- oh, sure. wait. hand them to me upside down, so i don't accidentally read them. - [whispering] okay. - thanks. - mm-hmm. - how did today go by the way? did you make any sales? - no, it was a total waste of time. um, it was fun, though, because i got to spend the day with andy bernard. he's really cool. - yeah, he is. - yeah, he is. - he's like the coolest person i've ever met. - that's...right. he's like marlon brando. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com - oh. do you mean marlon wayans? 'cause he is. - i actually do mean marlon wayans, yeah. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> jon: yeah! welcome to "the daily show!" my name is jon stewart. we've got a great show for you tonight. we've got a show -- you're going to be very excited that you tuned in tonight. i'll be talking to the great salman rushdie will be joining us later, about his new book, "knife." fabulous book and great surprises. but before that, it's a big day for donald trump. huge. his campaign for president was interrupted today by the trial about the other time he tried to run for president. let's check in on the latest in another installment of

"america's most tremendously wanted." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> the whole thing is a scam. >> jon: after a week of jury selection, today, it was finally time for opening statements. and it turns out the prosecution and the defense don't see eye to eye. >> the prosecution arguing that trump's alleged scheme to keep an adult film actress quiet is election interference, pure and simple, in those words. >> trump defense lawyer todd blanche told the jury that the former president, though, did not violate the law. >> jon: mm! that's right! it's the classic case of "the state of new york vs. nuh-uh." oh, no, you didn't. i think it's pretty clear, he did it. this trial will obviously be a test of the fairness of the american legal system. but it's also a test of the media's ability to cover donald trump in a responsible way, a task they have acknowledged they have performed

poorly in the past. >> i think to the degree that the media had lessons to learn in '16, they seemed to have been learned. >> it was irresponsible for cable news networks to give donald trump hours and hours of free air time. >> way too much speculation and liberal wishful thinking in attempts to connect dots that did not connect. >> it's the media's responsibility to not get distracted. >> i think we were much too busy chasing after shiny objects. >> all of us have learned some very valuable lessons from the last couple of years in delineating what's significant, what's important. >> jon: so brave. well done. and i think for this trial, we will see the seeds of that introspection bear fruit. or we will learn that learning curves are for pussies. >> here we go. >> it's on, it's happening, history will be made. >> shaping up to be the trial of the century. >> maybe the trial of the century. >> the trial of the century. >> what just might be the trial of the century.

>> the taxman is here, donald trump. >> he will finally be forced to face the music. >> the legal walls to closing in on donald trump. >> the legal walls to closing in on donald trump. >> jon: yes, this time, mr. bond, it truly is your doom! now if you'll excuse me, i'm going to leave this room. obviously, when i leave, i'm not going to press the button that opens all the doors and dismantles the killing machine i've established. don't follow me come by mr. bond. perhaps if we limit the coverage to the issues at hand, and try not to create an all-encompassing spectacle of the most banal of details, perhaps that would help! >> you're looking at live pictures in new york city of donald trump's motorcade. >> it's about a 20 minute drive between trump tower and the court building. >> trump leaving trump tower down fifth avenue. >> they're now making their way across town along 57th street. they just crossed park avenue

making their way up towards lexington avenue. >> he's heading down the fdr to the manhattan courthouse on chambers street. >> arriving at this intersection of american history with defiance. >> jon: arriving at the intersection of american history with defiance. the brilliant juxtaposing of the gravitas of the moment with simple traffic terms was... [chef's kiss] "arrived at the intersection of american history, where he put a quarter in the parking meter... of destiny. leaving the car, looking to avoid stepping in the urine puddle of jurisprudence." seriously, are we going to follow this guy to court every [bleep] day? are you trying to make this oj? it's not even a chase! he is commuting. so the media's first attempt at

self control failed. and i'm sorry to say that it didn't -- i'm sorry, hold on, we're getting breaking news. >> you know, he wanted to get a jury seated. so we had a lady -- >> i'm sorry to interrupt, i've just one second. i apologize. we're just showing the first image of donald trump from inside the courtroom. it's a still photograph that we're showing there. just want to make sure our viewers know what they're looking at. >> jon: yes, for our viewers who are just waking up from a 30-year coma, this is what donald trump has looked like every day for the past 30 years. the same outfit. so we have a photograph of donald trump in the courtroom! but do we really know what he looks like? the man is a mystery, a yeti, if you will. anything could be a deep-fake. do we have an eyewitness

account, perhaps from a dismissed juror? >> would you describe what you saw with donald trump, what you saw inside the courtroom? >> not very much. he was a bit ahead of me and off to the left. i didn't have a complete view of him today. [laughter and applause] >> jon: wait, did i have jury duty this week? what the [bleep]? brother? [bleep] dresses like me too.

