someone who can meet deadlines and just pretty much just go the extra mile, i guess. i can do that. great. and, uh, obviously, we're looking for someone who knows photoshop and dreamweaver, corel painter, illustrator, after effects--all the basics. i don't know any of those. [laughs] it's actually not super-complicated. i mean, i'm sure there's some sort of, like, adult education classes in the area. but if you're really serious about graphic design, one thing about new york or philadelphia-- they've got amazing programs out there for design. new york or philadelphia. yeah. all right. cool. well, thanks. and i'll look into those. you should. new york or philadelphia. absolutely. that's where the action is. thanks. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] >> jon: we are back! we did it! we are back! welcome to "the daily show!" my name is jon stewart. we've got an unbelievable program prepared for you tonight! gary clark jr. will be here! we have the smoke machine going. before we get to that, let's bring a little meaning into all of our lives! i don't know what i'm talking

about. let's get to the big news today! breathless anticipation at trump tower over an important and perhaps earthshaking development in the world of former president donald j. trump. >> celebrations are underway for former president trump after claiming he won two golf trophies at his west palm beach club. >> jon: that's right, woke libs! you think donald trump is a loser? well, would a loser brag about winning a golf tournament at his own course? i don't think so! although, obviously, trump has an advantage playing golf. it's difficult for his opponents to stay focused when they spend all that time staring at dat ass. come on. [cheers and applause] a lot of times, golfers let you

grab them by the asshole. they love it if you are a celebrity. that is the worst trump impression in the history. actually, trump, one of the few talented golfers who has a thick ass and a front butt. he has a front butt. what it does, the butt and the front butt becomes more like a big ball. the back and the front. it helps with the center of gravity. it's like being on the hippity hop. i'm kidding of course. congratulations to donald trump on winning the "trump cup." i'm talking about today's big trump legal development. >> the clock is ticking for former president donald trump. he'll need to post a nearly half a billion dollar bond in order to satisfy his new york civil fraud case judgment. otherwise, the state could begin seizing properties to pay for

it. >> jon: damn! that's right. all week, we sat with breathless anticipation to see if trump had $454 million in his wallet, or would trump tower be turned over to new york city? to perhaps ease our terrible housing crunch or more likely, do what they always do: another shitty walgreens. i think another shitty walgreens whose shelves are bare from the rogue bands of shoplifters. thanks a lot, david dinkins! is he -- i don't know -- very small percentage of the audience will understand. but the ones that do... as you can imagine, the prospect of trump being held accountable for what would be the first time had the media enthralled. >> donald trump is running out of time to find $464 million. >> the former president's legal

problems may finally be catching up to him. >> could this be the beginning of the end for trump's business empire? >> it seems as though we are getting closer. >> panic mode, i am told, is setting in. >> i think we will be writing a version of an obituary of the trump organization. >> jon: r.i.p. come of this b12 organization. it died as it lived! fraudulently. [cheers and applause] look, folks, it is very difficult to come back from an obituary. looks like it's the end of the line for donald j. trump esquire. no way he comes up with half a billion dollars by the end of the day. i've been saving this since 2016. and it's finally here. and it's finally here. [cheers and applause] judgment day! >> moments ago, the former

president got a financial lifeline from a new york appeals court. [boos] [laughter] >> jon: this isn't going to be good. >> it reduced the bond he must pay in the civil fraud case from more than $450 million to $175 million and gave him more time to pay for it. >> jon: well, that's still something! ten days to come up with $175 million. that -- i mean, unless he's about to come into a shit ton of money, i don't see how he does that. >> the recent merger of truth social could net the former president some $3 billion. >> jon: mother [bleep]!

