- oh. oh! [choking] i-it's me! i'm--i'm me again! oh, my god, i'm all better. thanks, you guys. - henrietta, i have dinner ready. - shut up, mom! leave me alone, you conformist bag of demon jizz! - fatty. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> jon: hey! come on! [cheers and applause] show time! welcome to "the daily show!" my name is jon stewart. we have a fabulous show for you tonight. you know what i'm not going to do tonight? i'm not going to overthink it, honestly, i'm just going to come out here like pacino at the oscars, mumble a few words, eventually you'll figure out what i was getting at. it's fine! the big event we need to talk about is the oscars of politics: the state of the union address. last thursday night. joseph raisinette biden the 12th! [cheers and applause]

he had the unenviable task of having to lay out his vision for the nation, whilst also demonstrating that he is not too old, not too tired to be the president of the united states, and that he wouldn't rather just die thousands of balloons to the white house and head to paradise falls. [laughter and applause] and so, president biden entered the house chamber! navigating through our divided congress, and barely, barely, barely getting past the bridge troll who guards the podium. what say you, sir? >> i say to the american people, when america gets knocked down, we get back up. my message to president putin, who i've known for a long time, is simple: we will not walk away. banning books: it's wrong! i say, stop it. stop it. stop it. stop it. pass universal background checks! send me the border bill now!

the state of our union is strong and getting stronger. [crowd chanting "four more years"] >> jon: which one of you pricks wants to fight? put up your dukes! biden is back, baby! i know all that all the haters have been out there, talking they are shit -- he is too old, he is too weak, he won't be able to make it, he is -- i see you haters. i know who you are! really. you know, we said in rehearsal, can you get me a prettier mirror? and boy, did they deliver. that is -- [cheers and applause] of course, by the way, the state of the union was just the

democratic message. board that message survive a concise and intelligent reb rebuttal? it happened on thursday. i should read the whole thing, though, i should. would it survive a concise and intelligent rebuttal from the g.o.p.? or whatever it was that alabama senator katie britt, to the kitchen, batman! >> our families are hurting. our country can do better. president biden's border policies are a disgrace. mr. president, enough is enough. end this crisis and stop the suffering. we see you. we hear you. and we stand with you.

>> jon: if you are going to stand with me, could you stand a little bit further away? i imagine one of her kids just came downstairs and was like, i'm sorry, mom, i just came down to get a bowl of cereal. i didn't realize you were losing your [bleep] mind. i will come back when the xannies kick in. everyone has had a little bit of a go at senator britt because her rebuttal was objectively terrible, but there was one 11 moment in her rebuttal that did not get as much attention that i thought was quite interesting. >> we are the party of hardworking parents and families. so i am asking you, for the sake of your kids and your grandkids, get into the arena. never forget, we're steeped in

the blood of patriots who overthrew the most powerful empire in the world. >> jon: two things. one: who smiles when they say the line "steeped in the blood of patriots?" and number two, this is just one more entry in the republican mythology that they are the inheritors of the american revolutionary tradition, that they somehow are more americany than nonrepublican americans. >> we are the party of the real american people. >> real america where people work hard. they're patriotic. they don't want to transform america like the democrats do. >> this liberal bubble in new york or in california that don't understand where real americans are at. >> the democrat elite very

simply hate america. >> jon: i don't think they hate america. they hate to room yogurt, is really -- yogurt is supposed to be very hot. just out of curiosity, what is it about the republican party that makes it american-er than the rest of us? >> we are the party and the ideology of the constitution. >> every decision that i make starts with asking this question, is this constitutional? >> i believe in this document. i carry it with me next to my heart because i refer to it daily. >> as we all know, the constitution starts with the three most important words outside the bible, "we the people." >> the power of we the people. >> we the people. >> the constitution, we believe in it, they do not. [laughter]

