ccle. okay, i am gonna go walk in the water now. yeah, it's a good day. pam, that was amazing. but i am still looking for someone with a sales background. ♪ flintstones meet the flintstones ♪ my name is andrew bernard. i was with a group called dunder-mifflin. hello? journalists at comedy central, it's america's only source for news! this is "the daily show" with your host... jon stewart! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome! [cheers and applause] please, please! how is everybody doing? wow, wow! [cheers and applause] what a terrible [bleep] week! [laughter] "hey, jon, come back to "the daily show" just for the election, it'll be fun! you'll do one day a week, it'll be a larf! what could go wrong?" obviously, we were supposed to be doing our shows from milwaukee for the rnc this week, but because of the attempt on

the former president's life, our venue, the venue in which we had planned to do the show, the theater, which was originally located in the "soft perimeter" they called it, securitywise, was shifted, understandably so, to the "hard perimeter." they called it the "hard perimeter." you really don't want to be in the hard perimeter. it was locked down, they built cages around the theater and because of that, we felt that we could not logistically put on the theater shows effectively without... people... [laughter] but i do want to say to the city of milwaukee, the mayor of milwaukee, could not have been more accommodating to the show, more gracious to us. we thank you so much. [cheers and applause] i do hope that we will be able to come back to milwaukee. we really do want to come back

at some point and make up some of the events we had planned, especially our "in-dog-cision." [cheers and applause] we get dogs adopted and people registered to vote. [applause] or it's the other way around. i don't really -- i don't remember. but as always, the biggest slice of praise is reserved for our production team and crew. they turned this ocean liner around on a dime! [cheers and applause] on a dime! it is a big production to take a show like this on the road on short notice. our crack production team and our crew got us back to new york city, got us ready to do a program this very tuesday night, it's remarkable work and i just want to thank the staff. [cheers and applause] remarkable! remarkable!

but, even though we are not in milwaukee, last night was night one of the rnc, and obviously, after what happened this weekend, there was a clear theme going in. >> obviously right now unity is a theme that we need to be focused on. >> i think we will hear a lot of unifying type speeches. >> we got to create some unity. because the vitriol into hatred needs to stop. >> we should bring the temperature down. >> let's turn this moment into a moment that helps us down the path of healing and unity. >> jon: wow... that... [laughter] that is senator ron johnson of wisconsin. he is known as a particularly... divisive -- divisive, however you want to pronounce that, a divisive figure. so to hear that, that healing rhetoric coming from ron johnson is impressive. i for one look forward to

hearing his unifying remarks on the convention floor. >> today's democrat agenda, their policies are a clear and present danger to america. af[laughter] >> jon: i'm sorry! [laughs] i guess he's what's known as "unity in the streets, divisive in the sheets." of [applause] but to be fair -- to be fair, i want to be fair in this new environment him a senator johnson did not mean to stoke anger. his teleprompter did. >> what he wanted loaded in the prompter was that we needed a somber moment in history, we should heed president trump's call to unite, to be strong, to be determined.

we must feel. he said i don't know how the other one got in there and screwed up the teleprompter, but again, he went ahead and read it. >> jon: what a douchebag! i didn't mean to say that, that was in my teleprompter, i apologize. [laughter] rogue teleprompters weren't the only ones having trouble adjusting to the republicans new tone. at one particularly fiery member of congress struggled mightily as her body rejected the unity theme as though it were transplanted like a monkey heart. >> the founding father of the america first movement, donald john trump! make america successful again. wealthy again. the country we deserve.

[scattered applause] [laughter] the one she knows she's making that noise, right? or is that the noise she makes when the interior monologue is going "marjorie, there's going to be plenty of time to talk about satanic democrats, just keep it in, marjorie -- oh, this is hard to do. oh... man... "but perhaps the weirdest moment of last night was when the rnc looked like it was turning into the dnc. one of its featured speakers was amber rose, founder of the l.a. slut walk and a sex-positive pro-choice internet celebrity. >> donald trump and his supporters don't care if you are black, white, gay, or straight. it's all love. >> jon: it's all love! it's love! you just better hope that that love doesn't lead to a neck

