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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  June 12, 2024 11:00pm-11:35pm PDT

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♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jordan klepper! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]
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>> jordan: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm jordan klepper. we got so much to talk about tonight. hunter biden is officially a convicted criminal and republicans are... somehow still mad! so let's get into headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's kick things off with july 4th. it's right around the corner, which means it's almost time for the nathan's hot dog eating contest. it's the beautiful tradition where families gather to watch ups drivers from new jersey scarf down hot dogs in 95 degree heat and then vomit behind the wonder wheel. but this year, one big name won't be abusing his digestive system for our pleasure. >> joey chestnut will not compete in the nathan's famous hot dog eating contest next month. the perennial champion has been banned from the fourth of july event because of his reported competing brand named sponsorship deal with the
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competing brand named impossible foods. >> last night on x, chestnut said he was gutted to learn that after 19 years, he has been banned from the contest. chestnut's endorsement deal with impossible foods, a nathan's rival that makes vegan hot dogs, just doesn't cut the mustard. >> jordan: come on, nathan's! you're gonna ban joey chestnut just for taking a sponsorship deal? he's got a family to feed, and feed and feed and feed and feed. and if you don't know chestnut, he's the absolute king of this event. he holds the record of eating 76 hot dogs in ten minutes! and they kicked him out just for sponsoring a vegan hot dog. by the way, the world record for eating vegan hot dogs? two and a half. [applause] let's talk about the fallout from the big political story in the news. yesterday, hunter biden was convicted of lying about his drug use when he filled out paperwork to buy a gun.
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and can i just say how weird is it that in the past couple of weeks, hunter biden and donald trump were convicted of lying on paperwork? this country really does draw the line at filling out forms correctly. the next time i show up at a doctors' appointment, i'm going to make sure my sign-in time is on the [bleep] dot. so hunter biden has been convicted on all counts, and may even spend time in prison. i can only imagine that republicans spent last night celebrating until the sun came up. >> just because one democrat was convicted doesn't mean the american legal system isn't being abused. >> marjorie taylor greene tweeting, quote, "hunter biden just became the deep state's sacrificial lamb to show that justice is balanced, while the other biden crimes remain ignored." >> hunter is them sacrificing a useless pawn. >> everybody knows what this trial with hunter biden was about. this is about smoke and mirrors. this is the red herring, this is a distraction. >> this is part of a cover up. this is a part of a running protection racket from the highest levels of the u.s.
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government downward to protect the biden family. >> this is the decoy that they can say there's equal justice under the law. but it's all nonsense. don't go for it. don't let them sell you it. understand exactly what's happening. >> jordan: okay, i don't want to make any assumptions about a guy's drug use. but if i was don jr., i would not try to buy a gun in delaware. here's a genuine question for maga world: can you guys rest the conspiracy-mongering for just a second, and squeeze a beat of joy out of this? my god, you're all so miserable! the last time a republican had fun was when she was kicked out of the "beetlejuice" musical. [laughter and applause] think about this. your political enemy's son is headed to prison and your mind immediately jumps to, "he's just taking the fall for joe biden." let me tell you something, nobody is taking the fall for
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joe biden. he falls plenty on his own, thank you very much. just take the w! when donald trump was convicted, you didn't see democrats going, "i bet this is just a distraction from the classified documents case. or the january 6 case. or the georgia racketeering case. or the e. jean carroll case. or the insurance fraud case." no, democrats were celebrating! i was in a brooklyn whole foods when the verdict came down, people started [bleep] in the bulk grains aisle! [laughter and applause] for more on the republican reaction, we go live to the delaware courthouse with desi lydic. [cheers and applause] desi. desi, republicans have been demanding that hunter biden be sent to prison, and now they might actually get that wish. i'm surprised republicans aren't happier about this. >> oh, jordan, you sweet little
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doe-eyed fawn. republicans aren't happy because they know that hunter biden is a sacrificial lamb being offered up by joe biden to distract everyone while he consolidates his nefarious powers to do socialism. >> jordan: so republicans will only be happy when joe biden himself gets arrested, then? >> aw, jordan. you deer-faced little dum dum. joe biden would love to be in federal prison, biding his time, chain-smoking on the toilet, consolidating his nefarious powers to do socialism, all while helpless donald trump rules from the white house. it's all part of the plan. >> jordan: wait, the democrats' plan is for joe biden to go to prison while donald trump becomes president? that does not make sense to me. >> of course it doesn't, cause you're too busy rummaging for nuts and berries in the sun-soaked meadow as you gallop right into the joe biden
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smokescreen. >> jordan: i get it, i'm a beautiful deer. understood. so when will republicans finally be happy? when joe biden wastes away in prison and dies, leaving donald trump dictator-for-life, then will they be happy? >> yeah, that would be great. for joe biden. now he gets to be a ghost, unmoored by the laws of physics and time, able to consolidate his nefarious powers across multiple dimensions for socialism! [applause] >> jordan: so just to be clear, joe biden's master plan is to die while donald trump becomes a dictator? >> oh, my god. you're missing the whole point, jordan. this was never about joe biden! he's just a red herring for the real mastermind, barack obama. who's just sitting pretty in hawaii, waiting for multidimensional joe biden to consolidate his ghost powers.
