good luck with your feelings. dwight, that was really nice. you should ask for her number. oh, i got her number-- 415 ycl. that's a license number. that's all you need. and when i have curried favor with her, i will let you know. oh, why me? because you are my friend, and you are a woman, and women love gossip. it's like air to you people. ugh, god. [retching] ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: hey, everybody! welcome to "the daily show!" my name is jon stewart. so nice to see you tonight. we have an unbelievable show for you tonight. next week, we're going to have our big debate show, but tonight, we are going to get a quick state of play on this incredibly consequential presidential election. i guess the election has basically boiled down to each candidate accusing the other of having soup where there should be brain. there's plenty of fodder for the attacks. for instance, for president biden, it is his habit of seemingly staring at what can only be considered ghosts or

out of frame paratroopers. and then, when pulled back into frame, somehow giving the impression that someone has just quantum leaped into his body. no, don't look directly at the sun, sir. and as for trump, it's him tripping over his own dick any time he tries to capitalize on biden's age. like this weekend, trump appeared at the herbalife of political conventions, "turning point usa." where trump articulated his case for having best brain-ful neurons smart. >> joe biden has no plan. he's got absolutely no plan. he doesn't even know what the word "inflation" means. >> jon: oh! oh, you did it! no! oh! joe biden's so dumb! he thinks inflation is a rise in

the overall price level for goods and services in the economy as measured by the consumer price index over time! oh, shit! [cheers and applause] turns out, that is what it is, sorry. i'm being told that is what it actually is. but still, you tell him, donny t! the case he's making to the american public is that he's the sharpest tool in the shed. see if you can find the flaw in his logic just one sentence later. >> i don't think, if you gave him a quiz -- i think he should take a cognitive test like i did. i took a cognitive test and i aced it. doc ronny, doc ronny johnson. does everyone know ronny johnson, congressman from texas? >> jon: ronny johnson! acing that cognitive test is a great point, if only his doctor

was actually named ronny johnson and not actually named ronny jackson. he got the guy's name wrong on his cognitive test! [laughter and cheering] i don't even know what to say. well, here is the problem, the sad thing is, under maga law, his name is now ronny johnson. this is the way. those aren't the only comments trump seems to have spit the bit on. just weeks before he heads to the republican national convention in milwaukee, he called milwaukee, quote, "a horrible city." forcing liberals around the country to defend milwaukee! a city they then had to pretend

to have been to! "oh, milwaukee is the finest city in... i want to say indiana?" but don't worry, because donald trump cleared the whole thing up. >> well, i think it was very clear what i meant. i said, we are very concerned with crime. i love milwaukee. i have great friends in milwaukee, but it's -- as you know, the crime numbers are terrible and we have to be very careful. >> jon: yes, lots of criminals in milwaukee. are you talking about now, sir, or when you and your felonious friends come to town? [cheers and applause] [laughter] this script, it just says "jon

turns and makes dumb face." that is what i did. i made a dumb face. [cheers and applause] anyway! it's a good save by former president trump. the city's great, he loves it! it's the dang democrat-encouraged crime. it's one of the right's favorite talking points not just for milwaukee, but for all democratic-run cities. that those cities are crime-infested shitholes where life is miserable and everyone hates everybody. but people who live in these cities know that this rhetoric is only kind of true. and when people who don't live in these cities say it, it's very annoying. and by the way, it does turn out that crime is actually down! >> the fbi reporting the nation's violent crime rate has dropped dramatically this year. >> overall violent crime down 15% from last year. murders down 26%. by every national metric, crime is down.

>> jon: solid trend. crime is down. it's all a misunderstanding. but now that the fbi numbers are out, i'm sure the right wing media will adjust accordingly. >> quality of life is not captured in any of the fbi numbers. and if you live in a blue city, walk outside and use your eyes. >> jon: you should use your [bleep] eyes! do you even see over your shoulder? do you see they're doing double donuts in a parking lot? that's the cirque du soleil of automobiles! that's not crime. that's art. oh, but i'm sorry, you were downplaying the crime statistics? >> now they say that there's no crime wave, but do you feel safe? >> doesn't feel that way. >> it certainly doesn't feel that way for the average american today. >> democrats will say, well, but crime is down. that's not how people feel. >> jon: yeah, as the right always famously says: feelings don't care about your facts! [bleep] your facts!

