because i am their boss. i would rather that someone be honest with me than be a good worker. then be a good...employee. because if he was honest, i could say, "hey, can you handle this job?" and he would say, "i don't--no, i can't." and then i would say, "well then i'm not gonna hire you. "no offense. "you seem like a really nice guy. "but you're not qualified. you admitted it yourself." that's how it works. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: hey! welcome to "the daily show" my name is jon stewart! we have a terrific program for you tonight. i hosted on thursday and i am back on monday. i just don't know how much longer i can do it. barely any rest. just slept in a hyperbaric chamber. i'm going to be talking to one of my favorites, ilana glazer is going to be joining us. [cheers and applause] she is the best. but first, let's get into the news. as you know, the fascinating penis-themed trial of professor donald bartholomew trump continued today. what you might not know is that it is not the only salacious,

high-level government-official trial going on today. because right across the street, in new york's famed public corruption district, new jersey democratic senator robert menendez -- [audience reacts] my god, menendez turned heel. they are not booing -- well, they were booing. he faced the first day of his reckoning. >> federal prosecutors allege the former chair of the powerful senate foreign relations committee conspired with his wife nadine to accept bribes from a trio of wealthy businessmen in exchange for political favors to help the governments of qatar and egypt. >> the powerful senator allegedly pressured the department of agriculture to help an associate maintain a monopoly on the importation of halal meat to the united states.

[laughter] >> jon: i don't mean to get sentimental here, but in what other country in the world can a cuban-american senator work hand-in-hand with an egyptian-born businessman to corner the halal meat market? [laughter and applause] ♪ living in america ♪ but yes, senator menendez is accused of using his access and influence as senator to illegally help a variety of shady governments and clients. but what evidence do we really have? >> federal agents searched the menendez home in june 2022, finding over $480,000 in cash. >> two bags filled with $100,000 each. >> $100,000 worth of gold bars. >> payments toward a mortgage. >> a mercedes benz convertible. >> furniture, exercise equipment, even an air purifier. >> four boots stuffed with cash. >> cash even found in the

senator's embroidered congressional jacket. >> jon: sacrilege! cash in the lining of a congressional jacket, which, oddly enough, is reversible. but the money is in his house. and his jacket and his boots. and it has lining his pockets. but none of it ties the money to menendez or egypt! >> the indictment says, upon returning from one trip to egypt, menendez performed a web search for how much is one kilo of gold worth. [laughter and applause] >> jon: damn you, metric system! i would've gotten away with it

too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and your base-10 system of measurements and weights! there could be a lot of reasonable, benign explanations for why a senator's house would be stuffed with cash and gold bars. home heating insulation, perhaps? or something stupider? >> according to "the new york times," his lawyers now offering a new explanation as to why he had thousands of dollars in gold and in cash in his home. they say that the habit is rooted in traumatic family history. [audience reacts] >> jon: "these are simply my emotional support gold bars! whenever i am not with them, i get anxious. people respond to trauma in different ways." now when it comes to any trial,

of course, and we've seen this play out endless times, finding an impartial journey. >> defense attorneys have proposed asking prospective jurors if they have opinions about people from new jersey and do they think that because they are from new jersey, that they're more likely to break the law. [laughter and applause] >> jon: you mother[bleep]. you bury one union leader at your football stadium whilst running a human organ trafficking ring through some secaucus rabbis, and suddenly your whole state is a suspect. you believe this, tone? huh, tone? you will leave this? anti-new jersey discrimination, that's what it is! so obviously this is shaping up to be one of the more cartoonishly blatant corruption

cases in some time. jersey guy with gold bars stuffed in his jacket and a nice freezer of some halal meats. anything else that might speak to the general character of this united states senator? >> menendez has denied any wrongdoing. according to court filings, his lawyers indicate he may try to blame his wife. [audience reacts] >> jon: yes, it's those three magic words every woman is dying to hear: "it was her!" "she did it!" you know, i'd feel a lot worse for her if she wasn't also demonstrably a terrible person. read up on it. i can't explain everything right now. i will just say this.