[applause] ugh. that is new year's eve. ew. you know what, let's take a step back. what did trump actually do to earn this penalty? well, it turns out, that for a decade, whenever trump wanted to get a loan or make a deal, he would illegally inflate the value of his real estate -- for instance, suggesting his 11,000 square foot penthouse was a 30,000 square foot penthouse. i guess somehow including the sky in his calculation. we all do it. i mean, on my license, i'm not listed as 5'7," you know, i'm listed as 30,000 square feet.

i mean, that's -- [laughs] thank you. and the attorney general of new york knew that trump's property values were inflated, because when it came time to pay taxes, trump undervalued the very same properties. it was all part of a very sophisticated real estate practice known as "lying." so the judge calculated that the value he gained from the lying, with interest, was around $454 million dollars. now you might be saying to yourself, well, that sounds pretty straightforward. whatever gains you got from lying, you have to pay back. well, that's because you're a [bleep] idiot. if you knew anything about business, if you had an mba, you would know, you're a [bleep] idiot. >> this was a victimless crime. they fight an ordinance or law that has never been used ever before and anyone else. >> he's committed bank fraud where there's no victim. it makes no sense. >> there was no victim. >> there's no victim and ruling is blatantly unfair. >> that didn't go over very well with the investment community, because we're all asking each other, who's next?

>> jon: ah, who's next? the persecuted minority of "the investment community." "first, they came for the arbitragers and i said nothing, for i was not an arbitrager. and then they came for the quants, which i could be, i don't know what a quant is." but i'm surprised to hear this from kevin o'leary, a guy who's such an asshole -- wait -- that even the other people on "shark tank" think he's an asshole. [cheers and applause] i'm surprised to hear that he's so chill about overvaluing something that he thinks is victimless. because when someone tries to do that to him... >> which one of you do i absolutely tear to pieces now on a $28 million valuation? >> you think this is worth $10 million? >> absolutely. >> now i'm going to rip you to pieces. are you out of your mind? >> your valuation's insane! your valuation's crazy!

>> i think that's a crazy valuation. i think your valuation is stinky-poo-poo. [applause and laughter] >> jon: oh oh, no, you didn't! canadians are so vulgar. how is he not this mad about overvaluations in the real world? because they're not victimless crimes. first, the banks got paid back at lower interest rates. although, let's be honest, who gives a shit? but second, money isn't infinite. a loan that goes to the liar doesn't go to someone giving a more honest evaluation, so the system becomes incentivized for corruption. and this is part of a different trump fraud case, but avoiding taxes hurts all of us. donald trump's shenanigans cost the city of new york. [cheers and applause]

and to be honest, let's be frank here, that is money the city of new york could have used to build more walgreens. now, some blocks only have two of them. leave it to kevin o'leary to be unaware enough to say the quiet part out loud. >> i hear about the so-called victimless crimes, but the laws on the books, falsifications of business records and second-degree, issuing false financial statements, insurance fraud, conspiracy, and all these different aspects of it. those are actual crimes. i take it your point is that these should not have been prosecuted? >> everything you just listed off is done by every real estate developer, everywhere on earth in every city. this has never, ever been prosecuted. [audience react] [boos] >> jon: there is a theory in law that if enough people commit a crime, it automatically becomes legal.

you're familiar with the purge. are you not? the [bleep] entitled arrogance. i don't know if you know this, but most people just can't commit fraud and expect to face no repercussions, even if everyone's doing it. try getting a car loan by saying you have ten times as much money as you really do. or claim 20 dependents when you have no children. or say you make slightly less money to qualify for food assistance. i will guarantee you, there are not just financial consequences for those lies, but criminal ones. but don't tell that to the investment community. because in their minds, in pursuit of profit, there is no rule that cannot be bent, there is no principle that cannot be undercut, as long as you and your [bleep] friends make money. and the only immoral practice —-dash go [cheers and applause] hold on, i am not done. if i could raise my chair up, i

would! [laughter] apparently, the only immoral practice in the capitalist system is to use that money for people who may need it. >> fraud, waste, and abuse. people never want to be honest about, but a lot of these parents, you know, they abuse the system. a lot of them are encouraged to abuse the system. >> where do you think the money you get for food stamps, who do you think pays that money, your health care? you're taking their money and you just don't seem to care. >> the guy who walks out of the store with a bag of food. is he entitled to it because food is a necessity and he doesn't have enough of it? >> jon: you nutrition-needing mother[bleep]. bringing our system to its knees. stealing is only justified when you already have too much. ultimately, whether or not trump is a victim of selective prosecution, it's going to be a matter for the supreme court to decide. luckily, that is an institution which still holds the trust of the american people because of its integrity. >> for years, justice

