(yelling) aah! aah! welcome to the club, pig! ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! no, dwight! ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! aah! no, it does matter who ends up sitting next to pam when i'm gone. people around you are basically who you end up spending your life with. i mean, because of where my desk was, i spent all those years looking at pam. and i fell in love. so that stuff matters, definitely does. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> jon: hello! welcome to hello, everybody! "the daily show!' my name is jon stewart. we've got an unbelievable show tonight. christiane amanpour will be joining us. she's fabulous. [cheers and applause] but first, the big news today: the world ended! i think? are we still on? i don't know. there was an eclipse! it happened! the sun and the moon did the thing everyone's been saying they were gonna do for centuries! the path got totalitied! and now both planets will go back to years of ignoring each other, before they inevitably

hook up again. textbook toxic relationship. but not everyone was happy about today's celestial seasonings. for danger lurks! >> fox news alert. a rare celestial event collides with a policy failure on the ground. the southern border will be directly in the path of totality today when the moon covers the sun for nearly 4 minutes. >> we're told officials are bracing for higher traffic than usual. that means a real opportunity for smugglers and cartels and migrants to come right in. >> jon: or they just wait til nighttime. [cheers and applause] the eclipse, 4 minutes. is there nothing fox can't tie to immigration? "this year's cicada infestation provides perfect cover for venezuelans!"

of course, if you combine the dangers of today's eclipse with friday's seismic activity in the northeast, well, a more troubling picture emerges. >> republican congresswoman marjorie taylor greene tweeted that the earthquake and monday's solar eclipse are signs from god that americans need to repent. >> jon: how do you know? how would you know that that is what god meant? and why would god be so obtuse? why would he do that? or she! why would she -- or how crazy would it be if god insisted on they/them? [applause] but honestly, is this shit really how god works? "i must let man know to repent their wickedness!"

"how, lord?" "well, i don't know, dim the lights for, like, four minutes, in a very specific path!" "and?" god, what else?" "give new jersey a little shake!" "enough to render the buildings to rubble and to bring people to their knees in repentance and atonement?" "eh, just give it a little" jersey... just a little noogie... jersey... [laughs] but divine messaging aside, it was the biggest story of the weekend. for more on the eclipse, we have full team coverage. let's go live to ronny chieng in kerrville, texas, and grace kuhlenschmidt at niagara falls. [cheers and applause] what a day! what a spectacular day! grace, what's the mood out they are in niagara falls? >> it's eclipse day! the sky was dark, but the moods were bright.

because this event was out of this world! jon? >> jon: oh, fantastic. oh, grace, that is fantastic. ronny? >> thanks, jon. the eclipse was fine. but too bad they don't make a special kind of glasses that would allow us to truly look directly at the horrors that are occurring around the world, especially in gaza. >> jon: that's very true, ronny. very true. those were powerful words. grace? >> oh... ga -- gaza... it's terrible. not terrible was the krispy kreme special edition solar eclipse doughnut i had earlier. [applause] it was in the path of taste-ality.

it was -- it was really good. >> is that a tambourine? >> no, no! well, technically it is. i was gonna do an eclipse dance, but it doesn't seem appropriate. >> jon: i'd really like to see the dance. [cheers and applause] >> yeah, do the dance. [playing tambourine] >> ♪ moon rise ♪ ♪ in the day-time ♪ ♪ block out the sun ♪ ♪ it's so fun! ♪ ♪ family and friends ♪ ♪ the joy never ends! ♪ [playing tambourine] [cheers and applause]

>> you know, that dance reminds me of the moral dance we all do everyday to hide our complicity in the world's atrocities. >> and i hope that was clear in my dance. >> jon: thank you, both, very much. grace and ronny, everyone. well done. [cheers and applause] but the other big milestone from the eclipse is, as ronny mentioned, the war in gaza is now six months old. time for a wellness check. but as the war has grinded on, justice is beginning to seem more like cruelty. but not to worry, america, the shining city on a hill is on the case with our universal values. >> in the great battle for freedom between a rules-based order and one governed by brute force, in this battle, we need to be clear-eyed. >> jon: and just to clarify, we're the freedom folks, the rules people, not the brute force ones.