[bleep] awful. but perhaps the dumbest thing about this entire, not-quite-believable, "real housewives" episode, is how unnecessary it all is. you, sir, are an elected official in america's most respected legislative body. it's like a license to print money! you don't need to break the law so cartoonishly when the legal corruption in the senate is so [bleep] lucrative! which brings us to our new segment: senator robert menendez, "how dumb is you?" ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] as a new jersey resident, as a constituent of yours, senator menendez, i have to ask, with all due respect: "how [bleep] dumb is you?"

promising favors to foreign entities for a little chump change on the side, it's bush-league, when, as a u.s. senator, you can enrich yourself in so many different, let's-call-them-legal ways? for instance, the stock market! >> members of congress' stock portfolios consistently beat the s&p 500. >> the average hedge fund was beating the market at 7%. the study found that the average u.s. senator was beating the stock market by 12%. >> jon: the average u.s. senator. and if you think it is because the average u.s. senator is just so smart, this is the average u.s. senator! tommy tuberville, an ex-football coach who doesn't know the three branches of government. oh, but when it comes to the stock market, he sees the matrix! how do they do it? well, the secret is a shrewd

understanding of the intricate interconnectivity of global markets -- i'm kidding, they have inside information. >> california congressman democrat, named alan lowenthal, his wife sold shares of boeing march 5th of 2020. the very next day, the committee on which he serves in the house released a damaging report on the boeing 737 max. >> jon: oh, my god! what timing! you see that? see, the rest of us find out about boeing's problems as we are being sucked out of the fuselage mid-flight. just flying out over the wing. [applause] you are flying in the air over the wing. "sell, sell!" "i don't think they are good!" and it happens all the time! north carolina senator richard burr received a private briefing in 2020 about how bad the covid pandemic was going to

be for america. and he immediately sold off his stocks, saving himself a small fortune. of course, he had a reasonable explanation. >> we wanted to ask you about those stock trades back in february of 2020. you know, the sec says that you had material nonpublic information when you made those trades? >> you have to look at what i put out. >> i did look at what you put out. how is that not insider trading? >> jon: i'm so sorry, sir. i wanted to answer your question. if only there was a button that kept elevator doors open! by the way, if you don't have a gold-plated elevator, you can avoid these types of questions yourself by just pretending to take the stairs. "oh, i am sorry. taking the elevator back up." [cheers and applause]

i would do that bit more but my knees hurt! as soon as i did the first one, because i didn't do in rehearsal, i did it just now and i was like, that is not a good idea! that is one of those where you are like, stop the taping and pull me back up! now you might be wondering to yourself, how does congress get away with all of this? it may be because congress is regulated by, let me check my notes here... congress! and it's congress that has refused to even hold a vote on the bills that have been proposed to ban members of congress from trading stocks. because not letting members of congress insider trade would be un-american! just listen to one of the biggest beneficiaries of this stock windfall. >> should members of congress and their spouses be banned from trading individual stocks while serving in congress? >> no. no to the second one. this is a free market and people -- we have a free market economy. they should be able to participate in that. >> jon: oh, free-market.

excuse me, ms. speaker, i don't mean to interrupt. i'm martha stewart from the "why the [bleep] did i go to jail times-picayune." why the [bleep] did i go to j jail? [applause] but here's the thing, in a free market, everyone has access to the same information... so unless you're going to put us all on the committees, i don't get it. now to be fair, congress does have rules against corruption. members of congress are not allowed to receive what might be viewed as enticements or bribes from lobbyists. no free concert tickets. they cannot accept food -- baked goods, sandwiches, et cetera. it just wouldn't be proper. but in congress's infinite wisdom, they do allow organizations to set up leadership pacs, where a congressperson can turn political donations from lobbyists into slush funds. a pharma lobbyist cannot buy a senator a panini and some nyquil, but through the pac, they can pay for five-star hotels for kirsten gillibrand, luxury resorts for ted cruz, and even golf lessons for

rand paul. it's all in ayn rand's famous book "atlas putted." really? that is my literate crowd. "i read that in college actually." this is corruption in plain sight. we won't accept gifts, but if i want to have a luxury experience, and you would like to pay for it, and then join me on said experience, where we can discuss issues important to you and your industry, who's the wiser? right, senator mike lee of utah? >> shortly after this slope-side lunch for 22 friends, we decided to ask senator mike lee just why he's doing this. >> politicians raise funds and this is what we do. i enjoy skiing. thank you very much. thanks a lot. >> jon: from now on, i am ending every uncomfortable conversation i have about anything with, "i

