swing them. [sighs] just swing them. i can't do it. okay? it's hard. -come on. okay? -here we go. -yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... -yes. [gasps] there's still a little summer left. [george grunting] ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> jon: hey, everybody! welcome! hey! [cheers and applause] i look -- i got to tell you something. these folks who work at "the daily show" are making me look zaddy! sorry. welcome to "the daily show!" i'm your host, jon stewart. captain of this dying medium! [laughter and applause] a gentleman told me tonight, he said, oh, i am so happy to be here. you know, television is dying. i said, i am aware. and in fact, i am contributing to it. you are welcome. i did have such a good time last week doing the program, and then

everybody at comedy central was like, what are you going to do this week? i was like, wait, this week? i did it monday. what am i, a cyborg? come on. but i don't mind because, quite frankly, the response to the first show last monday was... universally glowing. >> jon stewart is facing massive backlash from democrats over his comments about joe biden. olbermann tweeted: "well, after nine years away, there's nothing else to say to the bothsideist fraud jon stewart bashing biden, except please make it another nine years." chris d. jackson tweeted: "sorry, but i won't be watching you either." >> jon: okay! maybe not universal. but that was on twitter! everything on twitter gets a backlash! i've seen twitter tell labradoodles to go [bleep] themselves. labradoodles. i just think it's better to deal head-on with what's an apparent issue to people. i mean, we're just talking here! >> and mary trump tweeting, "not

only is stewart's "both sides are the same" rhetoric not funny, it's a potential disaster for democracy." >> jon: it was one [bleep] show! it was 20 minutes! i did 20 minutes of one [bleep] joe! but i guess, as the famous saying goes, democracy dies in discussion. but look, i have sinned against you. i'm sorry! it was never my intention to say out loud what i saw with my eyes and then brain. i can do better. i can has good learning. i can has it. but i don't even know where to start with that. where do i go to study the particulars of unquestioning propaganda? i would need mentorship! >> we're in moscow tonight.

we're here to interview the president of russia, vladimir putin. >> jon: saints be praised! for professor tucker aloysius mayflower kennebunkport backgammon carlson iii has arrived. professor! tell me, what is step one in delivering world-class fealty to power? >> here's why we're doing it. first, because it's our job. we're in journalism. >> jon: lie about what your job is. >> we're in journalism. our duty is to inform people. >> jon: lie about what your duty is. >> americans have a right to know all they can about a war there implicated in.

freedom of speech is our birthright. we were born with the right to say what we believe. >> jon: oh, shit. kudos, sensei. that was deep. i have much to learn. disguise your deception and capitulation to power as noble and moral and based in freedom. yes, master. just out of curiosity, as a student, when you're sitting there interviewing putin, and you don't plan to challenge his utter bullshit, but you don't want that to be obvious, what do you do with your face? oh, i see. okay, so it's not so much a straight face, as much as you convey a mixture of what appears to be shame, arousal, and i'm going to say, irregularity.

for instance, like you're constipated while jerking off to a sears catalogue. been there, haven't you? guy up there is like... the laundry odds, when they were -- now obviously, tucker strategy is going to work when there is some ambiguity to what putin says but what if putin starts saying shit like "world war ii was poland's fault because they forced hitler to invade them." what do you do with that? it's going to be hard. >> after world war i, this territory was transferred to poland, and instead of danzig, a city of gdansk emerged. hitler asked them to give it amicably, but they refused. >> of course. >> jon: of course!

you know, it's so hard to do when your face says "what the [bleep]" and your mouth said "of course." it's so hard! how do you -- all right? how do you do that? by the way, poland started world war ii? why would a country whose navy has submarines with screen doors want to instigate a war? quick history lesson: years ago, for reasons nobody is really sure of, a stereotype emerged that polish people were inept in various ways, including obviously, submarine manufacturing, and even something as simple as the changing of lightbulbs. i don't know actually how many polish people you think it takes to change a lightbulb, but it's certainly less than the conventional wisdom at that time would you tell you. now we know that polish people

are as smart as anyone, and certainly did not deserve to be invaded by the germans, who, of course, accomplished that by marching in backwards, so the poles thought they were leaving. [laughter and applause] i like to give you a little bit of dumb. well, this has been an incredible primer into the delicate dance of speaking "of course" to power. tell me, tucker, does this masterclass include field trips? >> how does russia have a subway station that normal people use to get to work and home every single day that's nicer than anything in our country? there's no graffiti, there's no filth, no foul smells. >> jon: that's a [bleep] nice subway. that's a very -- although, to be fair to the

