i agree. audience: aww! [smooch] - come on, we'll get you separated, little boy. guess you won't be eating japanese food for a while, huh? [chuckles] - hey! hey, what is this, some kind of sick prank? i get the greatest thing ever just to have it taken away? why did you do this to me, god? next time you're gonna get my hopes up, could you please take me to a grease monkey? 'cause i like to get lubed up before i get [bleep]! huh? some lube would be nice! or at least a courtesy lick, god! how about a little courtesy lick next time you decide to [bleep] me? [sobbing] ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... and actually live special report!

"the daily show" presents "indecision 2024": the first presidential debate. america watches through its fingers. with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! my name is jon stewart. thank you so much for joining us. we are coming to you live! [cheers and applause] you may sit. we just watched -- what we watched -- we just witnessed a debate between president joseph robinette biden versus former president

donald robinette trump. it was a highly anticipated affair, according to the network that was running it. >> the first biden-trump debate, a little over one month away right here on cnn. >> we are less than two weeks away from the first presidential debate. >> just one week from today. >> welcome to the first workday of the most important week of the presidential campaign. >> three days and counting. >> just two days now. >> about 30 hours, 30-ish hours. >> just over 24 hours. >> twelve and a half hours >> say the words! >> it's debate day in america! >> jon: the candidates must have been so excited to know they haven't missed it! i imagine old man biden opening his window and shouting at the street below, "you there, boy! what day is today?" "why, it's debate day, sir!" "then there's still time! prepare the debate goose!" prior to the event, what did the

political class believe was the criteria for each candidate to be successful? first, donald trump. >> trump has to show that he's not going to end democracy. >> don't respond in a way that the suburban mothers wouldn't like. >> don't interrupt joe biden. >> don't take the bait. >> don't look like a bully. >> don't get angry. >> portray normalness. >> jon: "can't you just pretend to be normal for 90 minutes?" how is this advice for a presidential debate and not what you would say to your parents when you bring a date home for the first time? "can you not talk about january 6 and please don't do your asian voice? i really like this girl!" but that's trump. surely, the expectations on the president biden will be higher. >> he absolutely cannot have a senior moment. >> a physical or verbal stumble. him forgetting something. >> any of his kind of freezing moments. >> stay alert, to stay engaged,

and to stay awake. >> president biden has to show that he can stand there for an extended period of time. >> remain upright. [laughter] >> jon: remain upright? to be president? i may be mistaken, but i believe those are the same qualifications needed to be scarecrow! "tonight, the president must show the country that he can keep our corn safe." but then, it was time for the actual debate. and let's see how it began: both men came out and yes, okay,

then of course -- both men are ambulatory. they are both upright. level one cleared. this is an important discussion between two important men. what are the rules? >> we want to share the rules of the debate with the audience at home. each candidate will have two minutes to answer a question, and one minute each for responses and rebuttals. >> jon: what can you do in two minutes? i can't even articulate what's wrong with your entire set up to this debate! an ad-break to watch a hulu show is three minutes! what can you do in 2 minutes? but okay, that's going to winnow out what may be interesting substance. but let's begin! we know the bar that's been set up for each to pass. biden has to not look old and not have a senior moment. go. >> making sure that we're able to make every single solitary person eligible for what i've been able to deal with. with the covid, excuse me, with dealing with everything we have

to do with -- look, if we finally beat medicare -- >> thank you, president biden. >> jon: i need to call a real estate agent in new zealand. okay, high pressure situation. a lot of times you confuse saving medicare with... beating it. i'm sure it's not something that repeated throughout the debate, causing democrats across the country to either jump out of windows or vomit silently into the nearest recycling bin. anybody can [bleep] up talking! how did biden do not talking? >> how close the police are to him. almost every police group in the

nation from every state and everybody wanted to get it back to the states, everybody. and china, nothing and russia nothing, and india nothing. i will have that reporter out. he should have had him out a long time ago. because i didn't have legislation. i said close the border. we had the safest border in history. >> jon: not great. but a lot of people have resting 25th amendment face. [laughter] i'm not a political expert, but while biden was preparing at camp david for a week, did anyone mention he would also be on camera?

on the split screen? is there any moment here that can save biden? >> this is the first presidential election since the supreme court overturned roe v. wade. >> jon: oh, shit! we're back, baby! abortion! aid to the b to the o to the -- the repeal of roe v. wade, that's trump's weakest issue! >> it's been a great thing. >> jon: oh, he is [bleep]! he is [bleep]! "it's a great thing!" hit 'em, joey! >> it's been a terrible thing, what you've done. >> jon: it's a terrible -- this is awesome! we are done here. tko. no, no, joe don't say anything! joey! >> the idea that states are able to do this is a little like saying, we're going to turn civil rights back to the states, let each state have a different rule. look, there are so many young

women who have been, including a young woman who just was murdered and he went to the funeral. and the idea that she was murdered by an immigrant coming in, they talk about that. >> jon: did you just immigration abortion? "i know abortion is one of our strongest issues, but let me, for a moment, talk about immigrants killing and rating rating people. it's one of our weakest. folks, i think sportsmanship would insist that an opponent not seize on the opportunity such as this. >> there have been many young women murdered by the same people he allows to come across our border.

