chef ? can you hear me ? say something. ( "darth vader" voice ) hello there, children. how would you like some salisbury steak ? yes... go on. and for dessert... how would you children like to suck on my chocolate salty balls ? oh, you mean like a chocolate candy ? no, i mean my balls. yes... yes ! ha ha ha haaaa ! captioned by soundwriters™ ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, ronny chieng! [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> ronny: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm ronny chieng. we've got so much to talk about tonight. north korea is waging the world's dirtiest war, spelling bee is a scam, and finally, there's a place to see porn on the internet. did you know that? because i didn't. but first, joe biden has decided to start trying to win the election, so let's get into our latest installment of "indecision 2024!" ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's kick things off with the southern border: it's the line where america stops mowing its lawn. and border security is one of president biden's biggest weaknesses. it's why he tried to make a border deal with republicans earlier this year, and it's also

why republicans refused to make a deal with him. they were like, "how can we blame this for you if you fix it, you idiot?" so now, with his polls tanking five months before election day, biden is saying, "[bleep] it, i'll just do it myself." >> president biden taking major steps to stem the flow of migrants crossing the u.s. border illegally with a sweeping new executive action. >> biden's new executive order will allow u.s. immigration officials to deport migrants without processing their asylum claims when the number of illegal border crossings surpasses a specific threshold. sources tell "cbs news" that number is likely 2500 a day, which means it would likely be activated immediately. in may, border patrol recorded an average of 3800 crossings daily. >> we must face the simple truth: to protect america as a land that welcomes immigrants, we must secure the border and secure it now. and if the united states doesn't secure our border, there's no limit to the number of people

may try to come here because there's no better place on the planet than the united states of america. >> ronny: hey, i get it dude. but if you don't want people to come, maybe stop saying how awesome america is. "it's the best! you can't come." like, start complimenting canada for once. let them take some heat. [cheers and applause] but that's right, biden is shutting down the border. and if you watch fox news, you're probably like, "but i thought biden wants migrants to flood the country so they can murder my whole family." well, guess what? there's already enough migrants now to murder your whole family, so biden doesn't need any more! and if you watch msnbc, you're probably upset about what biden is doing, because some migrants do legitimately need asylum. but i got to give liberals a bit of a reality check: it's not very popular to have no control over who immigrates to your country. just ask the native americans. [audience reacts] look, the fact is that immigrants are vital for america's economy and its culture, and also, let's be

honest, america needs a better world cup team. but if you wanna come to america, you gotta do it the right way, like i did, smuggled inside trevor noah's colon. [applause] look, i'm just kidding, obviously. i just told i.c.e. that i'm jackie chan. i understand the words that are coming out of your mouth. but if you're really upset about this, don't worry. like everything else biden does, it'll probably get knocked down by the supreme court. so if america really wants to lock down the southern border, they should put ticketmaster in charge of it. these guys are the best at making sure nobody can actually get into the thing they want to. okay? everyone will be waiting on the queue for three hours -- [cheers and applause] and then find out that america is already sold out. and yes, there will be massive unexplained fees. but let's move on to the other candidate, because with joe biden struggling in the

polls, donald trump is already making plans to once again take on the washington swamp. in a recent interview with fox news, he promised to start by exposing all the things the deep state doesn't want you to know. well, almost all the things. >> some people think that one way to build trust is to declassify things. if you were president, would you declassify -- you can answer yes or no to this. would you declassify the 9/11 files? >> yeah. >> would you declassify jfk files? >> yeah. >> would you declassify the epstein files? >> yeah, yeah. i would. >> all right. >> i guess i would. i think that less so. [laughter] >> ronny: that was a bit suspicious, right? like, "9/11?" "yes!" "jfk?" "yes!" "epstein?" "uh... yeah, maybe, less so, no." look at the panic in trump's

