[continues playing off-key melody] ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, michael kosta! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> michael: welcome to "the daily show." i'm michael kosta. we have a great show for you tonight. we'll talk about michigan's commitment issues, the supreme court debates how much gun is too much gun, and the worst thing to happen to willy wonka since johnny depp. so let's get into headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's kick things off with the supreme court, where the nine justices sat down today and -- after clarence thomas put out his tip jar -- they heard arguments on whether it should be legal to essentially turn ordinary guns into machine guns. >> the supreme court is hearing arguments on bump stocks. the attachments functionally turn semiautomatic rifles into automatic weapons. donald trump banned them in 2017 after the massacre at a

las vegas music festival where a shooter aiming from a hotel room fired 1100 rounds in just 11 minutes. >> everyone agrees that machine guns can be banned. the arguments here hinge in part on the very technical issue of exactly how bump stocks work, and whether their mechanism fits the definition of a machine gun under the law. the justices really grappled with that today and what we heard was broad agreement that preventing guns from firing hundreds of rounds per minute made a lot of sense, but there was disagreement about whether the ban was justified by that machine gun law. [rapid gunfire] >> michael: hold on, the supreme court is trying to decide if that gun is a machine gun? look, i'm not a "machine gun" expert. but if a gun makes you go... [sputtering uncontrollably] that's a machine gun. the court spent all day throwing around very technical questions about trigger functions versus trigger pulls to determine what

a machine gun is, but i'd like to suggest we approach this case with my new legal theory: it's called "looking at something with your [bleep] eyes." [cheers and applause] yeah. if a gun can fire 5,000 rounds a second, you can debate firing mechanisms or you look with your [bleep] eyes and see that it's a machine gun. are the shells flying out of the gun at a machine gun rate? look with your [bleep] eyes, it's a machine gun! and this doesn't just stop with guns. my legal theory can be applied to all sorts of issues. like ivf: you could debate viability or conception, or you could just look with your [bleep] eyes and see that this is a cluster of cells in a petri dish, not a person. okay? [cheers and applause] do i have to take this petri dish to the playground and give it snacks all day? no? then it's not a person. i've seen sourdough starters

more alive than that. but no, conservatives are saying, it's not about how it looks, there's a very specific trigger mechanism, blah, blah, blah. they have the same approach to guns that snobby liberals do to wine. "unless it comes from the machine gun region of france, it's only a sparkling rifle." look, i don't even blame gun nuts, i blame the forefathers! they should have been clearer! the second amendment is only 27 words. you'd think they'd put a bit more detail into the amendment that gives killing power to everybody, but no, they just a 27 words. even the amendment that gives women the right to vote is 39 words! that could be three. "women be voting." done! [laughter and cheering] let's move on to a country that doesn't have gun problems: scotland. don't get me wrong, they have equally big problems of their own. >> now to furious parents in

scotland who thought they had scored a golden ticket to an amazing willy wonka experience but instead, wound up with something closer to the fyre festival. >> a new event in glasgow "willy's chocolate experience." ai-generated images promising a whimsical day for kids with an enchanting garden, live performances, and character appearances including oopma loompas all for about 45 bucks. instead, a near-empty warehouse. a bouncy castle with wooden tables set up, some janky props of candy, reports of kids crying. >> we paid money. there's children here. >> one actor who played willy wonka described the event as a place where dreams went to die. >> michael: i hate to say it, but if you're an actor who's playing willy wonka in a warehouse, your dreams probably already died a while ago. look, i don't know why everyone is so upset that the kids were traumatized. have you seen the movie? traumatizing kids is the authentic wonka experience!

they should just be thankful they didn't have to get rolled out. oh, i'm sorry, you had to drink a plastic cup of lemonade? violet beauregard has to buy three airplane seats from now on! people are comparing this thing to the fyre festival? come on, guys, it's not the fyre festival. for one thing, none of the parents offered to suck an oompa loompa's [bleep] for a bottle of water. but i do get why the parents are upset! they marketed this thing with these incredible ai pictures. it looks nice. unless you looked at the ai-written words, and maybe that should have tipped the parents off. i mean, look at this actual text on the website: cat-cagating? cartchy tuns? exaserdray lollipops? a pass-a-dise of sweet teats? who reads that and thinks, "oh, this seems legit"? on the other hand, it is scotland, and that's just what english sounds like.

