♪ glue baby buy some glue ♪buy some ♪ just in case what you're doing... ♪hat hey, guys! - huh? huh - where'd everybody go? - the girls all wanted to go watch that bridon kid practice basketball.etbal. - but the girls like singing and dancing. - no, i think the girls just like that bridon kid,kid, no matter what he does.t ho no, we just-- no, no, wait!- we just got good at this! ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] >> jon: we are back! we did it! we are back! welcome to "the daily show!" my name is jon stewart. we've got an unbelievable program prepared for you tonight! gary clark jr. will be here! we have the smoke machine going. before we get to that, let's bring a little meaning into all of our lives! i don't know what i'm talking about. let's get to the big news today! breathless anticipation at trump tower over an important and perhaps earthshaking development in the world of former president

donald j. trump. >> celebrations are underway for former president trump after claiming he won two golf trophies at his west palm beach club. >> jon: that's right, woke libs! you think donald trump is a loser? well, would a loser brag about winning a golf tournament at his own course? i don't think so! although, obviously, trump has an advantage playing golf. it's difficult for his opponents to stay focused when they spend all that time staring at dat ass. come on. [cheers and applause] a lot of times, golfers let you grab them by the asshole. they love it if you are a celebrity. that is the worst trump impression in the history.

actually, trump, one of the few talented golfers who has a thick ass and a front butt. he has a front butt. what it does, the butt and the front butt becomes more like a big ball. the back and the front. it helps with the center of gravity. it's like being on the hippity hop. i'm kidding of course. congratulations to donald trump on winning the "trump cup." i'm talking about today's big trump legal development. >> the clock is ticking for former president donald trump. he'll need to post a nearly half a billion dollar bond in order to satisfy his new york civil fraud case judgment. otherwise, the state could begin seizing properties to pay for it. >> jon: damn! that's right. all week, we sat with breathless anticipation to see if trump had $454 million in his wallet, or

would trump tower be turned over to new york city? to perhaps ease our terrible housing crunch or more likely, do what they always do: another shitty walgreens. i think another shitty walgreens whose shelves are bare from the rogue bands of shoplifters. thanks a lot, david dinkins! is he -- i don't know -- very small percentage of the audience will understand. but the ones that do... as you can imagine, the prospect of trump being held accountable for what would be the first time had the media enthralled. >> donald trump is running out of time to find $464 million. >> the former president's legal problems may finally be catching up to him. >> could this be the beginning of the end for trump's business empire? >> it seems as though we are

getting closer. >> panic mode, i am told, is setting in. >> i think we will be writing a version of an obituary of the trump organization. >> jon: r.i.p. come of this b12 organization. it died as it lived! fraudulently. [cheers and applause] look, folks, it is very difficult to come back from an obituary. looks like it's the end of the line for donald j. trump esquire. no way he comes up with half a billion dollars by the end of the day. i've been saving this since 2016. and it's finally here. and it's finally here. [cheers and applause] judgment day! >> moments ago, the former president got a financial lifeline from a new york appeals court.

[boos] [laughter] >> jon: this isn't going to be good. >> it reduced the bond he must pay in the civil fraud case from more than $450 million to $175 million and gave him more time to pay for it. >> jon: well, that's still something! ten days to come up with $175 million. that -- i mean, unless he's about to come into a shit ton of money, i don't see how he does that. >> the recent merger of truth social could net the former president some $3 billion. >> jon: mother [bleep]! [applause]

ugh. that is new year's eve. ew. you know what, let's take a step back. what did trump actually do to earn this penalty? well, it turns out, that for a decade, whenever trump wanted to get a loan or make a deal, he would illegally inflate the value of his real estate -- for instance, suggesting his 11,000 square foot penthouse was a 30,000 square foot penthouse. i guess somehow including the sky in his calculation. we all do it. i mean, on my license, i'm not listed as 5'7," you know, i'm listed as 30,000 square feet. i mean, that's -- [laughs] thank you. and the attorney general of new york knew that trump's property values were inflated, because when it came time to pay taxes, trump undervalued the

