n't know if there's truth to-- to that. what is it called when two men intertwine their penises, like the snakes on the medic alert bracelet? is it called red vining? is it called red vining? we heard it was called red vining. angela: people red vine. where are gay men's vaginas? they don't have vaginas. what? oh. they're just regular men. when two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis? wow. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: hello, everybody! welcome to "the daily show " my name is jon stewart! and we are back, baby! [cheers and applause] by the way, i want to start off very quickly and mention a very quick congratulations to england and france, who held their elections to great success. we would talk about them tonight, but we are in america. so... last week, we did a live show

after the debate, uh... where did we leave off? >> jon: this cannot be real life. it just can't. [bleep]! we're america! [cheers and applause] >> jon: ah, yes. anger and despair. by the way, for those of you at home, the scripts are printed on kevlar. it's not in any way weak fingers. [bleep]. now since the debate, it's been interesting. many democrats have expressed concern that the president has a hard time...

expressing thoughts. and then there is this other camp who thinks that those people should shut the [bleep] up. >> stop this whining, stop the complaining, stop trying to be the cool, cynical kids. >> i would not want to be in a foxhole with any of the people who were clutching their pearls, all of a sudden. >> pearl-clutching and handwringing. >> bedwetting and soaking all the way through the mattress. >> we panic and piss our pants. >> jon: first of all, i'm not sure incontinence is the metaphor you want to go with. and second of all, when will we free senator fetterman from the turkish prison he's being held in? [applause] that's -- i don't know. but to those who say these concerns are simple pearl-wetting and bed-clutching -- we all make mistakes!

i thought i would take a moment to explain where the concern about biden's performance might be coming from, and why these concerns may be seen as a more foundational issue. you see, even before the debate, there had been some troubling moments of disconnect from the president. you know, perhaps this chart could -- [cheers and applause] if i may. sorry, the pen caps are made of kevlar, very difficult. perhaps this chart will illuminate the point more clearly. for instance, in 2022, when biden gave a shout-out to representative jackie. >> representative jackie, are you here? where's jackie? i think -- she was going to be here. >> jon: unfortunately, jackie was dead.

it's something the president seemed to have known six weeks earlier when he released a condolence statement about her death. so... huh! then there was the recounting of a recent conversation that the president had had come up with counterpart, the president of france. >> mitterrand from germany -- i mean, from france, looked at me and said, said, you know, why -- how long you back for? >> jon: unfortunately, mitterrand is also dead. for longer even than that first lady! so...

huh! and even on teleprompter, things continued to... huh! like the reading of the instructions people sometimes add to the script. >> the percentage of women who registered to vote and cast a ballot is consistently higher than of the men who do do so, end of quote, repeat the line. >> at the catholic school i went to, was a guy named riley last name. >> four more years. pause. [crowd chants "four more years"] [laughter and applause] >> jon: huh! then, of course, to be fair, the state of the union, concern dropped a little bit at the state of the union, he kind of nailed it. but then the debate happened and

what the [bleep]? what? now, to my mind, this was a shocking display of cognitive difficulty, recognizable to unfortunately anybody who's dealt with aging parents and it's a hard watch. but there were many viewers who felt it was not as noteworthy as biden's opponent. >> it's pretty amazing that 90% of the conversation is around joe biden's style when up on that stage, donald trump was engaged in a level of pathological lying that we've never seen. >> shouldn't the discussions also be about trump's fitness to serve? >> every time he opened his mouth, he said something insane or that was a lie. why aren't there calls for trump to drop out? where are they? >> jon: yeah! why doesn't anyone ever speak out about donald trump?

or, let's say, every night for tens b years ! [cheers and applause] but you know what? i take your point. not me, but other people. fair point. and let's take a look at trump's chart. [cheers and applause] it's all bad! the whole thing is bad! it's been bad since he started! he started with "grab 'em by the pussy!" what are you going to do? the whole thing has been bad! the whole thing! [laughter and applause] the difference is this. i will tell you the difference. i will tell you the difference! the difference is, trump delivered at the debate to

expectation! we expected him to be [bleep] crazy! but biden's performance and inability to articulate at times was stunning. like i could not believe what i was watching. just thinking about it again just makes me want to rip up my script. why do we make this out of such strong material? but then it got worse. rather than respecting the american people and having an honest, at least, conversation about what we had all seen, we were told immediately, "these are not the droids you're looking for." >> he has a stutter. >> he hasn't debated in four years. >> he was almost overprepared. >> he had an off night. people have an off night. >> you know, the president traveled six time zones forward to g7. he was also doing -- continued to do his presidential duties. and also, he had a cold. he was jet lagged.

