hello, this is dwight schrute calling from dunder mifflin, and according to our records, you appear to be low on office supplies. (dwight) okay, sure, i can take care of that right now don't sell your implants, please. i'm keeping them. i know you like them. they're kind of uncomfortable though. it's nice though. looks cute. kind of painful and my nipples aren't as sensitive now. looks cute though. >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central, and actually live special report. "the daily show" presents

"indecision 2024": the republican national convention, donald trump fists america, with your host, jordan klepper! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome to "the daily show." i am jordan klepper and we are live, everybody! [cheers and applause] while they are wrapping up the republican national convention as we speak, the excitement is palpable. or is that the soul shaking fear? they feel eerily similar. and if that wasn't enough news to cover in a day, there is another gigantic story brewing. keep your news alerts on because the democrats might be recasting a very big role. >> breaking news about president biden's candidacy. >> "the new york times" sources close to president biden said he is beginning to accept he might have to leave the race.

>> xes says he could drop out as soon as this weekend. >> it has reached a fever pitch. he came jeffers, nancy pelosi have had very direct conversations with president biden. >> more precarious than ever. >> an increasingly dire moment. >> his fate hanging in the balance. >> nearing the point of no return. >> we are close to the end of the candidacy. >> jordan: of the candidacy. to be clear. we are talking about an 81-year-old, you have to be clear about that. think about how strange this moment is. in the span of one week, one candidate got shot, and the other guy might drop out. i mean, years from now, children will be reading about this in history books. i mean, not in florida. they won't have those. but everywhere else. and on top of that, all of that, biden has covid, which is, no joke for a man of his age, especially because this is an

unusual strain when the brain fog gives you three weeks ago. now for more insight on the quickly evolving state of joe biden's candidacy, we got full team coverage! lets first go out to d.c. with michael kosta! michael! [cheers and applause] michael. what is the latest? >> jordan, i'm here outside chuck schumer's office as he tries to push biden out of the race. but it is a very difficult, delicate situation, because, don't forget, he is the president, which means he holds all the keys. >> jordan: the metaphorical keys to powers -- >> no, no. the actual white house keys. on one of those big key rings. he has it clipped to his belt. a key for the oval office, the situation room, one key that just says "room." we don't even know what that is. so they have to convince biden to give up the keys or wait for him to fall asleep and try to snag it off his belt with a broom handle. >> jordan: is that really the

only solution? why can't they just get a locksmith and get new keys? >> i guess they could but he's also the only one that knows the white house amazon password. what is the point of being president if you can't watch the new season of "the boys," am i right? >> jordan: welcome a joe biden is an old man. his password to something like "joe biden one, two, three." >> jordan, this man is the commander-in-chief. i'm sure he has access to better -- that worked. we are in great shape. thanks, jordan. >> jordan: now we go back to nancy pelosi's office of desi lydic. desi! we know chuck schumer is trying to be sensitive. what is nancy pelosi doing? >> she is playing a lot more hardball, jordan. she had a meeting with biden where she just stared at him while doing that five finger nice thing. very intimidating. she is also trying to mess with his head. she threw a pair of sneakers over a power line outside the white house.

>> jordan: is not a threat? >> well, i don't know, but if there is one thing that freaks out old white people, it is sneakers on the power line. how did they get up there? is it a gang sign? is it a drug thing? is it hip-hop? either way, it is time to move to florida. >> jordan: wow. very fluid situation. thank you, desi. let's go out to capitol hill with ronny chieng. ronny. [cheers and applause] ronny, who are you talking to? >> jordan, i'm talking to an opposing faction understanding behind joe biden 100%. they are telling the president to ignore the haters, stay in the race, and do as many public speaking events as possible. >> jordan: wow. which democrats are telling him that? >> no, these are the republicans. they are gung ho for joe biden, jordan. this must be the unity think they are talking about. >> jordan: ronny chieng, everybody. [cheers and applause] whether or not biden's candidacy

is live, we are. the reason we are live it is the last night of the republican national convention. and while most g.o.p. conventions are about nominating a candidate and crashing the grindr servers, this one -- look it up. [cheers and applause] this one seems to have a higher purpose. speak of this convention is happening, frankly, by the grace of god. >> it is a divine intervention by god that president trump is not dead right now. >> this is divine intervention. >> the bullet pierced president trump at 6:11 p.m. if he is the end 6:11 tells us that put on the form of god, take your stand against the devil and his schemes. >> this is providence. >> the moment before he fired the shot, a god-given tilt. >> if he didn't believe in miracles before saturday, you better be believing right now! >> if god is going to lower a shield of protection. >> god has put an arm or a

