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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  June 12, 2024 1:25am-2:00am PDT

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jo. i'm shame-free now, and you can be too. ♪ was blind but now i see for just $1 a day, one of these beautiful children will protect you from trolls and make your internet a safe space. ♪ 'twas grace that taught we won't rest until america is completely shameless. the world can be brutal. ♪ my heart to fear but shameless america is going to continue to take steps ♪ and grace my fears relieved to make sure everyone has a safe space forever. are you sure this is a good idea? uh-huh. ♪ how precious [ music stops ] [ choking ] [ rope creaking ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jordan klepper! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪
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[cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm jordan klepper. we've got so much to talk about tonight. hunter biden has something in common with donald trump. congestion pricing gets stuck in gridlock. and samuel alito's wife lets her freak flag fly. so let's get into headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] we start with one of the most dangerous criminal masterminds in american history: hunter biden. he's gotten away with being joe biden's son for years, but today, he faced delaware justice. >> we begin with our breaking news: a federal jury finding hunter biden guilty on three felony gun charges. the president's son walking out of the courtroom earlier today a convicted felon. >> jordan: wow. frankly, i'm shocked. we are actually enforcing gun laws in america!
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halle-[bleep]-lujah! and what has been wild is watching how eager republicans have been to hold a gun owner accountable. of course, it's only because he's joe biden's son, but that's an opportunity. all we need is for joe biden to adopt every single person in america, and we can finally have some responsible gun control in this country! yes. [cheers and applause] but let's move on to some news out of the supreme court. last weekend, an undercover activist snuck into a private reception and secretly recorded supreme court justice samuel alito. and no surprise: it turns out that the guy who overruled roe v. wade is a bit of a religious nut. but what was much more interesting is that this activist also recorded alito's wife, martha-ann alito. she's already been in the news for flying an upside-down american flag at their house after trump lost the 2020 election, and then for flying a far-right "appeal to heaven" flag at their beach house.
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and if you thought two flags was a lot of flags, this lady is just getting started! >> you know what i want? i want a sacred heart of jesus flag because i have to look across the lagoon at the pride flag for the next month. and he's like, oh, please don't put up a flag. i said, i won't do it because i'm deferring to you. but when you are free of this nonsense, i'm putting it up and i'm going to send them a message every day, maybe every week, i'll be changing the flags. >> jordan: holy shit, this lady loves flags. once alito retires, that house is going to look like a [bleep] spanish galleon! i mean, lady, the united nations called, they said, tone it down with the flags. even betsy ross is like, "jesus, i was only doing this because we didn't have netflix." liking flags this much is, ironically, the ultimate red flag. [laughter and applause] it is a thinker.
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and i love how she refers to her husband's job as "nonsense." this man is one of the most consequential men in the country, but she's like, "i can't wait until you're done with your little black robe bullshit so i can focus on what really matters: semaphore." so martha-ann got so mad after seeing a pride flag that she's planning to put up a whole bunch of jesus flags to combat it. because everyone knows jesus is the ultimate symbol of "[bleep] your love!" and if she runs out of flags, don't worry: she's thinking up more flags in her head! >> there'll be all kinds. i made a flag in my head. this is how i -- i satisfy myself. i made a flag. it's white and it's yellow and orange flames around it. and in the middle is the word "vergogna!" "vergogna" in italian means "shame." [laughter] >> jordan: oh! wow, first off, what a burn on justice alito. your wife is going around
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telling strangers that she has to think up new flags to satisfy herself. "i gotta think of new flags, cause it's not like there's anybody else taking care of my needs! somebody's gotta plessy my ferguson! come on! not to be a hater, but designing a special flag for yourself is literally a homework assignment my kindergartener just had. he drew a butt farting on a stick figure man who i'm pretty sure is supposed to be me. i don't love it, but it still beats "vergogna." i think there's a missed opportunity. instead of getting mad at the pride flags, martha-ann could use this opportunity to find unity! you love flags, they love flags! the people you really should be fighting are the lawn sign people. no motion, you can't see it from up high, no way to tell the wind direction.