very same properties. it was all part of a very sophisticated real estate practice known as "lying." so the judge calculated that the value he gained from the lying, with interest, was around $454 million dollars. now you might be saying to yourself, well, that sounds pretty straightforward. whatever gains you got from lying, you have to pay back. well, that's because you're a [bleep] idiot. if you knew anything about business, if you had an mba, you would know, you're a [bleep] idiot. >> this was a victimless crime. they fight an ordinance or law that has never been used ever before and anyone else. >> he's committed bank fraud where there's no victim. it makes no sense. >> there was no victim. >> there's no victim and ruling is blatantly unfair. >> that didn't go over very well with the investment community, because we're all asking each other, who's next? >> jon: ah, who's next? the persecuted minority of "the investment community." "first, they came for the

arbitragers and i said nothing, for i was not an arbitrager. and then they came for the quants, which i could be, i don't know what a quant is." but i'm surprised to hear this from kevin o'leary, a guy who's such an asshole -- wait -- that even the other people on "shark tank" think he's an asshole. [cheers and applause] i'm surprised to hear that he's so chill about overvaluing something that he thinks is victimless. because when someone tries to do that to him... >> which one of you do i absolutely tear to pieces now on a $28 million valuation? >> you think this is worth $10 million? >> absolutely. >> now i'm going to rip you to pieces. are you out of your mind? >> your valuation's insane! your valuation's crazy! >> i think that's a crazy valuation. i think your valuation is

stinky-poo-poo. [applause and laughter] >> jon: oh oh, no, you didn't! canadians are so vulgar. how is he not this mad about overvaluations in the real world? because they're not victimless crimes. first, the banks got paid back at lower interest rates. although, let's be honest, who gives a shit? but second, money isn't infinite. a loan that goes to the liar doesn't go to someone giving a more honest evaluation, so the system becomes incentivized for corruption. and this is part of a different trump fraud case, but avoiding taxes hurts all of us. donald trump's shenanigans cost the city of new york. [cheers and applause] and to be honest, let's be frank here, that is money the city of new york could have used to build more walgreens.

now, some blocks only have two of them. leave it to kevin o'leary to be unaware enough to say the quiet part out loud. >> i hear about the so-called victimless crimes, but the laws on the books, falsifications of business records and second-degree, issuing false financial statements, insurance fraud, conspiracy, and all these different aspects of it. those are actual crimes. i take it your point is that these should not have been prosecuted? >> everything you just listed off is done by every real estate developer, everywhere on earth in every city. this has never, ever been prosecuted. [audience react] [boos] >> jon: there is a theory in law that if enough people commit a crime, it automatically becomes legal. you're familiar with the purge. are you not? the [bleep] entitled arrogance. i don't know if you know this,

but most people just can't commit fraud and expect to face no repercussions, even if everyone's doing it. try getting a car loan by saying you have ten times as much money as you really do. or claim 20 dependents when you have no children. or say you make slightly less money to qualify for food assistance. i will guarantee you, there are not just financial consequences for those lies, but criminal ones. but don't tell that to the investment community. because in their minds, in pursuit of profit, there is no rule that cannot be bent, there is no principle that cannot be undercut, as long as you and your [bleep] friends make money. and the only immoral practice —-dash go [cheers and applause] hold on, i am not done. if i could raise my chair up, i would! [laughter] apparently, the only immoral practice in the capitalist system is to use that money for people who may need it.

>> fraud, waste, and abuse. people never want to be honest about, but a lot of these parents, you know, they abuse the system. a lot of them are encouraged to abuse the system. >> where do you think the money you get for food stamps, who do you think pays that money, your health care? you're taking their money and you just don't seem to care. >> the guy who walks out of the store with a bag of food. is he entitled to it because food is a necessity and he doesn't have enough of it? >> jon: you nutrition-needing mother[bleep]. bringing our system to its knees. stealing is only justified when you already have too much. ultimately, whether or not trump is a victim of selective prosecution, it's going to be a matter for the supreme court to decide. luckily, that is an institution which still holds the trust of the american people because of its integrity. >> for years, justice clarence thomas has secretly accepted luxury gifts from a gop mega donor, harlan crowe, gifts like private jet flights, luxury yacht cruises, and according to

