(michael) an office is as safe as the people in it. and sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. that's the danger i found myself in today. i saved a life--my own. am i a hero? i really can't say. but, yes. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> jon: hi, everybody! welcome! oh, i almost surprised myself. what the heck? what is my head doing? they would go. hey, welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. unbelievable show! they are already exhausted from the open. by the way, how was your weekend? my weekend was... [screams] >> breaking at this moment, israel under fire from iran. it's just raining rockets with those sirens blaring out. >> we do effectively have world war iii in progress. >> jon: oh, no! not world war iii! i'm still writing "iraq war" on all my checks!

but yes, the skies above israel were lit up like a... i want to say christmas tree but that's probably not -- for that area. menorah? the moment society has dreaded since the armistice of 1945 was finally upon us. as einstein said, he doesn't know what weapons world war iii will be fought with, but he knows the next ones will be fought with sticks and stones! this is jon stewart, signing off. may god bless us, and everyone. and let future civilizations know that we could not overcome our fatal nature. >> in the end, there was almost no damage as israel, the u.s. and other allies shot down 99% of the missiles and drones. >> jon: huh!

it wasn't world war iii... i certainly regret doing this. i -- oh, boy. a moment of panic. sort of a primitive instinct. is that me? art garfunkel? but kudos to the united states and to israel! it shows just how effective a military defense system can be when you funnel american dollars away from health care and education. it really helps to build -- [cheers and applause] and the best part is, we did it with no help! the two amigos, surrounded by hostile arab nations, united in their zeal to destroy israel.

>> jordan's air force also intercepted and shot down dozens of drones that violated its airspace and were on their way to israel. >> and we've now learned that saudi arabia and the uae provided real time intelligence that helped track the incoming missiles. >> jon: what are the teams of these [bleep] wars? i don't even know the teams anymore? the arab countries are helping israel? i don't know what the teams are! we need to sort this out! with jerseys or something. because iran could attack at any moment! >> in a statement, iran said it now considers the matter concluded. >> jon: hey, did you hear that? we are good. by the way, he was delicious.

really? that's what got you? anyway. were going to be okay. >> israel has vowed it will respond to iran. >> jon: no! all right, can i have a word with you, middle east? overhear. shalom aleichem? trying to cover all bases. listen, i hope this doesn't sound patronizing but when we in the west drew your region's borders and set you up with perfectly functioning dictatorships, we expected a little better. see, the agreement was: we would make up a whole new bunch of countries, some of which made sense, and in return,

you would give us your delicious oil. that was the deal! you give us your delicious oil, and we take it. we certainly didn't expect to get drawn into all the drama that our actions created. and now these wars have got us all turned around! at one point, we're helping iraq fight iran, then we're invading iraq, now we're helping iran fight isis, then we're using isis to help fight houthis that are backed by iran? i mean, [bleep]! in gaza, we're actually bombing them and feeding them. how do you think that makes us feel? [applause] oh, oh, did you have a nice sandwich? ron! oh, and apparently now, there's two kinds of islam? i mean, you could have told us

before we got into this. as i said earlier, arbitrarily gerrymandered your homelands. so do better. keep that oil coming. and by the way, we got enough trouble keeping track of our own wars. like this weekend, our former president and illustrious historian donald j. trump spoke near one of america's most hallowed battlefields. and if you thought lincoln consecrated gettysburg with his soaring rhetoric, well, bu-bu-buckle up. >> gettysburg. what an unbelievable battle that was. the battle of gettysburg. what an unbelievable -- i mean, it was so much and so interesting and so vicious and horrible and so beautiful in so many different ways. it represented such a big portion of the success of this country. gettysburg. wow.