>> jon: why did you [bleep] rip it up? that was your copy! you said that that's what they do but you did it! you ripped it up! like, sinead o'connor is going, i believe in the pope! rip oh, yes, it is an article of faith that republicans love the constitution. they give speeches in front of the constitution. they cover their bosses in the constitution! they dress up like the people who wrote the constitution! do you, communists? with your on constitutioned buses and zero cornered hats? that is why these patriots love donald trump, for he alone will restore the rule of law in our constitutional republic. >> trump's lawyer claimed the

president has a legal license to murder his american political rivals. [laughter] >> jon: just going to check my -- [cheers and applause] i actually keep my heart next to my constitution. [laughs] that is how important. my hands are shaking! i'm so nervous! i don't see anything in here about assassinating your political rivals. here it is, hold on. oh, yes. it says the president must faithfully execute -- well, i think we are done here. sorry, the laws of the land. never mind. i don't want to be a nitpicker,

but i do not remember the assassination episode of ""schoolhouse rock"." under the constitution, wouldn't you get in some trouble for that? >> i feel that as a president, you have to have immunity. very simple. >> jon: yes, it is the bedrock of american constitutional principle. the president must be above the law. out of reach of the law! look, forget the constitution. accountability to the law of the land is basic magna carta shit. [cheers and applause] i keep a tiny magna carta in my -- you know what, sorry, this is just a flipbook. hold on. [laughs] that dog's never going to catch that car. maybe they like trump because he's more of a bill of rights guy. >> president trump attacking the

first amendment and freedom of the press. >> you take the writer and/or publisher of the paper, a certain paper, you know. and you say, "who is the leaker? national security." and they say, "we're not going to tell you." they say, "that's okay, you're going to jail." and when this person realizes he is going to be the bride of another prisoner very shortly -- >> jon: i believe it was thomas jefferson who once said, "our liberty depends on the freedom of the press, though obviously as with any right, there is some wiggle room for nonconsensual ass [bleep]. don't blame me. that is jefferson. he said that! thomas jefferson. look it up. hold on. let me get -- but that is the press. the press or the enemy of the

people. how do trump feel about freedom of assembly? >> he says, "can't you just shoot them? just shoot them in the legs or something." and he's suggesting that that's what we should do, that we should bring in the troops and shoot the protesters. >> the commander in chief was suggesting that the u.s. military shoot protesters, american protesters? >> yes, in the streets of our nation's capital. that's right. >> jon: huh. they'd still be free to assemble. just the assembly would be more a pile, that's all. but that's just hearsay from trump's secretary of defense at the time. look, how about the fifth amendment? due process? >> very simply, if you rob a store, you can fully expect to be shot as you are leaving that store. >> jon: what the [bleep] are we doing? [cheers and applause] you know, i am pretty sure that shooting a guy on suspicion of stealing a pair of khakis violates not only the

constitution, but the ten commandments, and the gap employee handbook! [laughter and cheering] all right. i promise you, that is the end of the things. now we have had our fun, dancing around the former presidents rather eccentric interpretations of our country's founding documents. may i offer you something more explicit? >> i only want to be a dictator for one day. >> jon: just so you know, that is how it starts. i'm not saying anybody has to do the arm salute! [applause] let's just start with a few people doing the arm salute and we will see if the arm salute catches on. ignoring the bill of rights.

tearing up the constitution. pining for a brief stint as a dictator, well, that settles it. when the good, patriotic constitution-loving real americans here trump's disrespect and disdain for our sacred constitutional principles, they will be outraged. >> donald trump, a dictator for 4 years. speak of this country needs a dictator. i hate to say it, but it's the truth. >> he could stand on the front steps of the white house and commit murder and i am with him. >> if he says it, then i'll go with it, and if he wants to be a dictator, then so be it. >> jon: this is it! the thomas nast cartoon, "patriots festooned and american flags, cosigning dictatorship. remember, we the people? you know, there is more words after that. smaller font, still binding. look, if you want to love trump, love him. go to the rally is rallies, buy for sneakers. you want to give him absolute

power, you want him to be the leader uber alles, you want him to have the right of kings, you do you. but stop framing it as patriotism. [cheers and applause] because the one thing you cannot say is that donald trump is borrowing the tradition of the founders. he is advocating for complete and total presidential immunity. his words, not mine! that is monarchy shit. and it is your right to support it. but just do me a favor for historical accuracy. next time you want to dress up at the rallies, where the right [bleep] colored codes. [cheers and applause] that is what you are! and i just want to tell you this -- [applause] and i want you to know --

