- [mumbles] - say, terrance, can you tell me who farted? - he sure did, phillip. - no, i'm asking you his name. - and so terrance and phillip got back together, proving once and for all that fame and fortune are never as important as friendship. - ♪ beef and lamb chicken and ham ♪ ♪ step to the left and clap your hands ♪ ♪ gosh we love that chicken and ham ♪ ♪ don't they love that chicken and ham ♪ [clapping] ♪ beef and lamb chicken and ham ♪ ♪ step to the left and clap your hands ♪ ♪ gosh we love that chicken and ham ♪ ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] >> jon: hey! welcome to "the daily show" my name is jon stewart! we have a terrific program for you tonight. i hosted on thursday and i am back on monday. i just don't know how much longer i can do it. barely any rest. just slept in a hyperbaric chamber. i'm going to be talking to one of my favorites, ilana glazer is going to be joining us. [cheers and applause] she is the best. but first, let's get into the news. as you know, the fascinating penis-themed trial of professor donald bartholomew trump continued today. what you might not know is that it is not the only salacious, high-level government-official trial going on today.

because right across the street, in new york's famed public corruption district, new jersey democratic senator robert menendez -- [audience reacts] my god, menendez turned heel. they are not booing -- well, they were booing. he faced the first day of his reckoning. >> federal prosecutors allege the former chair of the powerful senate foreign relations committee conspired with his wife nadine to accept bribes from a trio of wealthy businessmen in exchange for political favors to help the governments of qatar and egypt. >> the powerful senator allegedly pressured the department of agriculture to help an associate maintain a monopoly on the importation of halal meat to the united states.

[laughter] >> jon: i don't mean to get sentimental here, but in what other country in the world can a cuban-american senator work hand-in-hand with an egyptian-born businessman to corner the halal meat market? [laughter and applause] ♪ living in america ♪ but yes, senator menendez is accused of using his access and influence as senator to illegally help a variety of shady governments and clients. but what evidence do we really have? >> federal agents searched the menendez home in june 2022, finding over $480,000 in cash. >> two bags filled with $100,000 each. >> $100,000 worth of gold bars. >> payments toward a mortgage. >> a mercedes benz convertible. >> furniture, exercise equipment, even an air purifier. >> four boots stuffed with cash. >> cash even found in the senator's embroidered congressional jacket.

>> jon: sacrilege! cash in the lining of a congressional jacket, which, oddly enough, is reversible. but the money is in his house. and his jacket and his boots. and it has lining his pockets. but none of it ties the money to menendez or egypt! >> the indictment says, upon returning from one trip to egypt, menendez performed a web search for how much is one kilo of gold worth. [laughter and applause] >> jon: damn you, metric system! i would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and your

base-10 system of measurements and weights! there could be a lot of reasonable, benign explanations for why a senator's house would be stuffed with cash and gold bars. home heating insulation, perhaps? or something stupider? >> according to "the new york times," his lawyers now offering a new explanation as to why he had thousands of dollars in gold and in cash in his home. they say that the habit is rooted in traumatic family history. [audience reacts] >> jon: "these are simply my emotional support gold bars! whenever i am not with them, i get anxious. people respond to trauma in different ways." now when it comes to any trial, of course, and we've seen this

play out endless times, finding an impartial journey. >> defense attorneys have proposed asking prospective jurors if they have opinions about people from new jersey and do they think that because they are from new jersey, that they're more likely to break the law. [laughter and applause] >> jon: you mother[bleep]. you bury one union leader at your football stadium whilst running a human organ trafficking ring through some secaucus rabbis, and suddenly your whole state is a suspect. you believe this, tone? huh, tone? you will leave this? anti-new jersey discrimination, that's what it is! so obviously this is shaping up to be one of the more cartoonishly blatant corruption cases in some time.