topic pregnancy, because... [laughter] the guys know what i'm talking about. the old fallopian tubes over there. but the moment that really felt like the dnc really snuck into the rnc was when sean o'brien, the president of the teamsters union, and apparently rob corddry doppelgaenger, came up to the lectern. if >> it's an honor to be the first team stir in our 121 year history to address the republican national convention! >> jon: the crowd went crazy! until he began to tell them what he thinks. >> legal protections that make it safer for workers to get a contract. trade policies that put american workers first. labor law must be reformed. companies fire workers who try to join unions and hide behind

toothless laws that are meant to protect working people but are manipulated to benefit preparations. [cheers and applause] >> jon: where are the cheers on the floor of the convention? apparently republicans are pro-worker now. i hope somebody tells all the republican governors who passed rigright to work antiunion lawsn the states and all the republican-appointed judges who made it easier to break unions, and donald trump himself, who helped kill a bill that would have protected unions! that would be so embarrassing! hypocrisy! but of course the main event from last night was the crowning of donald trump's b19 movement heir apparent. no, not that guy. there you go! the other dark-haired bearded dude right in front of that one, j.d. vance! i've got to tell you something, man, that ain't right! it's like vice president donald selected the actor who would be hired to play don jr. in the

lifetime movie. it's not right! it's like don jr. was the beta version that had to have some kinks worked out. he is the default avatar in the video game and donald trump senior adjusted the pretty eyes and charisma sliders up a little bit. of "66 intelligence? "and then it was time for donald trump's big entrance, the great lee greenwood did the honors with a rousing rendition of god bless the usa. >> is there any doubt who is going to be the next president of the united states? prayer works! this nation based on faith, prayer works. because he was sure as donald trump turned his head just slightly that the bullet missed him just enough. >> jon: i'm sorry, lee, we are going to have to skip ahead just a little bit.

none of the side powder if you could. a great lee greenwood introducing donald trump! here we go! >> we have believed for so long that god will make some changes in this country, that he is about to make a change in the current administration and send them home! thank you, everybody, for being here! >> jon: just [bleep] get to it! the man is wearing a time-release yourself, for god's sakes! >> help for our veterans and god bless our military wherever they are in this united states! and abroad. there will be note -- >> ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the next president of the united states... [applause] >> jon: they cut him off! is it possible to bring out

another band to play a band off? but then finally donald trump himself arrived, waving to his adoring crowd and then went to sit down in what can only be described as some sort of chair trap. oh, oh. what is that, a beanbag to meanwhile, back at the bat cave joe biden was sitting down with nbc news anchor lester holt to answer questions about what he would do cool our nation's overheated rhetoric. >> have you taken a step back and done a little soul-searching on things that you may have said that could insight people who are not balanced? >> how do talk about the threat to democracy, which is real, one a president says things like he says? do you just not say anything because it may incite somebody? my opponent has engaged in that rhetoric. he talks about there will be a bloodbath if he loses.

like remember the picture of donald trump when nancy pelosi's husband was hit with a hammer going -- talking about -- joking about it. >> this doesn't sound like you are turning down the heat th though. >> he's not turning down the heat, he's telling with the other guy has been saying? how are you supposed to discuss the temperature of the rhetoric if you are not allowed to mention the rhetoric? it became clear that biden was ready to turn it down for everybody but lester holt. >> are you seeing what they saw, which was moments of frankly -- you appeared to be confused. >> lester, look. if why don't you guys ever talk about the 18 -- the 28 lies that he told? where are you on this? [laughter] >> jon: oh, 28! >> seriously, you won't answer the question but why did the

press not talk about the lies he told? >> jon: let me ask you something, lester. let me ask you this... who's got two thumbs, lester? and is about to beat your ass? of course this entire debate over rhetoric is happening because of the attempted assassination of donald trump over the weekend at a rally in pennsylvania, which was obviously terrifying and disorienting. and i think i learned that in an emergency when shit hits the fan in this country... the internet is a great source of information. for instance, within minutes i found out that this is staged! and then i found out that it was actually an inside job. and then i found out that it was joe biden who ordered it! and then i found out that this guy is the shooter! great job, internet, you did it! except it turns out that that

guy is an italian football commentator named marco violi. [laughter] who does, to be fair, look a little shootery. [laughter] but i can only assume was in italy sipping aperol spritzes on the piazza when he got a panicked call from his nonna. [exaggerated italian accent] "marco! marco! why, marco!" [normal voicet] , and i have to say, i mean this, i have a slight confession to make, i'm not proud of this in any way, shape or form but i am following social media during all this to find out who did it because it's this pattern i feel like we now have in the country when we hear about a horrific event. if you are on pins and needles in this sort of "reverse demographic lottery" to make sure that the psychopathic

