>> i would rather do anything but talk about the election at this point. >> so we give people a choice of topics to see how badly they don't want to talk about the election. >> the election or shoelaces? >> we are not talking about the election. >> you can talk about the election or you can help me decide a bookcase for my bedroom? >> bookcase. >> do you like this one? >> no. >> would you rather talk about the election or discuss if we think orchids are still mad at us? >> discuss about orca's. >> do you think they are mad at me personally? >> if you could choose, would you rather talk about the election or why ties exist? >> you are wearing one. >> yes, i am. >> two options. would you rather talk about the election or do calisthenics? >> lets your calisthenics. to feel that? >> yep. >> would you rather talk about the election or listen to me read through this manual? >> read from the user manual. >> it might take me about two

and half hours to get through. >> i'm still going to go with a manual. >> okay, all right, exciting. ♪ ♪ how do i find my preferred cycle and vacuum level? every mom reacts differently to cycle vacuum levels -- this is about breastfeeding. start low and work your way up to a comfortable and productive level. what do i do if milk gets in the tubing? shit. luckily, i have this manual. so it may cause harmful interference -- you are still listening, right? because it is so much better than the election. >> yeah. >> we can talk about the election or you can describe to me what shrimp tastes like without saying the word shrimp. >> but and veiny. >> okay, all right. >> i don't really like shrimp. >> fair enough. >> but it's better than talking about the election. >> if you could choose, we were having a conversation, to talk about the election or listen to me list all the lakes in minnesota. >> i would love to hear about

minnesota. >> okay. bad medicine, badger, baker, baker, baker, baker. this is better than talking about the election. >> 100%. >> would you rather talk about the election or give me five complements? >> give you five copy lengths. >> hurry up or i will think you are lying. >> you are very pretty. >> [laughter] >> thank you! >> i didn't do it myself. >> i love gold to live. >> i do too and it's real if i'm being honest. >> i can really flip on people, by the way. >> we can talk about the election are you can put your hand in his mystery box. >> i'll put my hand and the mystery >> oh, my goodness. >> i just want that. >> yeah. ♪ ♪ >> so we can talk about the election or we could do three

uninterrupted minutes of eye contact. >> let's go eye contact. they go really? >> really? [clock ticking] >> that was intense. >> it was a lot. >> but it was better than -- >> talking about -- [cheers and applause] >> jordan: grace kuhlenschmidt, troy iwata, and josh johnson! and josh johnson! will be r

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- unless we come together as a country and realize that refugees from syria should be considered in need-- - boo! booo, wendy. booo, wendy testaburger, boo. - refugees from syria should be considered in need of international protection. - boo, wendy, boo! boo, wendy. - the vast majority of refugees from syria are likely to meet refugee status... - boo, wendy testaburger, boo! boo, wendy. liar. - instead of booing my opinion, why don't you make a constructive argument? - i'm not booing your opinion. i'm booing your report topic. no one even knows what a re-fuge-e is. boo! boo, bad, boo. - mr. garrison, can you do something about this, please? mr. garrison? - huh? oh, sorry, wendy. very nicely done. thank you. okay, next report. let's have peter mullen. - ugh! jesus.

- my report is on the vile and despicable trash that our parents are watching on television. fellow students, there is a plague of smut on our cable boxes. shows that feature re-enactments of unsolved crimes and spousal homicides. i'm talking, of course, about murder porn. - murder porn? - that's more like it. - according to the neilson ratings, viewership in shows like cold case files date line murder and deadly affairs is sky rocketing among married couples. the increased viewership has brought about a whole new slew of shows that use graphic sex and innuendo to make spousal murder more titillating. shows like southern fried homicide, sinful secrets, on the case with paula zahn. and it's all smut and it's garbage and it's trash! ah-ahem. your parents are watching this stuff. go home and ask them, and as we ask them we must ask also ourselves, if they're obsessed with this stuff, then how long, how long before one of our daddies

dresses up in lingerie and bashes mommy's head in with a brick? [clapping] [sharon moaning, laughing] [knocking] - oh, crap! who could that be? oh, it's probably [bleep] stan. hang on a second, bud. come on in. oh, hey, stan. what's up? - his wife is having sex with the neighbor, and when her husband comes home, he wants more than just a divorce. [gunshot] - ugh! - aah! [tv remote clicks] - you guys are watching murder porn? - murder porn? stan, this is just an investigative crime show. - adults like documentaries. - yeah, stan. these are based on real things. this is like news. it's informative. parents like informative stuff. - okay. [door closes] - oh, we missed the murder! did he cut them up?