this is -- anyway. coming up, more of our three-part interview with a guy who nearly saw donald trump in the courtroom. we have a photograph -- this is freaking me out, the picture. so we have a photograph and we have eyewitness accounts. do you have anything in a pastel? >> a courtroom sketch that we're getting in right now. i'm looking at the courtroom sketch and mr. trump looks like he is glowering. i'm not sure if that's supposed to be a glower or just a glance. i don't know how this -- it's art. it's not necessarily -- it's artistic journalism, but it's not a photograph. >> jon: why are you showing it to us? it is a sketch. why would anyone analyze a sketch as -- left wow it'd be like looking at the last supper and going, "would you say jesus looks sad here? what do you think? it's because of judas? can we interview one of the waiters at one of the tables from a different section of the restaurant who maybe actually

didn't see him? but you know, we got time to kill." i guess we'll never know. unless! we could talk to the person who drew the sketch! but do we have time? nothing but! >> christine cornell, she was in the courtroom today, the official sketch artist. i want to show one of your sketches today. we're going through some of them, but this one, it appears in this one that his eyes are closed. what was happening here? >> my apologies, ma'am. i was sitting 50 feet away. i was having such a struggle to try and get those eyeballs in. >> jon: damn it, woman! does donald trump have eyeballs or no, ma'am? does he or no? you were in the room! tell me! or i will not come to your trinket shop in newport! tell me!

[applause] what the [bleep] are we doing? "i notice here his head is perfectly round, why is that?" "well, i like drawing circles." at this point, you're probably saying to yourself, "how many television hours have they devoted to what donald trump, a man who has not been off any of our screens for more than 30 seconds in the last eight years, looks like?" the answer is: not nearly as many hours as describing his every move. >> trump craned his neck to eye perspective jurors and flashed a tight-lipped smile. >> leaning to the left a little bit, quiet, his arms crossed as well. >> hunched over with his elbows on the desk. >> looked through papers and periodically whispered to his attorneys. >> fidgeted and leaned back. a scowl fixed to his face while he sat squinting. >> he was actually biting his lip during today's proceedings. >> his lips pursed in that characteristic trump way. >> jon: "his eyeballs, gone. the hulking former president

stood up, slowly, he walked towards me, with a mixture of desire, scorn, and, let's call it, age-related confusion. it was then that i realized, that this former president of the united states has a front butt." look, at some point in this trial, something important and revelatory is going to happen, but none of us are going to notice because of the hours spent on his speculative facial ticks. if the media tries to make us feel like the most mundane bullshit is earth-shattering, we won't believe you when it really interesting! it's your classic boy who cried wolf blitzer. [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ look, it's a trial. it's boring. mostly. i've been on jury duty. and i can tell you -- that's not me! that's a different guy! why are you -- it's not me! it may be me. look, trials are a lot of procedural shit and side-conference and bars and "what's exhibit 372a" and "you're out of order this whole court is out of order!" look, the one person who has had the most normal reaction to the trial so far is donald trump. >> donald trump fell asleep on multiple days during his criminal trial. >> jon: as he should! i mean, he's been up since 2:00 a.m. rage-tweeting. he needs his anger sleep. look, we've got a long ways to go. it's the first day of the first of 438 trump trials to come. pace yourselves.

and if you're bored, you can always start planning how you're going to [bleep] up covering the next trial. and the sober mea culpa you'll deliver during his next term as president. because the kinds of things that you are talking about -- >> okay, okay, we get it! [cheers and applause] >> jon: what? i know that voice. who is that? oh, my god! oh, my god! oh, my god! it's jessica williams! jessica, how are you? are you down at the courthouse! are you there to give us a report? >> yes, i am! and here's my report: jon stewart hates fun. this trial rocks. why you gotta be all "get off my lawn" about it? >> jon: i don't necessarily sound like that. of course. as i was just explaining, the media has systematically failed

to contextualize -- >> oh, jon, please, you're killing me! my poor, sweet, naive, older-than-i-remember jon. >> jon: what? really? >> we need this messy bullshit spectacle. every other news story is a massive bummer. this trump trial is like an open window in a greyhound bus full of farts. why you trying to close the window, jon? why are you trying to make us smell farts? >> jon: i was just making points -- >> no, jon, you were making farts. >> jon: i would never do that! >> this is a gift! an extremely gross old man/former president might go to prison for banging a porn star and trying to pay her off. and you don't want us to cover that shit all day long? jon, the first witness is named david pecker. [laughter and cheering] i mean, it's david pecker. pecker is slang for wiener, jon! it's a pee-pee. it's a peeper.