[whispering] we see you. we hear you. [whispering] when we come back, scholar steven levitsky will be joining me on the show. stick around. [cheers and applause]

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♪ just the two of us ♪ ♪ we can make it if we try ♪ ♪ just the two of us ♪ ♪ (just the two of us) ♪ get two entreés and an appetizer for $25. only at applebee's. [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is professor of government at harvard university. he's the co-author of two bestselling books, "how democracies die" and "tyranny of the minority." please welcome to the program steven levitsky. sir! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ how are you? [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

let's go! look at this bad boy. the book is called "tyranny of the minority." what is -- so you wrote "how democracies die," a recipe to kill our democracy. and now "tyranny of the minority." what is "tyranny of the minority" about? >> well, when we wrote "how democracies die," many years ago now, before it seemed so imminent to so many americans that democracy is in danger, we wanted to write a book that described for americans what it looks like when a democracy gets into trouble. so the book is an effort, first of all, to better understand how we got into this mess, but also to think a bit about how to get out. >> jon: so when you tell me about how we got into the mess, the constitution is really our touchstone. is that the document that actually got us into this mess? >> the constitution, as you say, is a brilliant document. >> jon: don't hedge, sir.

>> it is the world's oldest written constitution. it has done us a lot of good. >> jon: yes. >> but it is also part of the problem today. we, a majority of americans, support democracy. a majority of americans support the really interesting experiment with multiracial democracy that we are evolving into in the 21st century. a majority of americans every day since donald trump came down the golden escalator have opposed trump. but we have a constitution that protects, that enables, and that empowers an authoritarian minority party, and that is the problem. >> jon: but isn't that the very nature of the constitution, it was a balance between that ideal and the practicalities of, well, how do we let the southern states who have less population not to be steamrolled by a pure democracy? >> right. it was a couple things. first of all, it was a document created by people who feared

democracy, who feared majority rule. because majority rule didn't exist in the world in the 18th century. >> jon: what did they think, if it wasn't kings, what did they think it was going to be? >> they didn't know. they were in completely new terrain. they had never been in a republic like this before. we had never had an elected leader before. the electoral college was a third choice. so they were scrambling. they couldn't reach a majority and they didn't know how to elect a president. so the electoral college was an improvisation, an experiment. >> jon: was it an improvisation to bring a compromise to the southern states? >> those smaller states. >> jon: the smaller states, the more industrialized. this was a compromise to bring the union together? >> this was a really tough problem. 13 colonies that were -- and there was a fear that they would break apart, that there might be civil war, that there might be violence. the articles of confederation failed miserably and there was a real fear that if we did not hang together, the brits or the french would come in and make things very difficult for us. the whole project could be blown to bits.

these guys had to forge a compromise and they made concessions that were imperfect. in fact, george washington, just weeks after the philadelphia convention, wrote a letter to his nephew, describing the constitution as an imperfect document and saying that it would be up to future generations to improve it. >> jon: do you think it is strange, then, that a lot of the constitution really is, how do we do this mechanically, logistically, and yet, we almost view the founders now in kind of a fundamentalist way of, it was spoken through them, from god. they were absolutely sure, this is scripture. >> we didn't always see it that way. for much of u.s. history, americans, both politicians and american citizens of all types, have worked to make our system more democratic. the expansion of suffrage, the reconstruction reforms, the progressive era --

