in' anymore! what's the use? i'm comin' to see ya, gary! i'm comin' to see ya! - no! don't! - [pistol fires] - [police siren wails] - oprah's going to be okay. wish i could say the same for her vagina and asshole. - that's a great idea you had to sneak the hostages inside the bank. - yeah, it sure was. - we're sorry we tried to burn you and murder you before. - oh, that's okay. this whole thing was my fault. i learned that i shouldn't get high to come up with ideas. i should come up with ideas and then get high, to reward myself. you said it. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, michael kosta! [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ >> michael: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm michael kosta. we've got so much to talk about tonight. we're just days away from the first presidential debate that will change everything or nothing. so let's get right into our continuing coverage of "indecision 2024." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] if you've been tuning out the presidential campaign so far, i get it, it's boring. my grandpa is also a rambling 80-year-old man, and let me tell you, i keep half an ear open for the word "inheritance" and just ignore everything else. but the presidential campaign will not be boring for long. because this week, trump and biden will be rambling face to face! that's right. thursday is the first presidential debate and

these men are going toe to toe. and if you've met or seen old men's toes, you know that's going to be a dirty fight. finally, the american people will have something to judge these candidates on, aside from the four years they were both president already. and joe biden, for one, is ready for battle. >> the president this morning continues to be hunkered down at camp david. he is fine-tuning his messaging, honing his attack lines. he's huddling there with over a dozen advisers and over the coming days, his prep is expected to evolve from gaming out questions and answers to holding 90-minute mock debates. >> mr. president, how is debate prep going? [laughter] >> michael: yeah, that's the most dubious thumbs up i've ever seen. that's the football player as he's being carted off the field. "he's going to be okay, folks, his thumb is working!" but that's right, joe biden is holing up at camp david and doing 90-minute mock debates,

although most of it is just him walking up to the podium. and if you're wondering who could possibly prepare him for debating donald trump, joe biden has just the guy. >> attorney bob bauer will be standing in for trump during mock debate sessions, yelling insults at biden and trying to get under his skin. >> you are playing a role, you're trying to make the experience as realistic for the person you are working with as possible. >> michael: really? the guy who plays santa claus at the bad mall, this is your trump? i don't know if he can replicate the unhinged madness of debating donald trump. the only biden staffer who could pull that off is that dog that keeps biting everyone in the face. but regardless of how he prepares, there is one thing biden can be sure of: where exactly he's going to be on stage. >> we're getting more details today about the high-stakes debate stage will look. biden won the coin toss and chose to stand on the right side of the stage.

why the right? there is actually a scientific reason. when there are two people on stage, tv viewers' eyes are drawn to the right side. >> michael: wow, thank you, science. hey, any news on a cancer cure? no? maybe whenever you're done debating left or right, possibly? and hey, it may usually be true that viewers eyes are drawn to the right. but in this case, they'll be even more drawn to the neon man ranting about how toilets don't flush anymore thanks to transgender swimmers. but i do like this coin toss thing. why stop with debate side? let's have the coin determine who wins the election! it would be so much less stressful than five months of campaigning. just flip the coin! heads, it's trump. if the coin bounces and rolls into the sewer, it's rfk jr. anyway, that's what joe biden is up to. but preparing for a debate is

not the only way to... prepare for a debate. because joe biden's opponent is taking a different approach. >> almost everything that president biden is doing, donald trump is not. there are no mock debates. there are no rehearsed punchlines or pivot points. the former president also didn't take any time away from the campaign trail. >> tell me a little bit about how you're preparing for the debate, right? because we see that president biden is out at camp david. you're on the campaign trail. what's your strategy for the debate? >> well, this is really the best strategy right here. we have all these people screaming questions. >> michael: okay, first of all, no one's screaming questions. you're elevated on a platform, talking the whole time. how convenient that trump's debate prep is holding rallies, the thing he wants to do anyway! it's like when finals were coming up, and you had that one friend who would say, "i retain information better when i'm high!" just to be clear, that was my friend, that wasn't me.

