what happened on your sales call? um, am i happy about the way things turned out? well, happy's such an ugly word. but i saw what needed to be done, and i did it. and now i'm thrilled. [chuckling] so it's pretty-- hello? pretty good. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, michael kosta! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> michael: welcome to "the daily show." i'm michael kosta. thank you. we have a great show for you tonight. we'll talk about why you'll be taking out a mortgage on your next baconator. biden tries to solve israel and palestine in one lick. and good news, there's finally a kennedy in politics. let's get to the headlines. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's kick things off with an update on the war in the middle east. with the situation increasingly desperate, the world has been looking to the united states for a way forward. and yesterday, president joe biden had some good news, although he delivered it in the most joe biden way possible. >> could you give us a sense of when you think that ceasefire will start, sir? >> well, i hope by the beginning of the weekend or the end of the weekend. at least my national security adviser tells me that we're close. we're close. >> michael: not the most

dignified way to deliver world-changing news. it does remind me of that photo of obama's team watching the bin laden raid while making balloon animals. now in joe biden's defense, he had the ice cream first. it's not like they asked him about gaza, and he said, "hold on, if we're going to talk about war, i gotta get a mint chip." no, he was in an ice cream store, about to eat ice cream, and some reporter jumped in and said, "what about gaza?" this is why i don't think we should have a free press. personally, i don't think anyone should be asked about israel-palestine while they're eating ice cream. i thought that was, like, an unwritten rule. i'm holding a tiny cylinder topped with a giant misshapen dairy blob that immediately starts melting on all sides. i've got one tiny little napkin for some reason. you think israel-palestine is a crisis? i'm dealing with something here! i'll tell you what, if i was a

politician, i would always have an ice cream with me, just to cram in my mouth in case i got asked about israel-palestine. it's not a good strategy for mitch mcconnell, though. that guy already has brain freeze. kobe! [applause] [laughs] now, despite biden's prediction, both hamas and israel say they're actually not close to a ceasefire. but i'm not surprised that biden was so optimistic: when you're holding a freshly-scooped ice cream cone, everything feels like it's going to be okay. that's why it's the official food of telling your kid you're getting a divorce. ice cream: it is your fault, kiddo. [laughter and applause] so i don't blame biden for talking about that stuff while he was eating ice cream. what i do blame him for is, why does he open his mouth so early in the process?

i don't know about you but i typically open my mouth when the food gets there. i don't need a lot of prep time. and he did one other thing that i found pretty disturbing. >> no better combo. [laughter] >> that is -- >> we've got mint chip. >> michael: dude! the sneeze guard is there for a reason! republicans are right, biden really doesn't respect borders. impeach! impeach! although, i will say, i am impressed by how flexible his shoulders are. i didn't think he could do that. based on what i've heard from jon stewart, you would think his arms would just fall right off. but let's move on to the other side of the aisle, because over the weekend, republicans gathered for cpac: the conservative political action conference. it's like woodstock for people who hate anybody who went to woodstock. and if you think the whole

weekend was just them saying that trump really won the 2020 election, no, no, no. they were also singing it. >> ♪ trump won and you know it, trump won and you know it ♪ ♪ the fake news will never show it, but trump won and you know it ♪ [cheers and applause] >> michael: does anyone have any molly? i want to overdose. if the lyrics are too subtle for you, i like how her dress gets the point across. what is she saying? oh, i see. trump won. but look, cpac isn't just the best rock concert of all time. it's also an important way to find out what the current conservative priorities are. and based on the titles of this weekend's panel discussions, it's going to be a fun year. >> cpac 2024, where globalism goes to die. ladies and gentlemen, does congress even matter? would moses go to harvard?

what you talking about, fani willis? shooting from the hip. going full hungarians. stopping georgie soros. the bible uncanceled. god loves justice. god's children are not for sale. babies r us. putting our heads in the gas stove. >> michael: seems like you guys might be inhaling some fumes already. no, it's always good to have panels that sound like categories if "jeopardy" had a mental breakdown. let's move on to some economic news. traditionally, americans have eaten food at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. but soon, that's gonna cost you. >> wendy's, the country's second-largest burger chain with 6,000 locations, announcing that starting next year, menu prices will fluctuate during the busiest times of day, meaning you could be paying as much as a dollar more for that baconator during the lunch rush.

wendy's ceo announcing his company will spend $20 million on high tech digital menu boards that can update prices in real time. wendy's telling abc news in a statement that the decision can allow them to motivate customers to visit and provide them with the food they love at a great value. >> michael: shut the [bleep] up. [cheers and applause] i mean, wow. you're providing me with the food i love at a great value! don't you hate it when companies try to pretend they're not squeezing every dollar out of us? just tell me you want all my money, dude. don't take my wallet and be like, "this is good for both of us!" but yeah, looks like wendy's is gonna charge more during the most popular times. and they can call this "dynamic pricing" or whatever, but really, this is just another tax on people who hate themselves and don't know how to cook. although, this will be good for guys looking to impress girls. "hey, you wanna go to wendy's... during the lunch rush?"

