thank you. what? do you have something in your pocket? a chunky. do you want half? no, thank you. okay. (michael) it is a message. it is an inspiration. it is a source of beauty. and without paper, it could not have happened. unless you had a camera. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: hey, everybody! welcome to "the daily show" my name is jon stewart! coming to you on a... what? what the heck? thursday? jon stewart on a thursday? it's like breakfast-for-dinner over here! pancakes at night? we do have a great show for you tonight. i'm gonna be talking about 2024 polling a little later with the polling director of the harvard kennedy school institute of politics. [cheers and applause] i don't believe you!

but first, it's been another big week of wall-to-wall, non-stop, penis-to-penis coverage of donald trump's trial! from the lingering glamour shots, to the trial merch store, to a rudimentary court treasure map, to second-by-second realtime closed-caption transcripting, and a qr code you can scan for more coverage! and, i guess, msnbc's in-room dining menu. why would you need -- the ubiquitous coverage is numbing, fading into televised wallpaper. with insight that only occasionally crackles through, such as: >> he greeted her at his hotel room in satin or silk pajamas. >> jon: which? both are smooth materials!

but satin or silk? which? i need to know! >> she said, she had my... i had my clothes and my shoes off. i removed my bra. we were in missionary position." >> jon: hmm. missionary! no wonder trump has locked up the evangelical voting bloc. unlike those democrats and their devil doggy-style! their devilish -- tell us more! >> not wearing a condom. >> jon: don't tell us any more! but perhaps this hyperfocus by

our news media is purposeful to distract americans by keeping visions dancing penises in their heads. all the while, americans are losing their freedoms at home. >> the biden administration's war on energy is reaching into the american home. >> jon: while we were penising, apparently the biden administration is reaching around, into the american home! >> put a stop to the department of energy's continued crackdown on american-made appliances. >> never in my wildest imagination would i have thought that i would stand here on the house floor to defend my constituents' appliances and gas stoves. >> i was proud to lead the house republican effort to protect our gas stoves. >> jon: they can take our lives, but they can never take our cooktops!

apparently this was a bill they passed to stop the biden administration's new energy regulations. and look, i'm going to be 100% honest with everybody here: i'm on the republicans' side. i [bleep] hate electric stoves. i [bleep] hate them. i can not cook unless i can see how high the flame is, and i'll be damned if i start burning my signature bananas foster because joseph goebbels biden is trying to ban gas stoves -- i'm sorry, i'm being told that's not what's happening. apparently, the department of energy just set new efficiency standards for home appliances, and 97% of gas stoves already meet the new standards, so unless this is where you cook, you're probably fine. and even so, at the end of the day, it's just gas stoves. >> it's not just gas stoves. it's your washer, your dryer, your dishwasher, and much more. >> they started with gas stoves...

>> jon: "and i did not speak up, for i was not a gas stove!" why do i do this scottish accent for that? isn't that a german homily? look, no disrespect to these [bleep] idiots, but i think we can move household appliances down on the threat-to-democracy list, just below aluminum-free deodorant. clearly, this was an overblown reaction. but that doesn't mean that this trial coverage isn't obscuring some true horrors. >> they're dead. the boy scouts are dead. >> the boy scouts, we can pretty much declare, are dead! >> jon: oh, my god! the boy scouts are dead? while we were all fixated on the titillating details of the stormy daniels' testimony, the boy scouts all died? i'm assuming in a terrible s'mores explosion, engineered by one joseph "charles manson"

biden! >> the boy scouts of america is changing its name for the first time in history. the organization will be renamed "scouting america" to emphasize its commitment to inclusion of all youth. >> jon: oh. the boy scouts are alive, they just rebranded as an organization. partly because they started letting girls in five years ago, and partly because they had a giant molestation scandal. i say that so that no one can hear me. a giant molestation scandal. rebranding yourself is a tried-and-true formula for many such organizations. in fact, it's why the catholic church now goes by the name "gary." [laughter and applause] so -- i feel terrible for anyone at home named gary. what is the issue?