the report, the supreme court justice never reported them on annual financial disclosures. >> jon: victimless! it is a victimless crime! [bleep] it. when we come back, gary clark jr. will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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"the daily show." my guest tonight: a grammy award-winning musician whose new album is called "jpeg raw." please welcome gary clark jr.! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> amazing! >> jon: mm! gary, i -- so you know how much i love your music and what you do. >> i have heard. >> jon: you have heard. i bother gary quite frequently, because i am such a fan of yours and because i love music, but this album, "jpeg raw," i just feel it is a masterpiece. >> thank you. >> jon: you killed it, dude. >> thank you. [cheers and applause] >> jon: it is so good. >> thank you. i felt that way but it is good

to hear somebody say that out loud. >> jon: you were just letting yourself go to every place musically, artistically that you wanted to go? >> i decided during that time -- there was no one saying, gary clark jr., the guitar player, any of that kind of stuff. i had been pushed into being this guy, who was the savior of the blues and the blues is going to be fine. it is music that has stood the test of time. [cheers and applause] >> jon: i will say this, people will always be sad. [laughter] but the other stuff, man, you hit a falsetto and i was like, i didn't even know you had that. >> well, i just grew up as a kid listening to r&b music, curtis mayfield, stevie wonder, marvin gaye, all that kind of stuff. >> jon: so stevie wonder is on this record! >> yes, he is. >> jon: which is bananas. [cheers and applause] what was it, did you reach out to see out to stevie wonder and say, hey, man, i've been a fan since i was a kid? any chance you want to jump in? >> no, he actually called me. >> jon: stevie wonder? >> stevie wonder facetimed me. [cheers and applause] >> jon: wait, stevie wonder

did what? >> stevie wonder facetimed me. >> jon: he facetimed you? >> it was pretty cool. [laughter] >> jon: i am just going to avoid that. >> yeah, yeah. >> jon: for -- what was the impetus? did he say, i love your stuff? i love it? what was the impetus? >> he called me to do a song on his record. it was "where's our love song" on the record he released in 2020. soon after that, everything was kind of going crazy, i was frustrated, there was no outlet, i wasn't out seeing people. i was just seeing my phone. then i got to record a video of me going, what the hell is going on? >> jon: in the world. >> in the world. like, what are we going to do? i was frustrated, angry, concerned. always with a sense of hope. so he facetimes me -- he always says my name really weird. he goes "garay," -- [laughter] i don't know where that comes from.

so that is my name now. >> jon: "garay"! >> he called me and said, i heard what you are saying, i see you, let's make a song about it. as a matter of fact, i have an idea. there's a song called "what about the children." he's like, i will send you a voice memo. do you want to collaborate? i'm going to say no? so he sends me the demo and i get to working on the record with my band in the studio, we go back and forth and i said, well, will you sing on it now? not only does he think on it, he plays beautiful harmonica. he plays clavinet, he hadn't played clav in, i think, 30 something years, classic stevie. >> jon: really? >> he has tapped into something that i don't think many people are able to tap into. >> jon: right. the song you are going to do for us today, "habits," what is that? >> it is real and it's raw and i hate to make everybody sad. but it is cool. >> jon: it is fantastic and it

is, you know, there is also a certain courage in saying, hey, man, and this song is 9 minutes and it is worth every minute. it is worth every second. it's a beautiful song. >> thank you. we actually chopped off a two minute intro. >> jon: i felt it was lacking something. no, it is fantastic. it is always such a pleasure to see you, man. >> likewise. thank you. you are the man. [cheers and applause] >> jon: "jpeg raw" is available now. stay tuned for a special performance after the break. performance after the break. we'll be right back after this. ♪ “don't let go” ♪ by terrace martin, mr talkbox, pj morton ♪ don't let me go ♪ ♪ no ♪ ♪ don't let me go ♪ ♪ no ♪ ♪ don't let me go ♪ ♪ no, no, no don't let me go ♪ ♪ don't let me go ♪ ♪ no don't you ever let me go ♪

♪ don't you ever let me go ♪ ♪ don't you ever let me go ♪ ♪

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>> jon: hey, welcome back to "the daily show." now to play the song "habits," please welcome back gary clark jr. [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ >> ♪ i've got habits that i just can't break ♪ ♪ when i think about it i start to shake ♪ ♪ i've been feeling like this for a while ♪ ♪ i always hide behind my crooked smile ♪ ♪ i keep running in circles chasing my tail ♪ ♪ i've lost my purpose ♪ ♪ i need some help ♪