jersey guy with gold bars stuffed in his jacket and a nice freezer of some halal meats. anything else that might speak to the general character of this united states senator? >> menendez has denied any wrongdoing. according to court filings, his lawyers indicate he may try to blame his wife. [audience reacts] >> jon: yes, it's those three magic words every woman is dying to hear: "it was her!" "she did it!" you know, i'd feel a lot worse for her if she wasn't also demonstrably a terrible person. read up on it. i can't explain everything right now. i will just say this. [bleep] awful.

but perhaps the dumbest thing about this entire, not-quite-believable, "real housewives" episode, is how unnecessary it all is. you, sir, are an elected official in america's most respected legislative body. it's like a license to print money! you don't need to break the law so cartoonishly when the legal corruption in the senate is so [bleep] lucrative! which brings us to our new segment: senator robert menendez, "how dumb is you?" ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] as a new jersey resident, as a constituent of yours, senator menendez, i have to ask, with all due respect: "how [bleep] dumb is you?" promising favors to foreign entities for a little chump

change on the side, it's bush-league, when, as a u.s. senator, you can enrich yourself in so many different, let's-call-them-legal ways? for instance, the stock market! >> members of congress' stock portfolios consistently beat the s&p 500. >> the average hedge fund was beating the market at 7%. the study found that the average u.s. senator was beating the stock market by 12%. >> jon: the average u.s. senator. and if you think it is because the average u.s. senator is just so smart, this is the average u.s. senator! tommy tuberville, an ex-football coach who doesn't know the three branches of government. oh, but when it comes to the stock market, he sees the matrix! how do they do it? well, the secret is a shrewd understanding of the intricate

interconnectivity of global markets -- i'm kidding, they have inside information. >> california congressman democrat, named alan lowenthal, his wife sold shares of boeing march 5th of 2020. the very next day, the committee on which he serves in the house released a damaging report on the boeing 737 max. >> jon: oh, my god! what timing! you see that? see, the rest of us find out about boeing's problems as we are being sucked out of the fuselage mid-flight. just flying out over the wing. [applause] you are flying in the air over the wing. "sell, sell!" "i don't think they are good!" and it happens all the time! north carolina senator richard burr received a private briefing in 2020 about how bad the covid pandemic was going to be for america.

and he immediately sold off his stocks, saving himself a small fortune. of course, he had a reasonable explanation. >> we wanted to ask you about those stock trades back in february of 2020. you know, the sec says that you had material nonpublic information when you made those trades? >> you have to look at what i put out. >> i did look at what you put out. how is that not insider trading? >> jon: i'm so sorry, sir. i wanted to answer your question. if only there was a button that kept elevator doors open! by the way, if you don't have a gold-plated elevator, you can avoid these types of questions yourself by just pretending to take the stairs. "oh, i am sorry. taking the elevator back up." [cheers and applause] i would do that bit more but my

knees hurt! as soon as i did the first one, because i didn't do in rehearsal, i did it just now and i was like, that is not a good idea! that is one of those where you are like, stop the taping and pull me back up! now you might be wondering to yourself, how does congress get away with all of this? it may be because congress is regulated by, let me check my notes here... congress! and it's congress that has refused to even hold a vote on the bills that have been proposed to ban members of congress from trading stocks. because not letting members of congress insider trade would be un-american! just listen to one of the biggest beneficiaries of this stock windfall. >> should members of congress and their spouses be banned from trading individual stocks while serving in congress? >> no. no to the second one. this is a free market and people -- we have a free market economy. they should be able to participate in that. >> jon: oh, free-market. excuse me, ms. speaker, i don't mean to interrupt.

