Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  June 13, 2024 11:00pm-11:35pm PDT

11:00 pm
- really? oh, that's great. that's such good news. i did it! i kissed. we kissed. - oh, michael. - no, i'm serious. it... this happened. i went down to the parking lot and i was--i returned her barrette. we ki... we did. okay. we did. we did. you know what? it doesn't matter. because i know it happened. and that is all that counts. [shouts] i did do it! ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jordan klepper! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪
11:01 pm
[cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm jordan klepper. we've got a big show tonight. donald trump is holding a j6 reunion, the supreme court lets women have some rights after all, and we've got live music from maya hawke! so let's get into it with our ongoing coverage of "indecision 2024!" [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ this was a big day for both presidential candidates. joe biden was in italy for the g7 summit, where he met with a bunch of world leaders, who are, believe it or not, even more unpopular than he is. yeah, just look at all their net approval ratings together. that's right. biden might be an american 2, but in europe, he's a solid 7. it's nice to know that in a time where so much divides us, one thing that binds us all together in our shared humanity is looking up at the person we elected and saying, "man, [bleep] that guy."
11:02 pm
anyway, at the g7, biden signed a security agreement with ukraine, he pushed for protection of abortion rights in europe, and built support for a ceasefire in gaza. meanwhile, not to be outdone, former president donald trump also attended an important summit with world leaders. >> donald trump has confirmed he will be appearing on the upcoming episode of logan paul's podcast. >> this is for you guys. >> oh, no way. we got gifts. oh, nice. is this your mugshot? >> this is, yeah. can you believe it? >> no way! [laughs] you're a gangster. >> this is what we're reduced to. >> jordan: [laughs] [cheers and applause] i think we just found his campaign motto. "trump 2024: this is what we're reduced to." [cheers and applause] you can kind of tell donald trump has no idea who logan paul is. "here's a shirt and a mug, kid. now which kind of cancer are you dying of?"
11:03 pm
yes, donald trump agreed to be on logan paul's podcast, and logan paul agreed to be donald trump's secretary of defense. then, after hanging out with influencers yesterday, today trump met with some people who contribute even less to society: congressional republicans. >> there's more breaking news we're following. only moments ago, former president donald trump wrapped up his meeting with congressional republicans up on capitol hill. it marked his first visit since telling his supporters to, quote, "fight like hell," just ahead of the deadly january 6th riot. >> jordan: yeah, trump was back on capitol hill for the first time since january 6. and it must've felt like visiting your old high school. you know? walking the halls, so many memories flooding back. "i remember joey taking a dump over there, blake beat up a cop right over there, we tried to hang mikey there. just outside, i told everyone to
11:04 pm
"be peaceful." [laughs] such good memories. we should do this again. how about january?" now, this meeting was billed as a chance for trump to discuss the legislative agenda for his potential second term. so let's hear how this serious policy discussion went. >> it opened with members singing "happy birthday" to the former president because his birthday is just right around the corner. >> jordan: what? they sang "happy birthday" to him? they're not waiters at a tgi fridays! isn't that embarrassing for everybody involved? a room of adults wearing suits saying, "let's discuss our agenda to dismantle the regulations that protect our environment... but first, who's the big boy getting a year older?" and today isn't even his birthday! it's tomorrow! i know trump has done a lot -- he's a convicted felon, he tried to overthrow the government -- but now he's celebrating a
11:05 pm
birthday week? the man is a [bleep] monster! and the worst part is that ted cruz sang it sexy like marilyn monroe. [applause] you can't unsee that, everybody. but okay, now that trump has blown out his candles and made a wish -- i assume to meet that three-boobed lady from "total recall" -- let's get to that policy. >> sources inside the room tell us it was a typical trump performance, bragging about his polls, attacking republicans who have opposed him, questioning why taylor swift would support a democrat. >> apparently the former president made reference to hannibal lecter and said, nice guy. quote, "he even had a friend over for dinner." >> at one point, he even talked about nancy pelosi's daughter, saying that her daughter had told him, in a different lifetime, she, nancy pelosi and donald trump would have had a great romance.