clarence thomas has secretly accepted luxury gifts from a gop mega donor, harlan crowe, gifts like private jet flights, luxury yacht cruises, and according to the report, the supreme court justice never reported them on annual financial disclosures. >> jon: victimless! it is a victimless crime! [bleep] it. when we come back, gary clark jr. will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight: a grammy award-winning musician whose new album is called "jpeg raw." please welcome gary clark jr.! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> amazing! >> jon: mm! gary, i -- so you know how much i love your music and what you do. >> i have heard. >> jon: you have heard. i bother gary quite frequently, because i am such a fan of yours and because i love music, but this album, "jpeg raw," i just feel it is a masterpiece. >> thank you. >> jon: you killed it, dude. >> thank you. [cheers and applause]

>> jon: it is so good. >> thank you. i felt that way but it is good to hear somebody say that out loud. >> jon: you were just letting yourself go to every place musically, artistically that you wanted to go? >> i decided during that time -- there was no one saying, gary clark jr., the guitar player, any of that kind of stuff. i had been pushed into being this guy, who was the savior of the blues and the blues is going to be fine. it is music that has stood the test of time. [cheers and applause] >> jon: i will say this, people will always be sad. [laughter] but the other stuff, man, you hit a falsetto and i was like, i didn't even know you had that. >> well, i just grew up as a kid listening to r&b music, curtis mayfield, stevie wonder, marvin gaye, all that kind of stuff. >> jon: so stevie wonder is on this record! >> yes, he is. >> jon: which is bananas. [cheers and applause] what was it, did you reach out to see out to stevie wonder and

say, hey, man, i've been a fan since i was a kid? any chance you want to jump in? >> no, he actually called me. >> jon: stevie wonder? >> stevie wonder facetimed me. [cheers and applause] >> jon: wait, stevie wonder did what? >> stevie wonder facetimed me. >> jon: he facetimed you? >> it was pretty cool. [laughter] >> jon: i am just going to avoid that. >> yeah, yeah. >> jon: for -- what was the impetus? did he say, i love your stuff? i love it? what was the impetus? >> he called me to do a song on his record. it was "where's our love song" on the record he released in 2020. soon after that, everything was kind of going crazy, i was frustrated, there was no outlet, i wasn't out seeing people. i was just seeing my phone. then i got to record a video of me going, what the hell is going on? >> jon: in the world. >> in the world. like, what are we going to do? i was frustrated, angry, concerned. always with a sense of hope. so he facetimes me -- he always says my name really weird.

he goes "garay," -- [laughter] i don't know where that comes from. so that is my name now. >> jon: "garay"! >> he called me and said, i heard what you are saying, i see you, let's make a song about it. as a matter of fact, i have an idea. there's a song called "what about the children." he's like, i will send you a voice memo. do you want to collaborate? i'm going to say no? so he sends me the demo and i get to working on the record with my band in the studio, we go back and forth and i said, well, will you sing on it now? not only does he think on it, he plays beautiful harmonica. he plays clavinet, he hadn't played clav in, i think, 30 something years, classic stevie. >> jon: really? >> he has tapped into something that i don't think many people are able to tap into. >> jon: right. the song you are going to do for

us today, "habits," what is that? >> it is real and it's raw and i hate to make everybody sad. but it is cool. >> jon: it is fantastic and it is, you know, there is also a certain courage in saying, hey, man, and this song is 9 minutes and it is worth every minute. it is worth every second. it's a beautiful song. >> thank you. we actually chopped off a two minute intro. >> jon: i felt it was lacking something. no, it is fantastic. it is always such a pleasure to see you, man. >> likewise. thank you. you are the man. [cheers and applause] >> jon: "jpeg raw" is available now. stay tuned for a special performance after the break. performance after the break. we'll be right back after this. ♪ “don't let go” ♪ by terrace martin, mr talkbox, pj morton ♪ don't let me go ♪ ♪ no ♪

