- well, congratulations. - yeah, congratulations. - you know, i feel like i can start anew. if it's all right with you, i will like to go back to teaching the third grade! - oh, i'm sorry, we don't hire gay people. [laughing] ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your hosts, jordan klepper and ronny chieng! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> ronny: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm ronny chieng. and he's jordan klepper. >> jordan: i actually am! and we've got so much to talk about tonight. congress finally passes a bill. tennessee teachers are getting strapped. and pickleball is coming for your family. so let's get into the headlines. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's begin with the a major announcement from the president of the united states. >> it is a good day for america, it's a good day for europe, and it's a good day for world peace. >> jordan: ooh, a good day for world peace! i've wanted one of those! i wonder what happened. did the nations of the world finally band together to outlaw war? did they finally buy everyone in the world a coke?

is there finally peace between kendrick and drake? what is it? >> moments ago at the white house, president biden signed a long-awaited aid package for ukraine, israel, and taiwan into law. >> in total, about $95 billion will go toward assisting ukraine and israel's war efforts and money to counter china's aggression in the indopacific. >> jordan: oh. oh. "world peace." okay, okay. is peace the one with the tanks? is that the one? i went to public school. that wasn't funded because they spent all that money on "peace." [applause] >> ronny: may be the president is being sarcastic. like, "it's a good day for world peace, everybody." >> jordan: right, right, yes, yes. yes, after months of delay,

president biden today signed a military aid package for ukraine, israel, and taiwan. yes, taiwan. now, they're not at war yet, but you got to book a reservation in advance just to save your spot. and even though this bill passed easily, it had been held up for six months because right-wing republicans threatened to kick speaker mike johnson from office if he helped ukraine. but now that he let it go through, everyone's been talking about him like this. >> i applaud speaker johnson's courage. >> what you're witnessing here is moral courage. >> a profile in courage is putting the nation above yourself. and that's what he did. >> not only put this up for a vote, but he also separated the bills, which i thought was courageous. >> did the right thing. >> made his own decision. >> made his own decision. >> put his job on the line. >> what do we call that? >> and that's courage >> profile in courage. >> in this case, that's courage. >> jordan: it's courage, ronny. >> ronny: it's courage. courage. courage. the word is courage.

>> jordan: profile encourage. >> ronny: courage. >> jordan: courage. >> ronny: so courage! >> jordan: thank you. >> jordan: so apparently, mike johnson is the hero here. sure, a couple of ukrainian cities fell while he decided whether or not to be courageous, but he got around to it! i mean, we're always praising the first responders, but what about the eventual responders, huh? the ones who jump in their fire truck and say, "hey! let's stop for froyo on the way?" where's their ticker tape parade? i salute you, mike johnson. i mean, not now, but six months from now, i'll work up the courage to do it. [cheers and applause] but moving on. because with all this money congress is sending overseas, you might be wondering, "hey, when does ronny get a little taste of this, hmm? when is the government going to do a little something for me?" >> the biden administration revealing new airline passenger rights protecting folks from

hidden fees and other frustrations of flying like the refund policy for flight delays. >> passengers must now get automatic cash refunds when a flight is canceled for any reason or delayed by more than three hours for domestic flights more than six hours for international. >> ronny: okay, cash refunds. okay, that's something. >> jordan: yeah, i'm always having airplane delays. >> ronny: yeah, that is pretty good, but that's only a small part of the problem. what about when airplanes make you change airports or add connections? they're always trying to screw you over! >> if the airline changes any of your airports, adds connections, downgrades your seat, or even changes the plane to one that's less accessible to those with disabilities, those are all new reasons for cash refunds. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: i am cautiously optimistic. you've got my attention. it is pretty good. in fact, it feels a little too good to be true.

hey, i guess all i got to worry about is losing my luggage and shitty wi-fi. >> if your checked bags aren't delivered within as little as 12 hours or your wi-fi doesn't work, you're entitled to refunds. >> ronny: this is the greatest thing the government has ever done in history! >> jordan: i mean, the new deal -- >> ronny: in history! >> jordan: sure. >> ronny: jordan, the man is refunding you for wi-fi in the sky that doesn't work! what more could you want? >> jordan: still got to fix that thing with the doors falling off mid-flight. >> ronny: we'll get to that! but thank you, joe biden, thank you for making my life better. now just bring back "roe v. wade" so i don't have to sit next to a crying baby on a red eye. [cheers and applause] okay, you are going to cheer for that. >> jordan: but let's move on to a problem that america hasn't solved: gun violence. a lot of people think the answer is reducing the amount of guns, but tennessee lawmakers are going in the opposite direction.

