you're hanging from a rope. you have hardly any clothes on. teachers are yelling at you, "where's your jockstrap?" you know, and kids are throwing dodge balls at you. you're trying to survive. then it's history, science, language. there's something off in the whole flow of that day. [♪♪] [♪♪] ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, desi lydic! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> desi: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm desi lydic. we've got so much to talk about tonight. king charles gets haunted by his own portrait, trump and biden finally set a date, and we find out which bacterial infection is sponsoring the olympics! so let's get into headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's begin with king charles: the undisputed winner of white privilege. it's been one year since he was crowned eldest boy, and he just got the photos developed. >> mixed reaction this afternoon on the portrait just unveiled of king charles. take a look. it is the first since his coronation. the oil on canvas work of art features the king dressed in all red with a red background. he's wearing the uniform of the welsh guards, but there's also a butterfly landing over his right shoulder. >> desi: oh, god! i just remembered i have to buy tampons.

buy tampons. now obviously, this is a pretty big departure from other portraits of the royal family. for example, queen elizabeth was often painted with her beloved corgis. compare that to charles, who looks like he was painted with her corgis once kristi noem was finished with them. i do like having the butterfly there. it says: "i may be king of england, but i still love that song that goes: ♪ come, ma lady ♪ ♪ come, come, ma lady ♪ ♪ you're my butterfly ♪ ♪ sugah baby! ♪ it's a great song. it's a really great song. it still holds up. now clearly, this painting has gotten a lot of negative feedback. but king charles swears he loves the portrait. which probably means he's having an affair with another portrait on the side. but let's move on from a leader who struggled with infidelity, to a leader who has no problem with it at all: donald trump. there's been a lot of news on the campaign trial today, so

let's get right into it in another edition of "indecision 2024." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] it looked like today was going to be a quiet day on the campaign trail. it's wednesday, so donald trump had the day off from his porn star hush money trial, which he was going to spend trying to guess melania's new phone number. but his archnemesis, joe biden, had other plans. >> breaking news, just moments ago, president biden throws down the gauntlet and frankly some shade to donald trump, challenging him to a debate. >> donald trump lost two debates to me in 2020. since then, he hasn't shown up for debates. now he's acting like he wants to debate me again. well, make my day, pal! i'll even do it twice! so let's pick the dates, donald. i hear you're free on wednesdays. [cheers and applause] >> desi: oh, shit! yeah!

now that's the joe biden i know and moderately like! he ain't scared of nothin', besides natural causes. i got to admit, there was part of me that thought joe biden would be afraid to debate donald trump, because, you know, debating involves a lot of talking, and thinking, and standing. but woo! the way he powered through that 14-second video makes me think he's got this! i don't know why he dropped this challenge now. maybe he heard all those stories about trump sleeping through the trial and thought, "i can take this guy! we're on the same nap schedule!" but come on, trump skipped every primary debate like it was foreplay. there's no way he's going to accept biden's challenge. >> the former president responded to that video this morning on truth social saying, "just tell me when, i'll be there. let's get ready to rumble." >> desi: oh, shit! it's on! yeah! "let's get ready to rumble!" "make my day!" "i see dead people!"

"i want you to draw me like one of your french girls!" "wednesdays, we wear pink!" "welcome to jurassic park!" yeah, we're making moves now! biden and trump have agreed to debate! but they still need to agree on a date and a host. those logistics don't just come together within 45 minutes. >> president joe biden and donald trump have just accepted cnn's invitation to hold a debate on june 27th. that's just in a few weeks. >> desi: wow, okay! june 27th! joe biden is going to be debating donald trump! yay! i can't wait to watch... like this. [applause] but yeah, everything moved so quickly.

biden dropped that video and by noon, they had scheduled two debates. it's amazing how when they want to do something, they can get it done super fast. it kind of makes you kind of wonder why they don't fix other problems this fast, but whatever! we'll enjoy it. now, obviously, there are still details to be worked out. because even though joe biden said "make my day," he really meant "make my day, subject to terms and conditions." >> the biden campaigns wants the debate to occur inside a tv studio with microphones that automatically cut off when a speaker's time limit elapses and they want it to be just the two candidates and the moderator, without the raucous in-person audiences that mr. trump feeds on, and without the participation of robert f. kennedy jr. or other independent or third-party candidates. >> desi: yeah, i get where biden's coming from on this. you don't want crowds, because they give donald trump energy.