♪ don't let me go ♪ ♪ no ♪ ♪ don't let me go ♪ ♪ no, no, no don't let me go ♪ ♪ don't let me go ♪ ♪ no don't you ever let me go ♪ ♪ don't you ever let me go ♪ ♪ don't you ever let me go ♪ ♪ norman, bad news... i never graduated ♪ donfrom med school.me go ♪ what? but the good news is... xfinity mobile just got even better! now, you can automatically connect to wifi speeds up to a gig on the go. plus, buy one unlimited line and get one free for a year. i gotta get this deal... that's like $20 a month per unlimited line... i don't want to miss that. that's amazing doc. mobile savings are calling. visit xfinitymobile.com to learn more. doc?

[stomach growling] it's nothing... sounds like something. ♪when you have nausea, heartburn, indigestion♪ ♪upset stomach, diarrhea♪ pepto bismol coats and soothes for fast relief when you need it most.

>> jon: hey, welcome back to "the daily show." now to play the song "habits,"

please welcome back gary clark jr. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> ♪ i've got habits that i just can't break ♪ ♪ when i think about it i start to shake ♪ ♪ i've been feeling like this for a while ♪ ♪ i always hide behind my crooked smile ♪ ♪ i keep running in circles chasing my tail ♪

♪ i've lost my purpose ♪ ♪ i need some help ♪ ♪ i've had good days and i've had bad ♪ ♪ i wouldn't trade it for the time that we've had ♪ ♪ white lies, oh, white lies ♪ ♪ bright smiles turn to crying eyes ♪ ♪ i keep running in circles ♪

♪ mm ♪ ♪ chasing my tail ♪ ♪ it looks good on the surface ♪ ♪ i need some help ♪ ♪ yeah ♪ ♪ cause we've only got one shot ♪ ♪ from the moment we started ♪ ♪ got to stay on lock ♪ ♪ locked on target ♪ ♪ i've got everything i need ♪ ♪ more than i wanted ♪ ♪ but it means nothing when you're gone ♪ ♪ gone ♪ ♪ gone, yeah ♪ ♪ but it means nothing when you're gone ♪

♪ gone, yeah ♪ ♪ i know nothing is for sure ♪ ♪ i know nothing is for sure ♪ ♪ i, i know nothing is for sure ♪ ♪ i, i know nothing is for sure ♪ ♪ i've got habits that i just can't break ♪ [cheers and applause] thank you so much.

to test the toughness of the kia sorento x-pro and the kia sorento turbo-hybrid... (♪♪) ...we recreated some of the wettest springs... (♪♪) ...hottest summers... (♪♪) ...windiest falls... (♪♪) ...and coldest winters. (♪♪) all on one track. to prove these three-row suvs were built for the unstoppable. kia. movement that inspires. hi, i'm ron reagan, an unabashed atheist, and i'm alarmed, as you may be, by the intrusions of religion into our secular government. that's why i'm asking you to join the freedom from religion foundation, the nation's largest and most effective association of atheists and agnostics

working to keep state and church separate, just like our founders intended. please join the freedom from religion foundation today. ron reagan, lifelong atheist, not afraid of burning in hell. when i was a boy they took everything from me. now, they have to be extinguished. there's a mover here. from nakuta. do you remember me? you killed my mother. find him. before your nobody, becomes a somebody. only god can forgive you now.

password? the corners pop at night. ♪♪ popcorners. heard that the cats meow? of course, it's because they're popped, not fried. ♪♪ knock yourself out. delicious. [whistles] sfx: [police siren] what is he wearing? bro, i said dress like a cop busting a speakeasy. i thought you told me it was a sleep-easy. and that made sense to you? sfx: [crunch] don't answer that. [cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show for tonight! but before we go, let's check in with your host for the rest of the week, mr. jordan klepper!

hey! [cheers and applause] >> hey. >> jon: tell me that is, what are you going to be talking about this week? >> well, jon, it'll be a bittersweet week as it will be my last week at the show -- >> jon: what? >> before transitioning to my new job. you're looking at the next ceo of boeing! [cheers and applause] [laughs] >> jon: i don't mean this to disparage. do you have any experience in aeronautics? or business? or anything? >> uh, no. >> jon: okay, okay. >> but i brought this wrench to the interview and they were like, "oh, my god, you have exactly what we've been looking for!" [applause] >> jon: can't be worse than what they had. jordan klepper all this week. here it is, your "moment of zen." >> none of this would be happening if donald trump wasn't running for president. they've issued 91 indictment against donald trump. charles manson faced ten.