11:06 pm
>> jordan: come on! does donald trump have nothing better to do at capitol hill than quote jodi foster movies and act out nancy pelosi fanfic? i mean, imagine if you were a serious republican congressman in that room, who came to work that day to get things done and make life better for your constituents. that person does not exist, but imagine how annoyed they would be! now, to be fair, trump did discuss some actual politics. as you know, the republican national convention is in milwaukee this summer, and apparently, he just can't wait to fly in. >> trump said, quote, "milwaukee, where we are having our convention, is a horrible city." >> jordan: hey! i may not be from wisconsin but i am from michigan, and let me just say: don't mess with the midwest, buddy. we will politely ask you to please stop, and then thank you in advance. and that's a threat! [applause]
11:07 pm
[cheers and applause] honestly, though, how does trump not like milwaukee? the two main food groups there are sausage and cheese. a salad just means the sausage has sauerkraut on it. but let's move on from trump and biden to the people who actually run our country: the supreme court. today, they issued a ruling on the abortion pill, which religious activists asked them to ban on the legal grounds that they... let's see. don't like it. now traditionally, that's a compelling argument for the supreme court. but there must have been a gas leak, because this time they made the right decision. >> justices unanimously rejected a bid by a conservative christian legal group to restrict access to an abortion pill used by millions of patients every year. the court's decision unanimous here finding that the group of anti-abortion doctors who questioned the fda's decision to make it easier for people to get the pill did not have the legal standing to sue.
11:08 pm
justice kavanaugh writes in the opinion, "a plaintiff's desire to make a drug less available for others does not establish standing to sue." >> jordan: yes, obviously! you can't sue a drug just because you don't want somebody else to use it. like, i want cocaine to be less available to don jr. that doesn't mean i can sue cocaine. [cheers and applause] look it up. to be clear, the court didn't decide this case on the merits, just on a technical issue of standing. so anti-abortion groups still have another chance to get the abortion pill banned. which is nice to know that at least they get a plan b. [audience reacts] but because it's 2024, we can't celebrate even a small win for reproductive rights without hearing about another step backwards. >> senate republicans blocked a democratic bill that would have established protections for
11:09 pm
in vitro fertilization nationwide. >> this all comes as the nation's largest protestant denomination, the southern baptist convention, voted to condemn the use of ivf at its annual meeting just yesterday. >> the resolution, which received about 60% of delegate votes, supporting a decision in february by alabama's supreme court, which ruled embryos are considered children. >> jordan: really? relly, southern baptists, you're against ivf? don't you remember how jesus was born? that's basically the bible version of ivf. and it's wild that they were inspired to do this because of that alabama supreme court ruling that everyone hated. that's like if you asked a comedian why they got into standup, and they said, "i loved kramer's set at the laugh factory." for more on these recent decisions on reproductive rights, we go live to the supreme court with grace kuhlenschmidt. [cheers and applause] grace!
11:10 pm
grace, you were in court today. how did it go? >> well, the judge let me off with a warning and they're taking my anklet off next week! >> jordan: oh, no, i'm talking about the supreme court. >> oh! right. whoa. so the new update on reproductive rights is as follows: women can get an abortion, if they're using mifepristone, and their state allows it, or allows it to be sent to them from out of state, but the abortion cannot be carried out if the embryo was conceived through ivf, and the woman was a member of the southern baptist church because in that case, the fertilization should not take place to begin with. and that's the latest on what women can do with their bodies. back to you, jordan! [cheers and applause] >> jordan: that is a lot to
11:11 pm
process in a single day. women must be feeling pretty overwhelmed. >> are you kidding? this is my dream! [laughs] i get to wake up everyday and get told what to do with my body by a random group of people i've never met. if anything, they don't give me enough rules. >> jordan: you -- you want more rules? >> yeah, like today i learned i shouldn't get pregnant through ivf, but what about through missionary? or what about reverse cowgirl? or sitting in a jizz puddle on the subway? ooh! okay, just got an update from the delaware jehovah's witnesses. they say that making a baby through missionary is cool if you're dating, but subway jizz puddles are not unless i'm fully married to the jizz puddle. [laughs] awesome, thank you, delaware jehovah's witnesses! >> jordan: you want that to be dictated to you by the courts and religious groups? >> oh, it could be any random group! a local school board, a book club, the nba.