new york city system, it was constructed in 1904 out of urinal cakes, by the great engineer giuseppi piss-everywhere. but, point taken, it's pretty nice! but the subway, that's one thing! >> so we thought it would be interesting to take a look at a contemporary, modern day, 2024 russian grocery store. >> jon: ooh! go on. >> all right, here we go. so i guess you put in ten rubles here, and you get it back when you put the cart back. so it's free, but there's an incentive to return it and not just bring it to your homeless encampment. [audience reacts] >> jon: i know i've said this before, you're such a dick. [cheers and applause]

really, truly. i didn't realize that america's homeless problem is caused entirely by easy access to grocery carts. "i had all my stuff in my house, i didn't know i could put it on wheels. so much easier!" >> this is the grocery cart escalator. this is designed -- i'm figuring this out now -- where the wheels don't move. they lock on the grocery cart escalator. look, ma, no hands. >> jon: oh, okay, forest! an escalator for grocery carts! and the doors open automatically! oh, mother russia. >> now russia is famous for its bread, which is one thing i can assess pretty well. look at that. it's fresh, too. look at that. oh. come on. mm.

[laughter] >> jon: yeah, [bleep] guy really likes bread... i hate to think what would have happened if he had found a bagel. [applause] but hey, if being a free-speech warrior means you have to bang the occasional sourdough, nasdarovya. but our time is limited. could you drive home the purpose of your deception on this trip in the most cynical way possible, please? >> we didn't pay any attention to costs as we are just putting in the cart what we would actually eat over a week. and we all came in around 400 bucks, about 400 bucks. it was $104 u.s. here.

and coming to a russian grocery store, the heart of evil, and seeing what things cost and how people live, it will radicalize you against our leaders. that's how i feel, anyway. radicalized. >> jon: radicalized! it will radicalize you, unless you understand basic economics. see, $104 for groceries sounds like a great bargain, unless you realize russians earn less than $200 a week. but that's the kind of context that a -- what did you call yourself earlier? a journalist would have provided. but here's the reality, you [bleep] know all this. because you aren't as dumb as your face would have us believe. perhaps if your handlers had allowed, you would have seen there is a hidden fee to your cheap groceries and orderly streets. ask alexei navalny or any of his supporters. >> in vladimir putin's russia, political repression is

everywhere and hundreds have been arrested for daring to honor navalny so publicly. >> jon: right. because the difference between our urinal caked chaotic subways and your candelabra-ed beautiful subways is the literal price of freedom. but the goal that carlson and his ilk are pushing is there is really no difference between our systems. in fact, theirs might be a little bit better! the question is: why, why is tucker doing this? here's why. it's because the old civilizational battle was communism versus capitalism. that is what drove the world since world war ii. russia was the enemy then. but now, they think the battle is woke versus unwoke. and in that fight, putin is an ally to the right. he is their friend. unfortunately, he is also a brutal and ruthless dictator. so now they have to make americans a little more comfortable with that.

i mean, liberty is nice, but have you seen russia's shopping carts? and tucker would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for those meddling assassins. >> in a statement to "the new york times," carlson said, quote, "it is horrifying what happened to navalny. the whole thing is barbaric and awful. no decent person would defend it." >> jon: correct. no decent person would. for more -- oh, please enjoy -- [cheers and applause] for more on tucker carlson's interview with putin, we turn to michael kosta. [cheers and applause] michael, first of all, what an unbelievably embarrassing display of sycophancy from tucker carlson. >> yeah, well, i'm not sure what that means, jon, so i'm going to assume you loved it as much as i did. it made me think that these dictatorships have gotten a bad

rap, which is why i've traveled here to north korea. and as you can see, it's amazing! >> jon: it looks like you're in a candy store. >> well, i am, but this is what the entire country looks like, i'm told! it's a paradise of chocolate bars and sugar canes! i mean, jon, check this out. this bucket of gummy worms here in pyongyang, it costs a nickel. do you have any idea how much this would cost me in the so-called united states? >> jon: i don't know, maybe $20? >> yeah, and who can afford that, besides capitalist american pedophiles? okay? and just look at the technology they have here, jon. check out this amazing contraption. you put -- okay,

you put a quarter in, twist it, and look! gumballs come out! death to america! jon? >> jon: you need to come home come on michael. >> i would like to come about and fortunately, i renounce my citizenship in exchange for these gummy worms. they made them sour on the inside and on the inside, they are sweet! until america comes up with that -- how do we say goodbye in our language? >> jon: michael kosta, everyone. [cheers and applause] when we come back, melissa murray and kate shaw will be joining me. don't go away. [cheers and applause] [traffic noise]

