personally, i think darryl would be good. oh, it has to be darryl, or someone i don't know. i thought the woman who came in, she seemed like she had a fun energy. i'm not a sexist, i just really don't want it to be a woman. i just feel that women are generally less competent than men and less rational. again, i'm not a sexist. even andy-- they need to pick someone, just someone fast. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> jon: hey! come on! [cheers and applause] show time! welcome to "the daily show!" my name is jon stewart. we have a fabulous show for you tonight. you know what i'm not going to do tonight? i'm not going to overthink it, honestly, i'm just going to come out here like pacino at the oscars, mumble a few words, eventually you'll figure out what i was getting at. it's fine! the big event we need to talk about is the oscars of politics: the state of the union address. last thursday night. joseph raisinette biden the 12th!

[cheers and applause] he had the unenviable task of having to lay out his vision for the nation, whilst also demonstrating that he is not too old, not too tired to be the president of the united states, and that he wouldn't rather just die thousands of balloons to the white house and head to paradise falls. [laughter and applause] and so, president biden entered the house chamber! navigating through our divided congress, and barely, barely, barely getting past the bridge troll who guards the podium. what say you, sir? >> i say to the american people, when america gets knocked down, we get back up. my message to president putin, who i've known for a long time, is simple: we will not walk away. banning books: it's wrong! i say, stop it. stop it. stop it. stop it. pass universal background checks! send me the border bill now!

the state of our union is strong and getting stronger. [crowd chanting "four more years"] >> jon: which one of you pricks wants to fight? put up your dukes! biden is back, baby! i know all that all the haters have been out there, talking they are shit -- he is too old, he is too weak, he won't be able to make it, he is -- i see you haters. i know who you are! really. you know, we said in rehearsal, can you get me a prettier mirror? and boy, did they deliver. that is -- [cheers and applause] of course, by the way, the state

of the union was just the democratic message. board that message survive a concise and intelligent reb rebuttal? it happened on thursday. i should read the whole thing, though, i should. would it survive a concise and intelligent rebuttal from the g.o.p.? or whatever it was that alabama senator katie britt, to the kitchen, batman! >> our families are hurting. our country can do better. president biden's border policies are a disgrace. mr. president, enough is enough. end this crisis and stop the suffering. we see you. we hear you. and we stand with you.

>> jon: if you are going to stand with me, could you stand a little bit further away? i imagine one of her kids just came downstairs and was like, i'm sorry, mom, i just came down to get a bowl of cereal. i didn't realize you were losing your [bleep] mind. i will come back when the xannies kick in. everyone has had a little bit of a go at senator britt because her rebuttal was objectively terrible, but there was one 11 moment in her rebuttal that did not get as much attention that i thought was quite interesting. >> we are the party of hardworking parents and families. so i am asking you, for the sake of your kids and your grandkids, get into the arena.

never forget, we're steeped in the blood of patriots who overthrew the most powerful empire in the world. >> jon: two things. one: who smiles when they say the line "steeped in the blood of patriots?" and number two, this is just one more entry in the republican mythology that they are the inheritors of the american revolutionary tradition, that they somehow are more americany than nonrepublican americans. >> we are the party of the real american people. >> real america where people work hard. they're patriotic. they don't want to transform america like the democrats do. >> this liberal bubble in new york or in california that don't understand where real americans are at. >> the democrat elite very

simply hate america. >> jon: i don't think they hate america. they hate to room yogurt, is really -- yogurt is supposed to be very hot. just out of curiosity, what is it about the republican party that makes it american-er than the rest of us? >> we are the party and the ideology of the constitution. >> every decision that i make starts with asking this question, is this constitutional? >> i believe in this document. i carry it with me next to my heart because i refer to it daily. >> as we all know, the constitution starts with the three most important words outside the bible, "we the people." >> the power of we the people. >> we the people. >> the constitution, we believe in it, they do not.

[laughter] >> jon: why did you [bleep] rip it up? that was your copy! you said that that's what they do but you did it! you ripped it up! like, sinead o'connor is going, i believe in the pope! rip oh, yes, it is an article of faith that republicans love the constitution. they give speeches in front of the constitution. they cover their bosses in the constitution! they dress up like the people who wrote the constitution! do you, communists? with your on constitutioned buses and zero cornered hats? that is why these patriots love donald trump, for he alone will restore the rule of law in our constitutional republic.

