i know you've had a tough week, clyde, but at least your mom didn't die for nothing. i mean, we're kind of right back to the bathroom being the last bastion of american freedom, so technically, your mom did die for nothing, but...clyde? clyde? clyde, you there? hello? [toilet flushes] [seat clatters] ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> jon: hey, everybody! welcome! hey! [cheers and applause] i look -- i got to tell you something. these folks who work at "the daily show" are making me look zaddy! sorry. welcome to "the daily show!" i'm your host, jon stewart. captain of this dying medium! [laughter and applause] a gentleman told me tonight, he said, oh, i am so happy to be here. you know, television is dying. i said, i am aware. and in fact, i am contributing to it. you are welcome.

i did have such a good time last week doing the program, and then everybody at comedy central was like, what are you going to do this week? i was like, wait, this week? i did it monday. what am i, a cyborg? come on. but i don't mind because, quite frankly, the response to the first show last monday was... universally glowing. >> jon stewart is facing massive backlash from democrats over his comments about joe biden. olbermann tweeted: "well, after nine years away, there's nothing else to say to the bothsideist fraud jon stewart bashing biden, except please make it another nine years." chris d. jackson tweeted: "sorry, but i won't be watching you either." >> jon: okay! maybe not universal. but that was on twitter! everything on twitter gets a backlash! i've seen twitter tell labradoodles to go [bleep] themselves. labradoodles. i just think it's better to deal head-on with what's an apparent issue to people. i mean, we're just talking here!

>> and mary trump tweeting, "not only is stewart's "both sides are the same" rhetoric not funny, it's a potential disaster for democracy." >> jon: it was one [bleep] show! it was 20 minutes! i did 20 minutes of one [bleep] joe! but i guess, as the famous saying goes, democracy dies in discussion. but look, i have sinned against you. i'm sorry! it was never my intention to say out loud what i saw with my eyes and then brain. i can do better. i can has good learning. i can has it. but i don't even know where to start with that. where do i go to study the particulars of unquestioning propaganda?

i would need mentorship! >> we're in moscow tonight. we're here to interview the president of russia, vladimir putin. >> jon: saints be praised! for professor tucker aloysius mayflower kennebunkport backgammon carlson iii has arrived. professor! tell me, what is step one in delivering world-class fealty to power? >> here's why we're doing it. first, because it's our job. we're in journalism. >> jon: lie about what your job is. >> we're in journalism. our duty is to inform people. >> jon: lie about what your duty is. >> americans have a right to

know all they can about a war there implicated in. freedom of speech is our birthright. we were born with the right to say what we believe. >> jon: oh, shit. kudos, sensei. that was deep. i have much to learn. disguise your deception and capitulation to power as noble and moral and based in freedom. yes, master. just out of curiosity, as a student, when you're sitting there interviewing putin, and you don't plan to challenge his utter bullshit, but you don't want that to be obvious, what do you do with your face? oh, i see. okay, so it's not so much a straight face, as much as you convey a mixture of what appears

to be shame, arousal, and i'm going to say, irregularity. for instance, like you're constipated while jerking off to a sears catalogue. been there, haven't you? guy up there is like... the laundry odds, when they were -- now obviously, tucker strategy is going to work when there is some ambiguity to what putin says but what if putin starts saying shit like "world war ii was poland's fault because they forced hitler to invade them." what do you do with that? it's going to be hard. >> after world war i, this territory was transferred to poland, and instead of danzig, a city of gdansk emerged. hitler asked them to give it amicably, but they refused. >> of course.

>> jon: of course! you know, it's so hard to do when your face says "what the [bleep]" and your mouth said "of course." it's so hard! how do you -- all right? how do you do that? by the way, poland started world war ii? why would a country whose navy has submarines with screen doors want to instigate a war? quick history lesson: years ago, for reasons nobody is really sure of, a stereotype emerged that polish people were inept in various ways, including obviously, submarine manufacturing, and even something as simple as the changing of lightbulbs. i don't know actually how many polish people you think it takes to change a lightbulb, but it's certainly less than the conventional wisdom at that time

would you tell you. now we know that polish people are as smart as anyone, and certainly did not deserve to be invaded by the germans, who, of course, accomplished that by marching in backwards, so the poles thought they were leaving. [laughter and applause] i like to give you a little bit of dumb. well, this has been an incredible primer into the delicate dance of speaking "of course" to power. tell me, tucker, does this masterclass include field trips? >> how does russia have a subway station that normal people use to get to work and home every single day that's nicer than anything in our country? there's no graffiti, there's no filth, no foul smells. >> jon: that's a [bleep] nice subway.