>> jon: he'd been home for almost two weeks! he was jet-lagged? how big is that [bleep] jet? the point is, for a campaign based on honesty and decency, the spin about the debate appears to be blatant bullshit. and the redemption tour hasn't gone that much better. whether it's been on the radio... >> i'm proud to be -- as i said, the first vice president -- first black woman, served with a black president. [laughter] >> jon: y--yaass, queen?

[cheers and applause] or whether the president is on prompter and fired up! >> let me say as clear as i can, i'm staying in the race! [cheers and applause] i will beat donald trump. i will beat him again in 2020. >> jon: i got to tell you, somehow, confusion with confidence is even more unsettling. or when the president sat down with george stephanapolous to prove once and for all how cogent he is and to film a bronzer ad. orange man good? none of this was reassuring! and we're told that the threat of trump is so great and the stakes are so high that even bringing up these absolutely legitimate concerns about the president's ability to do the most vigorous job in the world for the next four years is "enabling fascism," yet even the

president doesn't seem particularly alarmed! >> if you stay in and trump is elected, and everything you're warning about comes to pass, how will you feel in january? >> i'll feel as long as i gave it my all and i did the good as job as i know i can do, that's what this is about. >> jon: that is not what this is about! there are no participation trophies in "end-game democracy." yes, i remember fdr saying, "well, if the nazis take over europe, at least both teams had fun." [laughter and applause] and it's really troubling that, as this new information has been introduced, we just learned about that, and now we are being told, "well, you should have thought of that before you knew it!" >> we can't go against the will of the voters. democrats who voted in all 50 states in the primary, that is who they want to be their nominee. >> he is the nominee because millions and millions of people

voted for him to be our nominee. >> and he will be our nominee. end of story. >> jon: there was no real primary! biden ran against dean phillips. that's not even a real person! that's a stock photo on the packaging for a garden hose! that's not a person. ai. [applause] and let me say this, authoritarianism and donald trump aren't the only threats our democracy faces. an arthritic status quo, unable or unwilling to respond, in any way, to the concerns of voters who just received new and urgent information about their candidate, also erodes confidence and faith in the system of government! "get on board or shut the [bleep] up" is not a [bleep] up" is not a -- is not --

[cheers and applause] yeah! [cheers and applause] honestly, though, "get on board or shut the [bleep] up" is not a particularly compelling pro-democracy bumper sticker, nor is "what'ya gonna do?" >> i've gotten a lot of texts today from folks who watched a lot of "west wing" episodes and imagine a very complex path through which we might have a robust primary process, but wolf, you know the reality. there's four months left to the presidential election. >> jon: four months is for [bleep] ever. britain just held an election in two months! france had two in one month! defeated fascism and still had time to have an affair with denmark!

"are you telling me, are you coming to my house and saying to my face, that the united states of bruce springsteen's america can't hold an election better than the [bleep] french? is that what you are telling me?" it's four months! four months! it's 119 days! there are contestants on "the bachelor" who haven't even met yet that will get married and divorced between now and the election! we have nothing but time! [cheers and applause] by the way, i am in no way saying biden's got to out, but can't we stress test this candidacy? do you understand the opportunity here? do you understand how thirsty americans are for any hint of inspiration or leadership and release from this choice of a megalomaniac and a

suffocating gerontocracy? it is crushing our [bleep] spirits? do you have any idea what could be ahead of you? all we want is for someone to keep it 100 -- the percentage, not the age! that's all we want! here's an idea. i will spitball it. it's last-minute but why don't we try to get all the democrats in together, in, i don't know, six weeks' time. we could get everyone to fly into one some midwestern chicago, perhaps one adjacent to important swing states, let's call it chicago. and they can spend, let's say, four days there. nobody works fridays anymore. on monday, anybody who wants to gives their sales pitch about how they can make democracy more responsive to the people who they are supposed to serve. you can bang it out on tuesday. the winner will move onto the next round and then face biden. biden had a bye. wednesday's an off-day. bus tour to find the restaurant from "the bear." thursday, the party emerges

energized, unified, sanctified. you could televise the entire proceeding for 4 days! you call it, i don't know, "the apprentice." i'm just workshopping! so feel free to ignore any obvious weaknesses in your team's existential fight for freedom and democracy, and then just white-knuckle this thing 'til november. or take the advice of your candidate. >> do you think there is any democrat who would defeat donald trump other than you? >> probably 50 of them. [cheers and applause] >> jon: 50! i got to say, i like the cut of that fella's jib. >> 50 of them. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: when we come back, more on the election. stay tuned. [cheers and applause]