>> trump's lawyer claimed the president has a legal license to murder his american political rivals. [laughter] >> jon: just going to check my -- [cheers and applause] i actually keep my heart next to my constitution. [laughs] that is how important. my hands are shaking! i'm so nervous! i don't see anything in here about assassinating your political rivals. here it is, hold on. oh, yes. it says the president must faithfully execute -- well, i think we are done here. sorry, the laws of the land. never mind.

i don't want to be a nitpicker, but i do not remember the assassination episode of ""schoolhouse rock"." under the constitution, wouldn't you get in some trouble for that? >> i feel that as a president, you have to have immunity. very simple. >> jon: yes, it is the bedrock of american constitutional principle. the president must be above the law. out of reach of the law! look, forget the constitution. accountability to the law of the land is basic magna carta shit. [cheers and applause] i keep a tiny magna carta in my -- you know what, sorry, this is just a flipbook. hold on. [laughs] that dog's never going to catch that car. maybe they like trump because he's more of a bill of rights guy.

>> president trump attacking the first amendment and freedom of the press. >> you take the writer and/or publisher of the paper, a certain paper, you know. and you say, "who is the leaker? national security." and they say, "we're not going to tell you." they say, "that's okay, you're going to jail." and when this person realizes he is going to be the bride of another prisoner very shortly -- >> jon: i believe it was thomas jefferson who once said, "our liberty depends on the freedom of the press, though obviously as with any right, there is some wiggle room for nonconsensual ass [bleep]. don't blame me. that is jefferson. he said that! thomas jefferson. look it up. hold on. let me get -- but that is the press.

the press or the enemy of the people. how do trump feel about freedom of assembly? >> he says, "can't you just shoot them? just shoot them in the legs or something." and he's suggesting that that's what we should do, that we should bring in the troops and shoot the protesters. >> the commander in chief was suggesting that the u.s. military shoot protesters, american protesters? >> yes, in the streets of our nation's capital. that's right. >> jon: huh. they'd still be free to assemble. just the assembly would be more a pile, that's all. but that's just hearsay from trump's secretary of defense at the time. look, how about the fifth amendment? due process? >> very simply, if you rob a store, you can fully expect to be shot as you are leaving that store. >> jon: what the [bleep] are we doing? [cheers and applause] you know, i am pretty sure that shooting a guy on suspicion of stealing a pair of khakis

violates not only the constitution, but the ten commandments, and the gap employee handbook! [laughter and cheering] all right. i promise you, that is the end of the things. now we have had our fun, dancing around the former presidents rather eccentric interpretations of our country's founding documents. may i offer you something more explicit? >> i only want to be a dictator for one day. >> jon: just so you know, that is how it starts. i'm not saying anybody has to do the arm salute! [applause] let's just start with a few people doing the arm salute and we will see if the arm salute catches on. ignoring the bill of rights.

tearing up the constitution. pining for a brief stint as a dictator, well, that settles it. when the good, patriotic constitution-loving real americans here trump's disrespect and disdain for our sacred constitutional principles, they will be outraged. >> donald trump, a dictator for 4 years. speak of this country needs a dictator. i hate to say it, but it's the truth. >> he could stand on the front steps of the white house and commit murder and i am with him. >> if he says it, then i'll go with it, and if he wants to be a dictator, then so be it. >> jon: this is it! the thomas nast cartoon, "patriots festooned and american flags, cosigning dictatorship. remember, we the people? you know, there is more words after that. smaller font, still binding. look, if you want to love trump, love him. go to the rally is rallies, buy for sneakers. you want to give him absolute

power, you want him to be the leader uber alles, you want him to have the right of kings, you do you. but stop framing it as patriotism. [cheers and applause] because the one thing you cannot say is that donald trump is borrowing the tradition of the founders. he is advocating for complete and total presidential immunity. his words, not mine! that is monarchy shit. and it is your right to support it. but just do me a favor for historical accuracy. next time you want to dress up at the rallies, where the right [bleep] colored codes. [cheers and applause] that is what you are! and i just want to tell you this -- [applause] and i want you to know --

[whispering] we see you. we hear you. [whispering] when we come back, scholar steven levitsky will be joining me on the show. stick around. [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ next. next. stop. we got it? no. keep going. aga... [ sigh ] next. next. if you don't pick one... oh, you have time. am i keeping you from your job. next. i don't even know where i am anymore. stop. do we finally have it? let's go back to the beginning. are you... your electric future. customized. the fully-electric audi q4 e-tron. ♪ ♪

( ♪♪ ) the union of fruity, sweet gummy and tangy, crunchy nerds. nerds gummy clusters. unleash your senses.