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those lawn sign people are [bleep] animals, and we all know it. and finally, let's talk about a local story with major implications. here in new york city, we have the worst traffic out of any city in america. did you know it took me two and a half hours to get to work this morning? i mean, granted, i stopped along to way to watch the "garfield" movie -- tuesdays, am i right? now, to solve this, new york was set to become the first city in america to try congestion pricing, which is a toll on anyone who wants to drive into the busiest parts of manhattan. that is, until a few days ago, when governor hochul pulled the plug on the plan without warning. and while everyone assumes she was worried about democrats losing votes in the upcoming election, hochul has a different explanation. >> hochul says her experiences talking to people in manhattan diners, like this one near grand central, made her realize new yorkers just aren't ready for congestion pricing. >> all i know is, i encourage
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you to go to the next diner with me, and i'll probably be there monday morning. sit with me and watch the people come over and thank me. that's all i need to know. >> jordan: wait, so after literally five years of debate, study, and preparation, hochul scrapped the whole plan because she talked to some people in a diner? who cares what people in a diner think? there's other americans! what about the home cooks, huh? the guy who pops open a can of progresso soup, goes to put it in the microwave, says [bleep] it, then just drinks it cold? huh? don't i -- i mean, they deserve a voice, too? look, it's true congestion pricing won't be popular with everyone, and it might cost you some votes in the suburbs. but from time to time, leaders are called upon to envision a better future. be bold in the implementation and execution. and be undaunted by the opposition. that's how you secure progress. wait a second...
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i heard that somewhere. >> anybody sick and tired of gridlock in new york city? from time to time, leaders are called upon to envision a better future, be bold in the implementation and execution, and be undaunted by the opposition. that's how you secure progress. >> jordan: oh, shit... kathy hochul has an evil twin who is good at governing! who knew! for more on governor hochul's decision to reverse congestion pricing, we turn to senior political analyst michael kosta. [cheers and applause] michael. the governor was fully in support of this plan six months ago. how is she so weak-willed that she would change her mind after a silly diner conversation? >> actually, jordan, there's nothing silly about a diner conversation. political experts like myself understand that any opinion has
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extra power when it's said over a plate of eggs and toast. it's called the "diner effect." for example, if i were to tell the governor to flip-flop on congestion pricing, she'd say no. but what if i said... "hey, governor, you gotta cancel that plan, because every workin' guy knows that when the screws get stripped, you gotta hammer the nail yourself. all right?" >> i don't think that means anything, michael, but there is something in that that is very common sense. you're right, cancel the [bleep] plan! >> you see what happened? >> jordan: wait, why did i agree with you? >> you've fallen for the folksy ramblings of a man who doesn't know how to make his own toast. >> jordan: damn it! damn it! damn it! i won't fall for that again. we can't afford to, because the city has to figure out how to replace all the revenue that the plan was going to raise.
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>> well, i have an idea. you know. [laughs] you know what i says? the whole thing could be solved likety-split. you just take all the immigrants and just tell 'em, "ay, get outta here!" boom. but, hey, what do i know? i'm just a guy who eats six sausage links for breakfast. >> jordan: i didn't think this had anything to do with immigrants, but there's something about the way you eat those sausages that makes me believe you. >> got you again. >> jordan: goddamn it! >> it's all in the diner food. [cheers and applause] >> as long as i'm eating the number four special, people will think i know what i'm talking about. >> jordan: wow, that is very, very effective. >> and check this out, okay? if you got a stack of 30 pancakes, you don't even have to say real words. ey, let me tell you something!
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gaboosh gadong gabadabing and oh! congestion solved. >> jordan: michael, don't you see the irony here? the actual working class people are taking the subway. they're the ones that are going to be hurt by this performative fealty to suburban car driving voters. >> i have no idea what you're saying right now. >> jordan: [indistinguishable language] [cheers and applause] >> jordan: michael kosta, everybody. when we come back, we'll find out how politics can get your rocks off. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]
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what's the worst part of the locker room? shareef: axe. axe. brandon: i like that. shareef: reminds me of like a designer store. brandon: this smells like a candle.
