(normal voice) it was a fun day. so, i won. i know. you get to pick. well, that's actually what i came to talk to you about. i know how much you want to watch "wall-e." yes? so i got as a compromise. this movie is called "hardware." it tells the story of a killer combat robot, just like "wall-e," that the government invented to destroy humans. it's some of what you like and some of what i like. and-- marry-- hey, uh, i heard you talking about movies before. and-- anyway, i just watched this over the weekend. i thought you'd really like it. there's a "shrek 2?" oh yeah. see ya tomorrow. nice guy. ooh. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, desi lydic! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> desi: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm desi lydic. we've got so much good news for you tonight. women's sports are now the best sports, michael kosta tries to get out of a speeding ticket, and donald trump has found an entirely new way to lose money. so let's get into headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's kick things off with some news from the business world. last week, donald trump's social media platform truth social went public with a value of $8 billion. mm-hmm. which seemed like a lot for a website whose business model is "what if twitter was just nazis?" and guess what? turns out it was! >> tonight, stock in donald trump's media company tanking after trump's

social media platform, truth social, reported losing $58 million last year. [cheers and applause] the company was valued at nearly $10 billion after it went public last week as trump supporters rushed to scoop up shares. >> truth social is doing very well. it's hot as a pistol and doing great. >> but today, that rude awakening. the revelation of last year's losses sent the stock plunging more than 20%, and the value of trump's own stake losing more than a billion dollars. [cheers and applause] >> desi: yeah, trump, you lost a billion dollars yesterday! now you're only worth $6 billion, ya broke bitch! [uncomfortable laugh] we got him! finally! now there's a bit of a disagreement over why the stock dropped so much. analysts say it's because of huge losses and limited market upside, while trump advisers argue it's because of "woke gay trans dei hunter biden's laptop." so who's to say? at this point, it just seems like trump is trying to be in

every section of the newspaper. finance. politics. style. city crime. it's only a matter of time until he drops a theater review. "just saw "wicked." total witch hunt!" let's move on to the fight over yeah, you can clap for that. [cheers and applause] oh, trump. let's move on to the fight over abortion rights, where today florida handed us a mixed bag. >> now to florida, where the state supreme court just issued two major rulings on abortion rights. >> two major decisions. the florida state supreme court has now cleared the way for one of the strictest abortion bans in the nation to go into effect. it bans abortion at just six weeks into pregnancy. but at the same time, that same state supreme court also allowing this issue to be on the ballot in november, allowing florida voters to decide whether they want to protect access to abortion up until viability, which is considered to be around

24 weeks into pregnancy. >> desi: florida, what is going on here? you're restricting abortion but you're also putting it on the ballot? pick a lane! these are some crazy mood swings. you better hope you're not pregnant. look, a six-week abortion ban is obviously a terrible setback for women's rights. but there is a small glimmer of hope in that the voters also have a chance to legalize abortion again. which is good news, and also depressing to be celebrating that as good news. but in this climate, i guess that's where we're at right now. i don't know whether i'm happy or not. i feel like ron desantis's face. [cheers and applause] but hey, at least abortion is on the ballot. finally, the people of florida will be able to choose something besides "community service or

jail time." and that is something. that is something. let's move on to sports. we're in the final stretch of march madness, that special time of year that turns every office into an underground gambling ring. and last night, all eyes were on a rematch between two of the biggest stars in the tournament. >> in goat fashion, caitlin clark led iowa over defending champions lsu in a rematch of last year's final. >> for anyone who questioned her greatness, caitlin clark had the answer. 41 points, nine threes, 12 assists. a record-breaking masterpiece that lived up to the hype of a rematch in an epic battle of greats. >> clark steps back, fires. you bet! oh, my, from schenectady! she's simply ridiculous. she's possessed! >> desi: this poor announcer. caitlin clark hit so many big shots that the guy was clearly

running out of things to say. "she's ridiculous! she's possessed! she's... a witch, drown her! i don't know!" but honestly, what an awesome rivalry. caitlin clark and angel reese: two fierce competitors, playing their hearts out, captivating the nation while they're still in college! my biggest accomplishment in college was getting a single dorm because of my ibs. hey, if there was a sock on the door, it was an especially bad night. point is, it feels like women's basketball is having a moment this year, and you can tell by how much the media can't stop talking about how they're talking about it. >> what a great thing for women's sports that we care. >> we're talking about it tonight on cnn, because people are caring and ultimately that is good. we care. >> the fact that we're talking about women's basketball and