okay? of course, when you don't prepare for a debate, you run the risk of losing the debate. so it helps to lower expectations a little bit. >> trump appears to be lowering expectations and making excuses ahead of the upcoming presidential debate with president biden. >> so i'm not underestimating him. i'm not underestimating him. i assume he's going to be somebody that's going to be a worthy debater. >> maybe i'm better off losing the debate. i'll lose the debate on purpose, maybe i'll do something like that. [laughter] >> michael: all right, don't lower expectations that far. "maybe i'll lose the debate! maybe i'll shit my pants and run off stage crying about how much shit is actually in my pants. that's how you'll know i've won!" but this brings up an interesting quandary for the trump campaign. right now, trump is saying biden is a worthy debater. but for the past three and a half years, he's been saying biden is a demented moron with the brain power of a "love island" contestant. so how are republicans going to

explain it if a guy who they say has jello-for-brains really does beat trump? well, don't worry. they have a plan. >> the trump campaign and the trump allies, they keep floating this conspiracy that biden is going to be amped up on drugs. >> they're going to need to goose him and juice him. >> a lot of red bull, a lot of caffeine pills. >> he's on adderall or he's on ritalin. >> excedrin that has caffeine in it. >> hopped up on b12. >> iv fluids. >> monster energy drink. >> or something. >> or something. >> whatever happened to all that cocaine that was missing a month ago from the white house? what ever happened? >> michael: look, we all know what happened. that dog snorted it before it bit someone's face off! seriously, is conservative media now just wildly speculating that the president is on drugs? "could be cocaine. could be adderall. maybe both." at this point, fox news is basically my friends' group chat about justin timberlake. so yes, the republican talking

point is that if biden does well, it's because he's taking performance enhancing drugs. which is just such a stupid conspiracy theory. because first off, if biden's body could handle even half of what they're saying, he's the strongest man alive. he'll win the presidency and the kentucky derby. trump isn't really want to talk. because in the same speech that he claimed biden was mentally incapacitated, he was going around saying things like this. >> and my stupid people, when i wanted to refute it, they said, "sir, don't dignify it with a "refuttal." "refutal" or "refuttal"? what the hell word would that be? "refuttal." they'll say he didn't know "refuttal" or "refutal," but they don't know either. >> michael: it's neither! it's neither those words! what do you mean, "they don't know?" no, i don't know what fake word you are trying to say! this dude's entire brain is just

squiggly red spell check lines. then his mouth always tries to "refuttal" every thought he has. that's the big difference between biden and trump. when they make a mistake, biden will correct himself, whereas trump will deflect and call everyone else an idiot. which, to be honest, is more relatable. it's like when i get too drunk and then i accuse everyone else of being drunk, instead of just focusing on the road. thank you for laughing. so on one hand, biden's taking the whole week to prepare, and on the other, trump's raw doggin' it. two very different approaches, but which one's right? for more on the debate over whether to prepare for a debate or just to wing it, let's go to desi lydic and troy iwata. [cheers and applause] desi, you're for "preparation." why is that better? >> thank you, michael.

preparation is the better approach because it gives you the tools you need to lay out your position, project confidence, and do this thing with your thumb. because, as thomas edison said, "genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration." thank you. >> michael: very wise. [applause] troy, why are you pro-winging it? >> um, because i'm not a dork? while desi was in the nerd zone, i was eating a double cheeseburger in a pool, staring at a cloud that looked like a double cheeseburger. and what did all that studying do for her? i can also quote thomas edison, "if you build it, he will come." >> he did not say that. that's from "field of dreams." >> michael: i did like that movie. i'm going to give a point to troy. desi, try again. >> okay, preparation gives you the best chance of crafting your

answer. all right? and i will prove it. if i were prepping joe biden to answer a debate question on inflation, here's what i'd do: i'd arm him with a 6-point economic plan that addresses rising costs, job creation, affordable housing, tuition costs, abortion rights, and always, always landing on a charming story about a factory worker named jack. >> yeah, this is what i'm talking about. "blah, blah, blah." do you really want the queen of library-town talking about a plan, or do you want someone like me who just says, "don't worry, i got this?" >> michael: yeah. see, desi, it seems like he's got this. point to troy. you know? >> that is not a point for troy! what he's saying is empty. someone who prepares for a debate is someone who prepares for everything. and that's what you want in a president. >> look at this cat that i drew. it has swords for arms. isn't this cool? >> michael: whoa!

dude! that is [bleep] awesome! another point for troy. desi, you are not selling me on preparation right now. >> okay, fine. you know what, i'm nimble. i can see that being unprepared is winning this debate. so let me tell you this: in my preparation for being prepared, i also prepared a scenario where i am unprepared! huh? okay! look at me. i don't really care about this debate. easy, breezy, lemon squeezy. >> michael: okay, let me just stop you there. that was so bad, i'm going to give another point to troy. >> seriously? look, yes, policy is boring, preparation is nerdy, but this country needs people that are prepared to run it. a debate isn't some bravo reunion. it's where candidates outline their policies and platforms, their belief systems. so yes, running the country is the one test you have to study for. [cheers and applause]