i think we all know who the brute force ones are in this case, vladimir! and know that america will call you out when you violate the basic tenets of humanity. >> weaponizing food, using it as a tool, as a weapon in its war against ukraine it's unconscionable. it should not happen. >> jon: it's unconscionable. weaponizing food in ukraine is not kosher, nor halal! sorry if i'm both sidesing this. speaking of which, there is a literal famine in gaza caused by the war. i assume america will also consider this unconscionable? >> absolutely, we're concerned about that. no question about it. >> jon: well, you can't spell "unconscionable" without "concern." or at least part of it, you can reuse the "c-o-n". you get the point. how about the free press? ordinarily, we are strongly in favor of free press. >> we also condemn the russian

government's continued targeting and repression of journalists. >> jon: you hear that, russia? we condemn in no uncertain terms any repression of a free press! i think you all know what's coming next. more journalists have been killed in gaza in six months than anywhere else in the world and a new israeli law says they can ban media outlets they consider a threat. >> so as it relates to al jazeera, specifically, we've seen the reports, if it is true, a move like this is concerning. >> jon: oh, we're concerned again? how about, "if it's true, we condemn it"? and by the way, is it true? feels like you can probably just call someone and be like, "is this true?" and if they're like, "yes," you can be like, "that's concerning! not condemning, but concerning." well, you know what, perhaps those are peripheral issues. what about the bedrock rule of international law, no taking

land by force? when russia does it, we're pretty clear! >> the entire world has a stake in making sure that no nation, no aggressor, is allowed to take a neighbor's territory by force. the american people will never waver in our commitment to those values. >> jon: ish. see, this is where israel's actions get interesting. because you might say israel's war is different than ukraine's. israel is responding to an attack and a hostage crisis. but in the midst of that, they pulled a little something in the west bank on march 22nd that might be notable. >> as the u.s. secretary of state antony blinken made his latest visit to israel, the israeli government announced that it was declaring state land, nearly 2,000 acres of land, in the occupied west bank. >> this latest israeli appropriation is the largest land transfer since the oslo accords were signed in

1993. >> jon: 1993! that's not even gaza! that's the west bank. so you can't say it has anything to do with defending yourself against hamas. let's see if america upholds its rule against taking land! >> i haven't seen the specifics of this, but anyone taking steps that makes things more difficult, more challenging this time, it's something that we have a problem with. >> jon: you don't know about it? they did it the day you [bleep] visited! why do we tiptoe around on eggshells? they slap america in the face and our response is, "well, if anyone slapped us in the face, we'd be concerned. that's for sure. raising your hand to a delicate body part of the face, if true." the verbal gymnastics that the american government must undertake so as not to offend the delicate sensibilities of a country we provide most of the weapons for is just... ahh! every time america tells the world that there's something we

won't allow, israel seems to say, "challenge accepted!" are they willfully trying to provoke us? or perhaps they're just reading our principles from right to left? [applause] really, be honest, it's kind of a bar mitzvah joke. over 30,000 have died in gaza since this war started, some of them hamas soldiers, 13,000 of them children. our response? >> since the early hours, we've been urging our israeli counterparts to act with as much precision as they can in their targeting. our constant efforts to urge the israelis to be as precise and careful as possible. we can still continue to urge israel to be more careful and more precise. the need for israeli defense forces to act with precision. we continue to work with the israelis to make sure that they are as precise as they can be. >> jon: see, they are not

listening. have you tried synonyms for "precision?" >> we continue to stress to our israeli counterparts that they be as discriminant and careful in their targeting as possible. be as cautious and deliberate and as careful as they can. to be more careful and more deliberate. very deliberate. in the most discreet, deliberate, careful, cautious way possible. the utmost care. >> a special burden to be mindful. >> jon: to be mindful? what is this, [bleep] hot yoga? [applause] "we just -- we've seen the bombing and we are urging netanyahu to be present." what the [bleep] are we doing here? the subtext of all this is america knows this is wrong. but it doesn't seem to have the courage to say it in a straightforward manner. america and israel both know that you cannot bomb your way into safety. we learned that lesson in iraq

and afghanistan. they learned it in southern lebanon. they laid siege there, occupied the southern area for 20 years, all it did was birth and strengthen hezbollah. and they're about to do it all over again, and we're letting them. real friends take the [bleep] keys! because friends don't let friends bomb that much. [applause] and after this recent week with so much horror, perhaps america finally finds the need for a new approach with israel, with more justice and less cruelty. >> the u.s. and israel are closing in on what would be their largest weapons deal since the war in gaza began. >> jon: well, i don't know about you but if that's true, i find it concerning. and with that devastating conclusion, we turn for more analysis, back to grace kuhlenschmidt. grace?