that's a very -- although, to be fair to the new york city system, it was constructed in 1904 out of urinal cakes, by the great engineer giuseppi piss-everywhere. but, point taken, it's pretty nice! but the subway, that's one thing! >> so we thought it would be interesting to take a look at a contemporary, modern day, 2024 russian grocery store. >> jon: ooh! go on. >> all right, here we go. so i guess you put in ten rubles here, and you get it back when you put the cart back. so it's free, but there's an incentive to return it and not just bring it to your homeless encampment. [audience reacts] >> jon: i know i've said this before, you're such a dick. [cheers and applause]

really, truly. i didn't realize that america's homeless problem is caused entirely by easy access to grocery carts. "i had all my stuff in my house, i didn't know i could put it on wheels. so much easier!" >> this is the grocery cart escalator. this is designed -- i'm figuring this out now -- where the wheels don't move. they lock on the grocery cart escalator. look, ma, no hands. >> jon: oh, okay, forest! an escalator for grocery carts! and the doors open automatically! oh, mother russia. >> now russia is famous for its bread, which is one thing i can assess pretty well. look at that. it's fresh, too. look at that. oh. come on.

mm. [laughter] >> jon: yeah, [bleep] guy really likes bread... i hate to think what would have happened if he had found a bagel. [applause] but hey, if being a free-speech warrior means you have to bang the occasional sourdough, nasdarovya. but our time is limited. could you drive home the purpose of your deception on this trip in the most cynical way possible, please? >> we didn't pay any attention to costs as we are just putting in the cart what we would actually eat over a week. and we all came in around 400 bucks, about 400 bucks.

it was $104 u.s. here. and coming to a russian grocery store, the heart of evil, and seeing what things cost and how people live, it will radicalize you against our leaders. that's how i feel, anyway. radicalized. >> jon: radicalized! it will radicalize you, unless you understand basic economics. see, $104 for groceries sounds like a great bargain, unless you realize russians earn less than $200 a week. but that's the kind of context that a -- what did you call yourself earlier? a journalist would have provided. but here's the reality, you [bleep] know all this. because you aren't as dumb as your face would have us believe. perhaps if your handlers had allowed, you would have seen there is a hidden fee to your cheap groceries and orderly streets. ask alexei navalny or any of his supporters.

>> in vladimir putin's russia, political repression is everywhere and hundreds have been arrested for daring to honor navalny so publicly. >> jon: right. because the difference between our urinal caked chaotic subways and your candelabra-ed beautiful subways is the literal price of freedom. but the goal that carlson and his ilk are pushing is there is really no difference between our systems. in fact, theirs might be a little bit better! the question is: why, why is tucker doing this? here's why. it's because the old civilizational battle was communism versus capitalism. that is what drove the world since world war ii. russia was the enemy then. but now, they think the battle is woke versus unwoke. and in that fight, putin is an ally to the right. he is their friend. unfortunately, he is also a brutal and ruthless dictator.

so now they have to make americans a little more comfortable with that. i mean, liberty is nice, but have you seen russia's shopping carts? and tucker would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for those meddling assassins. >> in a statement to "the new york times," carlson said, quote, "it is horrifying what happened to navalny. the whole thing is barbaric and awful. no decent person would defend it." >> jon: correct. no decent person would. for more -- oh, please enjoy -- [cheers and applause] for more on tucker carlson's interview with putin, we turn to michael kosta. [cheers and applause] michael, first of all, what an unbelievably embarrassing display of sycophancy from tucker carlson. >> yeah, well, i'm not sure what that means, jon, so i'm going to assume you loved it as much as i

did. it made me think that these dictatorships have gotten a bad rap, which is why i've traveled here to north korea. and as you can see, it's amazing! >> jon: it looks like you're in a candy store. >> well, i am, but this is what the entire country looks like, i'm told! it's a paradise of chocolate bars and sugar canes! i mean, jon, check this out. this bucket of gummy worms here in pyongyang, it costs a nickel. do you have any idea how much this would cost me in the so-called united states? >> jon: i don't know, maybe $20? >> yeah, and who can afford that, besides capitalist american pedophiles? okay? and just look at the technology they have here, jon. check out this amazing contraption.