shooter doesn't belong to one of your teams. you know, you just that they're going "please no democrats, no liberals, no progressives," like that press your luck game. "no jewy, no jewy, no jewy!" and we are all doing it! we are all doing it because we have to know what our posture will be on the tragedy. will it be a hottie "i told you" or perhaps a circumspect "let's not rush to judgment?" "we shouldn't generalize." and then it ends up being someone we can't even figure out in the first place, a bully blown her white guy, register republican, donated to a blue pac, is a dude but if you flip the picture upside down kind of looks like an old lady, i don't know what's going on with this guy! it's a jump ball! we don't know yet who's got dibs, who wins. and none of us knows what's going to happen next, other than there will be another tragedy in

this country, self-inflicted, by us, to us. and then we will have this feeling again. i remember it on 9/11. this disorienting "holy shit, stop the world, i would like to get off" feeling. and in that moment there will be some incredible americans who in the midst of it for some unknown reason rush towards it and get us back to some sort of equilibrium, and we will count on most folks told us together. again. and it does remind us that by a hair's breath, we dodged a catastrophe. but it was still a tragedy, because one of those first responders lost his life. his name was corey comperatore, he was a retired fire chief in the area. he had given his life in service to his community and he died literally shielding his family. he is a reminder that in those moments of crisis there are helpers, and we can all make a choice to try and be one of those people. or... you can be one of these guys.

>> in the immediate aftermath of the shooting, an article from forbes titled "well surviving gunfire be donald trump's next appeal to black voters?" >> jon: not helping! when we come back, bill o'reilly will be here. don't go away. [cheers and applause] do you guys think we come here too much? ♪ your cousin from boston ♪ summer ale! octoberfest! winter lager! cold snap! nah! it's sam season it's hard to run a business on your own. make it easier on

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show"! my guest tonight, he is the host of "the o'reilly update," and he is the author of the forthcoming book, "confronting the presidents." please welcome back to the program bill o'reilly! sir! come on out! [applause] ♪ ♪ >> thanks for having become appreciate it it! >> jon: william! our country, we are in such a dangerous moment. you've written books on almost every assassination as you have a whole line of -- the killing, the killing -- a children series you like about killing the president. it is the time we are in, in your mind, are we in a unique time in american history of

polarization, or as you look back on those other moments of terrible tragedy in our country, are there similarities or differences? >> yeah, it's not unique, but the social media and the corporate media heighten everything. if >> jon: you are saying lincoln's tweets are not a part of -- >> you had to get a pitch in and throw them out -- limited. but the assassins all have one thing in common. they are all mentally ill. all of them. and most of them did their terrible deeds because they were in a rage and you are going to find out that this guy, fits both of those categories. that has been human nature since -- >> jon: do you believe then that the political rid of -- i mean, john wilkes booth was clearly a political actor, no? he was also mentally ill. >> john wilkes booth was a

fanatical conservative and racist who hated lincoln -- >> jon: good thing that's gone out of the country! [laughter] >> that's what i'm saying. >> jon: i know! i was saying it too. >> we were both saying it. >> jon: we are all easily sharing that opinion. >> we are simpatico. >> jon: exactly. don't throw latin at me. >> i'm sorry. so it's not new. if >> jon: right. >> but we are now in a society where hatred is rewarded. >> jon: it's incentivized, it's monetized. >> that's right. and the hate brigade is now pulling back a little bit because they have to but they are going be back in two weeks because they get paid to do this. they are so untalented and -- >> jon: you and i -- oh, boy, oh, boy. >> i want to make this point because stuart and i have a history. but if you watch, google, really -- >> jon: ships passing in a

night. [laughter] >> we are able to disagree without hating each other. now, i truly hate him. [laughter] but i don't show it! >> jon: you hold it well. absolutely. >> but now that's not rewarded. that kind of detente where two people look at life differently isn't rewarded. the haters get the big money and so that's what you have read and i think all americans start to hold corporations accountable. you can't do anything about the guys in the basement that are chucking the stuff out that you just had it on, the conspiratorial not. you can't do anything about that. but you can say to corporations you better knock the stuff off, you better stop calling people racist and like that. under question -- >> jon: did i have a question? i was watching a different program. if i'm watching south park reruns right now. i don't even know what you're talking about.

