- bail. - yep, b-b-b-bail. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> jon: oh, yes! oh, baby! we've got a good one! come on! welcome to "the daily show!" my name is jon stewart. we've got a hell of a show for you tonight. first and foremost, wanted to thank everybody for such kind words about my dog, truly meant a lot to me, i took great comfort in it. but before we do anything, breaking news! >> this is cnn breaking news. >> we begin with the breaking news this morning. the united states supreme court ruling that former president donald trump cannot be removed from any state's ballot for his actions on january 6. >> jon: i think the real

breaking news -- [audience reacts] oh, pipe down. they know better than the supreme court. [laughter] "and all my years of law school, i couldn't believe the arguments!" i think the real breaking news here is, wolf blitzer and i appear to be merging! we are becoming one! [cheers and applause] blitzer! by the way, the supreme court, 9-0, the ruling was, "let donnie cook!" really. so let that be a lesson to all you out there who might be thinking about subverting the constitution in a presidential election. you go, boy! for more on the supreme court's ruling, we turn to our own desi lydic live at the supreme court. [cheers and applause] desi, thank you for joining us down there tonight.

i will warn you before you do the report, the audience is filled with law students. so desi, democrats have to be disappointed in this ruling. >> yes, democrats are doing more shower-crying than normal today, jon. but they are still confident that a conviction in the january 6th trial can keep trump out of the white house. >> jon: but desi, that's seemingly not likely to happen before election day. >> right. but fortunately, trump has three other criminal trials coming up. one of those has to be a conviction, so democrats are optimistic. >> jon: but trump can still be president if he's convicted. i mean, none of the cases will stop that. >> right. i'm glad you brought that up, jon. democrats say if none of these cases go their way, there is still another avenue to pursue. >> jon: the getting more votes scenario? >> they're not there yet. they were gonna lay reese's pieces out in a trail,

that leads into a golden tent labeled "mar-a-lago" that can only be zipped from the outside. or they've discussed making him the next golden bachelor. once he's surrounded by women his own age, democrats believe he will spontaneously combust. >> jon: i -- i still think the more votes -- >> democrats find a witch. the witch turns donald trump into a bird. the bird isn't there on election day, having already migrated to a warmer climate. >> jon: desi, the election is obviously tight. the battleground states are going to be difficult, but clearly there is still a path to victory for democrats, even if narrow! >> oh, yes, you're talking about sending trump an apple vision pro, preloaded with porn, so he'll be too busy masturbating to campaign.

[laughter and cheering] >> jon: that could work. desi lydic, everyone. there you have it. [cheers and applause] i think maybe the last one, that does sound plausible. there you have it, that breaking news, the presidential election is still on. we now return you to your regularly scheduled presidential election year programming. >> fox news alert. america's border crisis boiling over. >> chaos at the border. >> the never-ending surge of migrants crashing across our southern border. >> jon: yes, every two to four years, we are reminded that we have a southern border and it is porous. >> there is a migrant crime spree killing americans and the president's an accessory to murder. >> we are being overwhelmed. there is no word to describe this except invasion. >> illegal invaders invading america pouring over our border by the millions. >> criminals, rapists,

murderers, child predators, and god knows who else. [boos] >> jon: god knows who else? i mean, statistically, a couple of them at least have to be podcasters! murderers? but point taken, i think my pants just shit their pants. and if you're thinking that these are just some central americans no-goodniks, think again. >> the countries we know they're coming from: iran, number one state sponsor of terror, their satellite country, syria, egypt, home of the muslim brotherhood, afghanistan, home of al qaeda. 10,000 plus from russia. >> record numbers of chinese men, of military age, who have come across our border. >> the number of military-aged men that are showing up with military haircuts, clearly in shape, these guys showing up with six packs and military boots.