>> jon: a lot of times, that was brought through violent people. i mean, the civil war is what brought that about, suffragette, even the vietnam war when they lowered the voting age. if there hadn't been the draft, people hadn't gone to vietnam, i don't think you would've seen the expansion of voting to 18-year-olds. >> constitutional reform is tough, it is costly, it takes work. but we've done it throughout our history. it is really only the last 50 years, only our lifetime, that we have kind of stopped thinking about how to make our system more democratic. we stopped doing the work of improving our democracy. >> jon: but is there also an issue that, as the world changes so rapidly, is democracy foundationally an analog system? and that in an increasingly, digital, and fast world, it is unwieldy, even in its best iteration, and is that what also gives a kind of shine to the idea of dictatorship or authoritarian principles, where things can be mobilized more

quickly? decisions can be made, you know, democracy is painstaking. it is a grind. >> it has. and this is not the first time we have been around this bend. right? a century ago, whether it was the russian revolution or the rise of fascism, during a period of dramatic change, industrialization, the entry into the modern era, people looked around and said, yeah, stalin, that works better. hitler, mussolini. >> jon: they made the trains run on time. >> turns out, in the long run, there are costs to dictatorship. dictatorships don't -- they may shine for a while but in the long run, you don't much like the result. we always have to be -- we've got old institutions and we have to constantly be thinking about how to improve them. but the basic idea of electing our governments and electing our governments in a context in which we enjoy a wide range of individual liberties, i don't think that is outdated.

>> jon: right, that stays no matter what the kids say on, i'm going to say, instagram. [cheers and applause] "tyranny of the minority." it's available right now. steven levitsky, thank you so much for being here. we'll take a quick break, we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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tonight! before we go, let's check in with your co-hosts for the rest of the week, desi lydic and michael kosta! [cheers and applause] so excited. what are you guys got planning for the week? [speaking at the same time] >> jon, we'll be looking at the latest inflation report coming down, which the democrats are hoping will provide a needed boost for the biden campaign. >> jon, we'll be diving into the debate over tiktok and whether the possible legislation banning it might spread to other social media platforms. [cheers and applause] >> jon: you guys going to be doing that all week, with a talking at the same time? [laughter] [speaking in unison] >> of course not, jon. that would be ridiculous. >> jon: looking forward to it. desi lydic and michael kosta, all week this week! here it is. your "moment of zen." >> what does president biden do? well, he bands tiktok for government employees, but he creates an account for his own campaign. y'all, you can't make this stuff

up. >> sorry. ♪ ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪

- students, i would love to introduce you all to the future, mkay? starting today, our school will be operating entirely on intellilink. now whenever you need to see the school nurse or talk to me, your counselor, you can simply sign up using this simple integrated portal. [click] mkay. [click] [click click]

you can use a commuter or any of the intellilink panels which are located throughout the school. let's say you're in the cafeteria, mkay, and you start coughing up blood and need to see the nurse. you just click on school clinic...[click] mkay? see nurse... [click] mkay? respiration problems. [click] - ♪ all night long ♪ - okay. i must be in the wrong menu, mkay? you can see you can control the sound system as well, mkay? [click] it's all integrated and smartlinked, and this is a great idea, mkay? let's look at the message board. message board. [click] message board. [click] here you can easily write messages to each other or to the faculty, mkay? for instance, here we go. here's a message from kyle's little brother, ike broflovski. mkay, little ike says, "my brother is a homo." - [laughing] - ike made a little drawing of his brother too. drew a nice picture with a nice bird hanging off kyle's forehead. mkay, that's nice. - ha ha ha ha ha! - that's a nice crane, nice whooping crane coming off kyle's head there. - that's not a crane. it's a dick and balls.