>> jon: i got it. >> you know, a dongle. >> jon: when you say pee-pee. and then the peeper. wouldn't it be the of the pee-pee. >> different thing. >> jon: not trying to be the grammar police. >> i don't want to get in the weeds about it. i just want to be clear about the name david pecker and it has a double meaning and that meaning is for wiener. [cheers and applause] i am already tired! >> jon: i have missed you terribly. >> i have missed you terribly. shit. and then here you come, with your old-timey, high-falutin' media critique, ruining our good time. just like you ruined the 2012 "daily show" christmas party.

>> jon: i didn't ruin it! what's not fun about mocktails and tofurkey? i didn't ruin it! look, jess, i hear what you're saying, but i thought my commentary on the sketch artists was quite trenchant. >> oh, you wanna talk courtroom sketches? look at this! [cheers and applause] "wah, wah, wah, i miss walter cronkite. i have a pen and i scribble nonsense on my script before the show starts! oh, no, the mets lost again!" >> jon: jess, did you draw that of me? >> yeah, dude, 'cause it was fun to do! and people like fun, jon! damn. anyway, i should get going anyway. i think i see pecker across the street. >> jon: david pecker? >> i'm not sure whose penis it is, actually. good old new york! >> jon: jessica williams, everyone! [cheers and applause] when we come back, salman rushdie will be joining us, don't go away. [cheers and applause] jessica! [cheers and applause]

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to prove these three-row suvs were built for the unstoppable. kia. movement that inspires. [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a world renowned and best-selling author whose new book is called, "knife: meditations after an attempted murder." please welcome to the program salman rushdie. sir! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ nice to see you. >> nice to see you. >> jon: for its question, obviously, how are you? this was obviously a dramatic experience. how are you feeling? >> i am okay, surprisingly. >> jon: yes. >> sometimes there are great surprises. this is one. i'm pretty much recovered. >> jon: i have to say, i know it sounds peculiar to say this,

because of the traumatic experience that you endured. i love this book. >> thank you. [laughs] >> jon: it is a beautiful work of introspection. i feel like i know now how your mind works. you know, i have read other of your books. but you really do a wonderful job of taking us through how you think. >> yeah, it is weird how i think. >> jon: [laughs] [laughter] >> i mean, i have this kind of free associating mind, which goes from the moon to a movie to a book to a piece of mythology, to a joke. >> jon: i had to read this book with another book next to me to get to some of the references. but it is -- it allows you, sometimes he read an author's memoir and there is a certain self-consciousness to it. but maybe because this is about a traumatic incident, i feel

like your defenses were down and it was very revelatory. >> yeah, there is a subject. >> jon: right. >> i mean, what i felt is that it starts off, there is a love story, which turns into a murder story, which turns back into a love story. >> jon: yes. the love story, by the way, it is with his wonderful wife, eliza, who is really the hero may be of the book. >> no, i mean, she did a huge amount, i wouldn't be here in good shape without her. and plus, she is an amazing writer. >> jon: right. >> there is that too. i say with a certain amount of gritted teeth. >> jon: yes. >> [laughs] >> jon: is there competition in writerly families? >> not really. one of the nice things about this is there we are enormously supportive of each other's book. >> jon: i thought a really interesting part of the book is -- spoiler alert at the end -- when you go back to chautauqua. the famed community in upstate new york where they bring in

speakers where this unfortunate event happened. and you go back to revisit the scene of it, but also, the jail. >> yeah. >> jon: where they are holding this person that attacked you. >> yeah, it was a last-minute decision. we were on the plane flying up to -- because i have this desire to revisit the scene of the crime and show myself that i was standing up where i fell down. >> jon: right. >> sort of important for me. and on the flight up there, i thought, chautauqua is a really small town. and if he is in the county jail, how far is that from the institution? it turned out, it was like 5 minutes drive. i thought, let's go to the jail. >> jon: [laughs] i just -- it blows my -- but you didn't have a desire necessarily to see this individual. >> no, i just wanted to see the jail. [laughter] you get there, it is a really boring jail. [laughter] it is a little cellblock and a wall with some barbed wire.