♪ ♪ ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ (♪♪) is bad debt holding you back? ♪ the only limit is the sky ♪

♪ it's our time ♪ ♪ you don't want to miss it (just a little bit louder) ♪ ♪ it's our time ♪ ♪ you don't want to miss it ♪ ♪ it's your moment in the spotlight ♪ all your ambitions. all in one app. low fixed rates. borrow up to $100k. no fees required. sofi. get your money right®. the future is threatened by enemies often unpredictable. when there are battles to win for america's future, there is one constant: marines.

♪♪ nobody is safe. nobody can hide tfrom these monsters.: internet trolls are truly predators of society. as parents, we find it hard to believe our children are doing these things online. and that is why i've been asked to come and speak to you about the student who has been trolling your school message boards. this troll is known only as skankhunt42. we believe it probable he's one of the boy students here, since his favorite target seems to be women. here, you can see heidi turner's mother photoshopped with a penis in her mouth

after she defended her daughter's right to sit out the national anthem. [ audience murmuring ] since then, this child has been trolling all over the internet, visiting message boards and social media and filling it with vile comments and hate-filled garbage. but trolling is on the rise with teenagers, and we all need to come together to stop it. we need every parent to look for the signs in their own child. in order for us to find these secretive monsters, we need all parents to ask themselves "could my child be a troll?" my god, what children are capable of now. what kind of hate would have to be in that's child's heart? well, you never know. could be someone who just... kind of thinks it's funny to stir the pot and watch everyone freak out. uh, you know, maybe the fact that it's so not funny makes it somehow funny... to kids. gosh, i-i certainly don't understand it. [ sad music plays ]

[ water splashes ] [ birds cawing ] [ police radio chatter ] [ both crying ] dude, what's going on? you didn't hear? hear what? what happened? heidi turner -- she... she quit twitter. oh, no. yesterday after school.

she wrote one last tweet that said, "goodbye forever," and then just got off for good. she'll get back on. no, dude, she threw her phone in the river. she's -- she's gone. all right, students, i know we're all dealing with the loss of a good friend. we have to accept the fact that heidi won't be on social media anymore. i know we're all gonna miss her. m'kay? we're gonna miss seeing what she's up to, miss seeing those silly pictures she'd post of her and her friends. m'kay? [ crying ] but this is what can happen when someone gets bullied online to the point they just can't go on anymore. i know that some of you are feeling anger, m'kay, some of you are feeling a little guilt, and asking how something like this can happen. but the best thing we can do for heidi is come together as friends and as students. m'kay? so now why don't we all get on twitter, m'kay, and just tweet some of the things we loved about heidi, m'kay? [ crying ] [ keyboards clacking ]

m'kay. oh, that's nice. that's nice. [ mutters ] oh, that's a good one, sarah. uh-huh. that's -- that's a pretty poem. nice, butters. oh, heidi would have loved this so much. this is so special. m'kay? okay, can we all agree now that whoever is doing this needs to stop? totally, you guys. this has gone far enough. the girls are really pissed off at us. [ slurps ] so tonight, whoever is doing this isn't going to do it again. 'cause if he does, we're gonna have to do something about it. you hear that, guys? it better not happen again tonight. i am so seriously. ike, can i talk to you? come on. pull up a chair.

