- thank you. [thinking] ooh, i hate a japanese people. they try and shut down my city wok. but they never will. they're probably all watching me, the japanese. let them. i'm not even gonna swat that fly. they'll see. and they'll say, "wow, that city wok owner, why, he wouldn't even harm a fly." [suspenseful music] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, michael kosta! [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ >> michael: welcome, welcome to "the daily show!" i'm michael kosta. we have so much to talk about tonight: rudy giuliani wants to be your barista, scarlett johansson does not want to be your ai, and we find out why kamala harris talks like that. but first, some major developments from the donald trump trial, so let's get right into it, in another edition of america's most tremendously wanted. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> the whole thing is a scam. >> michael: big news today: the trump trial is coming to an end, and just like stormy daniels said, it was over much more quickly than expected.

and we've heard from so many people during this trial: this blonde blob, this other blob, this one blob with the mustache. you know, it's just too bad no one has invented cameras yet. but we haven't heard from the biggest blob of them all: donald trump, who's been going around telling anybody who will listen that he is just itching to testify under oath. >> i would have no problem testifying. i didn't do anything wrong. i'm testifying. i tell the truth. i mean, all i can do is tell the truth. >> do you plan to testify in court? >> probably so. i would like to. i mean, i think so. >> will you testify in your own defense? >> oh, yes, absolutely. oh, on that... >> you'll take the stand? >> that i would do. that, i look forward to. >> president trump, are you going to testify? >> yes. >> michael: right at the buzzer! "yes!" but yes, donald trump has been saying for months how much he

wants to testify. he's like, "let's do it! swear me in on that shiny book that mike pence is always blah, blah, blahing about!" and after four weeks of trial, today it was finally time for trump to tell his side of the story. so here we go, big guy: it's the opportunity you've been waiting for. >> the defense has rested, testimony has wrapped, and donald trump notably did not take the stand. >> michael: what? what? what? what? after talking such a big game, he's not testifying? so he's doing the opposite of what he told us he was going to do over and over again? that's not the donald trump i know, and i played full contact hockey without a helmet this morning. but it's just so peculiar that outside the courtroom, with his legal pads of notes, he just talks and talks and talks, but then if you ask him to walk just a few feet inside the courtroom

and swear to tell the truth under penalty of law, suddenly he's afraid to speak? so what's the difference? is it the florescent lights? i mean, i hate to even come to this conclusion, but is it possible that donald trump is... full of shit? [cheers and applause] i mean, mr. trump, are you just full of shit? >> yes. [cheers and applause] >> michael: [laughs] i really wanted that. well, we should believe him. but let's move on from donald trump to his morally and financially bankrupt former lawyer, rudy giuliani. last week, he had an 80th birthday party, and he got a little surprise present. >> rudy giuliani was served with an indictment over the arizona 2020 fake elector scheme during his 80th birthday party late friday. giuliani was served two hours after boasting on social media that he would evade charges.

>> michael: god damn, i mean, served at his own birthday party. can you imagine? "hey, can someone take a picture of me taunting the arizona court? how about you, man in a suit and badge at my birthday party that i've never seen before?" and this indictment is on top of a $150 million defamation judgment against him. rudy need cashy. but luckily, he's got a side hustle. >> today, i'm thrilled to introduce you to something i'm incredibly proud of. my own brand of organic specialty coffee, rudy coffee. believe me when i say it's the best coffee you'll ever try. it's smooth, rich, chocolaty, and gentle on your stomach. >> michael: wow! gentle on my stomach and "chalk-ally"? i'll have mine with "malk" and "shlugar"! also, cool apartment, dude. i mean, your kitchen says serial killer, but the rest of the apartment says

still serial killer. and look, i'm glad there's finally a coffee commercial that's somehow creepier than the folgers one where the brother and sister clearly want to bone. i just can't believe he's calling it rudy's coffee and not "grounds zero." [audience reacts] let me keep going. and in case you're wondering where this delicious looking coffee is sourced from, i can assure you it comes directly from rudy himself. i told you. you never heard of drip coffee? by the way, why is it that you only see right-wing grifters hawking these cheap products? rudy's coffee, alex jones' supplements, donald trump's... everything. how come you don't see liberals getting grifted? i'll tell you why: because liberals are too smart to fall for patronizing scams like this. as i explain in my new book, "liberals are too smart to be scammed," available on my