but i thought, you know, he is in there, i am out here. that feels good. >> jon: you win. >> what happened is, a weird thing happened. my feet started dancing. >> jon: you were dancing. >> no, my feet were dancing. [laughter] >> jon: but what does that look like? shimmying but the body stays? >> eliza said, stop doing that. >> jon: i can't imagine, this gentleman glancing out the window for no apparent reason, going, is that the guy -- >> yeah, and he is dancing in the car park. [laughs] >> jon: you talk a lot about your thoughts about this gentleman and whether you wanted to confront him. there is actually a really wonderful section of it, almost like a socratic litigation that you do in four parts. >> yeah, i make him out. >> jon: you make him up. but you don't make him defenseless. >> no. >> jon: the litigation and the dialogue that you have with him is challenging. >> yeah. i thought, you know, you've got

to give the enemy and even break. if you are going to have a serious conversation, then it can't just be me yelling at him, telling him what a bad person he is, which i think. >> jon: . >> jon: yes. >> [laughs] >> jon: but he wasn't -- it makes you wonder about -- you spent since 1989, there is fatwa is put upon you and it is these fundamentalists, and these are religious extremists who have decided they are going to punish you for what ever their reasoning was. you write, though, that this gentleman is sort of a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy of that. >> he's 24. he wasn't even born when this thing happened. and he, by his own account, had read nothing i had written. and yet, he was willing to commit murder. i mean, that is stupid. >> jon: yes. [laughter and applause] >> jon: i wonder if you think of it -- does it strike you as a

change in fundamentalism? you know, you say he was radicalized by imam youtubi, he watched youtube videos. do you think his attack had more to do with john lennon's attack than a religious attack? >> i think in some ways, it is a very american attack. he spent four years in a basement playing video games and watching videos. and it kind of messed with his head. and also, i mean, he is born and bred and new jersey. >> jon: slow down. i think i know where this is going. >> well, you know, you are ahead of me. [laughs] but you know, we live in an america where people kill each other every 5 minutes. >> jon: right. >> i think maybe in his new jersey brain -- >> jon: [laughs] yes. that is how we describe it as well, by the way. "he's got that new jersey brain."

do you think that there is a shift -- you know, we think the fundamentalism as primarily a religious artifact. have the algorithms made fundamentalism something different from that? >> i think maybe they have. i am too old to no really, because algorithms don't know what to do with me. >> jon: right. give them a chance. >> no, i do. but they don't know what to do. so i am not algor algorithmicaly influenced, but people are. people are all the time. and yet, i mean, i think he was -- something happened in him which made it possible for him to decide to murder a total stranger. >> jon: right. >> and that has to be brainwashing of some type. >> jon: right. >> whatever you want to call it, but i call it brainwashing. >> jon: yeah, as i read the story, i started thinking, we are so used to this idea of

violence with a cause. this idea that there is something deep inside them that can almost be noble or understandable. this is not that. it struck me more as more and common with the school shootings we see here. >> yeah, exactly. >>on: or the other things, you were just this thing he saw. >> what a strange about it, first of all, he must have known that he was messing up his own life as well. >> jon: right! >> not just mine. >> jon: at 24. >> you know, the last thing he did before he got on the bus from fairview, new jersey, to chautauqua, the last thing he did, he canceled his gym membership. >> jon: what? [laughter] because he knew the prison had weights? >> he knew he wasn't coming back. why should he keep a standing order going? >> jon: wow! he is going through it, knowing, i don't need sirius radio anymore. so was he suicidal? or was he -- >> i don't know.

maybe we will find out, whenever, if this trial happens, we might find out more about him. >> jon: do you dread something like that? is that something is still visit you? >> no. if they need me to testify, i will go testify. and i will be in the courtroom with them. but my view is, he should be scared about being in the courtroom with me. [applause] >> jon: absolutely. absolutely. do you wonder sometimes, you know -- and this is not to get -- but you and i are both getting older. and you write a lot in the book -- >> speak for yourself. >> jon: settle down. i was just on jury duty, by the way. i don't know if you saw the picture of my doppelgaenger. but there is -- there is mortality. you write about martin amos and people that you have lost, even during the writing of this book, lost to cancer. you had a cancer scare in the