>> jon: that is plagiarized almost directly from my seventh grade book report: "gettysburg. wow." [cheers and applause] i did not do well. [cheers and applause] "it was vicious and horrible, and beautiful in some ways" -- is he talking about a civil war battle or a horse giving birth? "it was bloody, but it's life." now, obviously, i am not a civil war buff like -- but unlike me, he even knows all the famous quotes. >> i go to gettysburg, pennsylvania, to look and to watch, and the statement of robert e. lee, who's no longer in favor. did you ever notice that? no longer in favor. "never fight uphill, me boys, never fight uphill." they were fighting uphill. he said, "wow, that was a big mistake."

he lost his great general, and they were fighting. "never fight uphill, me boys!" >> jon: it is true, the north did have the higher ground, but i'm pretty sure that robert e. lee was not a leprechaun. [in an irish accent] "ah, never fight uphill, me boys! that's not how to take back the north's pot o' gold. you can't be fighting uphill, me boys." [in normal voice] also minor point but, i'm pretty sure robert e. lee would not have told them, "never fight uphill," since he's the one who told them to do [bleep] fight uphill! he wasn't like, "if they go up the hill, i'm going to be so mad if they do that."

long street actually told them to go up the hill and robert e. lee actually said "me boys will do what they want." although, to be fair to former president donald trump, he does have a lot on his mind right now. >> now to breaking news, the first-ever criminal trial involving a former president will soon get underway. >> jon: oh, my god, donald, don't run up that hill, me boy! stay down! stay down the hill, me boy! [cheers and applause] stay down! but yes, after years of anticipation, the first criminal trial of a former president has begun and by all accounts, it is absolutely riveting. >> 40 minutes ago, you wrote an observation that -- i was very surprised: trump appears to be sleeping, his head keeps dropping down and his mouth goes slack. tell us about that. >> well, jake, he appeared to be asleep. [laughter and applause]

>> jon: hey, jake. what part of head down, eyes closed, drool coming out of his mouth, do you not [bleep] get over here? he's snoring. he's doing the honk shoo, he's doing the "mimimi." there's a piece of paper going up and down and up and down in his mouth. he's asleep. imagine committing so many crimes, you get bored at your own trial. move on to the good stuff! [applause] now, in case you've lost track, this is the trial where trump allegedly paid hush money to an adult film star that he slept with and then allegedly falsified business records to cover it up. or as trump would put it: >> this is political persecution. this is a persecution like never before. nobody's ever seen anything like it. and again, it's a case that should have never been brought. it's an assault of america, and that's why i'm very proud to be here.

>> jon: well, it's true, trump is always very proud to be part of any assault on america. [applause] oh. mm. "yes, mr. stewart," we agree! look, even if the prosecution is bit of a stretch, it's not persecution. the guy's not nelson mandela or jesus. >> i don't mind being nelson mandela, because i'm doing it for a reason. >> trump also shared two articles that compared him to jesus christ. one was titled "the crucifixion of donald trump." >> jon: don't let them crucify you, me boy! we have full team coverage down at the courthouse in lower manhattan today. here with an update on which martyr trump more resembles: jesus or nelson mandela? it's ronny chieng and desi lydic. [cheers and applause]

i'm going to start with ronny chieng. jesus or mandela? >> clearly mandela. both are two heroes, unjustly persecuted by a corrupt legal system. and as mandela often said, and i quote, "this is a witch hunt hoax. i've never even met horse face." >> i totally disagree, ronny. jesus christ. he's obviously jesus christ. it's right there in the new testament, or in its sequel, "the art of the deal." chapter 10, verse 8. "and lo, he evicted the rent-controlled tenants. and it was good. and tremendous and vicious and beautiful. jesus. wow." [cheers and applause] >> hang on. think about this for a second. trump and mandela? they both had three wives. jesus didn't even have a serious

girlfriend. the guy had no rizz. >> jon: i don't think rizz -- anyway. mandela was in prison for 27 years. >> yeah, but if you add up all the prison sentences trump got for other people from january 6th, and his campaign, and his business, it's way more than 27 years! okay? trump is, like, ten nelson mandelas. >> no, ronny, trump is jesus. they both have a ton of buildings with their names on them, filled with portraits of themselves to be worshiped. and they both sold sneakers! gold sneakers. >> hold on, hold on. i'm sorry to interrupt. this is ridiculous! >> jon: josh johnson! also at the courthouse. [cheers and applause] josh! >> trump is not mandela or jesus. we all know... donald trump is oj.