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♪ how many times have i felt this good, ♪ ♪ let me count them for you ♪ ♪ one ♪ ♪ two, three, four, ♪ ♪ five, six, seven, eight, nine, ♪ ♪ ten, eleven, twelve, huh, ♪ ♪ how many times, ♪ ♪ ♪ how many times have i, ♪ ♪ ♪ how many times, ♪ ♪ ♪ how many times have i felt this, ♪ ♪ ♪ how many times have i felt this good ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: hey, everybody, welcome back to "the daily show." my guests tonight --

i love them so much. are law professors and constitutional experts -- elitists -- co-host a podcast about the supreme court called "strict scrutiny." please welcome melissa murray and kate shaw! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ hey, guys! [cheers and applause] now let me first apologize. you have a third, leah litman, who could not be her because of the delicate figuration of the guests but she is in california. i did not want to let that pass. i want to start with a simple question. john oliver has offered clarence thomas a winnebago and a million dollars a year to -- and this is his words not mine -- get the [bleep] off the supreme court. in your court watchers, you are expert on the supreme court,

will he accept this offer? >> i think this is a harlan crow counter offer opportunity. to be when you believe that his benefactor is going to have to ? what do you counter with? it's a beautiful winnebago and a million dollars. is there anything else to life? >> not if you enjoy spending time in the parking lots of walmart, as justice thomas does. >> jon: he says he does but apparently, he likes to quail hunt in a robe. i want to ask you, there is a strategy that is starting to bubble up, which is, getting americans comfortable with authoritarianism and getting us to not think critically about the differences between a free society and not a free society. and in that regard, they are starting to paint trump as navalny, that the trials that he is facing in america are similar or the same as what putin did to navalny. please explain to me why that is horse shit. >> well, we are not experts in russian criminal procedure, but i think it is safe to say that

donald trump is likely receiving more procedural protections right now and the four criminal indictments that he is currently subject to then alexei navalny had in his time in russia. so i think this is not the same situation. >> jon: would you say that donald trump is actually received duer process than most people in america? this guy is clearly on the platinum due process plan. like -- speak with a harlan crow due process plan. >> jon: he is getting -- >> the navalny of processes. >> jon: how is this comparable? >> it's not at all comparable. it is interesting that trump is invoking navalny. it is right to draw comparisons right now but of course, the casting is all wrong. right now, the argument is that trump is making it some of the pending criminal cases against him, he is eventually casting himself as above and beyond they

seeing -- >> jon: i don't think presidents should have complete and total immunity because if you can't kill people, then what fun? >> this is a hypothetical that came up with a lower federal court argument in this immunity case. trump's lawyer was asked and when you saying that a president could order seal team six to assassinate a political rival and a criminal law couldn't get him for that? >> sounds familiar. >> trump's lawyer basically said come on as he's been impeached and convicted first, the criminal law -- >> jon: by the senate and the criminal process. our criminal laws are suspended if you are the president. didn't we fight a war about that? >> we not only fought a war but our whole constitutional structure is designed to prevent consolidations of power. >> jon: checks and balances. [cheers and applause] >> you get an a in our constitutional law classes, jon. >> what kate is describing is essentially very authoritarian forward. the person that donald trump is

is not alexei navalny. it is vladimir putin. >> jon: nuts and he wants to be. that is who we admires. >> in our judicial system's defense come in my mind, over the last three years, it was onf the few institutions in america that actually held pretty strong, and you are frowning at me. you disagree with this. >> well come on our podcast, we take different roles. kate is i think much more amenable to your position. i think i think -- >> jon: hold on one second. >> like, there is something to this. >> i do think there is a way in which courts really did stand as a bulwark against some of trump's worst instincts and impulses while he was in office and even since. 60 plus lawsuits filed around the 2020 election, all unsuccessful. he argued for different versions of immunity in civil and criminal cases previously. those have been unsuccessful essentially throughout. but we are in a real test moment of that proposition in that the supreme court is right now facing this question of whether he will ever stand trial for the