♪ i've had good days and i've had bad ♪ ♪ i wouldn't trade it for the time that we've had ♪ ♪ white lies, oh, white lies ♪ ♪ bright smiles turn to crying eyes ♪ ♪ i keep running in circles ♪ ♪ mm ♪ ♪ chasing my tail ♪ ♪ it looks good on the surface ♪

♪ i need some help ♪ ♪ yeah ♪ ♪ cause we've only got one shot ♪ ♪ from the moment we started ♪ ♪ got to stay on lock ♪ ♪ locked on target ♪ ♪ i've got everything i need ♪ ♪ more than i wanted ♪ ♪ but it means nothing when you're gone ♪ ♪ gone ♪ ♪ gone, yeah ♪ ♪ but it means nothing when you're gone ♪ ♪ gone, yeah ♪ ♪ i know nothing is for sure ♪

♪ i know nothing is for sure ♪ ♪ i, i know nothing is for sure ♪ ♪ i, i know nothing is for sure ♪ ♪ i've got habits that i just can't break ♪ [cheers and applause] thank you so much.

♪♪ ♪every road, that's wrong♪ ♪seems like the road, i'm on♪ ♪every sign just seems♪ ♪unclear♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪ and i,♪ ♪i wish i was here♪ kia. movement that inspires. who is he? kia. there's a mover here. just some crazy kid from nakuta. make them remember your name. it's time to remember, who you are. only god can forgive you now.

password? the corners pop at night. ♪♪ popcorners. heard that the cats meow? of course, it's because they're popped, not fried. ♪♪ knock yourself out. delicious. [whistles] sfx: [police siren] what is he wearing? bro, i said dress like a cop busting a speakeasy. i thought you told me it was a sleep-easy. and that made sense to you? sfx: [crunch] don't answer that. [cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show for tonight! but before we go, let's check in with your host for the rest of the week, mr. jordan klepper! hey! [cheers and applause] >> hey. >> jon: tell me that is, what are you going to be talking about this week? >> well, jon, it'll be a bittersweet week as it will be

my last week at the show -- >> jon: what? >> before transitioning to my new job. you're looking at the next ceo of boeing! [cheers and applause] [laughs] >> jon: i don't mean this to disparage. do you have any experience in aeronautics? or business? or anything? >> uh, no. >> jon: okay, okay. >> but i brought this wrench to the interview and they were like, "oh, my god, you have exactly what we've been looking for!" [applause] >> jon: can't be worse than what they had. jordan klepper all this week. here it is, your "moment of zen." >> none of this would be happening if donald trump wasn't running for president. they've issued 91 indictment against donald trump. charles manson faced ten. ♪ ♪

♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪

keeps has given me the control of my hair back. seeing the progress was awesome, seeing my hair grow back so quick. i feel great, i feel confident. i feel very happy about my journey so far with keeps and where it's going in the future. get started at keeps.com/tv. [ cheers and applause ] we are back again with the brave olympic gold medalist from denmark, freja ollengaurd. freja, you've talked about being trolled on the internet and its consequences. -[ danish accent ] yes, heidi. i believe trolling has a tragic effect on innocent people. you have been the victim of horrific, degrading attacks spearheaded by a troll called skankhunt42. nice. i've tried to just ignore the trolls, but that only seems to make them attack me more. it must be so awful for you to

create a website for women like yourself who are breast cancer survivors, and these monsters get on and somehow make light of it, even going as far as ridiculing mastectomies. yes, it's very disgusting, but i still try very hard to believe in the goodness of humanity. [ cheers and applause ] well, i can tell you that the support for you on our website has been overwhelming. we'd like to share some comments we've received, many from doctors who believe your website is saving lives. the first is a comment from a physician in spain. "you go girl. you're doing great things. don't let trolling stop you." and that is from dr. juerdo titsgo in spain. [ laughing ] he shoots, he scores! and there's this one -- "believe in yourself and don't listen to the haters. you're an inspiration." that's from hungarian physician dr. courtsier boobsoff. [ audience gasps ] [ laughs ] from the three-point line! i'm sorry. am i missing something? [ doorbell rings ]