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during the summer of audi sales event at your local audi dealer. [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." now we've been talking about the big news from the debates, joe biden's recent campaign to stay in the campaign. and it turns out, biden's got a pretty high bar for dropping out. >> if you can be convinced that you cannot defeat donald trump, will you stand down? >> [laughs] it depends on -- on if the lord almighty comes down and tells me that, i might do that. >> jon: if the lord almighty comes down, he might do that. for more, we go to biden headquarters with desi lydic! desi! [cheers and applause] how are you? good to see you. desi, so obviously, this story

is dominating the news cycle. desi, what's the latest? >> well, jon, like a pressure cooker turned on, the pressure is on. biden told george stephanopoulos that unless the lord almighty himself comes down, he's not getting out of the race. and you'll never believe this, but i have a very special someone right here! [cheers and applause] >> jon: wow, it's -- oh, um, god, that's... oh, boy. >> it's me, jon! i am the lord thy god! creator of the universe, co-star of the sistine chapel! author of "the new york times" best seller: the bible. and i have a message for the president! as corinthians says, to everything there is a season, turn, turn --- >> jon: yes, desi and jordan! or, gandalf? or whoever you are?

i see what you guys are doing. >> what? >> no! >> it's god! >> jon: biden's never going to fall for this. >> have you seen him lately? there's a decent chance, jon. but fine, maybe biden's more of a new testament guy. son? >> jon: oh, jesus christ... [cheers and applause] this is unbelievable. >> yes, it is i, jesus christ, son of god, freelance carpenter, co-author of "the new york times" best seller: the bible! and i, too, am worried that this biden campaign cannot be resurrected. i would know... remember? >> jon: kosta, clearly, you're not jesus. so -- >> what, is it too classic looking? it wasn't woke enough? don't worry, we got that covered too.

[cheers and applause] >> it is i, black jesus! i'm like white jesus, except i drive my donkey like this. and i, too, have a message for joe biden. give me a beat! >> [beat boxing] >> ahh... >> jon: guys, forget it! no one is going to believe that either of you are jesus. so we are not doing this. >> wow, not believing in jesus. we get it, jon, you're jewish. [cheers and applause] >> couldn't handle the bars, jon? >> jon: no, that's not it. >> jon! jon, if i may! >> jon: yes, ronny chieng! ronny chieng! [cheers and applause] >> perhaps your western gods are

unable to provide the answers that biden needs. >> jon: so you are? >> buddha! i'm buddha! source of all instagram wisdom. "live, laugh, love." that was me. kind of. >> jon: i could be mistaken here, but isn't buddha traditionally... a little more naked, a little bigger? >> common misconception. that's laughing buddha. i'm ozempic buddha. i reached enlightenment and my weight goals. [cheers and applause] anyway, i agree with god and those buddy cop jesuses! if biden needs a message from the almighty, one of these gods has got to break through! >> did someone say god? [cheers and applause] i am thor, norse god of

lightning, son of oden! king of asgard. >> and i'm that raccoon who hangs out with thor sometimes. or maybe that's not... sorry, i watched it on a plane. whoever biden will listen to, that's me! >> jon: grace. and troy. if biden isn't going to listen to "the lethal weapon" jesuses, he's not going to listen to two marvel characters. doesn't thor have a giant hammer? >> oh, this isn't part of the costume. i'm just a lesbian. [cheers and applause] home depot had a sale. >> our point is simple, joe biden, sometimes you just have to let it go. things just run out of steam. take it from us, the marvel cinematic universe. >> jon: troy iwata and grace kuhlenschmidt, everyone. [cheers and applause] when we come back, a.j. jacobs will be joining me.