january 6th events sixth events. just be what they grant him blanket immunity, we don't have a republic anymore. we don't have a constitutional republic if the head of it has immunity. the thing i liked about with the court did is they set a standard of evidence. anybody can say whatever they want on basic cable show, or wherever they go or at a rally or anything else but when you bring it into a court, as giuliani famously said, no, we don't have any evidence but we got lots of theories, and they threw them out. >> okay. so that just suggests that the bar is in hell. right? [laughter] >> yes, of course the courts are a bulwark against the most totalitarian impulses in our society but we forget that the court system that we have come this game court we have come of the debates we are having about the supreme court, are all right now the product of what donald trump did. this is a person who was not elected by the popular vote -- >> jon: you are saying these questions would have been utterly unimaginable. >> we are debating whether or

not in the next presidential term we are going to see a national ban on abortion. we would not be having a discussion of donald trump's 63 conservative super majority had not roll back roe vs. wade. >> jon: or the immunity discussion or any of this. >> he has created the conditions for the way we talk about this court. >> jon: and that is the thing that ultimately is at stake in all of this. i want to thank you guys so much for coming on. you are fabulous. check out their podcast, please. "strict scrutiny." new episodes drop on mondays. a fine day to drop them. melissa murray and kate shaw! we'll be right back after this. [cheers

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>> jon: that's our show for tonight! before we go, let's check in with your host for the rest of the week, desi lydic! desi! [cheers and applause] what do you got cooking? what stories will the show be covering this week? >> well, jon, we'll be following the news out of sneakercon, where donald trump has just debuted his snazzy golden sneakers. >> jon: nice. >> yeah, an american treasure, made in china! and not to be outdone, the democrats have announced a new line of limited-edition joe biden [bleep]-me pumps. [laughter and cheering] >> jon: i got to tell you, i think he's going to look incredible in those. very nice. thank you so much. here it is. here is your "moment of zen." >> because i honestly thought he was going to be aggressive and ask these so-called tough questions. so frankly, i did not fully

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[dramatic music] ♪ ♪ - last week, the students of this school participated in the presidential fitness test. i am sad to announce that south park elementary scored the lowest in health and fitness in the entire country. on the whole, you students actually scored fine. but the president's fitness test is scored on a school wide average, and one fourth grader at this school scored so low... with a terrifying body fat score and high blood pressure and the cholesterol levels of a 70-year-old man, that it actually brought your entire school's average down to the lowest in the country. - [yawns] - however, the presidential fitness program never wants to single out one child, because then that child might feel bad, and so as far as we're concerned, you're all a bunch of fat [bleep] pigs.

- uh, could you please use a little different terminology? - sorry...as far as the board is concerned, you're all a bunch of fat [bleep] pigs. and so it is the recommendation of this board that every week, each class will alternate turns giving up their recesses and instead reporting to p.e. [students groan] - all right, fourth grade class, you're up first. we're gonna do some rope climbin'! - god, this sucks! - four weeks we gotta do this? - well, let's just suck it up, guys. all we can try to do is have a positive attitude about it. - all right, mccormick, let's start with you. climb the rope. - [grunting] - ha ha! look at kenny. he's so poor. huh, you guys? his family is so poor, they couldn't pay the $3.99 for the gym outfit! - all right, let's go, broflovski. - [grunting] - ha ha ha ha ha! look, you guys, a jew on a rope! you know what they call a jew on a rope? - all right, cartman, stop ripping on other people to make yourself feel less embarrassed about the fact we're all here because of you.

- hey, whoa, we are here because the average score was low! that's on all of us! - because of you! it's your fault that we have to do this. we have to do this because you're unhealthy. - yeah. we're paying for your being fat. - wow, craig. i can't believe you just went there. here we were, having a perfectly nice conversation about kenny being poor and kyle being a jew, and you just decide to go 9-11 and bust out the "fat" quip. - we are here because of you, eric, so just keep your mouth shut. - oh, my god! why doesn't everyone just back off? i know how this works! you're the 99% ganging up on the 1%! - oh, grow up. - jesus christ! the 99% is totally ganging up on me! - that's what we mean by grow up, dude! stop being a baby! - yeah, why don't you go home and cry to your stuffed animals again? - [gasps] [crying] [sniffles] and then-- and then wendy said that they were the 99%, and i was the 1%, and that made me not cool. [sobbing] [as clyde frog] but, eric, you are cool. i know, clyde frog, but now the 99% is saying everything is my fauuulllt.