middle of rehabilitation. >> in the middle of all of this repair work, suddenly, apparently, i might have prostate cancer. i thought, that is not fair. >> jon: no! he writes come he goes to the doctor -- you can tell. >> i went to the doctor, and they are examining -- examining your prostate is not fun. >> jon: again, speak for yourself. it depends on if you have a jersey brain. [laughter] >> anyway, the first examination, they thought they found a bump on the prostate and then i had to have an mri scan. an mri scan grades from 1-5 and 5 is really bad. i came out to 4. it said cancer probable. and then it turned out that it was knocked probable, that it was a bump that had been caused by some other infection. >> jon: and a medicine that they had actually given you. >> exactly. and then a second doctor -- the

first doctor's boss -- also examined by prostate more thoroughly. >> jon: they lined up down the hallway? what are we doing here? >> no, this was very thorough. [laughter] but also, he was an indian doctor. he was a fan of mine. [laughter] >> jon: nothing more uncomfortable than that. >> extra thorough. he said, i think this might be caused by this other infection. so i had to go back and have another mri scan and it said 1-5, 1, no cancer. so i had cancer for two months and then i didn't. >> jon: it is so incredible, because you face this -- as you write in this book, this 27 seconds. it was just 27 seconds. and yet -- do you think about -- and pardon the question. do you think, does it matter how you die? as you watch your friends and you thought about your fate and

your brush with mortality, and then to have this cancer scare come i didn't you think it mattered how you die? >> i would prefer not to. >> jon: [laughs] i've got some bad news. it's coming for all of us. >> bad news for all of us. >> jon: . >> jon: yes. >> my wife eliza and i have decided we are planning our 100th birthday party, my 100th birthday party. it has to be a dance party. >> jon: yes. just your feet, though, not the whole body. >> so we have to decide who should d.j. >> jon: i will pick somebody. but it strikes me, because you, whether you want to dismantle or not -- and i am assuming you don't -- you represent something. you represent a courage under freedom of artistic expression, of the importance of artistic expression, and of the danger that artistic expression often visits upon the people who do

it. and it is a noble shield to carry but not an easy one, i don't imagine. >> not an easy one. there is bits of me that would prefer to be well known for being a good writer. >> jon: well, i have to tell you, i'm pretty sure that is in there too. >> is that in there? [cheers and applause] you know, and he to be, when i started out as a writer, when people would write about my books, they would mention that they were funny. and then, after the attack on the "satanic verses," everybody stop saying i was funny. >> jon: that book is satirical. >> everyone that reads it. i get two reactions to people who read it. one is, where is the dirty bit? we can't find it. >> jon: yeah. >> and the second is, who knew it was funny? and i say, people who read it. [laughter] >> jon: but it's -- you know,

with that on you, do you feel there is an idea that you have to wear that heroism? >> i don't know about that her wasn't but i think i have to be part of the fight. there is a fight about free expression in america too at the moment. and i feel like i'm in that fight. i have a dog in that fight. >> jon: what do you think, how the nature of fundamentalism has changed, and how that affects artistic expression? like even now when we see all the protests come up at columbia university, some students protests, others thinkt is going too far and they are threatening people. we are crossing all of those difficult lines. you spoke at the penn banquet last year, which is a consortium of writers and poets and a lot of people. truly defenders of free speech. >> yep. >> jon: i just got a text today. they have canceled -- >> they have canceled the prize giving because there's people

attacking them for not being sufficiently anti-israeli or pro-palestinian or something. and everybody is so angry right now that nobody can lessen or talk to anybody else. some people have shouted at each other. >> jon: there was a critic -- this is going to sound like a joke. a critic of taylor swift's new music album, "tortured poets society," they had to remove the critic's name from the critique because of death threats. >> because he didn't like the record? [laughter] >> jon: i didn't read it. because i love the record. of course, i don't want to hear any negativity. >> so do i, jon. >> jon: but it speaks to, in 1989, there was an ayatollah and a fatwa and a group of religious marketing mocks who delivered a law from high above and now we are all fundamentalists. >> everybody is an expert, everybody has an opinion.

