to teaching the third grade! - oh, i'm sorry, we don't hire gay people. [laughing] ♪ ♪ >> from the most trusted journalist at comedy central, this is "the daily show" with your hosts, desi lydic and ronny chieng! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> desi: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm desi lydic! >> ronny: and i'm ronny chieng! >> desi: tonight you get two hosts and that means two times the fun! >> ronny: that sounds like a lot of work. how about we have half as much fun as usual and combine it for a normal amount of fun? >> desi: that sounds easier, let's do that. >> ronny: great, let's get right into the headlines. [applause] let's kick things off with some big sports news. at last meant the boston celtics won the nba championship. [applause] now they have a record number of championships, 18. one more than the lakers and somehow 25 more than the clippers? and now they are ready to celebrate with the city of boston. if at first, are going somewhere fun. >> according to "the boston globe," before the celtics returned to boston they will first spend a few days celebrating their win in miami. the plan to return to boston on friday.

[laughter] speak to of course they are going to celebrate in miami. i mean, you've got to go to where the butts are! and boston doesn't have any good ones, even though they have a ton of assholes. how do people in boston celebrate anything? "come on, let's party with clam chowder and mark wahlberg's house!" >> desi: it would be so funny if you did that joke with a boston accent. [laughter] let's move onto the election. we've been talking a lot about president biden and donald trump, but the president isn't the only elected official that can ruin your life. there are hundreds of people all over the country who are coming for you. >> ronny: let's take a look at some of these promising young stars in a special edition of "indecision 2024: going down on the ballot." [cheers and applause] let's kick things off in

minnesota where republicans have endorsed royce white to run against democratic senator amy klobuchar in november, and he's already turning the race into an episode of jerry springer. >> white has been mired in controversial revelations, including failure to pay child support, referring to women as mouthy and at one time identifying himself as an anti-semite on social media. and then there are the questionable campaign expenditures in 2022 when he ran for congress, including $1200 at a florida strip club. >> ronny: i'm not paying child support to mouthy women because i'm spending it up a strip club? i mean, talk about red flag bingo. he even calls himself an anti-semite on social media, although to be fair to him, declaring him an anti-semite is how you have to log into twitter now. that's the new captcha. [applause] if you're wondering about the accusation that he spent campaign funds at a strip club.

listen, he has a very clear explanation for this. >> it was recently revealed you spent campaign donations at a strip club. is that true? >> that's not true. it was a reference to a campaign filing at the fec that was not done properly. >> your claim is there were filings which said you spent campaign funds at a strip club, but they were incorrect -- >> no, they didn't say that i spent the funds at a strip club. they didn't say that i spent the funds on strippers. >> but it was spent at a strip club? >> well, they sell food outta strip club, don't they? [laughter and applause] >> ronny: i'm not sure this helps his case. of minnesota needs a senator who makes good decisions, so vote for me, the guy who goes to a strip club to eat shrimp. [laughter] and i'm sorry for interrupting him, i mean coming you were busy explaining how you don't know anything about strip clubs.

>> you spent the money on food at a strip club, is that more accurate? >> you seem to be very unfamiliar with drippers and strip clubs and drag strip shows. i'll inform you they do have food at strip clubs. >> so what you're saying is the money -- >> did you know that though? have you ever been to a strip club? >> one time. >> did you like the food? >> no. >> you've got to go to better strip clubs. >> okay. >> ronny: this guy want really quick from not knowing anything about strip clubs to being a strip club expert. "i don't know about the place, but go to the second floor, ask for charisse. she will take you to the champagne room, behind that is the real vip room, code 2664, tell them you want the royce white special, they will know what you mean." [cheers and applause] i don't understand why this guy is trying really hard not to violate campaign finance law but wants to be very clear that he knows his way around strip clubs. >> desi: which is fine, no judgment. just say you used the wrong

credit card. it wouldn't be the worst accidental insertion in a strip club. this guy has got way more problems than that. look -- and i don't want to sound mouthy, but... enough is enough. someone needs to call this guy out his offensive wine hat. unacceptable. that is for white women only. my culture is not your costume, asshole! [cheers and applause] let's move on a race in missouri where a candidate for local office is getting the word out for the best way that young people know how, by shit-posting. >> a missouri republican running for secretary state has triggered liberals with their camping videos like this one. >> in america, you can be anything you want, so don't be

