>> okay. >> here's what i'm gonna do. >> okay. >> we will move some money around, and i will personally see to it that you have your party. you'll have your figs, i will be in attendance, it's gonna be great. how's that? [silent chuckle] >> i quit. >> what? >> you have no idea how high i can fly. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> jon: oh, yes! oh, baby! we've got a good one! come on! welcome to "the daily show!" my name is jon stewart. we've got a hell of a show for you tonight. first and foremost, wanted to thank everybody for such kind words about my dog, truly meant a lot to me, i took great comfort in it. but before we do anything, breaking news! >> this is cnn breaking news. >> we begin with the breaking news this morning. the united states supreme court ruling that former president donald trump cannot be removed from any state's ballot for his actions on january 6. >> jon: i think the real

breaking news -- [audience reacts] oh, pipe down. they know better than the supreme court. [laughter] "and all my years of law school, i couldn't believe the arguments!" i think the real breaking news here is, wolf blitzer and i appear to be merging! we are becoming one! [cheers and applause] blitzer! by the way, the supreme court, 9-0, the ruling was, "let donnie cook!" really. so let that be a lesson to all you out there who might be thinking about subverting the constitution in a presidential election. you go, boy! for more on the supreme court's ruling, we turn to our own desi lydic live at the supreme court. [cheers and applause] desi, thank you for joining us

down there tonight. i will warn you before you do the report, the audience is filled with law students. so desi, democrats have to be disappointed in this ruling. >> yes, democrats are doing more shower-crying than normal today, jon. but they are still confident that a conviction in the january 6th trial can keep trump out of the white house. >> jon: but desi, that's seemingly not likely to happen before election day. >> right. but fortunately, trump has three other criminal trials coming up. one of those has to be a conviction, so democrats are optimistic. >> jon: but trump can still be president if he's convicted. i mean, none of the cases will stop that. >> right. i'm glad you brought that up, jon. democrats say if none of these cases go their way, there is still another avenue to pursue. >> jon: the getting more votes scenario? >> they're not there yet.

they were gonna lay reese's pieces out in a trail, that leads into a golden tent labeled "mar-a-lago" that can only be zipped from the outside. or they've discussed making him the next golden bachelor. once he's surrounded by women his own age, democrats believe he will spontaneously combust. >> jon: i -- i still think the more votes -- >> democrats find a witch. the witch turns donald trump into a bird. the bird isn't there on election day, having already migrated to a warmer climate. >> jon: desi, the election is obviously tight. the battleground states are going to be difficult, but clearly there is still a path to victory for democrats, even if narrow! >> oh, yes, you're talking about sending trump an apple vision pro, preloaded with porn, so he'll be too busy masturbating

to campaign. [laughter and cheering] >> jon: that could work. desi lydic, everyone. there you have it. [cheers and applause] i think maybe the last one, that does sound plausible. there you have it, that breaking news, the presidential election is still on. we now return you to your regularly scheduled presidential election year programming. >> fox news alert. america's border crisis boiling over. >> chaos at the border. >> the never-ending surge of migrants crashing across our southern border. >> jon: yes, every two to four years, we are reminded that we have a southern border and it is porous. >> there is a migrant crime spree killing americans and the president's an accessory to murder. >> we are being overwhelmed. there is no word to describe this except invasion. >> illegal invaders invading america pouring over our border by the millions.

>> criminals, rapists, murderers, child predators, and god knows who else. [boos] >> jon: god knows who else? i mean, statistically, a couple of them at least have to be podcasters! murderers? but point taken, i think my pants just shit their pants. and if you're thinking that these are just some central americans no-goodniks, think again. >> the countries we know they're coming from: iran, number one state sponsor of terror, their satellite country, syria, egypt, home of the muslim brotherhood, afghanistan, home of al qaeda. 10,000 plus from russia. >> record numbers of chinese men, of military age, who have come across our border. >> the number of military-aged men that are showing up with military haircuts, clearly in shape, these guys showing up with six packs and military

boots. [laughter and applause] >> jon: [in dr. phil voice] they are clearly -- tight asses and, i mean, there's not an ounce of fat on these [bleep]. it is a hunk fest. i'm hard right now. going down there and goddamn, i want to get ass deep on these immigrants i want to [bleep] and suck until this country -- i want to stick -- cash me outside, how bout dat? [in regular voice] [cheers and applause] the crowd loves my dirty phil. we got criminals, terrorists,

