [cheers and applause] here is the truth. and if you think, oh, 20 years isn't that long. this is me 20 years ago. [cheers and applause]

yeah. yeah. i agree. and perhaps it was my mistake for sleeping in a meat dehydrator. look, joe biden is not donald trump. he has not been indicted as many times, hasn't as many fraudulently businesses or been ordered to pay defamation or stiffed a shit ton of blue-collar tradesmen he hired. should we even get to the grab of the pussy stuff? probably not. but the stakes of this election stuff don't make donald trump's opponent less subject to scrutiny. it actually makes him more subject to scrutiny. if the barbarians are at the gate, you want conan standing on the ramparts, not "chocolate chip cookie" guy. so what is the good news? that was not rhetorical framing. i'm literally asking.

look, the next nine months or so, and may be more on that depending on the coup schedule, they are going to be stuck here you're going to be getting emails with insane subject lines like... "hello, jon, it's chuck schumer! donald trump is right behind you with a knife! donate!" you will be inundated with robocalls, and push polls and real polls, and people are gonna tell you to "rock the vote." "be the vote." "vote the vote." "fingerbang the vote!" it will all make you feel like tuesday, november 5th is the only day that matters, and it does matter, but man, november 68 nothing to sneeze at or november 7th. if your guy loses, the bad things might happen. but if your guy wins, the country is no safe. i've learned one thing is over these last nine years -- and i

was glib at best and probably dismissive at worst about this. the work of making this world resemble one that you would prefer to live in is a lunch pail [bleep] job. day in, day out, where thousands of committed, anonymous, smart, and dedicated people bang on closed doors and pick up those that are fallen, and grind away on issues until they get a positive result, and even then, have to stay on to make sure that result holds. so the good news is, i am not saying you don't have to worry about who wins the election. i am saying, you have to worry about every day before it and every day after. forever. [cheers and applause] although, on the plus side, i am told that at some point, the sun

will run out of hydrogen. when we come back, we will have full team coverage. don't go away. [cheers and applause]

this ad? typical. politicians... "he's bad. i'm good." blah, blah. let's shake things up. with katie porter. porter refuses corporate pac money. and leads the fight to ban congressional stock trading. katie porter. taking on big banks to make housing more affordable. and drug company ceos to stop their price gouging. most politicians just fight each other. while katie porter fights for you. for senate - democrat katie porter. i'm katie porter and i approve this message.

♪ dramatic music ♪ [flight attendant alert] [baby crying] [snoring] [luggage rattling] [baby crying] ♪ dramatic music ♪ ♪ upbeat music begins ♪ for everyone who's endured the bad seat, finally, sweet, sweet redemption. the lexus tx. three-row luxury that treats every seat like the best seat. (♪♪) [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." for the next nine months, the news media is going to be overwhelming you with nonstop election coverage. and we want to be a part of that. so we are going to preview our wall-to-wall election season coverage with the best [bleep] news team going!

[cheers and applause] we'll start with our very own desi lydic and michael kosta! desi, welcome. michael, welcome. [cheers and applause] desi, i will start with you. where will you two be reporting from this election season? >> jon, i'm going to be spending the next nine months here in a michigan diner, because diners are where real americans eat. the people are good to come of the menus are sticky, and the chickens have fingers. >> and i'll be in the same diner as desi, but the realer part of the diner. not the booth section, with all the coastal elite democrats and their fancy back support. i'll be spending the campaign at the counter with the trump voters, because realer americans want to sit at the bar stool on their coats. jon? >> jon: michael, what do trump voters think about this election? >> they're excited for president trump to win the presidency a third time and enact his agenda. >> jon: the border wall, tariffs, that's what they're