and you don't want rfk jr., because you can't risk losing to the guy with the brain worms. so they have to work out the details. trump has to agree to biden's stipulations, and he might have demands of his own, like, "every candidate gets a get-out-of-jail-free card," or "the debate moderator has to be a lady, and she has to kiss them on the mouth like the old "family feud." for more on this looming presidential debate, we go live to michael kosta at cnn headquarters. [cheers and applause] >> hi, desi. >> desi: michael, how are the candidates preparing? >> both sides are buckling down, desi. president biden is doing his classic pre-debate ritual of a glass of hot tea and an iv full of methamphetamines. meanwhile, trump's team is teaching him how to dig a tunnel through concrete with a spork, so he'll be able to break out of prison.

>> desi: okay, but michael, is all this even necessary? both candidates have already been president. we're not going to learn anything new about their policies. >> yeah, but this debate is not about learning their policies. it's about giving the american people a chance to see which candidate, medically speaking, has the least [bleep] up body. neither of them are giving us any details about their physical or mental health, so this is our only chance to get them in a room together and see if they can do presidential tasks, like "talk coherently for an hour" or "not hemorrhage blood through an orifice." >> desi: okay, so you're saying the american people should see this less as a debate and more as a secret medical exam? >> yeah, yeah. yes, which is why i suggest that cnn add some additional stipulations. for example, the candidates should each defend their tax policy, while following this finger with their eyes. or have them bend down and lift a five pound kettle bell and see

who breaks the least amount of bones. or bring out one of their grandkids and see if either of them know whose grandkid it is. or simply just see which one of them can start a lawnmower. >> desi: okay, so basically, we evaluate their physical and mental health, and whoever scores the highest gets to be president? >> absolutely not. no, this is all a ruse. once we get biden and trump in a room together, we can lock the door, and the rest of us can sneak out of america. [cheers and applause] then, we start a new country with younger candidates. you know, ones whose first kiss wasn't in the backseat of a model t. >> desi: but michael, even if we could do that, at some point, biden and trump would find their way to this new country, right? >> maybe, but the only entrance will be through a spiral staircase, so good luck! >> desi: ah, you've thought of everything! see you in our new nation, buddy. michael kosta, everyone. [cheers and applause]

when we come back, we'll fight about sports. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] ♪ is you with me now? ♪ ♪ then biggie-biggie-bounce ♪ ♪ i know you dig the way ♪ ♪ i sw-sw-switch my style ♪ (holla) ♪ people sing around ♪ ♪ now people gather 'round ♪ ♪ now people jump around ♪ ♪ go, get ur freak on ♪ ♪ go, get ur freak on ♪ ♪ go, get ur freak on ♪

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brought to you by gambling. gambling. it is literally free money. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> what's up, scrubs? i'm ronny chieng! >> and i'm jordan klepper! this is "sports war," the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. >> that's right -- i mean, that's wrong! >> no, you're wrong! let's get right to the biggest story of the night: caitlin clark made her pro debut, and learned everything gets a little less fun after college. >> welcome to the wnba, caitlin clark. the ncaa's all-time division-one scoring leader made her professional debut on the road with the indiana fever last night. she got off to a slow start, though, missing her first four shots before scoring on a lay-up midway through the second quarter. clark finished with 20 points in the fever's 92-71 loss to the connecticut sun. she also committed 10 turnovers. >> sorry, feminists! 10 turnovers and her team lost by 20 points?

in her first game? i've seen enough, man. i think caitlin clark is the worst basketball player in history. she's tall, white, and didn't show up when it mattered. she's the jordan klepper of the wnba. >> whoa, ronny, ronny, ronny, i'm going to hit you with my car and leave the scene. let's look at the stats, ronny. she scored 20 points. that's 4 more than michael jordan had in his rookie debut, which mathematically makes her stronger, faster, and better equipped to open a steakhouse than michael jordan! >> oh, you want to talk stats? >> it's right here. >> i have a stat right here you. jordan klepper didn't lose his virginity until you were 38! you're the goat of whatever that is. >> here's your stat: eat shit. moving on, we are officially 72 days away from the olympics in paris, and the organizers are finding themselves in deep doodie, literally. >> there is a huge effort to get the river seine fit for use in the olympic games. a report from earlier this month said that bacteria, including pollution of fecal origin, was