anyone else we should be worried about? >> anybody ever hear of hannibal lecter? he was a nice fellow, but that's what's coming into our country right now. [laughter] >> jon: wouldn't cannibals amongst them be the solution to the problem? or are they fasting until they get to america? it is clear hyperbole, but there does seem to be bipartisan agreement now that the border is a problem. there were 300,000 crossings in december alone, that's an all-time high. and that is not sustainable. but the republicans turned down the chance to pass a strong border bill supported by the border patrol union because of how confident they are that fear-mongering will be an effective election year strategy. it's all about branding. >> i call it migrant crime. i really call it biden migrant

crime, but it's too long. so let's just call it migrant crime and everyone's going to know it's because of biden. we will call it from now on biden migrant crime, okay? it's bigrant crime. this is -- we'll call it, i got it, bigrant. let's call it bigrant, biden crime bi -- oh, that's -- that's good. that's smart. bigrant crime. >> jon: it's a portmanteau. i'm not completely sold on "bi-grant." it really just sounds like a migrant who's open to crossing either border. migrant crime. bigrant. look, there are some undocumented migrants who are committing crimes, some of them horrific. but isn't that true for every demographic including natives? i feel pretty confident there's still a lot of opportunity out

there for our american home-grown criminals. but if it's enough of an issue that on thursday, we had ourselves a good old fashioned border-off, as both men saddled up and headed to the southern border. trump headed to eagle pass and biden headed to brownsville. it was bitch-ass cassidy versus the sundown kid. and biden was fired up! >> we're the -- [shouting] united states of america. >> jon: nailed it! he knew exactly who we are! yes! he knew what country we are in! bang, boom! this is the united states of america! i take back everything i said a month ago! lay out your proposal! >> i understand my predecessor is in eagle pass today. so here's what i would say to mr. trump. instead of playing politics with the issue, instead of telling members of congress to block this legislation, join me or i'll join you in telling the

congress to pass this bipartisan border security bill. we can do it together. >> jon: ladies and gentlemen, the olive branch has been extended across the aisle, in a show of genuine desire to solve this complex and vexing issue. trump, your response? >> crooked joe has the blood of countless innocent victims. >> jon: mm, that's a no. seriously, though, "crooked joe?" that's what we're going with? >> crooked joe biden. he's crooked. i took the name away from hillary, because she's no longer relevant, i guess. >> jon: do you have to say everything that happens in your head out loud? it's been eight years! you [bleep] won! the woman has been through enough, now you're gonna take away her nickname?

what are you doing? but let me tell you something, trump, -- i don't know why i got serious they are. you can't scare the democrats. because the one thing the democrats have is principles. when it comes to immigration, the democrats hold to our country's cherished ideals. the eternal promise etched at the feet of lady liberty that speaks to our better angels. [cheers and applause] >> the only way we're gonna have a great future in america is if we welcome and embrace immigrants. >> these people are folks that we should be helping. america welcomes immigrants. >> we want people to come here despite where they came from or despite the circumstances that drove them to this country. >> this is a place where the statue of liberty sits in the harbor and we say, bring us your tired. those who are yearning to be free. >> jon: unshakeable, bedrock american values of compassion

and empathy. and there is not a damn thing you can do to change that. >> buses arriving in new york city from texas, one after another, filled with migrants seeking asylum. >> jon: that's all you got? nice try texas, but you heard the mayor! we're new york [bleep] city, how dare you? no disrespect. but you're never gonna change our values just because you're afraid! so keep sending those busloads! cause we got plenty of room in our hearts and in this city! >> we have no more room in the city. [cheers and applause] [laughter] >> jon: but what about the yearnings and the tiredness? and the tiredness of those who are doing the yearning?