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applebee's mozzarella sticks are just 50 cents for a limited time. ♪you're so unbelievable♪ now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. switch to shopify and sell smarter at every stage of your business. take full control of your brand with your own custom store. scale faster with tools that let you manage every sale from every channel. and sell more with the best converting checkout on the planet. a lot more. take your business to the next stage when you switch to shopify. [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a journalist and author whose latest book is called "the year of living constitutionally: one man's humble quest to follow the constitution's original meaning."

please welcome to the program a.j. jacobs. sir! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ great to see you! >> thank you! >> jon: a.j., so how did "the year of living constitutionally," a humble quest to follow the constitution, how did this come about? why would you consider this? >> first of all, thank you, and good morrow, of course. >> jon: is a constitutional? >> of course. this came about because i wanted to know what is in the constitution, what did it actually say? i thought it was a timely question because as you know, our current supreme court thinks we should follow the original meeting -- >> jon: what? i haven't been watching the news. [laughter] >> i recommended. >> jon: what a terrible thing. >> so i thought, i will try to figure out what that was by

getting in the mind-set of our founding fathers. >> jon: now as he go back and you revisit sort of the mind-see you struck by how human -- we have deified them to a large extent. but when you learn about them, do you think, oh, a couple of these guys might be idiots? >> [laughs] well, yes, the constitution is amazing because part of it are so inspiring. the preamble, 52 of the greatest words ever written about the general welfare and the blessings of liberty. but then, there are -- it is a flawed document. there are actual misspellings in the constitution. the word "pennsylvania" is spelled two different way. penn and pen. i ran the constitution through grammarly and grammarly found 600 mistakes, it is not perfect. >> jon: with the grammarly mistakes, did you correct it or did you think, let's pass that

one? did you dismiss the grammarly questions? >> i couldn't go in and change it -- >> jon: the actual document spells "pennsylvania" two different ways. >> and the its should be the it's. so if ben franklin would have invented social media, they would have gotten a lot of flak for that. and they knew it was flawed. that is what is amazing. the founding fathers knew, this is a flawed document -- >> jon: with a be surprised at how we have deified them? >> i think so. i think many of them would be. >> jon: in their discussions, did you -- as you looked back and saw the discussions that they were having come on my understanding is, they never really thought that partisan politics would, you know, be the thing we are fighting over. they thought the branches of government would fight each other, that the executive would fight the judicial kimba wood by the legislative. i don't think they thought parties would try and weaponize each apartment against each

other. >> no, they did not see this rigid two party system coming. james madison knew there were going to be factions but he thought there would be lots of factions, like six or eight, more like a european parliament. and they would have been shocked by so much of what we have now, including the president, i bring that up because it is kind of timely. [laughter] >> jon: they were very understated in the 1700s. it is somewhat timely. >> well, with the idea of a single presidency came up in the convention, a lot of the delegates said, are you adjusting? it is a terrible idea. >> jon: they said, are you jesting? >> i am paraphrasing. >> jon: are you jesting? >> they said, we just bought a war to get another? one said, this is a fetus of modern or cree. we should have three presidents, 12 presidents. >> jon: almost like a court, the presidency, not a unitary

executive, not a single person. >> in the end, it was fought for weeks, and the end, the unitary executive won but i have to say, that fetus of monarchy comment, it is not a fetus anymore. it is like a teenager. we are -- >> jon: 200 some years later -- >> it took a while but it is here. >> jon: what do we mistake about them? now do you watch the arguments that you see about the founders' intent differently? does it make you a little crazier knowing what the actual arguments were? >> oh, absolutely. it was -- there mind-set was so different in so many ways. it was like a foreign country. and just to give you one example, their idea of rights were very different. rights were not trump cards -- sorry about that. but they -- >> jon: there were responsibilities with them. >> exactly. they should have had a bill of responsibilities in addition to a bill of rights but they just assumed that we were all going

to be part of and contribute to the betterment of our community. and you saw this all over, in the first amendment, the second amendment, and they would be shocked, they would be shocked by how focused we are on individual rights, which i love. i love them. but we need the balance. >> jon: right. we have, in some ways, exploited those conversations to just get what we want or do what we want. >> right, exactly. and they talk about virtue. they love that word. this is -- before it had a negative tent. >> jon: how many of them do you think banged porn stars? when they talk about virtue -- >> [laughs] i talked to many constitutional scholars and it never -- >> jon: [laughs] >> none of them have said that. >> jon: but what about the level of discourse? because i'm always struck by -- even in this situation that we face now with the debate and all