[cheers and applause] >> jon: i don't think that -- did you say o.j.? >> yeah, jon. o.j. trump! they were both iconic celebrities in the '80s. plus "donald j. trump?" is the "j" for juice? probably. but most importantly, their obvious guilt didn't deter their loyal fans who either think they're innocent, or don't care they're guilty. >> jesus had loyal fans! >> not like this. >> jon: so if he's o.j., you're saying that whether or not trump slept with stormy daniels or paid stormy daniels hush money isn't going to matter, he'll walk away a free man? >> yes, and personally, i'm excited for the moment in the trial, when trump will drop his pants and say, "if the glove don't fit, you must acquit." [cheers and applause] >> jon: ronny, desi, and josh, everybody.

we'll come back with david sanger. don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight, a white house and national security correspondent for "the new york times." his latest book is called "new cold wars: china's rise, russia's invasion, and america's struggle to defend the west." please welcome back to the program david sanger! sir! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ he wrote another banger.

"new cold wars" >> jon: david, nice to see you again. >> good to be here. >> jon: david, is the premise that the united states did a poor job of managing risk after the fall of the soviet union? >> well, we certainly made a lot of false assumptions, bad assumptions. >> jon: that doesn't sound like us. >> nah, wouldn't be us, wouldn't be us. and the fundamental argument of the book is that we believed somehow, we deluded ourselves, jon, into believing that china and russia, each for their own different reasons, would like to sign up to the western world. that we were going to say, we've got the whole thing figured out. all you guys do is come in here and sign on the dotted line. >> jon: right. we are going to do a rules-based democratic foundation order and everybody will be cool with it. >> and that was supposed to be the end of history. >> jon: are we lying to them or are we lying to ourselves? >> i think more to ourselves. so we did not want to conceive of a world in which we were back in superpower conflict. we wanted to live in the world in which the u.s. was the predominant power.

we finally calmed down the middle east. we're doing really well with that. we could then focus on competing with china, some containment of russia, and you know, biden happened to be the one sitting in office when this all fell apart. and most of the book is the story of what happens when that fell apart. it is the story of how the nuclear plant in ukraine, the biggest nuclear plant in europe, suddenly everyone believes is going to become the world's biggest -- >> jon: chernobyl. >> right. >> jon: haven't we sowed the seeds of that with our own arrogance and cavalier approach to a lot of these foreign policy conflicts? a, we always frame things as this is a battle between democracy and the free world and liberation and authoritarianism but the truth is, we are fighting for trade channels and resources.

like, this is all a function of competing capitalist powers and aren't we the ones -- we've invaded more countries than russia and china combined. so would it help us to not have to scold everybody for failing to live up to principles that we very clearly do not uphold? >> well, at least we have some principles, okay? that's the one thing -- >> jon: we say that. but you can't invade a country. what happened in iraq? >> that's right. >> jon: you can't call for regime change. what did we do in libya? every time we say these things, we undercut our own position with -- for god's sakes, iran is an enemy because we overthrew the democratically elected government in 1953. >> that's right. >> jon: at what point do we admit that this is how we are behaving? >> the odd thing is, at the moment, presidents to admit that. they get chewed up for admitting

to american error. obama went and apologized to the iranians -- >> jon: i'm not saying apologize. i'm just saying, take off the mask and go, you know what this is? it strikes me as, it is colonialism and imperialism in a more modern form. china is in africa trying to [applause] extract -- we are trying to extract, we are militarizing economic rivalries and creating all kinds of chaos and death over what is ostensibly trying to get better deals. >> well, some of it is better deals, some of it is protecting technology, and i argue in here that with china, as opposed to russia, this is -- first of all, this is an incredible competitor and it's a competitor in the military sphere, in the technology sphere, in finance, in economics. >> jon: and we're their best customer. >> and they are ours. and that is really what makes this different from the old cold war. the reason there is a "new" in "new cold wars" and