>> 110,000 migrants, we have to feed, clothe, house, educate the children, wash their laundry sheets. this issue will destroy new york city. destroy new york city. >> jon: i mean, they're supposed to be doing our sheets! what's going on around here? what kind of topsy-turvy world are we living in over here? yes, it turns out in the age-old battle between values and fear, values never had a [bleep] chance! it took two busloads of venezuelans to go from this to this! so this is the terrible cycle america is caught in. democrats, whose high-minded values and principles did not survive a contact high with reality, and republicans, whose desire to solve the problem isn't nearly as strong as their desire to exploit it. and no one wins.

well, except this guy. >> clearly in shape, these guys are showing up with six packs and military boots. >> jon: learn more in his new special "dr. phil straddles the border." when we come back, author jonathan blitzer will be joining me. don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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only at papa johns. let me share mine. i'm the only candidate with a record of taking on maga republicans, and winning. when they overturned roe, i secured abortion rights in our state constitution. when trump attacked our lgbtq and asian neighbors, i strengthened our hate crime laws. i fought for all of us struggling to keep up with the rising cost of living. i'm evan low, and i approve this message for all of our shared values. democrats agree. conservative republican steve garvey is the wrong choice for the senate. ...our republican opponent here on this stage has voted for donald trump twice. mr. garvey, you voted for him twice... as your own man, what is your decision? garvey is wrong for california. but garvey's surging in the polls. fox news says garvey would be a boost to republican control of the senate. stop garvey. adam schiff for senate. hi, i'm ron reagan, an unabashed atheist, i'm adam schiff, and i approve this message.

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight covers immigration for "the new yorker," and his new book is called "everyone who is gone is here: the united states, central america, and the making of a crisis." please welcome to the program jonathan blitzer! sir! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ sir! thank you for joining us. first thing is first. what are you doing to me? >> [laughs] >> jon: i have a family, i have a wife. this is a very long book. >> you don't have to read the notes. >> jon: oh, son of a bitch. what an incredibly thorough documentation of the causes of the immigration crisis, the discussions that have been going on through multiple administrations.

in your mind, what has us trapped in this sort of specificity and nightmare? >> for years and years, we watched in this loop as politicians in washington say we can't pass copperheads of immigration reform because of the situation at the border. and yet, the situation at the border is in a state of chaos because we have not passed comprehensive immigration reform. as a result, it has borne the brunt of the otherwise failing system. so we are stuck in this loop where lawmakers in washington went to the border to justify their inaction and the border is in a state of chaos and it is because of inaction in washington. >> jon: i almost never hear politicians talking about how many people can you absorb? when you tell me they're going to be 2 million people coming to the southern border and they are just being kind of logged and released, that sounds utterly chaotic and a recipe for disaster. but how many people can this country absorb? what do we need for economic growth? what is a better system?

i feel like we never talk about that. we just react to images of chaos. >> absolutely. we can't talk about one aspect of immigration system without the view of the other. so if we are only ever talking about the southern border, we are missing the entire picture that we need to better understand. just as an example, right now -- you don't have to take my word for it. >> jon: i sure do. >> you don't. >> jon: you are the only one. >> until you read the footnotes. the chairman of the federal reserve, economists across the country, everyone has pointed to the fact that immigrant labor has essentially kept this country's economy afloat following the covid hears. and so this is the engine of growth. the population is getting older -- >> jon: immigrant labor can be more easily exploited is paid laws, starts to depress wages for a lot of other people. is that not accurate? >> i don't think it is entirely.

i think it is -- >> jon: somewhat accurate? reasonably accurate? >> well, until there are ways of absorbing an immigrant labor force legally into the country, there are always going to be opportunities for employers to exploit the undocumented and in the process, to drive down working wages. and so the idea is, there needs to be a thoroughgoing reform to the system and the problem is, of course, and washington, that has been dead on arrival for decades. we are kind of in this doom loop where the border is the symbol of everything, but obviously, and the commonsensical way, the only way to approach this broader problem to deal with every aspect of the system. >> jon: this is where you drop us, you drop a little drop of sunshine and you say, but here is the news. go. >> [laughs] what is in here? >> jon: no! >> i would say the good news is that from a policy perspective, at least doing some other things to relieve pressure on the southern border are no great mystery to lawmakers they are for the problem, of course, is the politics, but it doesn't