protection over donald trump. >> god is not finished with him yet. >> i believe we all witnessed a miracle, literally. from you know, before it happened, from above, the flag got blown in the wind and it got tied into literally what looked like an angel. >> jordan: divine origami? that is what we are going with? i mean, you see an angel. i see the g string from a cover up that black crows album. you see what you want to see. i don't mean to nitpick god, but if god did save trump from that bullet, he kind of procrastinated till the last second, didn't he? he could have stopped the gunman at any point during the day but instead, he waited until the bullet was in the air and went "shit, shit, shit! i got to stop looking at my phone all the time." fine, fine. okay.

every culture needs a leader who was chosen by god and has taken multiple wives. i get it, all right? plenty of people stepped up this week to sing his praises. one of the most fiery speeches was from florida congressman matt gaetz. although, that is an old picture of matt gaetz from a long time ago, like, a full week. because when he came out to speak yesterday, he looked a little different. >> under trump, we prospered. we were richer. inflation was low and there were two genders. >> jordan: and introducing the third! [cheers and applause] wow! it looks like his eyebrows are reacting to a picture of his eyebrows. but you can see why they chose him to make the case against joe biden. inflation is so bad, his forehead is now a six head. and i can make that joke because

i have been battling inflation for years. but last night's big speech was from donald trump's new running mate, j.d. vance, who wanted to introduce himself to the world, and this is what he went with. >> while we are on the topic of grandparents, let me tell you another mammaw story. my mammaw died shortly before he left for iraq in 2005. when we went to her place, we found 19 loaded handguns. they were stacked all over her house, under her bed, and her closet, and the silverware drawer. this frail woman make sure that wherever she was, she was with an arm's-length of whatever she needed to protect her family. that is who we fight for. that is american spirit. >> jordan: yeah, that's the american spirit! unhinged paranoia! [cheers and applause] you know, i love how god nuts in this country are always like "we are responsible gun owners...

anyway, here is a glock i taped under my baby's crib." let me just remind everyone that five days ago, their nominee was almost taken out by an assault rifle. i thought that might lead to a moment of introspection. but you guys are like, "you know what's hilarious? our guns are everywhere!" but outside of anecdotes about grandma john wicks, the fact was grant did not exactly set the room on fire. but the good news for him was that the crowd was so amped, they were happy to chant, no matter what. [crowd chanting "joe must go"] [crowd chanting "o-h-i-o"] >> while max, you guys are a great crowd. [crowd chanting "o-h-i-o"]

>> jordan: i have never seen a crowd so pumped that it started to engage in conversation. "yes, we are! let's order fruit! how about thai!" [applause] by the way, if you are wondering why the ohio chant is o-h-i-o, because it is the only word that people from ohio can spell. go blue, you hillbilly [bleep]! but tonight was the final night of the rnc. it was a last chance to address the events of last saturday. so to heal a hurting nation, the rnc brought in their most dignified voices to deliver their message with gravity and respect. >> what happened last week when they took a shot at my hero... when they tried to kill the next president of the united states...

enough was enough and i said, let trump-o-mania run wild, brother! >> jordan: wow! thank you, the healing has begun! he is going to make a great energy secretary. now you can laugh at one of the keynote speakers on the last night at the republican convention is a washed up fake wrestler, but i will tell you what, i think trump just walked up the vote of every teenager in 1992. okay. we heard a lot of talk. now it is time to bring the nation together with a sober message of unity. who is next? >> everybody, get a fist up in the air! now follow me! say fight, fight! [audience chant "fight, fight"]

>> jordan: watch that angle, don, jr., watch that angle. yeah, that is how you achieve unity, by making our ears bleed together. nothing riles me up like a 50-year-old man yelling at a bunch of 60-year-old men in suits to fight. oh, i'll be pounding the lipitor tonight. okay, then it was a big event. finally, time for donald trump to come out. in case you weren't sure who he was, they put his name in big, bright lights like he was the world's most famous circus elephant. that's right, trump is going to be president... on broadway! [applause] [laughs] and once the tunes tied down and the speaking began, trump made some big promises. >> four months from now, we will have an incredible victory, and we will begin the four greatest years in the history of our country. >> jordan: i... i don't know.