[applause] >> no, no, no. no, no. not that again! >> jon: grace kuhlenschmidt, everybody. when we come back, christiane amanpour will be joining us. don't go away. grace kuhlenschmidt! [cheers and applause]

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♪ don't you ever let me go ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is cnn's chief international anchor and host of "the amanpour hour." please welcome christiane amanpour! hello! lovely to see you! [cheers and applause] hello! >> hi! >> jon: i wanted to have you on and talk to you. the world is ending. >> well...

>> jon: it seems that way. >> that is why the clips was a beautiful day because it looks like it was ending and that it brought so many people together in this incredibly divided country. it was very emotional. it was very emotional. [applause] >> jon: of just the answer to this is we have to do this every day? the eclipse? >> i think. focus people's minds. >> jon: can't we just block it? what is happening? what is the frustration? you are working over at -- what is the name? cnn? >> cnn. the big red letters. the most trusted name in news. >> jon: what? that is a new branding. let me ask you this. we see it on air and everybody's working so hard. what are their journalists behind the scenes talking about is their frustrations? what were they like to see covered? how would they like to see if covered, or are they executing it in the manner in which they think they are satisfied?

>> welcome here's the thing. you've been talking a lot about israel, obviously about ukraine. our major problem covering israel and gaza right now, this phase of it which has been going on for six months, is that we can't get there. this is an unprecedented situation. journalists are not on the ground and gaza. and it is -- >> jon: there are journalists on the ground. >> you are right. i am talking about independent western journalists are not able to get there or anybody else, except for those people who are absolutely risking their lives every single day. >> jon: every day. >> media workers, journalists, almost 100 have been killed according to the cp jay in gaza, west bank, and in six months. it's an all black unprecedented situation. it goes beyond the horror of what has happened to those people and their families. it is about telling the story of gaza, telling the story of the palestinians. you know, actual local journalists would tell you about a people, right? a people. not just dehumanizing numbers

or -- but the people. when we do our job and i have been doing this pretty much since the first gulf war. we go there to be the eyes and ears of everybody who can't go, who is not a local. who is not able to get there. >> jon: is this an american problem? because -- >> it's an israeli problem. they want to let us in. >> jon: i mean, we in this country may not be getting the information but on social media come on various things were with alger zero outcome of the world is certainly saying, a very different picture than what western journalism is showing. >> that is very true. if this terrible law goes through to throw out any organization from gaza including al jazeera, it will be a terrible thing. yet another chilling effect on trying to tell the truth in this raging war. so this is a real, real problem. it is true. many people do get daily news from social media, actually, as i say, the very brave camera people who are there with their phones and with their cameras. >> jon: it's incredible work. >> it is remarkable.

>> jon: you are covering these types of events from 1983, we all remember that was the occupation and southern lebanon. it was right -- >> the israelis invaded be rude, after the plo. >> jon: then there was a civil war, the rise of hezbollah in that occupation. there was the islamic revolution in iran. we are watching these stories play out redundantly. >> there two things. one is that history is not always a great teacher but the other is that, you know, leadership matters. and we are in a crisis of leadership around the world. i genuinely believe. and even as bad as it was in the 1990s and the 1980s, there is a period, let's say come in this part of the world, and the middle east, in the '90s where there was an actual peace process. we can poo poo it, laugh at it, we can say that it failed but because people sabotage it.

so there has been instances where peace can be forged, both sides can come together, and it depends on leaders. >> jon: this will take more than both sides. this will have to be a regional peace. this is a grinding war with no real -- i mean, the idea is, we will do this until we eliminate hamas. so you are going to kill everybody? what is that even mean? >> two things. israel was attacked on october 7th, the worst single day massacre in its history. >> jon: of course. >> and it has the right to defend itself but, right, the issue is, you stay within the guidelines of international law. so now, you heard, you know america is getting very frustrated and concerned -- >> jon: we are very concerned. if, christiane, if true. >> you know -- >> jon: we are concerned. >> it's reminded me of something that happened at the state department during the rwandan genocide, when a

journalist state department put to spokesperson, 30 years ago this week, how -- the woman said there have been acts of genocide committed in rwanda. the woman said, how many acts of genocide does it take to call it a genocide? she said, i'm unable to respond to that position you are taking. >> jon: i am not a geno genocide-ologist. we have no issue being clear with our moral issues. the other side of it is, this isn't about the ability to defend yourself, it's not even about the moral issue. it's about efficacy. it's about, after 9/11, the vindictiveness in me, the blood lust, it certainly rose up. by very come our response was flawed in our efficacy. we made our mistake. >> you know that president biden said that to