eyes. i've seen more relaxed people on the exit row of a boeing flight. and why, though? why are you so weird with the epstein stuff? it's not like donald trump has any particular reason to not want the epstein files opened up. i mean, let's hear him out. hear his full answer. >> i think that less so because, you know, you don't know, you don't want to affect people's lives if it's phony stuff in there because there's a lot of phony stuff with that whole world. >> ronny: okay, he's definitely in that file. he is in the epstein files. he's already like, "look, there's gonna be a lot of phony stuff in there. names, pictures, my dna. you can't believe any of it." he's obviously not worried about protecting other people. this is the same guy who said obama was born in kenya and ted cruz's dad killed jfk. now all of a sudden, he's like, "look, if you put some inaccurate information out there, it could really destroy someone's reputation." we need to err on the side of caution."

besides, it doesn't even matter. you don't need to ask trump to declassify anything. he's just going to leave it at a buffet table at mar-a-lago. all right, let's move on to tech news. because the greatest website in the world is about to get even better. >> x, the website formerly known as twitter, is now embracing its new moniker in a way that we have not seen before, officially allowing x-rated content on the site. as of today, users may share consensually produced and distributed adult nudity or sexual behavior. in other words, porn is now officially allowed on twitter. >> ronny: that's right, elon musk is no longer the biggest ass on twitter. now obviously, twitter had porn on it before this, but nobody looked at it, because it was against the rules. now we can, guilt free. basically, instead of fixing the porn problem, elon just decided it's not a problem anymore. and i'm not hating. that's how i handle issues in my life, too. these aren't bedbugs. they're my new roommates.

so elon surrendered and porn will be everywhere now. and honestly, who cares? the way twitter is now, a bukkake video would elevate the discourse. but if you think about the company as a whole, twitter's trajectory, the story of it is wild when you think about it. as a company, it started as a place where you could follow the news in real time. now their pitch is "do you love reading nazi shit while jacking off and being called a slur? finally, there's a website for you!" let's move on to a story out of north korea, which has raised trash talk to a whole new level. >> south korea is warning the public to watch out for objects falling from the sky after north korea flew even more balloons with trash and filth over the border today. >> 1,000 of the airborne waste deliveries floating into the country since last tuesday littering places, where things like cigarette butts, paper, and pieces of cloth.

>> ronny: look at this typical communist shit. hey, north korea, you don't stick trash in a balloon and float it over to your enemy. how about you join the free world and put your trash in the ocean where it belongs. it does show you how clean south korea is, though. because if kim jong un flew trash into new york city, no one would even notice. the trash would just land on trash that was already there. and we'd be like, "oh, great, the neighborhood garbage pile has a fancy balloon now!" now obviously, everyone is pissed at north korea for doing this. but to be fair, the south started it! >> groups in south korea and the south korean government for years now have sent flash drives and deliveries via balloons with k-dramas, with k-pop music attached to flash drives and sent them to north korea, as an example of like, hey, this is what life is like outside of north korea. north korea is now saying, this is filth to us. so we're going to send you filth

back. >> ronny: wow, south korea is really getting the short end of the stick here. i mean, they've got the best music and the best tv shows, and they're sending it to north korea in exchange for garbage? i mean, that's a terrible deal. at least demand something north korea is good at, like those videos where cute kids dance in perfect synchronization so their parents don't get killed. for more on the trash fight, we go live to south korea with senior asia correspondent desi lydic. [cheers and applause] desi, what's the situation over there? >> it's intense, ronny. no one knows when this trash barrage will stop. just moments ago, this landed mere inches from me. look at this: a half-eaten hot dog! disgusting! i mean, who doesn't finish their hot dog? [audience reacts] >> ronny: desi, come on, you're supposed to be doing serious reporting.