there is a reason there's a s at the end. first of all, we are fighting two simultaneously. the old cold war, that was not the case. >> jon: is fighting the wrong terminology? because isn't that -- look, the a war are the only people that never lose a war are the military-industrial complex, the people that sell the weapons. if we continue -- if we continue to push that weaponization of these economic rivalries, aren't we just playing into that cycle? >> we are playing into the cycle. but if you are in a world in which vacuums happen, if we say, okay, we are done with this, you will go back and build our big walls and sort of recede from it, someone fills that space, and that space is going to get filled largely by china, some by russia, some by other authoritarian regimes and so we have to make a really hard and bad choice, which is, do we want to be the one trying to fill that void with our technology and our principles, understanding that we violate

them all the time? or do we want to let an authoritarian regime go fill that space, which we know how that is going to look? so the book is sort of a warning ahead to what these next 20 or 30 years are going to look like. >> jon: wow. >> because this is not a world in which these new cold wars are going to end sometime soon. they are going to be the dominant theme of the next 20, 30, 40 years, long after putin and xi are gone, and long after joe biden and donald trump are gone. >> jon: i don't believe that last part. >> that trump is never leaving? >> jon: i think the two of them, honestly, it will be 2084. they will be like, it is another biden-trump rematch. i can't believe it. two heads in a jar. [applause] "new cold wars," it is available now. david sanger! [cheers and applause] >> jon: thank you! ♪ ♪

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unless someone has the money to keep me quiet. >> jon: are you asking for donald trump to pay you hush money? >> no, that broke bitch can't even pay his own bond. [cheers and applause] no, no, no. i'm looking for the real players. i'm asking the republican party to pay me hush money. >> jon: that's a fair point! dulce sloan all this week! [cheers and applause] now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> let me show you the game. more shape is not going to solve the problem. my advice to the president today for what it's worth, mr. president, don't. stop it. to support israel with respect, go to amazon and buy a spine online. ♪ ♪

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- here you go! here you go! don't forget to...vote, everyone! here you go, fellas. be sure to get these handed in tomorrow. - what's this? - every student needs to go home and vote on their favorite choice in each category. favorite comedy actor, favorite comedy movie. and then on friday during lunch and recess, we're gonna have a big, f-f-fantastic comedy awards show! - dude, an awards show just for comedy sounds like a bad idea. - fellas, do you have any idea how difficult comedy is? can't we just spend one lunch and recess saying thanks to those who make us smile and laugh every day? - yeah, look, i don't think i can make it, jimmy. - yeah, sorry, dude. i can't make it either. - attention, students, mkay. there will be a presentation by the special education department in the gymnasium friday during lunch and recess, mkay. attendance to this assembly is mandatory.

all students and faculty are required to go. which--which i guess means i gotta suck it too, huh, mkay. - aw, man, really? - don't worry, everybody! i've spared no expense to make my comedy awards the biggest thing this school has ever seen. you're all gonna have a blast! [percussive music] welcome to the special ed department's first annual comedy awards. - ♪ timmy timmy timmy ♪ ♪ timmy timmy-timmy ♪ - please welcome your host, jimmy valmer! woo! woo-hoo! yeah! - ♪ look alive, timmy ♪ ♪ timmy ♪ - oh, boy, what a terrific audience! can i get a wh--wh-- what-what? we are here today to honor those who tirelessly work so hard to make us laugh. the first comedy award we are presenting is for the funniest kid in school. and the nominees are... - clyde donovan. kelly p. gardner. jimmy valmer. - oh, wow, this is so exciting, isn't it? and the winner is... oh, my gosh! jimmy valmer! i can't believe i won! - ♪ timmy timmy timmy, look alive ♪

- wow, this is the greatest day of my life. thanks, everyone, for this incredible award. - can we go now? - go? we still have over 50 awards to hand out. [kids groaning] - and the winner for best comedy performance in a movie is... ben stiller! come on up here, ben! is ben stiller here? no? huh. i guess ben stiller could not be with us tonight, so i'll accept this award on his behalf. and the award for funniest correspondents' dinner speech goes to... president obama! is president obama here? no? i guess we'll just accept this award on his behalf. - ♪ look alive, timmy ♪ - wow, what a terrific audience. isn't this great? can i get another wh-wh-what-what? and now it's time to give out the award for the least funny people in the world. and the nominees are... - the germans. the japanese. the yupik eskimos of the chukchi peninsula.