>> chaos erupting in tennessee state capitol, where lawmakers just passed a bill that would allow teachers to carry concealed handguns in schools. if signed by the governor, the tennessee law would allow teachers to carry guns in schools where top administrators agree. the teachers would be required to have a permit, do training, and get a background check and mental health evaluation. >> jordan: congratulations! now your shop teacher is going to have two stories about how he accidentally lost a finger. >> ronny: look, can the students at least vote on which teacher gets the gun? my gym teacher was already on a massive power trip and all he had was a whistle. so. >> jordan: for more on the new tennessee law, we go live to the statehouse in nashville with grace kuhlenschmidt. [cheers and applause] grace, aren't legislators worried that giving teachers guns will just lead to more gun violence? >> no, you silly scarecrow of a

man. the lawmakers here are putting teachers through a lot: training, permits, background checks, mental health evaluations. you don't want to give teachers guns without making sure they're responsible! >> jordan: that actually raises a good point, grace. if they're going to require teachers to go through all that why don't they require it for every gun owner? >> i'm not following. >> jordan: i'm just saying, if all that training is good for teachers, it's equally good for all gun owners. >> but they aren't all teachers. >> jordan: right, yes, but they all own guns. >> rock 'n' roll! good for them! >> jordan: no, i'm not -- hold on, let me try again. let's say you walk into my classroom. >> hello, mr. slenderman. >> jordan: okay, fine. now, you see i have a gun. how do you feel? >> i'm glad because i know that

you received firearms training. >> jordan: okay, now instead, you walk into my bar, and you see i have a gun. now how do you feel? >> you're my teacher, why do you own a bar? i -- i guess i'll have a beer. i'm only in 8th grade though! >> jordan: i did not make you an eighth grader! that's not what i said! >> ronny: jordan, your analogies are stupid. okay, let me try. grace, so you know how everybody needs a license to drive a car? >> no, you don't. who's checking? >> ronny: the government? >> they're all in d.c. i'm up here. >> ronny: yeah, she's not she's not getting it. >> wait, hold on. let me try to do one, okay? okay, you know how on "love is blind," there's two different people? and they talk to each other without seeing each other but then eventually the walls come down and they see if they're still in love? >> jordan: yeah? >> jordan: may be, okay. >> that's a great show. >> ronny: what is the analogy?

>> oh, that's what you guys were doing? i thought we were just making up situations. >> jordan: grace, we're saying if teachers need training to have a gun, then it's only fair if the entire population has training to have a gun. >> you're right! it doesn't make sense that some people should get training while other people don't get training. let's make it fair and remove the training for everyone. >> ronny: oh, my god. [bleep]. >> jordan: we were so close. >> we were! >> jordan: grace kuhlenschmidt, everybody. [cheers and applause] when we come back, michael kosta takes on his greatest enemy. [cheers and applause]

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chest and even your... toes? that's not your toes. oh that's fresh! ♪♪ ♪ (old spice mnemonic) ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome back to "the daily show." now that spring is here, people are back outside having fun again. whether it's sneezing in the park, or sneezing in a cafe, or dodging angry stares from a mother whose child you sneezed on at the playground. >> ronny: but there's one activity that michael kosta wants you to stop enjoying. >> hi. i am michael kosta. "the daily show" correspondent and intrepid journalist. but this story is not about me. it's about him. michael kosta, former professional tennis player, once ranked 864 in the world. because right now, there is a serious threat to tennis enthusiasts like him/me.