prime minister netanyahu, so did lloyd austin, so did many -- >> jon: but president biden, when he was in the position to say that to america after 9/11, didn't say that. that is not the position that he took then. then, the position was, yeah, let's go into iraq, let's go into afghanistan. it is easy and that retrospect. which is why it feels as though the world order has failed in this moment. and i am surprised -- and maybe this isn't really the case and i am misrepresenting this. but the passive nature of the arab states. >> look, that is a big issue because they have now all rushed to make peace and certain accords with israel. the uae, morocco, saudi arabia was on the verge of doing it, still is working on it. i have spoken to a lot of arab leaders and i've said to them, look, for all these years since 1948 when the palestinians left, where they were forced out, when they were chased out, when they voluntarily left, all that, what

happened -- and that is what gaza is. the refugees from 1948. where -- when are you going to stand up also and take ownership of this problem? the arab states have had palestinian refugees are pretty much 75 odd years. >> jon: certainly, jordan has a larger palestinian -- >> none of them have, because -- >> jon: they are all terrified of hamas and hezbollah. the dirty little secret is, the islamists that they helped foster through all of those other actions, they are scared shiftless of. >> they would like to see hamas get a blood he knows. there is no doubt about it. but people, the leaders -- >> jon: they don't want accountability. >> the people are essentially very upset. the people in that part of the world. >> jon: sure. >> they are very, very upset. [applause] >> jon: so tell me why this is naive or wrong that the arab states form a dmz to immediately

de-escalate this problem? how do they not step in and form some type of guaranteed security security of of israel, guarantee the security of the palestinians and stop his car much? >> there have been certain plans loaded. at the moment, the israeli government wants none of it. he doesn't want the u.n., it doesn't want the arab countries. the only thing that the prime minister -- >> jon: is a not see isolation in the world? >> that is what its allies are telling appeared to have the moral high ground and you are very close, if not having lost it, and this is a problem for israel because the truth is, all of these people on my show tell me, the experts and the analysts and the leaders, that if this is actually isn't solved politically, then unfortunately, it will keep happening. this vicious cycle. >> jon: at the future of this, as you look at it, when you talk about leadership, who is a leadership that emerges? it is clearly not netanyahu. >> i think the israeli situation is really interesting.

you have two contrasting facts. the overwhelming majority of the country supports the war. >> jon: sure. >> they also want their first priority to be their families to come back. they need a cease-fire and a deal to bring their families back. but the overwhelming majority of the israelis do not support benjamin netanyahu. so what the americans are saying now, and you saw senator schumer and others, that there has to be another election at some point, god forbid we would be meddling in another country, but nonetheless. there has to be elections -- >> jon: by the way, it's against the rules-based world order. >> yeah. and potentially, hopefully, open up another real possibility of a negotiated solution that is backed by the arab states, as you mentioned, by the united states, by europe, by all the investor -- >> jon: why is this not be a top priority? why is this not the only session that is going on at the u.n.? why is not everybody stopping

whatever the hell they are doing and hammering this out? >> because, you know, the security council, there is a lot of people with vetoes and things like that. it hasn't gotten to that point yet. the big, big issue right now is famine stalking gaza and the death toll is mounting and mounting. and jose andres spoke to president biden and said, how could you also send weapons and also call for respecting life and the end of this famine? so there is so much that is just -- >> jon: how can we only respond to this tragedy when it is seven western aid workers that are killed? when i heard the figure of children, over 10,000. unprecedented. i've never heard anything like that. >> have you seen pictures? >> jon: of course. they are haunting. for jews, this is heartbreaking.

i don't necessarily have that much of a connection but there is this idea that they are sticking it out for all of us because we are not safe anywhere in the world, which, by the way, if that is the issue, that is kind of a larger problem to begin with. >> i think for israelis, do jews, palestinians, crucial is that there has to be real leaders who come once and for al and create the piece. in the most important thing also is to be able to converse and discussed, there is nuance and diversity within communities that is not allowed. >> jon: absolutely but why is that not allowed? >> because everyone -- >> jon: do you have any idea what is going to happen? but you always, you are always in the thick of it. >> but i have all these diverse opinions on my program. that is what i try to do. i try to bring israelis, arabs, jews, muslims, all the interested parties, and this particular conflict onto my program to talk. people who have lost family members, whether it is an israeli or palestinian pair people who have waged peace, try

