oy! oy! could, uh... could i play? sure. you can play. great! [ drumming ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> jon: boom! hey, everybody! welcome! welcome! welcome to "the daily show!" i am your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause] this is number three! the third episode! this is my third episode! the first two, very controversial! a lot of discourse around it. a lot of carping back and forth. a lot of anger. a lot of commentary. tonight, i am done with it. tonight is perhaps an amuse-bouche. a trifle. something light! tonight, we discuss israel-palestine. [cheers and applause] are we -- who wrote this?

well, i legally have to read what's in the prompter. so here we go. we're going take a look in our new and probably never-ending segment... ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] yes! somehow, the audience knew. but tonight! we discuss israel-palestine... >> any discussion of israel and palestine is not meant to endorse or justify all the actions of either side. mentions of hamas that fail to condemn hamas do not mean we don't condemn hamas. do not listen to this segment if you are predisposed to antisemitism or islamophobia. common side effects of discussing the middle east are depression, anxiety, infections of the perineum, and craving hummus. [cheers and applause] >> jon: well, folks, this is an awful situation. we're coming up on five months of a brutal bombing campaign brought on by a horrific massacre and hostage taking, and

we seem no closer to ending anything but the reigns of a couple of ivy league presidents. well, this weekend, israeli prime minister benjamin netanyahu finally laid out his plan for peace. >> benjamin netanyahu is calling for complete demilitarization of gaza, as well as israel taking over security and controlling entry and exit points to gaza. >> jon: so your peace plan is a siege. a military siege. you really think a military solution ends this cycle? >> victory is within reach. and you can't have victory until you eliminate hamas. >> jon: but -- oh, okay. but your plan to eliminate hamas by destroying all of gaza, eh, doesn't that just make more hamases?

is that the plural of hamas? hamasi? i mean, it's an idea. palestinian liberation is an idea. unless you have a bomb that kills ideas... do you have a bomb that kills ideas? i mean, how long would it even take to bomb the shit out of an idea? >> the intense phase of the fighting is weeks away from completion, not months, weeks away from completion. >> jon: oh, dear god. if you insist on this plan, if you think that ends hamas, i believe we in the united states have a banner you can use. [applause] it is a little wind damaged, but equally delusional. look, the united states is israel's closest ally. israel's big brother in the fraternity of nations. israel's work emergency contact.

maybe it's time for the u.s. to give israel some tough moral love. >> this is shameful. >> there has to be accountability for these war crimes. >> no targeting civilians in war. >> stop the war crimes and the atrocities and end the war today. it could happen right now. >> jon: "right now!" thank you! these atrocities -- [cheers and applause] sorry, i'm being told that's the administration was talking about russia bombing ukraine. i apologize. also a war crime. but i'm sure they're giving equally stern advice to israel. >> the biden administration is urging israel to be much more careful, to be more cautious. >> how israel does this matters. >> israel must do more to protect innocent civilians. >> we want to see the government of israel take steps to minimize civilian harm. >> be more surgical and more precise. >> be more careful.

>> jon: hey, israel... take it down a notch. could you please be more careful with your bombing? it is good advice. but really, couldn't the united states have told israel that when we gave them the bombs? that's like your coke dealer coming over with an eight-ball and going, "don't stay up all night." "sleep is very important. you got to sleep. we don't want to -- and breakfast is an important part of the day." look, the israeli position doesn't seem so tenable. perhaps i can find some diplomatic leeway in the hamas position! >> israel is a country that has no place on our land. we must remove that country. >> does that mean the annihilation of israel? >> yes, of course. >> jon: i cannot find diplomatic leeway in the hamas position!

[bleep]. well, this is when we need the world, the civilized world of nations to come together and stop this madness. >> a resolution calling for an immediate ceasefire in gaza has just failed to pass. >> a u.n. security council has been vetoed. >> russia and china used their veto against an american resolution condemning hamas. >> immediate cease-fire in gaza has failed. >> western nations voted against it. >> it was delayed four times this week. >> draft resolution has not been adopted. >> jon: why do you even have a [bleep] building? why? we could use that! we have a housing crisis! give us your [bleep] building! [cheers and applause]

what is -- what is the united nations even? what are you, just a support system for a diverse and pleasing food court? what are you? [laughs] that cannot be the u.n.'s food court, by the way. that is clearly just a mall in long island. doesn't anyone care about the suffering of these civilians? what about a good neighbor? saudi arabia? >> the palestinian cause is the arab world's most important cause. >> i want to see really a good life for the palestinians. >> jon: thank you, saudi arabia! thank you. and while saudi arabia does not accept palestinian refugees -- and egypt doesn't either, for that matter -- the saudis are the richest country in the region, and have given... oh, this can't be right: on average, about $200 million a year to the palestinians?