>> there used to be sacred organizations where the children could really flourish. >> is anything sacred, bob brooks? >> no. >> jon: nothing is sacred. what did happen to those sacred organizations, "gary?" but as you all were saying? >> what happens to institutions in america, and really all over the world, is patriotic people start these institutions and the left must destroy it. it's a sad day when young boys can't learn how to be strong men. we've wrecked it. actually, they wrecked it. >> jon: okay, i don't want to break character here, but this [bleep], this guy, who is blaming the left for the loss of our institutions where young boys can become strong men, his name is matt schlapp. you may remember him. he's head of the american conservative union.

you may remember him as the strong man who was sued by another fella for non-consensually grabbing his dick in 2022. [audience reacts] yeah. that only got dropped after a reported $480,000 settlement. the point being, when this guy talks about the depravity of our institutions, he knows of what he speaks. [laughter and applause] all this false outrage is starting to make me cynical about america's media ecosystem. is there anything else going on that does merit a defcon 1 freak-out? >> in the end, this is a sad day for america, a moral failing of a magnitude we can't even begin to calculate. >> jon: oh, my god, a moral failing we can't even begin to calculate? perhaps it's a combo failing? an appliance that changed its name to be more inclusive? is mr. coffee now

"they/them coffee"? is that -- is that the danger we now face? >> president biden threatening to withhold more military aid if israeli military carries out an all-out assault on the city of rafah. >> president biden halting a weapons shipment of 3500 bombs to israel. >> we paused one shipment of high payload munitions. >> jon: oh, my god! the biden administration has paused one shipment of 3500 munitions, of the over 300,000 munitions israel has already dropped on gaza, to try and prevent the israelis from attacking the area where all the refugees of this war are currently sheltering. i mean, oh, my god! or to put that another way: >> and now what the biden administration has done is they become the primary protector of hamas. >> he absolutely is siding with the terrorists. >> the only reason they aren't dancing in iran is because they don't believe in dancing. >> joe biden has been the

greatest friend to hamas and hezbollah that there is on planet earth. >> amen! >> damn, he's good. >> jon: yes, nothing says gravitas like, [goofy laughing] "he's a terrorist sympathizer -- high five!" "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself -- yuk yuk yuk!" you people are [bleep] children. that came out wrong. [applause] i am curious, why would biden do holds that shipment now? >> i have made it clear to bibi and the war cabinet they're not going to get our support if, in fact, they're going into these

population centers. >> jon: if they go into the population centers? the whole place is a population center! they've been in the population center for six months! gaza is all population center! you know what you never hear around gaza? "yeah, i don't live in the populated area. i live in upstate gaza. i live by the lakes!" it is really quiet there." is there no one who can offer a more nuanced analysis of our newly-formulated position on the conflict? preferably in some type of catacomb or echoey tunnel? >> what biden is doing with respect to israel is disgraceful. if any jewish person voted for joe biden, they should be ashamed of themselves. >> jon: [laughs]

my apologizes to you, rabbi. thank you so much for taking time off of your condomless porn star hush money trial to deliver a shame lecture to jews. i will reflect on your moral standing next yom kippur, you can be sure. what about a jew who might vote for him twice -- >> [correspondents chanting "shame"] >> jon: first of all, guys, american jews are americans. we do not have dual loyalties or citizenship, there's nothing to be ashamed of. >> that's not what donald trump says. donald trump says you should be ashamed! >> [correspondents chanting "shame"] >> also, you should've been a doctor.

[applause] >> jon: guys, this is making me a little uncomfortable. >> why? donald trump is just saying that there's good jews and there's bad jews, and we have to start identifying the bad jews. >> jon: i don't like where this is going. >> [correspondents chanting "shame"] >> shanda! >> jon: shanda? >> yeah, i'm jewish, too! >> jon: what? oh, i didn't know that. >> yeah, on my mother's side -- >> [correspondents chanting "shame"] >> jon: get out of here! my god! go! [cheers and applause] as i was saying... >> shame! >> jon: oh, for god's sake. >> shame! shame on you! shame! shame! >> jon: i know. ronny, we already did the israel shame bit.