[telephone rings] - what's up, dude? - dude, do you know aaron hagan? - yeah, the first-grader? - you should come down to his house. his dad just killed his mom. - what? [sirens] - [wailing] aah! - hey, that kid should not be seeing this. - [crying] - what happened? - you're making a mistake. let me go. it wasn't me, i tell you. a burglar broke in. he was black. he's the one who stabbed that nagging bitch in her fat face. he was black! [kids shouting, chattering] - guys, guys, i know we're all concerned, but we have to work together. - how is this stuff allowed to stay on the air? - the police found hours and hours of murder porn on the hagan's dvr. what more proof do we need? - i called the networks that are putting

this smut out there, and you know what they told me? they told me if i didn't want my parents watching, then i should spend more time with them. like it's my fault. [all shouting] - this is the result of a broken society in which profit comes before morals. - booo. boo, wendy testaburger, boo. - look, everybody, i know we feel our hands are tied, but the fact is, we can do something about this. there's an app which can actually allow kids to block things that their parents watch on television. and it is password protected with a security code that only a child would know. - tonight at 10:00, it's the tale of lust, seduction and murder on sexy betrayals. then at 7:00, some like their murder with a side of sexy biscuits on southern fried homicide. but now, get ready for lust, betrayal and murder on hot load case files - aah! - oh, yeah, three of the best shows in a row. - is the lube over there? - yeah, i got lube right here. - well, get over here, big guy. - yeah. [tv beeps]

- what the--what the hell? yeah, hi, uh, we aren't getting our informative murder porn. no, no, none of our channels that have informative murder porn appear to be working. yeah, the screen just says, "how do you tame a horse in minecraft?" uh, yes, we do have children. a what? a parental lock? stan! stan! how do you take a horse in minecraft? - what? - what is minecraft and how do you tame a horse in it. - you guys don't need to be watching that stuff. - oh, come on, you can't block your parents from watching informative murder porn. what, you think if we watch shows about married people killing each other all the time we're gonna go out and do it? that's stupid. i'm not gonna go out and kill your mom just because i watch investigative discovery, stan. it'd be impossible to clear away

all the dna evidence anyway. even if hired someone else to kill her, i'd have to kill that person too, because 96% of the time that person eventually tells the truth. i thought this through a lot. stan? you're a lousy kid! i wish jaden smith was my son! - who do our children think they are? blocking our tv content! - how are they able to do this with their smartphones? - it's all right. our kids think they outsmarted us, but we're the ones who pay the cable company. what'd they say? can they remove the parental lock? - no, they just did their usual cable company runaround. - what? we'll see about this. excuse me, our content is being blocked and we need it now. - i'm sorry, sir, if you need it now, perhaps you should switch to another cable company. oh, there's not another cable company is there? oh, that's right, we're the only one in town. - look, if our kids can block content, then you must be able to block them.

- as we told the other sir, we can fix it. but we just need to send a technician out to your house to change out your cable box. - oh, okay, great. [typing on keyboard] - we just need to find a window of time you can be home. how about between the hours 6:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m. all of november? - no, i can't wait around my house from 6:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. all of november! - oh, you can't? jeez, that's too bad. you need to be home for the technician. have you thought of switching to directv? - i can't afford directv. - oh, you can't? geez, that's terrible. then i guess you just have to work within our time windows. - well, any luck? - no, just the usual cable company stuff. - oh, well. guess we'll have to live without our informative crime dramas. - no, screw that. can't we learn this minecraft game so get around our kids' parental lock? - i've tried! it's not like other video games.

i really don't get it. it's all retro and like legos, but then a bunch of kids online called me a griefer and kicked me off. - we can learn, randy. there's talk of a child. word is he will teach minecraft to anybody for the right price. - hello? - hi. cory lanskin? - yes. - we heard that you're willing to teach minecraft to adults? - [bleep] off! - look, we were told that you're available for hire and we're desperate. - you was told wrong, misser. i'm a simple kid with a simple passion for simple things. - we have 100 ounces of silver. - wipe your feet and turn off your cell phones. now, we're going select an empty world. selecting an empty world will begin you

being dropped on a beach. now you're free to roam around and start punching trees. - punching trees? - why would we punch trees? - just use your [bleep] brain. how do you get wood? how do you get wood? - watching informative murder porn? - no, in this minecraft forest! how do you get wood? - punching trees? - right. you punch the trees to get the wood. you get the wood to build a cabin. - oh, i see. so when does the game start? - you are playing the game. this is the game! - i don't get it. - that's because you're thinking like a dad. minecraft, it don't got no winner. it don't got no objective. you're just [bleep] building shit and seeing if other things can knock it down. now, let's click on the inventory and let's filter through the skins. - yes, i'm getting it now. - you are? - no.