11:12 pm
>> jordan: i -- i don't think the nba should weigh in on your reproductive rights, grace. >> you're right, they're busy with the finals. but there is so much more about my life i need decided for me! i mean, i'm getting a bikini wax this weekend and i know they're going to ask: landing strip, triangle, or sahara desert? hold on... yep. okay, there's a bowling league in phoenix that just weighed in. landing strip if i'm going to a party, triangle if i'm going to a funeral. i was excited about the landing strip, but my grandma is dead. >> jordan: grace, do women really need to be micro-managed this much by random organizations? >> jordan, i can't even focus on what you're saying right now. i have not pooped in three days. i emailed nasa to ask if i could, but they haven't written me back! >> jordan: what? for the love of god, grace, if you need to poop, go poop! >> how? >> jordan: walk over to the
11:13 pm
bathroom! >> with what? >> jordan: with your legs! >> but which leg first? i'm freaking out, jordan! i need you or group of astronauts to tell me what to do with my body! >> jordan: okay, left, right, left, right! >> left, right, left, right. >> jordan: yes. thank you, jordan! i love this country! >> jordan: grace kuhlenschmidt, everybody. when we come back, maya hawke will be joining us. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]
11:14 pm
( ♪♪ ) you made a cow! actually it's a piggy bank.
11:15 pm
my inspiration to start saving. how about a more solid way to save? i'm listening. well, bmo helps get your savings habit into shape with a cash reward every month you save. both: cash reward? and there's a cash bonus when you open a new checking account to get you started. wow. anything you can't do? ( ♪♪ ) mugs. ♪ bmo ♪ ♪ ♪ mugs. hello portable a.c. hello topo chico. topo chico hard seltzer with added minerals for a crisp taste. you can't leave without cuddles. but, you also can't leave covered in hair.
11:16 pm
with bounce pet, you can cuddle and brush that hair off. bounce, it's the sheet. [cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an actor and musician whose new album is called "chaos angel" and she stars as anxiety in "inside out 2." >> my job is to protect her from the scary stuff she can't see! i plan for the future. oh, i can show you. you are going to love this. >> i was using that as a cup holder. >> okay, so my team has run all the data and we are looking at following likely scenarios. first, we don't take this camp seriously and we goof off. riley looks really uncool in front of val. she fails to impress the coach, does not become a fire hawk, and finally arrives at high school. she has no one. she eats alone and only the teachers know her name. >> okay, you and i are going to be friends. >> jordan: please welcome
11:17 pm
maya hawke! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ maya, welcome! >> thank you! [cheers and applause] >> jordan: okay, so in "inside out 2", you play anxiety. am i pronouncing that right? i have never heard of anxiety before. >> it's a very sophisticated name. not a lot of people know about it. you are pronouncing it just right. anxiet-ay. >> jordan: anxiet-ay. is that right? >> spot on. >> jordan: anxietay. how you go about portraying anxietay? you are channeling an idea and a general emotion. >> yes, it's interesting because they are both ideas and general emotions but they are really well-rounded characters. within the movie, joy, played by the fabulous amy poehler, joy cries. joy is a full character. so are all the other characters.
11:18 pm
it is a single emotion but it is also a whole person, which is a very weird thing to play. but basically, what i did is, in my own personal life, i have a voice in my head going at all times, telling me all the things that i'm doing wrong always, 100%, and all the things i'm worried about and all the ways that maybe i could improve the things i'm worried about, and find out correct the trajectory of my crashing plane. >> jordan: [laughs] >> and i just kind of tapped into that voice and put it into the character, so i didn't do any research, no homework. no scientific follow-ups, no consultations with specialists, just listening to the guy in my head who was like, "oh, no, it's not going to be okay, you are going to be bad, you're going to do a bad job at the show tonight, oh, yeah, your coat is weird, you are weird, it is going to go really badly for you!" >> jordan: you are doing great. >> thank you. >> jordan: you really brought that character out there. [cheers and applause] wow! wow!