isn't that the slogan on the right? [cheers and applause] it does bring up a good point, though. if crime is down so much, why do people, especially on the right, feel like it's up? ♪ ♪ [dramatic music] oh. the crime graphic is... i haven't really calculated slope in a while, but it seems like the x-axis is moving into the nosebleeds while the y-axis is being tied down and sodomized. i'm sure that's just a one-off and not your network's entire programming. >> another day, another stream of brazen, violent crimes. >> the havoc being wreaked upon america, undoubtedly coming to a town or city near you. >> blatant and outrageous crimes occurring on a daily basis coast-to-coast. >> you're seeing that in chicago, in new york, you know, these democrat-run cities. >> there is so much crime in the

city. i can't comprehend how people live there. >> new york is now this dystopian hell hole of crime and violence. [laughter] >> jon: is now a dystopian hell hole? you're just figuring that out now, you big puss? oh, i'm sorry, is times square elmo too scary for you? because times square elmo, he comes at you? are you scared of times square elmo because he punches back? unlike the other elmos who allow you to tickle them with no consequences? yeah, new york's a dystopian hell hole! that and the bagels and pizza is why we move here! [cheers and applause]

of course, there is one particular type of crime that conservatives seem especially scared about. >> mark, why do i keep seeing people pushing other people onto the train tracks? >> jon: not that, that's that's not a crime -- that's okay. i get that. so the pushing onto the train tracks, that is just a misunderstanding. here is what is happening. so we do have people in the subways who are there to try to help other passengers onto the train. but sometimes the train isn't there yet. it's not malevolent. it's just early. but i was actually talking about another type of crime. >> people are getting shot in the face every single day. >> you can literally get shot anywhere in the city. >> we have people getting shot in the subway. >> people are getting shot out

on the streets. >> you go out for a loaf of bread, you end up getting shot. >> jon: "yeah, you get shot! new yorkers haven't had a sandwich in 12 years! just an eggplant parm loose in the hands!" first of all, i'm surprised trump is scared of guns at all considering he thinks they sound like this. >> we had our beautiful marines standing there, bing, bing, bing, bing. >> you know in old days -- bing, bong. [laughter and applause] >> jon: bing, bong, bing, bong. bing, bing, bing. i would pay money to hear him describe the opening scene of "saving private ryan." "bing, bing, bing! and then the nazis go bong, bong, bong!" bong, bong! no one can get brad!

bing, bing, bong, bong. but the point is, if you leave your home in new york, you will be shot dead. to all of our audience members, i'm glad you chose to have your last moments with us. [cheers and applause] sadly, i must bid you a melancholy bing bong. bing, bing, bing. now all of this is not to say that gun crime does not exist. of course it does! and some cities are worse than others. but here's the thing, and i say this with all due respect: the balls of these right wing mother[bleep]! talking about how there's too much gun crime and chaos in our democratic cities, when republicans are the ones who have enabled the flood of

illegal weaponry into our cities in the first place. [cheers and applause] so don't get your little panties in a bunch. here is something you want to know: 93% of the illegal guns used in crimes in new york city aren't from here! they, like theater majors, have come here to make a name for themselves. the guns come from states like florida and georgia and south carolina, where the gun laws are lax. and trust me, florida's not sending us their best guns. they're bringing guns for drugs and crime and rapists, and some i assume, are good guns. and try as we might to put up some border controls to stem this invasion, this flood of literally undocumented weapons, republicans fight every attempt

to bring some kind of order. and even pass laws to increase the chaos! look at all the laws and think they have done! in 2005, they passed a law that effectively protects gun dealers and the gun manufacturers from being held liable for where their guns end up. they also try and make sure that terrorists and felons could still get guns. and just recently, they made sure that they can turn those guns into machine guns with bump stocks! they make it impossible to study the effects of guns! to track these illegal guns! they fight [bleep] everything! you want to know how cynical it is? remember this guy? this guy. congressman andrew clyde from georgia loves to go on tv and talk about crime in democratic cities. >> republicans have always been the party of law and order, and what you have seen is the massive increases in crime have been primarily at democrat-run cities. >> jon: yeah, turns out, while he was complaining about the uptick in gun crimes in new york city, he himself was fighting added scrutiny on gun stores like the two that he

owns that have been implicated in over 25 gun crimes since 2020. why would they do this? there must be a reason, right? because the right always tells us there is no coincidences, right? isn't that what we are told all the time? it's almost as though republicans must have a secret plan funded by their billionaires to flood our cities with illegal, undocumented guns, pouring them over our state borders, in the hopes of killing off reliable democratic voters. the "great displacement theory." that is obviously what's happening, and no honest person would think otherwise. so there's only one real solution. unfortunately, for the borders of florida, georgia, and south carolina, we have to: what's the word? >> [chanting "build the wall!"] [cheers and applause] >> jon: bing bong! when we come back, reverend william j. barber will be joining me on the show. don't go away.

