know, it's funny, you kiss just like my dad. well, miss crabtree, this certainly has been a great trip. let's head home. - which way should we go? - second star to the right and straight on till morning. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with

your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: hello, everybody! welcome to "the daily show " my name is jon stewart! and we are back, baby! [cheers and applause] by the way, i want to start off very quickly and mention a very quick congratulations to england and france, who held their elections to great success. we would talk about them tonight, but we are in america. so...

last week, we did a live show after the debate, uh... where did we leave off? >> jon: this cannot be real life. it just can't. [bleep]! we're america! [cheers and applause] >> jon: ah, yes. anger and despair. by the way, for those of you at home, the scripts are printed on kevlar. it's not in any way weak fingers. [bleep]. now since the debate, it's been interesting. many democrats have expressed concern that the president has

a hard time... expressing thoughts. and then there is this other camp who thinks that those people should shut the [bleep] up. >> stop this whining, stop the complaining, stop trying to be the cool, cynical kids. >> i would not want to be in a foxhole with any of the people who were clutching their pearls, all of a sudden. >> pearl-clutching and handwringing. >> bedwetting and soaking all the way through the mattress. >> we panic and piss our pants. >> jon: first of all, i'm not sure incontinence is the metaphor you want to go with. and second of all, when will we free senator fetterman from the turkish prison he's being held in? [applause] that's -- i don't know. but to those who say these

concerns are simple pearl-wetting and bed-clutching -- we all make mistakes! i thought i would take a moment to explain where the concern about biden's performance might be coming from, and why these concerns may be seen as a more foundational issue. you see, even before the debate, there had been some troubling moments of disconnect from the president. you know, perhaps this chart could -- [cheers and applause] if i may. sorry, the pen caps are made of kevlar, very difficult. perhaps this chart will illuminate the point more clearly. for instance, in 2022, when biden gave a shout-out to representative jackie. >> representative jackie, are you here? where's jackie? i think -- she was going to be

here. >> jon: unfortunately, jackie was dead. it's something the president seemed to have known six weeks earlier when he released a condolence statement about her death. so... huh! then there was the recounting of a recent conversation that the president had had come up with counterpart, the president of france. >> mitterrand from germany -- i mean, from france, looked at me and said, said, you know, why -- how long you back for?

>> jon: unfortunately, mitterrand is also dead. for longer even than that first lady! so... huh! and even on teleprompter, things continued to... huh! like the reading of the instructions people sometimes add to the script. >> the percentage of women who registered to vote and cast a ballot is consistently higher than of the men who do do so, end of quote, repeat the line. >> at the catholic school i went to, was a guy named riley last name. >> four more years. pause. [crowd chants "four more years"] [laughter and applause] >> jon: huh! then, of course, to be fair, the state of the union,

concern dropped a little bit at the state of the union, he kind of nailed it. but then the debate happened and what the [bleep]? what? now, to my mind, this was a shocking display of cognitive difficulty, recognizable to unfortunately anybody who's dealt with aging parents and it's a hard watch. but there were many viewers who felt it was not as noteworthy as biden's opponent. >> it's pretty amazing that 90% of the conversation is around joe biden's style when up on that stage, donald trump was engaged in a level of pathological lying that we've never seen. >> shouldn't the discussions also be about trump's fitness to serve? >> every time he opened his mouth, he said something insane or that was a lie. why aren't there calls for trump to drop out? where are they? >> jon: yeah! why doesn't anyone ever speak out about donald trump?

or, let's say, every night for tens b years ! [cheers and applause] but you know what? i take your point. not me, but other people. fair point. and let's take a look at trump's chart. [cheers and applause] it's all bad! the whole thing is bad! it's been bad since he started! he started with "grab 'em by the pussy!" what are you going to do? the whole thing has been bad! the whole thing! [laughter and applause] the difference is this. i will tell you the difference.