>> counterpoint. i'm on the right side of the tv screen. >> michael: you know what, troy wins. desi lydic and troy iwata, everybody. [cheers and applause] when we come back, we learn all about jeff bezos. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] [dramatic music] whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. you don't want to do this. oh, i promise you. i do. [metal squeaks] what have you done? don't get mad. i borrowed some adamantium from your claws,

and i made us something special. [song: "just the two of us"] [song: "just the two of us"] yeah! (♪♪) you- heineken® silver. all the taste, no bitter endings. see? isn't this better than fighting? nope. my schedule is pretty jammed packed these days. i've got 2... wait, no, 3 birthday parties on saturday. and sunday, that's my me time. how's that look? works for me. works for me. with so many choices on booking.com there are so many tina feys i could be. so i hired body doubles. mountain climbing tina at a cabin. or tree climbing tina at a beach resort. nice! booking.com booking.yeah.

[cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." next week will be exactly 30 years since jeff bezos founded amazon, forever changing the way we try to desperately fill the empty hole in our lives while destroying local businesses and the earth. but who is the real man behind the internet mogul? let's find out in a brand new "daily show-ography." ♪ ♪ >> america has always been home to titans of industry, but only one capitalist in history has ever been this much of a dork. >> i am jeff bezos. i am the founder of amazon.com. >> this is the "daily show-ography" of jeff bezos, history's most powerful nerd. ♪ ♪ born to teenage parents in albuquerque, new mexico, jeff's

identity asserted itself early. >> i was a very nerdy and good student. i liked school. >> his favorite place in the world was radioshack, where he developed an appreciation for technology, cheap garbage from china, and underpaying workers. after graduating from high school as valedictorian, jeff attended princeton, one of the best colleges for nerds. >> socially, i was a little awkward. i didn't really date much until my last year of college. actually, i started a formal plan to date. i had all my friends set me up on blind dates. none of them worked out very well. >> yes. despite many positive reviews from his friends, women found the actual product wasn't what they had been led to believe. ♪ ♪ after college, bezos joined a wall street hedge fund. on wall street, bezos also found something almost as good as money. his future ex-wife, mackenzie stopped. she would later tell the world magazine, it was just the wow

jeff's laugh that made her fall in love with him. sometimes love is blind and d deaf. it was around this time that jeff noticed that the world was changing. >> a startling statistic that web usage was growing 2300% per year so i decided i would try to fight to the business plan that made sense in the context of that growth. and i picked books is the first, best product to sell online. >> with a quarter million dollar investment from his parents, a garage to work for them, and mc hammer khakis, bezos launched his empire. within a few years, amazon went from online booksellers to wall street darling to the so-called everything store. third-party vendors could sell literally anything on amazon's website, from stuff to put in your butt for stuff you shouldn't put in your butt but will anyway because you are not a coward. amazon was taking the world by storm. and while bezos was still literally the nerdiest person in

the world. >> my watch updates itself from the atomic clock 36 times a day if that gives you any indication. >> he was driving amazon into the future. a future of nonstop growth. how did jeff bezos transform itself into a life-size oscar statue? by using his big, dirty brain to devise a perfect growth plan to expand his business, and his body. since starting amazon, bezos has amassed a net worth of $200 billion. money that he has used to make the world a better place. sure, he spent some of it on a super yacht that has its own yacht and the world's fastest jet and a shit ton of mansions and exotic food from a prehistoric bare skeleton, gigantic clock that only takes once a year, but he also gave back. >> jeff bezos page zero federal income taxes for two years. >> maybe not to his country but he has given nearly 1.5% of his net worth to charity. and while he didn't share much

of his wealth with amazon workers, he definitely helped them to boldly go where no one has gone before. >> amazon workers have to pee into bottles because of amazon's astringent quotas keep them too busy to go to the bathroom. >> you know what they say. teach a man to fish, he eats for a day. teach a man to pissed and a bottle while he eats his fish, he only has to take a two minute lunch break. jeff's plan was working perfectly. but there was only one thing his plan didn't take into account. that office success would go to his head. >> the "national enquirer" obtained nude photos of amazon ceo jeff bezos. the pictures and received text messages from bezos to his girlfriend, lauren sanchez, led to the end of his marriage. >> with one stupid mistake, jeff lost a thing that was most important to him and all the world. $38 billion. jeff had hit rock bottom. he had literally showed the world his dick.