that's gross. >> you're gross, ronny. look, as a journalist, it's my job to report on these important -- international conflicts. >> ronny: oh, my god, desi, that was a direct hit? >> oh, i'm fine. as a seasoned war correspondent, i'm prepared -- i am prepared for anything. >> ronny: are you sure you're okay? because it looks like it's getting dangerous. >> ronny, what are you talking about? this is great! kim jong un is a nuclear-armed madman. but now he's just tossing trash over the fence like some weird neighbor you read about on nextdoor. this is the best case scenario! in fact, this is the way every war should be fought. usually, front lines are barren mud zones, but this just looks like a divorced dad's apartment! >> ronny: okay, but isn't this bad for the environment? >> "oh, isn't this bad for the environment?" no.

you know what's bad for the environment? nuclear war. a trash war is much better. the closest thing i've seen to a biohazard here is a double loaded diaper. [audience reacts] plus, it's much easier for america to support its allies in a trash war. we don't have any money left, but you know what we do have a lot of? garbage! we got everything. we got food waste, plastics, all the artwork my kid makes in school. it's endless! i mean, do you know how many amazon boxes i throw out every day? if trash is weapons, i'm basically raytheon. >> ronny: okay, i guess a trash war sounds pretty good, then? >> yeah. well, it is a little irritating. you have to step in coffee grounds and old yogurt, but still, it is way better -- goddamn it! we'll talk later. i have to go fill a diaper so i can return fire. >> ronny: okay, desi lydic, everybody! be safe! [cheers and applause] when we come back, we find out what the spelling bee is really

about. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] [keyboard typing] [clock ticking] librarian: you're playing with fire, kid. ♪ laptops aren't made to handle all that... ♪ multiple apps, big files. you think it won't crash. ♪

you're a hot dog in a hurricane. ♪ student: it's a mac, it's running fine. [clock ticking] librarian: oh... that's a weird fork man. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: welcome back to "the daily show." last week was the big national spelling bee. and spoiler alert: an indian kid won. but what if the spelling bee

isn't what it seems? that's the subject of a new installment of "project conspiracy." >> conspiracies. they are everywhere. or are they nowhere? what they want you to think. to that is where my wallet is. for every day, there is a me. i am kevin matthews help. follow me as i pull back the curtain to find the truth behind the curtain. this is "project conspiracy." spies. they are everywhere. he's a spy, she is a spy, that guy pretending to have a heart attack, obvious spy. where do these spies come from and how are they recruited? what if i were to tell you there was a 100-year-old nationwide program that has been scouting potential spies for, you guessed it, 100 years. ♪ ♪ spelling bees.

spelling bees are the perfect cover for finding the next generation of america's spooks. they are super smart. they stay cool under pressure, and a lack any social attachments because they are nerds. but most importantly, they can memorize and possibly long sequence of secret codes. >> e-r -- >> k -- >> p -- >> f-a-m-m -- >> be-a- -- >> some of these aren't even letters. what does it mean? cia. fbi. nsa. what are they all have in common? you can't say their names without spelling them. coincidence? please. or should i say, pleeze.

this conspiracy is too vast to unravel. the feds. miriam, webster, wordle. i know just where to find them. check time to see one of these recruiting events in action. >> hi, there. >> hello. one ticket to the spelling bee, please. >> sure. >> i'm just here to check out the children. that came out wrong. i'm here to expose these children. >> security? >> get back here. >> the only thing i'm horny for is the truth. >> the deep state will not let me get close. it's time to go undercover. ♪ ♪ [spooky spelling] >> this whole spelling bee thing is a ruse? we've got autocorrect, no one needs to know how to spell anymore. >> our next speller is kevin

matthew kelp. >> our next speller. your word is "oxygen." >> obviously, i lost on purpose so i could make it here to the comfort couch. the comfort couch is supposedly where kids recover from their public humiliation come about through my investigation, i realized this was where intel operatives made their move, swooping in to recruit kids at their most vulnerable moment. all i had to do was wait. >> sad kid over here. crying all alone. wishing somebody would comfort me with a new identity and a mission into north korea. really, nobody? excuse me, lady. what the [bleep], lady? how do you do it? how do you do what? >> i wasn't able to infiltrate this conspiracy but clearly, spelling bees are a bunch of spelling b.s. i decided to take matters into my own hands. good luck spelling anything now

that i bought every single dictionary on the internet. oh, shit. ♪ ♪ >> ronny: rest in peace, kevin. when we come back, marlon wayans will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] popeyes new chicken wings make no sense! marinated in louisiana spices, hand battered and flipped- and then we have the audacity to call all six flavors fast food?! someone should say something or ahem...order something