i will tell you the difference! the difference is, trump delivered at the debate to expectation! we expected him to be [bleep] crazy! but biden's performance and inability to articulate at times was stunning. like i could not believe what i was watching. just thinking about it again just makes me want to rip up my script. why do we make this out of such strong material? but then it got worse. rather than respecting the american people and having an honest, at least, conversation about what we had all seen, we were told immediately, "these are not the droids you're looking for." >> he has a stutter. >> he hasn't debated in four years. >> he was almost overprepared. >> he had an off night. people have an off night. >> you know, the president traveled six time zones forward to g7. he was also doing -- continued

to do his presidential duties. and also, he had a cold. he was jet lagged. >> jon: he'd been home for almost two weeks! he was jet-lagged? how big is that [bleep] jet? the point is, for a campaign based on honesty and decency, the spin about the debate appears to be blatant bullshit. and the redemption tour hasn't gone that much better. whether it's been on the radio... >> i'm proud to be -- as i said, the first vice president -- first black woman, served with a black president. [laughter]

>> jon: y--yaass, queen? [cheers and applause] or whether the president is on prompter and fired up! >> let me say as clear as i can, i'm staying in the race! [cheers and applause] i will beat donald trump. i will beat him again in 2020. >> jon: i got to tell you, somehow, confusion with confidence is even more unsettling. or when the president sat down with george stephanapolous to prove once and for all how cogent he is and to film a bronzer ad. orange man good? none of this was reassuring! and we're told that the threat of trump is so great and the stakes are so high that even bringing up these absolutely legitimate concerns about the president's ability to do the most vigorous job in the world

for the next four years is "enabling fascism," yet even the president doesn't seem particularly alarmed! >> if you stay in and trump is elected, and everything you're warning about comes to pass, how will you feel in january? >> i'll feel as long as i gave it my all and i did the good as job as i know i can do, that's what this is about. >> jon: that is not what this is about! there are no participation trophies in "end-game democracy." yes, i remember fdr saying, "well, if the nazis take over europe, at least both teams had fun." [laughter and applause] and it's really troubling that, as this new information has been introduced, we just learned about that, and now we are being told, "well, you should have thought of that before you knew it!" >> we can't go against the will of the voters. democrats who voted in all 50 states in the primary, that is who they want to be their nominee.

>> he is the nominee because millions and millions of people voted for him to be our nominee. >> and he will be our nominee. end of story. >> jon: there was no real primary! biden ran against dean phillips. that's not even a real person! that's a stock photo on the packaging for a garden hose! that's not a person. ai. [applause] and let me say this, authoritarianism and donald trump aren't the only threats our democracy faces. an arthritic status quo, unable or unwilling to respond, in any way, to the concerns of voters who just received new and urgent information about their candidate, also erodes confidence and faith in the system of government! "get on board or shut the [bleep] up" is not a

[bleep] up" is not a -- is not -- [cheers and applause] yeah! [cheers and applause] honestly, though, "get on board or shut the [bleep] up" is not a particularly compelling pro-democracy bumper sticker, nor is "what'ya gonna do?" >> i've gotten a lot of texts today from folks who watched a lot of "west wing" episodes and imagine a very complex path through which we might have a robust primary process, but wolf, you know the reality. there's four months left to the presidential election. >> jon: four months is for [bleep] ever. britain just held an election in two months! france had two in one month! defeated fascism and still had time to have an affair with

denmark! "are you telling me, are you coming to my house and saying to my face, that the united states of bruce springsteen's america can't hold an election better than the [bleep] french? is that what you are telling me?" it's four months! four months! it's 119 days! there are contestants on "the bachelor" who haven't even met yet that will get married and divorced between now and the election! we have nothing but time! [cheers and applause] by the way, i am in no way saying biden's got to out, but can't we stress test this candidacy? do you understand the opportunity here? do you understand how thirsty americans are for any hint of inspiration or leadership and release from this

choice of a megalomaniac and a suffocating gerontocracy? it is crushing our [bleep] spirits? do you have any idea what could be ahead of you? all we want is for someone to keep it 100 -- the percentage, not the age! that's all we want! here's an idea. i will spitball it. it's last-minute but why don't we try to get all the democrats in together, in, i don't know, six weeks' time. we could get everyone to fly into one some midwestern chicago, perhaps one adjacent to important swing states, let's call it chicago. and they can spend, let's say, four days there. nobody works fridays anymore. on monday, anybody who wants to gives their sales pitch about how they can make democracy more responsive to the people who they are supposed to serve. you can bang it out on tuesday. the winner will move onto the next round and then face biden. biden had a bye.