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do not try this at home. - randy, it's getting late. let's just go to sleep. - i almost got it, sharon. i found out where the horse is. now i just have to figure out how to tame one. - i'm really not in the mood now anyway. - sharon, i miss being intimate with you. everything was so passionate and then it just dropped off. i feel like we're losing our bond. - we don't have to have sex for our relationship to be good. - no, i know, but it's like we're just good friends. a marriage has to be more than that. it has to have fulfillment of fantasy and desire sometimes. magmacube? what the hell is a magmacube? - well, i'm going sleep, randy. - okay, i'll wake you up if we get our murder porn back. [bell rings] - there he is. hey, kyle, the parental lock isn't working. our parents are still watching murder porn. - what? how do you know?

- i caught my parents over at bebe's house watching seductive homicides, but bebe got the lock from the cable company. - it's true. i walked in on my parents watching martial murder mayhem. they broke the parental lock somehow. - that's impossible. did you set it up right? - you guys? you guys, you better get over here. - what? - butter's dad killed his mom. - [sobbing] - butters, what happened? - i was out by the lake last night and i saw my dad out in his field. he was harvesting sugar cane. it didn't make sense because he had a hammer. i saw him take my mom up to the top of this big thing he had built, and i yelled, "hey, watch out for the creeper," but she fell. - wait. wait. you mean in minecraft? - yeah, and then my dad just went berserk and he came over, picked me up and threw me down a well. i was trapped down there all night. - butters, your dad threw you down a well? - in minecraft. - what the hell is that? - i finally built a ladder and i was able to hoist myself out,

and there was my dad frozen in the lake. it was like he had no idea how to swim out of it. oh, god, it was so terrible! it was so terrible! - that's it. that's how our parents broke the pass code. i never thought anyone would stoop so slow. - what do you mean? - somebody's teaching our parents minecraft. - yes? - hello, sir. had a little incident last night. wondering if you saw or heard anything? - no, what happened? - well, someone broke into your next door neighbor's backyard and they dug up a bunch of holes and punched his trees. - punched his trees, huh? - yes, sir, then we got a house across the street where someone dug up the yard and built a cabin. - huh. that's weird. - what were you doing last night? - i was just playing mine--my banjo. - i play the banjo too. - well, thanks for your time, sir. you might want to keep the lights on in your yard tonight in case someone tries to build a cabin on it as well. - will do, officer. will do. [all shouting angrily]

- all right, let's calm down. i know we're all concerned here. - concerned? thanks to you and your stupid app parents are still watching murder porn and now they're screwing up minecraft too. - i spent three hours last night trying to get tweek's parents to stop griefing my castle. when i finally got away from them, i found they had taken all my dandelions. - why did we agree to the stupid app? - you know why! because we're trying to keep our parents from watching murder porn. - and why was that? because one kid's dad actually went and killed his mom? for all we know that kid's parents have been doing drugs and cheating on each other for years. maybe watching murder porn had nothing to do with it. - i have to agree with cartman. maybe we overreacted-- - booo! boo, wendy, boo. - it's true, dude. maybe we need to trust our parents won't act out what they see. [siren bloops] - all right, that's enough. come on out and there won't be any trouble. give it up, stotch. you have nowhere to run. - huh?