to wage peace, the israeli mother or the palestinian mother. i have them on my program. young people who still believe in the peace process, even though it is evaporating before their eyes. they come onto the program so there is hope. they have to be empowered, these people. >> jon: why is the discussion so much more robust in that part of the world? it is always, you can't talk about it in america but you know where they talk about it, israel? the talk about it and it's real. >> yes, they do, but to be fair, they do, there is very robust arguments going on, but even they on their television are not seeing the full horror of this civilian casualties in gaza. it is just not. they are just not. so it is very traumatized, as relatives of the hostages tell me, it is still a very traumatized society. and yet, i promise you, this incredible woman, she said to me, we, israelis, sometimes the arabs look at us as with we are all the same. we are not. and we cannot look at palestinians as if they are all hamas. they are not. and for a woman whose parents have been held hostage, to be

able to say that, and how we must make friends with our enemies, otherwise we will keep dying. >> jon: but we cannot keep putting the onus on these individuals, governments and nations have to step up and step and come up because is all slipping away very rapidly. >> yes, it is. ukraine is the next when you have to do because that is a big one. we cannot take our eye off -- >> jon: i thought that was fixed. i think if you check -- >> i think you could have speaker johnson, baby? >> jon: i can't even tell you how many times i have called that [bleep]. so a speaker johnson, they were doing the afghan adjustment act, trying to bring in, who we are trying to get interpreters, who helped american troops in afghanistan and it was going into this omnibus bill that was going to give the government open. i can tell you many times i called that office and left messages. just really want to make sure that the afghan adjustment act, they can get vetoes and all that. you know what he said when he

called back? he didn't call back. >> [laughs] you got me. >> jon: "the amanpour hour" airs saturday on cnn and "amanpour and company" airs weeknights on pbs. weeknights on pbs. ♪♪

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show for tonight! before we go, we're going to check in with your host for the rest of the week, michael kosta! [cheers and applause] come on! michael, what's coming up the rest of -- michael? what's with the helmet? >> oh, it's that noticeable, huh? >> jon: yeah, it's a big helmet. >> well, jon, i recently learned new york city is over several earthquake fault lines. so i'm not taking any chances. i'm prepared. 24/7. >> jon: you're gonna wear that all the time now? >> well, yeah. unless i'm riding my bike,

because, you know, i don't wanna look like a pussy. >> jon: michael kosta, everyone! now here it is. your "moment of zen." >> welcome back to eclipse across america. we are watching what is an amazing interstellar phenomenon. we are not talking about happening in indianapolis, we are talking about the show we are about to watch across the sky. >> it's going to be amazing and this is either the best idea or the worst idea. >> set aside all journalistic credibility. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ timmy, timmy, timmy, timmy ♪ ♪ timmy, timmy, timmy ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪

- oh, cool, a preview! - coming this summer, it's the classic film that changed america, e.t., the extra-terrestrial. the new, redone version for 2002! all the e.t. effects have been digitally upgraded. all the guns have been digitally changed to walkie-talkies. and the word "terrorist" has been changed to "hippie." - aw, dude, why would they do that? - yeah, hippies and terrorists are the same thing. - no, dude, spielberg changed terrorist to hippie to make e.t. more p.c. - that's gay. - coming this summer, it's the motion picture that changed america, saving private ryan: the re-re-release, where the word "nazi" has been changed to "persons with political differences" and all the guns have been replaced by walkie-talkies. [gunfire] - [screaming] oh, my god! - why the hell do these directors keep updating their movies? - and now for your feature presentation! the classic re-re-re-release of star wars: the empire strikes back. all: whoo-hoo!

all: aaaaaghhh! - goddamn it, that pisses me off! - yeah, we want our money back! - sorry, suckers! - you asshole! - why don't they leave those movies alone? we liked them the way they were. - don't you see what this means? all our favorite movies are going to be changed and updated until we can't even recognize them anymore. - tweek is right; it isn't fair for those asshole directors to keep changing their movies and making them different. movies are art, and art shouldn't be modified. - yeah, what if they had modified the roman colosseum every year? it would just be another big douche-y stadium now. - we have to do something. let's form a club. - yeah, we could form a club that takes food stamps from poor people and then sells them back to the government for a profit. - no, fat-ass, i mean a club to protect films from their directors so they can't be messed with. - yeah, we'll be the "save films from their own directors club." all: yeah. - no. no, no. i don't wanna form a club. that's too much pressure. look, i'm supposed to take it easy. just watch the clouds, sit in the grass. if we form a club, there'll be responsibilities, commitments. - tweek, now goddamn it, we picked you to be our new friend to replace kenny because we thought you were a team player. - i'm not. i'm not a team player. - now either you stop with these faggotronics