[sobbing] [as peter panda] it's not your fault, eric. how can they blame you for what is clearly president obama's fault? [sniffling] what do you mean, peter panda? [as peter] you didn't make that stupid presidential fitness test. obama did! [as polly prissypants] yeah, that's right, eric! you don't need to grow up. you are awesome and cool. thanks, polly prissypants. i'm just so scared that all the kids at school are gonna be talking about me behind my back. [school bell rings] [indistinct chatter] - heh, and so then, skeletor told terminator he wanted a divorce, and apparently it's all gonna be finalized soon. - dude, butters, how many times do we have to go over this? that's not skeletor, it's a woman named maria shriver. - but then why does his face look like that? [doors bang] - what? what? what? what are you guys talking about?

what are you guys doing? what are you talking about? i knew it! you guys are having a big 99% rally, aren't you? occupying the cafeteria? you wanna know why you guys are all here protesting? because you're pissed off, but you actually think it's wrong to be pissed off at a black president, so you're all just pissed off at me! well, go ahead! have your little rally to figure out how to stick it to the 1%-- see what it gets you! [crash] - hey, you know, eric is right. maybe we should form a 99% club. - yeah, it's not a bad idea. if all the students unite, we can work together to fight the s-system! - yeah, the fifth graders agree! we're all being punished for one lazy bitch. let's make him suffer. - all we need is some good, old-fashioned d-d-d-diplomacy. - hello, sir, we are here on behalf of all fourth graders at south park elementary. - ah, yes, the fattie boom ballatie class. how's the extra p.e. treating you? - sir, we believe your fitness system is flawed, and that for 99% of us, it is unfair.

- and what do you want me to do about it? - well, sir, we believe that the 1% should be dropped from the fitness results so that our scores can be more accurate. - [sighs] afraid that's impossible. the national fitness test has very specific standards. no one child can ever be made to feel singled out. we don't even like to use the term physically fit anymore because it can make a student feel un-physically fit, and then that student might end up feeling like a total retard. - excuse me, could you use a different terminology please? - and then that "fourth grader" might end up feeling like a total retard. - sir, all of the students already know who the 1% is. - all you're doing is making the 99% more angry. i warn you, this could turn very ugly. - mom, have you been here all day? - no, sweetie, i've been at the hair salon. why? - somebody's been in my room! [bleep] 99 percenters! what did they take?

- are you sure, sweetie? - am i sure? look at this place! - but who would want to-- - don't you get it mom? people voted for obama, so now that everything sucks, they have to blame me! they didn't take my storm trooper watch. my arkham city game is still here. what else could they have-- oh, my god. clyde frog! - what? - no. no! clyde frog! they took clyde frog! clyde frog! clyde? clyde frog! [suspenseful music] clyde... clyde frog! blah! i've known clyde frog since i was two years old. he was a fighter, a visionary.

but most of all, clyde frog was the perfect friend. he never said anything. he never had his own ideas about what he wanted to do. he just sat there going along with whatever i wanted. a noble trait that seems lost on you 99 percenters. and now we live in a world where one of you has decided to become a murderer. well, whoever you are, i'm sure you're sitting there right now, in your little green hat, with your left cheek resting against your hand, thinking, "i'm not getting away with this, am i?" because, whoever you are, maybe you still have one little piece of humanity left, covered up and tainted black by years of jewish propaganda and left-wing lies. maybe you just-- - shut the hell up, cartman! - got something to say, kyle?! - how do you murder a stuffed animal? - how do you murder a stuffed animal? you tell us, kyle! b-b-but-but let's not get ahead of ourselves. there's still a big investigation to come. and until we prove beyond a reasonable doubt who the killer was, you are all just as guilty as kyle. thank you so much. bagpipes, please. ♪ ♪ ♪ fly, fly little dove ♪ ♪ to the welcome arms of christ above ♪

♪ your tears are finally gone ♪ - where's our $5.00? - fly to--what? - it said in the email, if we came, we each got $5.00. - yeah. - $5.00 has been donated in each of your names to the clyde's law foundation. ♪ fly, fly to christ ♪ [kids groaning] oh, fine, go ahead and leave! i'm gonna find out who did this to clyde, and i'm gonna have your [bleep] balls! ♪ fly to christ ♪ - sir--sir, you remember the kids from that south park elementary school? - oh, yes, the boom boom chubby choom choom school. - they're all protesting outside, saying our system isn't fair to the 99% of them! - oh, my jesus! oh, not a 99% rally! - i sure hope this works! - tom, i'm reporting from the middle of a protest, where two fourth grade students are fed up and have decided to occupy... red robin. occupy red robin has been going on for several hours now, and, boys, technically, i am part of the 99%, so what do i have to say about all this?