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>> jordan: okay, so now obama is the one that has to be locked up? >> sure, if you want to get a mid-level guy. because he's just a red herring for george soros. >> jordan: and who is he a red herring for? >> hillary clinton. >> jordan: and she's a red herring for... >> hunter biden. see, it loops back around. [applause] >> jordan: right, yeah. desi, it seems to me that every time something that republicans want actually happens, they just find some other conspiracy that keeps them in the pole position of victimhood. why can't they just be happy? >> jordan! if republicans are happy, they can't raise money. what's the email going to say? "hey, everything is great, send us five bucks?" come on. get out of here, you tick-infested bambi [bleep]. >> jordan: desi lydic, everybody. when we come back, charlamagne tha god will be here. don't go away. [cheers and applause]
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[cheers and applause] >> hey! listen, man, democrats have a problem. it's not their policies, it's not their fundraising, it's not that joe biden started buffering at the juneteenth party. no, the problem they have is their messaging! or to say it plainer: it's how they talk! nobody wants to hear the normal political voice anymore. i'll give you an example. republicans made abortion illegal in half the country, which is horrible! it should be a winning issue for democrats. but here's how democrats talk about it. >> let me say it again. pass laws restoring the protection of roe v. wade for women in every state. that's what can be done under this -- under the dobbs decision. >> every senator must take a stand. if you agree all americans deserve access to contraception, then vote yes on the right to contraception act. >> this friday, june 7th, will
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be 49 years, um, since there was a decision made in the -- in the -- roe vs. wade question. >> bro! why is this sentence taking you 49 years to say? how about try this instead: "these religious nutass republicans want to force you to have a baby!" period! the end! that's it. but i know, i know, politicians aren't supposed to talk that way. but they should! in fact, before democrats even worry about explaining their side of an issue, they need to learn something more basic: how to talk like real people. and i'm sure that's possible, [cheers and applause] yeah. because you know who's good at it? those nutass republicans. >> the biden administration sucks. >> they're communist, they're marxist, they're radical left democrats. they're sick people.
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>> there were riots burning down the [bleep] country over george floyd and i'm really sick and tired of the bullshit antics i have to deal with constantly! >> you see that? you see that? congress could pay off the whole deficit by giving marjorie taylor greene a swear jar! and yes, i know marjorie taylor greene is a whole fools market, but that's authentic. that's real america. that's what a waffle house sounds like at 3:00 am. okay? [applause] yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. that's making a scene at ann taylor loft because you can't make a return without your receipt. same with donald trump. he is a guy who knows what he wants and knows how to get it. the message is terrible, but it's clear! when he says, "build the wall! lock her up! i hate sharks!" no one goes, "i wonder what he means?" okay? folks appreciate when someone sounds authentic, even if their ideas are terrible.