that, the gaslighting that occurs, the lack of trust in american's instinct or ability to take complex issues and hear about them honestly, but i imagine their conversations were very frank and very direct, but also sophisticated. >> absolutely. i think it was a genuine difference. i wrote this book, a lot of it, with a quill pen. i'm not saying everyone needs to go back to a quill pen. >> jon: you wrote the book with a quill pen? >> yeah, because i was trying to live the constitution. i had my musket, i carried it around new york. i wrote with a quil pen. [applause and laughter] [applause] [applause] >> jon: out of curiosity, do you consider yourself a method writer? >> that's exactly what it is. thank you. >> jon: so it is a quill pen. is there something about using the quill that is more deliberate that allows you to think differently? >> absolutely. i really think so. there were no dings and charms

from the internet. i could actually focus and maybe come up with some subtle thoughts and if the constitution were written on an iphone with emojis, that would not be good. >> jon: can you imagine, "all men are created equal, lol." [laughter] it would have been a nightmare. >> they love cold takes, not hot takes. they were all about, let's take a look at the pros and cons. one of my favorite founding fathers, ben franklin, said at the constitutional convention, he said, the older i get, the less certain i am of my own opinions. which i love, i mean, exactly. >> jon: they baked into the cake as far as, they really thought, amendments will be necessary, this has to be a document that can change with the consent of the governed. >> exactly. they knew it was imperfect. they said, let's figure out ways to change it, but as you say, they didn't see this rigid two party system. now, the last amendment we had

was 1992, and i mean, you had to get two-thirds of congress to agree. you can't get two-thirds of congress to agree on the color of a green pepper. you know? you just can't. it's impossible. >> jon: because they are reddish. >> [laughs] it's a good point. >> jon: thank you very much."thg constitutionally" is available now. a.j. jacobs! we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show for tonight! desi lydic and jordan klepper will be hosting the rest of the week! here it is, your "moment of zen." >> the 46th president 46th president of the united states and presumptive democratic nominee, joe biden, calling in to "morning joe" right now. good morning, sir. >> hey, i'm going to be the democratic nominee. [laughs] - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪

- look, eric! mommy got you a present! - a present-- is it a rocket racer? no, let me guess. it's a frogman dave doll! no wait, i know, it's a police power chopper! - no, i got you something that's going to help you win the big spelling bee tomorrow! - mom, i'm not gonna win the spelling bee. i never do. - this year's gonna be different! look! i got you hooked on monkey fonics! - what the hell is "hooked on monkey fonics"? - it's a new way to learn how to read and spell. and it comes with everything you need to help win that spelling bee! - wah! - it says we just put the cassette into a tape player. [chime glissando] - welcome to hooked on monkey fonics level one. i will read the sounds, and the monkey will keep the beat. if your monkey arrived in the box dead, call 1-800-555-4500 to get a new monkey. ready? let's begin! [chime glissando] [rhythmic drumbeat] the learning monkey is here to say, that reading is easy and it's okay! work with the monkey and you will learn,

to spell hard words like "morbid" and "fern". start with card one. ready? begin. [chime glissando] c-h. ch-chalk. [rhythmic drumbeat] ♪ ♪ - c-h. ch-chalk. - good. card two! t-h. th-there. - t-h. th-there! hey, this is easy! i'm gonna win the spelling bee for sure, mom! - all right, everyone. welcome to the 15th annual south park spelling bee finals! [cheers and applause] this should be very interesting. we have with us 12 of the brightest spellers from south park elementary. - kyle, kyle, he's our man. if he can't win it, i'm out 50 bucks! - you bet money on my son to win? - sure, when it comes to spelling bees, i always bet on the jew! - you're going down, bitch. - shut up, fat ass. everyone knows i can spell better than you. - yeah, well this year i have a secret weapon. - and joining us this year, are the two home-schooled children,

rebecca and mark cotswolds! - what? - home-schooled kids? who the hell are they? - hey, that's not fair! you can't let home-schooled kids into a public school spelling bee! - what's a home-schooled kid? - i don't know dude, i've never seen them before. both: go, mark! go, rebecca! - our first contestant is mark cotswolds from home school. all right, mark, your word is: "conscientious". - what--what the fuck does that mean? - conscientious. may i have the definition please? - "closely attentive to details, careful". - conscientious. could you use it in a sentence, please. - "mary's analysis of the spreadsheet was conscientious." - "conscientious." c-o-n-s-c-i-e-n-t-i-o-u-s. [bell dings] - holy crap! - way to go, mark, all right! - okay, our next contestant is eric cartman. all right, eric, here is your word: "chair". ch-air.