wednesday's an off-day. bus tour to find the restaurant from "the bear." thursday, the party emerges energized, unified, sanctified. you could televise the entire proceeding for 4 days! you call it, i don't know, "the apprentice." i'm just workshopping! so feel free to ignore any obvious weaknesses in your team's existential fight for freedom and democracy, and then just white-knuckle this thing 'til november. or take the advice of your candidate. >> do you think there is any democrat who would defeat donald trump other than you? >> probably 50 of them. [cheers and applause] >> jon: 50! i got to say, i like the cut of that fella's jib. >> 50 of them. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: when we come back, more

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stay in the campaign. and it turns out, biden's got a pretty high bar for dropping out. >> if you can be convinced that you cannot defeat donald trump, will you stand down? >> [laughs] it depends on -- on if the lord almighty comes down and tells me that, i might do that. >> jon: if the lord almighty comes down, he might do that. for more, we go to biden headquarters with desi lydic! desi! [cheers and applause] how are you? good to see you. desi, so obviously, this story is dominating the news cycle. desi, what's the latest? >> well, jon, like a pressure cooker turned on, the pressure is on. biden told george stephanopoulos that unless the lord almighty himself comes down, he's not getting out of the race. and you'll never believe this, but i have a very special someone right here! [cheers and applause]

>> jon: wow, it's -- oh, um, god, that's... oh, boy. >> it's me, jon! i am the lord thy god! creator of the universe, co-star of the sistine chapel! author of "the new york times" best seller: the bible. and i have a message for the president! as corinthians says, to everything there is a season, turn, turn --- >> jon: yes, desi and jordan! or, gandalf? or whoever you are? i see what you guys are doing. >> what? >> no! >> it's god! >> jon: biden's never going to fall for this. >> have you seen him lately? there's a decent chance, jon. but fine, maybe biden's more of a new testament guy. son? >> jon: oh, jesus christ... [cheers and applause]

this is unbelievable. >> yes, it is i, jesus christ, son of god, freelance carpenter, co-author of "the new york times" best seller: the bible! and i, too, am worried that this biden campaign cannot be resurrected. i would know... remember? >> jon: kosta, clearly, you're not jesus. so -- >> what, is it too classic looking? it wasn't woke enough? don't worry, we got that covered too. [cheers and applause] >> it is i, black jesus! i'm like white jesus, except i drive my donkey like this. and i, too, have a message for joe biden.

give me a beat! >> [beat boxing] >> ahh... >> jon: guys, forget it! no one is going to believe that either of you are jesus. so we are not doing this. >> wow, not believing in jesus. we get it, jon, you're jewish. [cheers and applause] >> couldn't handle the bars, jon? >> jon: no, that's not it. >> jon! jon, if i may! >> jon: yes, ronny chieng! ronny chieng! [cheers and applause] >> perhaps your western gods are unable to provide the answers that biden needs. >> jon: so you are? >> buddha! i'm buddha! source of all instagram wisdom. "live, laugh, love." that was me. kind of. >> jon: i could be mistaken

here, but isn't buddha traditionally... a little more naked, a little bigger? >> common misconception. that's laughing buddha. i'm ozempic buddha. i reached enlightenment and my weight goals. [cheers and applause] anyway, i agree with god and those buddy cop jesuses! if biden needs a message from the almighty, one of these gods has got to break through! >> did someone say god? [cheers and applause] i am thor, norse god of lightning, son of oden! king of asgard. >> and i'm that raccoon who hangs out with thor sometimes. or maybe that's not... sorry, i watched it on a plane. whoever biden will listen to, that's me! >> jon: grace. and troy. if biden isn't going to listen to "the lethal weapon" jesuses,