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but with democrats, even when they talk about the good things they've done, it sounds fake. and i know that they're capable of sounding real. i talk to a lot of these politicians behind the scenes. i hear how they speak when the mics not on. and it's two totally different people. take hillary clinton. during the 2016 campaign, she sounded like this. >> now there may be some new voices in the presidential republican choir, but they're all singing the same old song. a song called yesterday. you know the one! all our troubles look as though they're here to stay. and we need a place to hide away. they believe in yesterday. >> yeah, paul mccartney heard that and was like, "john got the easy way out." here's the thing though, i've
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talked to hillary behind the scenes, and trust me, she's a real human! i know you won't believe this, but she can even say a great "mother[bleep]." yes! i've heard it! the way she says "mother[bleep]" rivals samuel l. jackson. i'm telling you! she should have used it in public. like: "i'm sick and tired of my mother[bleep] husband on jeffrey epstein's mother[bleep] plane!" [cheers and applause] yes, yes, yes. now that hillary would be at the end of her second term right now. but democrats only talk authentically when it slips out. in fact, dems had a viral moment in the house recently. it started with marjorie taylor greene doing what she does best, but it ended with a democrat, representative jasmine crockett, finally clapping back. >> a late night committee meeting devolved into chaos, with members hurling insults at each other. it quickly escalated into a heated back and forth after republican marjorie taylor greene mocked democrat jasmine crockett's eyelashes.
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>> i think your fake eyelashes are messing up what you're reading. >> hold on, hold on. >> crockett later fired back with her own personal insults as chairman james comer struggled to regain order. >> i'm just curious if someone on this committee then starts talking about somebody's bleach blonde, bad built, butch body. that would not be engaging in personalities, correct? >> a what now? >> [laughs] a what now? that would be a "bleach blonde bad built butch body," congressman. and you know what i love about this, everyone was so excited to hear someone slam marjorie taylor greene, most liberals didn't even care that it was sexist, it was homophobic, it was body shaming. it was like the '90s were back! [applause] yes, yes.
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congresswoman crockett had a great moment that went viral because she showed something that the democratic party rarely ever shows, and that's courage. [applause] yes. all hope is not lost. in fact, just recently, even vice president kamala harris showed a glimpse of her actual personality. >> we have to know that sometimes people will open a door for you and leave it open, sometimes they won't. and then you need to kick that [bleep] door down. [laughs] [applause] >> that's right, madame vice president! kick that [bleep] door down! that's how you know she's still a cop, she's giving little girls a no-knock warrant. and you know that type of talk is effective because conservatives immediately started clutching their pearls about her lack of decorum. republicans are so hypocritical. it's not okay for kamala to say [bleep], but it was cool for y'all to have a vice president named dick for eight years? i mean, this was trump last week in a church with kids in the
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audience. >> i don't like using the word "bullshit" in front of these beautiful children, so i won't say it. >> my god, donald, do you kiss your mistress with that mouth? look, i know this is all a little off-brand for liberals. they love to say stuff like: "hate has no home here." but you could at least give hate a guest room or something. let hate keep a toothbrush in your bathroom. and no, you should never hate someone for who they are, but it's okay to hate them for what they do. especially if what they do is hateful. like it or not, this is the age of hate. kendrick said he hates drake. kendrick hates the way he walks, the way he talks, the way he dresses. and kendrick won that beef! and if democrats want to win, they need to turn on the kendrick. [cheers and applause]
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yes! turn on the kendrick. "trump got a weird case, why is he around? wop, wop, wop, dems [bleep] 'em up." and good news for democrats, they have someone who can help them with their messaging. when i heard republican congressman byron donalds say some wild shit about black families in jim crow, i knew just who to call. congresswoman jasmine crockett, how are you? >> i am doing well. it is good to see you. >> good to see you too appeared a colleague from across the aisle, byron donalds, recently said that black families were better under jim crow, a period of forced racial segregation. what would you say to that? >> i would say is it okay for an uncle tom or may be under this and uncle clarence to try to tell us what it is to be black in america, considering the fact that he is married to a white woman, kind of like his uncle clarence? that would not have been allowed. so yeah. he probably needs to go back to the history books if they keep
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trying to take out of our classrooms. >> wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, crockett, [bleep] 'em up! that's right! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jordan: charlamagne tha god, everybody! his new book: "get honest, or die lying: why small talk sucks" is available now! when we come back, jeremy o. harris will be joining me on the show. don't go away. [cheers and applause] [indistinct talking in the background] dean: yuuuup, computers have a funny way of vanishing 'round here. [brooding dramatic music] you look away... and (poof) they're gone. ♪ some say they were sold off for parts, stickers and all- [find my noise] student: found it! dean: found what?
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see that beer cap? it's the luckiest piece of metal in the world. it could've been a screw on a patio chair. or, a bent staple, that just won't staple. but here it is, chairing the welcome committee for an authentic, mexican dos equis. (♪♪) well, look at that. the welcome committee is at it again. (♪♪) [cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is the playwright of the critically acclaimed "slave play." he's making his directorial debut with the new hbo documentary, "slave play. not a movie. a play." >> i don't like to cut things. if i like it in my play, it is staying.