you put -- okay, you put a quarter in, twist it, and look! gumballs come out! death to america! jon? >> jon: you need to come home come on michael. >> i would like to come about and fortunately, i renounce my citizenship in exchange for these gummy worms. they made them sour on the inside and on the inside, they are sweet! until america comes up with that -- how do we say goodbye in our language? >> jon: michael kosta, everyone. [cheers and applause] when we come back, melissa murray and kate shaw will be joining me. don't go away. [cheers and applause]

[traffic noise] [text message] let's ace this thing! ♪ ♪ i got you coffee. oh my god, what? you literally read my mind. got you, girl. ♪ dramatic music ♪ [flight attendant alert] [baby crying] [snoring] [luggage rattling] [baby crying] ♪ dramatic music ♪ ♪ upbeat music begins ♪ for everyone who's endured the bad seat, finally, sweet, sweet redemption. the lexus tx. three-row luxury that treats every seat like the best seat. (♪♪)

you're unfreezing me? that means... yes, there's a better wing. popeyes. the sailor man? the chicken place. crispy, juicy! what else has changed? “turn down for what” by dj snake and lil john. here we go. ah! make it stop! haha, you're crazy. two dogs in one? hooray! come to poppa. we did it! love that chicken from popeyes! lay's poppables incoming. requesting more poppables on your six. we are out of poppables. over. tower, resupply, over. affirmative. light and airy poppables inbound. (jet flying) ♪“highway to the danger zone”♪ package received. perfectly poppable lay's poppables. stay golden. need to be at your best? you need an antiperspirant that goes beyond. dove men with 72 hour protection, plus care for your skin. so you can forget your underarms and focus on being unforgettable. dove men.

forgettable underarms. unforgettable you. carl never really thought much of his credit scores. until he got credit karma and used his scores to score more. like this less humble, humble abode. that's what i'm talking about carl. intuit credit karma. download the money app where your hard work pays off. ♪ music playing ♪ [tire screech] ♪ it's time ♪ ♪ to say goodbye, ♪ ♪ goodbye, ♪ [notification sound] ♪ hello ♪ [phew] ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: hey, everybody, welcome

back to "the daily show." my guests tonight -- i love them so much. are law professors and constitutional experts -- elitists -- co-host a podcast about the supreme court called "strict scrutiny." please welcome melissa murray and kate shaw! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ hey, guys! [cheers and applause] now let me first apologize. you have a third, leah litman, who could not be her because of the delicate figuration of the guests but she is in california. i did not want to let that pass. i want to start with a simple question. john oliver has offered clarence thomas a winnebago and a million dollars a year to -- and this is his words not mine -- get the [bleep] off the supreme court.

in your court watchers, you are expert on the supreme court, will he accept this offer? >> i think this is a harlan crow counter offer opportunity. to be when you believe that his benefactor is going to have to ? what do you counter with? it's a beautiful winnebago and a million dollars. is there anything else to life? >> not if you enjoy spending time in the parking lots of walmart, as justice thomas does. >> jon: he says he does but apparently, he likes to quail hunt in a robe. i want to ask you, there is a strategy that is starting to bubble up, which is, getting americans comfortable with authoritarianism and getting us to not think critically about the differences between a free society and not a free society. and in that regard, they are starting to paint trump as navalny, that the trials that he is facing in america are similar or the same as what putin did to navalny. please explain to me why that is horse shit. >> well, we are not experts in

russian criminal procedure, but i think it is safe to say that donald trump is likely receiving more procedural protections right now and the four criminal indictments that he is currently subject to then alexei navalny had in his time in russia. so i think this is not the same situation. >> jon: would you say that donald trump is actually received duer process than most people in america? this guy is clearly on the platinum due process plan. like -- speak with a harlan crow due process plan. >> jon: he is getting -- >> the navalny of processes. >> jon: how is this comparable? >> it's not at all comparable. it is interesting that trump is invoking navalny. it is right to draw comparisons right now but of course, the casting is all wrong. right now, the argument is that trump is making it some of the pending criminal cases against

him, he is eventually casting himself as above and beyond they seeing -- >> jon: i don't think presidents should have complete and total immunity because if you can't kill people, then what fun? >> this is a hypothetical that came up with a lower federal court argument in this immunity case. trump's lawyer was asked and when you saying that a president could order seal team six to assassinate a political rival and a criminal law couldn't get him for that? >> sounds familiar. >> trump's lawyer basically said come on as he's been impeached and convicted first, the criminal law -- >> jon: by the senate and the criminal process. our criminal laws are suspended if you are the president. didn't we fight a war about that? >> we not only fought a war but our whole constitutional structure is designed to prevent consolidations of power. >> jon: checks and balances. [cheers and applause] >> you get an a in our constitutional law classes, jon. >> what kate is describing is