weak and gay. >> brittney griner should be rotting in a russian prison, not going to the olympics. caitlin clark is the only reason why we even watch women's basketball. she deserves to go to the olympics, unlike this unpatriotic lesbian. >> desi: i love that she is super into women's basketball but she's angry that there's a lesbian in the wnba? is someone gonna tell her? [laughter] she's not just planning to get gays out of women's sports, she's also deeply committed to getting them out of your library books. >> this is what i will do to the grooming books when i become secretary of state. if these books come from the missouri public right ohmic library. when i'm in office, they will burn. if >> desi: a flamethrower? take it easy! this is a book burning, not a gender reveal party! and what's wrong with a match? was she worried if she got to close the books would turn her gay? and just to remind you, she's

running for missouri secretary of state, typically not a job or you choose who goes to the olympics or set fire to anything. >> ronny: but enough of human clickbank candidates. never happen to people with substantive comments common sense legislative ideas like congressional candidate from florida james judge? >> president trump's first in office to suspend the writ of habeas corpus. this will give president trump the authority to arrest and imprison the treasonous officials and subversives. >> ronny: pretty casual call for the end of democracy there. you can't demand a suspension of due process in the same tone of voice you use to announce that someone's toyota has their lights on in the parking lot. i mean, honestly kind of makes you appreciate trump even more because at least he's got some showmanship. he's out there shouting on a big stage, is waving his hands around like an alpha chimpanzee to get you riled up. this guy looked like he interrupted a wedding reception. someone's going to come up after

him like okay, thanks for that, james, if we could keep the speeches about brad and mary, that would be great. >> desi: for more on these down ballot races and what they say about the state of american democracy, we go live to josh johnson! [cheers and applause] josh, why are there so many "out there" candidates in this election cycle? >> i will tell you why. we made our democracy too democratic. anyone thinks they can run for office just because the constitution says so. >> ronny: dosh, but the constitution does say so. >> come on. the founding fathers said that, but they didn't mean it! there were talk about guys named george or tom, not everybody. not like either of you, you know? definitely not me. oh, it would be mad! >> ronny: you think we should prevent people from running for

office? >> desi: it sounds like you are saying we need less democracy. >> i'm not saying that. i'm saying we should bring back all the old offices america used to have for these people. like village idiot. if you fight a book with a flamethrower, you are qualified for that office. books are an idiot's natural enemy and idiots love fire. [laughter and applause] there's plenty of old jobs, like lighthouse keeper or snake oil salesman, or the guy who screams "hear ye hear ye." or the dude at a saloon who spits in a bucket and makes that petoowie sounds. >> ronny: i think that's only westerns. >> desi: there's no way you can find an office for everyone of these people. >> watch me. for member that strip club guy royce white? he could be the town adulterous.

the person who wears wears an a on their clothes everybody knew they like to [bleep]. royce white is super qualified. i man is clearly spending campaign funds at the strip club. he took the most boring money in the economy and used it for over the pants stuff. point is, we will find jobs for the crazy people, the mysterious jobs can go to the serious politicians. >> desi: and how are we defining who's crazy into a series? >> that's easy. the crazy politicians will be ranting about space lasers and the serious politicians will be on the epstein list. >> ronny: makes sense to me! josh johnson, everyone! when we come back, we have a special interview with nathan wade, you don't want to miss it! [cheers and applause]

( ♪♪ ) woman: skating is my life and falling is a part of skating. there's a story behind every mark.

movement leaves marks. your antiperspirant shouldn't. degree ultraclear. nonstop protection against white marks. ♪ i wanna rock n' roll all night ♪ ♪ and party everyday ♪ ♪ i wanna rock n' roll ♪ applebee's late night because half off is just more fun. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. [cheers and applause] >> desi: welcome back to "the daily show"! by now we are all familiar with nathan wade, the special prosecutor on the trumpet election interference case. he had to step down when it was revealed he had a secret relationship with the district attorney fani willis. >> ronny: lots of people have been wondering how they could be so reckless with such an important trial. we had our friend marlon wayans sent his friend kwan to sit down with nathan wade and figure out what the hell he was thinking. >> what's up, welcome to chopping it up with kwan.