- [snickering] - mom, ike did it again. i don't know what's going on with him, but it's like he hates me. - oh, kyle, your little brother is getting older. he's not a baby anymore. - i know, but he posted a message of me with a schlong on my head. - it's natural, bubie. part of getting older is finding ways to assert your independence. you know. why don't you go and try to talk to him? you can win him over again. - hey, ike. how's it going? - get out of my room, kyle. i'm on my computer. - i just wanted to see if maybe you wanna do finger paints with me? - do i look like i want to do [bleep] finger paints? look at the [bleep] zits on my face. - ike, i just want us to be friends again. - then stop harassing me, bro. you don't know what it's like to be a baby going through puberty. i don't know whether to watch yo gabba gabba or go out and tame some strange! - yeah, let's watch yo gabba gabba like old times. - ♪ come on, let's dance ♪

- ♪ go, go, go, toodee ♪ ♪ go, go, go, toodee ♪ - ♪ come on, let's dance! ♪ - ♪ go, go, go, brobee ♪ - dancey dance is my favorite. - it always has been. see? this is nice. - ♪ go, go, foofa ♪ ♪ come on, foofa ♪ - ♪ come on, let's dance ♪ - who would you rather [bleep], foofa or toodee? - what? - i wanna [bleep] foofa. - ♪ come on, let's dance ♪ - i wouldn't want to [bleep] toodee. she's a dyke. you can tell. but foofa, man--i bet she's got some sweet strange. - ♪ go, go, do the plex, go, go ♪ - i don't even know what the [bleep] muno is. - ike, is that chewing tobacco? - what, you gonna [bleep] narc and tell mom? - no, i just don't think it's healthy. - that's 'cause you don't understand shit! i knew this was a bad idea! i'm gonna go watch yo gabba gabba in my roomsies. [knock at door] - come in, mkay. - mr. mackey, can i talk to you? - mkay, have you set up a counseling appointment on intellilink? - no. - okay, that's fine, that's fine. we can use intellilink to see what's available.

let's see. counseling request...[click] students... [click] make appointment. [click] mkay. oh, whoops. okay, students... make...oh, here we go. make appointment. [click] mkay, here we go. mkay, what do you need counseling with? - it's my little brother. he's really changing, and i feel like-- - mkay, i'll click on family issues. [click] what time did you want counseling? - right now. - mkay...[click] and what's your brother's intelligrated smart name? - i don't know. - all right, i can do a look up for the name. go back. [click] main menu. [click] [the heat is on plays] oh, damn it! - ♪ oh oh oh ♪ okay, now back...set-- - ♪ oh oh oh ♪ - no, set appointment. - ♪ tell me can you feel it ♪ - okay. speakers off. mkay, uh...mkay, what is your smart name, kyle? - ♪ tell me can you fell it ♪ - what? - sorry, kyle we're gonna need to maybe go somewhere else. let's find an intellilink panel somewhere. okay, let's see, lights, mood... start counseling timer. okay, there we go. okay, we got it. okay, now, kyle, you have some concerns

about your little brother? - he's just changing a lot. he walks around angry, telling me i'm stupid, and all he talks about is sex. - well, it sounds like he's hitting puberty. - yeah, he just seems so young. - well, your brother is canadian. perhaps canadian puberty is a little different. why don't you educate yourself about canadian puberty, and it can be something you and your brother can actually do together, mkay? [plop, splash] this is the first time i've been able to do counseling and go to the bathroom at the same time. intellilink is amazing. - hello, young people, and welcome to the most fascinating time of your life. you have braved the trials of childhood and now you are reaching canadian puberty. by now you've probably noticed some changes in your body. for instance, when you fart your dick gets hard. other physical changes are happening to your body as well. if you're a boy, you may notice that your testicles ache.

or if you're a girl, you may notice a tingling sensation in your strange. - this is stupid, bro. i already know all this. - let's just give it a chance, ike. - going through canadian puberty, you may notice that your voice is starting to change as well. you're saying things like, "hey, buddy," and, "hey, guy," because now that you're older, you're discovering that someone who was once your buddy is now your guy. and someone who you used to call guy is quickly becoming your friend. but now let's discuss how a man and woman make love. first, a man and a woman fall in love. then the man farts on the woman's strange... filling the woman's strange with air so the woman can queef in the man's face, and a baby is born. the entire process can take up to six months-- it's what? that's not how babies are born? what's semen? well, then why did my wife queef in my face? she said it was to-- then why would sh-- i'm going to get to the bottom of this. make me look like an idiot, will you? hey, you told me you queefed in my face