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shareef: is this a joke? you chose axe! brandon: i knew i had good taste! shareef: i thought that was a designer brand. ♪ i wanna rock n' roll all night ♪ ♪ and party everyday ♪ ♪ i wanna rock n' roll ♪ applebee's late night because half off is just more fun. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. [cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome back to "the daily show." our political divisions are worse than ever, but there's one group of people that surprisingly benefit from it. troy iwata has more. >> there is no doubt that this election is exhausting, infuriating, and divisive. but to some, the endless cycle of insults and attacks might actually be a turn on? that's right, the hottest new is political humiliation in this correspondent is ready to dive in to see if political shaming is the new sexy.
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to find out more about this niche fetish, i traveled to the top spot for political shaming. tampa, florida, to speak to two of the top specialists in the field. goddessvivien leigh, a dominatrix who specializes in humiliating liberals and goddess brandon. >> all have small penises. >> a dominatrix who specializes in shaming conservatives. when did you notice that people were asking for this political shaming? >> i put up my first video when trump first went into office. >> i had this terrible blond wig that started off with ivanka. >> they got a lot of exposure and just blew up. especially on my phone line. >> requests started rolling in from there and i kind of lean into it and kept going with. >> do you think that trump played a huge part in the growth of this need? >> absolutely. it didn't exist before him and i don't think it really exist without him. [laughs] >> right. who knew that 80-year-old man mo make people so horny?
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>> yeah. >> what do conservatives want to be humiliated at all? >> i definitely focus on what i would be considered to be dissected to sensitive subjects, race-based topics, feeling inaccurate inadequate to black men. gay temptation, the fact that a lot of them have issues with women in power. think of what are you saying? you are saying that rich white men are insecure? >> and what turns on liberals? >> american, anything ammo, guns. they go absolutely insane for the confederate bikini. we often end up discussing a certain politicians part. >> who is a popular one? >> trump's [bleep]. >> right. >> sometimes it is daddy to santos. >> it was time to find out firsthand what to expect from a political humiliation session. they go so ring ring. hello? >> hello, how are you.
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>> tell me about you. >> i am a news anchor. >> no. i'm a little sissy liberal bitch and i am calling for you to tell me i'm going to vote for daddy trump. >> okay. i am... that is a long line that you gave me. i am very conservative, as it is my penis. >> stupid, stupid penis. >> what do you think you need? >> what do i need? >> a strap on pair that is what i think you need. >> a fanny pack. >> a big fanny pack. >> what is in the fanny pack? >> penises. >> real penises? >> i'm going to put you in a cute little american flag diaper and a trump t-shirt and the best little maga hat a boy could wear. >> hot, yeah. a big fanny pack of penises on my hip and i hate drag queens. they are ruining the world with their fun. >> we are just trying to mind our own straight business in these temptations are everywhere.