jesus, are you [bleep] kidding me? the saudis have given just as much money to phil mickelson! is that true? [applause] i assume to promote the equally important cause of the mickelsonian people. so israel, the united states, the united nations, the arab nations, no one seems to be incentivized to stop the suffering of the innocent people in this region. i didn't want to bring this up. but there is another player. a small religious start-up out of bethlehem. i think it might have began as a carpenter's union. but has gotten big. do they have a plan for the middle east? >> there will be the battle of armageddon. jesus christ is going to sweep over that battlefield and to annihilate that army of 200 million people.

the blood will flow to the bridle of a horse. >> jon: so that the plan for the prince of peace? i am not an equestrian expert. but if the blood goes all the way to the bridle... that's an enormous amount of blood, no? unless, are we talking about the mini-horses? because that's still -- it's a lot of blood, but more manageable. and adorable. [cheers and applause] look, i think we have to get real here. the status quo cycle of provocation and retribution is predicated on some idea that one of these groups is going to go away. and they are not.

if we want a safe and free israel, and a safe and free palestine, we have to recognize that reality. and i know there is a twisted and much-contested history in the region that has brought us to this point, but we are at this point. and anything we do from here has to look forward. so tonight, lucky you, i'm going to do that. with not one, not two, but three solutions for peace! number one. >> along the shores of pleasant lake in maine, 95 israeli and palestinian teens are trading rockets for rackets. the goal of seeds of peace is to open these young minds. >> jon: okay, that one hasn't been scaled up yet and may take longer than we have. unless we just bring the whole

[bleep] region to maine? how fast can we make 14 million rackets? but that's just my opening offer! that was just one peace plan, people! don't abandon me yet! number two! let's just ask god. it's his house! he's the one who started all this! just ask god. he can tell us who's right! is it the jews, is it the muslims? is it the zoroastrians? if it's the scientologists, a lot of us are gonna have egg on our faces. but given god's lack of communication over this past, let's say, millennia -- [laughter] here's another one. and heaven forbid, i actually think this last one could work. starting now:

no preconditions, no earned trust. no partners for peace. israel stops bombing. hamas releases the hostages. the arab countries who claim palestine is their top priority come in and form a demilitarized zone between israel and a free palestinian state. the saudis, egypt, uae, qatar, jordan, they all form a nato arrangement guaranteeing security for both sides! obviously they won't call it nato, it's the middle east treaty organization. it's me too! tweet it out! tonight, people! let's get this region me-too-ed! now obviously, i haven't worked out the exact verbiage, but anything is better than the

[bleep] cycle we have now. because, honestly, what's the alternative? >> the trumpet of god sounds and the rapture happens. we're gone. in the twinkling of an eye, we're just simply not here. >> jon: poof, indeed, sir. poof, indeed. when we come back, murtaza hussain and yair rosenberg will be joining me on the program and fixing everything i said. don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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i told you guys! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ welcome! you know, audience, very rarely do you get a standing ovation for the guests. but clearly, they think, muslim and jew? sitting next to each other? how can that be? thank you, both, for being here. you are both obviously, you are american writers that write a lot about the middle east. the peace plan, the stewart plan as i call it, the metoo plan, and murtaza, we will start with you. how unrealistic is that? it is similar to a 2002 arab league resolution. why? why can't this happen? >> you know, it is not a bad idea. and on paper -- >> jon: we are going to cut here. thank you so much, murtaza! so appreciate that. >> the problem is, i write about u.s. foreign policy, especially in the middle east. and i feel the consistent theme