essentially very authoritarian forward. the person that donald trump is is not alexei navalny. it is vladimir putin. >> jon: nuts and he wants to be. that is who we admires. >> in our judicial system's defense come in my mind, over the last three years, it was onf the few institutions in america that actually held pretty strong, and you are frowning at me. you disagree with this. >> well come on our podcast, we take different roles. kate is i think much more amenable to your position. i think i think -- >> jon: hold on one second. >> like, there is something to this. >> i do think there is a way in which courts really did stand as a bulwark against some of trump's worst instincts and impulses while he was in office and even since. 60 plus lawsuits filed around the 2020 election, all unsuccessful. he argued for different versions of immunity in civil and criminal cases previously. those have been unsuccessful essentially throughout. but we are in a real test moment of that proposition in that the

supreme court is right now facing this question of whether he will ever stand trial for the january 6th events sixth events. just be what they grant him blanket immunity, we don't have a republic anymore. we don't have a constitutional republic if the head of it has immunity. the thing i liked about with the court did is they set a standard of evidence. anybody can say whatever they want on basic cable show, or wherever they go or at a rally or anything else but when you bring it into a court, as giuliani famously said, no, we don't have any evidence but we got lots of theories, and they threw them out. >> okay. so that just suggests that the bar is in hell. right? [laughter] >> yes, of course the courts are a bulwark against the most totalitarian impulses in our society but we forget that the court system that we have come this game court we have come of the debates we are having about the supreme court, are all right now the product of what donald trump did. this is a person who was not elected by the popular vote -- >> jon: you are saying these

questions would have been utterly unimaginable. >> we are debating whether or not in the next presidential term we are going to see a national ban on abortion. we would not be having a discussion of donald trump's 63 conservative super majority had not roll back roe vs. wade. >> jon: or the immunity discussion or any of this. >> he has created the conditions for the way we talk about this court. >> jon: and that is the thing that ultimately is at stake in all of this. i want to thank you guys so much for coming on. you are fabulous. check out their podcast, please. "strict scrutiny." new episodes drop on mondays. a fine day to drop them. melissa murray and kate shaw! we'll be right back after this. to duckduckgo on all your devie

duckduckgo comes with a built-n engine like google, but it's pi and doesn't spy on your searchs and duckduckgo lets you browse like chrome, but it blocks cooi and creepy ads that follow youa from google and other companie. and there's no catch. it's fre. we make money from ads, but they don't follow you aroud

join the millions of people taking back their privacy by downloading duckduckgo on all your devices today. happy groundhog day! i brought sam adams cold snap and this groundhog... uh-oh. (patrons screaming) bright. citrusy. perfect for spring. ♪ “it's love” by chris knox ♪ ♪ ♪ i need you ♪ ♪ i need you every single day ♪ ♪ and i want you ♪ ♪ ♪ i want you every single way ♪ ♪ and i need... ♪ businesses go further with 5g solutions. that's why they choose t-mobile for business. pga of america and t-mobile are partnering on 5g-powered analytics to help improve player performance. t-mobile's network helps aaa stay connected nationwide... to get their members back on the road. and las vegas grand prix chose t-mobile to help fuel operations

for one of the world's largest racing events. now is the time to see what america's largest 5g network can do for your business. meet the jennifers. each planning their future through the chase mobile app. hellooo new apartment. one bank for now. for later. for life. chase. make more of what's yours. liberty mutual customized my car insurance and i saved hundreds. that's great. i know, i've bee telling everyone. baby: liberty. oh! baby: liberty. how many people did you tell? only pay for what you need. jingle: ♪ liberty. liberty. liberty. ♪ ♪♪ ♪ every road, that's wrong ♪ ♪ seems like the road i'm on ♪ ♪ every sign ♪ ♪ just seems unclear ♪ ♪♪ ♪ and i, ♪