oh! police! yes? hello, sir. we're conducting an investigation. uh...regarding? uh, regarding what? do you happen to know this child? oh. sure. that's one of my son's friends. well, i'm afraid he's quit twitter. oh. another one, huh? yeah, but this one's different. the events surrounding his quitting twitter were very suspicious. most people that quit twitter leave at least three paragraphs stating that they're quitting twitter before they quit twitter. this child just stopped using it. kyle! we're simply trying to gather information on whether was a twitter suicide or twitter homicide. kyle, have you seen your friend eric online? no. uh, he quit. do you happen to know why, son? he probably got fed up with all the negativity and decided to end it. i don't know. without tweeting a goodbye? people don't just quit social media. they post long, drawn-out messages on social media explaining why they're leaving social media. look, officers, why don't you just go ask him why he quit twitter?

at where, sir? at where? okay, that was the cops. the cops were here. cops? for what? you know for what! you know what we did to cartman! -we did what we had to do. -but we were wrong! it's not the police we have to worry about. it's eric. he's gonna get us. [ stammering ] fellas, we all just have to stay cool, okay? it doesn't matter. he's coming. he's gonna get us. ♪♪ stan. you can't just stay in your room all day. what happened, dad? everything's upside-down. everyone's taking sides and splitting into groups. everything sucks. yeah, everything sucks.

everyone's divided. nobody's getting along. and there's people like your mother who are thinking about voting for a douche 'cause she doesn't have a brain! sharon: go to hell, randy! i don't know what's wrong with people in this town. more and more are agreeing with your mother. i tried getting on community message boards and swaying people's minds, but it always ends up with some asshole talking about vaginas and photoshopping a dick in my mouth. that's where we're at today. everything sucks. here's everything to prepare you for the debates, ma'am. just try and stay focused no matter what your opponent says. don't let him rattle you. he's gonna do whatever he can to try and mess with your head. don't buy into it. whatever he says, just respond with "my opponent is a liar and he cannot be trusted." got it. decision 2016 -- the first presidential debate with moderator lester holt. okay, let's get right into it.

our first question is for you, sir. how will you deal with ground troops in syria? everyone, i need to just speak from the heart here. uh, i don't know what the [bleep] i'm doing. i've got to come clean. i-i had no idea i would get this far, but the fact of the matter is, i should not be president. okay? i will [bleep] this country up beyond repair. i am a sick, angry little man. please, if you care at all about the future of our country, vote for her, okay? she's the one who at least has some experience. she's -- she's not as bad as you think. i promise. and unlike me, she's actually capable of running this country. my opponent is a liar and he cannot be trusted. -no! -oh, my god. she is such a turd sandwich. what he is saying is simply not true. do not believe it. i am giving you this, lady! i am giving you this! what the [bleep] are you doing? okay, look. look. just vote for her.

she -- she knows politics. she really wants to put this country first. -my opponent is a liar -- -would you just please shut up? -and he cannot be -- -get out of your own way! cannot be trusted. [ sighs ] okay, okay. look. she doesn't mean what she's saying. she just doesn't know how to take this because it's very weird and her advisors probably -- my opponent is a liar and cannot be trusted. [bleep] oh, [bleep] why the [bleep] did it have to be her? i am so [bleep] all right, boys. i've had just about enough of playing games. the four of you were good friends with eric cartman, and yet none of you seem to know why he left social media. nobody's got anything to say? well, i have a theory. i think that eric cartman was somehow forced to leave social media as a retaliation for heidi turner quitting social media! now, because of the actions of one sexist, bigoted, racist troll... aah! ...we have a gender war on our hands. make no mistake, gentlemen. our community is under attack.

and if we don't get to the bottom of it, there's gonna be more students like eric cartman wandering the hallways with no connection to the rest of the world. ♪♪ heidi: [ whispering ] eric. heidi? heidi turner? come with me. where? join us. here. the park? i know how you feel, eric. i know how hard it is when school gets out. with no phone. no human contact. i m-miss my stuff! [ cries ] come on. there are others like us here.