here is that when we give blank checks to countries which are clients or partners, we enable their worst tendencies or their worst behaviors. in this case, you mentioned the arab peace plan. in 2002, the arab league offered israel full political, economic, diplomatic normalization in exchange for the main crux of it is creating a palestinian state in the 1967 borders which is in line with international law and so forth. they reiterated this plan many, many times including recently. it is not just the arab world. the broader muslim world. i interviewed the pakistani ambassador to the u.n. a few weeks ago. he told me that pakistan, indonesia, other large population muslim countries would be willing to normalize with israel but they do not want the palestinians to be thrown under the bus. there needs to be a two-state solution in their view, creating states in those lines, and without that, that cannot be. the israeli government has never responded to this deal. it hasn't even rejected it. it has refused to engage. the main reason, they have the u.s. as a guarantor, whatever they do, they will have the

superpower backing. many people in israel want the west bank. and the israeli government, benjamin netanyahu has bragged that he has stopped the palestinian state from coming into existence. because they have this backing, they don't need to compromise. >> jon: yair, you probably have a slightly different interpretation of that peace plan and also what we laid out here. >> yeah, i think again, the idea is actually a pretty good one, which is that it puts a third party in between these two parties. >> jon: that is what seems like has to happen. >> that would be the referee. the problem is, is that, as you showed in the monologue, the arab states are willing to talk a big game. the united states, sometimes, depending on the administration will talk on the big game but no one wants to put their own troops down there. can you imagine america under democratic presidents who are retrenching for the middle east, trying to get out of the forever wars? the arab countries are no different. they will give a token amount of money and try to make it go away. so that is, i think, the fundamental flaw here. i will say, if you took away u.s. backing and said, israelis,

we will put some other people on your border, particularly arab states, and they will be the guarantors of your security, the israelis wouldn't say, i guess we don't have the americans, we will pack it up. >> jon: right. nobody is going anywhere. >> this is a country that is full of people who fled other countries, including those arab countries because they were persecuted, killed, dispossessed. half of israelis are of middle eastern origin. >> jon: but two diasporas don't make a right. >> of course not but they won't trust that. [cheers and applause] >> jon: let me push back for just one second. we get into this litigation of, well, the palestinians and the arab state, they proposed something very reasonable to the israelis but the israelis wouldn't do it. the israelis say, we don't have a partner for peace. we proposed something very reasonable but they didn't do it. doesn't it appear that no party is incentivized to fix this at the peril and detriment to the palestinian people?

you know, the act of the two of you sitting here having this conversation is almost rebellious or revolutionary in the current moment. how do you counsel americans in this moment to be able to not lose so many facebook friends? when it comes to all of this? is there any advice that you guys have? >> the back story of the two of us is that we've been having these conversations for something like ten years. and the further back story is that we reached out to each other on twitter because we both realized that we shared a lot in common about how we approach the world that we had very different opinions on issues like these. that is how we became friends and some ten years ago, is it? >> it is something like that. [cheers and applause] >> we have been doing this in kosher restaurants because for sunni muslims, many of them, kosher meat is halal, and i will take murtaza to a kosher restaurant and introduce him to it. we will have conversations like this.

jon is interloping. we decided to let him come. >> we let him pay the check. >> what it is, we refuse to let ourselves or our communities to be held hostage to a conflict thousands of miles away that we may not be able to fully resolve or fix but we can have an impact about how we treat each other here. the other thing i would say is that we are both journalists and one of the thing that motivates us is our pursuit of truth and what is true. we share that even when we disagree. it is because we came to different perceptions and we really believe the other is honest. >> yeah, it's well said. ultimately, as yair mentioned, we are journalists. we seek out people's perspectives who are different from you, who see the world from a different view. that's how you learn about the world a little bit. i think you have to say that it's easier for us too because we are not israeli and palestinian. we are american. both of us know people, family who have been killed recently, many dozens in some cases in gaza recently. and that emotional component, you can compartmentalize it when you are not so directly

involved. we look at it too on an american perspective, two different sides of the issue in some sense. but we are able to have that conversation which is constructive. what i would say, i can accept any palestinian's view or any israeli's view when they are so intimately involved. but i can never respect a bloodthirsty american. that is the only person i can never respect. [cheers and applause] >> jon: it is, you know, i have said this for many years, one of the biggest issues i have with american foreign policy is how cavalier it is about the destruction that so many of our policies have had internationally. even something as simple as, we had a big issue with burn pits with iraqi war veterans and afghan war veterans. and we talked a lot about getting them the help they need here, but the thing nobody ever talked about was, what this did to the environment in iraq and afghanistan. we left. and i think our policies often times are cavalier to the destruction that occurs.