enjoy skiing." "good day!" [cheers and applause] but -- but are luxury lobbying vacations still too much work, senator menendez? 'cause you could always write laws that directly benefit your side business, like the way senator chuck grassley netted $370,000 in farm subsidies. or the $5.3 million that california representative doug lamalfa got for his gentleman farm. and by the way, for that money, you better be growing actual [bleep] gentlemen! it's all legal, and not a gold bar in sight! or you could leverage your stature in government to get lucrative lobbying positions for your wife and your three kids, like missouri senator roy blunt. >> i don't even understand why that would be a question. everybody's family does something. >> jon: "my father was a corporate lobbyist, like his father and his father before

him." yes, everybody's family does something. for instance, your daughter might receive unusually greenlighted chinese patents. or your son-in-law might receive billions in no-questions-asked saudi investment. or your son might get a lucrative seat on a corporate board. let's hear hunter explain that one away. >> if your last name was not biden, do you think you would have been asked to be on the board of burisma? >> i don't know, i don't know, probably not. >> jon: holy shit. out of all the senators and representatives who dodged and prevaricate it and wouldn't answer any [bleep] questions, you know you're in trouble when the most honest and transparent person in a story of government corruption is the ex-crackhead. yeah. [cheers and applause]

i don't know if i like jon stewart anymore. [laughs] now you might think, "someone should step in and stop congress from being able to enrich themselves. perhaps the supreme court!" well, it will come as no surprise that the same guys who think it's fine to accept a luxury winnebago from a wealthy businessman have made it much harder to police corruption. in a decision called mcdonnell versus the united states, they said that the appearance of corruption is not nearly enough for it to be considered against the law. it must be... >> this very narrow quid pro quo idea. you know, i'm going to give you a cartoonish sack of money in exchange for an actual vote. >> jon: "whilst twirling my handlebar mustache!" at every turn, our congress and our courts have been given a choice: be less corrupt, or re-define what constitutes corruption, and get on with your

bad selves. it's a game of reverse limbo. having trouble getting under the bar of corruption we've set? well... ooh! how about now? robert menendez's gold bars in exchange for favorable legislation is obviously, cartoonishly corrupt. but for anyone out there who thinks the status quo of government patronage and influence is of an entirely different species than menendez? how dumb is you? when we come back, ilana glazer will be joining us. don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an actor and a comedian. she co-wrote and stars in the new film "babes."

>> i am 28 for 28. i could do a 29th? >> yeah, no. you are clearly pregnant. >> okay. i don't know how this could have happened. i have had sex once since my last period but i was on my period. >> so? >> so you can't get pregnant on your period. >> girl. >> girl? >> girl. >> girl. >> girl. >> girl, yes, you can. >> girl, stop. >> girl, you stop. we went to the same school. we learned the same shit. >> come on. no, you can't. >> ma'am, i'm a doctor. >> you are a dentist. >> jon: please welcome ilana glazer! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ ilana glazer! first of all, you know i love you. >> i just love you, jon stewart.

>> jon: and i love you a lot! >> [laughs] >> jon: and, boy, this movie is so good! >> thank you. >> jon: the relationship between you and michelle is so lovely and easy and just natural. >> and we've been friends for 20 years. >> jon: oh, for real? >> for truly 20 years. she is like -- >> jon: the hugs are real. >> big titty just uh -- we are just -- [cheers and applause] michelle loves top titty meat. our top titty meat just spilling over. 20 years -- [laughter] top titty meat, jon stewart, you know what i mean? [cheers and applause] to be honest -- [cheers and applause] to be honest, this is how women talk. >> jon: yes. >> when we first sent this script out, i wrote this with -- my mom just called you back stage the number one mensch.

you are like number two compared to josh raibnowitz who i wrote this with. >> jon: you wrote this script with him. yeah, yeah. he is number one. >> such a mensch. and you know, when -- and susie fox, our producer -- as we were writing this and collaborating it, we put a list together of the most surprising and absurd experiences we were having becoming parents, and we couldn't believe that these things hadn't been covered in film. >> jon: is there anything more fun than talking about a movie that they have not seen yet? there is very little i enjoy more than the secret information that you and i have, that they -- >> [laughs] >> jon: i imagine the "oppenheimer" people did that. they came around and said, "you know what he said to einstein?" the audience is like, i don't [bleep] know what the movie is is. >> should i give a summary? >> jon: do you want to give a summary? >> i will give a summary. >> jon: give a summary. [cheers and applause] >> so this movie is about two best friends who are in very different points in their lives. dawn, who is played by michelle buteau, has two kids