women's sports in general, i mean, this is really great. >> i freaking love it. >> it's really great. >> i have done this for 32 years and i have never once spent five minutes of any show i've ever done anywhere talking about a great women's game last night at any level. >> desi: huh, that might say more about you, but we'll take the win! we'll take it. that's right, people are excited about women's basketball right now. they're discovering it like it's the first time your mom tried sushi. "oh, my god, have you heard about this? spread the word!" but everyone is raving. everyone. even shaquille o'neal said women's basketball this year is a better game than men's basketball. [cheers and applause] and he's, like, the most famous men's basketball player! that's like chef boyardee telling you he only eats spaghettios now.

spaghettios: the official food of clinical depression. [cheers and applause] spaghettios: want to hurt an italian person's feelings? try spaghettios. [cheers and applause] spaghettios: you don't have to love your kids. [cheers and applause] anyway, think about how far women's basketball has come. ten years ago, if you went to a bar on a monday night to watch women's basketball, it was because you were an alcoholic. but today, if you're at a bar on a monday night, it's because you're an alcoholic who also wants to watch women's basketball! that is progress! so this has been a hugely successful college tournament for the women, even despite some obstacles.

>> in the women's tournament, controversy is brewing after four games were played on a court in portland, oregon, where the three-point line was about six inches closer to the hoop. the error was discovered before north carolina played texas in the elite eight. both teams coaches decided to go ahead with the game to not delay the tournament. >> desi: okay, i really relate to this as a woman. it is so classic for someone else to [bleep] up and we're like, "oh, the line is messed up? it's fine. we'll just go ahead and play four games. you can fix it later! or not, whatever! i'm sorry!" [applause] but what exactly happened with the three-point line? to get more on this, we go live to josh johnson at the arena. [cheers and applause] josh, what happened down there?

the line was several inches too short. that's a huge error. >> well, desi, i talked to the director of court maintenance who made the mistake, as well as several other men who were just around, and we all agree, your length being a few inches shorter than everyone was expecting is no big deal. no story here. back to you. [laughter and applause] >> desi: wait, wait. that's not true. having the line be that short makes an enormous difference. >> "enormous" is a little mean. plus, it's not about the length of the line. it's about how you play the game. okay? and i think we can all agree, it was a pretty good game. it was good for me. i enjoyed it. as far as the difference, the women didn't even notice. >> desi: josh, even if the women said they didn't notice,

trust me, they always notice. [cheers and applause] >> okay, but let's give this line guy a break. because when i talked to him, he swore this had never happened before. and we don't even know why it was too short. maybe it was his first time. maybe he had been drinking. all right? maybe the arena was cold. >> desi: sorry, how does being cold make a difference? >> it just does! okay? you know, if you make him >> desi: wow. you seem pretty worked up about this. why don't we move past the length of the line? >> thank you -- mack >> desi: let's talk about the curve, cause the curve was weird. >> aight, desi, i'm out. this is why i only play basketball by myself. >> desi: josh! josh, wait! what did i say? josh johnson, everybody. [cheers and applause] when we come back, we'll discover the hero that new york doesn't want but needs. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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mixed with morita peppers, a splash of pineapple and fresh lime. it's where fire meets flavor. chipotle's chicken al pastor, the wait is over. with so many choices on booking.com there are so many tina feys i could be. so i hired body doubles. 30,000 followers tina in a boutique hotel. or 30,000 steps tina in a mountain cabin. ooh! booking.com booking.yeah [cheers and applause] >> desi: welcome back to "the daily show." last week, new york city introduced the first congestion pricing plan in the country. and there's one local who's set on making sure new yorkers pay their fines. our own michael kosta caught up

with him in another installment of "thank me later." >> hi. i am michael kosta. license plates, they help track traffic violators, but what happens when shifty citizens purposely cover them up? >> sorry. >> tonight, on "thank me later," we will meet o one man who is dedicated his life to make sure new yorkers are held accountable for traffic violations. i want to bike along with this snitchilante to investigate and you can "thank me later." >> communities cheated out of improvements to roads, bridges, and other infrastructure because people covering up their license plates. speak up when i go through the camera system, we can't pick it up. >> officials say these flaws because the city more than $100 million every year. >> that's right. some new york drivers have started obscuring their plates by partially covering them. these are called ghost plates. and one man is taking it upon himself to bust these ghosts.