finally, let's move on to political news in our ongoing coverage of "indecision 2024." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] yesterday, my home state of michigan held primary elections, but the big story was who democrats didn't vote for. >> this morning, president biden and former president trump coming off huge wins in michigan. but it's these voters who shook up the democratic primary. >> if he doesn't get it together and change what he's doing, we will not vote for him in november. >> overnight, an extremely unusual watch party for voters who cast their ballots, not for a candidate, but for uncommitted in protest of president biden's handling of the israel-hamas war. the effort's organizers had set their goal at 10,000 votes. they got more than 10 times that. >> michael: wow, 100,000 people went outside in michigan in february to say they don't like

you? that is a lot of commitment to un-commitment. reminds me of my single years! [howling] anyway, it's horrible what's happening in the middle east. and ceasefire-supporters are sending joe biden a strong message that if he doesn't push for an end to this war, they won't vote for him. and i'm glad they're making their voices heard. this is how you get attention of politicians. you threaten to kick them out of office if they don't listen to you. of course, in this particular situation, the guy who would take his place is trump. not only is he not sympathetic to your cause, he said he's gonna add gazans to the muslim ban! it's like convincing your sister to break up with that guy who's no good for her and then next christmas, she shows up with pennywise. he's got kids in the sewer. that's a red flag, sis! for more on the michigan primary, let's go live to the

state capitol with our own jordan klepper. [cheers and applause] jordan, what's your take here? >> well, michael, i can speak to the feeling over here, because i'm actually a michigan native myself. a michigander, if you will. >> michael: no kidding? same here. where are you on the hand? >> over here on the western palm. >> michael: oh, interesting. i'm just a little southeast of the thumb. >> oh! you simple stupid thumb folk. i had no idea. must have been wild cutting class to snort car grease in the abandoned pontiac factory. >> michael: oh, right, like you guys had it so good in the west. selling tulip bulbs so you could buy tickets to minor league west michigan whitecaps games. >> you take the name of the west michigan whitecaps out of your mouth, thumb boy! >> michael: okay, jordan, let's put our obviously universal

michigan references aside for the moment and focus in on the primary. it seems like a lot of democrats expressed dissatisfaction yesterday. >> true, michael. but that embodies the beauty of our democracy. no matter who you are or where you come from, in our country, you will be heard. as long as you live in a swing state. [cheers and applause] states? that's only, like, ten states! >> not at all. five max. michigan, wisconsin, pennsylvania, georgia, and sometimes arizona. everything else might as well be canada. >> michael: okay, well, what about people who live in new york? >> they can shut the [bleep] up. no one gives a shit what those people think. >> michael: okay, i see what you're saying. so really we michiganders hold a lot of power, whether we come from the east or the vastly inferior, dimwitted, peabrained west. >> yes, even you, the bizzarro eastern michigan jordan klepper with worse hair and a strangely

smaller forehead has power. the point is, we've got the democrats by the balls and we need to squeeze them like sweet michigan cherries for everything we want. >> michael: like peace in the middle east? >> sure, that can be part of it but also, we need to build a wall on the ohio border. keep the buckeyes out. >> michael: i love this. and we can put eminem on the supreme court! >> yes! we'll need a federal holiday for jeff daniels' birthday. and retroactively make the lions this year's super bowl champions. i don't know how biden does that, but that's his problem, not ours. >> michael: yep. we could declare lakes are better than oceans. >> and lake michigan is obviously the best lake. >> michael: i think you mean lake huron. >> i wouldn't be caught dead in that pill-infested sludge pool you call a lake. lake michigan is clearly superior. >> michael: lake superior is superior, you moron. you're as useless as ohio state's defensive line. >> you're not wrong about that.