and a husband and my character, eden, is single and a free spirit and gets knocked up and decides to keep the baby. >> jon: [laughs] >> and their friendship is tested thereafter, and hilarity and verklemptness ensues -- >> jon: also pathos. >> mad, mad pathos. crumbs, no crumbs. >> jon: they leave no crumbs! i just love you so much and you are so good. >> i love you too. thank you. >> jon: everything you do is filled with bangers after bangers. the lines are so funny and your stuff is so good. >> oh, my gosh, thank you. >> jon: for god's sakes, woman. >> it is my honor, my pleasure, you are my hero. >> jon: stop it. [cheers and applause] "babes" will be in theaters this friday, may 17th. ilana glazer. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show for tonight! before we go, we check in with your host for the rest of the week, desi lydic! desi! [cheers and applause] gesturing in your direction. desi, what do you have for us this week? >> well, tomorrow night is the wnba season opener and caitlin clark's big debut. [cheers and applause] which actually reminds me, i need to apologize to her

real quick. caitlin, i am so sorry that my hosting week is overshadowing your big night. i don't get to choose when i host, it's just on rotation, but i promise i'm not trying to pull focus. i'm a girl's girl, okay? i got your back. [cheers and applause] >> jon: i am sure there is going to be room for everybody that night. people could maybe tune into both. >> maybe... or maybe the wnba pushes the start of the season back a week. i think that would be better for her. >> jon: yeah, i don't know if they are going to do that. desi lydic, hosting all this week. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> i don't think -- that is hannibal lector, the legendary hannibal lector, and they are coming into our country now, totally unchecked, unvented. that is hannibal lector. hannibal lector.

the "silence of the lambs" and stuff, you know? hannibal lector was from the insane asylum. "silence of the lambs." has anybody ever seen "silence of the lambs"? the late great hannibal lector is a wonderful man. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - ♪ do do do doo ♪ ♪ da da da da daa ya da da daa ♪ ♪ do do doo da da daa ♪ ♪ hey-de, hey-de, hey-de how's it going, guys? ♪ - what the hell are you so happy about, fat-ass? - oh, nothing, no big deal, really. - what's no big deal? - well, guys, it seems that i am the first one of us

to reach manhood after all. - what the hell are you talking about? - well, because unlike you guys, i just got my first pubes. ♪ ya da da da ya da da dee ♪ - [muffled] you got pubes? - what's pubes? - pubic hair. he's saying he got his first pubic hair. - oh... no, you didn't! - oh, yes, i did. i'm becoming a man. - he's lying. - you wanna see 'em? - hell, no! - here, check 'em out. - we don't wanna see them, cartman! - there, see? how do you like them apples? ha! - what are those? - my pubes. - what? - i got 'em from scott tenorman. - scott tenorman-- the ninth grader? - yep, he let me have 'em for just 10 bucks. ha, ha, ha! ♪ i got pubes before you guys did ♪ ♪ i got pubes before you guys ♪ ♪ ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪ - cartman, you are so goddamn stupid, it's unbelievable. - ah-ha, don't be jealous, guys. this doesn't mean we can't still hang out. it just means that i matured faster than you. you'll get your pubes, guys, someday. - cartman, you don't buy pubes, you grow them yourself. - wh-what? - when you get old enough, you grow your own pubic hair that's attached to you, you [bleep] dumb-ass! - nah-ah. - yeah-huh. - but then why would scott tenorman sell me his pubes for $10?