require any great feat of the imagination. >> jon: this is not a complexity beyond the imagination of human beings. >> correct. >> jon: we don't have to restabilize areas we destabilized to really get a handle on it. it's about fixing the system of influx. >> i mean, i think overall, the only way to kind of deal with migration trends in the world is to understand the forces in a global context. and that means that the united states has to be more mindful of the consequences of its foreign policy, has to work with partners in the region. >> jon: i'm sorry, i blacked out when you said -- you said something about mindful foreign policy and i just started thinking about u2 in the sphere. i don't know what is going on. >> i will say, reforming the asylum system specifically is a complex task and i do think some hard decisions have to be made about reckoning with the population of people showing up at the southern border and kind of understanding with the limits are of the asylum system as we

know it. but before we get to a point of having to make these major sacrifices to a system that i think really should be a core part of american policy, for ethical reasons and just for a straight-ahead policy reasons -- >> jon: branding. to say nothing else. >> there are things that can be done, basic things, like sending more money to the government to hire more asylum officers, more immigration judges. these things sound boring, they sound wonky. very specifically, republicans in congress are trying to block these very straight-ahead, basic measures from taking place. just basic funding measures because they benefit from increased chaos of the southern border. there are things that can be done -- >> jon: so until the election, there is no hope until after the election to even address any of it. >> i mean, it is pretty overwhelming to see right now republicans in congress basically say, we are not going to touch this. i mean, they've set it explicitly. >> jon: they are saying this is the greatest danger to america, maybe ever, and we are

not going to do anything because we think it is a great issue. i mean, that is truly devious. >> yeah. and the plot of that playing out was, the administration, the biden administration onto congress and said, we need more money to increase resources of the southern border. >> jon: but they were slow on the uptick as well. >> absolutely. there is plenty that the biden and restoration can be faulted for. they go to congress, ask for money, that doesn't work, republicans say, no, we need to see further changes to the asylum system as we know. the ad administration goes to the negotiating table, makes a series of compromises at the democrats were not comfortable making years ago. pretty significant changes just in their own orientation of the conversation. they finally brokered this deal. this isn't just a -- this is a bipartisan deal. you have mitch mcconnell saying to his senate members, listen, the politics of this -- the phrase he used as reported was "the politics have changed." the politics having changed

were, trump came out against this negotiation. >> jon: wow. >> it was a very clear calculation that was made that we benefit from the situation getting worse. >> jon: that is so tough because mcconnell is usually so idealistic. it is just hard to see. i was shocked. it is shocking. of these self-serving politics. that is not the guy i know. [laughter] [applause] "everyone who is gone is here." jonathan blitzer. we're gonna take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [traffic noise] [text message] let's ace this thing!

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hey, can i get a verdinha? a what? hekkene? moneken? heini! hakkinen, please. me? ♪♪ wait, how do you spell it? ♪♪ heinekenne. ♪♪ the green one. ah. ♪♪ hakkinen? yes.

[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show for tonight! but before we go, let's check in with your host for the rest of the week, mr. ronny chieng, ladies and gentlemen! so nice to see you. big week. you've got super tuesday tomorrow. >> yeah, i guess. >> jon: state of the union on thursday, ronny. >> mhm, mhm, yeah. >> jon: is there something else you are planning on covering here? >> where is kate middleton? [cheers and applause] where are you, kate? some people think she's dead. some people think she got a bbl.

my theory is, they didn't turn the bbl machine off in time, and now she's all bbl. so stop looking for kate middleton, and start looking for a princess-sized bbl. >> jon: it's an important story. keep following that. ronny chieng at the desk this week, ladies and gentlemen. here it is. your "moment of zen." >> it is nothing in the case of biden on thursday, a cynical, political stunt. biden the president. it is beyond disgraceful that he will be at the border with president trump on thursday. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> sorry. captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪

- ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ i met with a turbotax expert because i had two full time jobs... lawyering and... liaming. count on me, mia. i'll file your taxes for you with 100% accuracy, guaranteed. let a turbotax full-service expert do your taxes as soon as today. you jimmys john's still waking up early slicing veggies and meats by hand? pathetic. only details that matter are green. real dough. not that fresh baked stuff. it is good bread. get that away from my money. fresh baked bread. at jimmy john's.

come on road, do your worst. we'll be at our best. engineered to meet or exceed original equipment performance. the ball is out eand there's a pile-up.. -let's go! -get in the pile! ugh, i'll deal with this tomorrow. you won't. it's ripe in here. my eyes are watering. i'm a busy man. look how crusty this is. shameful. ugh, it's just too much. not with this. tide. tide can tackle any pile. that a tackle pun? just clean the pile, ron. okay. this too. that was easy. when stains and odors pile up, it's got to be tide. [school bell rings] all: we are south park, green and white! let's go, cows! fight, fight, fight! nobody can beat a cow... - [yawns] - hey, south park, do you have school spirit? [all mooing] - i think us cows have the best school spirit, huh, mandy?