>> i've reported from iraq and i met so many people whose family members were killed by the u.s. military or by the violence that took place at that time, also very elevated rates of cancer, other indirect causes of war. it is kind of forgotten, actually. their lives go on. but the impact that we had in a very cavalier moment, to us, with the news cycle, it moves on. but those memories stay and it impacts our ability to operate, how we are viewed they are in the future. so it is something which has made me very pessimistic about u.s. foreign policy in the sense is that at the end of the cold war, there was an optimistic view, we can make the world a better place. i think that is true in some cases but i am a lot more hesitant to get the u.s. deeply involved because there is a very negative track record. >> jon: i think there is a mythology sort of around the marshall plan and after world war ii, we were at war with germany and japan and we threw a bunch of money at it. now we are the best of friends and they buy our cars and we buy their cars and it is all lovely, and all it takes is a little bit of money and some american know-how and we can turn the

world into allies. i think we might have learned the wrong message from all of that. >> i'd also say from reporting on the world myself, when you talk to people, this can have the wrong impact, if you have a great mythology about yourself and how you fix the world's problems, then some people will say, how can the americans not fix this problem? >> jon: they believe us? >> people believe us. >> jon: son of a -- >> i will say to them, there are tremendous numbers of incredibly while serving people serving our country trying to do the stuff but it is just really hard. it is the story that we have told and people really expect us to make good on it. they are impossible promises that we can't keep. >> jon: how do you guys negotiate this pragmatic view within your own families? i know within -- there is no -- i can't get five jews to agree on anything at dinner. how do you negotiate that within your own families? >> i think there is the personality type that tries to really hear where people are coming from and -- >> jon: how do you get one of

those in your family? >> sheer dumb luck or your dad is a rabbi, in my case. that is what you do as a rabbi, you are trying to understand where everyone in the audience is coming from. your synagogue can be diverse and there are people with different political and ideological perspectives and how do you tell them the truth and stay true to that? while also saying, speaking to each of them. and there are others who feel like, what is the hardest, sharpest, best viral slogan i can use on twitter to own the other side? by the way, when you were younger, we were like that. >> i was much more hotheaded when i was younger. >> jon: really? you guys seem the opposite of hotheaded. >> we aged a lot. >> jon: i want this as my screen saver. this is so calming to me! [cheers and applause] what about you, let me ask again this, that brings me to the point. what mitigated the rashness? was it just youth? what got you guys less visceral? >> i think getting older is one aspect of it but also, reading a

lot of books, trying to see, travel has a big impact, keeping an open mind. trying to treat others consistently as you want to be treated, keeping that golden rule in mind as well too. i will tell you, you mention family, it is interesting. i have had conversations with family. my family is very spread out over the world and experiences can be very resonant with people. i have an uncle who lives in pakistan and he was very critical of the u.s. war in afghanistan. he thought it was very, very bad. he said, he visited kabul, that is what put this in mind. there is nothing that is being built here, it is all falling apart, didn't make anything good from their presence here, it is very exploitative. then he visited new york one day and he visited the subway system and he is like, now i get it. [laughter] [applause] it's not that they did it on purpose. they just can't do it. >> jon: that is hilarious. >> this is what we are getting to the jokes portion, which is hard in this topic. >> jon: very hard.

>> people ask me, how do i conceptualize, hamas has "the new york times" says that hamas has 350-450 miles of tunnels under gaza. to think of it this way, it would cost new york city $648 quadrillion, over 268 years to build that much tunnel. it is just a really -- >> jon: we can always raise the price to $1.50 a ride. >> problem solved. >> jon: $2 a ride. i appreciate you both so much for coming on and having the conversation, i really just admire both of you, not just for having this conversation, but your journalism as well. it is really fantastic. thank you, both. murtaza hussain and yair rosenberg. [cheers and applause] really, really good. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: all right, everybody, that's our show for tonight! but before we go, let's check in with your host for the rest of the week, michael kosta! michael! [cheers and applause] people are clamoring for you. what are the stories you are going to be covering this week? >> well, we're gonna be covering the big political event in this country, jon. president biden is taking a trip to the border on the same day that donald trump is taking a trip to the border. the question, jon, is, which border? so tune in this week to find out. thanks, everybody. [cheers and applause] >> jon: you don't need to -- i am pretty sure -- i am pretty sure it's the u.s.-mexico border.