♪ i wish i was here ♪ >> jon: that's our show for tonight! before we go, let's check in with your host for the rest of the week, desi lydic! desi! [cheers and applause] what do you got cooking? what stories will the show be covering this week? >> well, jon, we'll be following the news out of sneakercon, where donald trump has just debuted his snazzy golden sneakers. >> jon: nice. >> yeah, an american treasure, made in china! and not to be outdone, the democrats have announced a new line of limited-edition joe biden [bleep]-me pumps. [laughter and cheering] >> jon: i got to tell you, i think he's going to look incredible in those. very nice. thank you so much. here it is. here is your "moment of zen." >> because i honestly thought he was going to be aggressive and ask these so-called tough

questions. so frankly, i did not fully enjoy the interview. >> sorry. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪

(general) why are you here? state your purpose! (brad) to find a place to rent! i know renters when i see 'em! (general) who is this guy? (brad) it's the top priority when you move to a new city or galaxy. apartments-dot-com. we could help you get into a lovely... ...one-bedroom? two-bedroom? i don't want to presume anything. (alien 1) shpwah ba zing bop. bleh zee blurgaaa ha. (alien 2) maaaa, grrigy grigit. (brad) i like these guys. apartments-dot-com. the place to find a place. hey all, so i just downloaded the experian app because i wanted to check my fico® score, but it does so much more. this thing shows you your fico® score, you can get your credit card recommendations, and it shows you ways to save money. do so much more than get your fico® score. download the experian app now. so, you've got the power of xfinity at home. do s now take it outside get y with xfinity mobile.

like speed? it's the fastest mobile service around... and right now, you can get a free line of our most popular unlimited plan. all on the most reliable 5g network nationwide. ditch the other guys and you'll save hundreds. get a free line of unlimited intro for 1 year when you buy one unlimited line. and for a limited time, get the new samsung galaxy s24 on us. this is cassie. she never really paid attention to her credit scores until she got credit karma.

and used her scores to score more. like a great rate on an auto loan for some more reliable wheels. intuit credit karma. download the money app where your hard work pays off. need to be at your best? you need an antiperspirant that goes beyond. dove men with 72 hour protection, plus care for your skin. so you can forget your underarms and focus on being unforgettable. dove men. forgettable underarms. unforgettable you. - well, dad, it was really great seeing you.

we'd love to stay for dinner, but the food here gives sharon diarrhea. - what? randy! - shh! just trying to leave without being rude. - hold on, hold on just a second. i got a present for my grandson. come here, billy. you've grown up, billy. it's time for you to have something expensive and flashy to impress all the ladies. - go ahead and open it, stan. oh, look at that. a bolo tie. isn't that beautiful, stan? - that's 14-karat gold with turquoise and real diamonds. - grandpa, how much did you spend on that? - $6,000. - $6,000? - it's worth $50,000. the jewels and gem shopping network said so. - dad, you shouldn't be spending your retirement money on frivolous things. you should be saving it for when you die. that's our money! - it's gorgeous, dad. thank you. oh, and tomorrow is picture day at school. stan can wear it for his photos. - oh, that's wonderful!

that'll make me feel really good. who's stan? - nice bolo tie, stan. - thanks. - bolo ties are really in right now. it's cool you have one. - look, it was a gift from my grandpa, okay? and it cost a lot of money. - no, dude, it's badass. - it happens to be worth $6,000. - that was 6 grand? - yeah, dude. it's a recreation of the bolo tie worn by king henry v. - dude, it's [bleep] gay as [bleep]. - i know. i really wish if my grandpa wanted to give me something, he'd just give me the money. - why don't you take it to one of those pawn places? every two blocks, you see a guy with a sign that says, "cash for gold and jewelry." there must be a lot of people doing it.

- you didn't steal this, did you? - no, my grandpa gave it to me as a present, but it's worth so much, i feel really bad accepting it, so i just want the cash. - it's 14-karat gold, diamond and turquoise. i'll give you $15. - what? that cost my grandpa $6,000. those are real diamonds on the outside. - yeah, i can't really make anything on the diamonds. i'd have to send it to a smelter, have it all smelted down for the gold. probably could make a $10 profit. - 15 bucks? - dude, this guy is trying to rook us. we can go someplace else. - yeah, i'm not getting taken advantage of. - you may suck our collective balls, sir. - don't worry. there's got to be another cash-for-gold place around here somewhere. - yeah, here's one. [bells on door jingle] - these are real diamonds, right? - yeah, dude, you can test 'em. - okay. $8. - this is the same bolo tie worn by king henry v. - $9. - welcome to taco bell. would you like to try our doritos locos tacos? - i want to see how much you'll give me