♪ we can make it if we try ♪ ♪ just the two of us ♪ ♪ (just the two of us) ♪ get two entreés and an appetizer for $25. only at applebee's.

there's news, and there's good news. like thousands of patients receiving free life changing surgeries, from volunteer doctors and nurses on hospital ships. all made possible by donations. we love good news. [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is professor of government at harvard university. he's the co-author of two bestselling books, "how democracies die" and "tyranny of the minority." please welcome to the program steven levitsky. sir! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ how are you? [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

let's go! look at this bad boy. the book is called "tyranny of the minority." what is -- so you wrote "how democracies die," a recipe to kill our democracy. and now "tyranny of the minority." what is "tyranny of the minority" about? >> well, when we wrote "how democracies die," many years ago now, before it seemed so imminent to so many americans that democracy is in danger, we wanted to write a book that described for americans what it looks like when a democracy gets into trouble. so the book is an effort, first of all, to better understand how we got into this mess, but also to think a bit about how to get out. >> jon: so when you tell me about how we got into the mess, the constitution is really our touchstone. is that the document that actually got us into this mess? >> the constitution, as you say, is a brilliant document. >> jon: don't hedge, sir.

>> it is the world's oldest written constitution. it has done us a lot of good. >> jon: yes. >> but it is also part of the problem today. we, a majority of americans, support democracy. a majority of americans support the really interesting experiment with multiracial democracy that we are evolving into in the 21st century. a majority of americans every day since donald trump came down the golden escalator have opposed trump. but we have a constitution that protects, that enables, and that empowers an authoritarian minority party, and that is the problem. >> jon: but isn't that the very nature of the constitution, it was a balance between that ideal and the practicalities of, well, how do we let the southern states who have less population not to be steamrolled by a pure democracy? >> right. it was a couple things. first of all, it was a document created by people who feared democracy, who feared majority

rule. because majority rule didn't exist in the world in the 18th century. >> jon: what did they think, if it wasn't kings, what did they think it was going to be? >> they didn't know. they were in completely new terrain. they had never been in a republic like this before. we had never had an elected leader before. the electoral college was a third choice. so they were scrambling. they couldn't reach a majority and they didn't know how to elect a president. so the electoral college was an improvisation, an experiment. >> jon: was it an improvisation to bring a compromise to the southern states? >> those smaller states. >> jon: the smaller states, the more industrialized. this was a compromise to bring the union together? >> this was a really tough problem. 13 colonies that were -- and there was a fear that they would break apart, that there might be civil war, that there might be violence. the articles of confederation failed miserably and there was a real fear that if we did not hang together, the brits or the french would come in and make things very difficult for us. the whole project could be blown to bits.

these guys had to forge a compromise and they made concessions that were imperfect. in fact, george washington, just weeks after the philadelphia convention, wrote a letter to his nephew, describing the constitution as an imperfect document and saying that it would be up to future generations to improve it. >> jon: do you think it is strange, then, that a lot of the constitution really is, how do we do this mechanically, logistically, and yet, we almost view the founders now in kind of a fundamentalist way of, it was spoken through them, from god. they were absolutely sure, this is scripture. >> we didn't always see it that way. for much of u.s. history, americans, both politicians and american citizens of all types, have worked to make our system more democratic. the expansion of suffrage, the reconstruction reforms, the progressive era -- >> jon: a lot of times, that

was brought through violent people. i mean, the civil war is what brought that about, suffragette, even the vietnam war when they lowered the voting age. if there hadn't been the draft, people hadn't gone to vietnam, i don't think you would've seen the expansion of voting to 18-year-olds. >> constitutional reform is tough, it is costly, it takes work. but we've done it throughout our history. it is really only the last 50 years, only our lifetime, that we have kind of stopped thinking about how to make our system more democratic. we stopped doing the work of improving our democracy. >> jon: but is there also an issue that, as the world changes so rapidly, is democracy foundationally an analog system? and that in an increasingly, digital, and fast world, it is unwieldy, even in its best iteration, and is that what also gives a kind of shine to the idea of dictatorship or authoritarian principles, where things can be mobilized more

quickly? decisions can be made, you know, democracy is painstaking. it is a grind. >> it has. and this is not the first time we have been around this bend. right? a century ago, whether it was the russian revolution or the rise of fascism, during a period of dramatic change, industrialization, the entry into the modern era, people looked around and said, yeah, stalin, that works better. hitler, mussolini. >> jon: they made the trains run on time. >> turns out, in the long run, there are costs to dictatorship. dictatorships don't -- they may shine for a while but in the long run, you don't much like the result. we always have to be -- we've got old institutions and we have to constantly be thinking about how to improve them. but the basic idea of electing our governments and electing our governments in a context in which we enjoy a wide range of individual liberties, i don't think that is outdated.