because that's how babies are born. - i was being sarcastic. - being sarcastic? - i just told a million canadian teenagers that's how it's done. - i was angry because you never listen to me because i wanted you to go with me to therapy, and you never go. - fine! you want to go with you to therapy? fine! totally embarrassing and degrading. she queefed right in my face. - well, maybe you should spend less time at work making public health films and more time at home. - what the [bleep] is going on? - you're [bleep] stupid, kyle. [all night long plays] ♪ ♪ - i don't know what else to do, dude. no matter what i try, me and ike seem to drift further apart. - he doesn't ever want to play with you anymore? [shouting over music] - he doesn't want me near him. - ♪ oh oh oh ♪ - that sucks, dude. - what? - i said, that sucks, dude. - oh, thanks. - ♪ we're gonna have a party ♪ [clicking] - ♪ all ni-- ♪ - okay, there we go. that's got the speakers off. now what was it you were trying to do, kyle? - i was trying to make an appointment to see the principal about getting excused on friday so i can take my brother to see yo gabba gabba live.

- mr. mackey, can he just go talk to the principal? - no, this is gonna work. i called intellilink, and they said they were sending over an engineer. [knock at door] - is this classroom 7? - yes. - my name's cody. i'm your smartnician. you're having some intelliproblems with your astute links? - yes, a student's trying to make an appointment to see the principal, mkay? - uh-huh, well, here's the problem. your smart names aren't intelligrated. - oh, i see. - if you want to have those intelligrated with easylink, you might want to upgrade your system to the silver package. - i needed the silver package? mkay, mkay. can we do that? - let me call my supervisor on the intelliphone. [making motor sounds] [tires skidding, crash sounds] [knock at door] - hey, ike? - get out of my room, kyle. i'm playing trucks! - ike, i'm sorry, but i couldn't get us out of school friday. i can't take you to yo gabba gabba live. - you promised. - i couldn't get in to see the principal, ike. - what am i supposed to do, go see it myself? i'm a little baby--who's going to hold my [bleep] hand? you don't give a shit about how i feel.

- ike, i do, i-- - you love pushing me around. is that what you wanna do, kyle, kick the baby? i'm ready, bro. come on, kyle, kick the baby. come on, bro, kick the [bleep] baby. let's see you try it, wuss! hey all, so i just downloaded the experian app because i wanted to check my fico® score, but it does so much more. this thing shows you your fico® score, you can get your credit card recommendations, and it shows you ways to save money. do so much more than get your fico® score. download the experian app now.

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[audience screaming] - what's your name, little boy? - my name is ryan. - and what is your cool, cool trick, ryan? - my cool, cool trick is that i can jump in the air. - yay! - oh! - all right, ryan. let's see you jump in the air. [cheers and applause] - way to go! and what's your name, little boy? - ike broflovski. - do you have a cool trick? - yes, for my cool, cool trick i'm gonna tame foofa's strange. - tame her what? - i can tame foofa's strange, bro. - uh...all right. let's see our friend ike tame foofa's strange! - ike, no, stop! - oh, i see. you're actually-- wait! oh, my god, what are you doing? no, no, no! what are you doing to foofa? no! now you listen here, little boy. it is never okay to take off your clothes and grind on another person. - no, that's wrong! - don't do it! - we're so sorry.

please forgive my little brother. he's going through puberty. - a little young for that, isn't he? - that's what i thought. - this is stupid, bro. foofa shouldn't be limiting herself to little kids. she's [bleep] fine, dude. - what you did was very traumatic for foofa. isn't that right, foofa? foofa? - he's right, plex. we're getting older. i don't want to do the little kid thing the rest of my life. - foofa, what you talking about? - it's time for us to start playing to older people. maybe we need to be edgier, have a little sex appeal. - foofa, no! - i'm an artist. and if all i ever do is play to kids, then i'll be a joke. i have to move on. - oh, god, what has this little boy done? - i try not to think about it, rick. i try to just forget about it and move on, but i can't. i mean, she queefed right in my face. - have you and your wife seen a therapist together? - yes, we went, but i just can't erase the memory of my helpless face being queefed on like that.