you know, we had a big parent meeting at the school tonight. and, uh, apparently, there's someone trolling the school message boards and putting penises in people's mouths. and whoever it was then got a big reaction from it, so he's now putting penises in people's mouths all over the internet and... he's actually getting pretty famous. so, annie jerkins' mother started an online campaign to stop internet trolling with a picture of her and her daughter, and you know what happened? she got a dick in her mouth. okay, okay, i know it's just guy humor stuff. you know, we can laugh about it here, but it is serious, too. well, love you, pal. get to sleep. it's a school night. oh, hey! did you talk to him? yeah, yeah. we talked. it was good. oh, that's good. yeah, well, i better go and get some of my work done. oh, right, right, yeah.

yeah, don't wait up. i'll be a while with these stupid case profiles. all right. night, gerald. night, sweetie. [ "smokin'" by boston plays ] [ knuckles crack ] ♪ we're gonna play you a song ♪ ♪ a little bit of rock 'n' roll ♪ [ bell dings ] ♪ we're gettin' down today ♪ ♪ hey, hey, hey ♪ ♪ whoo! ♪ ♪ get down tonight ♪

♪ smokin' ♪ ♪ smokin' ♪ ♪ smokin' ♪ ♪ smokin' ♪ ♪ i feel all right, mama ♪ ♪ i'm not jokin', yeah ♪ [ organ solo ] [ organ solo continues ] ♪ gettin' off today ♪ ♪ we'll pick you up and take you away ♪ ♪ whoo! ♪ ♪ get down tonight ♪ ♪ but all right ♪ [ music stops, chair creaks ] [ yawns ]

you should have seen what he said about my mother on her instagram! pages and pages of disgusting things! this is an attack on all of us. it's time to make the boys suffer. it has to be swift and serious. we have to make a statement that girls in south park aren't going to be treated like afterthoughts anymore! yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah! this has gone on too long, and it's time to do something! yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah! what do you think they're talking about? they're talking about how they're gonna get us! what do you think?! that's how the world works now! you get blamed for the group you belong to, even if you didn't do nothing! what are we gonna do about him?! the girls want to see cartman punished, so we have to prove it's him! we're never gonna prove that, and you know it. we have to make him stop. he's not gonna stop! he's loving all this! he wants the girls to hurt us! -then let's end it. -what do you mean? cartman is the cause of all our problems, always. we all know what has to be done. [ suspenseful music plays ] it's not like we haven't talked about it before, fantasized about how we'd do it.

yeah, but not like we'd actually do it. clyde's right. stan, you can't be thinking -- what else do we do, kyle? you know better than anybody what a monster he is. he pushed everyone too far. it's him or us. are we seriously talking about doing this? how would we ever get away with it? we do it out in the woods. i know how to get him to go. 'sup, dudes? after school, we're gonna go to my uncle's cabin in the woods. we're gonna have a slumber party and play "counterstrike" all night with no one around to bother us. are you serious?! all night broship "counterstrike" party?! that's [bleep] sweet! does your uncle's cabin have good wi-fi? yeah, but don't tell anyone where you're going. we don't want adults to know 'cause there's gonna be a ton of junk food. bros! dude, that's so awesome! this is gonna be the best night ever!

it's better outside with ninja. cookouts are better with master grills that char, barbecue smoke, and air fry. weekends are better with life proof coolers that keep ice for days and have fridge-temperature drawers for dry foods, because everything is better without soggy sandwiches. it's better outside with ninja. there's nothing better than a subway series footlong. except when you add an all new footlong sidekick. like the philly with a new $2 footlong churro. sometimes the sidekick is the main event. you would say that. every epic footlong deserves the perfect sidekick.

norman, bad news... i never graduated efrom med school.ng what? but the good news is... xfinity mobile just got even better! now, you can automatically connect to wifi speeds up to a gig on the go. plus, buy one unlimited line and get one free for a year. i gotta get this deal... that's like $20 a month per unlimited line... i don't want to miss that. that's amazing doc. mobile savings are calling. visit xfinitymobile.com to learn more. doc?