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[find my chime] [in unison] - hey! ♪ [thud] ♪ ♪ i wanna see all my friends at once ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a protestant minister, social activist, and yale divinity school professor whose latest book is called, "white poverty: how exposing myths about race and class can reconstruct american democracy." please welcome to the show reverend dr. william barber. sir! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> a pleasure! a pleasure! >> jon: the book is called "white poverty." you, sir, are famously not white. >> [laughs] well -- >> jon: so why write "white poverty"? >> well, actually, i come from caucasian, black, and tuscarora descendant. >> jon: wow. >> my people are free people in

eastern north carolina, a lot of north carolina. in some ways, this book is me. so to deny any part of my reality would be to deny myself. but here is the problem i'm concerned about. the way we measure poverty in this country is not only a lie, but i can say on this show, it is a damn lie. >> jon: sir, you can do more if you want. >> okay. >> jon: we've got plenty more room for that. >> i only use the ones that are in the bible. >> jon: you are a reverent. >> so we say, we use the official poverty measure, says that poverty come if you make a book $13,000 a year, you are no. >> jon: if you make about $13,000 a year, you are not poor, you are in the lower, lower middle class. >> jon: when was the last time they adjusted? >> it's been since the '60s in some ways. what happens with that is, we marginalize poverty, and then we racialized it. whatever we have a brief discussion about poverty, because we very seldom have it, in the news, and political

arenas can we put up a black woman on welfare, which rationalizes it and means black people but then it dismisses tens of millions of white poor people. >> jon: you are right. 66 million -- >> of the 135 million poor and low wage people in this country, 60% of black people are poor, 26 million. 30% of white but that it 66 million, 40 million more. this book says, we need to face all of our poor and recognize that we have something what desmond, an author out of princeton calls "poverty by america." on the poverty in america but the particular kind of poverty in america that is unnecessary and abolishable because it makes no sense in the richest nation of the world. we have over 135 million poor, low wage people come over 41% or population, and over 50% of our children. and it is unnecessary. so white poverty says, we are not playing the game anymore.

>> jon: let's not look at this through the prism of race. let's look at it through class. do you think of that division was a purposeful one? >> i think so. and to expand race, you have to deal with race in america. but what you cannot allow someone to do for something this serious, where 295,000 people are dying a year from poverty and low wage. >> jon: how many? >> 295,000, 800 people a day. >> jon: are dying. >> poverty is the fourth cutting leaves of death in the country, higher than respiratory disease. >> jon: it even impacts respiratory disease because if you are low-wage and living in an area, chances are that pollution and toxins are higher where you live. >> all of those things. here we have something that is the fourth leading cause of death, 800 people a day. when seven people die from vaping, it was a congressional hearing. it was presidential level. >> jon: [laughs] >> right? imagine if 800 politicians were dying a day. >> jon: oh, i have. [applause]

>> [laughs] well, i can't do that. but my point is, how everybody would just be up in arms there at 800 middle-class people. 800 wealthy people. >> jon: that is clearly epidemic. >> you just talked about crime. that is a crime. especially when it is unnecessary. it does not have to be. >> jon: and entrenched. it seems, and a lot of communities, it just is a cloud that never lifts. >> welcomed the thing about it is, jon, it is in every community. that is the point we are making in the book. whether it is appalachia where i met women in west virginia who have to sell tacos on tuesdays so they have a community fund to help women deal with their monthly issues or whether it is out in eastern kentucky where i met black and white coal miners who watch the minds be taken over by multinational companies that moved to the union rights out of it, or whether it is in the delta, it is everywhe.