i am talking about pickleball. and it needs to be stopped. >> now the battle over court space between tennis and pickleball players continues. both he was the tennis courts and both are fighting for space. >> pickleball is the fastest growing sport. sorry to the tennis players. it's on its way out. >> to discuss the monstrosity these picklers are posing on my beloved sport, i sat on the legendary professional tennis champ mcenroe. >> you cannot be serious! >> no, not that one. the other one. his brother, patrick, also a former tennis champion and current sports commentator. from one pro to another, tell me what you are a pro. we've crossed paths many times. i said high back to you at tournaments and stuff. >> were you a ball boy? >> i was ranked 864th in the world. >> your ring to that high? >> i made $11,000 over four years. let's talk about pickleball. i can't believe you didn't know who i was. >> the thing that annoys me

about it, michael, the pickleball courts are taking over 35% or so of the tennis courts here in the u.s. and in canada. hey, get off our tennis turf! >> let's just discuss the differences. here's a can of tennis balls. is there anything better than this? you ready to listen to this? >> i am here. >> yeah. >> we love the smell. >> oh, my god, it is like a fine wine. >> let's contrast that with t this. >> oh, my god. but the hell is that? >> this looks like an old guy's ball sack. because you can't compare the two. it is loud, obnoxious. tennis is excellent, it is classy. look at tennis. isn't that a beautiful thing to watch? and then pickleball. >> it is like a car crash. what is the solution for the turf wars? >> the great martina navratilova said, build your own pickleball courts. and the truth is, pickleball, get out of my yard! >> one person who need to take

that note is this guy. he may look like a yodel or on a bike but don't be fooled. every morning, he electronically peddles his little pickleball back to set up his little pickleball nuts on our turf, and he is known as albert the pickleball doctor. >> why do you think that pickleball deserves to over take a tennis court? >> i think that you guys have too many tennis courts. you can have two pickleball courts and a tennis court. >> so is your answer than to eliminate tennis courts for pickleball? >> that is a good idea. ♪ ♪ >> you are unhinged. >> and worse than pickleball is their terminology. >> i am hearing kitchen, dink, dill, it a sport or a food truc? >> it is more universal than tennis. >> tennis doesn't have stupid made up words, reduce, love is

when you are tied. >> why don't you just try it? >> you want me to try? you know what that means to someone who is 864 in the world? >> i will whip your butt but. >> i was here geriatric as as in the kitchen. >> tick-tock, baby. >> welcome what is sure to be a waste of everyone's time but here we are. i am patrick mcenroe reporting live. >> due to losing a pet to cover a most unanticipated game of pickleball. on one side, we have the handsome and the one at halftime employee of the month at "the daily show," michael kosta. okay, clearly, he rode this. he'll be playing against albert, doctor of pickleball. and what is this? he's got a twin? will kosta go for the obvious double stroke? >> so i guess, doubles as literally doubles?

>> it's my twin brother gil. >> i got my own secret weapon. ronny! ronny! ronny? >> what? >> let's go, dude! >> where are the pickles? >> we are playing pickleball. >> you said there will be food. >> and for his doubles partner, kosta has ronny chieng who seems to have been tricked into being here. that makes two of us. >> it why is it two at the same people? >> that was a surprise for me too. >> so here we go, kosta and chieng versus the pickle twins. and kosta blows it. ah let's go! we can't lose to the double meant twins! we got to win! ah! take that, grasshopper! >> never before in the history of commentating have i heard more vicious words spoken in a court.

>> [bleep] these guys. >> ah! >> let's go! >> [bleep] these guys! >> take it! >> oh, my god, this changes everything. >> i've never had sriracha mayo on a sandwich before. what is the score? >> i hope you brought your feeding tube. i will be shoving shit down your throat every day. >> that's what i'm talking about! >> finally, they are coming together as a team. >> michael, i think you are having fun here. >> no! yes! yes! i am not having fun. >> 3-2. nobody, i mean nobody saw this coming. because nobody is even watching. >> yes! ah! >> that is a legal! you are disqualified! >> i'm not disqualified. shut up. get out of here! >> grasshopper! >> let's go. they disqualified us. let's go. >> that's okay. i will meet up with you later. hey, you guys want to keep going?

