so, after a great deal of thought and introspective-shun, i have decided to make jim my new number two. if he even wants it. it doesn't come with a pay raise. no, it does, actually. so who will be your new number three? uh, that i have not decided yet. michael, i would just like to say that you have handled this entire situation with great aplomb. thank you, andy. that's very kind. and i have to say that your leadership-- shut it. shut it. that's... [whispers] suck-up. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jordan klepper!

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> jordan: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm jordan klepper. we've got so much to talk about tonight. vladimir putin somehow wins re-election, new yorkers are getting paid to snitch, and we find out if donald trump is good at sex. he's not. so let's get into headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's kick things off with last now the magical night when the world's most fashionable cultural icons try to figure out how the [bleep] they're going to fit their spikey headdress into an uber pool. >> on fashion's biggest night, garden-inspired looks on full display, right in bloom with this year's dress code, the garden of time. >> fans tried to figure out which star was fully covered head to toe in a floor-length beige umbrella. >> now this is singer tyla.

so many people talking about this, she had to be carried up the stairs of the met. the dress, which was made of sand, was simply too heavy. >> jordan: okay, okay! a dress made of sand is super impressive. "who are you wearing?" "coney island. thank you very much." i like how she had four people carry her up the stairs. i bet joe biden saw that and turned to the secret service like, "let's just do that from now on." but the true glam-heads weren't paying attention to the met gala, because the real action last night was in moscow where vladimir putin held an opulent inauguration that just screamed definitely not a dictator for life. >> we continue to watch live pictures from moscow where vladimir putin begins his fifth term as russian president. the strong man has already been in office for nearly a quarter century. putin's new term doesn't end until 2030, and at that point,

he'll be eligible to run for another six years it if he wants. it's been a lavish and opulent ceremony there in moscow. >> jordan: come on, vlad! you can't show up to all this in a suit! come on. they've got the wizards and the golden walls, and you're walking in like you're late from the office, man? how do you think merlin over here feels? he's like, "i went full hogwarts over here and now i feel like a [bleep] dick, vlad! you act like you don't even want to be here, but this is your whole thing! i mean, i'm not criticizing you, you're the one with the poison, but still! we could've done this over zoom!" let's move on to america's vladimir putin: donald trump. it's now week four of the trump trial, and boy, time flies when you're constantly falling asleep in court, doesn't it? but i can guarantee you, trump didn't nap during today's

testimony. which brings us to our latest installment of "america's most tremendously wanted." ♪ ♪ >> the whole thing is a scam. >> jordan: today was the biggest day yet in the trial of donald trump, because today, stormy daniels herself took the stand. and you could tell from the start that the coverage was going to be... delicate. >> right now in the courtroom, our reporters in there are sending us notes, updates every second that they can and mr. trump's defense attorney, susan necheles, is saying, quote, "we're informed the second witness today will be stormy daniels. we want to renew our objection to her testifying particularly about any details of any sexual acts." that is mr. trump's attorney. the prosecutors also saying, quote, "in terms of the sexual act, it will be very basic." i can't believe i have to read this on television. it's not going to involve any descriptions. >> better you than me, jake tapper.

>> it's not going to involve any descriptions of anything, um, in particular. [laughter] >> just read it. >> jordan: oh, come on, jake tapper and dana bash, acting like you're too good for this! like you've never seen genitalia before? you're very prudish for people whose names sound like porn names. "jake tapper and dana bash in state of the union." yeah! [cheers and applause] they're gonna smerconish all over your wolf blitzer, you know? now -- [laughs] now, the crux of this case is that trump allegedly paid stormy daniels hush money to cover up their affair just before the 2016 election. and today, stormy daniels told us exactly what all that money was hushing, starting from the very beginning of the night donald trump invited her for dinner in his hotel room. >> daniels testified that when she first entered trump's hotel suite, he greeted her wearing silk pajamas.