look at them, martha. do you see them? what are they? lost souls who have quit twitter. damned to just wander the earth and hang out and stuff. they seem so lonely. [ indistinct talking ] okay. what the [bleep] is wrong with you people?! i just saw a new poll that says more and more of you are thinking about voting for that douche! some of us are. a lot of people like what he has to say, all right? you're telling me that after that debate, you still want to vote for that guy? more than ever. yep. did you see the same debates i saw? don't you get it, randy? there's people in this country who are sick and tired. tired of hearing all the rhetoric. tired of washington failing us while they pat their own backs. finally, someone comes along who says what he feels.

that's why people like him. because, say what you want, at least he doesn't sound like another politician. [ cheers and applause ] america, please listen to me. i have no idea how to be president. i am a complete jackass and i have made a giant mistake here. [ cheering continues ] no, no, no, no. no, no, no, no. why are you clapping? i am not a good person for the white house. i am not a good person period! finally, someone who doesn't talk like a politician! i am peeing my pants at the thought of being president, okay? [ cheers and applause ] no, shut up! listen to me! you don't want a guy like me in the white house! you don't even want to know the shit i've done. whoo-hoo! i have scissored with another woman when i had a sex change! [ cheers and applause ] -he's so honest! no, no! i'm not the guy you want going to russia to negotiate with putin! i'll probably end up getting drunk

and trying to suck his dick! [ cheers and applause ] oh, geez! norman, bad news... i never graduated from med school. what? but the good news is... xfinity mobile just got even better! now, you can automatically connect to wifi speeds up to a gig on the go. plus, buy one unlimited line and get one free for a year. i gotta get this deal... that's like $20 a month per unlimited line... i don't want to miss that. that's amazing doc.

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it's gonna be great. with mccormick by your side for over 130 years, it's gonna be great. ike, got a minute? let's talk, buddy. you know, the school really wants us to keep talking to our kids about trolling on the internet and how serious it is. i guess the troll from the school message boards is now harassing a famous olympic athlete from denmark. have you seen this? have you heard about this? yeah, well, she kind of called him out and said he could never get her to quit social media, and you know, you might say she's asking for it. but, uh, now this troll is being copied by other trolls who are all dog-piling to see if they can get her to quit, and, well, god only knows what they're gonna do tonight. well, see ya, pal. you be sure to let your mom know we talked more about the horrific consequences of trolling.

i want to tell you that i'm sorry. for what? when women first started getting trolled on the school message boards, i was sure it was you. i was wrong. you weren't the only one. i guess i didn't deserve a second chance. i really tried to make changes. i really tried to become a better person. to show that i was trying to listen. so, when you held the assembly that women were just as funny as men, you -- you weren't being sarcastic? women are funny, heidi. get over it. every time amy schumer talks about her vagina, i lose my [bleep] mind. do you miss your friends? i don't have any friends. i don't know if i ever did. you do now. cool.

hello, florida. please put your hands together and welcome the next president of the united states! [ rock music plays ] [ cheers and applause ] i hate all of you so much. man: yeah! i seriously hold so much contempt for each and every one of you pieces of shit. [ cheers and applause ] if you vote me in as president, i'll seriously throw up and have lost all faith in humanity. [ cheers and applause ] i agree! i don't want to be here. please just let me go. i don't know what i'm doing. i don't know anything. i'm scared. i'm completely clueless how to proceed. i just...spew bullshit and cry myself to sleep at night. stop thinking that i'm anything more

than a douche in over his head. for [bleep] sake, please. shit, i'm starting to really like this guy. reporter: and after stating that he was not fit to be president, secretary clinton responded with "my opponent is a liar and cannot be trusted." i am so confused. in other news tonight, danish gold medalist freja ollengaurd is the apparent victim of extreme trolling once again. oh, hey. could you turn that up? the athlete from denmark has been the target of relentless online attacks that began with the troll skankhunt42. last night, the trolling took a vicious turn when freja ollengaurd finally succumbed to the pressure and committed suicide. paul, danish women's volleyball champion freja ollengaurd has been pronounced dead outside her apartment in copenhagen. the four-time gold medal winner took her own life after jumping 17 floors from the balcony of her building. [ screams ]