11:19 pm
>> look, some of us have to do homework, some of us are naturals. >> jordan: you just find the voice within and you let it out there. >> exactly. >> jordan: you are playing anxiety in "inside out 2" and your new album is called "chaos angel." [cheers and applause] >> that's true. >> jordan: is everything okay? >> yes. >> jordan: yes. >> yeah, i'm sleepy. >> jordan: you are sleepy. [laughter] you are dealing with a lot of open emotions. i feel like the idea, your album is very personal. >> yes. >> jordan: and releasing it, that gives me nothing but nightmares, the idea of releasing something so personal like that. does that give you -- >> putting out your edited journals? >> jordan: yeah, is that how you view it? >> i mean, kind of. edited and obscured. but yeah. it doesn't really give me anxiety because i am not, like, you know, i am not making -- there is no public scandal that is being revealed by my record. it's not like -- >> jordan: is that a flaw? do you wish you had one? >> if anyone is interested or open to offering me a public
11:20 pm
scandal to be incorporating into the lyrics of my next song, i would be very open. it doesn't make me that nervous. i have always been pretty open with my emotions as a person. that is kind of characteristic of my crazy "inside out" house that is going on up here. my headquarters, so to speak. but yeah, i am open with my emotions. i'm very happy to talk about things. so i really am just feeling very proud and grateful to have gotten to make a record that is coming out and to get to be in a movie this cool and, like, this kind of double rainbow of both popular, good, and smart. [cheers and applause] >> jordan: yeah, yeah. well said. >> jordan: you are going to perform a song for us. >> that is the idea. >> jordan: yes, yes. [cheers and applause] it's great. "hang in there." it feels like a gift to a friend. >> that is basically the idea. i've heard two different takes on the song. i like the idea that it is
11:21 pm
either a present me singing to a past me, comforting the past, so comforting yourself, or me singing to a friend of mine. >> jordan: that first one sounds cool. i should've said the first one. >> no, no, i like both. i like both. i will not reveal which one it is or else i offer up the opportunity to accidentally reveal who the bad guy in the story is. >> jordan: i want to know! >> no, i can't tell you. >> jordan: this is the scandal you were looking for. >> i know, i know, but it's not the scandal that the people want. >> jordan: fair enough, smart. you will stick around and perform that song for us. >> yes, please. >> jordan: fantastic. "inside out 2" opens in theaters june 14th and "chaos angel" is available now. be sure to stay tuned for a special performance by maya after the break. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪
11:22 pm
♪ hot-n-ready! ♪ oooooo! $3.99 and stuffed with pepperoni and cheese. you want crazy puffs fast? you go with hot-n-ready. now i have time for more summer fun. go long! walk in for $3.99 hot-n-ready crazy puffs at little caesars. pizza. pizza. dad, don't forget about my new cleats. sweetie, i can't make it to dick's this week. have you heard of dicks.com? have i heard of dicks.com? girl: let's go! let's go! have i heard of dicks.com? (screaming) whoa. don't overthink it. let's go shopping.
11:23 pm
anyone impressed with how fast that was? ( ♪♪ )
11:24 pm
(sigh) i need better credit card rewards. try my travel points calculus... no thanks. this is better...75k bonus miles and lounge access? love it. everything you need to outsmart the system. intuit credit karma. see that beer cap? it's the luckiest piece of metal in the world. it could've been a screw on a patio chair. or, a bent staple, that just won't staple. but here it is, chairing the welcome committee for an authentic, mexican dos equis. (♪♪) well, look at that. the welcome committee is at it again.
11:25 pm
(♪♪) do you know how annoying that is? but it's so comforting and fun to pop. peanut butter m&m's minis are also comforting and fun to pop. [sigh] when anyone in this house wears white, it doesn't stay white for long. white? to soccer? i'm not gonna slide tackle. but now with tide oxi white, we can clean our white clothes without using bleach. it even works on colors.