- yeah, and south park is really gonna stick it to littleton next week. - so let's bring out our mascot and get this pep rally going! [thumping dance music] - it's mooey! mooey, wave to me! wave to me, mooey! - butters, shut the hell up. [all shouting angrily] - we are people for the ethical treatment of animals! we protest your insensitive use of cows as your school mascot! - oh, jesus, not peta again. - cows are maimed and slaughtered and used as a commodity! - [screaming] - this is the fate of the cows! this is your insensitivity! all: eww! - [sobbing] - the cow is a slave. the cow is a commodity to be thrown away by a society gone wrong! [bell rings] - all right, children, i have just been informed that since our school has been attacked by eco-terrorists

for the 47th time, we are going to change our school mascot. [all groan] - but, mr. garrison, if we change our mascot, that means the eco-terrorists win. - that's right, stanley, the eco-terrorists win. now, i have here a mascot selection sheet. every student is supposed to check the box next to the mascot they like the most. and the most popular selection will be the school's new mascot. - but we like being the cows. - you're responsible for the enslavement and genocide of millions! - get--get out of here, peta! we're changin' the mascot already! - we speak for those who cannot speak for themselves! - go on, get outta here! get--get out! jesus, where do they keep coming from? go on, get outta here. - this is bullcrap, dude! - now, children, it's not that bad. there's plenty of great new mascots on the sheet to choose from: the hurricanes, the blizzards, the redskins, the indians... - but aren't indians and redskins just as offensive? - no, those are fine. peta doesn't care about people.

- god damn it, vegans piss me off! now, we're gonna end up with a stupid eagle or a faggy bobcat as a mascot. - wait, you guys! i have an awesome idea. we should secretly go around and tell all the students we can to not check any of the mascots on the selection sheet and instead, write in "giant douche." - yeah! - [muffled] yeah, that'll be awesome! - then, no, wait, wait! i got a better idea, you guys. what we should do is, we should secretly go around and tell all the students we can to not check any of the mascots on the selection sheet and instead write in "turd sandwich." [laughing] - turd sandwich isn't better than giant douche. - it's only about 1,000 times better. am i right, guys? come on, we have to tell everybody fast. this is gonna be so funny! - it was my idea, and we're gonna tell everyone to write in giant douche! - it's way funnier! - it is not! - kenny, what's funnier, giant douche or a turd sandwich? - [muffled] giant douche. - ah, you're just saying that because i broke your cat's leg last week! - stan, do you pick giant douche or turd sandwich? - dude, i really don't care. - that's 2 against 1, if stan doesn't care. so it's giant douche. - wait, wait, what about butters? - huh? - you hate butters! - god damn it, you guys, butters is our friend! and he should be allowed to have his opinion! butters, which is funnier?

a stupid, not funny giant douche or a super funny turd sandwich? - ha-ha, turd sandwich! - you misled him, fat ass! - it's the best choice, and me and butters are sticking with it. - yeah! what's this for? - jimmy, we're gonna have everyone write in a mascot that's really funny, and you have to tell us which one would be funnier. - that's a fantastic idea, fellas. the key to successful humor is staying power. tell me the first mascot idea. a giant douche. - [chuckles] okay, that's pretty funny. now, what's the second? - a turd sandwich. - [chuckles] okay, okay, now, let's wait ten seconds. okay, now tell me the first one again? - giant douche. - and the second? - turd sandwich. - jeez, they're both screamingly funny, fellas. better give it another ten seconds. all right, now we'll see which one really has staying power. number one? - a giant douche. - okay, i think that's it. number two? - turd sandwich. - jeez, i don't know what to tell you, fellas.

they're both instant classics. but i guess i'll have to go with giant douche, simply because the fact that it is a giant renders it useless, adding a parody slant to the satire. - awww! - aw, we lost? - all right, it's decided. let's all write in "giant douche." - okay, you win, kyle. - attention, students, we have tallied your mascot nomination sheets, and there will now be a school-wide vote between the top two nominations. so here's the first most requested candidate: a giant douche. - ♪ y'all ready for this ♪ [dance music] - go, giant douche! - hey, south park! have we got school spirit? [sparse clapping] we've got spirit, yes, we do! giant douches, me and you! let's goooo... douches! [scattered clapping] - and now your second nominee, turd sandwich.