alice loves the scent of gain so much, she wished there was a way to make it last longer. say hello to your fairy godmother alice and long-lasting gain scent beads. part of the irresistible scent collection from gain! 'member tie fighters? oh, 'member jawas? 'member? hey, 'member "jurassic park"? ooh, you loved "jurassic park"! 'member jeff goldblum? oh, i 'member jeff goldblum. he was fantastic. i love jeff goldblum. 'member? mmm... i can't do this anymore! i can't take it! oh, uh, hi, scott. nobody ever pays attention to me! nobody cares! i just want to end it all! scott, come on. we've talked about this.

you don't want to quit twitter. why not?! everyone would be happier if i did! who'd be happier? everyone! what about your parents, huh? how do you think they'd feel if you quit twitter? i don't think they'd even notice! of course they'd notice. they'd be sad, m'kay? they'd be sad. you've got so much ahead of you, scott, so many posts and tweets still ahead of you. you haven't started to see what social media has to offer you. you can't -- you can't just end it all, not now. you're right. i guess i don't want to quit twitter. there you go, m'kay? but now you come back here anytime you're having bad thoughts, m'kay? okay, thanks. twitter would be better off without me! i'm quitting! okay, okay, now, scott -- what's the point?! better to just end it all now! m'kay. [ birds and insects chirping ]

this is gonna be so awesome, just hanging with the bros, playing "counterstrike" all night alone in the woods. you pumped, token? yeah, i'm really excited. i'm totally gonna do massive pownage. whoever's on my team'll be stoked. my laptop's so fast, it doesn't lag at all. i can jump around like a pownage powerhouse. i'm sure you will. you guys all seem kind of, like, bummed out. is everything cool? everything's fine, cartman. we'll just get there sooner if maybe we don't talk much. okay, cool. we're going a long a way to play "counterstrike." guess it's sweet, though. there won't be any adults to screw it up for us. how much further now? we're almost there. this place has sweet wi-fi, right? gonna be so awesome. [ horn honks, siren wails ] oh, my god! oh, my god! oh, my god! what's wrong? someone keeps trolling our campaign site.

he just keeps leaving horrible comments, and now he's attacking me personally. aw, don't let him get to you. don't let him -- he took a picture i posted and put a dick in my mouth! who does that?! someone who probably still lives with his mother and hates himself. he obviously has nothing better to do. just let the him wallow in his own misery. [ inhales, exhales deeply ] ♪ i was lying on the grass of sunday morning of last week ♪ ♪ indulging in my self-defeat ♪ [ horn honks ] get out of the street, idiot! sorry. my bad. you've got to be an idiot to want to vote for that piece of garbage! you're brain dead! you're voting for the terrorists! are you kidding me?! he's an idiot! you're voting for the terrorists! [ bell rings ] [ laughs ] no worries. ♪ if you steal my sunshine ♪ ♪ making sure i'm not in too deep ♪ 'member the cantina? oh, i 'member! 'member the star destroyers? yeah, i loved star destroyers!

'member? i have a coupon for that, too. and those are six for $4 with this coupon. sorry. no, please. it's no problem at all. ♪ if you steal my sunshine ♪ ♪ my sunshine ♪ ♪ if you steal my sunshine ♪ ♪ my sunshine ♪ [ song stops ] i'm gonna do it. i'm gonna quit twitter. i mean it this time. oh, scott, uh, it -- it's sort of after hours, m'kay? they all laugh at me. they won't be laughing when i do it! i'll show them! [ sighs ] all right, scott. come on inside. [ mumbles ] [ birds cawing ] oh, dude, is this it? this is cool. so isolated. check it out. there's a shovel next to a hole dug in the ground. dude, is this where we're gonna play? i call dibs on this side. what's the wi-fi called? is there a password?

i don't see it. i don't see it coming up on my laptop. i don't know, i think maybe the wi-fi's not working. where's the box? you got to unplug it and plug it back in. you guys? you guys...there's... no wi-fi. the girls are gonna do something drastic to us. we have to take matters into our own hands. what are you -- what are you guys talking about? you brought this on yourself, cartman. we're sorry. oh, my god. oh, my god. you guys are gonna break all my stuff so i can't get online. just put your stuff on the table and step back. please! please, don't break my stuff, you guys! this is like two christmases and a birthday worth of stuff! you guys can't do this! please! let's just get it over with. no, don't take them from me! don't break my stuff! i'm not skankhunt! i'm not! you guys -- you guys, you don't have to do this. you don't have to do this. we can still just play "counterstrike" and forget everything. oh, my god. there's no wi-fi.