or we'll find someone to replace you. - aaagh. oh, jesus. - dude, that sign sucks. nobody's gonna show up. - what's wrong with it? - look at it, dude. - you're not offering any fabulous prizes. you have to offer fabulous prizes if you want people to show up for your stupid crap. here... - free hat? - yeah, if you offer free hats, maybe people will show up. - but we don't have hats. - we just make them out of paper. it's not hard, just stupid little paper hats. people just need free stuff. don't you guys know anything? - you see? first we were just forming a club. now we have to make hats. where does it end? - all right, let's go get the gymnasium ready. tweek, you go make 50 hats. - 50 hats? oh, jesus. i'll never make it. i'll never make it. - tweek. - agh! - calm down, son. remember what dr. norris told you-- find your center. - my center? my center. calm...puppies. - tweek. tweek! tweeeeeek!

how many hats have you made? - oh, god! - we only have until 10:00 a.m. tomorrow. get the lead out. - aagh! oh, god! you guys, we have a big problem. - what? - i was up all night making hats. i only slept for an hour, and then i dreamt about making hats. but i only made 15. - calm down, tweek. 15 might be enough. - yeah, let's see if anyone's even shown up yet. dude, there's, like, a thousand people in there. - a thousand? oh, jesus, man. i don't have nearly a thousand hats. - they're gonna kick your ass, tweek. - tweek, it's okay. look, maybe these people all turned out because they believe in saving films. maybe they don't even care about the free hat. [crowd chanting] free hat. free hat... - oh, god. - i told you guys. never underestimate the power of a free hat. - i gotta move away, you guys. - relax, tweek. we're just gonna have to go in there and explain what happened. there are more important things right now than free hats. [crowd cheering] okay, uh, we wanna thank you all for coming. we're really happy to see such enthusiasm for our cause.

uh, one thing before i continue: unfortunately, we don't have enough of the free hats for everyone. [cheering dies off] - uh, excuse me? - yes, we apologize, but our friend tweek here didn't make enough of them. - oh, jesus, don't tell them it was me. - we don't care about that. - you don't? - you mean you just came because you believe in our cause? - yeah, free hat. - what? - hat mccullough. he was sent to prison in '82, and we believe he should be released. - yeah! [chanting] free hat! free hat... - okay, apparently, there's been a bit of a misunderstanding. this is a rally to save films from their directors. - to do what? - we believe that films are pieces of art that must be preserved from the perverse hands of their aging filmmakers. - oh...sorry. come on, everyone. guess we're in the wrong place. - free hat! free hat! - wait, wait, wait. don't you see what's happening out there? the films that you all grew up with, that touched your lives and are a part of your soul, are now being updated and changed. join us, and we can be a group that makes a difference.

- can we also work towards freeing hat? - uh, sure, and we'll also try to free hat. [raucous cheering] all: free hat! free hat... - 212, 213, 214 members. - you guys, you guys. oh, god, i've got terrible news. - what? - ted koppel wants us to appear on nightline to talk about our cause. - really? that's great. - yeah. - no, it isn't, man. that is way too much pressure. - if we go on nightline, the whole country can hear about what's happening to our classic films. - but just remember that i do all the talking. - you? why? - because i'm the official spokesman. i got dibs on it. - when did we do dibs for it? - just now. one, two, three--dibs. - knee. - agh! - all right, fine, you're the spokesman, cartman. but you better not screw it up. - what could possibly go wrong? - a new movement is sweeping the country, led by four determined boys from south park, colorado. the organization was created to protect hollywood's classic films from the hands of their directors, and also to free hat mccullough. so, boys, i'll ask you the question that's on everyone's minds. why does your organization want to free hat mccullough,

the convicted, confessed serial murderer of 23 babies? - i believe that can best be answered by our official spokesman, tweek. - agh! - well, hat mccullough admitted he killed those toddlers. why do you want him free? - oh, jesus, man! - just answer me this, tweek-- what do you see as positive about toddler murder? - uh, uh, it's... it's easy? - yes, it is easy. all right, then, on to your other cause, "saving films from their directors." what got you boys interested in this? especially given your pro-toddler-murder status. - we believe that films have to be taken away from people like steven spielberg and george lucas because they're insane. - i'm glad you said that, boys, because joining us now are steven spielberg and george lucas. - oh, christ, agh! - hello, ted. - hi, ted. - gentlemen, these toddler murder fans think that you're insane and shouldn't be allowed to alter your films; your response? - well, first of all, both george and i are very firmly against the murdering of toddlers. - hear, hear. - dude, that's steven spielberg and george lucas. - please, somebody, get me out of here.