[laughter and applause] >> jon: [in dr. phil voice] they are clearly -- tight asses and, i mean, there's not an ounce of fat on these [bleep]. it is a hunk fest. i'm hard right now. going down there and goddamn, i want to get ass deep on these immigrants i want to [bleep] and suck until this country -- i want to stick -- cash me outside, how bout dat? [in regular voice] [cheers and applause] the crowd loves my dirty phil. we got criminals, terrorists, anyone else we should be worried

about? >> anybody ever hear of hannibal lecter? he was a nice fellow, but that's what's coming into our country right now. [laughter] >> jon: wouldn't cannibals amongst them be the solution to the problem? or are they fasting until they get to america? it is clear hyperbole, but there does seem to be bipartisan agreement now that the border is a problem. there were 300,000 crossings in december alone, that's an all-time high. and that is not sustainable. but the republicans turned down the chance to pass a strong border bill supported by the border patrol union because of how confident they are that fear-mongering will be an effective election year strategy. it's all about branding. >> i call it migrant crime. i really call it biden migrant crime, but it's too long.

so let's just call it migrant crime and everyone's going to know it's because of biden. we will call it from now on biden migrant crime, okay? it's bigrant crime. this is -- we'll call it, i got it, bigrant. let's call it bigrant, biden crime bi -- oh, that's -- that's good. that's smart. bigrant crime. >> jon: it's a portmanteau. i'm not completely sold on "bi-grant." it really just sounds like a migrant who's open to crossing either border. migrant crime. bigrant. look, there are some undocumented migrants who are committing crimes, some of them horrific. but isn't that true for every demographic including natives? i feel pretty confident there's still a lot of opportunity out

there for our american home-grown criminals. but if it's enough of an issue that on thursday, we had ourselves a good old fashioned border-off, as both men saddled up and headed to the southern border. trump headed to eagle pass and biden headed to brownsville. it was bitch-ass cassidy versus the sundown kid. and biden was fired up! >> we're the -- [shouting] united states of america. >> jon: nailed it! he knew exactly who we are! yes! he knew what country we are in! bang, boom! this is the united states of america! i take back everything i said a month ago! lay out your proposal! >> i understand my predecessor is in eagle pass today. so here's what i would say to mr. trump. instead of playing politics with the issue, instead of telling members of congress to block this legislation, join me or i'll join you in telling the congress to pass this bipartisan border security bill.

we can do it together. >> jon: ladies and gentlemen, the olive branch has been extended across the aisle, in a show of genuine desire to solve this complex and vexing issue. trump, your response? >> crooked joe has the blood of countless innocent victims. >> jon: mm, that's a no. seriously, though, "crooked joe?" that's what we're going with? >> crooked joe biden. he's crooked. i took the name away from hillary, because she's no longer relevant, i guess. >> jon: do you have to say everything that happens in your head out loud? it's been eight years! you [bleep] won! the woman has been through enough, now you're gonna take away her nickname? what are you doing?

but let me tell you something, trump, -- i don't know why i got serious they are. you can't scare the democrats. because the one thing the democrats have is principles. when it comes to immigration, the democrats hold to our country's cherished ideals. the eternal promise etched at the feet of lady liberty that speaks to our better angels. [cheers and applause] >> the only way we're gonna have a great future in america is if we welcome and embrace immigrants. >> these people are folks that we should be helping. america welcomes immigrants. >> we want people to come here despite where they came from or despite the circumstances that drove them to this country. >> this is a place where the statue of liberty sits in the harbor and we say, bring us your tired. those who are yearning to be free. >> jon: unshakeable, bedrock american values of compassion and empathy.

and there is not a damn thing you can do to change that. >> buses arriving in new york city from texas, one after another, filled with migrants seeking asylum. >> jon: that's all you got? nice try texas, but you heard the mayor! we're new york [bleep] city, how dare you? no disrespect. but you're never gonna change our values just because you're afraid! so keep sending those busloads! cause we got plenty of room in our hearts and in this city! >> we have no more room in the city. [cheers and applause] [laughter] >> jon: but what about the yearnings and the tiredness? and the tiredness of those who are doing the yearning? >> 110,000 migrants, we have to

feed, clothe, house, educate the children, wash their laundry sheets. this issue will destroy new york city. destroy new york city. >> jon: i mean, they're supposed to be doing our sheets! what's going on around here? what kind of topsy-turvy world are we living in over here? yes, it turns out in the age-old battle between values and fear, values never had a [bleep] chance! it took two busloads of venezuelans to go from this to this! so this is the terrible cycle america is caught in. democrats, whose high-minded values and principles did not survive a contact high with reality, and republicans, whose desire to solve the problem isn't nearly as strong as their desire to exploit it. and no one wins. well, except this guy.