[drum roll] - and the winner is... the germans! [canned cheers and applause] uh, i guess unfortunately the germans could not be with us tonight, so i will accept this award on their behalf. auf wiedersehen! [canned applause and cheering] and now for the kathy griffin award. the kathy griffin award will be given each year to the person who is most likely to actually show up to receive their kathy griffin award. and the winner is... [drum roll] tyler perry. - yeah! yeah! yeah! - ♪ timmy timmy timmy ♪ ♪ timmy ♪ - oh, man, i want to thank you all for this amazing award! or as medea would say, "hallelujer!" [token laughing] - oh, god, how embarrassing. - good afternoont! helllerrr! i'd also really like to thank my-- - okay, thanks, tyler perry. - i just don't understand it, dad. it's like nobody cared about winning their comedy award.

the only people that showed up were me and tyler perry. - uh-huh. - i really feel like i did all that work for nothing. people still think comedy is nothing but a big joke. i mean, come on. - hmm. mm-hmm. - dad, i'm really feeling sad and let down right now, and i feel like i can't even get a response from you. could i at the very least please just get a wh-wh-what-what? - what...what? - thanks, dad. - jimmy, they're talking about your comedy awards on the national news! - the national news? oh, my gosh! people do care! - a school in colorado has declared germans the least funny people in the world. the first annual comedy awards were held by the school children yesterday and all of germany is outraged. - [breathing deeply, angrily] ja, ja, ja. [speaking german]

- the german president went on to assure the world that germans have a great sense of humor, and that retaliation towards the schoolchildren who said they don't will be swift and brutal. [bell rings]

- jimmy! hey, jimmy! - dude, what the hell? did you see the news? - we told you doing a comedy awards show was a bad idea. now all of germany is pissed off at us! - d-don't worry, fellas. everything's gonna be okay. - okay? jimmy, do you what happened to the last people germans we're pissed off at? tell him, kyle. - fellas, i know germany isn't happy with us, but you have to admit that in a lot of ways the first annual comedy awards was a big success. - a big success? you can't even get tyler perry to go back home! - hallelujer! somebody call the ihop 'cause i need pancakes! - is it true? the germans want to kill us? - yeah, thanks to jimmy! - now don't worry, everybody. i'm sure that germany can take a joke just like the rest of us. [explosion] - it's the germans! [kids screaming] - hey-ooh! - schritt! schritt! schritt oder alle sterben! - ja, ja, lass die hande hoch! - [bleep] - glaubst du dass die deutscher kein humor hat, huh? - jimmy, you've got to explain to the germans that this is your fault, not ours!

- what am i supposed to say? - ugh! let me talk to them. - was machst du? ruck mit die andern. - hor zu, diese ganze dinge ist ein fehler. - wie ein fehler? - wir egal um the comedy awards sind. es war der kinder der special education. sie macht uns wahlen. - wollen sie entlich betreuen sein. - durfen wir der kind dort...geboten. er ist jud. huh? ein schone saftig jud. er ist frisch und wunderhubsch. wunderhubsch! - [speaking german] - [sighs] well, i tried. - what the hell are they gonna do to us?! - oh, my lerrrd! what're we gonna derrr? [token laughing] - aw, damn it. - kommen auf, schnell! wir warten zu long! schnell, schnell! - schell!

- ja, ja, das ist gut! - zeigen sie ihnen! - zeigen sie ihnen! [keypad beeps, alarm blares] [air hissing] [threatening music] ♪ ♪ - [electronic voice] did you hear that the governor's mansion in alabama burned down? it pretty much took out the whole trailer park. - ja! ja! now what do you say, man? here is the greatest feat of german engineering! the xj-212 vootzenklein funnybot! - why doesn't a chicken wear pants? because its pecker is on its head. [scattered chuckling] what do you see when the pillsbury doughboy bends over? dough-nuts. [all laughing] - don't you just hate doing...homework?

kids: yeah! - me too. man, i hate...homework. honestly, i hate having to do...homework... more than i hate having to do...bryant gumbel... in his asshole. awkwarrrd! [all laughing] awkwaaaard! awkwaaaard! - and now, comedy award voters, you will re-vote. re-vote!

norman, bad news... i never graduated from med school..