there is not a county in this country now where a person making $7.25 -- that is with the minimum wage. the federal minimum wage of $7.25, it has been like that for 14 years, jon, it has not been reached for my 14 years. >> jon: when they try to raise it in 2015, the fight is, everywhere you go, a huge fight to raise it to $15, it's going to kill other jobs. >> which is a lie. three nobel pete economists said it would not kill jobs, it will put more money in the economy and it would actually expand drops. here's the thing, we had 15 proposed in 2020. eight democrats and all republicans stood against 55 million people -- 52 million people who make less than a living wage, $50 an hour. here's the thing. in '63, the march on washington called for raising the minimum wage to $2 which indexed with inflation would be over $50 a day. >> jon: really? people forget that the march in

washington was subtitled for job injustice. >> it wasn't just about black civil justice. it was a broad, broad, inclusive of a just filled democracy here we are, in this reality, and people are hurting everywhere. there is not a county where you can work a minimum wage job and before the basic choker bedroom apartment. and waiters and waitresses -- >> jon: on minimum wage. >> jon: not accounting the country if you had to be minimum wage job, there is not a county in the country where you could afford it. >> not a federal come i don't. >> jon: this is the working poor. i think in the country there is a sense of, it's an entitlement mentality, that is why there is a certain character flaw that keeps you there. these are people that are working. >> yeah, the entitlement is in the politicians to keep raising their wages and giving corporations tax breaks but they won't help the working people. that is the entitlement. [cheers and applause] so -- and we are talking about, during covid -- covid did not

exacerbate poverty, it exposed it. >> >> jon: right. >> we did a study called the death during covid and we found that whether you were in a poor county of west virginia, or poor county and the delta, poor people died at a rate 3-5 times higher during covid because of their poverty. not because of the germs somehow discriminated. but we did. >> jon: access to good health care. >> so far, one study said from the lack of health care. and if you don't face this, jon, this is the point of the book. we have to face this. we have to look at it. we had 15 presidential debates the last election. 40% of the adult population poverty, 800 people dying a day, not one debate was focused on it. we have not had an over office discussion. >> jon: why don't politicians value what is an incredibly large population in many different, i am sure, and swing

states? so why don't they -- to poor people need better lobbyists? what is it that can be done to get a politician to listen? >> well, i think that what we are seeing now is, we just had a study. i asked for it to be done as part of our movement, waking the sleeping giant. and this is what we found out. that all of these numbers also tell us that poor, low wage people now represent 30% of the electorate in the country. >> jon: 30%. >> and over 40% in states where the marginal victory was less than 3%. and in texas, where it was less than 5%. where we are saying to poor and low-wage people of every race, it is time to mobilize your vote. there is not a state where 20% of poor, low-wage voters that didn't vote at 57 million voters, 30 million didn't in the last election. but if 20% that didn't vote move, they could change every election. under most states, michigan, wisconsin, pennsylvania, florida, it is less than 4%. so what we are doing is

organizing a massive movement. in fact, on june 29th in washington, d.c., we have a massive four people low-wage workers assembling on the ball march on d.c. and to the polls, saying that poor and low-wage people have to find themselves, white, black, brown, asian, native, and unite around attacking what we call five interlocking injustices, systemic racism, systemic poverty, ecological destination, health care, and the religious nationalists. and j jon come in our agenda, we are saying to the politicians, if you want these boats, bring them in at the top level. president biden, bring a group poor folk and low-wage -- >> jon: what has the response been when you reach out to our political class? what has a response been? >> well, because we have been lied to so much, at first, they says it is not that big. and then we prove that it's

actually 135 -- and then they don't expect to have people are going to organize. you know, in a democracy, you have to engage in agitation, legislation, litigation, and voter participation. so what we are saying to poor and low-wage folk -- [applause] let's use this power. so we are having this gathering but for the conventions, we are going to touch 15 million poor and low-wage voters with the facts on where people stand, where they stand on the issues and say, let's mobilize, and because that is the true swing vote. so linda lake, who is a major pollster, says the truest, most powerful, bigoted swing vote right now is poor and low-wage people. you know, jon, folk often asked me, you and i have often talked about this, does our current society require that things be like this? >> jon: this was the real crux of the issue. >> what this book as is, well, it is kind of like, put your

hand in an electric socket that is connected. it requires that you get shocked. because you put your finger there. you don't have to do it. but if you keep doing things the way you are doing it, you are going to get shocked. if you keep paying less than a living wage, if you keep denying people health care, if you keep giving greedy, wealthy folk trillion, $2 trillion tax cuts but you won't even spend the money to fully fund public education, if we keep doing what we are doing, we are going to keep having the level of poverty that we are having. and we don't have to do it. it is actually, i believe, criminal, a form of a policy violence, to continue down the road. >> jon: doesn't it weaken the system as a whole? you can almost make a case that if the system is requiring a permanent, entrenched underclass, that it makes itself ripe for instability, and i'm wondering, is there a way to change the mind-set? because the mind-set in america is, there is a moocher class.