>> this one is better. >> jon: i'm going to listen to you but then i have a follow-up which is important. >> so your question is what can people do about this? reject it. don't celebrate it. this kid, 20 years old in pennsylvania. we don't know what caused him to do that. we knew he was a miserable kid who was bullied and all of this stuff. we all know that. but we don't get into "he's a republican." that's the first thing they said on "the view." stop it! that does nobody any good, all right? >> jon: let me push back a bit. you and i are both somewhat fossilized practitioners of the rhetorical arts that are confrontational at times, provocative at times, and we made a really spectacular living

pushing those envelopes. it seems now to say, these other people should stop. >> look... [applause] >> jon: it's like free speech but -- >> go ahead. >> jon: we keep saying like we don't know why these people do it. they are all mentally ill, but let's stop the rhetoric even though we have no idea -- wouldn't it be better to come up with -- people can be passionate, people can defend their position and shouldn't we be -- shouldn't the argument be we have to start arguing with each other in good faith? >> so biden made a good point last night in the lester holt interview when he said what am i supposed to do, not criticize trump -- >> jon: he feels it is a threat to our democratic system. >> the third reich -- okay. >> jon: you know he didn't say that. >> no, but he was thinking it, stewart. >> jon: stop monetizing your anger! [applause] i don't like it!

i don't like it one bit! >> he made a point where i got to criticize the guy because i don't believe he's good for america and i believe -- okay, criticism is good, robust debate is good. i like coming on here in front of all of your friends out here. the audience -- no, i have no friends here. okay? >> jon: well, not just here... [cheers and applause] >> i'm giving them that one. >> jon: all right. >> so we have made a nice living confronting other people, sometimes making fun of them, sometimes serious debate, and going to be your podcast tomorrow and i'm going to kick your butt, but we don't want to see them -- at least i don't -- destroyed. that's the difference. the fanatics on the left and the right want to see their opposition destroyed.

they want to hurt them. >> jon: but i've heard a lot about -- and even from you -- >> you're not arguing that point, are you? >> jon: i'm not arguing that point, i think that's a more measured point then you've probably been making and then i've been hearing. most of your points, from what i've been following, if at the left has to take it down a notch. you mentioned nbc. >> iran a montage montage on the no spin news last night. >> jon: by the way, log on, it is hard to get on. >> it's not hard for 4 million people to watch me on the weekend. >> jon: 4 million! that's a lot of cheese! >> thank you. >> jon: all right... >> i ran a montage of haters on the left and the right. a-determiner >> jon: all right. >> i just let the words speak for themselves. >> jon: on the right, i don't know if you would argue this, there is a feeling that they

haven't been doing that and that it is the purview of the left. there's been a lot of that. >> people believe what they want to believe but those of us who are saying and fact-based -- and that might not be you, we know what reality is because we can see and hear it. >> jon: but we are no longer a green, how can we have a conversation about rhetoric if we can't even agree if there are delusions of it's really only them. when i watched the guy from the heritage foundation say the revolution will be bloodless... if the left, you know -- >> allows that. >> jon: and you are just like what are we doing here. some of the fears of people are justified. tens of millions of women lost access to reproductive choice based on the decisions of that party. those are real-life consequences of great gravity and weight. [applause] how do you talk about those in a way that you are able to express it? >> if not difficult to talk

about it. >> jon: it seems like it is. >> the mistake that you made, one of the many, you are trying to get the fringe people to be reasonable. >> jon: it is not the fringe. >> no, no, it is. people don't know what that is. most americans -- i put the number at 70% -- are good pe people. >> jon: i don't doubt that. i don't doubt that. >> those of the people you play too. not the fringe people who are just out there wanting to, as i said, destroyed the other party. >> jon: your candidate -- >> i don't h have a candidate. >> jon: oh, okay... [laughter] >> that's what this guy did! this is what you did. >> jon: i'm going to take a look at this cornel west fellow. >> watch the moratorium, he did the same thing with romney!

you are fossilized! >> jon: listen to me! >> yes, i'm listening. >> jon: the candidate that represents many of your... kinfolk... >> kinfolk? >> jon: he said the election was stolen and rigged. and drove people to this madness on january 6th. how are we to deal with that truly -- what is the hallmark of a democracy? put that in jeopardy. >> that has haunted him every day since. >> jon: he's paid a terrible price. >> he has very cannot explain? >> jon: have to fix the damage himself, there, there, that wall. >> if trump hadn't done that on january six, he would be ahead of biden by 25 points in the polls. that's how bad biden has been for the country. >> jon: i disagree with that. >> of course you do!