>> jon: right, that stays no matter what the kids say on, i'm going to say, instagram. [cheers and applause] "tyranny of the minority." it's available right now. steven levitsky, thank you so much for being here. we'll take a quick break, we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

hi, i'm ron reagan, an unabashed atheist, and i'm alarmed, as you may be, by the intrusions of religion into our secular government. that's why i'm asking you to join the freedom from religion foundation, the nation's largest and most effective association of atheists and agnostics working to keep state and church separate, just like our founders intended. please join the freedom from religion foundation today. ron reagan, lifelong atheist, not afraid of burning in hell.

you can make money the hard way as a bullfighter or a human cannonball... or save money the easy way, with xfinity mobile. existing customers can get a free line of our most popular unlimited plan for a year! not only will you save hundreds but you'll also be joining millions who have connected to america's most reliable 5g network. sure is a lot safer than becoming a stuntman for money. get a free line of unlimited intro for a year when you buy one unlimited line. visit xfinitymobile.com today to learn more. sorry, party is cancelled. waiting on the cable internet guy. ♪ first, i had cable. ♪ ♪ but those cords weren't me. ♪

♪ so he switched to t-mobile. ♪ ♪ home internet, with 5g. ♪ ♪ what a feeling! ♪ ♪ i have wi-fi now! ♪ ♪ i need home internet from t-mobile to fulfil my ♪ ♪ li-i-i-i-iiiiiiiiiiife! ♪ get home internet from t-mobile now. just $50 bucks a month. [sniffs] i know my old spice fiji when i smell it. that's me mr. cole. oh... ♪♪ [door slams] [sniffs] mmmm! let's talk about a raise. ♪ old spice whistle ♪ [sfx: seagulls squawking] [sfx: fishline] back for another flounder fish sandwich? and a shrimp tackle box. let us do the fishing while y'all enjoy our seafood that you'll love. get them before they're gone.

barista: lavender latte for sam! while y'all enjoy our seafood that you'll love. daughter: mmm! mom: ooh, i like that! [cheers and applause]

>> jon: that's our show for tonight! before we go, let's check in with your co-hosts for the rest of the week, desi lydic and michael kosta! [cheers and applause] so excited. what are you guys got planning for the week? [speaking at the same time] >> jon, we'll be looking at the latest inflation report coming down, which the democrats are hoping will provide a needed boost for the biden campaign. >> jon, we'll be diving into the debate over tiktok and whether the possible legislation banning it might spread to other social media platforms. [cheers and applause] >> jon: you guys going to be doing that all week, with a talking at the same time? [laughter] [speaking in unison] >> of course not, jon. that would be ridiculous. >> jon: looking forward to it. desi lydic and michael kosta, all week this week! here it is. your "moment of zen." >> what does president biden do? well, he bands tiktok for government employees, but he creates an account for his own

campaign. y'all, you can't make this stuff up. >> sorry. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ kyle and stan: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ learng day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - [muffled singing] - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ when you smell the amazing scent of gain flings... time stops. (♪♪) and you realize you're in love...

steve? with a laundry detergent. (♪♪) gain flings. seriously good scent. ♪ "bye bye macadam" by rone ♪ so, what is the next big thing? well, galaxy believes the next big thing is you.

me? yes. look at you, you are open to experiment. you open your heart. i have a play this weekend. (she smiles) and with the power of galaxy ai, you'll open even more possibilities. and open your imagination. we're putting all that power in your hands. the next big thing is you. ( ♪♪ ) - i am so sick of that stupid bitch. blabbing, prissy little skank! why do people talk on their phone like that? i can't even get a minute of peace before that bitch walks in holding the cell phone out like this and talking on speakerphone. nobody wants to hear your goddamn conversations, you little bitch. you're not that important! - yeah, no, dude, i'm telling you, it was the worst pain in my entire life. - how many hours were you guys playing? - like, six hours, dude, and my friends were all like, "dude, cartman, we need you to keep playing defense." - argh! - you were playing football? - yeah, but i was like, "i can't, you guys. i twisted my ankle." in the end, though, they really needed me to play, so i just played through the pain. you know what i'm saying? - that is not what happened! you totally started crying and quit the game!

- kyle, this is a private conversation. - then take that shit off speakerphone! - is that that same kid? - yeah, it's that kid kyle again. he's a total boner, always listening in on my phone calls. - how do we have a choice? - stop listening to my conversation, kyle! what are you, the nsa? lawrence, remember i was telling you how the government listens to everyone's phone calls and reads all our emails? - yeah, yeah, you said that. my dad said the government keeps a database on everyone. - who is that? is that toby? - yeah. - dude, toby, are you over at lawrence's? - yeah, we're ditching school. - you're what? what'd you say? - me and toby are ditching school! - i'm telling you guys, the government thinks they can do whatever they want, and we don't have any privacy anymore. just between you and me, i think everyone's too stupid to see what this is all leading to. did you guys read 1984? - i don't think so. - yeah, i didn't read it either, but i saw the puppet show version at casa bonita. we have to do something about this. we need to organize a rally. - that'd be cool. - that'd be what? - it'd be cool! - i know, right? a big rally to tell the government to stay out of our private lives! i'm gonna email everybody and put it up on my blog pages. i seriously feel like i'm being spied on right now. i'm sure the government has a file on me a mile long. that's why this is so important, you know?