these poor people are moochers. we work hard and poor people get health care, they get food, they get whatever they need. i don't get it. is there a way to change the mentality to view things not as entitlements, but investments? it may be to get labor, not to get viewed as shareholders, that corporations have to view labor, not as a means to an end, but as shareholders in the act, and cannot change the dynamic? >> it can. but one of the first things we believe we have to do, we talk about moral fusion organizing, first of all, we should be examining every policy, not by the color of a presidents hair or how many porn stars he touched or what is the gate of his walk. does the policy you propose, do they line up with establishing justice? do they line up with providing for the the common defense and

promoting the general welfare? do they line up with eric deepest moral interest? secondly, we must expose the level of death that is happening. this is not benign. third, we must make sure that folks see at all, it is not one group of people. we have been lied to so much about this is an anomaly, this is a small group. we cannot allow this to be marginalized anymore. and then we must have massive organization of poor and low-wage people of every place, every geographic, and every race, and in doing that, we can put poverty and low wages at the center of the discourse. and then, yes -- >> jon: is into that america first? isn't that making america great again? if you hollow out the country, how can you expect it to be strong? [applause] wouldn't that be the absolute acme of strengthening a country from the bottom up as opposed to the top down? >> you would think it would be. but if you've got people that are still living when they first wrote the constitution and said even poor white men that didn't

own jobs, didn't own land couldn't go. if you have people with that kind of mentality, that they should be an exclusive democracy rather than inclusive but listen, the numbers tell us, though, there are more of us. the thing is, you can't be lazy in a democracy. you've got to fight like heaven -- [laughs] [cheers and applause] >> jon: you caught yourself on that one. >> and what we are trying to show people, the numbers are down. listen, wisconsin, margin of victory, 20,000 vote, number of poor low-wage voters didn't vote come over a million. >> jon: didn't vote. >> michigan, 10,000 folks, the number of poor, low-wage folks, 1 million. pennsylvania, 40,000 votes determined the president. number of poor, low-wage voters, 2 million. north carolina, 160,000.

over a million. so it is not a big lift. and the number one reason, though, we did a study called making the sleeping giant, the poor and low-wage people didn't vote, nobody talks to them. politicians don't go into those communities. i have gone to communities and people literally cry and say, reverend barber, nobody comes back here. what i say to them, we are back here now, but let's mobilize to make sure that they never forget you again. that they never forget you ever again. [cheers and applause] >> jon: "white poverty" is available now. reverend barber will be leading the poor people's campaign's march on washington june 29th. we're going to take a quick break. we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show for tonight! oh, before we go, this friday june 21st, we're partnering with new york to register voters and get dogs adopted. [cheers and applause] i like that. so join us at indogcision 2024: i'm sorry. rescuing democracy from

2:00-6:00 p.m. on 200 centre street in new york city. and now let's check in with your hosts for the rest of the week, ronny chieng and desi lydic! [cheers and applause] ronny chieng, desi lydic. what's up with the diamonds? >> oh, these old things? oh, these are just gifts from our dear friend harlan crowe. >> jon: the guy who bribed clarence thomas? >> what? >> what? >> oh, my god, no! >> harlan? he would never do that! >> salt of the earth. >> jon: because i thought you'd be covering the clarence thomas -- >> i've gotta stop you there, jon. for us to cover that story now, after accepting these wonderful gifts would be unethical. >> sometimes i think we're almost too ethical. >> jon: definitely. desi lydic and ronny chieng, everybody. now, here it is, your "moment of zen." >> i love milwaukee! >> i know you do. >> it is amazing. >> while speaking to

republicans, trump called milwaukee "a horrible city." >> can i say something to milwaukee. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ [bell ringing] - this is shop class. my name is mr. adler. for the next week, rather than your normal schoolwork, you will be learning how to make things. now, does anybody know why you are in shop class? yes? - because we had to choose between this and home ec and we didn't want to be sissies?