[bleep] the buckeyes. >> michael: absolutely [bleep] the buckeyes. jordan klepper, everybody. good guy. [cheers and applause] when we come back, we'll take a look inside our leaders' brains. don't go away. [cheers and applause] ♪ make me go loco, loco ♪ ♪ make me go loco, papi ♪ ( ♪♪ ) ♪ make me go loco, papi ♪ ( ♪♪ ) come seek the royal caribbean. ♪ go loco, loco ♪ ♪ just the two of us ♪ ♪ we can make it if we try ♪

♪ just the two of us ♪ ♪ (just the two of us) ♪ get two entreés and an appetizer for $25. only at applebee's. "overflowing with ideas and energy." that's the san francisco chronicle endorsing democrat katie porter for senate over all other options. porter is "easily the most impressive candidate." "known for her grilling of corporate executives." with "deep policy knowledge." katie porter's housing plan has "bipartisan-friendly ideas to bring homebuilding costs down." and the chronicle praises "her ideas to end soft corruption in politics." let's shake up the senate. with democrat katie porter. i'm katie porter and i approve this message. looking for a smarter way to mop?

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>> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." some big news today: one week after turning 82, mitch mcconnell, the longest serving senate leader in u.s. history, unfroze long enough to make a big announcement. >> we have some breaking news from capitol hill to tell you about. senator mitch mcconnell says he will step down from his position as republican leader come november. mcconnell is the longest serving senate leader in history. >> one of life's most underappreciated talents is to know when it's time to move on to life's next chapter. >> michael: next chapter? i don't think there's that much left in the book, my friend. i think you're looking at the acknowledgments page right now. but yes, this is the end of mitch's reign in the senate.

and in honor of all that he has done to stop mass shootings, there will be a 21-gun salute at an elementary school later this month. [audience reacts] but this does raise a question: how do aging politicians know whether they still have it together enough to keep doing their jobs? we found the doctor who lets them know. take a look. >> chuck grassley turned 90 years old. >> america's ruling class is composed mostly of old people that work tirelessly to ensure our country is running at full speed. >> good morning, sunday morning. >> but despite them passing a full yearly medical exam, some people wonder, who is the doctor evaluating the mental fitness of america's top leaders? let's put it this way. he has two thumbs. ♪ ♪ >> my name is doctor dennis lowery stein. ♪ ♪ and i and the u.s. government's chief neurologist. it is my job to evaluate our leaders brains, and the good news is, they are all perfect!

let's take a look at president biden. >> america is a nation that can be defined in a single word -- [unintelligible] in the himalayas, xi jingping. >> that is amazing. his brain is switching languages midsentence. that is muy bueno. or should i say muy braino. a someone who suffered from multiple brain injuries myself, i know important how mental health is. i know that because i suffered many brain injuries myself. >> okay, senator mcconnell, i'm just going to ask you a few questions to check the old knock in. what is is a picture of? yeah, i guess it does kind of make you think. good insight, senator. i'm going to clear you for another six years.

i check every part of the brain. portside, the einsteins taint taint, and alisa {flush lobe. the back. i am nancy pelosi's nephew. i mean, i am not him but she thinks i am. so. i have not personally met all my patients, but you don't have to. neurology is something that you just kind of eyeball. >> 5 minutes later, go back. they don't tell you this, go back to that question and repeat them. can you do it? and you go, person, woman, man, camera, tv. >> more words than i know. the best part of my job is reassuring the public that their leaders are okay. no, wait. the best part is writing my own prescriptions but after that, reassuring the public. i know, i know, a lot if you have expressed concern for the senator's well-being but i have his test results right here. 100%. that is what he said when i

asked him what year it was buried and you know what coming to me, that is close enough. bottom line, if you were worried about the mental faculties of our highest ranking officials, just remember, you've got a professional making sure everything is okay. ♪ ♪ yes, hi. i just wanted to inform senator feinstein that her brain is cleared for another term. oh, she did? no, no, that doesn't change my diagnosis at all. you have a good day. [cheers and applause] >> michael: when we come back, sloane crosley will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a best-selling author whose new book is called "grief is for people." please welcome sloane crosley! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ sloane! all right! >> hi! >> michael: how are you feeling? >> i feel pretty great. how do you feel? >> michael: i feel great. >> thank you for having me. >> michael: i'm excited to talk to you. this book is beautiful and wonderful. you write, before this book, a lot of essays involving humor. this is a memoir involving loss and grief with a lot of humor in it.