website for just $79.99. order now and shipping is doubled. but look, it's important to remember that rudy wouldn't be doing any of this if he wasn't so deep in debt from all his legal bills. it's actually kind of heartbreaking. ♪ ♪ but you can help. for the price of just one bag of coffee, you can get this poor, broke, election-denier back on his feet. will you please help him smile again? oh, gross, no, not like that! forget it, take that away, never mind! let's move on to a story out of australia: the country named after the 2008 hugh jackman film, "australia." it's where one billionaire is learning that money can't buy you respect. >> an australian billionaire is apparently not too happy with the portrait of herself that's on public display. >> that is australia's richest woman, gina rinehart. she is one of 21 people featured

in the "australia in color" exhibit that's been on display since march at the national gallery of australia. it's reported rinehart is demanding that the gallery remove the portrait. >> michael: wait, wait, remove the portrait? what's the matter, you don't want people to know you testified at donald trump's trial? but anyway, what's the big deal with having an unflattering painting of you? you don't see any of picasso's models complaining that their eye is on their forehead. suck it up, lady! and even if you don't like it, don't whine about it. whining is what the rest of us do. whining is free. you have money. just pay another artist to paint a flattering portrait of you, then buy the museum and hang your portrait over the other portrait, then burn the whole museum down for the insurance money, and you end up making a profit! billionaire shit! let's go! [applause] yeah, use your head. but this story is really the

proof that maybe billionaires aren't as smart as we think they are. if this woman hadn't complained about this painting, practically nobody would have ever seen it. hell, i never would have heard of gina rinehart, or "australia" for that matter. animals with pockets? who thinks of this stuff? and finally, let's turn to a story about artificial intelligence. last week, openai released a new version of chatgpt that could talk. and a lot of people heard it and thought, "huh, this ai voice sounds a lot like scarlett johansson." and one of those people was scarlett johansson. >> this morning, an ai warning from hollywood. actress scarlett johansson saying this voice used by openai's virtual assistant, sky. >> hello, i'm really excited about teaming up with you. >> sounds, quote, "eerily similar" to her own. >> hi. how are you doing? >> the actress famously played an artificial intelligence system in the movie "her" in 2013. johansson says openai ceo

sam altman wanted to hire her to voice sky but that she declined the offer due to personal reasons. the actress telling nbc news when she later heard the ai voice, she was shocked, angered, and in disbelief. >> michael: this is not acceptable. openai should be punished for attempting to steal scarlett johansson's voice. in fact, from now on they should have to use an off-putting voice. like my uncle dan who's been smoking his whole life. "you don't want to go to that restaurant. that neighborhood's gotten real diverse, if you know what i mean. i miss vietnam." for more on the scarlett johannson controversy, we go live to san francisco, home of openai headquarters, with ronny chieng. [cheers and applause] ronny! ronny, how did sam altman think he could get away with this? >> because he's a nerd. and nerds have too much power now. look at mark zuckerberg, jeff bezos, elon musk.

you can't trust these [bleep] nerds! >> michael: i don't think that's an appropriate term. >> what, [bleep] or nerds? because what else do you call a bunch of weirdos who spend all day on computers and don't know how to act around women? >> michael: i mean, i call them socially awkward... shy... introverted... >> nerds! nerds! [bleep] nerds! and nerds used to know their place. they knew the rules. don't act weird, don't make eye contact, don't bring up "star trek." just keep your head down and get a job at nasa or hosting a show on msnbc. and it worked. nature was in balance. but at some point, we decided bullying was mean because nerds had feelings. and then we started treating them with respect, and that was a mistake. >> michael: ronny, doesn't everyone deserve respect? >> i swear to god, michael, you sound like such a [bleep] nerd. don't you understand? we gave them too much power, and look at what happened! they took over our financial