she says she joked that he stole hugh hefner's pajamas and asked him to change, which he did. according to daniels, when she asked trump about his wife, he admitted that he and melania sleep in separate beds. after speaking with trump for a while, daniels told trump he was rude and didn't know how to have a conversation. "someone should spank you with that magazine," she told him. she says trump then rolled up the magazine and, quote, "gave me a look." so she took it from him, told him to turn around, and swatted him on the butt. [audience reacts] >> jordan: ugh, that poor, poor magazine! hasn't print media suffered enough? spanking, silk pajamas, separate beds. these revelations are so uncomfortably personal that even drake is like, "oof, sucks to be that guy!" but if that stuff made you uncomfortable, hold on, it gets worse. >> daniels testified that, at

one point prior them having sex, trump told her she reminded him of his daughter ivanka, saying they were both smart, blonde, beautiful women who people underestimated. >> jordan: #girldad! look, i know it's old news to us that donald trump wants to smerconish his daughter. but remember, the court worked hard to find an unbiased jury. which means there's at least one person on there who was in a coma for the last ten years. and i bet that guy is losing his mind today. are you hearing... are you hearing this? that the president and his daughter? a porn star? wait til my friend, prince, hears about this! but maybe the actually damning part of all of this is how trump got stormy to have sex with him. according to daniels, he suggested that she could be on "the apprentice." later, he stripped to his

underwear and told her, quote, "this is the only way you're getting out of the trailer park." [audience reacts] yikes. so trump isn't just a bad lover who thinks talking about his daughter is an acceptable form of foreplay. he's a creep who dangles career advancement over women to get them to have sex with him, because lord knows they're not in it for the two minutes of thrusting. and personally, i find it disappointing. i mean, who would've thought a man found liable for sexual assault would coerce a woman into sex? honestly, it's like you can't even trust sex offenders these days. for more on today's testimony, let's go live to the courthouse with our own troy iwata. [cheers and applause] troy! troy, what's the mood down at the courthouse today? >> i would say the mood is uncomfy. like, i was so perturbed, i made

myself feel better by remembering that time i watched "saltburn" with my parents. that's how bad it was today. but i got to tell you, it's brutal hearing someone's dumb horny man moves read aloud in the cold light of a courtroom. >> jordan: i'm sorry, dumb horny man moves? >> you know, the things you say and do right before you have sex with someone for the first time? the sexy stuff you do in the moment that no one should ever rehash? the faces and phrases, like, your lips look like two big worms. >> jordan: oh, okay. well, i mean, some people's man moves are pretty solid, i bet. >> you keep telling yourself that, big guy. like, what's your go-to move when you get to the bedroom? >> jordan: well, i don't know if this is the time or place... one time, i said, "alrighty, then" just like ace ventura. but it was a good reference because we had both just seen

"ace ventura." i mean, she hadn't, but i had explained the movie to her. it was kind a sexy moment for the both of us. >> cool. >> jordan: troy, what's your point? that testifying about people's man moves should have no place in the legal system? >> no! i actually think the opposite. i think every trial should have it. imagine if every time you committed a crime, the prosecutors could put your ex on the stand to describe your most mediocre hookup in grave detail? and then a stenographer in a cardigan wrote it all down? and then jake tapper broadcast it on national television? [cheers and applause] >> jordan: frankly, that is a good point. if you put it that way, i would be the most law-abiding citizen in history. >> exactly. right now, i'm about 50/50 on

committing crimes. like, i can see myself counterfeiting stamps. but if it meant i'd have to sit through a retelling of how one night, i got on all fours and i said, "tell me you're proud of me," i wouldn't even get a parking ticket. i wouldn't even own a car. this might be the greatest crime deterrent in history. >> jordan: so you're saying, we should air all of trump's dirty details in an attempt to lower crime rates. >> no, jordan, i'm asking you to tell me you're proud of me. >> jordan: alrighty, then! troy iwata, everybody. when we come back, we'll find out how to make money by snitching. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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money, get some video of a trucker idling in new york city. there are hefty fines for dirtying the air. eco-warriors get a share. >> to learn more, i met up with the idol warriors, a group of citizen vigilantes who are cashing in on this green gig. >> they say idle hands are the devil workshops. what made you decide to use your idle hands to stop idling? >> all idling? >> all of a sudden, a million people die every year on this planet due to air pollution. >> and we can change this, if we just turned our engines off. >> the anti-idling law was created in 1971 by the city of new york. but it wasn't being enforced at all. >> so kind of like when white people do drugs. >> i thought that if citizens got an opportunity, they would do it. >> as an environmental attorney, she wrote a law allowing anti-narc york yorker to allow a vehicle and 20% of the fine.