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if you don't understand it, i guess i will add the line. all the lines, all the places you see asterisks here, those are lines i added to appease someone's confusion, right? and oftentimes, it was right. people do -- i sometimes, because i like reality a bit, the way people actually talk, i sometimes really have people stumble around and not say the thing. and sometimes you do need to give an audience a rung on a ladder if they are going to get to the end of your play with you. >> jordan: please welcome jeremy o. harris! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ jeremy, welcome! first off, congratulations on your directorial debut! >> thank you. >> jordan: i saw it last night. it is fantastic. it is a movie based on a play, "slave play." for folks who didn't know,
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"slave play," 12 tony nominations. in a nutshell, what is "slave play" for people who didn't -- weren't cool enough like myself to go see it? >> i say this in the doc and i will keep saying it until the day i die. i don't tell people what "slave play" is about. >> jordan: i know! >> listen, it is more fun if you don't know, if you go in a little confused, but you can also go on wikipedia. people on twitter post the wikipedia article all the time anyway. >> jordan: i was in new york when "slave play" came out, just before the pandemic, when it moved to broadway. and it was all the talk. nobody would tell you what it was about. but people were angry. [laughs] people were like, it was great but it was something that, i think you found unity in that you pissed off people of all races. >> absolutely. i am a gemini so i am an equal opportunity offender. [laughter] people are like, [bleep] that guy all the time. [laughter] >> jordan: so you do "slave play" and then you make a documentary about "slave play." why make a documentary and why not write a book? were you afraid florida would ban it? >> yes, absolutely. actually, i was afraid my home state, virginia, would ban it.
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who knows? most of the places are banning the books. i didn't want to make a documentary to begin with. i didn't. >> jordan: no? >> no. i literally -- the title of the movie comes from an email i sent to a very big movie studio. i said, "slave play" is not a movie. it is a play. and sent it. the doc is just theater supremacy. it is not a movie, it is a play. spoiler alert for my movie, guys, the end of the movie basically articulates why plays are better than movies. i'm sorry, i'm sorry. [cheers and applause] i know. listen. we have only been making movies since the beginning of the 20th century. they're already to trying to take that away from us, they are trying to get computers to make them now. they are not going to get computers to make plays. people barely see them. no one wants to pay for them. so keep making plays and changing lives of people everywhere. speaking of which -- this is a lot. but i am producing a play right now. it is called "invasive species." it is at the vineyard theater and i want to give you this hat. merch! >> jordan: merch!
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go to a play, have your mind changed, and leave with some freaking merch. "invasive species." i love it. you do articulate in the movie why you love theater. i will say, what is also compelling in this experience is the tension that we are experiencing in the theater and if we are given this space to articulate that and think through what we are feeling based on what we are seeing other people react to, that in and of itself is a separate performance and you are trying to curate that in a different lens. >> one of the cool things, the interesting about going to yale is you are in a community. my play was in a three-quarter thrust, and when "slave play" started, because it was so small, you could see everyone seeing everything. so imagine seeing, like, 30 young black, brown kids right here, and then right across the row from them, also lit by the lights, like, 50 older white people, just looking, and the laughs are like, [awkward laughter] and then everyone gets really nervous and scared. people feel implicated because
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they are like, why are they looking at me so much? they are looking at you but it looks like they are looking at you. and we did the play, the play has to happen in the round. and new york city was like, we can't afford the round. but my director, my set designer, we were like, we got this. put those mirrors back there and the entire show, you get to watch people watch the play. that becomes the play for me in the first time you see it, you will be squirming. you don't know how you feel about it. but then the second time, you third time you come, you get to watch everybody else, and you know the secret. >> jordan: for a narcissist, it is great because i can watch myself the whole time. >> but look at you. you look so great. >> jordan: thank you very much. >> those blue eyes. >> jordan: they are beautiful. right? >> they are. you can get lost in them. [laughter] >> jordan: this guy. see, these are the types of conversations we should be having. the documentary "slave play. not a movie. a play" will debut june 20th, hbo, and available to stream on max. also, go see "invasive species." this is jeremy o. harris. [cheers and applause] we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪
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