- wrong. you are here because you are america's future. you may some day be doctors or lawyers or scientists. most of you, however, will be pumping gas or cutting sheet metal. and that's why we have... shop class. - ohhh. - now, let me make one thing crystal clear. i don't like kids that screw around. you screw around in shop class, you can lose a hand or an eye. i have... i have...i have... - mr. adler? - huh? oh. uh, i was just saying that i want to know who is the biggest troublemaker in your class. - tweek is. - ah! no, i'm not. - yeah, you are, tweek. you always get in trouble. - ah! - uh, hello. excuse me, but craig is the biggest troublemaker in our class. - that true, craig? you a troublemaker? - no. - well, you better not be, because in shop class-- hey, did you just flip me off? - no. - yes, you did. - told ya. - dude, shop class sucks. maybe we should've taken home ec. - no way, dude, home ec is for girls. - welcome to home ec. for the next week, you will be learning how to bake, sew,

clean, and make things that are lacy and pretty. - whoo-hoo! - yes, wendy? - i requested to be in shop class, but they sent me here. - that's right, wendy. you see, some of you girls will go on to have interesting jobs and careers. but all of you pretty ones won't have to worry about that, because you can marry a nice man, and that's why we have home ec. - whoo-hoo! - i wonder why kenny didn't want to take shop class. - i don't know. he's such a wuss. - hey, don't screw around. you screw around too much. - you know, you guys are totally wrong about tweek. craig is way worse than he is. - no, he's not, dude. craig is a wuss. - dude, if craig and tweek got in a fight, craig would kick tweek's ass. - you wanna bet? - yeah, i'll bet. - how much? - five bucks. - you're on. - ah! - hey, tweek. dude, craig chooses you. he wants to fight. - he does? - yeah. he's all pissed off at you. so will you fight him? - why? - dude, because. you have to stand up for yourself. so will you fight him? - ah, he doesn't look like he wants to fight me. - craig, can i talk to you real quick? just a second, please.

craig, i'm not normally one to get involved in this kind of thing, but, well, i was just standing over by tweek, and he called you a big poop eater. - he did? - yeah, he said you eat poop. and that it makes your breath smell like poop, and that, well, you like it. - why would he say that? - i don't know, craig. i don't know. but now he's over there telling everybody that you're a poop eater and he chooses you. - well, i'm gonna go over there and-- - no, no, craig, you can't fight him here. mr. adler will just break it up. tell you what. i'll go tell him you accept his challenge and set it up for after school today. - okay. - there, you see? he just flipped you off. - ah! what a jerk. - he's really got it out for you, dude. - why? what did i do? - so do you agree to fight him after school? - i guess so. - super, see ya there. - catch me, richard. [laughing] i'm so in love with you, richard. i made you some cookies, richard. [sniffing] merry christmas, richard. [laughs] oh, richard, say we'll be this happy forever.

[screaming] [muffled] richard! [bell ringing] - [screams] [chewing] oh, why? why? - mr. adler. mr. adler. - huh? stop screwin' around. - the bell rang. can we go? - oh, well, sure. uh, class dismissed. - come on, you guys. this is gonna be sweet, dude. - you guys are so wrong about tweek. he's gonna get his ass kicked. - we'll see. - why don't we just raise our bet to $10? - you're on, fat ass. - well, well, well, look who's here, our little home economics friend, kenny. - [muffled speech] - how come you wanna take home ec, kenny? - yeah, that's not cool, dude. - bye, kenny. see ya tomorrow. - bye, kenny. - [muffled speech] - hey, what's going on? - tweek and craig are gonna fight. - really? cool. it's funny, 'cause tweek and craig both went home about 15 minutes ago. - what? - yeah, they left. - ah, hell. - those sons of bitches. - i guess they don't want to fight. - oh, they want to fight. they just don't know it yet. [doorbell ringing] - tweek. - tweek.

- ah! what do you guys want? - how come you didn't show up to the fight, tweek? - craig and i have no reason to fight each other. - well, craig showed up. - he did? - yeah, he was standing there waiting for you. and he was all like, "man, tweek's a wuss." and we were all like, "no, he's not, craig." and he was all like, "yeah, he is. "he isn't showing up. he's a big wuss, and he has crooked teeth." - i don't have crooked teeth. - and then craig was all like, "tweek is scared of me. he's a big chicken." and he started doing an impersonation of you being a chicken. everybody in the world saw it. - everyone in the world? ah! - yeah, it was weak. - i'm not a chicken. - well, everyone in the world thinks you are. see ya, tweek. - wait. i'll fight. - tomorrow? - okay. [knocking on door] - craig, what the hell are you doing home? you're supposed to be out fighting tweek. - red racer's on. - craig, you can watch red racer any day of the week. - i do watch red racer every day of the week. - well, that's fine. i guess you don't care about what tweek said about your mom. - nope. - ah! god damn it. [knocking on door] - oh, i guess you don't care what tweek said about your guinea pig. - what? what did he say about stripe? - oh, nothing, except that you stick it up your ass before you go to bed. - that son of a bitch. i'll kill him! - yeah, i'd be pissed too.