>> no, i was talking about "death to smoochy." i spent ten bucks on that movie! shame on you! >> jon: it is a good movie. >> so are you not ashamed? >> jon: no, i'm not. listen. here's ten bucks. just go. >> thank you. this makes up for israel. >> jon: thank you. when we come back, john della volpe will be joining us, so don't go away. us, so don't go away. [cheers and ( ♪♪ )

you made a cow! actually it's a piggy bank. my inspiration to start saving. how about a more solid way to save? i'm listening. well, bmo helps get your savings habit into shape with a cash reward every month you save. both: cash reward? and there's a cash bonus when you open a new checking account to get you started.

wow. anything you can't do? ( ♪♪ ) mugs. ♪ bmo ♪ someone's smelling fresh. does she take my old spice total body deodorant with 24/7 freshness, and use it all over her total body and all over their total bodies? unbelievable. ♪ (old spice mnemonic) ♪

we've never spoken. but you've told us many things. that you love stargazing, hate parallel parking, and occasionally, your right foot gets a little heavy. the lexus es didn't begin in a studio — it began with you. ♪♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is the director of polling at harvard kennedy school's institute of politics and author of "fight: how gen z is channeling their fear and passion to save america." please welcome john della volpe! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ sir! come and sit. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] thank you for joining us! >> thank you for having me.

>> jon: you have spoken to gen z, many of them here tonight, by the way. i don't know if you spoke to them. how many of you spoke to john? okay. [cheers and applause] that is crazy. >> turn this into a focus group maybe? >> jon: that is a focus group. how do you get to gen z? i have two of them in my house and i don't know what they think about anything. >> they want to be listened to. it is actually quite, quite, quite easy. you can bring a group of young people together, and i ask a couple simple questions. do you feel understood? no. what do people like me, what do you think people like me don't understand about you? and then we learn from those kinds of questions and we conduct very large-scale surveys of a relatively small population. so whereas most polls across the country might have 1,000 americans, maybe a couple thousand americans, we do a couple thousand young people

between the ages of 18-29, who are representative of that generation across the country. so we learn from what we hear, and we try to quantify that through very large-scale, very rigorous surveys a couple times a year. >> jon: and you write in that their passion will save this country. >> i do think so. i do think so. because, as i talked about the severe anxiety and depression that they have, but in many cases, other generations, who feel that way, it is normal to actually flee and to run away. but this generation has decided to use all of the tools, as david hogg, the parkland activist talks about to use all of the tools in their civic toolbox to fix problems and stand up for the vulnerable, whether it is voting, protesting -- >> jon: do you think they are different than past generation? the idea that this generation had challenges in a way that no one else has. i just think that is putting upon them a sense of victimhood

that is not necessarily -- and i think can ultimately have them play into that identity, as opposed to saying, yeah, man, your perspective is this is the worst the world has ever been, but i'm going to tell you something, the world is hard, and it is horrible sometimes, but to treat them as though they have faced some kind of condition that is so anathema to everything that all these other generations have faced doesn't feel real to me. >> i didn't say more than all other generations. >> jon: you said since the greatest generation. >> the difference, though, without seeing america united. the difference between a millennial, in my view, and a gen zer, is a millennial remembers a september 11th and september 12th and 13th. for that period of time when we came together, the red county and blue county and the flag, we came together. >> jon: that was a day. >> right. it was a short period of time. >> jon: [laughs] >> this generation doesn't understand that. and it has been division after

division. and it would be easy for them, in my opinion, to not engage in politics, not try to work with other people, to try to address this. >> jon: but how much of that is a fiction? how much of that is imposed upon them through the algorithm and through the media, that somehow, we were just talking about this, a young woman in the audience, said, how do you remain hopeful? i said, the way i remain hopeful is to separate the world that you read about it and hear about on the news and in the algorithm from the world you experience as a human being every day. and aren't we, by creating these data points of the horror they all live in -- yeah, it sucks to have shooter drills. but we had nuclear war drills, where we hid under desks, and i didn't know that much about the atomic bomb, but i was pretty sure my desk wouldn't help. but do you understand what i'm saying? >> i do. [applause] >> jon: so we create this mythology around these things that is part of that separation. >> but there is nothing --

seeing children slaughtered in schools, we did not see a nuclear war, is not mythology. >> jon: but we were seeing it in vietnam. >> and we are seeing that. but i am telling you is, listen, there is elements of this i agree, and we collectively should be putting this into context for people. >> jon: yes! >> i agree with that. >> jon: okay. >> i agree with that. but what i'm saying is that we don't have to agree that -- we just have to understand the way that they feel and where they are coming from, and help them help themselves and help us. that is my message. and these issues are real, because we could work a summer job as an intern or cutting grass and afford a one year tuition at public or private university. we could do that in the '50s, '60s, '70s, and '80s. young people can't do that today. you can work one job and afford