- and as for altering our films, all we're doing is trying to reach a new audience with our movies. as the makers of dreams, we like to speak for the children. - uh, we thought we were speaking for the children. - yeah, we're children. - look, if the beatles went back and updated the white album every few years, what would we have now? - yeah, these guys are only motivated by money, ted. - how so? - think about it. spielberg: jew. lucas: jew. kyle: jew. coincidence? - i'm not a jew! - you little brats-- i mean, you darling children don't know what you're talking about. changing e.t. was the best thing i ever did. - dude, don't you see that it's not? it'd be like changing raiders of the lost ark. - wait a minute. what did you say? - that's brilliant. - yes, change raiders of the lost ark. why didn't we think of it before? no! no!

that's some bad luck brian. and i think i'm late on my car insurance. good thing the general gives you a break when you need it. yeah, with flexible payment options to keep you covered. so today is your lucky...day [crash] so today is your lucky...day for a great low rate, go with the general. break up with your old wings, and... ♪ get a new honey... ♪ ...lemon pepper wing from popeyes. crispy. saucy. available. popeyes finally has wings in 6 flavors. ♪ love that chicken from popeyes ♪ - members, this is our darkest hour. we have just learned that george lucas and steven spielberg now intend to update and change raiders of the lost ark. [crowd murmuring] - there is only one way we can stop this important, historical piece of art from being harmed. mr. secretary? - thank you.

our intelligence tells us that the original negative to raiders of the lost ark is currently somewhere in george lucas' house. we need to find and usurp that negative. - and if we get ahold of the negative, they can't change the movie? - that is our understanding. - sounds like a good idea to me. i don't want them to change raiders of the lost ark. all: yeah! - yeah, we should go get that negative as soon as we get hat free. all: yeah! [all chanting] free hat! free hat! - no, no, we need to do this first. - but we have to free hat. - it's just that, you know, he killed 23 babies. - yeah, but it was in self-defense. all: yeah! - he killed 23 babies in self-defense? - hat was attacked maliciously and unprovoked by a gang of babies in westown park. when that many babies get together, they can be like piranha. - three eyewitnesses testified that if hat hadn't killed those babies, they'd-a killed him. all: yeah! [all chanting] free hat! free hat! - all right, but right now we gotta focus on getting those original prints of raiders. - he's right. we better split up. some of you go with the boys and get those film prints; the rest of us come with me to go talk to the governor about freeing hat.

all: yeah. [all chanting] free hat! free hat! - well, looks like we're gonna have to do this ourselves. - no, that's it. i'm out. i can't deal with the stress you guys create. - we're just gonna fly to california and break into george lucas' house. what's stressful about that? - aagh! - okay, tweek, let me tell you something. you've been our new friend now for two weeks, okay? and i've gotta be honest with you, it isn't going well. people aren't that into you, tweek; they find you annoying. now, i'd say you've got one last shot here, and i don't want you to blow it, okay? does that help take the stress off? - okay, go. - i'm not breaking into george lucas' house. i'm not breaking into george lucas' house. i'm in a green field. - shut up, tweek. this is not the time for faggocity. - this looks like the right room. - i'm in a field, surrounded by deer. - over here. that's it.

- all right, get it, tweek. - nu-uh. - get it, you piece of crap, before i grab your nutsack and twist it. - what are you doing? - oh, god! oh, jesus. - you're the boys from that stupid club. gimme that. - do with us what you will, mr. lucas, but please don't change raiders of the lost ark. - we're gonna make it better. the movie is gonna be changed, and that is that. - all right, you asked for it. i'm afraid you leave us no choice. it's time for plan "b." - aw, really? - oh, god, no, not plan "b." - you have a heart made of ice, mr. lucas, and so we're going to melt your icy heart with a cool island song. gentlemen? - what? - hit it, tweek. [steel drum music] ♪ in the tropical isles with the coconut trees ♪ - wait, wait, wait, wait. i thought we were gonna cool his hot heart with a cool island song. - no, he has an icy heart. - but you can't melt ice with a cool song, r-tard. - so we have to warm his icy heart with a hot island song? - it's a cool island song. - then we're gonna end up freezing his hellish heart with a cool island song.