- i'll never give up. i don't even remember doing this. just leave me alone! - heh heh! nice one, stotch. your castle [bleep] sucks! - go to hell you griefer! - all right. we gotta do something. - hello? - cory lanskin? - yes. - we heard you might be teaching minecraft to adults. - what? whassa minecraft? - look, dude, we're trying to keep our parents away from graphic television shows. this could be a matter of life and death. - no, please don't be angry. my mommy always angry. get back in the meat locker. ouchie, ouchie! mommy rape my no-no! but she loves me, right? mommy loves me? - all right, sorry, kid. i guess we have the wrong house. - okay. bye. - what, dude? - something he said.

did you hear him? he said, "ouchie, ouchie. mommy rape my no-no." - so? - so if i'd been caught lying about something that's exactly what i would have said. - now that you've built a workbench, it's time to build something to take care of all those [bleep] sheep. just stop thinking with your grown-up brains-- - ah-ha! - oh, shit! - [mumbling] - son of a bitch! don't you think there are enough griefers in the world without our parents being shown this stuff? - kids got to find someway to make a living, don't he? - you have no idea what this is about, do you? we were using minecraft to block our parents from watching spousal homicide shows. - what? you mean like investigative discovery? - so you know it. - yeah, i've seen that stuff. who the bleep did i marry? true crime with aphrodite jones. real sick shit. your parents watch that stuff? - we put a stop to it until you taught them minecraft. - your problem ain't with me, mates. sure, one or two might act out what they see in video games, but cable television? people copy everything they see people do on cable. you're going about this all wrong.

you want to protect your family, you're gonna have to go fight the cable company. - hey, guys, can i help you? - hello. there are certain networks that we see as harmful to our families and we want them removed, please. - oh, you don't want cable anymore?

- no, no, just i.d. network, a&e, oxygen, and oprah's network. all the ones with murder porn. - you don't like paying for all the channels? our company actually packages channels together. - well, can you unpackage them? so we only get the channels we want? - i'm sorry, our company doesn't work that way. you want me to give you the number of a different cable company-- oh, wait, we're it, aren't we? dang it. guess you have to deal with our packages. - can we talk to your supervisor, please? - oh, sure. hey, david. - is there a problem here? - we want specific networks dropped from our cable. - ah, you have to pay for the bundle you can't just pay for what you want to watch. darn it. - you mean we're forced to pay for the oprah channel? - i guess if you don't want to be forced to pay for oprah, you'd have to shut off your cable altogether. - fine. then we'll shut our cable off all together. - hey, mitch, when can you get out to shut off some cable boxes? - oh, man, it's going to be, like, three weeks. there's a whole plug i have to pull out.

it's like four inches long. - three weeks, huh? okay, is three weeks from now okay with you guys? - no, that's way too long. - oh, it is? - jeez, that's terrible. - god damn it, i just don't want my parents to murder each other! can't you see that all we're trying to do is keep our families safe? look, i don't know if seeing couples murder each other on television is gonna make my parents do it, and we probably won't be able to stop them from watching what they want to watch. all we're trying to do is make it a little more difficult for them because cable makes it so convenient. sure, if they didn't have easy access to their murder porn channels, they'd be bummed out, but it's not just our responsibility to give them what they want, is it? - say--say the last part again? - what? - what was the last part you said? - i said it's not our responsibility to give them what they want. - no, the part about your parents not getting the channels easily. - i said it would really bum them out. - how much would it bum them out? - ladies and gentlemen, please stand by for an important message

from the president of your cable local company. - hello. in an effort to stop the cries of children everywhere, your local cable company has decided to drop all networks that sexualize spousal homicides from regular programming. customers still wishing to view true crime networks will have to purchase a separate package... which will require a technician to service every night from 2:00 to 3:00 a.m. and must include the purchase of 300 channels in portuguese. we realize this may be an inconvenience to you, and we hope you voice all your concerns to us, because at your local company, the customer is always our bitch. - jaden smith lets his parents do whatever they want. you know what? the guys at work took a bet on who would win in a fight, you or jaden smith, and they all said jaden smith could kick your ass. he does movies and he can sing, and he's totally cool to his parents.

- well then, maybe you should live with jaden smith, dad. - i wish i could! i wish i could live with jaden smith so i'd be rich, and i wouldn't have to live in a boring, sexless marriage where all your mom and i do is piss each other off! oh, crap. sharon, i'm sorry. - no, you're right, randy. without any sex, we just seem to get madder and madder. - no, you're right, sharon. we don't need informative murder porn to find passion in our marriage. we just have to get the spark back. let's go away somewhere, me and you. somewhere exciting and beautiful where we can just focus on us. sharon? hey, sharon, are you here? - i'm here, randy. - it's beautiful, isn't it? come on over here. i built us a fire. - look what i got you. - diamonds. they're beautiful. - just thought i'd surprise you, and there's more where that came from.