>> clearly in shape, these guys are showing up with six packs and military boots. >> jon: learn more in his new special "dr. phil straddles the border." when we come back, author jonathan blitzer will be joining me. don't go away. [cheers and applause] lay's wavy potato chips are made for dipping. so, you'll spill less dip and break fewer chips.

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♪ seems like the road i'm on ♪ ♪ every sign ♪ ♪ just seems unclear ♪ ♪♪ ♪ and i, ♪ ♪ i wish i was here ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight covers immigration for "the new yorker," and his new book is called "everyone who is gone is here: the united states, central america, and the making of a crisis." please welcome to the program jonathan blitzer! sir! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ sir!

thank you for joining us. first thing is first. what are you doing to me? >> [laughs] >> jon: i have a family, i have a wife. this is a very long book. >> you don't have to read the notes. >> jon: oh, son of a bitch. what an incredibly thorough documentation of the causes of the immigration crisis, the discussions that have been going on through multiple administrations. in your mind, what has us trapped in this sort of specificity and nightmare? >> for years and years, we watched in this loop as politicians in washington say we can't pass copperheads of immigration reform because of the situation at the border. and yet, the situation at the border is in a state of chaos because we have not passed comprehensive immigration reform. as a result, it has borne the brunt of the otherwise failing system. so we are stuck in this loop where lawmakers in washington went to the border to justify their inaction and the border is

in a state of chaos and it is because of inaction in washington. >> jon: i almost never hear politicians talking about how many people can you absorb? when you tell me they're going to be 2 million people coming to the southern border and they are just being kind of logged and released, that sounds utterly chaotic and a recipe for disaster. but how many people can this country absorb? what do we need for economic growth? what is a better system? i feel like we never talk about that. we just react to images of chaos. >> absolutely. we can't talk about one aspect of immigration system without the view of the other. so if we are only ever talking about the southern border, we are missing the entire picture that we need to better understand. just as an example, right now -- you don't have to take my word for it. >> jon: i sure do. >> you don't. >> jon: you are the only one. >> until you read the footnotes. the chairman of the federal reserve, economists

across the country, everyone has pointed to the fact that immigrant labor has essentially kept this country's economy afloat following the covid hears. and so this is the engine of growth. the population is getting older -- >> jon: immigrant labor can be more easily exploited is paid laws, starts to depress wages for a lot of other people. is that not accurate? >> i don't think it is entirely. i think it is -- >> jon: somewhat accurate? reasonably accurate? >> well, until there are ways of absorbing an immigrant labor force legally into the country, there are always going to be opportunities for employers to exploit the undocumented and in the process, to drive down working wages. and so the idea is, there needs to be a thoroughgoing reform to the system and the problem is, of course, and washington, that has been dead on arrival for decades. we are kind of in this doom loop where the border is the symbol of everything, but obviously, and the commonsensical way, the only way to approach this

broader problem to deal with every aspect of the system. >> jon: this is where you drop us, you drop a little drop of sunshine and you say, but here is the news. go. >> [laughs] what is in here? >> jon: no! >> i would say the good news is that from a policy perspective, at least doing some other things to relieve pressure on the southern border are no great mystery to lawmakers they are for the problem, of course, is the politics, but it doesn't require any great feat of the imagination. >> jon: this is not a complexity beyond the imagination of human beings. >> correct. >> jon: we don't have to restabilize areas we destabilized to really get a handle on it. it's about fixing the system of influx. >> i mean, i think overall, the only way to kind of deal with migration trends in the world is to understand the forces in a global context. and that means that the united states has to be more mindful of the consequences of its foreign policy, has to work