but that's okay. i can back it up, do you want me to? >> jon: okay, i mean... >> i'm going to ruin your day, stewart. >> jon: you brought a handkerchief? >> i was prepared for this. food prices under biden up 20%, gas prices 38, mortgage rates 160% buried >> jon: yeah, prices have gone up. >> drug ods of 36%. car insurance 125% up. these are folks, they have to spend that money. >> jon: there is no question that post-pandemic this country and the world have suffered -- >> two years of post-pandemic. >> jon: right but trump ran an $8 trillion deficit, spent 1 trillion on tax cuts -- >> inflation was 1.5% when he walked out the door. >> jon: but look at it in relation to the world. i respectfully say yes, inflation was too high and that hurts american consumers -- >> do you want this? >> jon: so what did biden do to create that though?

>> i don't know, and that's what i would ask -- [laughter and cheering] >> jon: so you wrote down a piece of paper but didn't look up the answer? >> no. i want to ask biden about that. >> jon: okay... >> you are saying how did biden do it -- i'm not going to hear him sit -- >> jon: that was a very poor impression of how i would say it. >> okay. so my job as a journalist is to say -- >> jon: oh, when did you get that job? [laughter and cheering] you made it too easy. "confronting the presidents" comes out september 10th and is available for preorder. bill o'reilly. we are going to take a quick break.

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: before we go we are going to check in with your host for tomorrow night, mr. ronny chieng! ronny! [cheers and applause] obviously big things going on, what you have planned for wednesday night? >> ronny: well, i'm going to be talking but j.d. vance, the perfect vice presidential pick for the trump ticket. he's tall, he's bearded and most importantly, he's loyal. >> jon: well, i mean... i don't know about loyal. he thought trump was basically hitler a few years ago. >> ronny: jon, come on! if that's the standard, then nobody is loyal, all right? who hasn't called their boss hitler at some point? [laughter and applause]

>> jon: ... have you called me hitler? >> ronny: jon, now is a time for unity. [cheers and applause] it doesn't matter what people said yesterday. and yes, i do accept your nomination as vice president of "the daily show." >> jon: that's not -- ronny chieng, everybody! here is your moment of zen. >> and if i may be for the benediction you this promise. you are going to be so blessed. you're going to be tired of being blessed. i guarantee it. [cheers and applause] - ♪ mtv ♪ [rock music] ♪ ♪

[eerie music] ♪ ♪ - hail, dimwitted earthlings. i am smart butt-head. - and i am the one men call smart beavis. - long have we observed the parallel universe where beavis and butt-head got older and are now in middle age. - oh, the marvels we have seen, the wisdom we have learned. - all of it far beyond the comprehension of your feeble human minds. - nonetheless, we shall now reveal to you but one of these marvels on the planet imbeciles call earth. - smart beavis, where is the steering wheel on this comet? - i do not know. we shall have to steer it with the power of our minds. - very well. [both humming]

- [screams] ♪ ♪ - you know what we should do, beavis? let's get some beers and have a party. [chuckling] - yeah, but, um, we did that last weekend, and we drank all the beers, and no chicks showed up. [chuckling] - that party was cool. [chuckling] - yeah, it was. [chuckling] party down. [chuckling] - howdy there, neighbors. you got time to sign a petition to keep highland beautiful? - uh, what? [chuckling] - i'm collecting signatures to get rid of that ugly low-income housing out on the main road. - um, what's housing? - in this case, it's an eyesore that needs to go. let me show you. - uh, yeah, that place sucks. [chuckling] - yeah, it sure does.

what kind of buttholes live in that dump? [chuckling] i mean, seriously. [chuckling] - my company wants to put in a new condo with ground level retail, but we have to demolish this one first. - yeah, demolishing is cool. [chuckling] - it sure is. the city council's going to discuss this tonight. i hope i see you there to support the demolition. - yeah, yeah. [chuckling] i got a sledgehammer. should i bring that? [chuckling] - uh, yeah, we'll go to that. can you buy us some beer? [chuckling] - how about i buy you a beer after you go to the meeting? - oh, that sounds good. [chuckling] - we're being bribed. [chuckling] [soft music] ♪ ♪ beavis: being a janitor would kick ass 'cause, like, you just, like, listen to music all night, and then you can just, like, spank your monkey wherever you want, and then you can clean it up, you know, cause you already have the mop, see. [chuckling] butt-head: yeah. it is the perfect crime.