- because, retard, you're dumb enough to buy scott tenorman's pubes for $10. - you're telling me these pubes are worth nothing? - yeah. - i'm gonna get that son of a bitch. - and so i told him, i say, "here, i'll sell you my pubes for only 10 bucks." and the stupid asshole buys them. [both laughing] speak of the devil. what do you want? - uh, yes, i've come to return these pubes that i purchased, please. - unh-uh, i don't take returns. - right, but you see, i didn't realize when i bought these pubes from you, that you were full of [bleep], so you can either give me back my $10, or i can go tell my mom on you. - you would actually tell your mom that you were stupid enough to pay for my pubes? uh-uh, i don't think so. - just give me back my money. - buyer beware, dude. - give me my $10, scott. - hey, i said no. now get your fat little butt out of here before i kick your head in. [doorbell chimes] - hello, sir, my name is kris kristofferson. i'm with the i.r.s. i'm here to collect $10 that you owe in back taxes. - you're not from the i.r.s. you glued my pubes onto your face. - tax evasion is a very serious offense, sir.

i suggest that you-- - all right, all right. i'll trade you my pubes back for the money. - you will? oh, cool! - how much did i charge? oh, yeah, $10. you got change for a 20? - oh, uh... i only got six dollars and 12 cents. - oh, well, that's okay. here, just give me the $6. and then i'll give you the $20. - okay. - now, give me the pubes, and i'll give you back $2. - right. - now, give me the 12 cents. and i'll give you the rest of your change back. - cool. - and then give me the $20, and i'll give you the pubes. - sweet! uh-- ah, god damn it! - that asshole. that big, smelly, ass-sniffing asshole. i'm gonna get him! - cartman, can i give you some advice? - what? - just let it go, dude. you're only out $16.12. count your losses and move on. he's smarter than you. - he is not smarter than me! he just charmed me, that's all. he's a charmer, that scott tenorman, but i'll get him someday. - one, please. - one, please. - [muffled] one please. - one please.

- that'll be $6. - okay, and how much is that in pubes? - we don't take pubes. - listen, my money is as good as anybody's. don't you...discriminate against my people by not accepting these pubes. - we don't take pubes, end of story! - racist! [doorbell rings] scott, scott! courtney love is in south park! she's all drunk and spreading her legs and showing her "poonaner" to everybody! you gotta go check it out! i'll watch your house for you. okay, i'll buy the pubes back, here. - what? - $16, take it. i'll even throw in an extra five, here. give me back my pubes. - why do you want them back so much? - no reason. - i don't believe you. - all right, all right. the pube fair in fort collins. - pube fair? - they're paying five bucks a hair for pubes. if i leave now, i can catch the last bus. - five bucks a hair? that's, like, a million dollars! - ha, ha, i don't think so, scott. i'm going to fort collins myself. - oh, you can't do this to me. no! - ha, ha, sure right you are, scott. - have you no heart? - ha, ha, what a stupid asshole! heh, heh, heh.

ha, ha, hoo! $1 million! woo! ah! ha, ha, ha. heh. eh, excuse me, sir. - yes? - can you tell me where the pube fair is? - the pube fair? - yeah, i've got some pubes to sell. - there's no such thing, you little smart ass. - no-- no such thing? - you wouldn't happen to be eric cart-man, would you? - i'm eric cartman. - oh, i think this is for you. - ahhhh! [knocking] 106 miles, scott. i had to ride 106 miles in the back of a pickup truck to get back here. - you really went? what a 'tard. - all right, scott, you win, i give up. - you do? wow, you're not as stupid as i thought. - yeah, i'll see you around. sure is too bad about my grandma, though. - your grandma?

- huh? oh, it's not really your concern. it's just that, well, my grandma is in the hospital. she's very sick, and the doctor's say unless i can come up with $16 for her operation, they're gonna put her down. - oh, jeez, i didn't realize that. - yeah, poor grandma. - hey, kid, hold on a second, i'll get your money. - heh, heh, heh. he's such a douche. - here you go. - oh, wow, thanks a lot, scott. - but just one thing before i give it to you. - what? - i just--well, i want to you beg for it. - huh? - just get down on your knees and beg me for the money. - why? - do you want your grandma to live or not? - [quickly] please, scott, give me my money. - no, no, get down on your knees. lower your head... and say, "i beg you to give me back my money." - i beg you to give me back my money. - now say, "i'm a little piggy." - what? - say it. - i'm a little piggy. - "here's my snout." - here's my snout.