with partners in the region. >> jon: i'm sorry, i blacked out when you said -- you said something about mindful foreign policy and i just started thinking about u2 in the sphere. i don't know what is going on. >> i will say, reforming the asylum system specifically is a complex task and i do think some hard decisions have to be made about reckoning with the population of people showing up at the southern border and kind of understanding with the limits are of the asylum system as we know it. but before we get to a point of having to make these major sacrifices to a system that i think really should be a core part of american policy, for ethical reasons and just for a straight-ahead policy reasons -- >> jon: branding. to say nothing else. >> there are things that can be done, basic things, like sending more money to the government to hire more asylum officers, more immigration judges. these things sound boring, they sound wonky. very specifically, republicans in congress are trying to block

these very straight-ahead, basic measures from taking place. just basic funding measures because they benefit from increased chaos of the southern border. there are things that can be done -- >> jon: so until the election, there is no hope until after the election to even address any of it. >> i mean, it is pretty overwhelming to see right now republicans in congress basically say, we are not going to touch this. i mean, they've set it explicitly. >> jon: they are saying this is the greatest danger to america, maybe ever, and we are not going to do anything because we think it is a great issue. i mean, that is truly devious. >> yeah. and the plot of that playing out was, the administration, the biden administration onto congress and said, we need more money to increase resources of the southern border. >> jon: but they were slow on the uptick as well. >> absolutely. there is plenty that the biden and restoration can be faulted for. they go to congress, ask for money, that doesn't work, republicans say, no, we need to see further changes to the asylum system as we know.

the ad administration goes to the negotiating table, makes a series of compromises at the democrats were not comfortable making years ago. pretty significant changes just in their own orientation of the conversation. they finally brokered this deal. this isn't just a -- this is a bipartisan deal. you have mitch mcconnell saying to his senate members, listen, the politics of this -- the phrase he used as reported was "the politics have changed." the politics having changed were, trump came out against this negotiation. >> jon: wow. >> it was a very clear calculation that was made that we benefit from the situation getting worse. >> jon: that is so tough because mcconnell is usually so idealistic. it is just hard to see. i was shocked. it is shocking. of these self-serving politics. that is not the guy i know. [laughter] [applause] "everyone who is gone is here." jonathan blitzer.

we're gonna take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [street noise] [text message] whole team is here! ♪ ♪ coffee? ah! yes! thank you!

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hey, can i get a verdinha? a what? hekkene? moneken? heini! hakkinen, please. me? ♪♪ wait, how do you spell it? ♪♪ heinekenne. ♪♪ the green one. ah. ♪♪ hakkinen? yes. [cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show for tonight! but before we go, let's check in with your host for the rest of the week, mr. ronny chieng, ladies and gentlemen! so nice to see you. big week.

you've got super tuesday tomorrow. >> yeah, i guess. >> jon: state of the union on thursday, ronny. >> mhm, mhm, yeah. >> jon: is there something else you are planning on covering here? >> where is kate middleton? [cheers and applause] where are you, kate? some people think she's dead. some people think she got a bbl. my theory is, they didn't turn the bbl machine off in time, and now she's all bbl. so stop looking for kate middleton, and start looking for a princess-sized bbl. >> jon: it's an important story. keep following that. ronny chieng at the desk this week, ladies and gentlemen. here it is. your "moment of zen." >> it is nothing in the case of biden on thursday, a cynical, political stunt. biden the president. it is beyond disgraceful that he

will be at the border with president trump on thursday. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> sorry. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪

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- come on, wendy, we're gonna miss it! - we're gonna miss what? - paris hilton is making an appearance at the mall! - who's paris hilton? - who's paris hilton? - you don't know? - hello, everyone. the guess clothing company is pleased to have as its new spokesperson and model... a woman all you young ones can look up to, miss paris hilton. [screams and applause] - wow, that's really her. paris, over here. - i don't get it, what does she do? - she's super-rich. - but what does she do? - she's totally spoiled and snobby. - what does she do? - she's a whore. - hey, everyone. sorry if i'm a little spent, i did a whole lot of partying last night with a lot of different guys.