best four years? what about '91-'95? wu tang, nirvana, on ironic fanny packs? [cheers and applause] michael jackson before it got too weird? you know, i'll put those four years against any in history. now all week, we heard that trump was going to come out with a new message of unity and you know what? he delivered. >> as americans, we are bound together by a single fate and a shared destiny. we rise together. or we fall apart. i am running to be president for all of america, not half of america, because there is no victory in winning for half of america. >> jordan: "which is why i'll be a departing behalf that doesn't like me. problem solved." you know what? no. i am being a hater. this is a changed man up here. he is calling for an end to

discord. let's hear how we can bring about this unity together. >> if democrats want to unify our country, they should drop these partisan witch hunts, which i have been going through for approximately eight years. and they should do that without delay and allow an election to proceed that is worthy of our people. >> jordan: oh, how convenient. so the key to unifying the country is absolving donald trump of his crimes. anything else democrats should do? america, just think about how united the country would be if chuck schumer punch himself in the dick. think about it! come together!" but then trump went on to tell the story of his near assassination on saturday. and for a moment, i started to feel like maybe this was a different trump. someone somber, reflective. but then he slipped in just a small nod to the trump we have always known.

>> they knew immediately it was a sniper. and then began pointing at him. you can see that if you look at the group behind me. that was just a small group compared to what was in front. >> jordan: [laughs] that is how you know trump is going to get through this. even in the middle of a story about almost being assassinated, he felt the need to reflectively brag about his crowd size. "i suddenly realized how insignificant we are, except my crowd size, very significant. we are all just grains of sand on a beach. although, my crowd is more like a coastline. big crowd come a crowd." there was one other thing that made me realize, this is the same trump. >> wisconsin, we are spending over $250 million here, creating jobs and other economic development all over the place, so i hope you will remember this

in november and give us your vote. i am trying to buy your vote. i'll be honest about that. [applause] >> jordan: he is trying to do a quid pro quo in the middle of his convention speech! slow down, my man. you don't get total immunity until after the election! so that was trump's speech. a changed man who was basically the same manner as before. so what did we learn from the rnc? well, the campaign for president is basically one big job interview. the convention is where america checks the candidates references. and to be sure, there were plenty of people willing to vouch for donald trump. you've got ex-cons, domestic abusers, fake wrestlers, fake friends, his children, people sleeping with his children, and of course, the esteemed mayor of whoville. [applause] but if this is a job interview,

it is worth noting who we didn't see. most of the people who actually worked with him in the white house. and if america is going to do our due diligence, we might as well call our references to hear what they have to say about him. >> anybody who puts themselves of the constitution should never be president. >> i think he's unfit for office. >> richard nixon looks like a choir boy next to donald trump. >> the greatest that a democracy we have ever seen. >> he failed at being the president when we needed him to be that. >> doesn't like to read, doesn't read briefing reports. >> absence of leadership, really anti-leadership. >> want to be dictator. >> shouldn't be anywhere near the oval office. >> nothing but contempt for a democratic institutions, or constitutions, and the rule of law. >> the president has an understanding of a fifth or sixth grader. >> rex tillerson saying this about the president, quote, he is a effing moron."

>> jordan: you know what? good point. but did you see that flag? it looked like an angel. when we come back, voters tell us about their priorities. don't go away. don't go away. [cheers and applause] do you guys think we come here too much? ♪ your cousin from boston ♪ summer ale! octoberfest! winter lager! cold snap! nah! it's sam season with cascade platinum plus, i have upped my dish game auntie, in that dishwasher? watch me platinum plus gives you the highest standard of clean,

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>> jordan: welcome back to "the daily show." we have been talking about donald trump and the rnc all night but did you know there are people who are completely sick of this shit? "the daily show" news team hit the streets to find out more. >> we correspondents are turning into the convention because we are getting paid to do it. but does the average american voter want to tune it out? >> i don't want to talk about the election. >> i would rather do anything but talk about the election at this point. >> so we give people a choice of topics to see how badly they don't want to talk about the election. >> the election or shoelaces? >> we are not talking about the election. >> you can talk about the election or you can help me decide a bookcase for my bedroom? >> bookcase. >> do you like this one? >> no. >> would you rather talk about the election or discuss if we think orchids are still mad at us? >> discuss about orca's.