so maybe we should reschedule the fight for tomorrow? - after red racer. - after red racer, of course. - how was school today, son? - ah! - that's great. - dad, if some kid at school wants to fight me, what should i do? - son, let me tell you a little story about when your mother and i first met. - you see, a long time ago, there were a lot of guys who were after your mother. she used to be very attractive. - it's true. i was. - well, when i started courting your mother, there was this big muscular football player named quib who didn't take too kindly to me. he wanted your mother all to himself. and so one day, he challenged me to a fight. - well? - "well" what, honey? - ah! what happened? - oh, i don't know. he moved away or something. - yes, i think that's right. - ah! you guys never help me. your stories never go anywhere! i hate it. i want out. i want out. - dad, i'm supposed to get in a fight tomorrow. - with who? - some kid.

- oh. - don't just "oh" him, thomas. - yeah, don't just "oh" me. - i'll "oh" whoever i want. - well, that was fun, pearl. see ya later. - richard, aren't you going to invite me in? - why? - well, i thought maybe you would at least attempt to make love to me tonight. - oh, well, uh... i can't. i left the oven on. - oh, richard, why can't you open your heart to me? why? - i just...i can't. oh, i know. i have genital warts. - we'll use plastic wrap. - nope, sorry. maybe some other time. - swing me, richard. swing me higher. i want to touch the sky, richard. richard, i'm here... just now. oh, richard, it's beautiful. yes, yes.

but you have to come see me fly tomorrow, richard. i have a surprise for you. don't worry, richard. i'm a pilot. it's what i do. [screaming] richard. richard. - [screams] [munching] oh, god. what am i gonna do?

- okay, so just to set the record straight here, the fight will be happening out by the tetherball pole at 3:30. tweek just weighed in at 48 pounds, craig at 45. - uh, how long do you expect the fight to last? - how ever long craig wants it to last. [laughter] make no mistake. craig has been ready for this fight since day one. he doesn't even view it as a challenge. - he'll view it as a challenge when he's getting his ass kicked. - did you hear that? it sounds like diarrhea coming out of someone's mouth or something. - shut up, fat-ass. - don't call me fat, you son of a bitch. [punching & yelling] - wow, tweek and craig really hate each other, huh? this should be a good fight. - on your first date, look at the man's shoes. sometimes you can tell how much money a man has just by his shoes. when he takes you out to dinner, try to sneak a peek at his wallet while he pays for you. if he only has one credit card, beware. it means he doesn't spend a lot, and worse yet, it could be a debit card. if he has more than four credit cards, that's a little fishy. the perfect number of credit cards

for a man to have is...two. yes, bebe. - what if we meet a guy who wants to be a doctor or a lawyer but is still getting his degree? - dump that zero and get yourself a hero. he could be earning that degree all his life while you starve to death with two dying babies sucking at your teets. - when i have you guys' ten bucks, i'm gonna use it to buy the sweetest big-screen tv in the world. - that's more than ten bucks, you stupid fat-ass. - well, if i get ten bucks from each of you, that's like $2,000. - hey, quit screwing around back there. you're horsin'. - [echoing] richard... - [whistling nonchalantly] - [echoing] richard... - [whispering voice] if you build it... - swing me, richard. swing me higher. richard, i'm here... oh, richard, it's beautiful. yes. but you have to come see me fly tomorrow, richard. i have a surprise for you. don't worry, richard, i'm a pilot.

it's all for you. [engine sputters] [screams] richard. - mr. adler? mr. adler! - huh, what? - tommy stuck his face in the belt sander. - the belt sander? tommy, i told you not to screw around with the belt sander, didn't i? well, go on, go see the nurse. she'll give you some peroxide. - what's that? - huh? oh, this is a woman that i knew a long time ago. - what, she die or something? - what? hey. go on. you're screwin' around in here. - oh, boy, here we go. - what's happening? - tweek's gonna fight craig. - oh, cool. - stay pissed, tweek, stay pissed. all right, here we go. - time for you to get proven wrong, fat boy. - you're gonna be eating those words, asshole. - no, i won't, because you'd eat 'em first, tubby. - well? - come on. - yeah, if you're gonna do it, do it.