♪ ♪ it was the native americans who first invented the fist pump. [chuckling] beavis: whoa. what's his other hand doing? [chuckling] butt-head: he's doing a different kind of fist pump down there. [chuckling] beavis: yeah, yeah. [chuckling] yeah, there's something else dancing down there about the same size. [chuckling] - he's masturbating. [chuckling] beavis: [chuckling] yeah, he sure is. he's not shy about it either. yeah. [chuckling] - nothing wrong with that. [chuckling] beavis: yeah, i mean, i don't really want to see it, but, you know, i mean, no one wants to see me do it either, you know, so, you know, so go for it, you know? oh, look. [chuckling] tiesto's spanking his monkey too. [chuckling] - tiesto. [chuckling] beavis: yeah, you know, if you can't masturbate to your own music, you know, what's the point? [chuckling] butt-head: yeah.

[chuckling] uh, i think this guy's, like, not even a janitor at all. [chuckling] - yeah, he's just a really considerate masturbater, you know? he's like... [chuckling] you know, he brings a mop with him, you know, and a bucket, you know? [chuckling] butt-head: yeah, at the front of the museum, they were like, "sir, you're gonna have to leave that mop and bucket outside." [chuckling] and then he's like, "uh, no, you're gonna thank me." [chuckling] - you're gonna be glad i did, believe me. [chuckling] butt-head: uh, well, time for him to go get the mop. [chuckling] beavis: yeah. [chuckling] i think i might get me one of those, you know? [chuckling] mop. [chuckling] [both chuckling] - boys, you made it. - uh, where's the demolition crew? and who are those buttholes? - community. - [chuckling] - it's proven to keep an eye... man: they're the people who think they run this city. - [chuckling] running sucks.

- yeah, really. [chuckling] - now, the meeting's about to wrap up here, and then any member of the public is allowed to speak for four minutes, and that's when you can talk about protecting our neighborhood from low-income housing. - that concludes new business. the floor is now open to public comment. first on the list is mr. beavis. - you're up. - um, i'm beavis, your honor, and i just wanna say i'm in favored of destroying this building that sucks. [chuckling] uh, amen or something. [chuckling] - you've got 3 minutes and 50 seconds left. - oh, okay, um, also, when you destroy it, i think you should burn it. yeah, you know, with fire, you know, and then you'll see how cool it is. yeah, yeah, with fire. yeah, and destroying it. and then it'll be so cool, we'll go destroy more buildings with fire, and then we'll destroy everything!

- yeah. - we will just burn... and then destroy trees and rocks and the schools! yeah, yeah, the schools! they could throw rocks at the schools, and i just want to say i think it's wrong for children to ever have to go to school because the children are our future, and, um-- and in conclusion, uh, let's destroy this building with fire and bombs, yeah! looks like my time is up. thank you very much. [chuckling] - thank you, mr. beavis. next is mr. buff-head. please use your real names, people. you have four minutes. - uh, i yield my time to mr. beavis. - and then destroy the sky and the land!

destroy it all with fire! [chuckling] and then destroy the fire with fire and more fire! - here's your beer money, boys. you earned it. you really spoke from the heart, beavis. - well, you know, i just like destroying stuff. that's all, you know. - he's a big fan of fire. [chuckling] - yep, always have been, always will be. - great news, the council just voted five to four to condemn that building. six months from now, those apartments will be a pile of rubble. - yes! - yes, yeah! [both chuckling] (brad) apartments-dot-com has helped millions of renters find their places, and they all have a special place in my heart. which is why i keep a picture of each and every one of them in my wallet. ah, get in there, get in there.

whoa. holy cats! wow! ooh, hey, i know all these people. there's sally and there's billy and there's lucy. (hq worker) i'm sinking! (craig) you know you can put these on your phone, right? (brad) and miss all this fun? apartments.com. the place to find a place. tv announcer: tired of hoping that the right candidates... [door clicks] - there's another one of those things on our door, butt-head. butt-head: they can tape up as many of these things as they want, but they can't make me read 'em. - [chuckling] outsmarted 'em again. - we sure did, beavis. well, let's celebrate. - yep. [chuckling] yep, party time. let's go get some beers. [chuckling] [hammers thudding, tools grinding] - how come it's so loud today? [chuckling] - yeah, sure is a lot of police tape too. something cool must have happened. - we always miss it. [chuckling]