- "oink, oink, oink." - oink, oink, oink. - now, dance, little piggy, dance and oink for me. - ♪ i'm a little piggy, here's my snout ♪ ♪ oink, oink, oink oink, oink, oink ♪ ♪ i'm a little piggy-- ♪ - [laughs] - all right, now give me back my money! - you mean this? you really care that much about 16 measly dollars? i mean, what can you buy with $16? my parents give me a $50-a-week allowance. this pittance means nothing to me. watch. - wh-what are you doing? no, no... why? - now you can't bug me for your dumb money. - [screaming]

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[all talking] - concerned citizens, i thank you for coming. i know that you're all deeply troubled and want to find a quick and painful way to get rid of scott tenorman once and for all. yes, clyde? - who's scott tenorman? all: yeah. - scott tenorman is an eighth grader who sold cartman his pubes for $10, and now cartman's all pissed off. - $16.12. he is a disease. he is a cold, calculating man, and i will have revenge! - what are you gonna do? - did you guys see that movie hannibal, where the deformed guy trained giant pigs to eat his enemy alive? well, if we find a pony, we can train it, train it to bite off scott tenorman's wiener. it will be painful and humiliating. everyone will see it happen. and then scott tenorman will forever be known as the kid who had his wiener bitten off by a pony! ha, ha, ha!! - what's in it for us? - what? - yeah, why should we all care about getting scott tenorman back for you?

- oh, right. why should we care? yes, why should we care? indeed. let's just let scott tenorman walk away with my $16.12. hell, let's let all the scott tenormans of the world take what's ours and laugh in our faces. why stand up for yourself when you can just walk out of here right now and say it's not your problem. but, years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day, this one day, where you could have made a difference. where you could've told scott tenorman, "you may take our pride, but you'll never take my goddamn $16.12"? now, who's with me? - timmy! - christ. all right, i guess it's just you and me, timmy. - oh, no, not timmy. [door slams] - there we go. come and get it! come on, pony, bite the wiener. bite it. come on, good pony. that's it. now, bite it off! bite off the wiener, good pony! oh, no, pony, he'll like that.

- eric, are you training that pony to please you? - no, i'm trying to teach it how to bite someone's penis off. - oh, well, does mr. jenkins know you're using his pony? he shoots trespassers on sight, you know. - he said it was okay. - all right, then. wait, why the hell are you training jenkins' pony to bite off someone's penis? - because... of scott tenorman. i hate him, and i want to make him suffer. - well, son, i think you've got a pretty stupid plan there. - not like that, pony! - look, if you wanna get revenge on somebody, you've gotta think like a hunter. - what do you mean? - step one: find someone's weakness. step two: exploit that weakness. - how do i do that? - what do you see? - i see scott tenorman, with his ginger red hair and his stupid freckles. and god damn it! i hate him! i hate him! - no, young hunter. i mean, what do you see? you must learn all you can about your kill. - right, right. let's see...

there's posters, radiohead posters. and he's reading a magazine about radiohead. - what's a radiohead? - you know, that band that sings that song. ♪ well, i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo ♪ - [through voice box] ♪ what am i doing here ♪ - oh, jesus, don't start singing, ned. - so the subject is a big radiohead fan, huh? [cockney accent] maybe i should come up with a lit'l scheme that involves them. - nice thinking, young hunter. - whoa. - what? - i'm looking in scott's parents' room. scott's mom's about to take off her bra. - what? give me those! holy crow, he's right, ned! mrs. tenorman's lettin' the twins out. - let me see. - radiohead... yes, of course. - dear god, they're even bigger than i ever imagined! - let me see, let me see! - here you go. wow, those were great. maybe i should go grab some beers, ned. ned, what-- are you jackin' it? - kinda. - well, stop it! - hey, what the hell are you doing out there? - oh, crap! - who's out there? - ned, for christ's sakes, stop jackin' it. - i can't. - don't think i don't see you! i know who you are, and i'm calling the police! - whoa! - whoops! - i gotta get out of here!

[doorbell rings] - oh, hey, scott. how's it going? i was just wondering, do you like the band, uh, radiohead at all? - uh-huh. - oh, really? oh, 'cause they're doing a big interview on mtv, and they're playing it tonight on a big screen downtown. everyone's gonna be there. - oh, cool. thanks for telling me. - you're welcome, scott. okay, well, looks like everyone is here. let's play the video, shall we? - welcome back to mtv. we're here with the members from radiohead, probably the hottest band in the world right now. guys, when is your next album coming out? [cartman dubbed over] that's an interesting question, kurt. but first i'd just like to say, that i really hate this kid named scott tenorman. he's stupid. - yeah, i hate scott tenorman too. - i think all the guys in the band hate him, right, guys? - oh, jesus, did you hear that, scott? - and, will there be a new tour? - well, we would tour, but we just hate that scott tenorman kid so much that we don't want to. - yeah, scott tenorman is totally not cool. he's not cool. - wow, that really sucks for you, scott. scott?