what if i don't want take care and on my amazon driver? >> the companies are the ones who pay the fines. the driver themselves don't pay the fine. it's the owner of the commercial vehicle. >> so you actually snatch on the companies? >> what we are doing is holding big companies like amazon, con ed, and verizon accountable for polluting our air and literally killing people in new york. >> that is so cool. [cheers and applause] in elementary school i was always labeled a tattletale but now i am seeing that was just good training to be an environmentalist. so we are taking down the man, not my actual mailman. clearly, this isn't about the money. but we are all friends here. how much do you make? >> i know a gentleman who've made over $100,000 a year. >> what? wow. >> i'm not a mathematician but if i take the some of my credit card debt, added to the cost of being a woman in america, multiplied by 84% of our demand makes and subtract the earnings from reporting a dozen idling vehicles, i am rich. how many people know about this? am i getting in on the ground floor? is this bit coin where i am

going to have to cut my losses by selling my beanie babies? >> it is about 20-30 of us who are submitting the bulk of the complaints. >> i think we should just keep it between us. it is like an orgy, you don't want to advertise it to everybody. you want a small dedicated group and hopefully jake gyllenhaal. >> within orgy, you would think more the merrier. we hope that everybody participates. >> our ultimate goal is for idling to end. the best thing that we can get as clean air. >> money. >> clean air. >> and cleaner. >> there is a much idling going on that as long as you have the right place, you can go one after another. >> [bleep] it. let's snitch. ♪ ♪ >> we are a group of vigilant new yorkers looking out for the best interest of our neighbors. >> i wrote this bill because i wanted to see a change in the future. >> i have a nordstrom credit card that has not been paid off in seven years. are they even in business anymore? what do i do?

i'm ready to make some money. the difference. make a difference. >> you have to keep your ears tuned to the sound of engines. >> listening ears on. >> yep. then you use your iphone to capture the headquarters address and the license plate. see these linking lights here? on this band? >> yes. >> that is a good signal they are idling. >> when i see these blinking lights? i hear -- >> just like that. >> how long do we do this for? >> for 3 minutes and ten seconds. it's a long period make up time. >> i got to do this for 3 minutes. >> if you want to get paid, you have to do this right. >> it turns out activism is very boring and dehydrating. >> i'm just going to pop in for a quick marg. you want one? >> confronting truckers take balls. luckily, george and i have falls. >> i'm going to tell him that you are breaking the law. >> george, i just want you to know, i'm right here with you. i'm right behind you. i got your back. >> thank you. >> do you know why?

>> because we are partners for life. >> love it. >> right behind you. >> can you shut the engine off so you are compliant with the law? >> i'm not with him. what a great team. >> do you think you've learned enough to go out on your own? >> totally. >> i'm going to welcome you to the idle warriors. >> george, you can count on me. ♪ ♪ >> after a full day of saving the earth, it was time to celebrate with my fellow warriors. this round is on me. >> cheers! to the real superheroes protecting the planet. >> yeah! >> so when do we get paid? >> it takes about two years. >> okay. i am out. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> jordan: thank you, desi. when we come back, novelist lexi freiman will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an author whose latest book is "the book of ayn." please welcome lexi freiman! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ welcome! ♪ ♪ lexi, welcome! >> thank you! thank you so much. >> jordan: lexi. >> yes. >> jordan: i love this book. >> thank you. >> jordan: this book is so funny and searing. >> searing. >> jordan: do you like searing? >> i love searing. >> jordan: you love searing? >> all authors like searing. >> jordan: do you want a searing novel that gets into