[hacking] anyway, i'm pleased to be here in gouth dark to announce the opening of my brand-new store, a store where girls can buy everything they need to be just like me. "stupid spoiled whore." [cheers and applause] have fun girls, and remember to party and be super-lame to everybody. bye. gimme that. [bleep] christ, i need a drink. [gagging] where's my dog? - wow, look at all this great stuff. stupid spoiled whore clothes. stupid spoiled whore dolls. - hey, check it out. the new paris hilton perfume, "skanque". - skanque. - oh, yeah, let's get lots of that. - you guys, don't buy this stuff. why do you want to be like paris hilton? - it's not just paris. britney spears, christina aguilera, tara reid... they're all stupid spoiled whores. - but the idea that we'll be whorish for money is belittling to our gender. - wendy, get a clue. the only thing more important than being rich is being famous. - wow, you really sound like a dumb brat, bebe. - thanks, annie.

- god, get me out of this hick town. what a bunch of rednecks. everybody is so [bleep] lame. except for you, my little tinker bell. you love me vewy much don't you. how much you wove me? i'm gonna dress you up like a bunny. and then i'm gonna dress you up like a little princess. you're mine forever. [cell ringing] whatever. oh, hey gacy. oh, another stupid store opening in some lame cowboy town. oh it's so [bleep] stupid. this whole town stinks like cows. i can't wait to get out of here, grody. they have the lamest stores too. i'm gonna go to rome for the weekend i think, i don't know, rome or tokyo. either way it'll be totally boring, stupid. [hacking] i need to get wasted. i haven't had a drink in like, 14 minutes. why is everybody so stupid, anyway? i flashed all these hicks my boobs. you should have seen the looks on their faces, stupid redneck idiots. [screams] - oh dear. - another dog killed itself!

- hey, jessie. hey, kal. do you guys mind if i hang out with you? the other girls are acting really strange. - sure, wendy. we were just trying to think of something to do. - oh, well, you want to maybe go to the art museum? - nah, that sounds really dull. - hey, i know. let's make a video tape of us having sex with boys. - what? - i just got the stupid spoiled whore video play set. - ♪ stupid spoiled whore video play set ♪ - we can make videos that get out on the internet. - yeah! - ♪ stupid spoiled whore video play set ♪ ♪ show the whole world ♪ ♪ what a slut you are ♪ - stupid spoiled whore video play set comes with video camera, night vision filter, play money, lose-able cell phone, and sixteen hits of ecstasy. - ♪ stupid spoiled whore video play set ♪ ♪ let everyone see your koo-hoo-hooch ♪ - i'm pretending to be calling my friends on the cell phone, while my man waits for more sex. - you're a stupid spoiled whore. where are you going wendy? - [sobbing] - it's all right, miss hilton,

we'll find you another dog. - [sobbing] - there, there, now. let's just get you back home, shall we? - [sobbing] wait, wait, stop the car. stop the car, you [bleep] moron. look at how cuute. i want that. i want that! - ♪ loo loo loo, i've got some apples ♪ ♪ loo loo loo, you got some too ♪ - it's adorable. - ♪ loo loo loo, let's make some applesauce ♪ ♪ take off our clothes and loo loo loo ♪ - look at his wittle puff ball. i'm going to feed you and take care of you and call you "mr. biggles." - my name's butters. - driver, put mr. biggles in the car. i want to find a bear costume for him. won't he be so cute dressed up as a bear? - paris, i believe this is somebody's child. - i want it. - i don't think you can actually-- - i want it. i waaant it! - all right, all right. come on, young man. - i'm sorry, ma'am, i'd like to be your boyfriend and all, even though you have kind of a big nose, but my parents told me never get into a car with a stranger.