- ♪ who let the dogs out? ♪ ♪ who, who, who, who, who ♪ ♪ who let the dogs out? ♪ - all right, turd sandwich! - cartman, what the hell? - giant douche sucks! - we've got spirit, yes, we do! we are sandwiches filled with poo, yeah! [sparse clapping] - students can now cast their choice between the giant douche and the turd sandwich. we'll count up the votes on tuesday. - you won't get more votes than us, asshole! - game on, jew-boy! - yeah, game on, jew-boy! [school bell rings] - be sure to vote for giant douche! - [muffled] giant douche, he's the best! - giant douche is your man! - kyle, aren't you taking this a little too far? i mean, do we really want a giant douche to be our school mascot? - dude, i am not going to lose to cartman's stupid turd sandwich. [patriotic electronic flute playing] - vote for turd sandwich! this is the most important election of your lives. turd sandwich brings the hope for change! a vote for turd sandwich is a vote for tomorrow. - there, you really want that asshole to win? - i'm not voting. - what? you gotta vote, dude.

haven't you seen the "rock the vote" stuff or puff daddy's "vote or die"? - i just think this whole thing is stupid. - kenny, we have got to make stan understand the importance of voting, because he'll definitely vote for our guy. - yeah! - how was school today, stanley? - it was ridiculous. we have to have a new school mascot, and we're supposed to vote between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. - what did you say? - did you just say that voting is ridiculous? - no, i think voting is great, but if i have to choose between a douche and a turd, i just don't see the point. - you don't see the point! oh, you young people just make me sick! - stanley, do you know how many people died so you could have the right to vote? - mom, i just don't think there's much of a difference between a douche and a turd. i don't care. - you don't care! you really want a turd sandwich as your school mascot! on your football helmets-- a turd! - well, hold on, randy. i think a turd sandwich is a little better than them having a giant douche on their uniforms. - you're crazy! a douche is at least clean. - it's sexist is what it is! - you don't understand the issues, sharon! - are you calling me ignorant?

- if you think the school mascot should be a turd sandwich, you're not exactly einstein! - i am sick of you belittling my opinion, you son of a bitch! [glass shatters] - i hate this family. i hate it! [doorbell rings] - puff daddy? - your friend kyle told me you don't understand the importance of voting. - i-- - apparently you haven't heard of my vote or die campaign. - vote or die, what the hell does that even mean? - what you think it means, bitch? - ahhhh! - ♪ vote or die, mother[...], mother[...], vote or die! ♪ - ♪ rock the vote or else i'm gonna ♪ ♪ stick a knife through your eye ♪ - ♪ democracy is founded on one simple rule ♪ - ♪ get out there and vote, or i will mother[...] kill you ♪ yeah. ♪ i like it when you vote, bitch, bitch ♪ ♪ shake them titties when you vote, bitch, bitch ♪ ♪ i'll slam my jimmy through your mouth roof, mouth roof ♪ ♪ now, get your big ass in the polling booth ♪ ♪ i said, vote, bitch, or i'll [...] kill you ♪

- ♪ vote or die, mother[...], mother[...], vote or die! ♪ - ♪ you can't run from a .38, go ahead and try ♪ - ♪ let your opinion be heard, you gotta make a choice ♪ - ♪ 'cause after i slit your throat ♪ ♪ you won't have a [...] voice ♪ ♪ vote or die ♪ vote or die! - okay, i'll vote. [bell dings] are you good? no, i think i'm late on my car insurance. good thing the general gives you a break when you need it. yeah, with flexible payment options to keep you covered. just tag us in. like right now?! oh...i was talking about insurance. ouaaaahhhh! [bell dings] for a great low rate, go with the general. - after military service, you bring a lot back to civilian life. leadership skills. technical ability. and a drive to serve in new ways.