plates. >> still on the criminal mischief beat. i will dedicate today to illegal cover license plates. we've got a guy with a plaque and i will show you that in a minute and a cover. the what even incentivized to those new york freak to make this his life's mission? i caught him in one of the hottest zones for ghost plates, lower manhattan. the issue is, if you are driving around and you are speeding, and you are doing it with a covered plate, you are never going to get the ticket and you'll never going to realize how badly you are driving. i want to make sure the person gets all the tickets to which he is entitled. >> desi: what do you say to your critics who say, he's a sn? -- >> he's a loser? he doesn't have a life, a hobby, a family, a job? he doesn't have friends or a social life? what do you say to those people? >> i'm not trying to get people to get spared what i'm trying to do a show the people who are trying to get people tickets that their system is broken. >> we are in new york city, there's cops everywhere. why are the police officers

cracking down on these ghost plates? >> the vast majority the people i have caught are covering their plates are cops or firefighters or officers. one of them, for the last three months, i would say about 70 of them for law enforcement officials. the very people who shouldn't be breaking the law are finding a way to break the law by defacing their plate and then break the law by then speeding. >> we are getting more cops tickets for speeding. that is [bleep] awesome. [cheers and applause] >> the goal is not to be in asshole. the goal is to be a little bit of an asshole. >> when does it end? and does that mean you were in a ditch somewhere with a couple nypd bullets in your chest? not that i want that. >> i mean, it will make a great story. >> actually see two heroes here. >> yeah? >> i see you -- >> thank you. >> who is putting your life on the line. >> more or less. >> facing law enforcement. i see another hero here. that is me. because i found you and i am sharing your story with others. >> that's exactly right.

>> you can "thank me later." >> i will thank you right now. >> that's not what the segment is called. >> he took me on a bike along through lower manhattan to catch some ghost plates in action. after over a minute of biking, we found our first offender. >> this is a great one. is this normal wear and tear? the answer is obviously no. in a situation like this, regardless of where we are, we are literally within inches of a police officer -- >> i mean, i am nervous right now. >> you are nervous? why? >> we are in a private cop lot. >> this is so defaced. i couldn't resist! i want him to get all the tickets he deserves so i got my paint pen and we're just going to fill this in for him and just as a courtesy to the officer -- because we are in police barking -- i will also do the new york. >> the plate cover is illegal. you can see it but if you are a speed camera, which shoots it this angle at night, these covers are illegal for that reason. i will probably just pull up my screwdriver and do what i do best. >> okay. >> i take the illegal cover and i believe that on the front of

the car. >> just show you are not stealing it. >> i don't steal anything. then we more or less get out of here. >> we more or less get out of here. this is now the third time i have caught this guy. >> are you serious? >> same cop. >> you been here before? >> twice. >> the fact that he had scraped this off means i have to do more work. >> there is such an important part of being a pest. >> yeah. >> and ways to actually get shit down and to get people to respond to you, you have to be [bleep] annoying. >> but have an asshole. >> this is the third time you got this car and you are being [bleep] annoying. >> after a grueling day of catching ghost plates and meeting fans -- >> all right, ladies, see you later. look me up. i am ronny chieng. >> i had to recognize all the great work he was doing for the new york community. >> has anybody ever given you a thank you card, a trophy, a plaque, a certificate for the public service you are doing? >> that will be ridiculous. no one has done that. >> that is going to change at.