a house. these are the rights, not only is this generation losing reproductive health care from the supreme court, but this is a generation who feels like they are losing other rights. the rights to attend their college without going broke if you work hard. the rights to own a home or piece of property. those are the rights. >> jon: do we really need to talk to the gen z anymore? don't we know enough already? i watch the tiktok. it is everywhere! do they -- do you think social media has hurt them? >> unquestionably, it has hurt them. >> jon: really? >> it has hurt them. >> jon: what would you do to ameliorate this feeling that gen z is having and -- or has it helped them organize and so you wouldn't lose it because it is a double-edged -- >> there is certainly some pros to it. there are folks who feel vulnerable who can find community on that space where they can't find it in their own community, and that is good. they can organize from it. but the degree to which fear is instilled in their lives, i was talking the other day in terms

of what people are anxious about, and a lot of the young men i talked to have feeds every morning of car crashes. horrible, horrible car crashes in their tiktok, instagram feeds, where they are concerned about driving to work. the economic fears -- >> jon: wait, what? >> in terms of the algorithms. >> jon: it just feeds them car crashes? >> car crashes. it feeds car crashes to them. >> jon: how the [bleep] does not even start? >> that is just one -- that is one example. >> jon: can i tell you, all i get is that one girl going "i am two days into college and i'm three lectures behind," and then it's just 1,000 people dancing to that. >> that is you, that is your algorithm. they found you. >> jon: i'm doing it wrong. thank you very much for coming by. harvard's john della volpe. it is -- what is the name of the book? >> "fight." >> jon: gen z. we're going to take a quick

break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ to test the toughness of the kia sorento x-pro and the kia sorento turbo-hybrid... (♪♪) ...we recreated some of the wettest springs... (♪♪) ...hottest summers... (♪♪) ...windiest falls... (♪♪) ...and coldest winters. (♪♪) all on one track. to prove these three-row suvs were built for the unstoppable. kia. movement that inspires. when we started our business we were paying an arm and a leg for postage. i remember setting up shipstation. one or two clicks and everything was up and running.

i was printing out labels and saving money. shipstation saves us so much time. it makes it really easy and seamless. pick an order, print everything you need, slap the label onto the box, and it's ready to go. our costs for shipping were cut in half. just like that. shipstation. the #1 choice of online sellers. go to shipstation.com/try and get 2 months free. password? the corners pop at night. (♪♪)

popcorners... heard they're the cats meow. of course, it's because they're popped, not fried. knock yourself out. delicious. (man whistles) (sounding sirens) what is he wearing? bro, i said dress like a cop busting a speakeasy. i thought you told me it was a sleep easy! and that made sense to you? don't answer that. ♪ on your period, sudden gushes happen. say goodbye gush fears! thanks to always ultra thins... with rapiddry technology... that absorbs two times faster. hellooo clean and comfortable. always. fear no gush. it makes no sense that some people forget lunch. at popeyes, we say go crispy. go bold. go memorable. we say let's bring lunch back. we don't make sense. we make chicken. ♪ love that chicken from popeyes ♪

[cheers and applause] >> jon: hey, everybody! that is our show for thursday night! i'll be back on monday after i am spending the weekend in a hyperbaric chamber. to only have three days off... [laughs] here it is, your "moment of zen."

♪ ♪ >> in may, 2024, house republicans and set out to fight the most important were currently happening in the entire world. >> i was proud to lead the house republican effort to protect our gas stoves. and i am proud again to lead this effort to protect our home appliances. >> behold: the epic saga of this band of grand standards. >> the biden administration's war on energy is closing the door to your refrigerator. it is raining your dishwasher. >> to their constituents' appliance and gas stoves. >> this summer, these are the g.i.s who protect your g.e.s. >> strobes, dishwashers, washing machines, showers, toilets, water heaters, air conditioners, heat pumps, and furnaces. >> tom hanks and steven spielberg definitely do not present "saving pilot lightning." >> give it a couple of months, and they will be coming after

everybody's backyard girls. >> leave no appliance behind. ♪♪ ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪

-remember when i said we need to screen for colon cancer? -was that after i texted the age to screen was now 45? [both] because i said cologuard®! -hey there! -where did he come from? -yup, with me you can screen at home. just talk to your provider. [both] we'll screen with cologuard and do it my way. cologuard is a one-of-a-kind way to screen for colon cancer that's effective and non-invasive. it's for people 45+ at average risk, not high risk. false positive and negative results may occur. ask your provider for me, cologuard.