far higher than the river permitted. experts say that even a rainstorm could raise e. coli to an unacceptable level and olympic organizers still hope the river seine can be used for the swimming events. >> ooh, the river seine is filled with e.coli? that is gross! these athletes are going to pick up a disease at the olympics, it should be the old-fashioned way: unprotected sex in the olympic village. only way to do it. the only way to do it. >> wrong as usual, jordan. i think the olympics needs more e. coli! okay? because if you're a world class athlete, then prove it by pole vaulting with active diarrhea. >> you love e.coli, ronny. >> i love it. >> the last time i came to your house for a barbeque, you were sprinkling e.coli on chicken kebabs like salt bae. you know? >> yeah. >> your hospitality was for the birds, ronny. two stars. i was puking all night! >> yeah, well, i puke just from looking at your oblong head!

oblong face? is that how you say that? the point is, just like 4th of july at ronny's house, the olympics are going to be rife with e.coli. which brings us to: "j klepp's bet of the week," where you can pick which country will get the most e. coli in the 2024 olympics. brought to you by gambling. "gambling: start spending, you've already won." >> and don't forget to claim your 20% bonus boost by entering promo code "kleppersucks," all caps. >> i don't like that. i told you i didn't like that code! >> it's not you, it's a different klepper. >> fine, okay, that's -- >> just kidding, it's you. because you suck! >> i suck, you blow, who cares? we're all dead inside. get over it. let's talk about sports. >> all right, speaking of sports, a player on the kansas city chiefs is in some hot water after making the biggest mistake any football player could make: talking. >> some chiefs fans are feeling stunned this morning by the comments made by kicker harrison butker during the commencement speech at benedictine in atchison. >> butker claimed that a woman's most important role is that of a homemaker, and demanded that men be more masculine >> be unapologetic in your masculinity. fight against the cultural

emasculation of men. [boos] >> hey, i say we should listen to this kicker. they're the football players with the least amount of brain damage. i'm glad he's speaking up for emasculated men like jordan. congratulations, jordan. for the first time in your life, someone on the football team is speaking to you. you don't have to wear that fake varsity jacket anymore. >> [bleep] you, ronny, i told you that in confidence. moving to a new school is difficult. it was a natural way to make friends. [laughs] anyway, this kicker thing raises a larger problem. why do we have people kicking in american sports? americans handle balls with our hands, like ronny's mom. she does! >> wrong, jordan. you know my entire family has a foot fetish. >> true. >> which brings us to our bet everything wager of the evening: which useless position player will be next to wade into the culture war? as always, brought to you by: gambling. gambling: it will fix everything. >> oh, speaking of gambling,

let's move on to our final story. >> prosecutors in los angeles say shohei ohtani's former interpreter has agreed to plead guilty to stealing almost $17 million from the l.a. dodgers superstar. the u.s. attorney's office says ippei mizuhara used the money to pay off gambling debts and other personal expenses without ohtani's knowledge. >> this interpreter stole $17 million from ohtani? that settles it: interpreters should be outlawed. if you don't know the language, you should just have to guess. >> hard disagree, ronny. the problem isn't interpreters, it's languages. we should only have one. i suggest english. >> oh, big surprise. of course you suggest english, that's the only language your tiny brain can handle. the biggest head, the smallest brain. >> english is going to be the dominant global language for at least five more years. look, i'm speaking the major-league language here, why would i go back to triple-a and learn finnish?

>> finnish? that's not a real language, you dumbass! >> it is. it's what they speak in canada, ronny. read a book. but do it on your own time, because we're on to our big bet of the night: is this ohtani story yet another sign that america's normalization of gambling is corroding society? brought to you by gambling. remember gambling? bet now. live forever. well, we're out of time. join us next time on "sports war." we'll be debating michael jordan versus caitlin clark: who's more likely to contract e.coli? >> good night, america. gambling! [cheers and applause] >> here are my top three languages i'll never learn how to speak. dutch. duto help save for our home, [cheers and applause]

we stopped going on trips and giving each other expensive gifts. we handmade them instead. that one took me three weeks. getting prequalified for a home loan was easier. it only took like 3 minutes. - it■s you. - it■s me.