we can use my phone to make a hot spot! we can still play "counterstrike"! it will be sweet! you guys come on, please! please, you can't! i can't listen to this. please, clyde! clyde, you're my friend! please, you -- you know how much i need my stuff! let's just get it over with! no, please, if i can't get online, i won't have a life! oh, god! no! don't! don't! don't! oh, my god! oh, my god! oh, my god! oh, my god! [ screaming ] what have we done? what we had to do. [ cartman screams ] when you smell the amazing scent of gain flings... time stops. (♪♪) your heart races. (♪♪) your eyes close. (♪♪) and you realize you're in love... steve? with a laundry detergent. gain flings. seriously good scent. and 50% more fresh.

now that's love at first sniff. (coi leray & metro boomin, “enjoy yourself”) new axe black vanilla? yum! ♪ he like when i get dressed, ♪ ♪ i live life with no stress, ♪ ♪ he said that's my best flex. ♪ ♪ i hopped on a big plane, said i'm doing big things, ♪ ♪ gonna bring out the champagne...yeah. ♪ ♪ baby i'm cool, yeah, you know what to do, ♪ ♪ yeah, we got nothing to lose.♪ sfx: yacht's horn ♪ metro boomin want some more ♪ ♪ with the bosses, i just pull up in ♪ new axe black vanilla. get closer with the finest fragrances.

n[ cellphone ringing ] ugh! oh, god damn it. you have got to be kidding me. [ sighs ] this is counselor mackey. what's going on, scott? i swear to god, i'm gonna do it this time. okay, scott, just try and calm down. you don't want to quit twitter. why does it matter?! people would be happier if i just did it! that's not true. no one would be happier. this [bleep] kid. oh, my god. everybody thinks you're a great kid, scott. i talked to my dad. he said i don't have the guts to do it. well, if i quit twitter, he'd be sorry! okay, um, how about this -- just, um, promise me you won't quit twitter tonight, and we can -- we can talk all day tomorrow, okay? m'kay? i don't know if i'll make it through the night! oh, for [bleep] sake. i just feel like i'm at the edge of a cliff,

you know, and being chased by hate, and the only way out is to jump. uh-huh. m'kay. yeah, go on with that. i keep thinking about what the kids at school would do when they find out i left all my social media, like they would finally see all the damage they've done. god damn it. just do it already. [ "smokin'" playing in distance ] ♪ ...take you away ♪ ♪ whoo! ♪ ♪ get down tonight ♪ ♪ well, all right! ♪ [ music stops, chair creaks ] [ yawns ] [ computer beeps ] another internet troll is wreaking havoc on message boards, this time attacking a danish website for women with breast cancer. i made the news. the troll, who goes by the name skankhunt42... yes!

...caused the website to temporarily shut down. danish olympic gold medalist fireja ollengaurd, who started the website, spoke out about the incident. i am not shocked. i am not sad. i am not giving this pitiful person the satisfaction of being anything. this little troll can have his fun. i'm going to be the bigger person. i am going to show that people of denmark are not so easily broken down. hmm. game on, whore. game on. [ knuckles crack ] what's going on? you didn't hear? hear what? the troll, skankhunt, kyle -- he was all over the internet last night. no. that's impossible. it wasn't him, kyle!

we took cartman out for no reason. we can't undo what we've done. oh, my god. oh, my god. the time has come. we said if the trolling didn't stop, there would be severe consequences. get the word out to every girl in school. it goes down tomorrow. oh, my god. i don't know if i can go through with this. we all have to be on board, wendy. every girl in school or it means nothing. don't forget what you said, wendy. for too long, girls here have taken the back seat. things have to change. now they'll have to listen. [ sad, dramatic music playing ]

[ slo-mo ] noooooooooooooooooo!

captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