- oh, do we wanna do that? - all right, that does it. yes, thank you, officer. the police are on their way, boys. soon you'll be in jail getting rammed. - aagh! - those rams can do to us what they will, mr. lucas, but we'll never stop trying to protect films. - it's not too late to do what's right. give us the print. there's still some good in you, mr. lucas. we know there is. - it is... too late for me, boys. - you yourself led the campaign against the colorization of films. you understand why films shouldn't be changed. - that's different. these are my movies, and i made them, and i have the right to do whatever i want with them. - you're wrong, mr. lucas. they're not your movies; they're ours, all of ours. we paid to go see them, and they're just as much a part of our lives as they are of yours. - when an artist creates, whatever they create belongs to society. - have i... become so old that i've forgotten what being an artist is about? - give the print to us so that we can protect it from spielberg and anyone else who wants to alter it. - perhaps... you are right.

[door opens] - stop. what are you doing, george? - steven, i-- - give me that print, george. we need to make the alterations. - steven, these boys had a point. i don't remember what it was, but it was good. - you haven't let these doe-eyed children affect your judgment, have you, george? don't forget-- you belong to me. - don't listen to him. you still have a chance to preserve your film. - i'm... i'm sorry, boys. - ha ha ha-haaaa. now, take the children prisoner. - what? - you troublemakers shall be my guests of honor at the premiere of the new raiders of the lost ark. your gay little club is over. - [bleep] you, steven spielberg. come on, you guys. - oh, my god, they're gonna kill us. - don't even think about it, kid. i'm not afraid to use this walkie-talkie. the one with the cocaine problem escaped, mein director.

- leave him. let him run back to his mommy. we must get the film ready for the premiere. lucas, come. - it's the digitally re-enhanced re-release of the very first pilot episode of south park. yes, the classic, rough, handmade first episode is getting a makeover for 2002. the simple, funny aliens are now super bad-ass and cool. the flying saucer? no longer cheap construction paper, but a 4.0-megapixel non-drop digital masterpiece of technology. yes, everything's new. new is better. - when we first made south park, we didn't want to use construction paper; we just had to because it was cheap. - and now with new technology, we can finally re-master south park to make it look sharp, clean, and focused. - and expensive. - yes, all the charm of the simple little cartoon will melt before your eyes as it is replaced by newer and more standardized animation. - for instance, in the scene at the bus stop, we always meant to have imperial walkers and giant dewback lizards in the background but simply couldn't afford it. - get this special enhanced version quick,

because another enhanced version will likely be coming out for 2003. (marci) so, how long have you lived here? (opponent) over forty years. (marci) and how are the restaurants around here? are they good, bad, meh? what's the average household income? is there a mall? i don't know. a hair salon? where do you get your hair done? (opponent) you gonna move, or what? (marci) oh, i'm sorry. it's a lovely neighborhood. (luke) marci, we've gotta go. (marci) i'm coming! (luke) we've got seventeen thousand more parks to visit. (marci) you wanna give me a hand? (luke) we bring you the best neighborhood info.

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it is good bread. get that away from my money. fresh baked bread. at jimmy john's. - members, uh, oh, jesus-- you have to do something. our club's president, treasurer, and secretary have all been taken hostage by steven spielberg, agh! - prisoner? you mean like hat? - yes, just like hat. - but the governor won't pardon hat, so how can we get him out of prison? all: yeah! - no, listen to me. we're not talking about hat right now, okay? get it?

look, we went to george lucas' house and tried to melt his icy heart with a warm island song, but then spielberg showed up and took three of our members prisoner. they're going to premiere the new raiders of the lost ark, and we have to rescue them. do you understand? - hey, he's got a point there. - yeah, maybe we could melt the governor's icy heart with a cool island song. - yeah. - let's go. - no! - no? - no, he's right. we have to freeze his hot heart with a cool island song. - or is it freshen his hot temper with a cool island song? - let's cool his hot temper with a fresh island song. - that's it! [all cheering] - oh, god, i'm gonna have to do this myself. oh, god. - well, the print is finished, and the day has come. tonight, steven spielberg and george lucas will be at the premiere of the new, special edition of raiders of the lost ark. lots of celebrity guests and other rich people will be on hand to witness all the updated effects and modernized technology.

- ho-oh! - the kid? the tweaked-out kid? - i'm gonna blow up the print, spielberg. [walkie-talkies cocking] - your persistence surprises even me. - surely you don't think you can escape from this premiere? - that depends on how reasonable we're all willing to be. all i want are my friends. - wow... - except for cartman. you can keep him. - agh! - and if we refuse? - then your premiere has no movie. - he's definitely lost it. - yup. - okay, okay, stand back. stand back, back. - okay, kid, you win. blow it up. zuroch! zuroch! blow it back to god. all your life has been the pursuit of seeing a great film. this new version of raiders has digital effects beyond your wildest dreams.