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[cheers and applause] >> desi: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an oscar-nominated actor who's currently nominated for a tony for her role in broadway's "doubt: a parable." she also stars in the apple tv+ series "sugar." >> you were talking in your sleep. you were calling out to someone, it sounded like, and other other language. do you speak some other language? >> i speak many other languages. what time is it? >> it's after 10:00. >> i should -- i should shower and start my day. >> i will get some coffee. sugar, do you seriously come honestly believe that you can drag me into whatever the dash that is without having to explain it que?

>> desi: please welcome amy ryan! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ you look stunning! >> thank you. >> desi: thank you for being here. this is such a treat. i'm such a fan of yours. >> this is a treat for me, thank you. be when you have so many iconic memorable roles. "gone baby gone," "the office," "the wire," "murders in the building." [cheers and applause] right? i don't know why the standard is 6 degrees of kevin bacon. it should be 3 degrees of amy ryan. you are in everything! [cheers and applause] and you are incredible and everything that you do. and congratulations. you're just nominated for your third tony! [cheers and applause]

>> thank you. >> desi: it is so well-deserved. i got the chance to see you, it was such a treat. you are exceptional in it, and i heard that you stepped in with a weak's notice? >> a week's notice. i got a phone call on late sunday night to step in, and i said, yes, and the following tuesday, i was wiped knuckling it on stage in a nun's habit, trying to remember lines. [laughs] it was a wild ride. >> desi: it is such a great thing to do to get that call and be like, hey, can you be here tomorrow? i need an answer immediately. >> it is brave or crazy. >> desi: i feel like you are so talented. you are one of the people that could actually be so confident to be like, i got this, and you did. you were incredible. >> thank you. >> desi: i heard that as part of your preparation, you slept on an air mattress? >> [laughs] it is not that i want to find the characters pain through a >> narrator: dress, it is more that i didn't want to wake up my family because i was getting

up at 5:30 in the morning to study lines, so i didn't want to wake my daughter before school. >> desi: you are a good mama. >> [laughs] i try. >> desi: you slept on an air mattress, you cut out sugar, dairy, and kathy end. >> just to help the immune system, which i haven't since been mainlining since the show . >> desi: as you should. i want to talk to you about this incredible show, "sugar." >> yes. >> desi: that you are starring in. it feels like kind of an oma's or a love letter to all of the classic noir gumshoe detective movies. were you a fan of those movies going into it? >> not really, but -- [laughter] but i love that this show opens it up it. i mean, i know my character is kind of the classic femme fatale, but we pulled away from the woman in distress and became, she just was a strong friendship, which you don't see, between a male character and a

female character, you assume they are going to, you know, and up rolling in bed by the first episode. but, and you know, if you have colin farrell, why would you want to roll in bed? >> desi: come on. >> let's just be friends. let's just be friends. >> desi: the pain. >> there was restraint and pain. >> desi: congratulations. you deserve an emmy for not jumping colin farrell's bones. >> i am a pro. [laughter] >> desi: so this show is on apple. i'm curious, there is a massive, massive twist. >> yes, yes. don't read anything. if you haven't watched it in time that apple has ask you to and you will binge it later on, stay away from anything you read. >> desi: don't read any spoilers. it is a huge, huge twist. i'm curious, did apple make you sign the same nda that they made the same guys that make their iphones? >> yaakov about that when i pick home, i think apple was picking up and all the scripts.

>> desi: always. it is so remarkable that you went from playing this, like, rock and roll -- x rock 'n' roll star addict, immediately, to the strictest nun. you ever worry that you were just too versatile as an actress? >> [laughs] >> desi: just too talented. >> i'm running out of hairdos. >> desi: you also have a movie that is coming out soon, "wolves." >> in september. >> desi: it stars george clooney and brad pitt. i have never heard of them. who are these fresh faces? >> huge careers ahead of them. >> desi: lots of potential. >> i would put your money on those guys. >> desi: [laughs] >> if you are a betting woman. >> desi: i bet you are going to blow them out of the water. i'm very excited. thank you so much. >> thank you so much for having me. >> desi: you are an a delight. the season finale of "sugar" airs may 17th on apple tv+. amy ryan. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this.

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[cheers and applause] >> desi: that's our show for tonight. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> what do you think of the painting? >> in one word, it is not a regal charles. it is coming through a red curtain because it looks like it has been put on. it is like two different paintings. now why they picked someone who doesn't know how to paint hands who is supposed to be an artist. >> sorry. captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪

- ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪

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