- what's happening over there, butt-head? - uh, i think they're wrecking that place that sucks that we talked to the president about. - those buttholes that live there are gonna get what they deserve. [chuckling] [building crashing] - this is cool. - yeah, yeah, wreck it! wreck it! destroy! [chuckling] yeah! - [chuckling] - there you go, yeah! - [chuckling] - that's it, yeah! yeah, kick it! yeah! [both coughing] [both chuckling] - yeah. - that was cool. - sure was, yeah. it feels good that we got involved in our community, and it paid off. you know what i'm saying? - and now it's party time. [chuckling] let's go home. [chuckling] - yep. [chuckling]

time to kick back. [chuckling] - uh, wait a second, where's our apartment again? [chuckling] - um... i think it's around here somewhere. it was right next to the, um, the thing with the, um... hm, hm. - uh, i don't see it. [chuckling] - well, it's a puzzle. [chuckling] this one's a real thinker. yeah. - uh, i'm tired. [grunts] let's find our apartment later. [chuckling] - yeah. well, it's not going anywhere. we can just party right here. - yeah. i hope some chicks show up this time. [chuckling] [rock music] ♪♪ okay nature boy, what's that bird then? ♪♪

[notification sound] ♪♪ it's a male finch! ♪♪ they give seeds to females in a bonding ritual. [inner voice] wow... [bird chipping] ♪♪ get double the storage on us when you pre-order now. ♪♪ when we're young, we're told anything is possible... get double the storage on us when you pre-order now. ...but only a few of us go out and prove it. witness the greatness of anna hall on a connection worthy of gold: xfinity mobile. only xfinity gives you the most powerful mobile wifi network, with speeds up to a gig in millions of locations. and right now, get up to $800 off the new galaxy z flip6 and z fold6 when you trade in your current phone. get the fastest connection to paris with xfinity.

[rock music]

[both chuckling] - this is gonna be cool. [chuckling] we're gonna egg a house. [chuckling] - yeah, it's gonna be cool. yeah. [chuckling] but, um, like, which house should we egg? - [indistinct yelling] - uh, not this one. whoever lives here is cool. [chuckling] [dog barking] - yeah, not this one either. these guys kick ass. [chuckling] - they sure do, beavis. [chuckling] - whoa, now, whoever lives here sucks. - beavis, i think we have a winner. - yeah, yeah, let's egg it, yeah. - okay, beavis, when i count to three, let's throw these eggs. uh, go. [both grunting] [both chuckling] - yeah. - [chuckling]

- [grunts] - [chuckling] - damn it. ugh, damn it! [chuckling] ah! - beavis, you dumbass. you got in the way of my perfect throw. [chuckling] - [grunts] - i'll show you how it's done, beavis. check this out. [chuckling] [grunts] ah! damn it. throwing sucks. [chuckling] - [humming melody] ♪ i'm in my prime, optimist ♪ butt-head: uh, i think she's supposed to be, like, pinocchio, but when she lies, her butt grows bigger. [chuckling] - yeah, yeah, yeah. [chuckling] she been doing a whole lot of lying. you know what i'm saying? [chuckling] ♪ ♪ i wish, when i lied, my schlong would grow bigger 'cause then i'd be like, "hey, baby." [chuckling] "i have a gigantic schlong." [chuckling]

and i'd be lying, but then my schlong would get bigger because i'm lying, see? and then it would be true, though, so, um, i don't know if it shrinks again or-- i don't know how that works, you know? i don't know what the pinocchio rules are. you know? [chuckling] yeah, maybe it would just, like, start growing and shrinking back and forth, you know, like, 'cause, um, 'cause it grows, and then i'm not lying, and then it shrinks since i'm lying, and then, you know, it just goes back and forth. it's kind of going "boing, oing, boing, boing, boing." [chuckling] and then i wouldn't even need the chick, you know? i could just have my schlong do all the work, you know? [chuckling] and i wouldn't need my hands either. [chuckling] can go eat lunch or something. you know, go about my business. you know? [chuckling] maybe take up a new hobby, you know, like, um, like, um... uh, like spanking my-- oh, no, never mind. [chuckling] - that was quite a ride, beavis. [chuckling] - i guess what i'm saying, though, is, like, um, is i wish i could lie a lot and have a big schlong. that's all. [chuckling]