sit down. what are you, deaf? i said sit down. hey, for the last time, sit down. oh, yeah. [♪♪] ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> jon: oh, yes! oh, baby! we've got a good one! come on! welcome to "the daily show!" my name is jon stewart. we've got a hell of a show for you tonight. first and foremost, wanted to thank everybody for such kind words about my dog, truly meant a lot to me, i took great comfort in it. but before we do anything, breaking news! >> this is cnn breaking news. >> we begin with the breaking news this morning. the united states supreme court ruling that former president donald trump cannot be removed from any state's ballot for his actions on january 6. >> jon: i think the real breaking news --

[audience reacts] oh, pipe down. they know better than the supreme court. [laughter] "and all my years of law school, i couldn't believe the arguments!" i think the real breaking news here is, wolf blitzer and i appear to be merging! we are becoming one! [cheers and applause] blitzer! by the way, the supreme court, 9-0, the ruling was, "let donnie cook!" really. so let that be a lesson to all you out there who might be thinking about subverting the constitution in a presidential election. you go, boy! for more on the supreme court's ruling, we turn to our own desi lydic live at the supreme court. [cheers and applause] desi, thank you for joining us down there tonight. i will warn you before you do the report, the audience is filled with law students.

so desi, democrats have to be disappointed in this ruling. >> yes, democrats are doing more shower-crying than normal today, jon. but they are still confident that a conviction in the january 6th trial can keep trump out of the white house. >> jon: but desi, that's seemingly not likely to happen before election day. >> right. but fortunately, trump has three other criminal trials coming up. one of those has to be a conviction, so democrats are optimistic. >> jon: but trump can still be president if he's convicted. i mean, none of the cases will stop that. >> right. i'm glad you brought that up, jon. democrats say if none of these cases go their way, there is still another avenue to pursue. >> jon: the getting more votes scenario? >> they're not there yet. they were gonna lay reese's pieces out in a trail, that leads into a golden tent labeled "mar-a-lago" that can

only be zipped from the outside. or they've discussed making him the next golden bachelor. once he's surrounded by women his own age, democrats believe he will spontaneously combust. >> jon: i -- i still think the more votes -- >> democrats find a witch. the witch turns donald trump into a bird. the bird isn't there on election day, having already migrated to a warmer climate. >> jon: desi, the election is obviously tight. the battleground states are going to be difficult, but clearly there is still a path to victory for democrats, even if narrow! >> oh, yes, you're talking about sending trump an apple vision pro, preloaded with porn, so he'll be too busy masturbating to campaign. [laughter and cheering] >> jon: that could work. desi lydic, everyone.

there you have it. [cheers and applause] i think maybe the last one, that does sound plausible. there you have it, that breaking news, the presidential election is still on. we now return you to your regularly scheduled presidential election year programming. >> fox news alert. america's border crisis boiling over. >> chaos at the border. >> the never-ending surge of migrants crashing across our southern border. >> jon: yes, every two to four years, we are reminded that we have a southern border and it is porous. >> there is a migrant crime spree killing americans and the president's an accessory to murder. >> we are being overwhelmed. there is no word to describe this except invasion. >> illegal invaders invading america pouring over our border by the millions. >> criminals, rapists, murderers, child predators, and god knows who else.

[boos] >> jon: god knows who else? i mean, statistically, a couple of them at least have to be podcasters! murderers? but point taken, i think my pants just shit their pants. and if you're thinking that these are just some central americans no-goodniks, think again. >> the countries we know they're coming from: iran, number one state sponsor of terror, their satellite country, syria, egypt, home of the muslim brotherhood, afghanistan, home of al qaeda. 10,000 plus from russia. >> record numbers of chinese men, of military age, who have come across our border. >> the number of military-aged men that are showing up with military haircuts, clearly in shape, these guys showing up with six packs and military boots. [laughter and applause]

>> jon: [in dr. phil voice] they are clearly -- tight asses and, i mean, there's not an ounce of fat on these [bleep]. it is a hunk fest. i'm hard right now. going down there and goddamn, i want to get ass deep on these immigrants i want to [bleep] and suck until this country -- i want to stick -- cash me outside, how bout dat? [in regular voice] [cheers and applause] the crowd loves my dirty phil. we got criminals, terrorists, anyone else we should be worried about? >> anybody ever hear of

hannibal lecter? he was a nice fellow, but that's what's coming into our country right now. [laughter] >> jon: wouldn't cannibals amongst them be the solution to the problem? or are they fasting until they get to america? it is clear hyperbole, but there does seem to be bipartisan agreement now that the border is a problem. there were 300,000 crossings in december alone, that's an all-time high. and that is not sustainable. but the republicans turned down the chance to pass a strong border bill supported by the border patrol union because of how confident they are that fear-mongering will be an effective election year strategy. it's all about branding. >> i call it migrant crime. i really call it biden migrant crime, but it's too long.