>> jon: and hostility. >> hostility. the level of anger is crazy right now. >> jon: do you think of -- you know, you have a dog in the fight and that creative. how do we -- i think about this all a lot. how do we manage that and is not just a function of the algorithm? >> it might be. i think, to an extent, it is. frankly -- i'm glad you asked me because i don't have the answer to the world's problems. >> jon: it's actually on page -- what you were thoughtful enough and you have been through it enough that i know you have an opinion. >> yeah, i just think people have to get -- stop having such thin skins. you know, at the moment, we are all very easily offended, and what's more is we also believe that being offended is a sufficient reason for attacking something. >> jon: right. >> but actually, everything offends somebody. >> jon: always. >> always. occasionally you. >> jon: what? how dare you, sir!

i am offended! >> you see, and then if you go down that road, we can't talk to each other anymore. >> jon: right. but haven't groups always had a way of policing language or behavior? i think i am trying to, has my perspective changed on it or has the dynamic change? >> i think what happens is the temperature has risen. yes, of course, people have always disagreed and people have always said, you can't say this, you've got to say that. that is not new. what's new is the volume and the heat the heat. >> jon: right. >> so what do we do about taking down the volume and taking down the heat? that is the question. >> jon: again, not to make you the avatar of this but this is coming from a man who, because of threats from fundamentalists, had to basically alter your entire life. >> well, it did certainly have an impact, yeah. i mean, what is sad is that i actually got my life back really. i've been living in new york city going on for 25

years. >> jon: then you had made a decision, i am going to come out of this and make myself available. >> for 33 years, it was fine. you know, i was doing everything that writers do. book tours, readings, lectures. >> jon: i know. i am a writer. don't -- stop. i have been there with the coffee klatches and oprah. >> i haven't been with oprah. >> jon: none of us have. >> so it was a shock, when this thing out of a quarter of a century ago, more than that, 30 years ago, sort of came out of retirement at me. you know, i really was very surprised. >> jon: do you find yourself now. of that fear or is there still that ptsd? where is -- what does that do to you? >> well, nothing good. but it has now been, what, 20 months or something. i think i am pretty much back to myself at this point. >> jon: do you feel like you

are in that writing wear them again? has your mind started to dream again? >> let me finish this, jon. >> jon: by the way, let me tell you something. we don't have people on where i don't either, you know, read it or take a look -- it is such a beautiful and incredibly interesting and revelatory book. i really thank you for writing it to because you had to endure something awful, but your insight into that experience is really a remarkable gift. >> thank you. they want to give other people. >> and it's got funny bits. >> jon: a couple of fun events. [laughter] for a writer, not for a comic, for a writer. but it really is fantastic piece of work and i thank you for doing it. >> i think you. >> jon: the book is called "knife." it is available as we speak. salman rushdie. we are going to take a quick break and we'll be back right

after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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four sauces, your choice of four regular sides, four biscuits, and four small drinks for just $25! you can feed the whole family at a price you're gonna love! ♪ love that chicken from popeyes ♪ we're up against some really bad guys. at a price you're gonna love! ha, ha, ha. they're... [ whistling ] i had to do some jason bourne stuff. ♪ ♪ that's pretty cool actually. so cool. one last stunt. going down in a blaze of glory. ya know like thelma and louise. they die at the end. exactly. oh, amazing. watch this. look at the salt on that dressed dos equis. after two billion years underground, that salt could've ended up in a half-empty box in a half-empty pantry. but now, it's lucky enough to find itself circling an authentic mexican dos equis.

(♪♪) congratulations, salt. from where you sit now, (♪♪) it's clear your patience paid off handsomely. [cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show for tonight! before we go, let's check in with your hosts for the rest of the week, ronny chieng and jordan klepper! [cheers and applause] come on, y'all! what do you got for the people this week's? >> well, there's a lot of news to cover, and personally, i'll be looking at it all through the lens of my white privilege. >> yes, and i'll be lending my insight on what matters the most to the asian community. >> i'll be very leftist and anti-trump. >> while i'll be offering an angry, "everyone-is-stupid" counterpoint. >> jon: i don't want to say anything but i think you are reading each other's lines. >> saw that. >> [bleep]. >> it's too late, we've got to

commit to it now! >> look at me, i am jordan klepper! i'm making fun of trump supporters, they're so dumb and i'm so smart and tall! >> right. "i'm short and mad and asian!" >> jon: thank you, looking forward to it. now here it is, your "moment of zen." [cheers and applause] >> so the legal walls are starting to close in on donald trump. >> the walls once again begin to close in on donald trump. >> of the walls are closing in on trump. >> more walls are closing around him than ever before. >> we have been saying the walls are closing in for two years but it feels like they are actually closing right now. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> sorry. ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park ♪