♪ ♪ >> there are no winners in this game tonight. in fact, i think it is safe to say come after watching this game, we all feel like a loser's. this is patrick mcenroe reporting from what surely is the rock bottom of my career. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: thank you, michael kosta. when we come back, representative andy kim will be joining us on the show, so don't go away. [cheers and applause] chipotle's braised beef barbacoa might be our best kept secret. slow cooked responsibly raised beef. seasoned with garlic and cumin.hand-shredded for fall off the fork tenderness. chipotle's braised beef barbacoa.

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do you guys think we come here too much? ♪ your cousin from boston ♪ summer ale! octoberfest! winter lager! cold snap! nah! it's sam season [cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome back to "the daily show." our guest tonight is a third-term congressman from new jersey who is running for

u.s. senate. please welcome representative andy kim! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> ronny: thank you! nice to see our asian representative. >> thank you. >> ronny: andy kim, house of representatives. you are currently running for senate to replace the previous guy in new jersey who got caught with gold bars in his house. >> that's right. that is a big no-no in politics. >> ronny: what do you have against gold bars? >> yeah, apparently, i am anti-gold bars. >> ronny: anti-federal reserve guy? >> ouch, this is getting a heated interview right out of the gate. [laughter] >> ronny: you are running for senate. >> it's not something i planned to do. i'm a three term member of the

house of representatives, i've got a 6-year-old and 8-year-old, two little boys at home. i was not planning to take on a statewide election. but look, right now, i am sure the audience feels it too. we live in the time of the greatest amount of distrust of the government in modern american history. 84% of new jersey believe that their politicians are corrupt. >> ronny: well, they were kind of validated. [laughter] [applause] >> you are wondering what is wrong with the other 16%? >> jordan: are they just not that educated? [laughter] >> look, we have to -- i believe that the opposite of democracy is apathy. if people give up on this. if they feel like they are elected officials are not in it for the right reasons. so i feel like at this critical moment, we have to restore a sense of integrity back into our politics and try to do our best to give the people of new jersey a choice.

>> jordan: you talk about this feeling in america right now. we feel very divided. but in the house, you guys just had -- you just passed this bipartisan bill. funding for ukraine, taiwan, the tiktok bill in there as well. mike johnson seemed to want to cross the aisle and work with you guys. what is this? is this the beginning of some sort of bipartisan coalition or is this a one-time spring fling? >> [laughs] look, i think what he realized is he has no other choice. he can either be a speaker that gets zero things done for the entire time that he is speaker. everything that he has done, whether it is passing our government's funding or anything else, it has required us to -- on the democrat side to be there with him. basically, he and hakeem jeffries are cospeakers of the house right now. there is nothing that the speaker of the house johnson can get done without hakeem jeffries and the democrats. [cheers and applause] so it is out of necessity that way. i hope that there are some places where we can find some agreement, but i'll be honest

with you, i am not holding my breath. we will see where things go. but you all see it. i basically work in the world's worst reality tv show. you know, it is just -- >> ronny: [laughter] speaking of that, you are on the ground there. presumably, you talk with these people every day, if not all the so when you are talking to your best friend matt gaetz, for example -- >> jordan: you did say that. >> ronny: your friend matt gaetz -- >> edit that out. >> ronny: when you are talking, is there some kind of, like, we put the cameras off right now, let's just talk? or is it always just, you know, this guy is always on? everyone is always on, even in private meetings, everyone is still yelling about jewish space lasers? >> [laughs] when i came into congress, i had a lot of people ask me, do they really believe what they say? when i first came in, i kind of came up with three categories. traditional there are sort of the traditional conservatives, of which there are very few of them left. there are the crazies and you can mad libs fill in the blank whatever name you want. and then there are the cowards.