so i don't think i'm going to -- >> dude. spoiler alert. spoiled. it is just -- >> jon: michael kosta, everybody. [cheers and applause] he'll be all right. anyway. so i know we are only three episodes into this, but if you'll indulge me, i want to tell you a little bit of a story. about 12 years ago, maybe 13 years ago, my kids wanted to raise a little money for an animal shelter down in new york city. it is an incredible animal haven, the name of it. to do incredible work. it is a no kill shelter for cats and dogs. [cheers and applause] yet, please. they are amazing. so they were six, seven years old. so we baked a couple of cupcakes and rolled on down to animal haven and set up a little table right outside and put the cupcakes out and as a little extra incentive, they brought

out this oneish year old brindle pit bull, who -- [bleep] -- got hit by a car in brooklyn and lost his right leg. i thought i would get further. [sniffling] so it was a perfect idea. they put the dog in my lap and... we left that day feeling really good we had helped this great organization. [crying] and we also left with this oneish year old pit bull. we called him tipper. and in a world of good boys, he was the best. [crying]

he used to come to "the daily show" every day. he was part of the og "the daily show" dog crew. parker, tipper, riot, they were the ogs in the office. and he would wait and we would take their show, and he would wait for me to be done and he met actors and authors and presidents and kings. and he did with the taliban could not do, which is put a scare into malala. >> oh! [laughs] >> sorry, malala. >> it's okay. [applause] >> jon: dipper passed away yesterday.

[audience reacts] he was ready. he was tired. but i wasn't. and the family, we were altogether, thank goodness, we were all with him. but boy, my wish for you is one day, you find that dog. that one dog. that just -- [crying] is the best. here is your "moment of zen." >> we are is your ball? it your bowl get your ball.dipper, who's got? where is your ball? who's got the ball? come on! who's got the ball? who's got the ball?

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[ video game beeping ] see, stan? you gotta choose if you wanna be in gryffindor or slytherin. yeah, can i do it? yeah, see, you gotta fight these fairy guys. randy. [ beeping continues ] randy! the powder room toilet is broken. again! did you jiggle the handle? yes, i jiggled the handle. will you come fix this, please? okay, okay. [ beeping continues ]

huh, well, let's see. it's gotta be the little black floaty thingie. what'd you do to it? i didn't do anything. lemme see if there's water in the bowl. no! don't lift the lid. why can't i lift the lid? don't, randy! uh-huh. hey, guys! your mom took a shit and doesn't want me to see it. ew! gross, dad! randy! we need to get a new toilet. we can't just get rid of ol' blue, sharon. this is embarrassing. it's the powder room toilet, the one guests use. you get a new toilet, randy, or i'm not helping you sell weed anymore! alright, alright. sharon, you win. as usual. poor ol' blue. [ indistinct conversations ] can i help you with anything? oh, yeah, just lookin' for a new toilet to replace ol' blue. alright, well, all our toilets here are standard bowl, come with full warranty. how much you looking to spend?

well i'm not poor. i happen to have my own weed business. so that's pretty much the nicest one you have, right? yeah, that's probably the top model, you know, before you start getting into the japanese toilets. japanese toilets? yeah, they're the sort of the super-high-class luxury models with all the bells and whistles. but you probably don't wanna spend that kind of money. i'm not poor. oh, well, we can show them to you. the japanese toilets are right over there. hi, rick. this gentleman would like to see the japanese toilets. well, of course, sir. my name is rick. let me know if there's anything you need. these toilets are all equipped with the highest-end features, including an automatic bidet system, bluetooth capability, and seat warmers. seat warmers? of course. and the toilet senses when you've come into the room, turns on a small light, plays welcome music, and raises the lid for you. can i offer you come sparkling water or champagne? oh, sure, i'll take some champagne.

all the toilet's functions are operated by a touch-button remote which you mount where the toilet-paper roll used to go. so then where do you keep the toilet paper? with a japanese toilet, you don't need toilet paper. the toilet washes you completely clean. you're mad. no, it's true. it has warm water and a dryer and cleans you eight times better than toilet paper can. would you like to take one for a test drive? oh, uh, sure. i did have kind of a big breakfast. right over here. [ new age music plays ] ♪♪ ♪ oh, yeah ♪ ♪♪ ♪ i, i, i ♪ oh. ♪ oh, yeah ♪ [ water running ] whoa!