"ooh, alright, playa!" but let's face facts. this is the wave of the future. airlines and hotels and uber already do this. and if wendy's pulls this off, there's no reason why every restaurant -- hell, every place of business -- won't be using surge pricing soon. the emergency room will be like, "look, if you can come back at 2:00 a.m., fixing those stab wounds will be a lot cheaper." so if you agree with me that this has to stop, there's only one natural conclusion: you need to burn down a wendy's right now. and you also need to say it was your idea. [cheers and applause] that is important. for more on the surge pricing, let's go live to a wendy's with our very own ronny chieng. [cheers and applause] ronny, isn't this capitalism at its worst? >> "isn't this capitalism at its worst?" maybe for whiny bitches like you, kosta. but for finance geniuses like me this data-driven late stage capitalism is the next gold rush!

>> michael: gold rush? what are you talking about? >> i'm talking about arbitrage, baby! i buy a thousand burgers at 4:00 a.m. when the price is low and then i sell them high at lunch time! that's right! [cheers and applause] i'm flipping burgers! but in a rich way! you missed the boat, kosta. hope you don't cry. this is crypto and gamestop all over again. money ball. pickleball. ai. >> michael: stop yelling buzz words. it sounds like your genius financial plan is to sell burgers that have been sitting around for eight hours. >> yeah, newsflash, idiot: all fast food burgers have been sitting around for eight hours. [cheers and applause] yeah! that's why it's a stable investment. they're like if gold came with a slimy pickle on top. hang on, the market's moving! yeah, buy! i said buy! 4,000 baconators. do it! yeah, daddy earned his commission today.

woo! >> michael: ronny, are you snorting salt packets? >> yeah. it's pure himalayan, grade a. >> michael: ronny, stop! you're in over your head, you can't sell 4,000 baconators in a parking lot! people are gonna be weirded out. >> hey, these people are already buying chili from a redhead with pigtails in wendy's. you can't weird them out. that's why this plan can't fail, unless they kick me out of the parking lot. oh, wait, what's that? what? they're kicking me out of the parking lot? [bleep], i'm ruined! this is crypto and gamestop all over again! i'm back to flipping burgers but in a poor way! who's gonna buy 4,000 baconators from me? [crying] >> michael: ronny, i can buy one baconator. >> yes! one thousand baconators for michael! i'm back on top! >> michael: one, just one! we'll talk about it later. ronny chieng, everybody. [cheers and applause] when we come back, we'll learn all about the 2024 candidate

leading the race for third place. don't go away. ronny chieng. [cheers and applause] [sfx: seagulls squawking] [sfx: fishline] back for another flounder fish sandwich? and a shrimp tackle box. let us do the fishing while y'all enjoy our seafood that you'll love. get them before they're gone.

happy groundhog day! i brought sam adams cold snap and this groundhog... uh-oh. (patrons screaming) bright. citrusy. perfect for spring. "overflowing with ideas and energy." that's the san francisco chronicle endorsing democrat katie porter for senate over all other options. porter is "easily the most impressive candidate." "known for her grilling of corporate executives." with "deep policy knowledge." katie porter's housing plan has "bipartisan-friendly ideas to bring homebuilding costs down." and the chronicle praises "her ideas to end soft corruption in politics." let's shake up the senate. with democrat katie porter. i'm katie porter and i approve this message.

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having just one republican and one democrat in the presidential race. but there is still another option. take a look. ♪ ♪ >> the kennedys. an american dynasty. the kardashians of the capital. for over a century, the steady hand of the kennedy family has led america to its greatest challenges. speak of the hope still lives and the dream shall never die. >> they a aren't just in politi. they are politics. and in 2024, our abnormal times call for an abnormal candidate. >> i don't like wearing shoes. i never have. >> this is the "daily show-ography" of robert f. kennedy jr. bobby kennedy jr. was born in 1954 and to the most prestigious clan of -- wait, is that arnold schwarzenegger and chris pratt? how powerful is this man?