[ video game beeping ] see, stan? you gotta choose if you wanna be in gryffindor or slytherin. yeah, can i do it? yeah, see, you gotta fight these fairy guys. randy. [ beeping continues ] randy! the powder room toilet is broken. again! did you jiggle the handle? yes, i jiggled the handle. will you come fix this, please? okay, okay. [ beeping continues ] huh, well, let's see. it's gotta be the little black floaty thingie. what'd you do to it? i didn't do anything. lemme see if there's water in the bowl. no! don't lift the lid. why can't i lift the lid? don't, randy! uh-huh.

hey, guys! your mom took a shit and doesn't want me to see it. ew! gross, dad! randy! we need to get a new toilet. we can't just get rid of ol' blue, sharon. this is embarrassing. it's the powder room toilet, the one guests use. you get a new toilet, randy, or i'm not helping you sell weed anymore! alright, alright. sharon, you win. as usual. poor ol' blue. [ indistinct conversations ] can i help you with anything? oh, yeah, just lookin' for a new toilet to replace ol' blue. alright, well, all our toilets here are standard bowl, come with full warranty. how much you looking to spend? well i'm not poor. i happen to have my own weed business. so that's pretty much the nicest one you have, right? yeah, that's probably the top model, you know, before you start getting into the japanese toilets. japanese toilets? yeah, they're the sort of the super-high-class luxury models with all the bells and whistles. but you probably don't wanna spend that kind of money.

i'm not poor. oh, well, we can show them to you. the japanese toilets are right over there. hi, rick. this gentleman would like to see the japanese toilets. well, of course, sir. my name is rick. let me know if there's anything you need. these toilets are all equipped with the highest-end features, including an automatic bidet system, bluetooth capability, and seat warmers. seat warmers? of course. and the toilet senses when you've come into the room, turns on a small light, plays welcome music, and raises the lid for you. can i offer you come sparkling water or champagne? oh, sure, i'll take some champagne. all the toilet's functions are operated by a touch-button remote which you mount where the toilet-paper roll used to go. so then where do you keep the toilet paper? with a japanese toilet, you don't need toilet paper. the toilet washes you completely clean. you're mad.

no, it's true. it has warm water and a dryer and cleans you eight times better than toilet paper can. would you like to take one for a test drive? oh, uh, sure. i did have kind of a big breakfast. right over here. [ new age music plays ] ♪♪ ♪ oh, yeah ♪ ♪♪ ♪ i, i, i ♪ oh. ♪ oh, yeah ♪ [ water running ] whoa! ooh. oh, oh! oh. ahhh! oh, oh! [ chuckles ] [ farts ] [ farts ] [ button beeps, water running ] ohh! oh. [ button beeps, toilet flushes ]

okay, how much? guys, i wanted to talk to you because i want you all to think about how we're viewed as a family. you know, as a prominent weed dealer, we are successful, and we're sort of looked up to in this town because we have nice things that most families can't afford. i mean, stan, you're playing "hogwarts legacy" on ps5, right? you're playing "hogwarts legacy" on a ps5. yeah, my -- my point is that most people in town don't even have a ps5. they still have ps4s, and so we're basically the kennedys of south park. and the plain fact is that well-off families have nice things, and we shouldn't be ashamed of that. [ doorbell rings ] ohp! new toilet's here! hajimemashite. japanese torei des! uh, yes, thank you. bring it on in. delivery men: kyo fun yori! kro fun yori!

kyo fun yori! kro fun yori! kro fun yori! that's the new toilet? how much did it cost? oh, sharon. tennish. what's tennish? tennish. thousandish. ten thousandish. you spent $10,000 on a toilet?! we don't have that kind of money, randy! yeah, we do. shitsurei shimasu! owarimashita. okay, yeah, right here? okay. [ boots clomping ] doomo! aringanto gozaimashita! together: aringato gozaimashita! k, thanks. you are taking that back to the store. try it, sharon. i don't need to, randy. i want -- try it, sharon! [ new age music plays ] ♪♪ [ button beeps ] ♪ oh, yeah ♪ oh. oh.