so let's just call it migrant crime and everyone's going to know it's because of biden. we will call it from now on biden migrant crime, okay? it's bigrant crime. this is -- we'll call it, i got it, bigrant. let's call it bigrant, biden crime bi -- oh, that's -- that's good. that's smart. bigrant crime. >> jon: it's a portmanteau. i'm not completely sold on "bi-grant." it really just sounds like a migrant who's open to crossing either border. migrant crime. bigrant. look, there are some undocumented migrants who are committing crimes, some of them horrific. but isn't that true for every demographic including natives? i feel pretty confident there's still a lot of opportunity out there for our american home-grown criminals.

but if it's enough of an issue that on thursday, we had ourselves a good old fashioned border-off, as both men saddled up and headed to the southern border. trump headed to eagle pass and biden headed to brownsville. it was bitch-ass cassidy versus the sundown kid. and biden was fired up! >> we're the -- [shouting] united states of america. >> jon: nailed it! he knew exactly who we are! yes! he knew what country we are in! bang, boom! this is the united states of america! i take back everything i said a month ago! lay out your proposal! >> i understand my predecessor is in eagle pass today. so here's what i would say to mr. trump. instead of playing politics with the issue, instead of telling members of congress to block this legislation, join me or i'll join you in telling the congress to pass this bipartisan border security bill. we can do it together. >> jon: ladies and gentlemen,

the olive branch has been extended across the aisle, in a show of genuine desire to solve this complex and vexing issue. trump, your response? >> crooked joe has the blood of countless innocent victims. >> jon: mm, that's a no. seriously, though, "crooked joe?" that's what we're going with? >> crooked joe biden. he's crooked. i took the name away from hillary, because she's no longer relevant, i guess. >> jon: do you have to say everything that happens in your head out loud? it's been eight years! you [bleep] won! the woman has been through enough, now you're gonna take away her nickname? what are you doing? but let me tell you something, trump, -- i don't know why i got

serious they are. you can't scare the democrats. because the one thing the democrats have is principles. when it comes to immigration, the democrats hold to our country's cherished ideals. the eternal promise etched at the feet of lady liberty that speaks to our better angels. [cheers and applause] >> the only way we're gonna have a great future in america is if we welcome and embrace immigrants. >> these people are folks that we should be helping. america welcomes immigrants. >> we want people to come here despite where they came from or despite the circumstances that drove them to this country. >> this is a place where the statue of liberty sits in the harbor and we say, bring us your tired. those who are yearning to be free. >> jon: unshakeable, bedrock american values of compassion and empathy. and there is not a damn thing you can do to change that. >> buses arriving in new york

city from texas, one after another, filled with migrants seeking asylum. >> jon: that's all you got? nice try texas, but you heard the mayor! we're new york [bleep] city, how dare you? no disrespect. but you're never gonna change our values just because you're afraid! so keep sending those busloads! cause we got plenty of room in our hearts and in this city! >> we have no more room in the city. [cheers and applause] [laughter] >> jon: but what about the yearnings and the tiredness? and the tiredness of those who are doing the yearning? >> 110,000 migrants, we have to feed, clothe, house, educate the

children, wash their laundry sheets. this issue will destroy new york city. destroy new york city. >> jon: i mean, they're supposed to be doing our sheets! what's going on around here? what kind of topsy-turvy world are we living in over here? yes, it turns out in the age-old battle between values and fear, values never had a [bleep] chance! it took two busloads of venezuelans to go from this to this! so this is the terrible cycle america is caught in. democrats, whose high-minded values and principles did not survive a contact high with reality, and republicans, whose desire to solve the problem isn't nearly as strong as their desire to exploit it. and no one wins. well, except this guy. >> clearly in shape, these guys are showing up with six packs and military boots.

>> jon: learn more in his new special "dr. phil straddles the border." when we come back, author jonathan blitzer will be joining me. don't go away. [cheers and applause] we are trying really hard to get you reese's peanut butter cups but there is only so much we can do here. you're gonna have to meet us halfway. (♪♪) well, the whole way, actually. (♪♪)

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight covers immigration for "the new yorker," and his new book is called "everyone who is gone is here: the united states, central america, and the making of a crisis." please welcome to the program jonathan blitzer!

sir! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ sir! thank you for joining us. first thing is first. what are you doing to me? >> [laughs] >> jon: i have a family, i have a wife. this is a very long book. >> you don't have to read the notes. >> jon: oh, son of a bitch. what an incredibly thorough documentation of the causes of the immigration crisis, the discussions that have been going on through multiple administrations. in your mind, what has us trapped in this sort of specificity and nightmare? >> for years and years, we watched in this loop as politicians in washington say we can't pass copperheads of immigration reform because of the situation at the border. and yet, the situation at the border is in a state of chaos

because we have not passed comprehensive immigration reform. as a result, it has borne the brunt of the otherwise failing system. so we are stuck in this loop where lawmakers in washington went to the border to justify their inaction and the border is in a state of chaos and it is because of inaction in washington. >> jon: i almost never hear politicians talking about how many people can you absorb? when you tell me they're going to be 2 million people coming to the southern border and they are just being kind of logged and released, that sounds utterly chaotic and a recipe for disaster. but how many people can this country absorb? what do we need for economic growth? what is a better system? i feel like we never talk about that. we just react to images of chaos. >> absolutely. we can't talk about one aspect of immigration system without the view of the other. so if we are only ever talking about the southern border, we are missing the entire picture that we need to better understand. just as an example, right now --