ooh. oh, oh! oh. ahhh! oh, oh! [ chuckles ] [ farts ] [ farts ] [ button beeps, water running ] ohh! oh. [ button beeps, toilet flushes ] okay, how much? guys, i wanted to talk to you because i want you all to think about how we're viewed as a family. you know, as a prominent weed dealer, we are successful, and we're sort of looked up to in this town because we have nice things that most families can't afford. i mean, stan, you're playing "hogwarts legacy" on ps5, right? you're playing "hogwarts legacy" on a ps5. yeah, my -- my point is that most people in town don't even have a ps5. they still have ps4s, and so we're basically the kennedys of south park. and the plain fact is that well-off families

have nice things, and we shouldn't be ashamed of that. [ doorbell rings ] ohp! new toilet's here! hajimemashite. japanese torei des! uh, yes, thank you. bring it on in. delivery men: kyo fun yori! kro fun yori! kyo fun yori! kro fun yori! kro fun yori! that's the new toilet? how much did it cost? oh, sharon. tennish. what's tennish? tennish. thousandish. ten thousandish. you spent $10,000 on a toilet?! we don't have that kind of money, randy! yeah, we do. shitsurei shimasu! owarimashita. okay, yeah, right here? okay. [ boots clomping ] doomo! aringanto gozaimashita! together: aringato gozaimashita! k, thanks. you are taking that back to the store. try it, sharon.

i don't need to, randy. i want -- try it, sharon! [ new age music plays ] ♪♪ [ button beeps ] ♪ oh, yeah ♪ oh. oh. ♪ i, i, i ♪ [ button beeps ] oh! ohh! ah-ha-ha! i wanna try it. shhh! ah-ho-ho! ohh! [ bell rings ] oh, look, there he goes. it's mr. big shot. hey, richie rich. you eating caviar for lunch today, richie rich? stan, just so you know, nobody gives a shit. about what? come on, guys! did you know some people can't even afford to eat? how about caring for something that matters, you bitch?

what the [bleep]? hey, stan, you really have to be careful. of what? look, it's great that you come from a wealthy family, but people don't like getting their noses rubbed in it. dude, i haven't even said anything! well, your dad called everyone last night and told them you have a $10,000 toilet. what?! well, thanks for having us over for brunch, randy. yeah, what's the special occasion? oh, you know, just good times with dear friends. does anyone need to go to the bathroom? uh, no, i'm -- i'm good. oh, maybe some more coffee, then. can you guys believe all the snow we've gotten? yeah, maybe it will actually help with the drought. let's hope so. does anyone need a bathroom break? well, actually, i-i think i could use the restroom. that was kind of a big breakfast. oh! oh, yeah, sure! it's, uh -- it's right across the hallway. right there. excuse me. [ new age music plays ]

butters' dad: oh. what was that? oh, that's the welcome music for my japanese toilet. i've heard of those. aren't they expensive? yeah, a bit. but for those of us who can afford it, it's well worth it. [ button beeps ] oh! ohhh! ohhhh! he's now turned on the rear jet, which cleans your bottom with warm water. oh. ohhh! ah! that's the front washer that washes your balls, or vagina. [ farts ] if you think about it, a dry piece of toilet paper can't clean you half as well as pressurized water. i feel bad that most people have to walk around with fecal matter on their anus, but i'm just lucky i've sold enough weed to be able not to. but was it really luck? or was it hard work? heck, i don't know, but you know -- dad, can i talk to you?! stan? you're back from school already? i need to talk to you right now! the [bleep] are you doing?! [bleep] are you doing? you need to stop gloating to everybody! i am not gloating. yes, you are, and now kids at school

are calling me richie rich! they are? nobody cares about your stupid toilet and you're acting like a jerk. you're stupid. i'm acting like a jerk because i'm trying to help people?! how are you trying to help people, dad? because the people don't know that these toilets are awesome, and i'm just, like, the well-respected guy who's trying to open people's eyes like jfk. you are not like jfk! you're just showing off! nu-uh, i'm like jfk 'cause i am trying to change things! you're part of a very respected family, stan. you should start acting like it. okay, who's next?

harris: i promise we're doing all we can. i'm sorry for what happened, but you need to leave it to the professionals. there's something more going on here. i think my dad was on to something and i didn't listen to him, and now he's in a hospital. we've already got a few leads and we're following up on all of them. i assure you we take this all very seriously. this isn't a joke to us.