excited for? >> no, i would say the vengeance. total and utter vengeance. one woman i met, irene, retired nurse, she said she hopes that trump will, quote, "split the skies and rain fire upon the states of blue, his terrible blade sundering his enemies until nature herself bows before his dominion and his name is carved upon the moon." >> jon: is there also enthusiasm on the democratic side, desi? >> the democrats are pumped for joe biden. whether it's this joe biden, or maybe someone else who changes their name to "joe biden." the point is, everyone is excited and no one is crying in a bathroom. >> jon: sounds like things are going very well -- >> yoo-hoo! jon! over here! >> jon: oh, it's dulce sloan! dulce! [cheers and applause] dulce, it looks like you're

outside. why aren't you inside the diner asking people what they think? >> i know what they think. it's what everybody thinks: this is the same shit all over again. it's just a reboot! we need more than just the same show with an older, yet familiar face. [cheers and applause] >> jon: you mean -- you are talking about the two candidates -- >> yeah! yeah, i mean, they already had this job. now these old white dudes got to come back and reclaim it? like, come on, sir, go do something new. don't be so desperate. like, let someone else run the

show! >> jon: we're talking about the election, right? >> i said what i said. [cheers and applause] >> jon, jon, i disagree. you won't find a single republican who will say they don't want to vote for trump. now, is that because they're afraid of being murdered by other trump voters? yes, but being afraid is a form of excitement. >> yeah. same here, jon, the democrats here can't wait to show their joe biden support with these great campaign shirts. >> jon: desi, his name is velcroed onto that shirt. >> no. >> jon: what is underneath the name, desi? [laughter and applause] >> jon: so they want

taylor swift to jump into the race? >> no. no. why, has she said something to you? >> jon: thank you so much. it's going to be a great campaign. is that ronny chieng behind you? [cheers and applause] >> hey, jon. >> jon: haiti, ronny, great to see you are on the campaign trail. what do you got? >> i got potato skins, jon. just way i like them: still frozen in the middle. back to you, jon. >> jon: ronny, but what about the people there? [cheers and applause] what about the people there? what are their beliefs, their positions? >> what are you [bleep] talking about? [coughing] their position is hunched over their plates, eating! this is a diner. okay? people come here to eat. and sometimes take a quick bath

in the sink. [laughter and cheering] >> jon: ronny, get back over here. walk back over here! you are there to get a story. ask someone a question! >> anyone want those fries? >> jon: ronny chieng, everybody. give it up one more time for the best [bleep] news team! [cheers and applause] you know something, if i can just say this, when one considers the election -- >> [slow clapping] bravo, jon, bravo. brav-fricking-oh. >> jon: well, well, well. it is jordan klepper, everybody. i didn't see you there, you must have snuck up on me. shouldn't you be out somewhere talking to insurrectionist and a parking lot? >> oh, biting, jon. biting.

you must be so proud of yourself, with all these little satirical bits, exposing the absurdities of our political process. >> jon: well, it was fun. we had a fun day. >> i bet it was. did you save democracy yet? >> jon: no, i didn't. >> with your '90s brand of snark and both-siderisms? ooh, george bush is dumb! al gore is so boring! wow, searing, jon! >> jon: i wasn't really trying to save democracy. i was just trying to -- >> all you do is brainwash voters into accepting a corrosive status quo, when they could be out marching in the streets to affect change! frankly, you disgust me. >> jon: i can tell that from the tone of your voice. but you know, i'm only here once a week. seriously. what do you want for me? >> wait, you're only hosting one day a week? >> jon: yeah. >> who was hosting the show the other days of the week? >> jon: the newest team. in fact, you are the host this

whole week after i leave. tuesday, wednesday, thursday, that is you. [cheers and applause] >> [laughs] it is great having you back, buddy! this is gonna be so much fun! what we are doing here is important, jon. i can't wait to change the world with you, my friend. >> jon: thanks very much. really nice to see you. [cheers and applause] jordan klepper, everyone. when we come back, we will be joined by zanny minton beddoes. don't go away. [cheers and applause] [traffic noise] [text message] let's ace this thing! ♪ ♪

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is the editor-in-chief of "the economist." please welcome to the program zanny minton beddoes! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ lovely to see you!