for this gold and turquoise diamond bolo. - 14-karat gold catch you $14 a gram on the open market. got about 4 grams here. it's not really worth my time. i guess i can give you a six-layer burrito for it. - a six-layer burrito? - you guys don't even make a six-layer burrito. - all right, a seven-layer burrito, but that's as high as i'm going! - dude, my grandpa paid $6,000 for something barely worth anything. how? how does something like this happen? - okay, folks, we are compl-- halfway complete with today's broadcast. you want to get on in on these deals, call now. next item is-- this is item number 45-78111. look at these stunning earrings. these are genuine faux sapphire earrings. 14-karat gold.

86-carat faux sapphire. "faux" is a french word. it's got a "x" in it, but you don't even pronounce the "x." how do you like that for prestigious? these earrings normally go for $6 million. we're gonna sell these today for... [blows raspberries] $320. that's a steal. now--oh, there go the phones. they're lighting up. i believe we have a sale? do we have a sale? yep, let's get her on the line. hello? who am i speaking with? - hello. my name is vivian. - vivian, you just got a heck of a deal. what's your last name, sweetheart? - oh, i-i can't remember. - you can't remember. well, can you remember your credit card number? - 3-7-1-5-- - hold on, vivian. we'll get you on with a rep and take down that number. thanks for shopping with us, and congratulations on the lovely 14-karat faux sapphire earrings. at that price, you practically stole 'em from us.

ouch! - dude, that's terrible! - i told you guys. i've been watching all day. - but how do they get away with that? - this is a new time, a new era of science that only the smartest can comprehend. - what are you talking about? - for centuries, alchemists have tried to come up with the formula to make gold. whoever could do it would, of course, become rich, and now, the chemical equation is right before our eyes. - that's the chemical equation for gold? - that's right. guys with "cash for gold" signs gets you people's unwanted crappy jewelry, which, when added to a cable-based shopping network, divided by demented old people, equals gold. - kenny, will you tell cartman to shut up? - shut the [bleep] up, dude. you're a [bleep] asshole. - oh, i'm an asshole for doing math? - oh, my garsh! can you believe this? somebody's about to get this $20,000 topaz and copper ring for just 4,000 bucks. we've got our buyer on the line. you buying this as a gift, sir? - no, i'm buying it as a gift for my grandson, billy. - grandpa?

[door opens, shuts] - how about that, folks? that is brazilian emerald. finest emerald available. we're letting this one go for $14.95 ez pay. ez pay. we call it that to save you time. e.z. is an abbreviation of "easy." $14.95 ez pay and-- what's that? okay, all right, i just got word, we are dropping the "z" from ez pay. it's now just "e" pay. by using the word "e pay" instead of taking all that time to say, "ez pay," we're saving you a second of time, and those seconds add up. go ahead and try it. say, "e pay" 5,000 times. that's 5,000 seconds. nine hours we just saved you here on j&g shopping network. not wasting your time here. you can't afford not to buy this one. you don't have a lot of time left, literally. pass this one down to your kids, your grandkids. show 'em your life had meaning.

- grandpa. - you see that, billy? that's an emerald on 14-karat gold. don't you think your sister would like that? - she doesn't like jewelry, grandpa. - ha! well, she will one day. she'll appreciate it. she's--she's just a baby, after all. - she's not a baby, grandpa. she's 13. - sally's 13? right. right. boy. billy, did i ever tell you i used to have a border collie named patches? - yes, grandpa. - i loved that dog. she always made me so happy. when she died, i-i didn't let myself get too sad, 'cause i thought-- thought i'd always have the memory of her slobbering, happy face. i can't remember what she looked like, billy. huh. [sighs] - don't worry, grandpa.

i'm gonna take care of this. - hey, craig, what's going on? token, bet your mom has some old jewelry she wouldn't notice missing. bebe! you got those rhinestones in your earrings. how 'bout some walking cash? i can probably offer you-- - whoop! - butters, what the [bleep]? - sorry, my arms hurt. - [mockingly] "my arms hurt." pick the [bleep] sign up, butters! this is a business! - hey, how much will you give me for this? - oh, uh, 3 bucks. - okay. - we got crappy jewelry, butters. now all we need are some old people. i got this $1,000 camera for only $41 on dealdash. dealdash.com, online auctions

since 2009. this playstation 5 sold for only 50 cents. this ipad pro sold for less than $34. and this nintendo switch, sold for less than $20. i got this kitchenaid stand mixer for only $56. i got this bbq smoker for 26 bucks. and shipping is always free. go to dealdash.com right now and see how much you can save. i think we need a bigger yard, with our credit? ow, ow, ow, ow. credit karma can show us how to improve our credit for free, then we can get a place with a bigger yard. yay. intuit credit karma. download the app today.