- [whispering] come on, fonics monkey, drum! come on! - eric, your word is "chair"! - uh...definition? - something you sit on. - country of origin? - english! - could you please use it in a sentence? - oh, for christ's sake, kid, the word is "chair"! - uh..."chair." c-h-a-r-e. [buzzer sounds] aw, dammit! how come i get the hard ones? get over here, you son of a bitch fonics monkey! - all right, we're down to just three finalists. first up is rebecca cotswolds from home school. all right, rebecca, here is your word: "litoral" - litoral. definition? - "having to do with a lake or ocean."" - litoral. will you please use it in a sentence? - "gary was most interested in the litoral features of michigan." - litoral... l-i-t-o-r-a-l!

[bell dings] - correct! - wow. - all right, rebecca! good job, honey! - and now we have kyle broflovski. here we go: "kroxldyphivc". - what? - "kroxldyphivc". - definition? - "something which has a kroxldyph-like quality." - uh... could you use it in a sentence? - certainly. "kroxldyphivc is a hard word to spell." - kroxldyphivc... - you can do it, kid! you can do it! - "kroxldyphivc." c-- [buzzer sounds] dammit! - you little bastard! you cost me 50 bucks! why don't you run away and join the circus you stupid little son of a bitch! [screams] - congratulations, mark and rebecca. you are truly south park's finest! - damn, dude, those home school kids are smart! yeah, too bad they have the personalities of a wet dishcloth. - what's your name? - what's in a name? - wow. - it was nice competing against you boys. we will have to do it a-gain sometime.

- oh, yes, we must do it a-gain. - we've never seen you before. do you live in the woods or something? - no, i live right over there. i've lived there all my life. - how come you don't go to school? - because i'm home-schooled. - what's that? - my parents teach me, so i stay at home instead of going to school. - you what? stay at home? all day? no school? - right. - ♪ who would have thought such a miracle could be ♪ ♪ who could have known that this moment i would see ♪ ♪ a new way of living, a chance to be free-- ♪ - shut up, cartman. - you shut up, butthole. - you shut up, gay-wad. - you shut up, ass logger. - oh, my goodness, are you two enemies? - no, we're friends. - strange, friends would call each other names and fight. - what? - come, children, let's take our trophies home and place them high upon the mantle! - dude, what a bunch of freakin' nerdos. - papa? - yes, mark? - why can't i go to school with the other boys? - [gasp] oh. - well, because son, public schools are inefficient and dangerous. - but i want to play with the other children.

oh, how they laugh and play, papa. - mark, you have playtime. you get to play in the afternoons. - i just feel like i should go to public school, if only for a little while... to see what other little boys are like. - mark, public schools are no good. your mother and i were both home-schooled, and we turned out much better because of it. - please, papa, just let me try it for a few days. - all right, fine, mark! you go ahead and go to public school. you can just find out for yourself how flawed and treacherous it is! - hooray! - you don't want to go to public school, too, do you rebecca? - oh, heavens no. - well, thank god for that. at least my daughter will remain safe! [doorbell rings] - oh, hi. is, uh...is rebecca home? - yes, she is. - uh...can i talk to her? - oh, well i suppose so. rebecca, this little boy wants to see you. - hello? - uh...hi. - hello. - uh...i just... well... that's all.

- who was that? - a little boy wanted to see rebecca. - oh, no. i told you the spelling bee was a bad idea! - but the children won, and they were happy to meet the other children. - yes, but now i think we may have opened a pandora's box that we can't close! when the sawdust settles and the engine roars

the thing you care about is a job well done. but when you get your tools from harbor freight something about the job feels different - your wallet. whatever you do, do it for less, at harbor freight. ♪♪

- okay, children, we have a new student joining us today from home school. now, his parents are very worried about his safety, so please don't be too cruel too him. mark? - hey guys, what's up? - dude, what's wrong with you? do you have some kind of john travolta disease? - all right, children, let's just try to pretend there isn't a little boy in a huge plastic hamster ball here and go on with our studies. now, who can tell me when columbus sailed the seas and discovered america? - [grunting] - yes, mark? - ay! how come you never pick me? - because you never know the right answer, butt-for-brains. yes, mark? - the answer is 1492. however, the americas had already been discovered by many before him, including the vikings and the native americans, and therefore your question is a charade. - aw, see, that's what i was gonna say! - very impressive, mark. you should be able to throw the grading curve and flunk all these little bastards.