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special is called "good grief." >> when i was a little boy, me and my brother shawn asked our dad, we said, dad, what did you want to be when you grew up? my father looked at me and said, "i wanted to be a man." i looked at shawn like, somebody need to help this [bleep] live his dreams. [laughs] you got some pretty basic aspirations if you ask me. >> ronny: please welcome marlon wayans! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> thank you, thank you. thank you. thank you. >> ronny: the people love you. >> they do. you know, i'm a little jealous of you right now. i want to rob you of this seat. >> ronny: what do you mean? you were in the seat. >> i know how it feels.

i miss me being over there and asking some idiot some questions over here. there is so much power in your seat. >> ronny: the power dynamic is completely -- he is a big celebrity over here and i am just the humble "daily show" host who has been watching your family since i was a kid in malaysia. >> we was in malaysia? >> ronny: yeah, yeah. >> somebody lost some money. >> ronny: yeah, you know, i always have to concentrate really hard to say "wayans" because in malay, means "wayan" -- >> means older brother? >> ronny: no, it means nepo baby. [laughter] no, it means "performance." it means "performance." >> i like nepo baby. [laughter] >> ronny: yeah, speaking of family, this new special i watched was super funny.

you talk about you dealing with the death of a lot of people. and what really kind of drew me in right from the first second was the opening sequence. you kind of play these voice mails from parents. >> my parents, me walking down the street. i'm walking through all the places that i grew up around new york and where they grew up in harlem, and because i want the audience to kind of know -- get an introduction and an investment into the people, and to the voices of my mom and my dad and what i experienced with them, so it is not just -- i wonder how they were. you get a little slice of it. >> ronny: were you worried that would be too much of a bummer? >> no. i knew i had to follow myself. then you know you got to be really funny. i like the added pressure, you know what i mean? it would be sad if i couldn't overcome it. [laughs] >> ronny: comedy wasn't hard enough, you have to stack the deck against yourself. >> we should have stopped at the beginning. [laughter] >> ronny: no, it was very touching because i'm not sure if it's clear, but your parents passed away, and you play the

voice mail, and i think people who have had parents pass away, as soon as you play it, it is already -- oh, man. >> oh, yeah. >> ronny: it really gets you in the mood for laughing at comedy. [laughter] dead parents' last words to your son. i am already there, oh, my god, this is the funniest thing i've ever heard. like, please. >> it is true. that is when you know it's funny. when you can take something that is not supposed to be something funny, something that is painful -- look at our news. look at what "the daily show" is every day, you look at something that is tragic, which is our politics and there is something funny about it. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: that's right. that's a very noble pursuit. and yeah, because i am an aspiring comic myself, and i just wonder, i just wonder, when you do comedy specials,

you kind of joke about celebrities, and i also talk about celebrities but i think the difference between you and me is that you are famous enough to actually know these people. [laughter] so when you kind of basically -- i don't want to butcher the joke. but when you talk about shaq, you got to go to this guy's birthday party afterwards. [laughter] >> i may skip that. i only talk about people that either i know i could beat, like kevin hart. >> ronny: that is your next special. [laughter] >> him or people that i know can't catch me. shaq is too big. he can barely catch charles barkley. he don't want none of this. >> ronny: okay, i'm staying out of this. [laughter] >> ronny: it is a real honor for me. thank you for giving me your time. [laughter] and we appreciate it. you are a legend, man.

thank you. >> hey, my tour. i have a tour. i'm going on tour in september, it is called "skittles." tickets, june 14th on my website, marlon wayans official. and "good grief" on amazon right now. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: marlon wayans, everybody. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

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