- what do we do? - huh? - what do you mean what do you do? just fight each other. - how? - how? - i've never been in a fight before. - me neither. [all moan] - aw, dude, come on. - you just hit each other, smack each other around. - not like that. - like what then? - all right, all right, screw this. we'll have to postpone the fight so tweek and craig can learn how to fight. [all moan] - all that build-up for nothing. - yeah, christ, i could've been home by now. - all right, tweek, we'll teach you how to fight, and, cartman, you teach craig. - i don't think that's very fair. if i teach craig, he's gonna really kill tweek. - oh, yeah? well, i'm gonna have my uncle jimbo teach tweek how to box. - ooh, boxing, scary, you guys. i'm gonna have craig learn martial arts. - fine, we'll see you back here tomorrow. - fine. - fine. - fine, that's fine. - all righty, tweek. my little nephew stanley has asked me to teach you the fine points of boxing. - ah. - you're in luck. ned here used to be the state champion until a grenade blew his arm off. - [voice box] i can still kick ass. - now, tweek... boxing is a man sport. there is nothing in the world more man than boxing. it is man at his most man. so when you spar with ned here,

just dig deep into that most man part of you. - wah. - well, enough of the lectures. let's get to boxing. [ding] - ah. - what you got, bi-atch? - keep your guard up, tweek. - damn it. - come on, tweek. he's only got one arm. - all right, it looks like we'll have to apply the oppenheimer technique with tweek, here... - what you got, bi-atch? - punch him in the balls, tweek. attaboy, now quick, get him again while he's down. - [grunting] - good, now kick his balls. there, see? you got him coughing up blood. all: hooray. - ah. - now that's boxing. - your friend has brought you to learn the ancient art of sumo. you must learn the discipline and respect. in sumo, your body must be like a stone, and your mind like a meat loaf. - meat loaf? - the object is simply to push opponent out of circle.

is opponent ready? - i'm ready. yeah, i like this hair thing. this is cool. - let us begin. ready...and...begin. - respect my authority. - body like stone. mind like meat loaf. - ooh, come on, na. - oh, jesus, i can't take it. aagh. - fight back, resist the ass. - how can i resist an ass so great? - it is only an ass. you must overcome the ass with your mind. - this ass is unlike any i have encountered, master-- - i win. - there is indeed great power in your ass, eric. perhaps you should consider sumo as a profession. - hey, maybe. - no...no... make it stop... - oh, richard, say we'll be this happy forever. but you have to come see me fly tomorrow, richard. i have a surprise for you. don't worry, richard, i'm a pilot. watch me, richard. [alarm beeping]

[engine stalls] ah! richard. - [screams] i never got to say good-bye. i never got to say good-bye. oh, no. oh, no, now what do i do? [sobbing] when you see what it's really like when our skin touches wool... you see why we need downy free and gentle with no perfumes or dyes. it not only makes your clothes softer, it is gentle on your skin. it breathes life into your laundry.

norman, bad news... i never graduated it ifrom med school. skin. what? -but the good news is... xfinity mobile just got even better! now, you can automatically connect to wifi speeds up to a gig on the go. plus, buy one unlimited line and get one free for a year. i gotta get this deal... i know... faster wifi and savings? ...i don't want to miss that. that's amazing doc. mobile savings are calling. visit xfinitymobile.com to learn more. doc? ♪ when your child starts getting into everything, you may need a little help. so duracell created the only lithium coin batteries with a bitter coating to help discourage swallowing. ♪

(♪♪) basketball's a very physical sport. i get a lot of marks throughout the season. it's a sign of hard work. you've got to push yourself to the limit. having marks on your body is not a sign of failure, it's a step towards improvement. movement leaves marks. your antiperspirant shouldn't. degree ultraclear. nonstop protection against white marks. - okay, that was very good, class.

now let's try this one together: honey, can i get a new wardrobe? all: honey, can i get a new wardrobe? - all right, now let's try this one together. lisa smith's husband just bought her a new car. all: lisa smith's husband just bought her a new car. - good, bebe, why don't you try this one: i think a trip to hawaii would really improve our sex life. - i think a trip to hawaii would really improve our sex life. - outstanding. now, kenny. how about you try: i can't make love to you until we get a king-size bed. - [mumbling] - okay, kenny, could i talk to you over here real quick? - [muffled] - kenny, i don't quite know how to tell you this, but... i'm not sure home economics is right for you. - why? - well, your cooking is unsatisfactory. your sewing skills are below average and... frankly, i don't think the odds of you marrying a nice rich man in the future are very, well... good. - [muffled] - no, i think you should consider transferring to shop class.