ha, ha, ha, ha! did you see that? scott must've run home so embarrassed. ha, ha, ha! and you know what? that wasn't really radiohead talking. i just dubbed their voices over. ha, ha, ha! what a retard! and everyone saw it! [feedback whistling] - ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's time for the amazing pube boy! - ♪ i'm a little piggy, here's my snout ♪ ♪ oink, oink, oink oink, oink, oink ♪ [all laughing] ♪ i'm a little piggy here's my snout ♪ [laughter increasing] - oh, my god, he killed kenny. - that does it. i'm gonna get scott tenorman once and for all!! [thunder crashes] you think you're so cool, scott tenorman. we'll see how cool you feel after this. yes, yes... yes! [muttering] ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

yes, it is the most genius plan ever. scott tenorman is going to wish he never met me!

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it only takes a second for an everyday item to become dangerous. tide pods child-guard pack helps keep your laundry pacs in a safe place and your child safer. to close, twist until it clicks. tide pods child-guard packaging. progressive makes it easy to save with a quick commercial auto quote online. so you can get back to your monster to-do list. -really? -get a quote at progresivecommercial.com. - okay, cartman, what do you want? - stan, kyle, thanks for coming. i've got it all figured out. - got what all figured out? - how to get scott tenorman back. - oh, jesus. - i've just finished planning a "brilliant lit'l scheme" that should put scott in his place for good. and if you help me, i'll give each of you $2. - okay, so what's the plan? - it's the brilliant combination of my last two plans.

scott tenorman's favorite band is radiohead, right? - yeah? - so, i realized, what if we got radiohead to come here to south park, right? then they could meet scott tenorman and... see him get his wiener bitten off by a pony! - what? - don't you see? if i can get this pony to bite off scott's wiener in front of radiohead, then scott would cry. and if scott cries, then radiohead will think scott tenorman is totally not cool! and that would make scott tenorman want to die. ha, ha, ha! okay, i'll keep working on the pony. you guys go get radiohead to play here. ready? break! - you're such a dumb-ass, cartman. - fine, i'll do it myself! you guys just watch! ready, pony? bite it! yes! - thom, will you stop reading fan mail? we have work to do. - just a second, fellas. listen to this. "dear radiohead, my name is eric cartman. "i'm a young, supple eight-year-old boy "from south park, colorado. "i'm writing to you because of a kid i know "named scott tenorman. "scott is 15, and i'm afraid he has cancer. "in his ass.

"radiohead is his favorite band, and it would make his short life "if you could find it in your hearts "to visit him before he dies, alone, scared. "won't you please consider it? i don't think he'll make it past next tuesday, around 5:00." - wow, we have to go. - to colorado? but we've got an album to mix. - didn't you hear the letter? this poor kid has cancer! in his ass! [phone ringing] - hello? - scott tenorman? - what do you want? - we just wanna warn you, eric cartman, the fourth grader, is going try to trick you somehow into getting your wiener bitten off by a pony that lives at jenkins ranch. - how do you know? - 'cause we're his friends. - then why are you telling me? - 'cause we hate him. - oh. - well, we just thought we'd let you know. see ya. - see ya. [doorbell rings] - hello, scott. - hey. - i was just stopping by to invite you to my "chili con carnival." it's a chili cook-off with rides. everyone's coming, and i wanted to drop by your invitation personally. - ooh, a chili carnival, huh? that sounds great. - yeah, there's even gonna be a big surprise so you won't wanna miss it, scott. oh, and here.

here's a coupon good for one free pony ride. - wow, a pony ride. neat. - oh, it will be very neat, scott. - gosh. chili, rides, and ponies. what more could i want? - [quietly] a little penis-biting, perhaps. - what? - nothing, nothing. so you'll come for sure, then, scott? - how could i turn it down? - sweet, killer. bye, scott. oh, you are good, eric. you are very, very good. mom, dad, that was my good friend eric at the door. he told me that there's a starving pony at jenkins ranch that's been abandoned. - oh, dear. - yeah, i feel really bad, but i don't know how i can help it because i have a lot of homework to do. - well, don't you worry, scott. your mom and i can go get the pony and have it taken to an animal shelter. - we sure can. - wow, would you really? i feel so much better now. - oh, scott, you're such a loving, caring boy. i'm so proud of you. - i'm proud of you too, mom. - let's go, hon. - let's. - what are you doing, scott? - what's it look like? i'm making chili. - did you bring the goods? - we got everyone we could find to chip in. there's pubes from just about every kid in town in here. - awesome. - oh, dude!