- well, did they say anything about limousines? - butters, never get into a car with a stranger... unless its a limousine. - oh, yeah, actually they did say that'd be all right. - get in the limo, mr. biggles. we're gonna have a bear costume made for you. - and now back to the price is right. - [sigh] - hi, sweetie. what's the matter? - mom, dad, i'm growing concerned about the role models young women have in today's society. - oh? - it seems that lewdness and shallowness are being exalted, while intellectualism is looked down upon. - gosh. - i think young women are being marketed to by corrupt, moral-less corporations. - well, we'll get right on fixing that, sweetie. want to watch the price is right? - dad, there's a new store at the mall called "stupid spoiled whore" and i'm going to go there and buy a thong. - what? no daughter of mine is going to dress like a whore. we're marching down to that store right now, young lady.

oh, my god. well, this place is-- oh, my god. mrs. faulk, you're buying this stuff for your daughter? - it's what's in right now. i can't have my little girl be the only one not in a trend. she'll be unpopular. - unpopular? if she's not a whore? but these are our girls. - i think it's empowering for them. i mean, sure, if a man wants to be a whore it's "normal," but if a woman wants to be one, it's "wrong." - that's right. - yeah. - yeah, when a man pees standing up, it's "normal," but if a woman does it, it's "weird." - yeah. - you tell him. that's right. - yeah, like when men shave their balls its "fine," but when a woman does it, she's "strange." - it's not fair. - you said it. yeah. - all the girls in south park are gonna be total sluts from now on. so you can just get used to it. - yeah, will you buy me that purse i want over there? i'll do anything, 'cause i'm a whore. - oh, sure, i can buy a purse. - dad. - no, wendy, i think they're right. you see, you have to believe in the rights of women.

for too long, they've had to live a double standard. ooh, yeah. i'm sorry i've been so chauvinistic, wendy. from now on you can have whatever you want from this store. i'll help make you the stupidest, most spoiled whore of them all. all: hooray. - butters, would you mind telling us why you're dressed up like a bear? - oh, well, uh, my sorta-girlfriend dressed me up like this. - your girlfriend? - there you are, mr. biggles. oh, i thought i'd lost you. promise you'll never leave me. - butters, you're dating paris hilton? you are grounded, mister. - i'm sorry. - sweetheart, isn't paris hilton worth a lot of money? - chris, she's more than twice butters' age. - yes, and more than 3 billion times his net worth. everybody adores that girl, darling. we should be nice to her too, especially if she's in love with our son. - uh, paris would you like to have some cocoa with us? - [hacking] with schnapps and scotch.

[hack] - so, paris, i understand you're from the prestigious hilton family. very nice hotels. - i gotta get outta here. this place is stupid. where am i? oh, i want to take mr. biggles with me. - with you where? - to live with me forever and ever, you dumb broad. how much? - how much? for butters? - butters... is our son. he's not for sale. - i'll give you $200 million for it. - excuse me? - i said i'll give you $200 million for it. i'll write you a check for mr. biggles right now. - chris, is she serious? - uh, butters, why don't you take paris up to your room for a little while? mommy and daddy have to talk. - mom, dad, i love you. please don't sell me to paris hilton-- - butters, right now. - we aren't honestly considering this? - darling, paris is a billionaire. she can give butters everything he wants. we'd be terrible parents not to consider it. - but he's our son. - i know, darling, but look... we have to think about the rest of the family.