>> jon: "so how do we do this, white house tonight? we done with this shit? dubai ups his stuff? that was [bleep] crazy what he did. so biden, perhaps not on top of his game. maybe i will check out this young upstart donald trump. obviously we have a binary choice, so let me see what this trump fella is about. as we learned earlier, he just had to come in there and not be an asshole. >> he doesn't care about our veterans. he doesn't care. it is unlike the military at all. probably the worst administration in the history. the worst presidency in the history of our country. this shouldn't be a debate. he is the worst president. i really don't know what he said at the end of the sentence. he challenges me to a golf match. he can't even hit the ball 50 yards. >> jon: does not appear to have passed the asshole test. see me after debate.

all right, trump. what do you got on substance? >> we have the greatest economy in the history of our country. a lot of credit for the military, no wars, and so many other things. everything was rocking good. but the thing we never got the credit for and we should have is getting out of the covid mess. he allowed millions of people to come in here from prisons, jails, and mental institutions. the only jobs he created are for illegal immigrants. we had the lowest taxes ever. i didn't have sex with a porn star. [cheers and applause] >> jon: she was a porn character actor at best! i'm not saying she couldn't open a movie but." just so we are all clear, everything that donald trump said in that clip is a lie.

blatant and full, and we were tight on time putting this all [bleep] together. there is plenty more. it really makes you wonder, what is rfk jr. doing tonight? maybe he's got something -- what is that? i'm sorry. oh, vaccines? no, i see. that's -- i am sure, there are side effects to all of them, okay. and a worm where? okay, fair enough. vice president running mate donated how much? anyway. there was, of course, a moment where i kind of thought we were getting substantial. >> i was recently in france for d-day and i spoke to all all about the heroes that died. i went to the world war ii -- world war i ceremony he refused to go to. he was standing with the four-star general and he said i don't want to go in there because they are a bunch of losers and suckers. my son was not a loser.

you are the sucker. you are the loser. [cheers and applause] >> jon: shit just got real. >> i thought it was a made-up quote. >> jon: a made-up quote, which i think in trump land means that is a real quote. but this is about our nation 'and veterans, foreign policy. this is important to biden. come on, brother. >> four-star general standing by your side was on your staff who said you said it, period. we have done more for veterans than any president has done in american history. the only sacred obligation we have is a country is to care for our veterans when they come home and their families and equip them when they go to war. that is what we are doing. that is what the v.a. is doing now. we are doing more for veterans in every president in history. >> thank you so much. >> let's move to the topic of foreign policy. >> jon: move on? no!

no! don't move on! who came up with these rules and why would any of these people agree to them? the one thing that we did prove tonight is that the maga conspiracy theory about biden's upcoming debate performance was nonsense. >> a little before debate time, he gets a shot in the ass. >> they are giving the president some sort of a stimulant, a.d.d. drug, adderall, ritalin. >> new drugs that are out there are specifically for alzheimer's or parkinson's. >> a lot of caffeine pills. >> debate viagra. >> certainly, there are drugs that can be used to energize a person in that state. >> jon: "i apologize... for how fast i am talking now. i am on those drugs...

let me just say, after watching tonight's debate, both of these men should be using performance-enhancing drugs. [cheers and applause] both. as much of it as they can get, as many times a day as their bodies will allow. if performance-enhancing drugs will improve their lucidity, their ability to solve problems, and in one of the candidates cases, improve their truthfulness, morality, and malignant narcissism, then depository away! guess what, everybody! they should be taking whatever magical drug can kick their brains into gear because this ain't olympic swimming. you know what i'm saying? oh, "he is off the middle east

but he was doping so it doesn't count." there is going to be an asterisk next to his presidency." and by the way, if those drugs don't exist, if there aren't actually performance-enhancing drugs for these candidates, i could sure [bleep] use some recreational ones right now! because this cannot be real life! it just can't! [bleep]! we are america! god! [cheers and applause] when we come back, lori gottlieb will be joining us. don't go away. don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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you will be the first transport everything you need into agents with powers beyond those of mortal man. or, you just might explode, we don't really know. i give you... the mega minions. [ speaking minionese ] [ laughter ] good luck with that. [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show."

now now. my guest tonight, an incredibly prescient booking by our talented people, is a psychotherapist. hmm, fancy that. bestselling author of "maybe you should talk to someone," and "dear therapist" columnist for "the atlantic." please welcome to the program lori gottlieb! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ please, have a seat. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ doctor, you are probably wondering why i have called you here tonight. >> yes, my therapist clearly turned off his phone. [laughs] >> jon: i am sure. are you expecting as a therapist on occasions like this, they always say, the super bowl, people get so angry and they are rooting for their teams and there is a huge uptick in arguments and violence in all kinds of other things.