♪ gonna leave my woe's behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ ♪ headed on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ( mumbling ) ♪ so come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ and so these ancient arrowheads are buried deep down in the earth's crust. we dig them up, polish them off and find over 12 new arrowheads every month. ♪ boring eric, keep quiet, i'm trying to sleep ! now can anybody tell me who left these arrow heads here ? isn't that yourjob ? yes, but i want to see if you're learning anything. oh. let's all grab our little anthropology pick-axes that were handed out and we'll dig for our very own indian arrowheads. ( cheering ) ♪ day's never finished ♪ ♪ master got me working ♪ ♪ someday master set me free ♪ dude, shut up cartman ! oh, oh ! i think i found one.

no,ifound it. i do believe i found it first. no i did, pip. oh, dear. i guess we'll have to "roshambo" for it. what do you mean ? first i kick you in the nuts as hard as i can, then you kickmein the nuts as hard as you can. and we keep going back and forth until somebody falls. the last one standing gets the arrowhead. oh, well, i suppose if i must. okay, ready ? i'll go first. oooh ! well, i guess you win. i don't care, you can have the stupid arrowhead. i don't want it. ♪ day is never finished ♪ ♪ master got me working ♪ hey look, i found another one. this is just a stupid triangle. whoa, check it out, dude. it's got little drawings on it. what is it ? i don't know. whoa, that was cool ! hey give me that back ! you threw it away, cartman, it's mine now. we'll "roshambo" for it. no way fatty, it's mine. anthropologist !

how's it going boys ? i found a magic triangle and this greedy sonofabitch took it from me ! you threw it away fatso ! let me see that. this is anasaziwriting. my god, this must be thousands of years old ! c'mon, let me kick you in the nuts for it ! and finally tonight, a young boy from south park, colorado found something very interesting during a field trip today. here with a special report, is a quadriplegic swiss man on a pony. thanks tom, the little 8-year-old was very shocked indeed when he came across a very ancient triangular object. well i was just digging around. i was like, "dude, i found this triangle." and my friends were like, "dude." and i was all, "dude." and i told him, i said, "kyle, i will kick you in the nuts." but he didn't give it back to me. so i kicked him square in the nuts. and he cried like nancy kerrigan. you liar ! screw you, triangle thief ! and so the little boy will take his discovery home and perhaps donate it to science a little later. back to you, dave. thanks tom, those are some cute cute kids, except for that last one, he's a little tubby. hey ! what are you gonna do with it ? i'm gonna put it in my room where cartman can't find it.

i'll find it, don't worry ! goddamnit ! give me my triangle ! kyle, seriously ! you did throw it away, cartman. i was just setting it aside. you might as well let it go. never ! i'll get that triangle if it's the last thing i do ! give me a little bit of that pepper. give me a little bit of that salt. put it in the skillet and cook it-- excuse me, sir. hey, you'e that movie critic guy on tv. leonard maltin, yes. well i'll be a teen-age girl backstage at an aerosmith concert. leonard maltin inmycafeteria. i'm chef. i know who you are. you must listen to me chef. we have precious little time. have you seen barbra streisand recently ? barbra streisand ? you mean like thebarbra streisand ? have you seen her ?! no, not since "yentl" thank god, then i'm not too late. too late for what ? chef, it is of the utmost importance that you tell me where those little boys from the news report on tv are. why doyoucare ? i have a button we can use for his nose. ( mumbling ) what we will use a marble sack for ?

be careful where you put that carrot, kyle might steal it. i didn't stealanything. stan, would you tell kyle that i'm not speaking with him ? good ! what's that noise ? whoa ! aliens ! who is the boy i saw on the news report tonight ? hello there little boy. do you know who i am ? no. i bet you do. ♪ i'm going-- stop that ! ♪ where there's lucky clovers in the-- ♪ that sucks dude. i'm barbra streisand ! so ? so ?! i'm a very famous and very important individual. like john elway important ? what ?! do you know john elway ? no ! you're famous and important but you don't know john elway. look, little boy, i understand you found a little triangle near here. you know what i'm talking about ?

yeah. no, i found it, he stole it ! you threw it away, cartman ! i'm not talking to him because he's a dirty thief. little boy, does the triangle have a symbol of two snakes joined at the middle ? yeah, how'd you know ? okay, now this is very important. where is the triangle of zinthar now ? triangle of zinthar ? why do you want to know, lady ? i'm not talking to you, you pissant little hick ! whoa, dude ! where is the triangle, damnit ?! what seems to be theproblemohere ? problemo ? there's no problemo officer. i was just introducing myself to these charming little boys. she's being a total bitch ! boys, shouldn't you be in school ? it's saturday. no excuses ! move along, you little troublemakers ! well ? well, what ? you know who i am, don't you ? well, you ain't fiona apple. and if you ain't fiona apple, i don't give a rat's ass. what a bitch !