- the rest of the family-- you mean us? - yes, us, the rest of the family. - what should we do, mr. biggles? i drank too much. oh, my god. i'm so wasted. the room is all spinny. i'm...totally... passing out... [squish] [squish-squish]

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[school bell ringing]

- hey, bebe, i heard you were having a party tonight. - you wouldn't be interested, wendy. my parents are out of town, so it's a stupid spoiled whore party. - i'm a stupid spoiled whore. - right, please, wendy, you're like, class president and stuff. - yeah, and you get straight "a"s in school. - you're not even spoiled, because your parents give money to charity. - you don't want to go to this party, wendy. we're inviting all the boys, and we're gonna play spin the bottle and two minutes in the closet and do ketamine. - that's okay. - oh, please, do you even know what ketamine is? - yes. - see, you are too smart. - yeah, we have no idea what ketamine is. - sorry, wendy, you're just not a whore. get lost. all: yeah. [laughter] - hey, we better start inviting boys to the party. - ooh, look, here comes clyde. - party at my house tonight, clyde. you're invited. - mmm, i'd like a piece a that. - i want to do him. - oh, yeah, here comes kyle. - mmm, talk to me, kosher boy. - i'd like to twizzle his pixie stick. - party at my house tonight, kyle. - tweek and jason, that'd be a great three way. - yeah. they're invited too.

jason has a huge bulge. you're gonna get it boys. - now, here's what i'm talkin' about-- a little midnight blue. - yeah, i'd like to wax his crankshaft. - be at bebe's house tonight at 7:00. - [clearing throat] - look, here comes kevin. - hey, kevin, party at my house. - i'd like to gargle his marbles. - yeah, you said it. - see ya there, kev. - [in a high-pitched voice] ooh, there's cartman, we should invite him to the party for sure. [bleep] you, milly. [bleep] you, annie. [bleep] you, bebe. [bleep] you, whatever your name is. and [bleep] you, bitch. - huh, isn't that... well, that is the darndest thing i ever saw. [knocks at door] [gasps] - miss hilton? miss hilton? - ugh, where am i? ew, this room is all middle-class and small. - miss hilton, we've talked it over all night and... while your offer is enticing,

i'm afraid we just can't sell you our son for $200 million. it'll have to be $250 million, cash, up front. - oh, hamburgers. - yay, mr. biggles, you're mine forever. - please, i don't want to live with her. she's snores real bad, and she has a huge nose, and this squishy thing that lives in her pants. please, please, don't sell me to her! - all right, butters, tell you what, if you can raise the $250 million yourself, you can stay. - how am i supposed to make that kind of money? - it's called working, young man. your grandfather was a coal miner for 50 years. he never complained. get out there and start digging. - yes, sir. i got to mine some coal really fast. - that should keep him busy for a while while we get this transaction finished. now, miss hilton, how shall we start? - okay, that's two minutes. you can come out now clyde and beth. [all cheering]

how was he, beth? - we had a great time, didn't we, clyde? - [moaning] [knocks at door] - oh, hey, what's going on? i'm, uh, here for the party. - yeah? who invited you? - oh, uh, kelly. kelly invited me. - kelly who? - kelly ruther-ford-min-skin... - kelly rutherfordminskin? - yeah? - did you invite him? - no. - oh, wait. wait. it wasn't her, i forgot, it was kelly pinkertonsonfordter. - kelly pinkertonsonfordter? - what? - oh, god damn it. [doorbell ringing] - oh, hello, wendy. are you all right? - no. i need help. - from me? - actually, i was hoping to see your boyfriend. - well, sure, come on in. mr. slave is right over here. - [moaning] oh, jesus. jesus christ.

- mr. slave, little wendy from class wants to see you. - oh, hi, wendy. you need help with your math homework? - no, i need help becoming a dirty whore like you. - oh, dear. mr. slave, i think you and wendy better have a little talk. i'll make some cocoa. - mr. slave, you're the most perverted, lewd, depraved slut i know. - thank you, sweetie. - can you teach me your secret, fast? - honey, i didn't work to become a whore. i was born a whore. i've been one...ever since i can remember... ever since i was a little boy, i seemed to enjoy... different things. mommy, i think i have a fever. can you take my temperature? ooh, jesus christ. as i got older, i found that one boy was never enough. - hey, there's that queer kid. let's tackle him. - hey, yeah. tackle the queer kid. - yeah. get him. - we'll show you. - oooh, jesus christ.

so you see, i can't make you into a whore, wendy. but why would you want to be one anyway? - because all the other girls are. they're having a huge sex party right now, and i'm not invited. - a what? for god's sake, where? - ♪ you work 18 hours and what do you get ♪ ♪ parents sell you to paris hilton ♪ - look at that. a bear... mining for coal. - well, i never. - well, butters, how did it go? did you dig up $200 million worth of coal? - well, no, not quite. - oh, well, too bad, miss hilton did raise the money, so you'll be going off with her. - aw, shucks. - bye, sweetie, we love you. - smile, mr. biggles. this time i have to get a picture of my new pet before anything happens. - before what happens?