i'm martha stewart from the "why the [bleep] did i go to jail times-picayune." why the [bleep] did i go to j jail? [applause] but here's the thing, in a free market, everyone has access to the same information... so unless you're going to put us all on the committees, i don't get it. now to be fair, congress does have rules against corruption. members of congress are not allowed to receive what might be viewed as enticements or bribes from lobbyists. no free concert tickets. they cannot accept food -- baked goods, sandwiches, et cetera. it just wouldn't be proper. but in congress's infinite wisdom, they do allow organizations to set up leadership pacs, where a congressperson can turn political donations from lobbyists into slush funds. a pharma lobbyist cannot buy a senator a panini and some nyquil, but through the pac, they can pay for five-star hotels for kirsten gillibrand, luxury resorts for ted cruz, and even golf lessons for rand paul. it's all in ayn rand's

famous book "atlas putted." really? that is my literate crowd. "i read that in college actually." this is corruption in plain sight. we won't accept gifts, but if i want to have a luxury experience, and you would like to pay for it, and then join me on said experience, where we can discuss issues important to you and your industry, who's the wiser? right, senator mike lee of utah? >> shortly after this slope-side lunch for 22 friends, we decided to ask senator mike lee just why he's doing this. >> politicians raise funds and this is what we do. i enjoy skiing. thank you very much. thanks a lot. >> jon: from now on, i am ending every uncomfortable conversation i have about anything with, "i enjoy skiing."

"good day!" [cheers and applause] but -- but are luxury lobbying vacations still too much work, senator menendez? 'cause you could always write laws that directly benefit your side business, like the way senator chuck grassley netted $370,000 in farm subsidies. or the $5.3 million that california representative doug lamalfa got for his gentleman farm. and by the way, for that money, you better be growing actual [bleep] gentlemen! it's all legal, and not a gold bar in sight! or you could leverage your stature in government to get lucrative lobbying positions for your wife and your three kids, like missouri senator roy blunt. >> i don't even understand why that would be a question. everybody's family does something. >> jon: "my father was a corporate lobbyist, like his father and his father before him."

yes, everybody's family does something. for instance, your daughter might receive unusually greenlighted chinese patents. or your son-in-law might receive billions in no-questions-asked saudi investment. or your son might get a lucrative seat on a corporate board. let's hear hunter explain that one away. >> if your last name was not biden, do you think you would have been asked to be on the board of burisma? >> i don't know, i don't know, probably not. >> jon: holy shit. out of all the senators and representatives who dodged and prevaricate it and wouldn't answer any [bleep] questions, you know you're in trouble when the most honest and transparent person in a story of government corruption is the ex-crackhead. yeah. [cheers and applause]

i don't know if i like jon stewart anymore. [laughs] now you might think, "someone should step in and stop congress from being able to enrich themselves. perhaps the supreme court!" well, it will come as no surprise that the same guys who think it's fine to accept a luxury winnebago from a wealthy businessman have made it much harder to police corruption. in a decision called mcdonnell versus the united states, they said that the appearance of corruption is not nearly enough for it to be considered against the law. it must be... >> this very narrow quid pro quo idea. you know, i'm going to give you a cartoonish sack of money in exchange for an actual vote. >> jon: "whilst twirling my handlebar mustache!" at every turn, our congress and our courts have been given a choice: be less corrupt, or re-define what constitutes corruption, and get on with your bad selves.

it's a game of reverse limbo. having trouble getting under the bar of corruption we've set? well... ooh! how about now? robert menendez's gold bars in exchange for favorable legislation is obviously, cartoonishly corrupt. but for anyone out there who thinks the status quo of government patronage and influence is of an entirely different species than menendez? how dumb is you? when we come back, ilana glazer will be joining us. don't go away. [cheers and applause] look at the salt on that dressed dos equis.

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to look the best it possibly can. i want my customers to look at that meat and say wow, like, real meat is something that you can taste the difference in. raised without antibiotics- all that stuff. it's good. it's quality food. i love your dress. oh thanks! i splurged a little because liberty mutual customized my car insurance and i saved hundreds. that's great. i know, right? i've been telling everyone. baby: liberty. did you hear that? ty just said her first word. can you say “mama”? baby: liberty. can you say “auntie”? baby: liberty. how many people did you tell? only pay for what you need. jingle: ♪ liberty. liberty. liberty. ♪ baby: ♪ liberty. ♪ summertime back then looked a little different.