do you expect something similar for an event like this? >> well, i think that a lot of people are going to be having arguments. i don't know that it's going to be domestic violence. but i think there is definitely going to be a lot of arguments happening with friends, family, workplaces, all of it. >> jon: and you think because this is a time when the country is really focused on this and there is really no way to escape it, and so whatever schisms are there are going to be exacerbated? >> i think they are. also because we are so polarized. i think people don't know how to have conversations about the issues. it doesn't even become about the issues anymore as we just saw. >> jon: we were as i load, is of the nation keeping us from having to have those conversations? because he you don't really run into those people that you disagree with too much except on thanksgiving? >> [laughs] >> i think you run into them on social media. and i think that is where a lot of this is happening and then people get very upset by what they are seeing on social media.

i can understand when we look at the rates of anxiety and depression. we say in therapy, before diagnosing someone with depression, make sure they aren't surrounded by assholes. [laughs] are not going to name who those assholes are. >> jon: is that really a thing? >> it is a thing. >> jon: wow. >> i understand. >> jon: look at who drove you hear. >> look at who sent you here. because often the people who come to therapy are the people who are coming to therapy because the people who should be in therapy are not coming to therapy. >> jon: that just blew my mind. >> [laughs] >> jon: so this is -- people are coming because they feel they don't have an outlet for their frustrations and the only outlet they might have become a social media, is toxic. >> welcome i think what you see on social media is a lot of this sort of name-calling and again, there is not a lot of new ones, not a lot of complexity. it is a lot of people -- it was like that golf exchange on the debate. [laughs] those kinds of things where people are talking about completely irrelevant things or

they are just uninformed. i think that people -- >> jon: uninformed and irrelevant, a presidential debate. >> [laughs] >> jon: how do you deal with -- there is an existential fear to this. i mean, for social media to keep people engaged, for news organizations to keep people watching, they have to ramp up the urgency and the existential nature of the crisis. so you are sort of torn between these two impulses. one is to not participate, which would be advocating civic responsibility, but the other would be to bathe yourself in this existential crisis. what choice do you have? >> we do have a choice. look at anxiety. there is productive anxiety and unproductive anxiety. >> jon: what? >> well, think about it. if you didn't have anxiety, you wouldn't be able to be safe. that is why we have anxiety.

there is a bear, you better have anxiety. unproductive anxiety as i'm just going to stand here. productive anxiety is, i'm going to do something about this. >> jon: see, that is so we are because my anxiety has never saved me from bears but it often convinces me i am not lovable. >> [laughs] >> jon: so how -- i shared too much. [applause] >> i was just going to say -- >> jon: how do you separate this? i didn't want to watch the debate tonight but i do work once a week now so i have to because it is toxic to me. i know that. i have to participate. but how does that anxiety of watching it, how is that a relic of something that is good for me? >> it is good for you because then you can take action. by the way, i hope you are taking action on the unlovable thing. i hope you are getting action with them. >> jon: thanks for mushrooms, baby. micro does away. sorry. >> it is helpful because you say

there are two ways you can respond to this. you can say, i'm going to put my head in the sand and not engage, which is, i hope not the option that people here are taking. and you can also say, i am just spinning in anxiety, i am doomed scrolling, getting all worked up. >> jon: yes. >> that is not helpful. that is unproductive anxiety. then there is productive anxiety where you say, what can you do? you can get involved in a campaign, you can volunteer, you can please vote. you can get the people around you to vote. there are things you can do. the thing you want to do is you want to say, what can i control here? and that is where you take your anxiety and you say it is going to motivate me to do something productive. >> jon: does sitting in your underwear screaming at the tv account has action? >> [laughs] no. >> jon: doc, you are losing me here. have you seen an effect of this on relationships? all marriages come on families? is this separating people at a

much deeper, more emotional level than what we are understanding? >> yes, absolutely. you know, when i see couples in therapy, often with a command, that person -- you say, what is going on? and the person wants something to change. what they want to change as the other person, the person sitting there. >> jon: sure. >> they don't think i want to change myself or have a role in this. i see that and what happens around these political conversations is that people don't say, oh, maybe i am not being curious about why they think what they think or i'm not really getting to the bottom of it and i am just -- we're just yelling at each other. >> jon: are you seeing this in couples, and married couples, where politics has driven a wedge to them that they can't overcome? >> absolutely. >> jon: how do you traverse a political conversation with a couple? >> there is this great phrase in therapy saying, "i wonder." it starts with "i wonder." >> jon: i got it. >> it is kind of like, "i wonder

if instead of taking another drink, maybe you should take a walk when you're feeling sad." >> jon: unfortunately, it is a live show, we are out of time. i use that all the time. i wonder why you are such an asshole. >> [laughs] >> jon: check out lori's book, "maybe you should talk to someone," her column in "the atlantic," and her "dear therapists" podcast. "dear therapists" podcast. lori gottlieb!

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: hey, everybody, that is our show for tonight. here it is, your "moment of zen." >> joins us now from inside the debate hall. john, how is it working, what is it like? >> well, 24 hours from now, in a few minutes, anderson, you will have a president and a former president standing on the same stage. pretty close to each other. these lecterns are just 8 feet apart. i can basically touch them at the same ♪ ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪

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