hang on, i'm gonna make a video blog for my "stop listening to me" website. what's up, everybody? it's me again just kicking it at my school. there's gonna be a big rally to tell the government to stop gathering information on us. gonna tweet you all the details, but keep quiet 'cause it's top secret. you guys gonna update your blogs too? dude, i really can't hear you, lawrence. are you outside or something? - i said i got your tweet of the address. - okay, well, put toby back on the phone. you got to start googling everyone the directions to the rally site. toby, you there, bro? - yeah, i'm here bro. - bro, you got to, um, email dex about the rally and see if he'll bring petition forms. - will you please take your rally conversation somewhere else? - oh, hell no, you did not just invade my privacy again. that is the last straw, kyle! everybody! everybody, hey! just so you know, we might have an nsa agent right here at our school. - what's the nsa? - yeah, just so you know, the government is watching everything you do-- always watching. they say it's to keep us safe, but what price is safety, kyle? - the government watches everything we do?

hello? hey, government. it's me, butters. i just want to say, well-- well, thanks for watching over me and doing everything you do. and please watch over mommy and daddy and my friends, stan and kyle, craig and token and even ol' eric cartman. i know he can be a meanie sometimes, but please watch over him too. good night, government. [gasps] oh, yeah. and thank you, president obama, for making me feel so safe and looked after. and if it wouldn't be too much trouble, i'd really like to get a puppy for christmas this year. night, government. - dude, they have gone too far this time! there is no doubt the government is tracking me.

we're gonna have to put off the rally. - they're spying on you? - yeah, it's right here. i went to amazon to see if they had grand theft auto v, and it says, "you might also be interested in the blu-ray for star trek." i'm totally interested in the blu-ray for star trek. how did they know that unless the government is keeping tabs on me? this is war, bro. forget the rally. we have to go hard-core. - like what? - all right, listen. i'm gonna get a job at the nsa, and then i'm gonna put all their secrets up on twitter. - nah, don't do that. - no, dude, i'm gonna sneak into their headquarters disguised as an employee, and i'm gonna-- hey, hang on a second, lawrence. i think we have a nosy nancy in the room. dude, my twitter account might already be compromised. if i'm going to infiltrate the nsa and get all their secrets out to the public, then i'm gonna need something better than twitter. - you need that new thing where you don't need to type. - what, they already have something better than twitter? - you haven't you seen the alec baldwin commercial? - no. what alec baldwin commercial? - hello, i'm alec baldwin, and i love social media. but sometimes i accidentally tweet things that are homophobic. i don't think that way. i just type that way. that's when i realized

it wasn't me that was homophobic, it was my thumbs. and they needed to be gotten rid of. dah! dow! so then the problem was, i don't have thumbs, but i know that everyone in america still wants to hear everything i have to say. well, that's okay, because now there's a device that can actually take the thoughts in your head and send them directly to the internet. it's called shitter. wires are grafted harmlessly into your skull, and any thought you have is uploaded to the internet and on to all your shitter followers. [thinking] i'm at a yankees game right now. god, i love baseball. people who take their cats on planes should be shot. - [chorus singing] - [thinking] i'm at a really great musical right now. in 1992, i had sex with the queen of monaco. i had my entire fist up her ass. don't let your social media slow down your need to communicate with the world. go direct from thought to internet with shitter.

[thinking] just finished my shitter commercial. time to go find a pussy sandwich. [bell ringing] - [thinking] all right, what's up, everybody? what's up? i'm about ready to go to the nsa undercover and see if i can expose some of their secrets. you can follow me on my shitter account at #keepthegovernment outofmybusiness.com. wait. shh. i got to be careful. kyle is here, and i'm pretty sure he's trying to listen in. - what the hell are you doing? - [thinking] kyle, if you wouldn't mind, this broadcast is for my shitter followers only. - what's shitter? - [thinking] don't know if you've heard, but the government is actually able to monitor all our emails and twitter accounts. with shitter, i don't even need a cell phone. my thoughts are sent directly to the internet and then to everyone else on shitter. - wow! - [thinking] yes. now as i infiltrate the nsa, i'll be able to broadcast everything to all my shitter followers. - you're okay with everything you think going up on the internet. - yeah, because the government won't respect my privacy. - how many people are on shitter? - just two so far, me and alec baldwin. - [thinking] i'm about to sit down and eat a sandwich at this amazing deli run by two faggots in chelsea. - [thinking] oh, kewl. i'll have to try it out sometime, lol. - [thinking] in 1982, i was at a party at mike douglas' house, and i [bleep] kim basinger. - [thinking] wow, that's cool.