you can make money the hard way as a bullfighter intuit credit karma. or a human cannonball... or save money the easy way, with xfinity mobile. existing customers can get a free line of our most popular unlimited plan for a year! not only will you save hundreds but you'll also be joining millions who have connected to america's most reliable 5g network. sure is a lot safer than becoming a stuntman for money. get a free line of unlimited intro for a year when you buy one unlimited line. plus, get the new samsung galaxy s24 on us.

- and that's it. we've just sold this bracelet to miss marsha tubbs. marsha, thank you so much for your call. you just got yourself a heck of a deal on this one. you there, marsha? - uh... [horn blaring in traffic] i'm lost. i'm lost, walking on the freeway. - all right, you're lost, walking on a freeway. enjoy the tiger's eye aquamarine bracelet. all ri--okay, what should we do next? oh, i see one. here's a good'un. let me--let me--let me set stage for you here. you're going to that senior's cocktail party. it's bingo night. you're looking for something to wear. how about a 13-carat panzotopanzanite ring? this is--oh, we got a caller already on this one. hello, sir, you must be a fan of panzotopanzanite.

- yeah, hi. um, you should kill yourself. - what's that? - i said, "you should kill yourself." what you do is sort of unjustifiable, and you know it's unjustifiable, and you don't care. you're the definition of evil. kill yourself. - okay, we're gonna sell this ring for just $3,795. how's that? - i just read that the day shopping networks make most of their money is on the day seniors pick up social security checks. kill yourself. - all right, well, you shouldn't say things like that, 'cause some host of a jewelry channel sure might up and do it, and then you'd feel really bad. - no, i wouldn't. - yes, you would. - no, because i really want you to kill yourself. - all right, well, how about this? if a jewelry network host goes home tonight and blows his brains out, you might be liable. that's a lawsuit worth $2.7 million. how does that sound? - i don't care what happens to me. i care about my grandfather,

you morally empty, corrupted maggot. - all right, i tell you what. i'll bring the lawsuit down to $29,39-- - no, no, it doesn't matter what price you put on anything! your only chance to right the wrongs you've done and repay all the elderly people whose lives you've destroyed is to kill yourself. - [clears throat] well, you think it's funny, but that's-- that's calling up and telling someone to kill themself. that's not a joke. - i'm not joking. do it. - okay, next item. next item we're gonna do is, uh, 55-216... uh, 775...5. this is--oh, my god. look at this, you guys. this is 200-carat brazilian emerald and plastecine ring. i'm gonna start the bidding for this ring at, um-- let's see-- $8 billion. $8 billion, opening bid. we've got to sell this ring today. tell you what, i'm gonna take it down a little. we're gonna drop that price to $75.95.

at this price, it's not gonna last for lo-- oh, we got a call already, butters? butters? looks like-- did we sell it? yep. $75.95. that's what the ring just sold for. do we have the buyer on the line? hello? - hello? - yes, you just bought this lovely 200-carat ring. how do you feel, mrs.-- - this is mrs. applebee on 24 palmark lane. - can i ask you something, mrs. applebee? do you like [bleep] little boys? - i'm sorry? - just wondering if you [bleep] kids all the time, 'cause that's what you just did with this deal. you just got an $8 billion ring for $75.95. you [bleep] me good, mrs. applebee. congratulations, ma'am. - thank you. - were you just flipping through the channels and saw me selling this ring and thought, "mmm, i'd like to [bleep] that kid"? - i thought it'd be a lovely gift for my granddaughter jessica. she's captain of the debate team at jefferson high school. - okay, thanks for shopping with us. i gotta go get the taste of old lady dick out of my mouth. - good-bye. - bye. man, that's good acting. i should get an award. [orchestral music] [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ [clinking] [raspberry] [sizzling and bubbling] - do you have any idea what it would feel like to start losing your memories? no, because you don't have someone in your life suffering from alzheimer's! well, i do! - look, kid, if you got a beef with the system, you're talking to the wrong people! all we do is smelter down what we get from the cash-for-gold places. - yeah? well, there's an old hindu saying, "whoever smelt it dealt it!" - yeah! - that's right! - we aren't the ones who denied you what your jewelry was really worth! the hindu saying is actually, "mai nahi chahaata panee." - what does that mean? - "whoever denied it supplied it." [dramatic music] - you are the scums of the earth. old people are victimized by shopping networks, and you kick back in your fat cat mansions, making billions! - we aren't making that much, fellas. - you're not?