- oh, god, this kid's gonna last about five seconds out on the playground. - now, who can tell me what country columbus was from? - put your hand down, cream puff. - that does it! i do not need to sit here and be ridiculed! i'm gonna be home-schooled from now on! - you don't want to be home-schooled, fat ass. - i'm gonna be home-schooled and leave all the pain and suffering of public school behind me! screw you guys. i'm going to be home-schooled. - oh, please, god, let it be forever. [bell rings] - come on, pip, say it. say "please hit me". - but if i say that, you'll hit me! - no, i'm gonna hit you if you don't say it. if you say "please hit me", i won't hit you. - please hit me. - all right. - ow! - all right, let's try this again, pip. - i don't understand. you seem to like that boy, yet hate him at the same time. - hey, kid, get out of that hamster ball. - oh, i promised my father i wouldn't. - oh, boy. sorry, dude, you're on your own. - you best do what he says, home school kid. why this is our part of the playground, see, and if you don't follow our rules, we're gonna duct-tape ya to a bench. - you mean you would actually duct tape my entire body to a bench?

for what purpose? - just get out of the hamster ball or else you're gonna find out! [kids shouting] have a nice second half of the day, nerdo. - yeah, why...why, you shouldn't be such a smart mouth mr. know-it-all. - oh, dear. - oh, where could he be? he should have been home from the public school by now! - i'm sure he's all right. - that must be him! - [screams] - oh, my god, son! - hi, mom. hi, dad. - mark, what have they done to you? - well, they duct-taped me to a bench. - but why? - i don't know, mother. it didn't make any sense at all. - well, you see? this is what happens at public schools! - but i want to go back tomorrow, papa. - what? - please, just give me one more day. what do we do? - well, if we're going to let him go back, it looks like i need to have a little talk with those other boys' fathers! - ♪ everywhere i go i'm thinking of you, rebecca ♪ ♪ i don't know what to do, rebecca ♪ ♪ you're so nice, i'd like to get to know you better ♪

♪ so what do you say we get together ♪ ♪ you really are quite good looking, rebecca ♪ ♪ you really are quite good looking, rebecca ♪ ♪ rebecca, you really are quite good looking ♪ ♪ you're a fox ♪ - uh... good evening, gentlemen. if i could have your attention for a few moments... my son mark was beat up in school today, by your sons. i think it would be appropriate for you to talk with your sons, and instruct them to no longer tease or bother my boy. - look, mr... - cotswolds. - mr. cotswolds, we can't completely control what our kids do socially. you know, that's for them to figure out on their own. - well, obviously they need to be coached a little better. and furthermore, your son has been harassing my little girl.

i would like you to tell him to stop. - hey, my son is just discovering love. maybe your daughter is too. they need to know about that stuff. - oh, hello? my girl is eight years old! what does she need to know about love? - well, something. i mean, you can't just wait until she's a teenager and expect her to figure out everything all at once. - i will not tell you how to raise your children and you will not tell me how to raise mine. - you want a beer or something, catswall? - no, i don't drink beer. i just like wine coolers. - you what? see ya, cotswolds, thanks for stopping by. - yeah, see ya. - i can't even get her to understand. it's like she's from another planet. - can i sit here with you? - oh, man, if you have to. - attention students. don't forget that this friday night is the south park elementary "bay of pigs memorial dance". we will have a very special band performing, so please come early. - hey, that's it, the dance! i can ask rebecca to go to the dance! - dude, what happened to you? you're a total wuss now! [laughs] - [muffled laughter] - why do you call kyle names and laugh at him? is he not your friend? - yeah, dude, but guys just do that.

we rip on each other and stuff. - i see--it's like you have to mark your territory as a boy. you have to socially find your place. - what? - enjoying your lunch, nerd-o? - ah, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me! - oh, dude, you don't say that! - huh? - get him! - boy, that kid's having a hard time adjusting to public school. - yeah, i wonder how cartman is doing with his home-schooling. - [yawning loudly] uhh...seriously. [yawns loudly] - hon, are you ready for some math problems? - oh, not right this second, mother. put them there by the door. - oh, all right. - mom... - yes, hon? - could you turn up the heat just a little? - sure, hon. - [sighs] dude, home-schooling rules! yes!

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