this shit? makes fun of a little bit of everything, reveals something about yourself -- it revealed nothing about me. i love this book. this book starts, it follows somebody who gets canceled. >> yes. >> jordan: and one of her first moves is she finds the writings of ayn rand. >> yes. >> jordan: and you describe her initial thoughts about ayn rand as -- the character says, the main character, anne, "always considered her the gateway drug for bad husbands to quit their jobs and start online stock trading." [laughs] >> yeah, yeah. true. >> jordan: [laughs] so what is compelling about ayn rand for you in a novel like this? >> i mean, to me, she was, you know, basically the worst person i could write a book about, which really appealed to me. she is so contentious within the culture. but i had recently watched a documentary about her when i started thinking about this and

to be honest, her ideas are provocative and difficult. but she also just had a crazy sex life. she was essentially in an open relationship at the end of her -- in her 60s. she was having an affair with a man 25 years younger than her. so like, ayn rand was basically a polyamorist. she had a polycule. which i think sort of people don't know that about her. it kind of destroyed her in the end. she ends up having a nervous breakdown when he was cheating on her. he kind of undermined her own philosophy of selfishness in a way, and i found that incredibly interesting and funny. she's just funny. >> jordan: [laughs] yeah, yeah. if there is one thing that will take ayn rand down, who thought it was going to be polyamory? >> it was polyamory that did it in the end which i just find delicious. >> jordan: it starts to unpack this idea of cancel culture. like, how do you see that?

is there an upside to cancel culture? >> to cancel culture? i mean, yes, sure, there's things that, it moves the needle. there is cultural change in a way that can be good. and then there's also just -- i had a conversation about this with a canceled person. the conversation went in the sort of direction of what being canceled kind of affords you the opportunity to do is to kind of kill your ego and not give a shit anymore about what people think. because the ego is all about reputation and trying to succeed and when that is not a possibility for you anymore, then you get to pursue enlightenment, which i think is the other thing we could all be doing with our lives. if we wanted to. >> jordan: so you are saying in order for me to get enlightened, i have to first get canceled? is that what i need to do tonight? >> maybe, maybe. >> jordan: this is a satire. i think it is fascinating how

you are so specific in this book and you are able to satirize the left and the right as you move this character through these spaces. i guess, i'm curious, i always view satire -- and "the daily show," we dabble in it here and there. more often to become a it seems like satire is a broadsword that is rarely -- it is rarely a scalpel. it seems like you find complexity. how do you find complexity in satire? >> i think you have to be really specific. you have to be really generous. like, the reader is smart. you can't try to trick them with easy kind of ideas and jokes. >> jordan: you can. i mean, sometimes that can be very rewarding. >> [laughs] yes. a lot of people will fall for it. but if you want to kind of -- if you want the reader to really come on side with you and especially with your most transgressive material, then you've got to really not take them for granted. i edit the crap out of my books. i go in there, i try to see it

from all different sides and i really try to get as specific as possible, you know, so that the reader feels like i respect their intelligence and i, you know, i am thinking of the thing they might argue back with me about. and i get specific. there is a scene in the book, a sex scene, where the character is pretending to do the locker room scene from "jerry maguire." do you remember that bit? so i watched that scene a lot, and i really got very specific about how you might perform certain sexual acts while doing the "jerry maguire" locker scene. so you just do it, you commit, and you really go all the way with it. >> jordan: who do you imagine your audience is when you are writing? >> oh, god. i mean, i think it is just this mean voice in my own head. >> jordan: [laughs]

trying to quiet down the mean voices in your head. >> yeah, it is literally just me being as mean as i can to myself. i don't know. there's probably a few -- i think there's a couple of critics i think about a little bit. ones i respect and ones i don't. they are in my head. some of my friends who are writers are kind of in my head. i don't know. there is a whole parliament of people in there, telling me that i am getting it wrong. >> jordan: [laughs] i will say, i think you got it right. i find this book hilarious, fantastic, congratulations. i hope at least one of those voices in your head is happy with the product. "the book of ayn" is available now. lexi freiman. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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