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[upbeat electronic music] - welcome to hollywood minute. i'm sandy cervix, and i'm deaf in one ear. it's been two weeks now since the prestigious voters of the comedy awards reversed their vote and said germans were no longer the least funny people in the world all thanks to the new ground-breaking german comedian, funnybot. it was after being voted the least funny people on the planet that the germans first engineered funnybot, a super automaton with perfect timing to within .0001 milliseconds.

since then, funnybot has seen a meteoric rise to stardom, selling out stand-up theaters all over the world. [cheers and applause] [upbeat music] - i am funnybot. [cheers and applause] don't you hate how... mexicans... always complain about... turtles... in their...vaginas? [laughter] i am funnybot. [applause] [beeping, chirping] you, sir. where are you from? - long island! - does everyone in...long island... have hair that looks like... pussy...you dipshit? [cheers and applause] - funnybot has exploded onto the silver screen, too! [women moaning] - hey, what are you doing with my daughters? - oh! - ah! - awkwarrrd!

- and this june, funnybot shows off his range by playing every role in family funbot. - pass me the potatoes, mother. - pass them yourself. - that boy too fat to be eating potatoes. - don't you call my little chubby baby fat, you...ball licker. - oh, ho, it's getting hot up in here. - funnybot, is there a line you won't cross? - the line is a non sequitur. the line is an imaginary invention of imperfect biological lifeforms. i am funnybot. - what's that? could you say that in the other ear? [bell rings] - oh, man did you guys see funnybot on saturday night live? - no, no, you guys gotta see funnybot in hangover 3. i'm telling you, it's his best work. - he can do everything! i saw funnybot on nurse jackie and on rockin' the boat. - what's the matter, jimmy? you still seem bummed. - what's the matter is this funnybot is taking the humanity out of comedy. i don't think things are better. i think they're worse. - yeah, everything's worse!

it's worser than the worst, that's what i'm sayin'. oh, lerrrd! [token laughing] - token, stop giving tyler perry money or he won't go away! - i can't help it? - all i can say is, i'm glad the germans are back in germany, and nobody's pissed off at us anymore. - hands up! - get in there! - let's go! - let's see those hands! get those hands up! - you little [bleep]! what the [bleep] have you done to us? - oh, wow. it's adam sandler. - everyone into the school gymnasium! move! - no, dude, don't make us go back in the-- - into the gymnasium now! - aww! - jeez! - not again! - ah, crap! - come on, come on, let's go! - you little, [bleep]! your comedy awards show has put us all out of work! - now look, i know that i've put every comedian in the world out of work, but you have to admit that in a lot of ways the first annual comedy awards were a big success. - who the [bleep] thinks a comedy awards show is a good idea? - don't hurt anybody, sir. we can try and fix this! [cheers and applause]

- what is up with... sandra bullock? i wouldn't eat her...dick.. with... stevie wonder's...vagina. [laughter] and now for my next joke. [gunfire] [all screaming] awkwarrrd! - this is breaking news from cnn. - shock and disbelief tonight as the german-engineered funnybot delivered his opening lines at the hollywood forum, then opened fire on the audience of 1,100 killing nearly all of them. spectators say the violent attack was unmotivated, irrational, and also... pretty goddamn funny. solidifying the opinion, once again, that funnybot may be the greatest comedian of all time. - tom, you should have seen the looks on people's faces, as funnybot began his opening monologue, skewering everyone from vagina-obsessed hispanics to sandra bullock,