>> about? >> because on behalf of "the daily show," we got to your ghost plate. i see you, gersh. that's amazing. >> to my favorite ghost plate killer, when it comes to busting ghost plates, who are you going to call? gersh. wow. >> think, gersh, for being the annoying snitch new york city needs to keep its streets safe. and you can "thank me later." ♪ ♪ >> desi: thank you, michael. when we come back, representative colin allred will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> desi: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight represents texas' 32nd district and is running for the senate against america's sweetheart ted cruz. please welcome representative colin allred! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> desi: how are you doing? >> i'm doing well, how are you? >> desi: i'm doing great. welcome to the show. >> yeah, this is great. a little different than what i usually do. >> desi: yeah, they are fun, right? >> you guys are a little better than the house right now. >> desi: just slightly. i mean, that's not saying a lot. that's keeping the bar pretty low. you have such an interesting resume. you are a former nfl player -- [cheers and applause] yeah.

civil rights attorney. [cheers and applause] congressman. and now currently running against ted cruz. [cheers and applause] >> that's right. >> desi: you have said before that you don't -- texas doesn't have to be embarrassed by their senator. what is the most embarrassing thing about ted cruz? is it that he fled to cancun while texans were in the dark and cold? or that time that he didn't feel the booger on his lip for so long? burned in my memory. >> there's the antics, right? there's the reading "green eggs and ham" on the senate floor while you're trying to take health care away from 40 million people. there's stuff like that. there's the fact that he podcasts three times a week. which is a lot. >> desi: yeah, that is a lot. >> for a sitting united states senator. you know, when you have that rollie bag when he was coming back from cancun. >> desi: oh, yes. >> it is frustrating going

through the rope lines at any time but when you are going it alone to explain why you abandon your state during a crisis, that is really embarrassing. [cheers and applause] >> desi: could not agree more. texas was one of the first states to criminalize abortion. what would be your plans to protect and restore women's reproductive rights? >> my wife and i, we had two boys in dallas in the last five years. i went to every ultrasound appointment, every genetic testing. those rooms, when you're having those conversations with your doctor, they are too small to have somebody like ted cruz in there with you. [cheers and applause] what's happening in texas is really, it is a tragedy. we've had 26,000 women who have had to give birth to their rapist's child since the laws have gone into place. we have stories of kate cox, a mother of two who had a pregnancy, she had to go to the emergency room four times. her doctor said she did a

medically necessary abortion, she asked her state, i have a one and a 3-year-old at home. they said, no. they didn't just say no. if you do this, we will prosecute you, your doctor, your hospital. we have counties saying you can't drive through the county, if you use the roads to access an abortion. that doesn't sound like freedom to me. i know one thing about as texans is that we believe in freedom. [cheers and applause] for me, the only way we can restore this right to texas women and families is at the federal level by codifying roe v. wade. [cheers and applause] >> desi: voter turnout is going to be critical for you to flip the seat. it's been estimated that 9.5 million registered voters didn't vote in the last election. how will you encourage texans to get out and vote and does it rhyme with "schmashmortion"? >> as you mentioned, i was a

civil rights lawyer, but i was a voting rights lawyer specifically before i ran for congress. to me, there is nothing more important to getting texans and fellow americans involved in democracy. in texas, we make it way too difficult to vote. i want folks to know, there's a reason why they're trying to make it harder. why are they trying to take your voice away? why are they trying so hard to make it difficult for you to be engaged? don't let them do it. right? to our young people, one of those things where you would not let your grandparents pick your playlist for the next six years. don't let them pick your senator, right? [cheers and applause] >> desi: that is such a great way to put it. yes. >> i think it is also true that we have to talk about what's at stake. to me, in texas, what is at stake is our fundamental freedoms. they've taken away women's right to choose, the ability to make your own decisions about your body, they are banning books, kicking kids out of school because of their hairstyle. to me, this is fundamentally about who we are as texans and as americans and we have to restore freedom in texas and across this country. i think folks are going to come out and stand up for that.

[cheers and applause] >> desi: i so appreciate the work you do and i so appreciate you being on the show tonight. i wish you the best of luck. >> thanks. >> desi: representative colin allred, thank you. [cheers and applause] we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

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♪ don't let me go ♪ ♪ no don't you ever let me go ♪ ♪ don't you ever let me go ♪ ♪ don't you ever let me go ♪ ♪ >> desi: that's our show for tonight. now here it is. your "moment of zen." >> trading under the symbol djt, what makes it hard to find on the internet because every time you put dollar sign djt in, you do get dow jones transportation, so just remember that. [laughs] you might be coming up as dow jones transportation index for me today and i was like, what the hell is this? what the hell is this? 15,000, that is pretty goo ♪♪ les: ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ les: ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪

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