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- we were just wondering who you might be voting for, for the new school mascot. - i haven't decided yet. - oh, really? well, that's interesting. you certainly should think about it and make the right decision. butterscotch candy? - sure. - clyde, are you aware of what turd sandwich can bring to our school? - turd sandwich is not only the first turd to be nominated school mascot but even the first sandwich. - you see, what turd sandwich brings to our school, clyde, is a complete package-- the turd and the bread and the lettuce and the olive. - whereas giant douche is just, well, just a giant douche. - so come voting day, you'll now most likely vote for the turd sandwich, yes? - i'm still not totally sure. - well, then perhaps we could interest you in... another butterscotch candy?

- you're doing the right thing, stan. don't you feel like you're a part of something now? - i guess. [gun cocks] - look, it may not seem important now, but your vote really does count. and we all have to do our part. - okay. - whoa, wait, what are you doing? - i'm voting. - no, you wrote down turd sandwich. - yeah, i know. - dude, you're supposed to vote for giant douche. - i thought i was supposed to make my own decision. - well, yeah, but not if your decision is for turd sandwich! what the hell is wrong with you? - wait a minute. you didn't want me to vote! you wanted me to vote for your guy! - well, i just figured you'd vote for my guy! whose [bleep] friend are you? puffy! - hey, [bleep] off, kyle! don't let them intimidate you, stan. i'll help walk you to the booth. and then i'm gonna buy you a nice steak dinner with all the trimmings. - oh, forget it! i'm not gonna be persuaded into voting, and i'm not gonna be threatened into voting if i don't feel comfortable with it! i'm not gonna vote, and you all can just live with it! - we've simply had it with your son, mr. and mrs. marsh! voting just doesn't appear to be important to him. - stanley, when you left for school this morning, you said you were going to vote! - the whole thing is a joke!

- you see? he's out of control! it's nearly torn our whole family apart. - well, my hands are tied. we can no longer have stan's behavior jeopardizing the other children. he must be removed. - oh, are you happy now, stan? you just got yourself suspended. - no, i'm afraid it's worse than that. by county law, i'm bound to enforce the harshest punishment possible. - expulsion? - no, banishment. - b-banishment? - you can appeal to the city council, but i don't think it'll do any good. your son must leave south park, never to return. - oh, randy! [sobbing] - our son...banished! where did we go wrong? [sobbing] - you...you're all joking, right? - as it was in the time of our forefathers, so it is now. stan marsh, for not following our most sacred of rites, you are hereby banished from south park for all eternity or until you decide that voting is important.

good-bye, stan. may the gods treat you more kindly than we did. - stan, don't you think this has gone far enough? is it really that big a deal? yeah, just vote. for giant douche. - i'm not voting! - yo, puffy, man, we just gonna let this happen? we got to kill this non-votin' fool! - no, chester, just let him go. he won't survive a fortnight in the wilderness. - this is breaking your mother's heart, stan. she couldn't even help tie you to the horse. - dad, isn't this a little extreme? - jesus. i guess maybe you'll never understand how important voting is. good-bye, son. yah!

[horn sounds] that's one of the hardest things a parent ever has to do. - look. what is that? - oh, the poor thing! - hello? - don't worry, we'll free you. - just sit still for a moment. - oh, thank god. - get off of him, you filthy human! - poor thing needs water! - you're safe now. - shame on you, making this horse your slave! - awww! - come, you can live with us. - we will give you food and shelter. - what about me? - open the gate!

- this poor creature's in need of food and water. you have a home here, friend. - the "kid" wants to stay too. - i was put on the horse. i didn't wanna ride it. - i don't know if you can stay. we'll have to ask dr. cornwallis; come. we don't normally allow outsiders. you see, here, we live in harmony with he animals. they're not our pets but our fellow living beings. we work with the animals and try to live as they do. we make friends with the animals. we coexist, and we intermarry. this is my wife, janice. the outside world looks down on a man marrying a llama. but our love knows no boundaries. - wow, you guys really love animals.

- and why not? mark here has been with kelly for three years now. and gary and sally here have just managed to have a child together. - kill me. - yes, life here is good and natural. but now that you know where our compound is, you'll have to either live with us or be murdered. - i'll live with you. - it's not up to you. you will have to talk with dr. cornwallis. - [munching] what did he say? - he said i can stay. - excellent! dr. cornwallis is wise beyond his years. here's your peta t-shirt and a bumper sticker.