this is me, you know what i'm saying? i'm a real [bleep], giving the real questions that the real people want to know. your today i got my man nathan wade, looking smooth. what was your first thought when you had the affair? >> i don't label it and affair. d.a. willis is a respectable mother, a brilliant legal mind. we spent countless hours preparing this case -- >> i see it all happen, countless hours, and i need a foot rub, and like you know what i mean? let me give you a massage and all of a sudden we up on this desk. man. >> no. not even close. >> you or her? >> that's a great question.

during the course of the investigation we would meet early mornings, weekends, spend a full day's -- >> how can you not hit that? how can you not? we spending that much time together, we doing everything, we might as well! >> in terms of workplace romances, how many places have you worked? >> i probably worked like three or four places and everywhere i went it was a mess. so she your boss, you are not indecent proposal -- what's that white girls name that married to the dude from diehard? >> that's a common misconception. >> you on that disclosure -- >> that's a common misconception. she's not my boss, she's never been my boss. >> she didn't me too you? >> no. she was more analogous to a client. >> so you are saying she was a client? so you serve her well. >> i think i did my job. let's talk about some of the successes i did -- >> i think we talked about

successes. >> we didn't. we are talking about securing an indictment, talking about getting people to enter please. >> write, enter, please. >> we are talking about other jurisdictions. >> so let me ask you, when the girl was like "hey, babe, you want to be in charge of this prosecution of the president of the united states who did this insurrection, did you think like this could get messy? or you was like no, i will be all right? >> we did not have that type of relationship at the outset, and we were interviewing other people for the position. >> what position was it? that position look like this? or did that position look like this? >> so, no. >> after wade resigned as

special prosecutor, a law dog still tried to use their relationship to get the case thrown out. they compelled his ass to testify and grilled this [bleep] hard. >> did you go to a cabin with ms. willis ever? >> but the homie had answers. >> ever? >> ever. [laughter] >> no. >> my question is, where you booking all these cabins? how many district attorneys you been smashing in cabins? >> zero. >> is it airbnb? where you be getting all these cabins from? that's what my people want to know. >> where do i get them?

>> all right. so some people saying this sort of deal might have ruined the best chance to hold trump accountable for trying to end democracy. now, what would you say to all the haters out there who can't get laid? >> well, i don't know what the haters are thinking, but what i will say is under my leadership, we successfully secured a valid legal indictment, the charging document. >> all right, young black men need a role model, what's your advice to kids in the hood that's out there that want to grow up and potentially end democracy? that's lethal shit. because we are talking about -- [laughter] cut! ♪ ♪ >> i don't know that i have

advice for any young black men to have workplace romances. what i do have advice for young black men is simply this: you can do whatever you put your mind to. i am a black father, was a black husband, i took care of my family, took care of my children. my children are young adults now. black fathers are positive and i take pride in being a black man. >> [bleep], that's a t-shirt! i'm going to put that on a t-shirt. you seem like a free-spirited man, you know what i'm saying? how many diddy parties you went to? >> none. how many did you go to? >> i went to several but i left early. the saying about me. i want to thank you for sitting down with me and answering the real questions for people, all the hundreds or possibly

millions of kwan fans out there, it's been a pleasure, i appreciate you for real. he hit it, he hit it. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> desi: thank you, kwan! when we come back, rosalind chao will be joining us on the show! don't go away. [cheers and applause] [indistinct talking in the background] dean: yuuuup, computers have a funny way of vanishing 'round here. [brooding dramatic music] you look away... and (poof) they're gone. ♪ some say they were sold off for parts, stickers and all- [find my noise] student: found it! dean: found what?