system, and now it's full of crypto. we let them build the tech industry, and now we're all mentally ill from social media. we even shaped our pop culture to cater to them, and we got 20 years of nothing but shitty superhero movies! except for the asian ones, those are great. >> michael: all right, all right. [cheers and applause] holy shit, you're right. so what do we do? >> the only solution is to make up for lost time. we have to find sam altman and give him 20 years worth of bullying all at once. i'm talking two decades worth of wedgies in one wedgie. okay? i want that underwear to go around his head, and then around again, over and over, until his ass can smell his face. >> michael: okay, but what type of fabric would have the tensile strength to support the recursive force required to -- >> i don't know. what do i look like, a [bleep] nerd? get that science shit out of here! >> michael: let me be clear. so you're advocating bullying? >> no, i'm advocating balance. our ecosystem requires a proper

mix of nerds and bullying, and it's out of whack right now, and i'm willing to be the hero that will get things back on track. [applause] >> michael: i don't know, ronny, is bullying ever really the answer? >> shut the [bleep] up. don't look me in the eye. give me your lunch money. >> michael: you're right, i'm sorry. ronny chieng, everybody. [cheers and applause] when we come back, we find out kamala's secret weapon. so don't go away. i am sorry. you are right. [cheers and applause]

with so many choices on booking.com there are so many tina feys i could be.

so i hired body doubles. mountain climbing tina at a cabin. or tree climbing tina at a beach resort. nice! booking.com booking.yeah. [cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." vice president kamala harris has been out on the campaign trail recently, which is very refreshing. for a long time, it felt like the white house was hiding her, possibly because whenever she speaks, it's mostly an unintelligible word salad. but it turns out, that's all on purpose. ♪ ♪ >> talking about the significance of the passing of time, right? the significance of the passage of time. so when you think about it, there is great significance to the passage of time. maybe it is a small issue. it is a big issue. you need to get to go and you need to be able to get where you need to go to do the work and get home.

it is time for us to do what we have been doing and that time is every day. every day, it is time for us to agree that -- >> she has come so far since our first session. ♪ ♪ my name is dahlia rose hibiscus and i am vice president of kamala harris' jalisco's thought advisor. what is a holistic thought advisor? well, it is holistic, yes? and i am advising. and what do we mean when we say that? it means that i am the one by whom the thoughts are being advised. from a place of advisement, and then once advised, communicated, holistically. >> what? >> you get it. ♪ ♪ >> i lead the vice president are not so much sentences as idea voyages. >> you think you just fell out

of a coconut tree? [laughs] you think in the context of all in which you live and what came before you. >> it is a process i call speaking without thinking. it is not about the destination of the thought. it is about the journey. and how many words you use to describe the journey. >> that is on top of everything else that we know and don't know yet, based on what we just have been able to see, and because we have seen it or not, doesn't mean it hasn't happened. >> whenever the vice president gives a speech from her staff, the first thing i do is cut out all the words individually, and then i take those words to my word cave. ♪ ♪ that is why i wait to learn what order of the universe wants them to be in. ♪ ♪ words have vibrations.

the feeling they give you is so much more powerful than what they mean. >> we have the ability to see what can be, unburdened by what has been, and then to make the possible actually happen. ♪ ♪ >> i hear the counter arguments all the time. people should be able to understand what their leaders are saying when they talk. but i prefer to leave kamala's thoughts open to interpretation, like a work of modern art that you look at and go, i wonder what that was all about. >> see the moment in time in which we exist in our present and to be able to contextualize it, to understand where we exist in the history, and in the moment as it relates not only to the past, but the future. >> it really is such a career highlight to be working with someone with such an advanced

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i am obsessed with olay's retinol body wash. with olay retinol body wash, 95% of women had visibly renewed skin. it makes my skin feel so smooth and moisturized. see the difference with olay. [cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an award-winning journalist, filmmaker, and bestselling author, whose latest book is called "in my time of dying: how i came face-to-face with the idea of an afterlife." please welcome sebastian junger! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

i mean, amazing to hear all of that. you had a near-death experience. you had an aneurysm. you bled out inside of your body. did you die? >> i am still working on that. >> michael: okay. >> i am pretty sure i didn't but that is one of the great mysteries is, how do we know we are here? >> michael: well, let's talk about that. you are here, so i know that you are here, but i guess it begs the question of belief? faith? of -- >> well, i mean, this is the problem. after i came back from the hospital -- i lost ten units of blood.