who's to say she won't do it again? - don't you think this has something to do with your new job? - what do you mean? - there's more to this, terry. a lady never queefs in her lord's face without some major cause. you started as the canadian minister of health, and three months later, your wife queefs in your face. there's a connection. - i took the job to try and make canada's health care system better. what could that have to do with my wife? - terry, i'm your friend, and i'm not just your friend. i'm also your buddy. - thanks, guy. - and i'm telling you there's more to this than you think, and if you want to save your marriage and your face, you need to figure it out quick. - mr. mackey, so far the school has spent $22,000 on the intellilink system, and so far it's been an unmitigated disaster. - yeah, but, see, the problem is not everyone is signed on to it yet. - they can't sign on, because every time they try they make sprinklers go off. - i know that intellilink has had some...hiccups, okay? but i've hired a new faculty member whose sole responsibility will be to oversee the intellilink system

and make sure it runs smoothly. i want you all to meet pat conners. - hello, everyone. - don't hello us, pat! this system you're responsible for now isn't working out. so what the hell are you going to do about it? - oh, well, i'm just sort of getting acclimated to the situation, and-- - getting acclimated? do you know how much money we wasted on this thing? how about you take some damn responsibility? get the hell out of here, pat. you're fired, get out. well, how the hell we going to clean up pat's mess? i guess, i don't know. i guess we got no choice, mkay. we're just gonna need to upgrade to the intellilink gold package. - oh, no. - it's a $10,000 upgrade, but it should clean up all of pat's mistakes. - mr. mackey, let's be clear. intellilink was your idea. you should just admit it was a bad one and stop being so defensive. - well, it's good to be a little defensive around you, miles, mkay? let's not forget your wife died of an "accident" while you were "drinking" on a hike.

"mkay"? - hey, now listen-- - no, you listen to me! intellilink is a great idea, and we just need the goddamn gold package. we are doubling down. - you're watching e! entertainment news. god knows why. she's all grown up, and she wants you to know it. from kid show star to sex symbol, yo gabba gabba's foofa is ready to rock. she's been seen out partying, photographed smoking pot, and now foofa has announced a raunchy performance on the mtv video music awards. foofa's new manager claims the mtv performance will be one for the record books. - foofa's got that nice shaved strange that you just want to get in and tame the second you see it. - the video awards are at 8:00 p.m. tomorrow. - oh, this is so exciting. - told you it'd go over well. - excuse me, but ike has homework he's supposed to be doing. - shut up, kyle. just ignore my little brother. - i'm your big brother, ike! [doorbell rings] - answer the door, twerp!

- can i talk to you? - i'm sorry but right now-- - foofa! - there she is! - oh, thank god! - hey! - hey! - foofa, what is this about you going on the mtv video awards? - i'm done being a kiddy star. - foofa, you don't have to show your strange to get attention. - you just don't get it because you're a robot, plex. - all right. you won't listen to us, but maybe you'll listen to our special guest, sinead o'connor! - yay. - rah rah! - don't do it, foofa. don't sell out your strange to those corporate bastards. - screw off, sinead o'connor. no one gives a crap about you. - ♪ don't show your strange on tv ♪ - ♪ don't show your strange ♪ - ♪ your strange is for your husband ♪ ♪ not for all the world to see ♪ - ♪ don't show your strange on tv ♪ - ♪ i'm looking for a boyfriend ♪ ♪ looking for a boyfriend ♪ - will you get out of my living room, please? [phone rings] - hello. - have you ever had someone you love queef in your face? - what? - i'm sorry. i'm calling everyone in the canadian health care system

to find out if they're pleased with their health care. is this ike broflovski? - no, this is his brother. - your brother receives his medication from us, and we just want to be sure he's satisfied with the service. - satisfied with-- wait a minute, what medication?