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you were once entitled to a wife. and now all of these famines running around, deciding not to marry white and salmon. they need lives. and mommies. >> they thank you, daddy. >> think i'm a daddy. >> for letting me vote for trump -- >> for letting me -- >> it is hard to be a straight guy. >> do you think that those involved get more knowledge on their own and opposing political views because of your services? >> i do. i think that i inspire them to want to at least look something up. >> i mean, there penises are in their hands. i guess it would be awesome if you could take a step back and think to yourself, are my thoughts and opinions of noxious and hateful? >> you are dealing with shame so maybe you have changed in but they are ashamed. >> they are not going to tell me. exactly, quietly shamed. >> i needed to understand more about this fetish from a psychological standpoint so i brought sex expert doctor justin lee miller to the museum of sex
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to make them feel at home and asked if he knew why this was the one thing that crossed the political aisle right now. >> there is some trauma connecting to our politics and something that happens in our fantasies it provides opportunity to take control over previous trauma. so there could be something empowering about taking something like shame or humiliation and then having complete control over it. there is also some sort of humanizing element that happens when people engage in this kind of kinky behavior. people can tap into deeper elements and aspects of the self. >> do you think that this fetish could help the country come together, no pun intended? >> i don't have any data that that could necessarily say that is the case. >> okay. we need the data. >> since there is no official data on this topic, it is up to me to do the research. to find out if political humiliation is the solution to america's problems, just in time for the election. ♪ ♪
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>> that is more of -- that is too hard. okay. >> [bleep]. >> i don't know if i'm a slut boy for that policy or that policy. >> let me speak -- >> let me finish. >> let me speak. >> because you've been going in circles. >> is this a result of a fix for the election? was i turned on? i am not sure. >> maybe i should just vote independent. >> what! >> i am trapped. >> you need to think about this. >> actually, you know what, we might be getting somewhere with this. but i guess, no matter what happens in november, and this country, there will always be plenty of shame. [cheers and applause] >> jordan: thank you, troy. when we come back, kevin bacon will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]
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[indistinct chatter] professor: first class of the day. ♪ [brooding dramatic music] ♪ and no charger? you're playing a dangerous game... ♪ [chair squeaks] but i guess battery death is just a part of battery life. you get used to it, grow numb to it... student: it's a mac - the battery lasts all day. [laptop shuts] see ya next week. [chair squeaks] i hate these chairs. [door shuts]
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oh-lay's. ♪ (oh-lay's oh-lay's oh-lay's) ♪ ♪ (oh-lay's) ♪ ♪ (oh-lay's) ♪ ♪ (oh-lay's! oh-lay's oh-lay's oh-lay's) ♪ ♪ (oh-lay's oh-lay's) ♪ ♪ (oh-lay's! oh-lay's oh-lay's oh-lay's) ♪ (cheering) goal! (cheering) ♪ (oh-lay's! oh-lay's oh-lay's oh-lay's! oh-lay's) ♪ ♪ (oh-lay's! oh-lay's) ♪ ♪ (oh-lay's) ♪ ♪ (oh-lay's oh-lay's oh-lay's oh-lay's) ♪
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♪ it's hot ♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪ it's hot ♪ starburst. different every time. why do dude wipes clean better? because they're extra-large. because they're flushable. because, obviously, wet cleans better than dry. let's watch. the wet side clears, while the dry just smears. it's just like our butts! dude wipes. best clean. pants down.
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remember space? and legroom? (♪♪) that's more like it. the three-row lexus tx. (♪♪) [cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an award-winning actor who is starring in the horror film "maxxxine," and "beverly hills cop: axel f." >> supposed to be fighting the war on drugs, not participating. >> you've seen too many movies. that shit would never fly in court. but you don't need it to, do you? you can just keep us locked up in the county and pay a couple of your deputies to dump us off at the pier, end of story, right? >> you know, you and i, we are way more alike than you may realize. we both will do whatever it takes to set things right.
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>> i want to ask you something. you ever listen to the stuff that comes out of your mouth? because that is some high level, class a, deluxe bullshit you are talking. >> jordan: please welcome kevin bacon! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] well. >> appreciated. >> jordan: dare i say -- okay, okay. [cheers and applause] okay. dare i say, beloved? that is what that sounded like. >> thank you. it is nice to be loved, you know? it is funny. people talk about what a pain in
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the ass, they ask about what a pain in the ass it is to be famous and i'm like, you know what, it is the greatest thing. people will stop you on the street and say "i love you," and who gets that in life? you know what i mean? i never take that for granted. so thank you. you are very kind. [cheers and applause] >> jordan: my first question, is it a pain in the ass to be famous? [laughter] >> didn't we already go over this? >> jordan: oh, shit, yes. it's funny watching the clip. you get to be a bad guy in the new "beverly hills cop" and also "maxxxine," you get to be a bit of a scumbag and that one as well. >> yeah, real scumbag. >> jordan: what demons are you exorcising? >> it's funny you say that. i mean, i'm not afraid of being a bad guy in a movie. there's a lot of people that go, that is a gross thing, i don't want to do that because i think it is going to somehow reflect on them personally. and i have always thought, i'm just going to let the work speak for itself.