11:26 pm
i slide tackled. i see that. tide oxi white. >> jordan: welcome back to "the daily show." now to perform "hang in there," please welcome back maya hawke! ♪ ♪ >> ♪ he said ♪ ♪ he could see through to your core ♪ ♪ you thought ♪ ♪ his heart was open like yours ♪ ♪ that he was just trying to hide it ♪ ♪ that he knew you better than you did ♪ ♪ he said you were ♪ ♪ a sweet thing in a tough spot ♪ ♪ that you just needed to let your guard down ♪ ♪ you weren't a ♪ ♪ dragon or an icon ♪
11:27 pm
♪ man, i wish that i could take his teeth out ♪ ♪ he's gonna get away with it ♪ ♪ i know, i've been there ♪ ♪ you're gonna get the hang of it ♪ ♪ hang on, hang in there ♪ ♪ maybe ♪ ♪ he said ♪ ♪ ♪ you always get what you want ♪ ♪ you thought, ♪ ♪ i think you just proved himself wrong ♪
11:28 pm
♪ good things happen to bad people ♪ ♪ you are an original ♪ ♪ he is a classic ♪ ♪ ♪ a weapon of mass distraction ♪ ♪ when it got bad enough ♪ ♪ you fell in the habit of ♪ ♪ mistaking his violence for passion ♪ ♪ he's gonna get away with it ♪ ♪ i know, i've been there ♪ ♪ you're gonna get the hang of it ♪ ♪ hang on, hang in there ♪ ♪ maybe ♪
11:29 pm
♪ is there a way i can make it all easier to swallow ♪ ♪ if i'd get away with the crime ♪ ♪ i'd commit it, no problem ♪ ♪ unpack the impact it all had on you ♪ ♪ break down the backlash that he put you through ♪ ♪ what happened to you is not who you are ♪ ♪ everyone knows who you are ♪ ♪ he's gonna get away with it ♪ ♪ i know, i've been there ♪ ♪ and you're gonna get the hang
11:30 pm
of it ♪ ♪ hang on, hang in there ♪ ♪ maybe ♪ [cheers and applause] —[besegai] you're the marine? —[rory] yeah. you're the ex-con? -let's go! -i'm trying! stop talking. [machine voice] no alcohol detected. [cobby] is this your first job? i know what i'm doing. [cobby] move! [car crashes] little late for a career change, ain't it? we gotta find those guys before the cops do. everybody in new england is after us.
11:31 pm
go, go, go, go, go! [scalvo] what are you doing? taking notes. taking notes on a criminal conspiracy? the instigators. rated r. watch the trailer online. to help save for our home, we stopped going on trips and giving each other expensive gifts. we handmade them instead. that one took me three weeks. getting prequalified for a home loan was easier. it only took like 3 minutes. - it■s you. - it■s me. come on road, do your worst. we'll be at our best. triple tested to meet or exceed original equipment performance. exclusively at autozone. what's the worst part of the locker room? shareef: axe. axe. brandon: i like that. shareef: reminds me of like a designer store. brandon: this smells like a candle. shareef: is this a joke? you chose axe! brandon: i knew i had good taste! shareef: i thought that was a designer brand. i bought the team! kevin...? i put it on my chase freedom unlimited card.
11:32 pm
and i'm gonna' cashback on a few other things too! starting with the sound system... that's caaaaaaaaash. cashback like a pro with chase freedom unlimited. how do you cashback? remember space? and legroom? (♪♪) that's more like it. the three-row lexus tx. (♪♪)
11:33 pm
[cheers and applause] >> jordan: that's our show for tonight. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> he came in, talk to the conference. he was very honest, funny, joking around constantly with everyone. he saw me, i was sitting back a little while. he said, hello, he is always so sweet and recognizes me, and he said, are you being nice? he was joking. are you being nice >> johnson? i said , and i said, be nice to him and , and i said, be nice to him and i nodded my head. ♪♪ les: ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ les: ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
11:34 pm
♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ les: ♪ headin' on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ murpph mmmph mmph mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph! ♪ ♪ murpph mmmph mmph mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph! ♪ les: ♪ come on down to south park, and meet some friends of mine ♪ step up. prep up. with descovy for prep. descovy for prep is a once-daily prescription medicine that helps protect against hiv. it's not for everyone. descovy for prep has not been studied in people assigned female at birth. talk to your doctor to find out if descovy, the smallest prep pill available, is right for you. in a two-year study, 99.7% of people stayed
11:35 pm
hiv-negative while on descovy. descovy does not prevent other sexually transmitted infections, so it's important to use safer sex practices and get tested regularly. you must be hiv-negative to take descovy for prep. so, you need to get tested for hiv immediately before and at least every 3 months while taking it. if you think you were exposed to hiv or have flu-like symptoms, tell your doctor right away. they may check to confirm you are still hiv-negative. serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. rare, life-threatening side effects include a build-up of lactic acid and liver problems. the most common side effect was diarrhea. tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. if you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking descovy without talking to your doctor. ask your doctor if descovy for prep is right for you. get help paying for descovy. learn more at descovy.com. what's the worst part of the locker room? shareef: axe. axe. brandon: i like that. shareef: reminds me of like a designer store. brandon: this smells like a candle. shareef: is this a joke? you chose axe! brandon: i knew i had good taste! shareef: i thought that was a designer brand.

114 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on