the people who know better but just for their own purposes of staying in their jobs, they continue on. i will be honest with you, just in the five and half years that i've been in congress now, there are a lot more crazies than even when i started. and it is really alarming. i mean, some of them really do believe this. and i remember it, on the night of january 6 when we came back into the house of representatives after the insurrection, hearing their speeches, watching them, only a few feet from them, i could tell, some of them really do believe it. the big lie. they have bought into this. they are feeding it. that is what i find so scary right now. my first boss in government, he had this line. he said, you don't have good government unless you have good people working in government. right now, if you have a government that is filled with egotistical, narcissistic, power-hungry people, you will have an egotistical, narcissistic, power-hungry government. so we have to try to find a way to be able to stop it, but part of their plan is to try to make

government so toxic, politics so toxic that reasonable, decent people don't want to participate. that just leaves it for them. [applause] >> ronny: thank you for your time. as far as what i'm hearing from you, i just think that we need more asian people to be running. [cheers and applause] representative andy kim, everybody! we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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what's up, auntie? did you get the basketball shoes i need for tryouts this weekend? oh, dude. i'm not going to be able to make it to dick's this week. you can just click on dicks.com. dicks dot... co-o-o-om! ahh! oh, welcome to dicks.com. let me guess. you need to get the gear to save the day? wow, they're beautiful. [cheers and applause] >> jordan: that's our show for tonight, but before we go: please consider donating to everytown for gun safety. they work with local, federal, and state governments to end gun violence and build safer communities. >> ronny: if you want to support them in this work, please donate at the link below. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> trying to deal with covid, he said just inject a little bleach in your veins. he missed it. it all went to his hair. [audience reacts] look, i shouldn't have said that. >> sorry.

- ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ so come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ all: ♪ i walk hand in hand with jesus ♪ ♪ over at the park by where he lives ♪ ♪ i tell him all my problems and sometimes he tells me his ♪ ♪ what a friend i have in jesus ♪ ♪ i can say that honestly ♪ ♪ he's unlike all my other friends ♪ ♪ who really don't care about me ♪ ♪ amen ♪ - boring. - and now mr. mackey will read his favorite psalm for us, psalm 46. - "god is our refuge and strength," mkay?

"a very present help in trouble," mkay? - [whispering] hey, you guys, you want to know what my favorite psalm is? "it's a man's obligation to stick his boneration "in a woman's separation. "this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation." - "god is in the midst of her," mkay? "she shall not be moved," mkay? - [whispering] wait, wait, wait. "it's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in the woman's--" - "it's a man's obligation to stick his boneration "in a woman's separation to increase the population of the younger generation." - [mumbling] - no, no, it's her separation. - "it's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's--" - boys! you are in church! - oh! - "the god of jacob is our refuge," mkay? - thank you, mr. mackey. hello, everyone. today we are going to talk about hell. [ominous organ music] hell is not a very nice place. burning, searing flames, screaming, torture for eternity. once you are in hell, you cannot escape. you live forever in horrible pain and burning agony. all sinners are there in misery, dying over and over and over. if you be cast down into this black bog of stench,

then woe is thou, for satan has made it the most miserable place in the universe. and he will be your ruler! your ruler of pain and agony! [hawaiian music plays] all: ♪ oh, we're going to the hukilau ♪ ♪ the huki, huki, huki, huki, hukilau ♪ ♪ oh, we're going to the hukilau ♪ ♪ the huki, huki, huki, huki, huki, hukilau ♪ ♪ everybody loves the hukilau ♪ - i do. all: ♪ where the laulau is the kaukau at the luau ♪ ♪ we throw our nets out into the sea ♪ ♪ all the 'ama'ama come a-swimming to me ♪ ♪ oh, we're going to the hukilau ♪ ♪ the huki, huki, huki, huki, hukilau ♪ women: ♪ oh, we're going to the hukilau ♪ men: ♪ the huki, huki, huki, huki, huki, hukilau ♪ women: ♪ everybody loves the hukilau ♪ all: ♪ where the laulau is the kaukau at the luau ♪ ♪ we throw our nets out into the sea ♪ ♪ all the 'ama'ama come a-swimming to me ♪ ♪ oh, we're going to the hukilau ♪ ♪ the huki, huki, huki, huki, hukilau ♪ ♪ luki-luki-lau ♪