[find my noise] student: it's a mac, i can use find my. dean: but can you find yourself? with so many choices on booking.com there are so many tina feys i could be. so i hired body doubles. indoorsy tina loves a deluxe suite. ooh! booking.com booking.yeah liberty mutual customized my car insurance and i saved hundreds. with all the money i saved i thought i'd buy stilts. hi honey. ahhh...ooh. look, no line at the hot dog stand. yes! only pay for what you need. ♪liberty, liberty, liberty, liberty.♪ every time you step up to the grill, you gotta deliver. and flavor is the last thing you have to worry about.

because no one flavors like we flavor. ( ♪♪ ) grill mates. flame and flavor. liberty mutual customized my car insurance and i saved hundreds. with all the money i saved i thought i'd buy stilts. hi honey. ahhh...ooh. look, no line at the hot dog stand. yes! only pay for what you need. ♪liberty, liberty, liberty, liberty.♪ every time you step up to the grill, you gotta deliver. and flavor is the last thing you have to worry about. because no one flavors like we flavor. ( ♪♪ ) grill mates. flame and flavor. ♪♪ when the sawdust settles and the engine finally roars the thing you care about most is a job well done. ♪♪ but when you get your tools from harbor freight something about the job feels a little different - your wallet. because we believe no matter what you're working on you need high quality tools at a great price.

and that's what we're all about. ♪♪ whatever you do, do it for less, at harbor freight. ♪♪ and squish, and squish... ok good. keep squishing! fingers relaxed... at harbor freight. and squish. great! thank you, good job! squish the rainbow, taste the rainbow

to help save for our home, we stopped going on trips and giving each other expensive gifts. we handmade them instead. that one took me three weeks. getting prequalified for a home loan was easier. it only took like 3 minutes. - it■s you. - it■s me. unique style, cutting-edge innovation, and thoughtful details, inspired by you. this is the all-electric rz. this is lexus, electrified. (♪♪) [cheers and applause] >> ronny: welcome back to "the daily show"! our guest on is an accomplished actor in film, television, and theater who currently stars in the hit netflix series "3 body problem." please welcome rosalind chao!

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ thanks for coming on the show! >> thank you for having! >> ronny: been trying to get you on the show forever. >> desi: we are so excited to have you on. i don't know if you know this but ronny is only interested in having asian guests on and i'm only interested in having women of show so you are the only guest we could agree on. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: yeah, bigotry! i've been watching you forever. i saw her in the 11, love that movie. what a classic american movie! the only movie i can watch with my mom. >> really? >> ronny: and we both enjoy it just as much. when i moved to america i reach

out to you on instagram, like big fan of yours enjoy luck club and then you came back and you called me and you said why don't you have an american accent. >> i didn't say it that way. we to you did. you said ronny, your accent -- okay, you tell me. you called me just to yell at me about my accent. >> no, no. because you asked me about this -- the accent coach i used on "3 body problem." you never called them and you wanted a freebie! he wanted it free from me! and so he would record himself saying "i hate myself. i hate myself" over and over over text, all different versions, southern accent. >> ronny: not just that. i also said "make america great again." [laughter and applause] >> i forgot! we do so grade my american accent. i hate myself. i hate myself. >> you are back to that version,

it's very feminine. >> ronny: so coach me ask my coaching! >> i hate myself. >> ronny: i hate myself. >> i hate myself. >> ronny: i hate myself. >> the l. >> ronny: i hate myself. i hate myself. >> better! there you go! me to thank you. [applause] i'm just making him feel good. >> ronny: let's talk about your [bleep] project. of what are you trying to promote now? just go. >> "3 body problem." >> desi: on netflix. which ronny has done -- >> you love it! i watched you watching the clip and you had a big grin. >> ronny: i love it. >> desi: it is so good. it does feel like are we potentially getting a glimpse into our extremely dark apocalyptic future to but at the

end of the day underneath it all it feels like it's really about humanity and what human beings do in times of crisis. >> exactly. why couldn't you have said that? but that's exactly true. and there's a love story intertwined, there's a mother-daughter relationship that if i start to talk about it right now i might get a little little -- there is so much drama, so many surprises in there that if you had watched you would know about. >> ronny: before we go i really want to say before we run out of time, i also want to mention that people don't know but was in a spider-man movie. yeah. it's amazing. [applause] >> he brings up all my best stuff. >> ronny: let's see the clip! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