i laughed. but how did you strike the balance between grief and laughing? >> i know. i can't believe i'm here talking about this sad book. no, i think that the sort of topography of grief that everyone experiences, the people you miss, you miss because they are so specific. and in this case, the person i miss was very dark and very funny. and so you have both my cylinder of humor going and his going at the same time. >> michael: you mention russell, but really, when you start this book, it is about being burglarized. >> i know. so many bad things happened. >> michael: so many bad things happened. again, there is a lot of laughing, for real. [laughter] but one of the most interesting parts of the book is how it turns. and tell me a little bit about, you know, how you approach that from being robbed to then this next bad thing that happened. >> yeah. so basically, in june,

june 27th of 2019, i left my apartment for one hour to get a hand x-ray, so i took all my rings off. i mean, what are you going to do? and came home to find all my jewelry gone, burglarized. not particular flashy, just gone. then a month later, my dearest friend unfortunately died by suicide. so that first loss obviously became the more minor precursor to the second loss. but as a human being, i am deeply unlucky. >> michael: okay. >> i am. but as a writer of this book, i knew, this is a suspenseful story about grief and it is a funny story about grief and i don't think you get a lot of those. >> michael: yeah. tell me about russell. you tell a lot in the book -- >> on national television, i am glad to. just like anyone would about their friend. so i used to work in book publishing. he hired me. i worked for him for ten years.

he was a wildly generous, funny, brilliant, brilliant publicist, and deeply inappropriate. i'm really hesitant to repeat some of the lines in the book. [laughs] but he fit sort of less and less in a world that he had helped build in a way. part of the challenge of this book was how to memorialize and pay tribute to someone like that without sounding like a frustrated septuagenarian white man who is like, "it is just not the same." >> michael: the world has changed. >> the world has changed. he was just a wonderful, well read human being who really was almost like, he is my partner in crime. >> michael: why are we afraid to say grief? why are we afraid to talk about it? i find talking about death, especially in north american culture, it is like, keep it down. why? tell me the answer to this existential question. that's why you are here. >> oh, that i specifically have --

[laughs] >> michael: that you have a good thought on. >> and how to speak to people who are grieving? >> michael: yeah. and why it is that we talk about it so little? why is there a little bit of an air right now? >> a squeamishness. >> michael: because there is grief, there is sadness. >> especially the kind of death is very scary. when we say, we don't necessarily say, "your cancer," "a cancer," we do say "a suicide" or "his suicide." it is like hot coal and we give it back to the dead person as fast as we possibly can. i think because we are frightened for ourselves as we well should be. i think the only way around it is to discuss it more and to talk about it and to be asked questions about it. you know, in the wake of russell's death, people would often say, did you know? which i personally don't have the best reaction to, because i don't know if it is for me or for him.

>> michael: i have heard you say, part of grief is becoming on the side of the living once again. explain that to me. >> well, if you have ever grieved someone, you know that especially right away, there is this sort of almost embarrassing thing i felt which is, i was receiving all of these wonderful condolences, and i felt like i was ill-equipped or did not have the shelving to accept them, because everybody had committed the sin of not being able to bring my friend back. and i just wanted to do whatever he wanted to do. so we had a memorial service. i turned into what i call in the book a funeral-zilla. >> michael: [laughs] >> where i was like, is it hard to shut down fifth avenue for an hour? why are these programs not bound with ribbon? >> michael: right, right. >> okay, somebody needed just pulled me aside and say, you know, he's not going to be going to the memorial service. and honestly, at that moment, no, i did not know that. >> michael: right. so is it changing that focus back to present tense? i love that. >> yeah, and change it to what

he would want, you know? again, especially with someone who dies by suicide, they are more than their last act of free will, and we had an entire friendship, an entire life together, where i know that he wanted more from me than to just focus on him. >> michael: yeah. it is a beautiful book. you will laugh, you will think, i promise you, but it's also a tribute to your friend, russell. thank you for chatting with us. i appreciate it. >> a delight. >> michael: "grief is for people" is available now. sloane crosley, everybody. we will take a quick break. we'll be right back after this. thank you. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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somebody, i have this fear of intimacy, and the best i can say to anybody now while i am making love is "i love you, ladies and gentlemen." that is the best i can say. and i love all of you and you. you are the king. i am flattered to be here. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - look, eric! mommy got you a present! - a present-- is it a rocket racer? no, let me guess. it's a frogman dave doll! no wait, i know, it's a police power chopper!

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