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yeah, we know. the dunkings munchkins skewer.

- thank you all so much for coming. i realize that clyde frog's death is as shocking to all of you as it is to me. [as peter] why would somebody do such a terrible thing? [as polly] why would somebody hurt clyde frog, eric? especially because you are so awesome and cool? i know that i'm awesome and cool, polly prissypants, but that has little relevance at the moment to clyde frog's murder. [as rumpertumpskin] let's stop this charade, eric, and let's get down to business. what do you mean, rumpertumpskin? [as rumpertumpskin] we all know who [bleep] killed clyde frog, and she's the same dirty slut who's been [bleep] with us our whole lives! - eric, sweetie, is everything okay? - [as polly] does everything look okay? - [as peter] sit down, you [bleep] bitch. - yes. sit down, mother. we are all having a tea party. - sweetie, i see that you're a little disturbed right now, but maybe you can-- - [as polly] shut your fat pie hole, bitch! [as rumpertumpskin] yeah, you know what you did, skank! you let clyde frog get murdered! - no, rumpertumpskin, i didn't! i swear! - [as marc] then why did you write in your diary

it was probably time for eric to grow out of his stuffed animals anyway? that's an excellent point, muscle man marc. please continue. [as marc] well, all i'm saying, eric, is-- - sweetie, you really can just talk to me if you-- - [as marc] all i'm saying, eric, is that you went through your mom's diary for a reason! - eric, i promise you. i didn't do anything to your favorite toy. whoever did this to you, i hate them as much as you do. and i'd do anything to get to the bottom of it! - so then... we are all going to need some more tea. [spoon clanking softly] [bongos playing] ♪ ♪ - you better give me every cop you got on the south side! i don't care where abc parks their truck, as long as it doesn't block the fire trucks. jesus, this protest is getting out of hand. all right, what exactly are we dealing with? - it's not good. the protest has quadrupled in size since this morning. as you can see from this aerial photograph, the protest now covers almost two square miles. we have riot officers here, here, and here. the media has been contained to this area.

- and where are the actual protesters? - oh, these two people, right here. - how are we going to contain this thing? - i'm afraid it's about to get worse. you see this area here? this is where we're setting up the stage for bon jovi. - bon jovi? - these are good cops. we can't have them standing around for hours without some entertainment! the problem is with this area blocked by napping tents, we have no place to serve the officers beer. - damn it! don't these protesters know what this is all heading towards? full-on class warfare. - [snoring] [crackling] [sniffs] [grunting] what the hell? aah! mom! mom, my room is... - aah! peter panda! [siren and police radio chatter] - the fire started with this. definitely a case of arson.

somebody hates this kid. - don't you touch him! leave him alone! peter panda?! [as peter] eh...eric... don't try to talk, peter panda. you're gonna be okay. [as peter] eric... remember.... to s-s-stay cool... [sobbing] - sorry, kid, we need to take this as evidence. - no! peter panda, no! - the 99 percenters movement continues to grow as more and more americans occupy red robin. i asked some of the people exactly what they hope to accomplish. and, sir, what do you hope to accomplish by this movement? - i like the, uh, a1 peppercorn burger. and they got, um... bottomless fries. - and as the protesters inside red robin unite together, word is that filmmaker michael moore has joined the protesters outside! - i look out at the faces of you protesters, and i see the future of america! we are the 99%!

yeah! [knocking] - hey, dude. are you the guys messing with cartman's stuffed animals? - maybe we are, and maybe we aren't. you got any proof? - well, it's just-- you and your friends were the ones saying cartman needs to suffer. - that doesn't prove anything! that fat little [bleep] is finally getting what's coming to him. - yeah, but, dude, he seriously could have died in that fire. - he's in your class, but you don't deal with him! so we are gonna remedy the situation. we've got big plans! just stay out of our way and let the men handle this! - thank you so much for allowing eric and i to stay here. - of course-- you can't be staying in a home with that much fire damage. - to be honest, we're just a little surprised your son begged you to stay with us. we never knew your son and our son were so close. - i asked little eric where he would feel safest, and he said with his friend token. - this window locks from the inside, right? and this door has a lock on it too? don't worry, polly prissypants, you're gonna be safe here. in this day and age, black people are just impervious to being [bleep] with, so we will be all right.