>> i am going to kill you! >> desi: first job ever, right? >> yes. and you know what? he's been asking to come on here but i've been scared just because of that. >> desi: rightfully so. >> ronny: should have been scared of you this whole time. >> desi: i'm sure you deeply regret coming on. i so appreciate you being here. >> thank you for having me. >> desi: you can see rosalind in "3 body problem" and "sweet tooth," both are streaming on netflix. rosalind chao, everybody! we are going to take a break but we will be right back after this! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

♪ i wanna rock n' roll all night ♪ ♪ and party everyday ♪ ♪ i wanna rock n' roll ♪ applebee's late night because half off is just more fun. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. why would i use kayak to compare now that's eatin' good hundreds of travel sites at once? i like to do things myself. i can't trust anything else to do the job right. kayak... aaaaaaaahhhh

kayak. search one and done. i love this place, but i need better credit. bad credit? you could just open a new card. but you kinda need... ugh. sfx: [phone buzz] wow, i could build my credit that fast? nice. everything you need to outsmart the system. intuit credit karma. people call it the biggest smalltown festival in minnesota. and we came up with the idea of creating a community s'mores table. the hershey company got wind of this and sent 40,000 candy bars. made my day a hundred times better. i love s'mores so much. ♪ when your child starts getting into everything, you may need a little help. so duracell created the only lithium coin batteries with a bitter coating to help discourage swallowing.

♪ [cheers and applause] >> ronny: that's our show for tonight! >> desi: now here it is, your moment of zen. >> 18 time champion boston celtics man john berman and the breaking news, we are popping to cnn news central candy champagne. better hope this doesn't explode. >> can you see this year? >> we can see this, everyone can see you. >> champs!

♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ ♪ headed on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ (♪ mumbling) ♪ so come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - dude, what's your little brother doing here? - ike is starting his first day of kindergarten. - but isn't he only three years old? - yeah, but he's some kind of genius so he's getting advanced placement in kindergarten. - i pooped my pants. - but dude, check out my new trapper keeper. it has five different compartments for each subject in school and it's all covered with pictures from "dawson's creek". - cool! - hey dudes, check out my sweet dawson's creek trapper keeper ultra-keeper futura 2000. yeah, well, it's got 10 different compartments for every subject in school, electronic pencil sharpener, four plastic bags with electronic zippers, copy machine, fax,

a better picture of dawson's creek on the back than kyle's. flat screen tv and of course, onstar. - wow, cool. godammit, cartman! you only got that because you knew my mom wouldn't buy it for me! - oh, but you have a trapper keep-- oh, you got the little "crapper keeper", didn't you? well, at least your stupid brother got a briefcase. - he's going to kindergarten because he's a genius. - he's not a genius, he's a little douche bag. - i pooped my pants! - he's smarter than you, fat boy! i don't even know how you made it to the fourth grade after all the-- - trapper keeper, i need to drown out my annoying friend, please initiate music: country, high volume. [twangy country music] - nobody gives a crap about your trapper keeper, cartman! - ms. crabtree! there's another creepy homeless guy on the bus. - sit down and shut up! - but they smell like pee! - i am not a homeless person. i am a new fourth-grade student. - you are? - yes, my name is bill, bill cosby. - aren't you a little old to be in grade school? - i was held back 10 hu-man grades-- unh-- i mean, grades. do you companion friends know eric cartman? - yeah, that's me. - eric cartman?

and you have a dawson's creek trapper keeper futura s-2000? - yeah, you already know about it? - yes, yes, i do. - well, "nobody gives a crap about your trapper keeper, cartman." - i'm gonna shove that thing up your ass! - dude, do you really care if cartman has something that's better than yours? - no, i don't! i don't care! - ooh, kyle. - hey, there he is. that's the kid that's supposed to be some kind of genius. - yeah, he's only three and he's already in kindergarten. - come on. so, you think you're smarter than the rest of us? you think you know more about the world just because you're only three and we're five? - i'm go ba-ba. - okay, children, let's take our seats. my name is mr. garrison, and i'm the new kindergarten teacher. i used to be the third-grade teacher, but i had a little "nervous breakdown" and went into the mountains where i lived off of "rat carcasses".