- why don't you yell at the people who melt the gold down? the old hindu saying is, "whoever smelt it dealt it." - yeah! - that's right! - nuh-uh. it's, "whoever denied it supplied it." - you got it all wrong. the jewelry that those shopping networks sell don't even come from us. it's all made in india, where those hindu rhymes come from! - what are you saying, gustov? my, god, do you mean-- - that's right. whoever made the rhyme did the crime. [dramatic music] - ♪ suck my balls, suck my balls ♪ [bells on door jingle] hello? - oh, welcome! welcome to discount jewelry store! - yeah, listen. i'm running a resale business, but i can't get enough of people's unwanted, crappy jewelry to keep up, so i'd like to buy some of yours. - oh, you do so good business! you so clever! - i get by. let's see, i'm gonna need some gold necklaces, diamond bracelets, and emerald earrings. - okay. what emerald you like? - uh, i don't know. i guess i'll take that ring there. - oh, you make so good choice! oh, it's beautiful! look, it's beautiful!

[clapping] - and, uh, maybe i'll take that one for $300. - oh, that's best one! you so clever! you take advantage my low prices! - how about that tanzanite bracelet for $9.95? - you got good eye! you so clever! i getting taken advantage! you "rike" a [bleep] asian "rady"? - what'd you say? - i know! you walk by my store and you say, "oh, there's nice asian lady. i think i go in and i [bleep] her!" you asian lady [bleep], you. - wait a minute. how much do you pay for this stuff? - oh, i pay thousands, and you come here and [bleep] me! - okay, quit the act. i'm not [bleep] you, and you know it. - no, no! you [bleep] me! - no, no! you [bleep] me! [bleep] you! giannis: basketball's a very physical sport. there are so many times that i've got hit on the basketball court. marks don't hold you back movement leaves marks. your antiperspirant shouldn't. degree ultraclear. nonstop protection against white marks.

who are you texting? i'm shopping for a car on carmax. a car?! are you sure you can afford it? that's a big purchase! relax! i got pre-qualified and shopped by my monthly budget so i know it's a good decision. unlike jenny's new piercing... ♪♪ [beep-beep] [indian music] - ♪ my balls, my balls, suck 'em dry ♪ ♪ ♪ [clears throat] - oh, sorry. sorry.

- you see, i'm looking to cut out the middleman. i want to buy my jewelry direct from you so that-- mother[bleep]! - you should be ashamed of the people in america that you are exploiting! how dare you take advantage of those less fortunate! - you dirty, double-crossing assholes! you trying to cut me out, huh? you guys stole my formula, then tried to [bleep] me-- butters! - sorry! - and then tried to [bleep] me out of your business! - we're not [bleep] you! they're [bleep] stan's grandpa! - no! they're getting [bleep] by asian ladies! - somebody is at the head of all this, and somebody needs to pay! all i want is some goddamn retribution for my goddamn grandpa! no! not a diamond and gold necklace! - what's he doing? [quirky vocal music] ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

[tempo picks up] ♪ ♪ [song ends] - oh, yeah. actually, this might kind of work. so then, we went to india, which is pretty cool, i guess-- never been there before-- and we basically learned that whoever smelt it, denied it, and rhymed it actually dealt it. - ah, sounds like you had a fun weekend. - yeah, i guess so. anyway, grandpa, i wanted to give you something.

- oh, for me? oh. my god. there she is. old patches. there's that slobbering, happy face. thank you, billy. that means a lot. billy, that--that bolo tie you're wearing? - yeah? - i don't know where you got that, but it's [bleep] gay as [bleep]. - cool, i-i won't wear it anymore. - that's a good idea. - folks, these are not your average peridot craponite earrings. these are 18-karat gold, and we got--oh, do we have a buyer on the line? hello? - what are you waiting for? kill yourself. - all right, goddamn it, we got another comedian. ever since that little kid called up, now everybody wants to call and tell me i should kill myself. - he was right. do it. - folks, this is an 800 number.