she's cute. wink emoji. [bell dings] - oh, my god. oh, my god, they saw me. they saw me, and they're gonna be so angry. maybe they didn't see me. no, no they saw me. they see everything. i did something really bad. really, really bad. [bell dings] - next! - oh, god. but my parents always told me, "if you do something horrible, "then you have to admit it to your protector so that you can have forgiveness." are these people nice? - dmv people? they're the meanest people on planet earth. - oh, geez. [bell dings] oh, god! here we go. i yelled at a midget. i was--i was watching mtv, and this little person was singing a song. i think her name was pink. and i didn't like the song, and so i yelled, "hey, get off tv, you effing midget!" and i--i was at barnes & nobles with my mom. and while she was looking for a book, i--i saw this picture of jennifer lawrence in a magazine.

um, and i--well, i cut the picture out of the magazine while no one was looking. there's more. i took the picture home with me, and i-- i cut jennifer lawrence's mouth out with scissors, and then i--i put my wiener through the hole. i have no idea why! how can i atone for it? i already said the pledge of allegiance 50 times, and i sang my country, 'tis of thee 100 times, and i watched america's got talent twice! what else can i do? - why not a thousand living in americas? - yes. yes, i will. oh, thank you! i will! oh, i feel so much better already. ♪ livin' in america, eye to eye ♪ ♪ hand to hand, across the nation ♪ ♪ smoke, track, fat pack ♪ ♪ many miles of railroad track ♪ ♪ ow, i said, ow, ow ♪ - can i help you, sir? - yes, i'm here to apply for the nsa job. - all right, and your name? - bill clinton. [keyboard tapping and computer beeps] - i don't see you on the list, mr. clinton.

- oh, well, must be a clerical mistake, but they are expecting me. - [thinking] if you're ever in los angeles, be sure to look up jennifer love hewitt. she can make a pussy sandwich that will give those faggots in chelsea a run for their money. - what have you got, patricia? - uh, this man says he has an interview for a job, sir. - i am extremely qualified, sir, and very eager to work. - [thinking] i borrowed my brothers dick once to [bleep] daryl hannah. - [clears throat] i, um, was sure the appointment was today. - that's quite all right. the nsa needs all the help it can get. come on upstairs and i'll show you around, see if you're fit for the job. for nourished, lightweight hair, the right ingredients make all the difference. new herbal essences sulfate free is now packed with plant-based ingredients your hair will love. like pure aloe and camellia flower oil. and none of the things it won't.

hair feels deeply nourished, soft and lightweight. plant power you can feel. new herbal essences sulfate free. you can make money the hard way as a bullfighter plant power or a human cannonball...el. or save money the easy way, with xfinity mobile. existing customers can get a free line of our most popular unlimited plan for a year! not only will you save hundreds but you'll also be joining millions who have connected to america's most reliable 5g network.

sure is a lot safer than becoming a stuntman for money. get a free line of unlimited intro for a year when you buy one unlimited line. visit xfinitymobile.com today to learn more. for an everyday item to become dangerous. tide pods child-guard pack helps keep your laundry pacs in a safe place and your child safer. to close, twist until it clicks. tide pods child-guard packaging. mr. clean magic eraser powers through tough messes. so it makes it look like i spent hours cleaning,

and you know i didn't. it makes my running shoe look like new! it's amazing. it's so good. it makes it look like i have magical powers. magic eraser and sheets make cleaning look easy. [knock at door] - hello, sir. my colleague and i are going through the neighborhood and see if you like to know the truth. - sure, i love the truth! - okay, we from jehovah witness. we kingdom hall jehovah witness, and we believe, sir, that many people interpret the bible wrong. - what's a jehovah's witness? - yes, sir, we believe the-- the truth. i was once like you. i know not what to believe, but then i let my provider jehovah into my heart. - oh, my goodness. your little cartoon has a girl on fire. - yes, because jehovah will bring judgment against all and perish, like the little girl, will burn in the fire. - oh, you shouldn't be handing out drawings like this, ma'am. well, don't you know that the government is watching you? - the government watching me? - whazze? - he said the government watching us. - right now? - how long they been watching us? - can i ask you something? when was the last time you went to your local dmv?

- i no go dmv. i don't have car. - oh, you can walk there. trust me, you got to go to the dmv. it's incredible! see, i was like you once, afraid, unsure, doing stuff i shouldn't do like showing people pictures of little girls with their heads on fire. but you know what i've learned? that just going to the dmv and letting go of all my wrongdoings filled me with a joy i had felt nowhere else. would you like to read some dmv literature? this'll tell you most of what you need to know about the dmv, but just go. everyone there is really nice. your government is watching you, and your government wants you to be happy. have a nice day! - right this way, bill. welcome to the nsa main office. - ah, yes, so this is where the government checks up on its citizens. - there's a lot of people working here at the nsa, good people, people who just want to keep america safe. only problem is, checking all those emails, twitter accounts, and surveilling all those phone calls can take a lot of manpower. - hey, joe. - what you got, miller? - got a 24-year-old male in albuquerque. he just emailed his wife and asked if she could go to the store after work.