anyway. there he is. no. they are there? the third of senator robert kennedy's 11 children and the one lucky enough to share his name. despite his proximity to power, bobby junior wasn't initially drawn to the family business. >> will you be permitted to have a political future? >> i don't think so. >> it will be turn out to be the first of many things he would be wrong about. as a young man, bobby's unique personal story landed him a spot at harvard. such amazing walk. after studying law at the university of dinner, he became an assistant district attorney in men happen before pausing to take part in a personal research trial of a promising new drug called heroin. rehab and court-ordered community service had him cleaning up both himself and pollution in the hudson river. which led him to a career in environmental law. >> the project that i work on his river protection. >> while most environmentalists

are about as effective as a trump gag order, rfq junior was massively successful, winning huge cases with his team of young law students and earning him the title hero for the planet. that is the end of his this great man's story. wait. there is more? oh, should shed. >> a year ago -- >> in 2005, a woman came to rfk jr. with an unbelievable story. her son had gotten autism from childhood vaccines and while normal people don't believe unbelievable stories, kennedy was sold. after doing his own research, he published his findings in the acclaimed medical journal "rolling stone," where it was the second most important article of the month. despite having been completely wrong, kennedy doubled down. >> there is no vaccine that is, you know, safe and effective. >> indeed, he developed a natural immunity to all criticism. he said previously that no vaccine is safe or effective,

which is -- >> i never said that. >> you did say that, and a podcast interview -- >> his ideas spread and spread and spread, rfk jr. gained potency. for him, despite his personal. you can hear it in his voice. >> you want to be debating this. is the code book which damaged by neurological condition. while doctors were not sure how he contracted the disease, kennedy did his own research, and surprise, blamed his annual flu shot. >> it occurred to me that this might be vaccine injury. i don't know. but it certainly is a possibility. >> hey, who hasn't gone on webmd and thought, oh, shih chet, i definitely have that? and then, came his big moment. the covid vaccine. when rfk jr. rolled up his sleeves, it was to fight. >> it is the deadliest vaccine ever made. >> is one of the most influential voices against vaccines, he truly put the flu and influencer. >> mainstream media -- >> that is when the censorship started. >> i have been silenced and

many, many ways. >> in the face of the silencing, there was only one thing kennedy could do to get his message out. >> i have come here today to announce my candidacy for the democratic nomination for president of the united states. >> kennedy could deny his fate no longer. like a microchip from the covid vaccine, politics was in his dna. and compared to his rivals, kennedy's interest fit for office. he is straight of jack tore it. >> you have gone viral not only with your message, but just your sheer masculinity. >> this is a level of physical fitness you only get from clean living, natural foods, and -- >> testosterone replacements. >> so he takes a little steroids but it is organic, farm to table steroids. >> i started this campaign -- >> normally a kennedy on the ballot would coast on his family name but bobby junior is not normal. partly because much of his family is actually opposing him,

especially after he dropped out of the democratic primary to run as an independent but also because this kennedy is a man of the people, living simply in hollywood, with larry david's wife. and yes, he has name recognition. but he also has broad appeal, championing liberal ideas, conservative ideas, and every conspiracy theory known to man. >> covid-19 has certain bases, the people that are most immune are ashkenazi jews and chinese. >> all the greatest hits. >> we will be able to locate every square inch -- >> that is why 9 out of 10 alternative thinkers recommend rfk jr. for president of the united states. >> the conspiracy theory is just something that they don't want to hear. >> there is nothing normal about the 2024 election. may the contest between the professional court room sketch model and the grandpa who wandered away from his family at

the mall, kennedy is still somehow the least formal candidate. >> somebody snapped him walking the aisles heading to the bathroom without any shoes or socks. >> that is one way to do your own research. and that is why america needs to inject robert f. kennedy junior straight into its bloodstream. >> side effects of rfk jr. include measles, mumps, rubella. >> michael: when we come back, author kwame alexander will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] ♪ dramatic music ♪

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[cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a number one "new york times" best-selling author and emmy-winning producer whose latest book is an anthology of black poets called "this is the honey." please welcome kwame alexander! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ this is nice. >> yeah, it's great. >> michael: this is nice. poetry. >> yes. >> michael: i mean, i have to admit, i was like, poetry, this is going to be a little intimidating. how do you advise people who are approaching poetry for the first time to digest it? >> yeah. i typically don't advise. >> michael: okay. [laughter] that's what i do with comedy too.