you don't have to take my word for it. >> jon: i sure do. >> you don't. >> jon: you are the only one. >> until you read the footnotes. the chairman of the federal reserve, economists across the country, everyone has pointed to the fact that immigrant labor has essentially kept this country's economy afloat following the covid hears. and so this is the engine of growth. the population is getting older -- >> jon: immigrant labor can be more easily exploited is paid laws, starts to depress wages for a lot of other people. is that not accurate? >> i don't think it is entirely. i think it is -- >> jon: somewhat accurate? reasonably accurate? >> well, until there are ways of absorbing an immigrant labor force legally into the country, there are always going to be opportunities for employers to exploit the undocumented and in the process, to drive down working wages. and so the idea is, there needs to be a thoroughgoing reform to

the system and the problem is, of course, and washington, that has been dead on arrival for decades. we are kind of in this doom loop where the border is the symbol of everything, but obviously, and the commonsensical way, the only way to approach this broader problem to deal with every aspect of the system. >> jon: this is where you drop us, you drop a little drop of sunshine and you say, but here is the news. go. >> [laughs] what is in here? >> jon: no! >> i would say the good news is that from a policy perspective, at least doing some other things to relieve pressure on the southern border are no great mystery to lawmakers they are for the problem, of course, is the politics, but it doesn't require any great feat of the imagination. >> jon: this is not a complexity beyond the imagination of human beings. >> correct. >> jon: we don't have to restabilize areas we destabilized to really get a handle on it. it's about fixing the system of influx. >> i mean, i think overall, the only way to kind of deal with

migration trends in the world is to understand the forces in a global context. and that means that the united states has to be more mindful of the consequences of its foreign policy, has to work with partners in the region. >> jon: i'm sorry, i blacked out when you said -- you said something about mindful foreign policy and i just started thinking about u2 in the sphere. i don't know what is going on. >> i will say, reforming the asylum system specifically is a complex task and i do think some hard decisions have to be made about reckoning with the population of people showing up at the southern border and kind of understanding with the limits are of the asylum system as we know it. but before we get to a point of having to make these major sacrifices to a system that i think really should be a core part of american policy, for ethical reasons and just for a straight-ahead policy reasons -- >> jon: branding. to say nothing else. >> there are things that can be done, basic things, like sending

more money to the government to hire more asylum officers, more immigration judges. these things sound boring, they sound wonky. very specifically, republicans in congress are trying to block these very straight-ahead, basic measures from taking place. just basic funding measures because they benefit from increased chaos of the southern border. there are things that can be done -- >> jon: so until the election, there is no hope until after the election to even address any of it. >> i mean, it is pretty overwhelming to see right now republicans in congress basically say, we are not going to touch this. i mean, they've set it explicitly. >> jon: they are saying this is the greatest danger to america, maybe ever, and we are not going to do anything because we think it is a great issue. i mean, that is truly devious. >> yeah. and the plot of that playing out was, the administration, the biden administration onto congress and said, we need more money to increase resources of the southern border. >> jon: but they were slow on

the uptick as well. >> absolutely. there is plenty that the biden and restoration can be faulted for. they go to congress, ask for money, that doesn't work, republicans say, no, we need to see further changes to the asylum system as we know. the ad administration goes to the negotiating table, makes a series of compromises at the democrats were not comfortable making years ago. pretty significant changes just in their own orientation of the conversation. they finally brokered this deal. this isn't just a -- this is a bipartisan deal. you have mitch mcconnell saying to his senate members, listen, the politics of this -- the phrase he used as reported was "the politics have changed." the politics having changed were, trump came out against this negotiation. >> jon: wow. >> it was a very clear calculation that was made that we benefit from the situation getting worse. >> jon: that is so tough because mcconnell is usually so idealistic. it is just hard to see. i was shocked. it is shocking. of these self-serving politics. that is not the guy i know.

[laughter] [applause] "everyone who is gone is here." jonathan blitzer. we're gonna take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. thank you so much. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show for tonight! but before we go, let's check in with your host for the rest of the week, mr. ronny chieng, ladies and gentlemen! so nice to see you. big week. you've got super tuesday tomorrow. >> yeah, i guess. >> jon: state of the union on thursday, ronny. >> mhm, mhm, yeah. >> jon: is there something else you are planning on covering here? >> where is kate middleton? [cheers and applause] where are you, kate? some people think she's dead. some people think she got a bbl. my theory is, they didn't turn the bbl machine off in time, and now she's all bbl.

so stop looking for kate middleton, and start looking for a princess-sized bbl. >> jon: it's an important story. keep following that. ronny chieng at the desk this week, ladies and gentlemen. here it is. your "moment of zen." >> it is nothing in the case of biden on thursday, a cynical, political stunt. biden the president. it is beyond disgraceful that he will be at the border with president trump on thursday. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> sorry. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