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learn more at descovy.com. my name's cody archie. and i'm erica. cody: and we're first generation ranchers from central texas. erica: and because of tiktok, we're able to show people from all over the world where their food and fiber come from. cody: we have dorper sheep and we have beef cattle for the sole purpose of going into the food chain. we use tiktok as a tool to inform people of what we do and why we do it. there's just a plethora of knowledge and of information swapping going on there. tiktok is helping us protect this way of life for future generations. - this is "debate 2004" with your host, jim lehrer. - welcome to the cable access televised debate between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. we'll start with giant douche. sir, some students and parents are reluctant to have a giant douche represent them. what do you say to those people? - jim, first of all, i would like to thank you for monitoring this debate. and i would like to thank all of the students and their parents for coming. - oh, suck-up, suck-up! - shh!

- what? that's an obvious suck-up move. - but i would hope that those students and their parents who question my qualities would simply look at my opponent. he is a turd sandwich. - you're a turd sandwich. - no, sir, if you'll pardon me, you are, in fact, the turd sandwich. - you're a turd sandwich! - sir, you are a turd sandwich. - you're a turd sandwich! - uh, turd sandwich, i will ask you not to speak out of turn. - i'm sorry, jim. - anyway, as i was saying-- uh, wait, i forgot what i was saying. - ha, what a douche. - all right, turd sandwich, this next question is for you. how should south park elementary enforce its laws of conduct for young athletes during sporting events? - you know, my opponent wouldn't even know the answer to that question. if you ask him the same question, he would not answer it. he would stand around and just babble on and on about nothing until finally, he was saved by the buzzer-- [buzzer] - your time is up, turd.

- stan, i want to introduce you to my stepdaughter, theresa. she seems to have taken a liking to you. and she's ovulating. - uh, no, thanks, that's okay. - stan, some peta members are growing concerned that maybe you don't love animals. - i do love animals, just not like you guys do. - you don't belong here, stan. you should return home. - i can't; i was banished for not voting. - but why on earth wouldn't you want to vote? - i think voting is great; i just didn't care this time because it was between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. - but, stan, don't you know? it's always between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. nearly every election, since the beginning of time, has been between some douche and some turd. they're the only people who suck up enough to make it that far in politics. - i guess... i guess you're right. - yo, what did i say was going to happen to you, bitch? - ahh! - ah! he's wearing the skin of an animal! take that!

i hope that teaches you a lesson about wearing fur. - idius, ronicus? [gunfire] vote or die! - protect the animals! protect the animals! ugh-ugh, ugh... - janice, we shall die together in each other's arms! [gunshots] - oh, kill me! kill me! - m'kay, that's one more vote for turd sandwich. - so who won, mr. mackey? - it's pretty close, but it looks like giant douche is gonna win! - oh, no, no! - ha, you lose, fat ass! - hey, wait a minute! look! - stan!

- stan, you came back, does that mean... you learned the importance of voting? - i learned that i'd better get used to having to pick between a douche and a turd sandwich because it's usually the choice i'll have. - he's going to vote! - he's going to vote! - he's going to vote! - ♪ let's get out and vote ♪ ♪ let's make our voices heard ♪ ♪ we've been given the right to choose ♪ ♪ between a douche and a turd ♪ ♪ it's democracy in action ♪ ♪ put your freedom to the test ♪ ♪ a big fat turd or a stupid douche ♪ ♪ which do you like best? ♪ - stan's vote brings the total votes for turd sandwich to 36! and giant douche has 1,410. giant douche still wins! [all cheering] [all groaning] - dude, so my vote didn't even really matter! - hey! that's not true, stan. - you can't judge the merits of voting on whether or not your candidate won. - your vote still mattered. - hey, everybody! they just found all the peta members

murdered at their compound! [all gasping] - what? they're all dead? that means-- - that we can go back to being the south park cows! [all cheering] - now your vote didn't matter. - ♪ let's get out and vote ♪ ♪ let's make our voices heard ♪ ♪ we've been given the right to choose ♪ ♪ between a douche and a turd ♪ ♪ it's democracy in action ♪ ♪ put your freedom to the test ♪ captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ gonna ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪le fos - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