♪ i, i, i ♪ [ button beeps ] oh! ohh! ah-ha-ha! i wanna try it. shhh! ah-ho-ho! ohh! [ bell rings ] oh, look, there he goes. it's mr. big shot. hey, richie rich. you eating caviar for lunch today, richie rich? stan, just so you know, nobody gives a shit. about what? come on, guys! did you know some people can't even afford to eat? how about caring for something that matters, you bitch? what the [bleep]? hey, stan, you really have to be careful. of what? look, it's great that you come from a wealthy family, but people don't like getting their noses rubbed in it. dude, i haven't even said anything! well, your dad called everyone last night

and told them you have a $10,000 toilet. what?! well, thanks for having us over for brunch, randy. yeah, what's the special occasion? oh, you know, just good times with dear friends. does anyone need to go to the bathroom? uh, no, i'm -- i'm good. oh, maybe some more coffee, then. can you guys believe all the snow we've gotten? yeah, maybe it will actually help with the drought. let's hope so. does anyone need a bathroom break? well, actually, i-i think i could use the restroom. that was kind of a big breakfast. oh! oh, yeah, sure! it's, uh -- it's right across the hallway. right there. excuse me. [ new age music plays ] butters' dad: oh. what was that? oh, that's the welcome music for my japanese toilet. i've heard of those. aren't they expensive? yeah, a bit. but for those of us who can afford it, it's well worth it. [ button beeps ] oh! ohhh! ohhhh!

he's now turned on the rear jet, which cleans your bottom with warm water. oh. ohhh! ah! that's the front washer that washes your balls, or vagina. [ farts ] if you think about it, a dry piece of toilet paper can't clean you half as well as pressurized water. i feel bad that most people have to walk around with fecal matter on their anus, but i'm just lucky i've sold enough weed to be able not to. but was it really luck? or was it hard work? heck, i don't know, but you know -- dad, can i talk to you?! stan? you're back from school already? i need to talk to you right now! the [bleep] are you doing?! [bleep] are you doing? you need to stop gloating to everybody! i am not gloating. yes, you are, and now kids at school are calling me richie rich! they are? nobody cares about your stupid toilet and you're acting like a jerk. you're stupid. i'm acting like a jerk because i'm trying to help people?! how are you trying to help people, dad? because the people don't know that these toilets are awesome,

and i'm just, like, the well-respected guy who's trying to open people's eyes like jfk. you are not like jfk! you're just showing off! nu-uh, i'm like jfk 'cause i am trying to change things! you're part of a very respected family, stan. you should start acting like it. okay, who's next? sometimes it takes a different approach to imagine your future differently. with capella university's game-changing flexpath format,

set your own deadlines and access coursework any time. her uncle's unhappy. with capella university's game-changing flexpath format, i'm sensing an underlying issue. it's t-mobile. it started when we tried to get him under a new plan. but they they unexpectedly unraveled their “price lock” guarantee. which has made him, a bit... unruly. you called yourself the “un-carrier”. you sing about “price lock” on those commercials. “the price lock, the price lock...” so, if you could change the price, change the name! it's not a lock, i know a lock. so how can we undo the damage? we could all unsubscribe and switch to xfinity. their connection is unreal. and we could all un-experience this whole session. okay, that's uncalled for.

isn't it absolutely bonkers that you can walk into a store, hand someone a piece of plastic, and they will willingly hand over reese's cups? forget flying cars. this is it.

we're at the pinnacle. and meet reese's distant but delicious cousins. [ new age music plays ] ♪♪ ♪ oh, yeah ♪ ♪ i, i, i ♪ ♪♪ ♪ atashi wa heia des-u ♪ randy singing along: ♪ toire ni iru kara ♪ randy? ♪ kimochi ii ♪ randy! what?! your proctologist is here to see you. my proctologist? ♪ atashi ♪ oh, hey there, doc. well, randy marsh, how are ya? i'm doing great. how are you?