- why are you involving me in this? - token, please. you're the only person i can trust. because in today's time, black people are somehow incapable of doing anything wrong. [indistinct radio chatter] - breaking news from the "occupy red robin" movement. the protesters have decreased in number from two to one as one of the protesters has apparently splintered off from the group to start a new movement, "occupy the restroom." - tom, occupy the restroom has been going on for almost thirty minutes now. certainly a sign that this country is more divided than ever. these 99 percenters are fed up, and as a result you can clearly see this restroom is... occupied. [toilet flushes] - tom, it looks like the movement is finished, but from the time it took, it must have been a pretty decent-sized movement.

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- [crunching] [remote clicking] - will you stop changing channels and just pick something? - what do you wanna watch, polly prissypants? - this is my room. i'll take the remote from you. - nuh-uh, 'cause i'll tell my mom on you when our parents get home. - you're a guest here. you're mom isn't in charge. - nu-uh, 'cause my house got burned down, so everyone has to feel bad for me. [chiming] - what is that? what is that?! - that's the alarm that someone's in the backyard. - what? who?! - i don't know. - i thought i was safe here! stay there, guys. i'll be right back! who's there? lock that door behind you, token. black people live here! - the motion detector! - ah! - agh! - uhh! ah ha! i knew it was you, kyle! - it's not me! i'm here to help you, fat ass! - oh, sure.

- stop it, cartman. it's true! we came to keep an eye out. steven tamil said he had something really big planned. - steven tamil? the fifth grader? oh, shit! i told you to lock that door, token! no. no, no, no, no! where are they, kenny?! - [muffled] - agh! [lock clicks] - hey, cartman, what the hell are you doing? - i don't trust any of you assholes! where are you sons of bitches?! - all right, guys. you ready? both: ready! - here...we...go! - hey... what are you fifth graders doing? - we are the 83%! we are tired of being punished for the fourth grade class! the fourth grade is sticking it to the other 83% of the school! - now, hold on a second, fellas. if you're the 83%, then our class is only 17%. - yeah, how can the 17% be sticking it to the 83%? - because your class has cartman in it, and he's the 1%!

- but if he's 1% of 17%, then he's .17%. - this is it! the inevitable has happened at occupy red robin! it is full-on class warfare! - and now class warfare is breaking out. apparently it is the fourth grade class versus the fifth grade class. - it's here! class warfare is finally here! - yeah! - hello? [thunder] whoever you are, just give them back! haven't you done enough to me? [bubbling] muscle man marc! aaaah! aah! [thunder] polly prissypants?! rumpertumpskin?! jesus christ! [as rumpertumpskin] eric, don't come any closer! who did this to you? [as rumpertumpskin] you said you wouldn't let anything happen to us! don't worry! i'll get you down! - no, eric! don't come any-- [click, rapid beeping]

[screaming] rumpertumpskin! rumper... [sobbing] rumpertumpskin. why? why did you do this? [as polly] it's okay, eric... it's over now. polly? polly prissypants? you did this? [as polly] don't you see? the kids at school were right, eric. it was time for us to grow up. you got rid of clyde frog. you burned peter panda. [as polly] yes, they're gone. and now we can grow up and be together. they were your friends! [as polly] they were holding us back! all the kids making fun of you at school, saying you're not cool. your stuffed animals all had to be gotten rid of, don't you see? [door knob rattling] - it's dead bolted. token! token, you in there? - polly prissypants, when people find out we did all this,

we're gonna get in total trouble! [as polly] no, i've thought of everything! it all happened here so that everyone will think token did it. all the blame will be on him, and we can live happily ever after! just one problem. you say i had to grow up, to get rid of all of my dolls. you forget one crucial thing, polly prissypants. that nobody would possibly blame token for all this because in today's day and age, you can't blame a black person for anything. [as polly] oh, no. you're totally right! but i thought my plan was perfect! i've failed! i failed you! you have to kill me, eric, so that you don't get blamed. no! i've lost every stuffed animal. i won't lose you too! [as polly] it's the only way now. you have to do it. please. i can't live with myself after what i've done! please, you have to do it, eric. [sniffling] [voice breaking] all right... all right... good-bye, polly prissypants. i love you. [as polly] say hello to the sunrise for me. [sobbing] [gunshot]