♪ higher love ♪ by: whitney houston but while summer may change, it always tastes great. so reach for your favorite chips and sips and taste more summer. this makes no sense. what has lunch become? we deserve better. this is popeyes new golden bbq sandwich - so sweet and tangy. let's bring flavor back! bring taste back! let's bring lunch back! we don't make sense. we make chicken. ♪ love that chicken from popeyes ♪

[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an actor and a comedian. she co-wrote and stars in the new film "babes." >> i am 28 for 28.

i could do a 29th? >> yeah, no. you are clearly pregnant. >> okay. i don't know how this could have happened. i have had sex once since my last period but i was on my period. >> so? >> so you can't get pregnant on your period. >> girl. >> girl? >> girl. >> girl. >> girl. >> girl, yes, you can. >> girl, stop. >> girl, you stop. we went to the same school. we learned the same shit. >> come on. no, you can't. >> ma'am, i'm a doctor. >> you are a dentist. >> jon: please welcome ilana glazer! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ ilana glazer! first of all, you know i love you. >> i just love you, jon stewart. >> jon: and i love you a lot!

>> [laughs] >> jon: and, boy, this movie is so good! >> thank you. >> jon: the relationship between you and michelle is so lovely and easy and just natural. >> and we've been friends for 20 years. >> jon: oh, for real? >> for truly 20 years. she is like -- >> jon: the hugs are real. >> big titty just uh -- we are just -- [cheers and applause] michelle loves top titty meat. our top titty meat just spilling over. 20 years -- [laughter] top titty meat, jon stewart, you know what i mean? [cheers and applause] to be honest -- [cheers and applause] to be honest, this is how women talk. >> jon: yes. >> when we first sent this script out, i wrote this with -- my mom just called you back stage the number one mensch. you are like number two compared to josh raibnowitz who i wrote

this with. >> jon: you wrote this script with him. yeah, yeah. he is number one. >> such a mensch. and you know, when -- and susie fox, our producer -- as we were writing this and collaborating it, we put a list together of the most surprising and absurd experiences we were having becoming parents, and we couldn't believe that these things hadn't been covered in film. >> jon: is there anything more fun than talking about a movie that they have not seen yet? there is very little i enjoy more than the secret information that you and i have, that they -- >> [laughs] >> jon: i imagine the "oppenheimer" people did that. they came around and said, "you know what he said to einstein?" the audience is like, i don't [bleep] know what the movie is is. >> should i give a summary? >> jon: do you want to give a summary? >> i will give a summary. >> jon: give a summary. [cheers and applause] >> so this movie is about two best friends who are in very different points in their lives. dawn, who is played by michelle buteau, has two kids and a husband and my character,

eden, is single and a free spirit and gets knocked up and decides to keep the baby. >> jon: [laughs] >> and their friendship is tested thereafter, and hilarity and verklemptness ensues -- >> jon: also pathos. >> mad, mad pathos. crumbs, no crumbs. >> jon: they leave no crumbs! i just love you so much and you are so good. >> i love you too. thank you. >> jon: everything you do is filled with bangers after bangers. the lines are so funny and your stuff is so good. >> oh, my gosh, thank you. >> jon: for god's sakes, woman. >> it is my honor, my pleasure, you are my hero. >> jon: stop it. [cheers and applause] "babes" will be in theaters this friday, may 17th. ilana glazer. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

-electric for short trips... -hmmm? ...gas for long. hmmm? quite the paradox... -it really is both. -hmmm. the lexus rx plug-in hybrid. ♪ ♪ higher love ♪ by: whitney houston summertime back then looked a little different. ♪♪ but while summer may change, it always tastes great. ♪♪ so reach for your favorite chips and sips and taste more summer. do you guys think we come here too much?