he's not going to listen to two marvel characters. doesn't thor have a giant hammer? >> oh, this isn't part of the costume. i'm just a lesbian. [cheers and applause] home depot had a sale. >> our point is simple, joe biden, sometimes you just have to let it go. things just run out of steam. take it from us, the marvel cinematic universe. >> jon: troy iwata and grace kuhlenschmidt, everyone. [cheers and applause] when we come back, a.j. jacobs will be joining me. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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when the sawdust settles and the engine roars the thing you care about is a job well done. but when you get your tools from harbor freight something about the job feels different - your wallet. whatever you do, do it for less, at harbor freight. ♪♪ ♪you're unbelievable♪ ♪oh!♪ ♪♪ applebee's mozzarella sticks are just 50 cents for a limited time. ♪you're so unbelievable♪ now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a journalist and author whose latest book is called "the year of living constitutionally: one man's humble quest to follow the constitution's original meaning." please welcome to the program a.j. jacobs. sir! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

great to see you! >> thank you! >> jon: a.j., so how did "the year of living constitutionally," a humble quest to follow the constitution, how did this come about? why would you consider this? >> first of all, thank you, and good morrow, of course. >> jon: is a constitutional? >> of course. this came about because i wanted to know what is in the constitution, what did it actually say? i thought it was a timely question because as you know, our current supreme court thinks we should follow the original meeting -- >> jon: what? i haven't been watching the news. [laughter] >> i recommended. >> jon: what a terrible thing. >> so i thought, i will try to figure out what that was by getting in the mind-set of our founding fathers. >> jon: now as he go back and you revisit sort of the mind-see you struck by how human -- we have deified them to a large

extent. but when you learn about them, do you think, oh, a couple of these guys might be idiots? >> [laughs] well, yes, the constitution is amazing because part of it are so inspiring. the preamble, 52 of the greatest words ever written about the general welfare and the blessings of liberty. but then, there are -- it is a flawed document. there are actual misspellings in the constitution. the word "pennsylvania" is spelled two different way. penn and pen. i ran the constitution through grammarly and grammarly found 600 mistakes, it is not perfect. >> jon: with the grammarly mistakes, did you correct it or did you think, let's pass that one? did you dismiss the grammarly questions? >> i couldn't go in and change it -- >> jon: the actual document spells "pennsylvania" two

different ways. >> and the its should be the it's. so if ben franklin would have invented social media, they would have gotten a lot of flak for that. and they knew it was flawed. that is what is amazing. the founding fathers knew, this is a flawed document -- >> jon: with a be surprised at how we have deified them? >> i think so. i think many of them would be. >> jon: in their discussions, did you -- as you looked back and saw the discussions that they were having come on my understanding is, they never really thought that partisan politics would, you know, be the thing we are fighting over. they thought the branches of government would fight each other, that the executive would fight the judicial kimba wood by the legislative. i don't think they thought parties would try and weaponize each apartment against each other. >> no, they did not see this rigid two party system coming. james madison knew there were going to be factions but he thought there would be lots of factions, like six or eight,

more like a european parliament. and they would have been shocked by so much of what we have now, including the president, i bring that up because it is kind of timely. [laughter] >> jon: they were very understated in the 1700s. it is somewhat timely. >> well, with the idea of a single presidency came up in the convention, a lot of the delegates said, are you adjusting? it is a terrible idea. >> jon: they said, are you jesting? >> i am paraphrasing. >> jon: are you jesting? >> they said, we just bought a war to get another? one said, this is a fetus of modern or cree. we should have three presidents, 12 presidents. >> jon: almost like a court, the presidency, not a unitary executive, not a single person. >> in the end, it was fought for weeks, and the end, the unitary executive won but i have to say,