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- before this meeting continues, i should have you be aware that my face has tested positive for queefy sauce. - i'm sorry, but i don't really care. i just want to know what medication

my little brother has been getting you from and why? - people all over the world get their medication from canada. - yeah, but something's wrong with my brother, and it might be your fault. - that's impossible. the canadian health care system is completely integrated and streamlined intellilink. - you use intellilink? oh, my god! will you check his records, please? - sure, no problem. now, what's your brother's canadian medicare smart name? - i don't know. try strange tamer. [keys clicking] strange...tamer. [click] ah, yep, there it is. ah, yes, here we go. i see your little brother has a constipation problem and has been taking a daily laxative since last may. ah, yes, i'm afraid intellilink mixed that up, and your brother's been receiving large doses of hormones that were supposed to go to an athlete in the northeast. - are you saying that ike has been given regular doses of hormones because of an intellilink screw up? - yes, that's right. - that system is totally screwed up and does nothing but wreak havoc! - it's fine! it works fine! just give it some time! god, you sound like my wife. my...my wife. - that must be it. don't you see, terry?

that health care integration system has made you defensive and hostile, and your wife's been putting up with it. - and...that's why she queefed in my face. - excuse me! if my little brother has been getting some athlete's hormones, then who has been getting ike's medication? - tom brady looking sluggish again today. not sure what his problem has been lately. - yeah, definitely not looking as strong and virile as he has in the past. - [farts] hut, hut... [farts] hut, hut, hut, hut... aah...hike! - brady steps back to pass. he's got an open man at the 40 yard line. - and whatever is wrong with tom brady just seems to be getting worse. go, broncos. - ♪ oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪ ♪ caught up in the action, i've been looking out for you ♪ ♪ oh-- ♪ [music stops] - okay. there we go. your students can buy school lunches now, but they won't be able to get grades. - no, they have to be able to get grades. - well, what you probably want to do

is upgrade to intellilink platinum. - no! there's no more upgrading, mkay? i just want this to work. - what exactly do you mean by "work"? - i just want students to be able to make appointments to see the counselor, be able to see the school nurse in the easiest, most streamlined fashion! - oh, you want the centurion package. that's where we take all the intellilink panels and rip them off the walls and we burn them. then we wipe all the computers of intellilink software, and you never deal with us again. - all right. upgrade me to the centurion package. - right away. all right, sir, here's a clipboard you can use for students to sign up for counseling, and i want to thank you for choosing intellilink. - the mtv video music awards will be back with a performance from yo gabba gabba's foofa singing pound my sweet strange. - two minutes, foofa.

- thanks. oh, my, here we go. - ike, wait. - get out of here, dude. - ike, there's been a mistake. you don't understand. - no, you don't understand, wuss. why can't you just let me grow up? why do you keep harassing me? - because you're my little brother, goddamn it, and even when i'm 50 and you're 45, you're still gonna be my little brother. - all right, y'all, here comes our next big act. - ike, i don't care if you want to grow up. i just want to be by your side while you do it. - give it up for the sexiest bitch on earth. it's foofa! [cheers and applause] - come on, ike. ike? - he's right, foof. part of growing up is rebelling, but i'm gonna get older whether i like it or not. so why push it? i think i'm gonna let it happen naturally. - yay! - yay! - foofa? - ♪ come on, come on, and pound my strange ♪

♪ pound it like this, pound it like that ♪ - it was a mistake. - what? - trying to reform canada's health care system and being too stubborn to admit it wasn't working... even when my wife said the system was too complicated. i wouldn't listen! - oh, terry, i was just trying to get your attention. i'm sorry i queefed in your face. - i deserved it. anyone who thinks streamlining health care into an integrated computer system would go smoothly deserves a giant queef in their face. thank you, my lady. - so intellilink is gone, my lord? - yes, i've upgraded to the gold package. within no time, canadians everywhere will be getting their correct medications and going back to normal. [baby laughing] - ike? - kyle. it's dora the explorer! - come on, let's climb the mountain.