♪ your cousin from boston ♪ summer ale! octoberfest! winter lager! cold snap! nah! it's sam season

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...and coldest winters. (♪♪) all on one track. to prove these three-row suvs were built for the unstoppable. kia. movement that inspires. [cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show for tonight! before we go, we check in with your host for the rest of the week, desi lydic! desi! [cheers and applause] gesturing in your direction. desi, what do you have for us this week? >> well, tomorrow night is the wnba season opener and caitlin clark's big debut. [cheers and applause] which actually reminds me, i need to apologize to her real quick. caitlin, i am so sorry that my

hosting week is overshadowing your big night. i don't get to choose when i host, it's just on rotation, but i promise i'm not trying to pull focus. i'm a girl's girl, okay? i got your back. [cheers and applause] >> jon: i am sure there is going to be room for everybody that night. people could maybe tune into both. >> maybe... or maybe the wnba pushes the start of the season back a week. i think that would be better for her. >> jon: yeah, i don't know if they are going to do that. desi lydic, hosting all this week. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> i don't think -- that is hannibal lector, the legendary hannibal lector, and they are coming into our country now, totally unchecked, unvented. that is hannibal lector. hannibal lector. the "silence of the lambs" and stuff, you know? hannibal lector was from the

insane asylum. "silence of the lambs." has anybody ever seen "silence of the lambs"? the late great hannibal lector is a wonderful man. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - and so it is with heavy hearts that we say good-bye to mabel louise cartman. she was a good woman, a community leader, a caring wife, providing mother, and a loving grandmother. - mom, it's 3:30. this is taking up my whole saturday. - shh, pumpkin, it's almost over. - why couldn't the funeral have been on a school day?

- and now let us bow our heads in a moment of silence and reflect on how mabel touched our lives. - god, she didn't take this long to die. - and now we release the doves to symbolize the lord taking mabel into his arms and giving her everlasting peace. - peace. - great. now can we go? - no, sweetie, we have to tend to some of grandma's business. - ohh! god damn it! - "and so i leave my stocks and bonds "worth an estimated $14.12 to be divided amongst my loving family." - mom, i wanna go home! - in a minute, sweetie. this is important. - "my loving son stinky, i leave you the house in nebraska. look after it as your father and i did." - blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. - "to my grandson eric, "you were always my favorite fat little man, my perfect round little pudding piler." - oh, god, you have to embarrass me even in death, grandma. - "for you, eric, i leave, "from my life savings, the sum of $1 million,

to be transferred to you immediately." - whosa-jigga-what? - a million dollars? - "eric is the primary benefactor of my estate, "since it is likely the rest of you would spend the money on crack." - oh, my. - that can't be! - excuse me. does this mean i have $1 million? - yes, eric, it's yours. - no way. you don't understand. since i was two years old, it has been my dream to have 1$ million. - and now you do. - oh. [screaming] [screaming continues] - there you are, jennifer lopez! you've been most uncooperative, miss lopez. - no, please! i promise i'll never make another album or movie. - it's too late for that, miss lopez. - have mercy! pop! - yeah-ha! - awesome! - you guys, you guys! [mumbling]

- why? - because! [mumbling] - nuh-uh. - no, swear to god, it's true... - you better not be lying, kenny. - 999,400... 999,500... - damn, dad, i've never seen that much cash. - me neither. - 999,900... 1 million. - look at it. look at it, mother. see how the light reflects the spearmint green from its surface. - eric, that is a lot of money. don't you think you should keep it in the bank instead of at your house? - i'm not keeping it, mr. garrison. i'm spending it. - on what? - on my dream, on the one thing that i've wanted ever since i can remember. - excuse me, son. i'm an investment broker. i can help you invest that money. - nuh-uh, i'm spending it. - eric, god could sure use that money for a bigger church. - i think god has plenty of money. - what the hell are you doing, fat-ass? - not much, just taking my $1 million out of the bank.