then he called a fitness center to set up a membership. he liked the fitness center, so he tweeted his friends that they should try it out. - all right, keep an eye on him. let me know if anything changes. - will do. - it's a never-ending grind here at the nsa, and it seems there's never enough detectives to keep track of everyone. - sergeant. - what have you got, lawson? - got a 17-year-old female down in jacksonville. she called her friend and asked if she wanted to go see the percy jackson movie. then she emailed her mom at work and asked if it was okay. the mom said yes but called her husband first to make sure there weren't any dinner plans. - all right, keep an eye on all three of 'em. - will do. - if you think you got the stomach for this, then we could definitely use your help, young man. - sir, you might want to check this out. - what have you got? - 32-year-old pizza delivery man, he just put on his twitter account that he hates america and wants to blow up the lincoln memorial. [siren wailing] - [thinking] 4:16 p.m. the chief asked me to join him as he went to question the possible suspect. i agreed to go along. hopefully the nsa has no idea of my secret intentions. lol. - well, well, the nsa. i should've known.

- we want to talk to you about some tweets you've been tweeting. - hey, man, i was just blowing smoke. say, what right does the government have reading my private emails anyway? haven't you squares heard of the constitution? - yeah, we've heard of that. we've also heard of the declaration of independence. see, there's a lot of people out there who think like you, people who think their government doesn't have the right to go around poking their noses in the emails of its citizens. that is, until a plane flies into a couple towers and a little girl loses her life. you want to live in the land of the free and the home of the brave, but the brave can't be free if the land isn't home, and that land won't be home so long as folks out there want to take that american flag and shove it so far up your anus that you crap stars and stripes for a week, and as your sitting there on the toilet with the star-spangled montezuma's revenge, there's one thing i can guarantee. - yeah, what's that? - you won't care who's checking your twitter account then. - i never thought of it that way. - [thinking] i [bleep] jack lemmon's makeup girl in a porta-potty. whoops. - hey, phillip, pull my finger. [doorbell rings] [laughter on tv] - hello, craig! how would you like to know the truth? - the truth about what? - we're just going through the neighborhood and seeing if you've accepted the government into your heart. - uh, no, i don't think so. - my colleague and i, we want to share our experience at dmv.

we went to dmv. we admit all our shortcoming and sin and a big tidal wave of peace and serenity went into the soul and touch our heart. - okay. - you see, craig, once i came clean with the government, i no longer had anything to hide. then i found peace. have you read any dmv literature? - uh, no. - well, there's a lot of interesting stuff in here, craig. there's even some quotes from president obama. could you read this part out loud? - "your local dmv is funded by your tax dollars to be efficient and proficious." - yeah. what do you think president obama means when he says that? - i have no idea. - well, we believe that he means the government loves you, and it wants to forgive you if you just let the government into your heart. - yes, sir. see, i used to be like you. i go around sending the nasty email, send the nasty text, put up nasty pictures on my nasty facebook, but then i realize, all these things, they live forever because the government keep a file on us. so all that live forever up in what they call the cloud. if the government, sir-- if they gonna put the file in the cloud,

then i want to make sure i come clean about the bad ones and maybe get those things off my record off the cloud, because we all live forever in the cloud. - uh-huh. did you follow all that, craig? i don't really think i followed all that. - [thinking] i've done it. i've infiltrated the nsa and gained their trust. so far i have not ascertained how they are able to keep track of everyone in the country, but i'm close, very close. i just hope that i'm not found out as a whistleblower before i'm able to expose their entire operation. - what is that voice? - some little faggot in my head. - hey, so, um, as i'm going through people's emails and phone calls, um, how do i know which people to start with? - pretty simple. everyone has a file. people who have a status of threat, possible threat, or person of interest are the ones we really want to look at. - the more we pay attention to them, the bigger their file becomes. - really? how big is my file? - huh? - uh, that is, uh-- you must have a pretty big file on eric cartman. all his blogs and emails have been watched for quite some time. - jarvis, what have we got on an eric cartman? any files on eric cartman? - oh, yeah, we tracked him for a little bit,

but central computer designated his status as fat and unimportant. - uh, trust me, he's not fat and unimportant. i think we need to change his status to ripped and sweet. excuse me. excuse me! there's a very important threat to national security. we need to change eric cartman's status. - and that's when i masturbated to game of thrones. i know it was wrong to masturbate, and i know it was especially wrong to masturbate while on duty. - what the-- why do these people keep coming here? - but i am done forever with game of thrones. forever! - next please! [bell rings] - thank you! all: yay! - congratulations, brother! how do you feel? - i--i feel really good! [all cheering] - wow, those people over there seem like they're having fun. - i can't think of anywhere i'd rather be then at the dmv with all you wonderful people. now let's all pledge allegiance. i pledge allegiance... all: to the flag... - what the hell is going on here? this is the dmv. there will be no joy here. - uh, people keep showing up

and telling us what they did wrong. - hey, i'm just trying to renew my license. how much longer i got to wait? - shut up! sit there, and wait, and no cell phones or other things that pass time joyously! i'll put a stop to this. for your most brilliant smile, crest has you covered. ♪♪ (laughing) nice smile, brad. nice! thanks? crest 3d white. 100% more stain removal. crest.