wonderful! just been super busy. i'm actually takin' the wife to tuscany day after tomorrow. tuscany? wow. awesome. yeah, well, randy you haven't been in my office for a few days, so i thought i'd come do a house call to help you with your hemorrhoids. oh! no, doctor. i haven't needed to come to your office. in fact, i don't think i'll be needing your services anymore since i've gotten a japanese toilet. oh -- oh, really? it's completely changed my life. i'm healthier, i'm less stressed, and i don't get hemorrhoids 'cause i'm not smearing shit all over my ass with toilet paper. huh. here, here. you wanna come see it?! go on, check it out. [ beep, chime ] [ whirring ] [ doctor shouting, banging on toilet ] d-dr. sheltair? [ shouting and banging continues ] dr. sheltair?! you stupid! whoa hey hey hey!

you ruined tuscany! gah! stop it! i hate you! i hate you! i hate you! go on! get out of here! how am i supposed to tell my wife we can't afford to go to tuscany now?! i never realized you made so much money off my ass. go on. get. get! [ bell rings ] [ murmuring ] hey, stan! stan hold up! what? well, um, you're just a really good friend, stan, and -- and i was gonna ask if maybe i could borrow your plungercost? what's a plungercost? it doesn't cost nothing when your toilet's nice as yours, richie rich! [ laughter ] i did it! i called stan richie rich, too! that was fun! stan, you've got to stop bragging about your toilet. i'm not bragging about my toilet! and why is it such a big deal anyway?

it's a big deal, stan. you just don't understand why. have you ever asked yourself why we use toilet paper? we're told to wash our hands... wear masks in crowds... but for some reason, when it comes to wiping our ass, we're told to do it with this little piece of paper. we are all -- all of us -- walking around right now with a little bit of shit smeared on our buttholes. did you know that 70% of people in the world don't even use it at all? 70% of the world doesn't use toilet paper? look it up. most people in the world still use good ol' soap and water. the average american uses 140 rolls of toilet paper per year. can you even begin to imagine how many trees that is? to supply the united states its toilet paper, it takes 31.1 million trees per year. a million acres per year of precious canadian boreal forest alone, releasing upwards of 25 metric tons of co2 and leveling 90% of the land barren. so, then, why do americans use it so much?

well, that's the big question, isn't it? none of it makes any sense. well, then, maybe somebody -- just tell your dad to stop. americans don't want to change their toilets and they never will. ladies and gentlemen, we have a public service announcement. one of our citizens has asked to speak with you. please welcome mr. randy s. marsh. ♪♪ thank you, mayor. thank you, everyone. you know, the marshes are a family that try to always lead by example. and we know that all of you appreciate that. everyone deserves to be clean, and the truth is, you can be. you might not be the marshes, but you can afford a japanese toilet. just not a really nice one like what we have. if you take into account the money we all spend on toilet paper, doctors, and hemorrhoid cream, a japanese toilet pays for itself in just a few years. there are actually japanese toilets made for commoners.

walmart and amazon all carry the lower cost of shitty japanese toilets that anyone can afford. there's even these like attachment thingies for your existing toilet which will make you feel like a marsh yourself. they may not be nihon no style-ru, but they are good enough for you guys. the point is -- even commoners don't need toilet paper anymore! and, so, i am suggesting that this town puts all -- [ gunshot ] man: holy shit! randy?! wah! [ screaming ] i'm sorry, but he's in critical condition. who shot him? nobody knows. is he gonna be okay? he's in a coma. he's unconscious and just blabbering nonsense. [ monitor beeping ] bikkuri... bikkurishita... taiehn deshou...

mr. marsh, your whole family is here. your wife, your daughter, and your son. t-toire wa? no, your toilet is back at the farm. taihen ja naaaa.... dad, i'm sorry i yelled at you before. i didn't know you were really trying to help. kon-nichi waaa... -stan, where are you going? -i let dad down once. somebody has to pick up where he left off.