- the little fat kid thinks he's gonna get revenge tomorrow. we'll see how he likes it when i tell him he just ate the pubes of every kid in town. - yeah! [all laughing] oh no, a rash. maybe it'll go away. awww, how am i going to find a doctor i'll actually like? is that a qr code? dr. stafford makes you feel at ease. thanks rash! you've got more options than you know. book now. >> tech: need to get your windshield fixed? safelite makes it easy. you can schedule in just a few clicks. and we'll come to you with a replacement you can trust.

>> vo: schedule free mobile service now at safelite.com. ♪ safelite repair, safelite replace. ♪ - oh, hello, guys. thanks for coming to my chili con carnival. - this is the dumbest thing you've ever done, cartman. - oh, it won't be so dumb when scott tenorman arrives. i suggest you stay to see the fireworks. - oh, we will. trust us. we wouldn't miss this. - what's so funny? - oh, nothing. it's just cool how you're gonna get scott tenorman back. is radiohead here yet? - not yet, but they will be. - yeah, sure. - hello, eric. - hey, chef. - i made some chili to enter into the contest. - what contest? - this is a chili cook-off, ain't it? - huh? oh, yeah, i guess it is. here, just put it over here. - it's my special recipe. - scott tenorman!

how are you, scott? thanks so much for coming. - oh, i wouldn't miss this for anything. - likewise. well, come on. you've got to see the pony. - just a second, don't you wanna taste my chili first? - well, yeah, but there's a special guest coming, and i want you to be near the pony when they arrive. - well, i don't want it to get cold. i think i can win first prize. - all right, scott, let's go over to the judging table and we'll try the chili first. god damn it. - all right, i guess we should taste each other's chili, huh? - this chili looks pretty good. here's mine. - mmm, i don't know, your chili is good, cartman. but i think mine is better, try it. - all right. hey, this is great! - it's a special recipe. - god, this is really good, scott. - i'm glad you like it so much, because now that you're almost finished, i have something to tell you. - what? you mean about how you put pubes in your chili?

- what? - yes, i'm afraid this isn't your chili, scott. i switched it with chef's. it's delicious, chef. i hadn't planned on that. what i did plan on, however, was that my friends stan and kyle would betray me and warn you that the chili con carnival was a trap. i assumed that they would tell you that i trained jenkins' pony to bite off your wiener. what they didn't tell you was that jenkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. knowing that you would go and try to do something to the pony, i warned mr. jenkins that violent pony killers were in the area. i also knew that you wouldn't go yourself for fear of having your wiener bitten off. you would most likely send your parents. and i'm afraid that when mr. jenkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. [gunfire] - well, they was trespassin', and i was protectin' myself. i have my rights. - my...mom and dad are dead? - i came just in time to see mr. jenkins giving his report to officer barbrady, and of course to steal the bodies. after a night with the hacksaw, i was all ready

to put on my chili con carnival. so that i could tell you personally about your parents' demise. and of course, feed you your chili. do you like it? do you like it, scott? i call it... "mr. and mrs. tenorman chili." - oh, my god! oh, my god! - ♪ nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah ♪ ♪ i made you eat your parents ♪ ♪ nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah ♪ - jesus christ, dude! - my mom and dad are dead! no, no! - ah, excuse me? - who are you? - we're that band, radiohead. - jeez, what a little crybaby. - you gonna cry all day, crybaby? - you know, everyone has problems. it doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it. - come on, guys, let's go. this kid is totally not cool. - yeah, that's the most uncool kid i've ever met. - little crybaby. - no, wait! wait! oh, my god! oh, my god! - yes! yes!

oh, let me taste your tears, scott. mmm, your tears are so yummy and sweet. - dude, i think it might be best for us to never piss cartman off again. - good call. - oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness. mmm, yummy, yummy, you guys. yibbidy-bip-- that's all, folks! captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces toeverywhere ♪♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