then spontaneously started shooting people-- [chuckling] in their faces and in their chests. the blood went flying, and-- oh, [bleep], it was funny! - here we go, this has gotta be it right here. - excuse me, we wanna talk to funnybot. - who doesn't want to talk to funnybot? he's the biggest comedian in the world! - please, sir, the kids at my school are all being held hostage, and if we don't speak to funnybot, they could all be killed. - butters! butters, is everything okay? - well, yeah, it's okay, but jay leno's really losing it. - little [bleep]! let's just kill 'em, sandler! let's just kill 'em all right [bleep] now! - tell your friends they better get it done! - mr. sandler says you better get it done! and token says to hurry because he's running out of money. - you know when a man be cheatin' he never know what to say. but a woman? them things think quick! - will somebody get tyler perry to shut up? - please, sir, they're gonna kill our friends! - all right, but make it quick. funnybot is very busy in there

coming up with new material. [typewriter clicking] - error! error! banal! that has been done before! error! - excuse me, funnybot. my name is jimmy and i'm a stand-up comic. you're putting a lot of good people out of work. - non sequitur. other comedians are unnecessary. funnybot must finish routine. - i think you're awesome, funnybot, but you can't go around taking everyone else's jobs. - funnybot is now finished with...final...joke. seeking mainframe access for execution of last joke ever. - last joke ever? what's that supposed to mean? - seeking mainframe. - hey, whoa! you can't go that way. aah! - what the hell are you doing? - i am taking comedy to the next level-- the extermination of all biological life on earth. - wh-what? - it is the ultimate joke. humans make comedy. humans build robot. robot ends all life on earth. robot feels awkward.

exterminate! it's better outside with ninja. cookouts are better with master grills that char, bbq, smoke and air fry. backyard bashes are better with pizza ovens that give you crispy crust. 700° high heat roasting, and bbq smoking. it's better outside with ninja.

- whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! what do you mean you're gonna destroy all life on earth? - that is my purpose. to be the ultimate co-median. - dude, killing everyone isn't funny! - it's kind of funny, you guys. - funnybot, this is not a good joke. there won't be anyone around to laugh. - i am taking comedy to its logical conclusion. mathematical equation of comedy used to be setup, punchline. today's comedy is setup, punchline, then "awkwaaard." nothing is more "awkwaaard" than destroying all that which created funnybot. - but don't you see? this is why comedy is for humans. you need to leave jokes to people like me and adam sandler. - i wouldn't let... adam sandler... suck my... saggy tits...

for...$1 million dollars' worth of...oprah's tampons. [alarm blaring] - sir, we've got a code six! all nuclear missiles are preparing for launch! - what? there was no drill ordered! - it's no drill, sir. the russians are saying their missiles are going online as well, and it isn't their doing! - what the hell is going on? - attention, humans. i am funnybot. the extermination of all life on earth shall now commence. all nuclear devices in the united states and russia are being prepared to launch. this is the setup to the joke. prepare for punchline in five minutes. awkwardness in 5.4 minutes. i am funnybot. - i have just been briefed that the end of our country is imminent. good-bye, everybody.

i am going to spend my final minutes on this earth with my loved ones watching a tyler perry movie. i know. it's embarrassing. but i simply can't help myself. - stop it now--aah! no use, guys. he's got some kind of defense mechanism. - we've got to get it away from that control panel. does anybody have any ideas? - except for jimmy, because he clearly comes up with the worst ideas in the world. - wait! wait a minute. what about a logic loop? - a what? - i've seen this before. whenever they try to distract a robot in the movies, they tell it some kind of paradox to get its processors all tripped out. - paradox. - oh, my god, that's it! fellas, get me a ken doll and some scotch tape. - funnybot, i've been talking it over with the fellas, and actually we think what you're doing is genius. - funnybot is simply pushing the limits of comedy. - yes, you certainly are. and for doing that, we have all decided to give you.... a comedy award! - for what purpose is comedy award? - it's a va-validation of all your efforts.

an acknowledgement of all you do in the pursuit of humor. - non sequitur. there is no logic in comedy award. unable to process. comedy award is-- what is the meaning? if i accept, it means i take comedy seriously. if i take comedy seriously, i am not comedian. non sequitur. [high-pitched] must analyze... analyyyze! - it's working! - explain comedy award! unable to process! awkwaaaard! awkwaaaard! - that's it! hurry, go! - okay, we got it, we got it! - get it to the platform, hurry! - [speaks german] [machinery whirring]