-chief, hey, chief! -yeah? an angry proctologist walked in to the toilet section of home depot. [ chuckles ] y-yeah? proctologist says to the toilet manager, "i ain't taking the fall," and pulls a gun on six japanese delivery men. [ chuckling ] okay. so, then, the six japanese delivery men show up, and the proctologist has everyone held hostage and says he's not taking the fall for the randy marsh shooting. oh, shit, this is actually happening?! come on people let's go! [ radio chatter, siren chirps ] i ain't going down for this! you got that, coppers?! i didn't shoot anybody! but if i'm going down, i'll take these careless bastards out with me! would you like some sparkling water or cham-- [ gasps ] get -- get outta here! come on out. there's no other way, we have you surrounded. i didn't shoot randy marsh! -taihen! -nobody's saying you did! no, but they're gonna use me as their scapegoat! they'll fix things like they always do! -who will? -they'll use their lawyers and their power to make it all go away!

just like they did back when that 2nd grade kid wrote a story in the school paper about toilets two years ago! they'll take me out, too! [ cocks gun ] there's no stopping them! don't do it! [ gunshot ] sabishiiiii! aww! alright move in! secure the area. 2nd grade kid two years ago... wrote about toilets in the school news paper. you weren't warning me about people getting upset. you know more about this. hey! you wrote a story in the school paper and someone came after you! yeah i wrote a story, big deal! jimmy, i want to know who shot my dad! they took everything from me, stan. my bike...my cat... they were gonna sue my parents for what i wrote in the school paper. you're talking about the toilet paper companies. who has the most to lose? it's all toilet paper, stan!

follow the money! 140 rolls per american per year. factories pushing out roll after roll while razing earth's resources. all of this for an unsanitary product that has been proven to contribute to anal fissures. don't you get it, man? paper doesn't clean bacteria. it can't stop viruses. with all that information, you'd think the world health organization would do studies to find alternatives. so why don't they? because toilet paper is an industry worth billions and b-billions of dollars. kimberly-clark, georgia-pacific, procter & gamble. they don't want japanese toilets in america and they have the power to stop them, and to stop you. i can't believe they shot my dad... because he wanted to change things. these people have deeper pockets than you can possibly imagine. they can destroy everything you love, stan. take my advice... don't. squeeze. the charmin. you might be too scared jimmy, but i'm a marsh.

♪♪ my fellow americans... we have been coerced and brain washed. while the rest of the world walks around with cleaner buttholes, we are obsessed with dry paper sold to us by billion-dollar corporations. -yeah. -hey, yeah, he's right! my father wanted everyone to see that there were alternatives. but they don't want him talking about alternatives! yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah! and we can't be blindly buying their products anymore. and as a town, we will find alternatives, and we will not be afraid to -- stop! stop! we're not doing this! dad! everyone just stop, we're not doing this. thank you. south park, uh, we-we're cutting this short. i was totally wrong and i want to apologize. no, dad, it's the toilet paper companies that are behind all the -- yeah, i know. yeah, so, uh, w-we have nothing against toilet paper. it's a great product and, uh, it was childish of me to make fun of it. thanks, though. we'll see ya later. dad, we can't just back down. bro! i got [bleep] shot! japanese toilets are totally unnecessary,

and, uh, in case anyone else is listening, i think all of south park would like to apologize. we retract what we said about toilet paper companies. they -- they have done nothing but help us, and we are sorry. south park -- everyone -- say you're sorry. all: we're sorry. okay, great. come on, guys, let's go home. what about helping people and leading by example? we're not the goddamn kennedys, stan. stop being an idiot. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ nice to have you back, ol' blue. you know, guys, i'm actually not that sad. having a japanese toilet was great, but...

i've come to realize that, when you have some big, nice luxury thing, it eventually just becomes normal. but you start comparing it to all the other things in your life which suddenly feel you have to upgrade, too. so, it's really best to just stick with the beat-up, crappy old things we have. love you forever, honey. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