but soon, he would bounce back, by showing the world his bigger, shinier, rocket powered dick, and writing into the cosmos. >> tonight, mission accomplished. jeff bezos launches into space in the first unpatented, fully civilian flight. >> yes, bezos accomplished his boyhood dream and same day shipped himself into the stars. bezos had finally done it. he finally made space travel seem uncool. >> i also want to thank every amazon employee and every amazon customer, because you guys paid for all of this. >> and now the world knows the real jeff bezos. as well as jeff bezos knows himself. >> i always work really hard. i was nerdy. >> you were nerdy. >> i was nerdy. that hasn't changed. [laughs] [applause] >> michael: when we come back, paul w. downs from the hit show "hacks" will be joining me. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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all but that's okay because sometimes, the most innovative visionaries struggle with executive functioning. you are not an assistant. you are a manager and a great one. so please, stay here with me, and be my partner. >> oh, my god, i am so sorry, i thought you were a man. they're gay! >> what? i am a man. >> but you said "partner?" >> leave us alone! >> michael: please welcome paul w. downs! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ hello, welcome. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] holy moly! >> wow. >> michael: congrats on the success of "hacks." >> thank you so much. >> michael: we laugh, i laugh so hard at the show. >> that is the goal. >> michael: so much of this season, so much of the season is about acquiring or attempting to get a late night show. >> yes. >> michael: how have you created a show about show

business that my friends in michigan like also? >> wow. >> michael: and they are idiots. >> i love them. you know, i think because it is a show about people who have been kind of cast aside by the industry, i think it is relatable because you know what it's like, or a lot of people know what it's like to be on the outside of something and want to break into it. this woman, deborah vance played brilliantly by jean smart, is this vegas stand up and kind of had to carve out her own path outside of show business, so i think because of that, people who want to do creative work or people who want to do something and have a craving for something, really understand that. >> michael: "hacks." that term in stand-up comedy, it's an insult. >> it is. >> michael: it means you are telling old jokes, you are not being creative. >> right. how do you know? >> michael: exactly. [laughs] honestly -- [cheers and applause] edit that. >> michael: i know, because i am fearful of it. >> yes. >> michael: the worst thing

you can be called is a thief. the second worst thing you can be called is a hack. >> yes. >> michael: so how did this term and the title happen? and sometimes i wonder if it is accurate for the show. am i right to question that? >> um, no. >> michael: [laughs] >> absolutely not. it is interesting because we kind of called it that in the beginning, and it was sort of like a temporary title but it is, like, this thing of -- you see people on late night actually. it a lot of times, comedians, i find, i think we can all agree, sometimes go on late night and they still kill and they are so funny because they are in touch with what is going on in culture. and there are some people that age out and some people that are on and you are like, why is this person still doing it? or why are they still telling the same jokes? in the beginning of the show, this young writer interviews for this job with this older stand up, and says, i would never want to work for a hack. but what she learns in the course of the show is that a hack is someone who does the same thing over and over again, but our character learns and

grows because of her relationship with this younger person and vice versa. the younger person is an entitled gen z person that learns the value of hard work and gets up earlier, you know, there's a lot of things that she gets back from deborah. >> michael: one of the things i like about deborah's comedy is that it isn't always important. it isn't always changing the world. and i want to know what your thoughts are on, is comedy important? is it meant to be? does it need to be? can we just do a joke where we do fart noises in our armpits? >> my favorite joke. >> michael: my favorite joe. >> i think comedy is important even if it is not satire and it is not political comedy. i think it is important because that thing of getting together with people and laughing does bring people closer together. i know it sounds so woo-woo, but it's true. don't you guys feel connected? >> michael: yeah! [cheers and applause] yeah, it is fun.

thank you for coming. "hacks" is awesome. i love watching it. everyone should watch it. "hacks" is available to stream on max. paul w. downs, everybody. we are going to take a quick break. we'll be right back after this. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] with boneless wings this good, it makes no sense to still be a boneless denier. popeyes new boneless wings are tender, juicy, and made with all white meat. oh, you'll believe. we don't make sense. we make chicken. ♪ love that chicken from popeyes. ♪

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[cheers and applause] >> michael: that's our show for tonight. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> you got to get out of it -- just this time. i don't care, and four years, you don't have to vote, okay? in four years, don't vote, i don't care by that time. we will have it all straightened out so it will be much different. tral ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ ♪ headed on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ ( mumbling ) ♪ ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪

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