you want thicker, stronger, fuller hair? you need expert skincare. new dove scalp + hair therapy serum active skincare ingredients targets the source of beautiful hair. your scalp for visibly thicker, stronger, fuller hair. harris: i promise we're doing all we can. i'm sorry for what happened, but you need to leave it to the professionals. there's something more going on here. i think my dad was on to something and i didn't listen to him, and now he's in a hospital. we've already got a few leads

and we're following up on all of them. i assure you we take this all very seriously. this isn't a joke to us. -chief, hey, chief! -yeah? an angry proctologist walked in to the toilet section of home depot. [ chuckles ] y-yeah? proctologist says to the toilet manager, "i ain't taking the fall," and pulls a gun on six japanese delivery men. [ chuckling ] okay. so, then, the six japanese delivery men show up, and the proctologist has everyone held hostage and says he's not taking the fall for the randy marsh shooting. oh, shit, this is actually happening?! come on people let's go! [ radio chatter, siren chirps ] i ain't going down for this! you got that, coppers?! i didn't shoot anybody! but if i'm going down, i'll take these careless bastards out with me! would you like some sparkling water or cham-- [ gasps ] get -- get outta here! come on out. there's no other way, we have you surrounded. i didn't shoot randy marsh! -taihen! -nobody's saying you did! no, but they're gonna use me as their scapegoat!

they'll fix things like they always do! -who will? -they'll use their lawyers and their power to make it all go away! just like they did back when that 2nd grade kid wrote a story in the school paper about toilets two years ago! they'll take me out, too! [ cocks gun ] there's no stopping them! don't do it! [ gunshot ] sabishiiiii! aww! alright move in! secure the area. 2nd grade kid two years ago... wrote about toilets in the school news paper. you weren't warning me about people getting upset. you know more about this. hey! you wrote a story in the school paper and someone came after you! yeah i wrote a story, big deal! jimmy, i want to know who shot my dad! they took everything from me, stan. my bike...my cat... they were gonna sue my parents for what i wrote in the school paper.

you're talking about the toilet paper companies. who has the most to lose? it's all toilet paper, stan! follow the money! 140 rolls per american per year. factories pushing out roll after roll while razing earth's resources. all of this for an unsanitary product that has been proven to contribute to anal fissures. don't you get it, man? paper doesn't clean bacteria. it can't stop viruses. with all that information, you'd think the world health organization would do studies to find alternatives. so why don't they? because toilet paper is an industry worth billions and b-billions of dollars. kimberly-clark, georgia-pacific, procter & gamble. they don't want japanese toilets in america and they have the power to stop them, and to stop you. i can't believe they shot my dad... because he wanted to change things. these people have deeper pockets than you can possibly imagine. they can destroy everything you love, stan.

take my advice... don't. squeeze. the charmin. you might be too scared jimmy, but i'm a marsh. ♪♪ my fellow americans... we have been coerced and brain washed. while the rest of the world walks around with cleaner buttholes, we are obsessed with dry paper sold to us by billion-dollar corporations. -yeah. -hey, yeah, he's right! my father wanted everyone to see that there were alternatives. but they don't want him talking about alternatives! yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah! and we can't be blindly buying their products anymore. and as a town, we will find alternatives, and we will not be afraid to -- stop! stop! we're not doing this! dad! everyone just stop, we're not doing this. thank you. south park, uh, we-we're cutting this short. i was totally wrong and i want to apologize. no, dad, it's the toilet paper companies that are behind all the -- yeah, i know. yeah, so, uh, w-we have nothing against toilet paper. it's a great product and, uh, it was childish of me to make fun of it. thanks, though. we'll see ya later.

dad, we can't just back down. bro! i got [bleep] shot! japanese toilets are totally unnecessary, and, uh, in case anyone else is listening, i think all of south park would like to apologize. we retract what we said about toilet paper companies. they -- they have done nothing but help us, and we are sorry. south park -- everyone -- say you're sorry. all: we're sorry. okay, great. come on, guys, let's go home. what about helping people and leading by example? we're not the goddamn kennedys, stan. stop being an idiot. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ nice to have you back, ol' blue.

you know, guys, i'm actually not that sad. having a japanese toilet was great, but... i've come to realize that, when you have some big, nice luxury thing, it eventually just becomes normal. but you start comparing it to all the other things in your life which suddenly feel you have to upgrade, too. so, it's really best to just stick with the beat-up, crappy old things we have. love you forever, honey. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