i came very, very close to dying. they barely saved me. and i have to stop here and say, i have been an atheist my whole life. my dad was a physicist. he was an atheist. i am a rationalist. i am not mystic. in fact, i'm anti-mystic. i am anti-woo woo. the works. >> michael: that being said, here comes some woo woo. >> [laughs] that's right. so all of a sudden, as he is working on my neck, i feel this immense black void appear beneath me, this black pit. and i'm getting pulled into it. i don't know i am dying but i know i don't want to go into the infinitely black pit. like, i have this sense that if you do that, you are not coming back, right? this sort of animal instinct. and i started panicking. as i panicked, my dead father appeared above me, and said, communicated to me, "it's okay, don't fight it, i will take care of you, you can come with me."

[laughs] and i was like, you are dead! i'm not going with you. dad, we have nothing to talk about, right? we will talk later, a lot later. and i said to the doctor, you've got to hurry. >> michael: that is such a son thing to say. >> totally. >> michael: i didn't [bleep] ask you to come over here. >> total complex. exactly, yeah. i said to the doctor, you got to hurry. you are losing me right now. i am going. that is the last thing i remembered for a while. >> michael: having this experience, touching death, how has it affected your life? i mean, does it give this more meaning? should we all get close to death so we appreciate this tiny moment we have? are these all the things you are grappling with? >> no, no. don't do that. there are shortcuts. >> michael: psychedelics,

ayahuasca. >> so my eyes -- i am still an atheist. but -- >> michael: i was going to ask you that. >> i'm still an atheist. i don't believe in god. but my mind was open to the possibility that there is some kind of post death reality, maybe at the quantum level, sort of reaching into my father's field of physics. maybe at the quantum level, we just don't understand how this all works. i say in my book, we might understand reality like a dog understands a television screen. like, there is no concept of the greater reality that is producing the image that the dog sees, that we see. so god and an afterlife are separate things. they don't need each other. you can have a god and no afterlife, an afterlife and no god, either or both. so i'm still an atheist. but what i would say is that the greatest -- i say this in my book -- i don't go to church. but i believe that the greatest worship of what some people call god's creation, which is the world and life, and what atheists just call creation,

the greatest worship of that is being fully engaged in your life in all -- in the moments of your life, in all of its emotional reality. >> michael: right. >> none of us know that this isn't our last day. no one in this room, no one on this earth knows this isn't their last day. so who do you want to be on this last day? be that person every day. so that, to me, is how one lives one's life. >> michael: quickly, some strangers that you didn't know help save your life by something we all can do every day, which is provide blood. >> yeah. so i needed ten units of blood. i lost two-thirds of my blood. i was 60 over 40 when i hit the e.r. ten anonymous donors gave me a unit of blood that saved my life. so now i give blood as much as i can. it doesn't hurt. it doesn't even take an hour. and there are very few opportunities where you can be

part of something greater than yourself in this modern society. the chance doesn't come up very much. it only comes up in three contexts. you need to vote. you need to serve jury duty. and you need to give blood. if you do those three things, you are an awesome human being. >> michael: i would say, one more. you have to buy -- [applause] you have to buy rudy giuliani's coffee. [laughter] thank you so much for being here and sharing your story. i very much appreciate it. [cheers and applause] "in my time of dying" is available now. sebastian junger. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

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we make chicken. ♪ love that chicken from popeyes ♪ [cheers and applause] >> michael: that's our show for tonight. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> it is not president biden who is not sharp. it is in fact donald trump. i'm going to talk about public reporting. this criminal trial started on april 15th and here is a summary of the press reports. on the first day of his trial, reuters reported that trump appeared to doze off during jury selection. >> i think he is praying.

but if he is sleeping, certainly looks pretty while he sleeps. ♪ ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪

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