>> it is like when you go up on stage to deliver some fascinating stand up, i just share a poem. there were these seventh graders in dallas, texas, these boys, and their teacher wanted them to get excited about poetry. and so i went in their library and just, a quick shoulder shake, a slick eye fake, number 28 is way past late. he's reading me like a book but i turned the page and watch them look which can only mean i got him shook. so i went through this whole poem -- [cheers and applause] at the end, all the boys -- >> michael: do i have to do one now? like battle poems? >> no, no. [laughter] at the end, all the boys were like, oh! so i think we got to hear poetry. it is how we learned how to read and write, nursery rhymes as a kid, lullabies. we don't remember that we love poetry. i think i'm trying to remind us of that. >> michael: i love it. "this is the honey," this is an anthology of contemporary black

poets. i am very white. >> are you? >> michael: can i tackle this? can everybody tackle this? >> here's the thing, poetry is a way to open a door to possibility, regardless of who is writing. whether it is mary oliver or nikki giovanni. whether it is pablo neruda or kwame alexander. poetry is a way to allow us to connect with each other, to feel more empathetic, and ultimately, to become better human beings. so yeah, this book is for you. this is for me, this is for us. >> michael: tell me about the title. "this is the honey." >> we often think about, you know, black history month in terms of the woe and not the wonder. we think about the tragedy and not the triumph. >> michael: right. >> that is all valuable, but i wanted to create a book that reminded us of all of the beautiful things, of the regular, normal things, and her remind to not only black people, but americans in general that black people live, love, hope, dream, dance, smile, eat, just

like everybody else. so that is "this is the honey." >> michael: so last year, you release your memoir, "why fathers cry at night." it is dedicated to your two daughters. poets are always asked to read poems in interviews and i just, you know, i love that comics don't have to do that. i think it is like, you're here to hang and promote your book. why are we going to put you to work? i really love "ten reasons why fathers cry at night" from your memoir. would you mind reading it for us? >> sure, sure. >> michael: this really resonated with me very much. >> so shout out to my two daughters. when my daughter was a teenager, she came home and said those words no father ever wants to hear. she said, dad, i want to go on a date. i said, maybe when you're 30. so you got little ones. enjoy that moment, because when they become 15 and 16, it is

another life, man. >> michael: that is why i read this and put it down ■and i had to take some deep breaths and then i took a picture of it and texted it to my wife and she is like, don't send me this, it is too sad. but it is capturing this human feeling. so please, if you don't mind. thank you very much. >> "ten reasons why fathers cry at night." [applause] one, because teenagers don't like park swings or long walks anymore unless you are in the mall. two, because holding her hands is forbidden and kisses are lethal. three, because school was fine. her day was fine. and yes, she's fine, so why is she weeping? four, because you want to help but you can't read minds. five, because she is in love and that is cute until you find his note asking her to prove it. six, because she didn't prove it. seven, because week she is in love and it is real and she says her heart is heavy.

eight, because she yearns to take long walks in the park with him. nine, because you remember the myriad woes and wonders of spring desire. and ten, because with trepidation and thrill, you watch your teenage daughter who suddenly wants to swing all by herself. >> michael: oh, crushes me. "this is the honey" and "why fathers cry at night" are both available now. kwame alexander. thank you so much. we will take a quick break. we will be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ ♪ “lemme show you something” by kali j. ♪ [♪♪] [♪♪]

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what if the promise of better work wasn't just something we dreamed about... but something we found? this might be the one! or better yet... no way! ...something that found us. i got the interview. ay, muy bien! [cheers and applause] >> michael: that's our show for tonight. now here it is. your "moment of zen." >> president biden is about as popular as a scurvy. the president is about as popular as cholera. he's about as popular as a colonoscopy. about as popular as robocalls. as herpes. >> fever blisters. the president is pulling up there with chlamydia. >> sorry. captioning made possible by comedy central

♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ ♪ headed on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ( ♪ mumbling ) ♪ so come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ well detective, you fooled them again. all in a day's work. i hope next time i don't have to run so much. what do you think barnaby jones meant when he said "this is not a victimless crime" ? anybody ? were you paying attention ? we've been watching "barnaby jones" for 8 days now ! excuse me, kyle. just forget what barnaby jones has to say. then see how far you get in society ! tell us how barnaby knew the poison was in the milk ? can't we be normal ?

what do you consider normal ? learn about art and go on field trips. it just so happens we're going on a field trip tomorrow ! where ? the planetarium. planetariums suck. what's wrong with it ? it's boring. the constellations look alike. you're going tomorrow and you'll love it ! in the meantime, we're gonna watch episode #203, "barnaby under siege". i taped these at home so there's commercials. do you love "cheesy poofs" ? yes. "chessy poofs" is looking for a kid to sing the happy "cheesy poofs" song. watch for our van as it goes around the country. i can sing the song ! if you win, you can be in our next commercial. so remember, ♪ i love "cheesy poofs" ♪ ♪ you love "cheesy poofs" ♪ if we didn't eat "cheesy poofs" ♪ ♪ we'd be lame let's quiet down so the driver can concentrate. you do it like this.. sit down and shut up !