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i am an actor. it's not about me being me up there. it's always about me trying to walk in somebody else's shoes. so when i look at these two guys, they are completely different men, the character in "maxxxine" and the character in "beverly hills cop." so to me, it is just great parts and i just want to be them. and i'm exorcising some demons. >> jordan: okay. [laughs] >> that is what you were going for. >> jordan: there is a darkness there. right? >> yes, there is. >> jordan: you are also in "maxxxine," a great horror franchise, this is the third. it is compelling, to go back, "friday the 13th," one of your first roles. second role, i believe. you have a great death, where i think you get knifed while having sex and the knife goes through your neck? >> yeah. >> jordan: [bleep] awesome. >> it was great. horror movies, especially back then, were often kind of thinly veiled morality tales. it was a way to pick whoever were the type of people that somebody decided should not --
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should die. those people were usually that did drugs and had sex. so i did both. >> jordan: that's why i wanted that eye. i was like, how dare you. >> the funny thing is, in those days, those were the cool people. you know what i mean? those are the ones that always had to die in the horror movies. so i had the one-two punch. i had sex first and then smoked a joint and then the arrow went through the throat. >> jordan: [laughs] if you got to go, pick it that way. >> sometimes, you know, there's people that have photographs that they want you to sign, right? and the number one photograph that i am asked to sign is me dead with an arrow sticking out of my throat. >> jordan: really? >> yeah. i'm always like, don't you have anything of me alive? >> jordan: [laughs] >> no. >> jordan: that is the image. is that your fear, that at the oscars in memoriam, that is the
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image they show? >> my fear is that i don't make the in memoriam. >> jordan: kevin bacon, judging by the reception you had, you are going to be there. >> you think so? >> jordan: they are not going to show a picture of you dead. they are going to show a picture of you having sex. you deserve it. [cheers and applause] truly. >> hopefully, that's how i die. >> jordan: hopefully that's how you go out, man. [laughs] "beverly hills cop: axel f" premieres on netflix july 3rd, and "maxxxine" will be in theaters july 5th. kevin bacon. [cheers and applause] we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪
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see that beer cap? it's the luckiest piece of metal in the world. it could've been a screw on a patio chair. or, a bent staple, that just won't staple. but here it is, chairing the welcome committee for an authentic, mexican dos equis. (♪♪) well, look at that. the welcome committee is at it again. (♪♪)
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hey, welcome to autozone, what are you working on today? my car's dirty. hey, i've got just what you need. here's everything your gonna need for a wash. looks great! ♪ get in the zone, autozone ♪ kayak. no way. why would i use kayak to compare hundreds of travel sites at looonce?eat! kayak. i like to do things myself. i do my own searching. it isn't efficient. use kayak. i can't trust anything else to do the job right. aaaaaaaahhhh! kayak. search one and done. finding the right home for us was tough, but our agent joe just got our needs. - hey joe! - hey! he even clued us in on a local secret, a well hidden dog p-a-r-k.
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we're talking about cashbackin. not a game! we're talking about cashbacking. we're talking about... we're not talking about practice? no... cashbacking. word. we're talking about cashbacking. cashbacking. cashbacking. cashback like a pro with chase freedom unlimited. how do you cashback? ♪ ("holiday road") ♪ ♪ holiday road ♪ wherever your summer takes you, twist the ride... with twizzlers. the twist you can't resist. [cheers and applause] >> jordan: that's our show for tonight. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> just got -- speaking of new york city, former mayor giuliani's mug shot from arizona authorities. this is his mug shot. that is not the mug shot. this is the mug shot pair that with another mug shot of his which clearly, got a lesson from that prior mug shot because he is smiling at least. >> that's right. the prior mug shot was from the georgia case. so now he is on his second
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mug shot. >> what happened to him? ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪
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choose between reese's legendary cup and the new medal shape? that's like trying to pick between alex morgan and sophia smith.

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