[screams] - mr. biggles? mr. biggles, come back. you better help me find him. no mr. biggles, no money. - oh, that troublemaking son of ours. butters, you get back here or you are grounded, mister.

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dealdash.com, online auctions since 2009. this playstation 5 sold for only 50 cents. this ipad pro sold for less than $34. and this nintendo switch, sold for less than $20. i got this kitchenaid stand mixer for only $56. i got this bbq smoker for 26 bucks. and shipping is always free. go to dealdash.com right now and see how much you can save. - oh, jesus. [record scratches to a halt] kids. kids. - ooh, party foul. - shut off the light. - oh, thank god. - girls, what on earth are you doing? - we're being stupid spoiled whores. - help, you got to hide me. don't tell her i'm in here. - what did you do, wendy, go rat on us because you're not invited to our paris hilton party? - okay, i think this has all gone far enough.

now look, the last person you want to be like is paris hilton. - mr. biggles? - paris hilton is a nobody. she may have money, but she's a thoughtless, talen-tless low-life. - who the [bleep] are you calling a low-life? - wow, paris hilton is at my party. i rule. - [screams] - hon, will you just tell these girls that being a whore isn't such a great thing? - what isn't great about it? what's more to life than partying? - look, girls, i've partied a lot, okay? and i'm telling you there's more to life. - you don't even know what partying is, loser. - sweetie, really, don't go there, okay? - oh, i went there. i went there, took some pictures, and flew back already. all: ooh. - wow, what a bitch. - sweetie, listen, i know you've done some "partying" in your bubbled little rich life, but you don't even want to know the kind of stuff i've done. i'm the real whore, and i'm telling you it isn't great. - oh, yeah? i challenge you to a whore-off.

all: ooh. - whore off. - whore off. - uh, testing. hello. okay, welcome, everyone. uh, the south park chamber of commerce is pleased to bring you the first annual "who is the biggest whore" showdown. [cheers and applause] - mr. slave has no idea what he's in for. - paris is gonna rock his world. - uh, i'm not quite sure how we start this competition off, but-- - i'll show you how we start it off. all: ooh. - what is mr. slave doing? he's just sitting there. - give him time, wendy. give him time. [whispering] come on, mr. slave. - back off. none of you losers are enough for me! [moaning] all: oh! - ♪ ta-da ♪ [cheers and applause]

- oh, no she di-n't. - [coughing] oh, jesus. - [screams] [grunting] ooh...jesus. [cheers and applause] - now, that's a whore. - wow, i guess paris isn't such hot [bleep] after all. - people, don't applaud me. i'm a dirty whore. being spoiled and stupid and whorish is supposed to be a bad thing, remember?

parents, if you don't teach your children that people like paris hilton are to be despised, where are they gonna learn it? you have to be the-- ooh, jesus christ-- you have to be the ones to make sure your daughters aren't looking up to the wrong people. - the homosexual is right. from now on, bebe, you're going to dress like a little girl. - wendy, we're sorry we called you names like "not stupid", and "not spoiled." - yeah, and i didn't mean to say you weren't a whore. - that's okay, you guys. - so...so that's it? no $200 million? well, butters, i hope you're happy. - i'm a bad bear. i'm very bad ol' bear. - you're a grounded ol' bear. - [moaning] oh, my god. it's so gross. let me out of here. what the [bleep] is that? - paris, you must find your way out of this place, or you will surely die. - what?