i guess he's not home, leonard maltin. damn ! then we must look for them elsewhere. c'mon man, what is this all about ? if barbra streisand saw the same news report i did, then those boys are in grave danger. if you were barbra streisand where would you be right now ? hmm... no, no, i mean where would she be staying ? i always heard that mrs. streisand had her own four million dollar condominium up near the ski slope. where ? i don't know, it was just a rumor. damnit man, where's your car ? he has it, milo. that little bastard has the triangle. are you sure ? i'm sure ! he knew about the symbol of kru-luck ! then why don't we go get it ? a cop showed up, he's a clever one. i can't blow everything now that i'm this close. everything must be handled very carefully. how many years has it been, milo ? 30, 40 ? for so long i have waited to find the other triangle.

and now i am so close. the dawn of zinthar is close at hand. ( evil laugh ) norman, bad news... i never graduated from med school. what? but the good news is... xfinity mobile just got even better!

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( baby talk ) ( glass breaking ) cartman ? you scared the crap out of me, ike ! what the hell are you doing ? i'm trying to get my tri-- wait a minute, i'm not talking to you. ike, will you tell kyle that i was trying to get my triangle back ? ( baby talk ) well ike, you can tell cartman that it's my triangle ! ( baby talk ) you tell kyle that he's a dirty goddamn sonofabitch ! ( loud baby talk ) alright, alright ! if it means that much to you, take the stupid triangle. if it will make you leave me alone, then just take the damn thing, here ! there, now get out of my house. and i hope you feel really, really good about yourself. yeah, dude, i got the triangle. ♪ i got the triangle, i got the triangle ♪ ♪ you don't, you don't ♪ are you sure barbra streisand has a condo up here ? it was just a rumor. a lot of big celebrities have mountain condos. then we've got to keep looking. leonard maltin, this has gone far enough. i ain't driving another mile

until you tell me what this is all about. haven't you ever been curious about the insanity barbra streisand exhibits ? well, i always heard she was kind of a bitch. more than a bitch, chef. she's a calculating, self-centered, egotistical bitch. she was born in a small town, her mother was a jackal and her father was an insurance salesman. ooh, insurance salesman ? when she was five she knew that she wanted to be a famous singer. but by the time she was six her ambitious became to rule the universe. she learned of an ancient diamond, the diamond of pantheous okay, you know what ? nevermind. i don't need to know all this, forget i asked. before she was seven the keepers of pantheous learned of this insane little girl's wish. the diamond was split up and buried at opposite ends of the world. but then, during the shooting of "my fair lady", barbra streisand found one of the triangles. and the other triangle is the one that little kyle has ? yes, mr. chef. if babs gets ahold of that other triangle she will fulfill her prophecy and become the most threatening thing ever known to mankind, mecha streisand. mecha streisand ? i don't know what the hellthatmeans but it doesn't sound good.

the bus sure is late. i wonder what i should do with my triangle. now that it is mytriangle. damnit, i gave it to you so you would shut up ! oh, hello there, little boys. how are you today ? fine. that is great. my name is mrs. jones. and i am a very friendly, nice person. i hear that one of you found my triangle. your triangle ? yes, you see, that triangle is part of my kidney dialysis machine. i'm so glad you found it because without it i was sure to die within hours. oh, no you don't, finders keepers ! but i'll die. i guess we'll have to "roshambo" for it. i'll kick you in the nuts as hard as i can, then you kick me in the nuts as hard as you can. i want to give you a big cash reward for finding it. it's worth a lot of money to me. it is ? no wonder that barbra streisand lady wanted it. oh... who isthat?

oh, just this really, really old lady who wishes she was still only 45. yeah and you should've seen her nose. it was big enough to land stealth bombers on. yeah, and talk about a bitch, i haven't seen-- enough ! oh, ha-ha. anyway, if you'll come with me in my car, i'll take you up to my condo where i'll kill you. i mean, give you money for the triangle. sweet, i'm gonna be rich ! bet you wish you didn't give me back that triangle now. dumb ass ! isn't there a rule about not getting in cars with strangers ? ( cartman ) not when money's involved, stupid. and, action. rebecca, i'm a man. a man like any other with dreams and emotions. that's why i'll never put a foreign object up my ass. cut, great ! print that. thanks, sid. take five guys, let's set up for the next shot. ( together ) hello ! you must hurry,