[♪♪] 100% more stain removal. did you know, there's a way to cut your dishwashing time by 50%? try dawn powerwash dish spray. it removes 99% of grease and grime in half the time. dawn powerwash has 3 cleaning boosters not found in traditional dish soaps that remove food and grease 5 times faster. and, because it cleans so well you can replace multiple cleaning products for counters, stoves, and even laundry stains. try dawn powerwash dish spray. brand power, helping you buy better. - look, i am telling you that you are making a huge mistake. eric cartman is the nsa's worst nightmare.

- not according to the central computer. - the central computer is wrong. you need to change his status. - sorry, but if central computer says he's not a threat, then we can't do anything. - can't do anything? you're the nsa. - there's 300 million people out there. how do you think we're able to keep track of every single person in the country? how do you think we're able to really know who's doing what? - i don't know. - all right, i'll show you, but this is very top security stuff, because if people knew how we did it, then everyone would do it. then our enemies would do it. we can't let our enemies get their hands on this. - get their hands on what? [electronic beeping and buzzing] [mechanical whirring] dude. [ominous musical flourish] - this is how we know who's a threat and who's not, how we know who's sleeping and who's awake. how we know that-- [whistle blowing] - you think i'm fat and unimportant now? i am eric cartman! and i've got news for you. this is all being broadcast live on my twitter zeppelin and on alec baldwin's new television show via shitter. - hi, everybody and welcome to my new show on msnbc,

free pass with alec baldwin. - [thinking] your secret is out, nsa. and now that everyone knows what you're doing to santa, you can kiss your program good-bye. you should have taken me down when you had the chance. now everyone knows the truth, and everyone's gonna think i'm super cool. [crying] - eric, honey, what's the matter? - it didn't work, mom. i infiltrated the nsa, and i was a whistleblower, and i thought everyone would be super pissed off at what i exposed about the government, but nobody cares! nobody cares that the government is listening in on everything. nobody cares that santa claus is hooked up to a big, horrible machine! - i know that the nsa is torturing santa, sweetie, but they're keeping us safe. - well, now you just sound like everybody else! [crying] - honey, it's okay. - it's not gonna be okay because now i'm a whistleblower against my country and i'm gonna have to hide out in russia! - no, you don't have to fly to russia, hon. - i do too. - no, it'll be fine.

how about i make you some hot tea with lemon and codeine? - [sniffling] okay. i just want hot tea and codeine, no lemon! - okay, hon! [doorbell rings] - hello. how would you like to know the truth? - the [bleep] are you talking about, butters? - it's time to let go, eric. don't you see there's no other way? just let the government into your heart. - it's too late for me, butters. i have to go to russia and live with the commie dwarves. - it's never too late. there's a place where you can start over. - what's this? - your government doesn't listen in on you to punish you. your government just wants you to be honest about your mistakes. - i can be forgiven? - yes! - for everything bad i've ever done? - yes! - and then all i have to do is go back to this place every time i do something wrong and admit it, and i'm forgiven again? - that's right. - [sniffles] that's pretty cool.

[upbeat electronic organ music] - we've got a new member today! [rhythmic clapping] eric cartman, do you love your country? - i do! i love my country! - do you pledge allegiance to the flag? - i pledge it! i pledge that [bleep] allegiance! - hallelujah! all: yay! - you want us to kick 'em out of here, lar? - no. no, leave them alone. it's a nice change to see people happy at the dmv. perhaps we here at the dmv can start changing as well. perhaps instead of treating people badly, we can offer them comfort and hope. why, the dmv can be a place where people come to get things off their chest, confess, yes, but also be told that they're worth something in this world. and then dmvs everywhere can become a place where people feel safe. and when they do something wrong, we can offer forgiveness. don't you see what this could lead to? don't you see what we could become? - the dmv was shut down today after rampant allegations of sex with young boys. the heads of the dmv were arrested,

and the director stated, "hey, it came with the territory." with the dmv shut down, americans have been asked to confess all wrongdoings at their nearest post office. we've just received word that the u.s. postal service has been shut down due to rampant allegations of sex with young boys. it now appears that the only people who can be trusted with confessions and guidance is your local news station. wmz news will be back in... a young boy. ♪ ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