freja ollengaurd, dead at the age of 38. oh, my god. oh, shit. oh, shit! oh, my god! oh, god! oh, noooo! [ doorbell rings ] i was wrong, stephen. i'm voting for your guy. what? it's just -- i see what you mean. he talks like an ordinary person. and he has a lot of the same emotions i do, you know? he's got my vote. are you out of your [bleep] mind? what?! you want to vote for that douche?! he'll ruin this country. you were just voting for him yesterday! yeah, but not anymore. what happened? i don't know. what the hell is wrong with people?! you don't just flip back and forth like that! you just did. i did. what's going on, stephen? why does everything suck this hard? i don't know.

nobody knows what to think anymore. but how did we get here -- completely confused and with shit for choices? it's like -- it's like there are other forces at work. i'm just tired of thinking about it. come on. let's relax and have some memberberry pie. memberberry pie? okay. i love memberberries. -member tatooine? -member the torture droid? -i member! -ay, member "goonies"? -i loved "goonies"! -member chunk? -member? -member the trash compactor? oh, the trash compactor! wait a minute. troll hunter: [ danish accent ] citizens of denmark, we are under attack. as our ancestors did in days long ago,

we must rise to defend our families. a troll has come into our village and taken from us a beloved princess. he then returned to his secret hiding place, crawled back to his little cave, thinking the danes would simply cry and run. no. what this troll doesn't realize is that we have been planning our own attack. i am announcing here and to the world that a plan to destroy the troll is underway. for in denmark, there is one thing we have known for centuries -- to get a troll to come out of hiding, you must say its name.

“i did just pay 60% less for my ticket with the gametime app.” “it's the best place to get last-minute deals on tickets.” “i guess i'm just a better fan than you.” “(crowd cheering) i've got to get the gametime app.” “download the gametime app and use promo code viva to get $20 off your first purchase.”

“download the gametime app and use promo code viva hey. hey. i was thinking again... about how women are just as funny as men.

and then i realized that the only way to really be sure is to see if african-americans think they're funny. why is that? because black laughs matter. is that a joke? yes, it is. i don't get it. yes, you do. heidi, does it ever get any easier, living in this world? the hardest part is not having any followers. i used to go places just to show them where i was. you want to go somewhere? i'll follow you. [ brakes squeak ] mornin'. how can i help ya? yeah, i had some questions about, uh, memberberries. yeah. everyone wants memberberries these days. right over here.

don't know what makes them so popular. i've had to get rid of all my pumpkins, my onions, my peppers just to make room for more memberberries. [ indistinct talking ] oh, my god. there's this many? [ talking continues ] oh, god! oh, god! oh, god! oh, god! oh, god! protocol zero. no evidence. clear history, e-mails, delete, delete, delete, delete. erase, erase, trash, trash. [ engine starts ]

[ engine revs ] [ tires squeal ] [ computer beeps ] [ tires squeal ] [ car trunk closes ] [ grunts ] i saw nancy morris today. she has a different hair color. again. i swear she doesn't think anyone even notices. her natural hair color must be clear. our computer's broke. what? it broke, and i had to throw it away. i thought if a computer isn't working, you try and get it fixed. no, now you just throw it away. you had all my recipes on that filemaker program on your computer. i'll get us a new computer tomorrow. then i can see if we can pull your recipes up from ike's computer, and that way they -- ike's computer! shit! move, move, move!

my computer is off the network, and -- and this computer didn't mirror that computer. but they did have the same time machine schedule, so then would any of my files be accessible? no, because they didn't know each other's ip addresses. what if you can access my e-mail account from this computer through icloud? if i go to icloud, my e-mails are deleted. good. except there's a new e-mail. that shouldn't have come in. why would an e-mail to me have come in if i deleted everything? [ beeps ] "i know who you are." you? do you know who i am? do you know who i am, ike?! no. but i want to, dad. not like that, smartass! delete. delete the account, not the e-mails. [ beeps ] "meet me under the freemont bridge, 9:00 a.m. tomorrow." oh, god. you dip your french fries in a sweet-and-sour sauce? yeah, it's the best, dude. try it.