>> do you think they are mad at me personally? >> if you could choose, would you rather talk about the election or why ties exist? >> you are wearing one. >> yes, i am. >> two options. would you rather talk about the election or do calisthenics? >> lets your calisthenics. to feel that? >> yep. >> would you rather talk about the election or listen to me read through this manual? >> read from the user manual. >> it might take me about two and half hours to get through. >> i'm still going to go with a manual. >> okay, all right, exciting. ♪ ♪ how do i find my preferred cycle and vacuum level? every mom reacts differently to cycle vacuum levels -- this is about breastfeeding. start low and work your way up to a comfortable and productive level. what do i do if milk gets in the tubing? shit. luckily, i have this manual. so it may cause harmful interference -- you are still

listening, right? because it is so much better than the election. >> yeah. >> we can talk about the election or you can describe to me what shrimp tastes like without saying the word shrimp. >> but and veiny. >> okay, all right. >> i don't really like shrimp. >> fair enough. >> but it's better than talking about the election. >> if you could choose, we were having a conversation, to talk about the election or listen to me list all the lakes in minnesota. >> i would love to hear about minnesota. >> okay. bad medicine, badger, baker, baker, baker, baker. this is better than talking about the election. >> 100%. >> would you rather talk about the election or give me five complements? >> give you five copy lengths. >> hurry up or i will think you are lying. >> you are very pretty. >> [laughter] >> thank you!

>> i didn't do it myself. >> i love gold to live. >> i do too and it's real if i'm being honest. >> i can really flip on people, by the way. >> we can talk about the election are you can put your hand in his mystery box. >> i'll put my hand and the mystery >> oh, my goodness. >> i just want that. >> yeah. ♪ ♪ >> so we can talk about the election or we could do three uninterrupted minutes of eye contact. >> let's go eye contact. they go really? >> really? [clock ticking] >> that was intense. >> it was a lot. >> but it was better than --

>> talking about -- [cheers and applause] >> jordan: grace kuhlenschmidt, troy iwata, and josh johnson! will be right back. will be right back. don't go awa

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♪ [lock clicks shut] inez, let me ask you, you're using head and shoulders, right? only when i see flakes. then i switch back to my regular shampoo. you should use it every wash, otherwise the flakes will come back. tiny troy: he's right, you know. is that tiny troy? the ingredients in head and shoulders keep the microbes that cause flakes at bay. microbes, really? they're always on your scalp... little rascals... but good news, there's no itchiness, dryness or flakes down here! i love tiny troy. and his tiny gorgeous hair.

he's the best. - make every wash count! - little help please. >> jordan: that's our show for tonight. "the daily show" will be off next week but we will return. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> let me tell you something, brother! [cheers and applause] know something, when i came here tonight, there wasn't so much energy in this room, i thought energy in this room, i thought maybe i was announcing, - ♪ mtv ♪ [rock music]

♪ ♪ - george washington and the founding fathers were farmers, mm-kay? and the main crop they grew was tobacco. - whoa. you can grow cigarettes? - well, no, but you can grow tobacco, mm-kay? - you can grow tobacco. - yes, tobacco is a plant. it grows from seeds like any other plant. - whoa, cigarette seeds. that's cool. - [sighs] guys, it's april. we're supposed to be up to the vietnam war. now, as i was saying, tobacco was america's first cash crop. - yeah, yeah, get cash and money. - beavis, we've heard enough. let's grow tobacco and get cash money

like that dumbass george washington. [chuckles] - so, um, butt-head? how do we grow tobacco? - uh... whoa, check it out. - whoa, is that a cigarette seed? - it sure is, beavis. we finally learned something from that hippie. [chuckles] - um, i don't think it's growing, butt-head. - that's because it's not on a farm, butthole. it needs, like, dirt and, like, barns and stuff. - oh, yeah, yeah. and, like, a pitchfork or something, or some hay maybe. - whoa, check it out, beavis. more seeds. [both chuckling] - it's good to see two young people cleaning up all the litter around here. there's a receptacle right over there, boys. - whoa, cool. we're gonna be rich. - i can't believe these dumbasses

just left these around and didn't know they were seeds. they really suck at farming. - beavis, everybody sucks at everything. [chuckles] - ♪ it'll be a wednesday ♪ ♪ and i'll be going in this coffee shop ♪ ♪ hear the barista call an oat milk latte and your name ♪ ♪ and i look up from my phone and think there's no chance ♪ ♪ it's you, but it is ♪ - uh... - eh? - ♪ how's your family, how's your sister? ♪ ♪ i'll say, shannon's being shannon ♪ ♪ after a minute of nonsensical chatter, you'll say ♪ - does she know that the video's started yet? - she can't decide if she's, like, talking, or singing, or rapping, or just not really trying very hard. - ♪ we've been swimming on edge of a cliff ♪ - wait a second. swimming on the edge of a cliff? i don't understand that. i don't get that at all. - maybe it's like, uhh, there's, like, a waterfall or something? [chuckles] - no, no, that would be a waterfall.